How The Destruction Of Sexual Intimacy Is Destroying Society And Relationships

Please note that today's episode does discuss (not in detail) rape and sexual abuse at certain parts.

Today, I sit down with Gao Motsemme — a trauma healer, psychic surgeon, and inner child guide — to unpack the emotional, spiritual, and energetic impact of toxic relationships, wounded sexuality, and trauma. 

Ms. Motsemme begins with a greeting in her native Botswanan language that calls us to presence and awareness, asking the powerful question: “What are you agreeing to?” Her story spans continents, trauma, divorce, and spiritual awakening.

We get into the dangerous normalization of toxic sex and hookup culture, and the false belief that intimacy can be separated from emotion. Ms. Motsemme explains how casual sex, angry sex, and even makeup sex often act as energetic dumping grounds for unprocessed pain — especially for women. She breaks down how the disconnection between men’s hearts and their sexual energy, combined with women’s shame around desire, leads to generational trauma, self-betrayal, and the destruction of intimacy.

We also explore how past sexual abuse — whether violent, subtle, or systemic — leaves unhealed wounds that affect everything from finances to parenting. Ms. Motsemme shares how trauma shows up in the body, how to recognize and release energetic ties from past partners, and why inner child healing is the missing piece in many recovery journeys. This conversation is raw, real, and urgent — especially in a world where children are exposed to porn at just eight years old, families are torn apart by ego-driven marriages, and emotional intimacy is often mistaken for weakness.

https://www.gaomotsemme.com/

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*Couple O' Nukes LLC and Mr. Whiskey are not licensed medical entities, nor do they take responsibility for any advice or information put forth by guests. Take all advice at your own risk.

Transcript

  Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another episode of Couple of Nukes. As always, I'm your host, Mr. Whiskey, and I'm excited for today's episode because the topics we're going to be focusing on have been a lot more prevalent in the past few years. I think now more than ever, and then now being the past few years, Divorce rates have gone through the roof.

People are feeling more exhausted, playing more roles than ever before due to social media. Toxic relationships have been  kind of changed with social media, with the online industry and everything going on and all the new roles in life. And then a lot of people, because of the attention of the internet, because of the resources from it and social media, or playing the victim rather than seeking help. 

But at the same time, there are more opportunities and resources out there for people to get help. So everything we're going to talk about is at a pivotal moment in our history, where I think We're at the peak of all those issues, but because of the expansion of the podcast network and other industries focusing on mental health resources and empowering other people, we are at the, we're starting to come down now.

So it's a very interesting subject matter. And I brought an amazing guest for y'all Queen, to discuss all of this. She has been through a lot of stuff as we're going to get into, and she's going to have some great advice for all y'all. So, Queen, will you please introduce yourself again? For those of y'all who aren't watching on YouTube and can't see the name,  it is not of my dialect and language, and I can't pronounce it, so I'll have our guest do it for herself. 

Thanks for having me.  And my name is how, how modern is for the G's coming from the throat. And I know it's a challenge for a lot of people. So before we can jump in, since I'm here, I'm just so grateful and excited to be here. And I just want to extend my greetings as well to the audience. So do you know, learn, do you know, learn.

Look, I, and those are my greetings in my native language. I originally come from Botswana in Southern Africa, and I've been residing here in Germany for 10 plus years. And I love to start with my native greetings, because it's more asking us to check in. Dume Lang is agree in direct translation. So since we are here at the Kaplu Nuuks,  when you show up here,  what is it that is, what is it that you agree into?

You know, that's like my first question that I'm asking you, or probably you may have seen the headline and you're like, okay, I want to listen to that. What is it that you are agreeing to? Because there's a lot that is happening every day, as you already mentioned, you know, whether it's in social media, you know, everywhere, politics and all that.

And the question is, what is it that you are allowing to penetrate you? Because whatever that you are allowing in is gonna affect you, whether you are conscious or unconscious. And When I say Dumelang and I ask Lokai, Lokai is more like, where are you? You know, are you fully here with us? Were a part of you still holding into probably an argument that happened earlier, or yesterday, or two years ago, or something that Maybe bills that are not paid you up far away in the future.

So I'm just asking you to check in and come into the present moment because there is a lot that is happening. There is a lot of information, and often we are absent, even though our body may be somewhere, but when it comes to change. Change happens when we are present change happens when you show up from then not knowing because when you show up with I know that is like a lot of information and all that you want to block what is going to come through, you know, there have been many experts here.

I understand and I respect that. But again, I just invite you for today since it's the first time I'm having this conversation with Mr whiskey and with you.  Just take a deep breath and connect to your body  and allow your body to communicate with you. Even sharing what I'm sharing, you may feel a bit of a peach sensation, kind of like, what is she talking about?

Whatever that is somehow unsettling or just kind of like triggering. There may be things that will trigger you and trigger for me. It's kind of like, Ooh, something great is happening, you know? So, May we be in our body and may we come from the not knowing and allow whatever wisdom that is going to come through in this moment to sort of be penetrated and to infuse it all and allow it to guide us into our next level of expansion. 

Thanks for having me.  I think that's one of the best introductions I've had on the show, honestly, just because what you said is so true. So many people are here, but they're not present. You know, they're thinking about the future, the past. And I think that's. It's a very hard thing to do. In fact, you know, I went through a meditation practice with a guest the other day on the show, and she was like, you know, just let it go.

You're thinking about something else. Let it go. I'm like, I am. And every few seconds, something new pops up. And like you said, we need to have room in our hearts and our mind to receive new information. You know, there's so many people that are just cramming stuff in, cramming stuff in, and they're not making that room to process it, and that goes for a lot of things.

And so  with that being said, now that we have room in our minds to kind of take in some of your origin story here, can you tell us a little bit about the life you've lived? We know you've moved countries, so you've had different experiences with cultures. I know you're a mother and you have a story about your children and divorce.

And so can you kind of get us a little bit of history on you before we get into all the other topics?  That's a, that's a great start. And one thing that I can say is I am a woman who has been through lots of trials and tribulations, and I had a choice to run away from myself or to face myself. So I come from a very traditional family way. 

Being a child that I was like being curious and showing up as the queen, you know, because I believe I've always known I'm the queen since I was a child. But when I showed up the way I showed up, I was told  you're too much. I was judged for who I was being because I was not like my other siblings. So it's kind of like the environment that I grew up in. 

Taught me or conditioned me to say, don't be your full self because it's, because it's going to be interpreted. However, it's going to be interpreted. Yeah. So I grew up with that, you know, like my other children and all that. And I was very stubborn. Yeah. I was a stubborn child. Kind of like, I get to be myself.

You know, I still remember one  like distinct memory where my mom kept on saying that. And that one day I just stood up and I looked at her and I said.  I can't be anyone else.  I am. Yeah. That's why my name is even different. And there was a moment where she also stopped  and then she laughed,  but it was more than laughter of  what the fuck am I going to do with this child?

So I felt like it was one of those. But now when I look back, I'm realizing that was. That was wisdom that I just say, but I was not aware of it because fighting for being you, especially if you fighting even against your parents, there is still a part of you that  Create that kind of like the desire, the wound, can somebody just love me for me?

You know, so I, there was that wound that I grew up with and I created my life from this wound. When I look at the relationships that I had and not only romantic, romantically, but also professionally, I kind of like met versions of You don't get to be who you are. Like it was more of who the hell do you think you are being called up, being criticized by my boss, being with in a relationship where it's toxic, it's cheating, it's, you know, navigating all those things as if that's not enough because we can say that's normal, right?

We have normalized the whole shooting. We have normalized the toxicity, the argument, calling each other names. And then we go on Tomorrow is kind of like everything is fine. Actually, I talk about it from the sense of then from there we have this heated sex and it's kind of like, Oh, we had this makeup sex and it was good, you know, not realizing what we do in that moment.

So that from bonding and all that. So that was basically my kind of relationships, but  life happened when. The job that I identified with, 'cause I was an accountant actually, and I was working in a big company, a Damon company that was flipping, paying me a lot of money, even though I don't even know where the fact that money was going.

But I had lots of money. But coming from the woundedness, it's kind of like it was coming through and I used the money to buy love and not only buying love from my family, but from my lovers as well. Mm-Hmm. . So. I lost my job at some point. And that was like, who the fuck am I without this job moment? And as if that's not enough,  a lot of things that had happened in manga brother had an accident.

My mom later passed on. And then from there, my ex boyfriend, because I had two children with this guy, yeah, took me to court to go fight for the children. And that was the moment when I was, I was bitten by life. It's kind of like the rug.  That I knew or whatever template that I created my life from was pulled under my feet.

And I found myself not knowing who I was, you know, so that was like the beginning of the journey that I don't even know. But at that moment when I was in it, I felt powerless. I felt helpless. I felt shame because as women, we are esteemed by our children. You know, as men. Men are stimmed by either the money that they have or whatever that they've got going on.

It could be business, it could be work, but it's quite interesting because as much as it used to be like that, nowadays it's both men and women, since we kind of like fighting for power. You know, who are you? It's more like, what do you have outside of you? So when all those things were pulled.  under my feet, I found myself in a state of confusion.

But at the same time, had that if that hasn't happened, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation. So it's a path that also led me to me. Right. You  know, I think you said something very important. There's something very common, which is a lot of us listening right now have been compared to your siblings or to other people in the world.

I think You know, society in general, humans in general, just compare and contrast, whether it's in a romantic relationship, parenting, at work, you're always being compared and contrasted to someone, rather than just who you are as a person, individually. And I think it's so important for parents to realize,  if anything, it creates more rebellionist.

If you're a child and you're being compared to your siblings, all that's making, You're you're tearing your kids apart from each other. You're building a grudge between the siblings between you and the child It's not a good thing and I think again with in relationships comparing people to your exes or to you know Celebrities or social media and you talk about being yourself and having to conform to this image that your parents wanted And that's very true.

And nowadays, especially a lot of people are conforming to the image that social media or the main news outlets want rather than who their authentic self is. You know, I've spoken on past few episodes about the war between authenticity. And online attention, you know, and you know, people are like, well, I didn't sell my soul to the devil.

Cause I'm not, you know, I didn't do it for money. Attention is like money emotionally, you know, people who are given away. Who they are or doing things that don't align with their morals or their values just to get attention. I mean, it's the same thing as selling out, you know, it might not be monetary gain, but that attention is like emotional currency, And so  I think it's interesting you mentioned how things are kind of shifting nowadays with, you know, men also kind of taking more pride and more power in their children.

And if anything, you know, the, the ideas of single fatherhood being different. And I think regardless though, there is a special connection between the mother and her children. And unfortunately we see a lot of women being separated from their children unjustly, you know, there's a lot of.  Anywhere in the world, the court systems are just not where they should be.

You know, I,  I just don't have a very positive opinion. I've seen a lot of cases go the wrong way, and I've seen a lot of corruption and greed. Unfortunately, I've even had one of the most heartbreaking episodes of my show was actually about self defense. And some of the ways that police officers, detectives and judges acted when it came to self defense cases.

And same with,  I, I don't think you should ever have to fight for your children. You know, regardless of the relationship between a man and a woman, when it comes to their children, I don't think anyone should have a right to take their children away from them. You know, I understand there are cases where it's dangerous for the children to be with a mother or a father.

But that's different from just, well, I think this person is a bad parent because this, this, or that, or because they're not making as much money. You know, it's, it's awful to think that we can just tear families apart like that. One of the things you mentioned What you talked about relationships and based on your bio and we were talking beforehand about toxic relationships You mentioned the normalization of that and I agree that it's been normalized toxicity Especially you mentioned something super super relevant, which was the the makeup sex the angry sex That's become a big thing the the  The deconstruction of intimacy within relationships has been going on for a long time, but I think social media definitely helped to propagate the spread of makeup.

Sex is the best sex or toxic. Sex is the best sex. And it's kind of is replacing the intimacy. So if you could talk more about you mentioned  people don't realize the effect is having on them. Could you talk more about? What is the reality of people who are getting hooked into toxic relationships because they're addicted to the makeup sex or the angry sex?

What is that doing to us in those relationships?  That's a, that's a great question. And there's a lot of things that you also mentioned, but what I love most, I'm just going to start with that. When you say the attention, you know, and you say to say an emotional currency, that's so flipping true because why do you always say pay attention? 

Because where attention goes, energy goes. So it's very important that we get to be present enough and be aware of where our attention is, because wherever that our attention is, we're going to create that. And often, even when it comes to this whole like attention seeking, it's still a wound, you know, where we're looking for that from outside of ourself, you know, and it's going to create more of that emptiness.

But going back to your question of that makeup, sex, angry sex, and all that.  It's a, it's a, it's a good question because I mean I'm, I'm someone who is also like, like there's a big part of my work and it's also a big part of, I would say, of who I am and I would say of who we are, because we are spiritual sexual human beings, you know, We're even using it as an exchange to get love. Well, it was an exchange to make the other person call, you know, somebody's angry.

It's kind of like, okay, fine. Let me give you this. Then you can be quiet or even whatever, whether we want something to change security money and all of that, you know, we are always selling ourselves is ourselves. If you are not present enough. And what is, when it comes to the sexual energy,  especially men and women, like it's a moment where something happened and okay.

People are angry, words are shared, you know, and then from there, here comes now like the big wound. When I say  patriarchy made men powerless and it made women powerless too. It shut off the man's heart and it shut off the woman's womb. It's sort of accepted in the society for men to be sexually active, you know, and to be.

Shut off emotionally. Like that's how men should be. That's being manly, right? When a man cries, it's kind of like, Oh my God, like, either you are being a boy, you are being a CC and all that man up and all that nonsense. And when it comes to a woman also expressing her desires or whatever she wants, or even being explorative with her own sexual energy is kind of like, she's a bitch, you know, name calling and all that.

Right. But yet When it comes to the truth of it, there is that deep desire, but then because of the disconnection, men are disconnected from the heart. So the energy is like outward because they are not, it's not connected and linking in sort of like anchoring in women are more from here. That is like, that's how it has been up until now, because right now it's kind of like a mess.

Women used to be open from the heart, but when it comes to the womb, it was more closed. Because even now, even if some people are just pushing through, there is shame unless you have worked and healed that. So now when we look at this whole dynamics that is happening, there is anger. You know, especially men, men often, this is why there is a lot of  addicted to porno and all like sexual addiction that happens with men.

The core of it is because. They don't know how to deal with emotion. So it's kind of like, instead of feeling the emotions, like they're feeling it here, that's the only way that they're going to release it. And if they're releasing it by penetrating a woman,  that means all that has not been processed, all the repress suppressed is going to go from the man and to the woman and looking even at a woman, a woman's sexual genitals.

It's inside the men is going to penetrate, go inside and they're going to leave the seats. That is like, it's more than just the spends. It's bigger is the energy that is penetrating. And then he lives there for the men. It's kind of like cleansing himself and then releasing it onto, onto, onto the other partner, like all the energy that is like in the air, all that has been.

So he's going to release it into the other. So my question is first thing, if you think you love  Would you use that partner is, it's more like a garbage, you know, it has been or something like that. There is something that I don't know what to do with you. There's a lot of emotions that are coming through.

I want to release them on you. So you deal with that. What I've seen happen with a lot of people that I've worked with,  it affects. A lot, you know, their connection to themselves, it affects even their finances because sexual energy is connected to our purpose. It's connected to our creativity. It connected to even like just the joy, the beauty, you know, and a lot of, a lot of stuff.

It's basically life force energy that makes us say yes to life. So when somebody is holding the depression and all that, and they release them on you, You're going to be holding into that. And let's not forget that it's also a portal. So you find that a lot of people, again, while we still are there, a lot of people has been sexually abused. And at times it's not even about sexually abused as in like the, the, the, the You know, extreme part of it. Sometimes it's more  like trying to fulfill your role as a woman, your role as a wife, where you don't feel like it, but it feels like, what can I do?

You know, and then you open yourself to somebody they are penetrating your body. It's not, it's not ready from there. That is shame. You don't like who you are. It opens a portal. For even negative energy. So it's kind of like you attract that negative negative entities and all that. It's a portal that comes through that that comes through.

And again, it's also, it's not like the moment when people are just having sex. It goes beyond because this is.  We know when you like having that orgasm, it's kind of like you are having  that out of body experience where you have nothing to defend, like you lose yourself a bit if you've really had an orgasm.

It's kind of like, what the fuck happened here?  You know, so if you can open up to that level where you lose yourself, what is it that is Possible of coming through, you know, so a lot of attachments come through for all people operating from that either the wounded sexual energy and abuse and all that.

So it also connects you to other people that the person has had sex with because it is sexual courts that are built. So now you can imagine if it always kind of like sex is more. Used as a, a portal to release the negative energy. You have sex with this one. You are angry. You are, you connect with this cause with this anger, you know, it's kind of like you dumping all this in everyone.

It's it, it, it gets messy, you know? So this is one of the impacts. So it affects our life. It affects our purpose. It affects our, our money. It affects our creativity. It affects our joy, you know, because we are transmuting all these things. Cause more. What is spoken about in the society is more like the sexual disease and all that.

But there is also the energetic disease or the energetic hygiene where your aura becomes infested with all this negativity. And it's not even yours. And another flippant thing is  now when you come to the toxic relationship. You are someone is penetrating you basically you measure become one right and this is someone who Often it's like toxic energy like emotional abusive at times even physically abusive You know and all the words that are being said all this thing you've been said and then you are You have sex with this person.

So now it's kind of like, okay, fine. We went apart and someone is maybe thinking about you, but it's more of either than him calling and all this negative words, emotional abuse. You're going to feel it.  It's going to come through because you are connected and you may think it's yours, but it's not yours.

Somebody's shaming you. Someone is calling you names, but because the courts are still attached to you, you are picking that. So basically they live in you until you release all this thing. And this is like a deeper work that we, we are called to do. So that's I would say in summary, that's the big issue is energy.

Yeah.  Yeah, you mentioned some things that are phenomenal that I want to talk about. And one of them, which has been very disassociated from sex is the fact that it's a vulnerability that you are being vulnerable. And because of the, you know, spread of pornographic materials and the idea that sex is not an emotional thing.

A lot of people don't associate it with vulnerability and they don't realize what they're letting through. I agree a hundred percent with you that men have disconnected from the heart and You know, women are still emotional because what you'll see a lot of times is  men and women, if they were both virgins.

A man could have sex with a woman and not fall in love with them, but a lot of times the woman will catch feelings if she's a virgin and has had sex with a man. And again, it's being  deconstructed and broken down to not happen as much, but it still happens a lot because that's just naturally how it is.

And one of the things spreading those ideas is I've seen a lot of posts online about cheating,  saying that men Who cheat are just, and forgive me for using this term, just cum dumping. You know, that they just need to release that energy. It has nothing to do with emotions, that men can cheat and still just be in love with one woman because they just need to have a physical thing.

Where women are ashamed for cheating, saying that women cheat emotionally, men cheat physically. Now I disagree with that. I think it is, Most commonly seen as that because of the way society is now, but it's not a end all be all, you know, there are plenty of men who cheat emotionally because they're in a toxic relationship and they, you know, fall in love with another woman, but they can't leave their relationship or vice versa.

There are women who cheat just to have sex, not because of emotional connection. You know, it goes both ways, but people really want to just say  men are physical, women are emotional, like you said, because people have disconnected the heart. Of the man from his, you know, sexual desires and gotten rid of that, that intimacy.

And I, I think you said it great. If you're,  you know, if, if you're  going into the house of someone, if you're a man going into a woman's house, you know, what do you want to leave? You want to leave garbage all over the place? Or you want to leave flowers and nice gifts? You know, that kind of, what do you want to leave?

You're talking about leaving negative emotions. And I, I agree. And I also agree that The  longer it goes unresolved, the more people you keep having sex with just not processing any of this, the more it's going to spread. It really is kind of like a spiderweb, a messy ball of yarn, if you will. So I really like everything you said, and I think that,  yeah, it is vulnerability, you know, because  You're allowing,  you know, and we're not talking in all cases, you know, we know there is violence and force out there, unfortunately, but in consensual relationships, you're both allowing yourself to have sex, to have that connection.

And I think  it's just so important. And it's, I think what's also important is that parents nowadays, sex has always been a taboo topic. You know, that maybe your parents talk to you about it. I think most kids learn from each other in school or the internet, especially nowadays. And I think now more than ever, it's important for parents to educate their children about sex in the,  You know, all this stuff that we're talking about connected with it, because unfortunately, our Children are being exposed to sexual content online younger than ever before.

You know, I feel like back when my dad was growing up, you know, it was kind of like, Hey, maybe when you're in middle school or high school, you might, there might be an older kid who shows you something or tells you something. Nowadays, like I've discussed on my show before, right? Me and my buddies were hanging out at this pool and this kid started talking to us.

He was eight years old and he started saying that all his friends were horny and watching porn and he had questions for us. And he was eight years old and me and my buddies didn't even know what to say. You know, that wasn't stuff that,  you know, when we were eight years old, we weren't really talking about that stuff, maybe a little bit, but  watching porn and, and, and having that, those conversations and going up to strangers nonetheless and saying, yeah, we're seeing this stuff online, it's awful.

And, you know, it's a system that.  It's hard to be beaten. You know, I've always criticized. We have so many laws and stuff in play to kind of  prevent child pornography saying it's, it's bad for children to be in porn there there's sacred and instant yet when it comes to children being able to watch porn and be exposed to that, it's not as strict there.

There's no.  And I understand it's a hard system because let's say these websites that show pornographic material are like, Hey, we're going to age verify. You have to scan your ID. Next thing you know, it's going to be like anything else. Fake IDs, people stealing their parent's ID or their, or their older brother or sister, you know, it's hard.

So the best defense is a strong foundation in education. Don't rely on the schools. We already know that they're bad at teaching this stuff. You as a parent have to have that conversation with your child. And I know it's hard as a parent, you don't want to expose them and have that talk with them when they're young, but. 

It's either you're going to do it or the internet's going to do it and yeah for all the parents out there Or even if you're not a parent, I mean just think who do you want raising your kid? You are the strangers on the internet, you know,  so I'll pass the mic back to you for any comments on that there is a lot of things that you mentioned that are very important, even let's just start with that.

The whole belief that men do not cheat for emotions. And I agree with you that they do. And often again, even when it comes, I mean, marriage doesn't, okay. Marriage doesn't mean anything. And it means, I mean, it doesn't mean anything. It means something in the sense of someone can be married, not necessarily because they want to, because they want to be perceived a certain way.

It's something that is somehow esteems them  according to the societal standards, right? Or for finances. Nowadays, a lot of people are getting married just for money too.  Yes,  you know, so. And then  most people even just do this thing before they can find themselves and what they really want. So they want to look for a wife,  their wife material time,  according to what the society deemed as a wife material.

But when they connect to themselves, their own truth, they know what they really want, but they can't have that because the society does not approve for that partner as a wife material. And often when, when people are wounded as well, they. Especially men, because they have not been taught how to connect to themselves and how to deal with emotional stuff.

So because of the wounds that are not healed, that are not processed, they're kind of like still trying to find a way or that love through between them, a woman's  woman's legs, you know, thinking that whatever that that is missing, they're going to find it there. But eventually they realize that no, it doesn't lead to that.

And What I loved when you mentioned even financial stuff, why people get married, it's still for the same reasons that it's quite interesting because I work from a non judgmental perspective. And for me, I believe even when it comes to communication, first thing, there shouldn't be any judgment. It doesn't matter whether it's religious, political, whatever.

If I'm showing up, With just a translate of us having a conversation, a soul spirit, whatever you call it, then I'm going to hear you out. But if I'm coming from, this is what my culture says, this is what my, whatever, I'm not going to hear you out because I'm going to listen to you, but I'm going to hear you from the beliefs.

The beliefs are going to filter exactly what has been said, right? So women come to me and when they come to me, it's kind of like, have a problem. I've been married for this long and I've been cheating, whether they've been caught or not, or something happened. And I want to know what really transpired to this.

And they often love when I'm like, okay, fine. Let's talk about the good sex with this, with, with this other person. You love the sex, don't you? You know, so when we go there,  Either we realize that the other person  allows them to be themselves, you know, like they can share their desires, the whole space for them while at home.

They are only expected to listen to what the partner is saying, because the partner is the one who knows it all when it comes to sex. Right. When the woman says, I want to ride, I want to be on top. It's kind of like. No, you don't do that. Or however, you know, and even emotionally at times when people are married, they forget about the emotional need of the other.

But when it comes to intimacy, which you mentioned when you said, when you said you get to be vulnerable for one of the, like some of the intimacy principles, it's, it's being honest, like, what is it that I truly desire? What is it that I want to try? You know? And I feel like this is very important for people to open up to share this, but when you are ashamed.

When you are not fully embodying and connected to this energy, you're not going to be able to, to share your honesty with your partner and people  are maybe married, but they're not friends. And this is also one of the things that at times you can be families, but you're still not friends, you know? So.

It's just like transactional, you know, so most of the relationships are just like that until you've done the work and realize, you know what, this is not what I really want. So honesty is one of the things that is really important when it comes to intimacy. And another thing is being open, you know, and trusting that is trusting yourself and trusting your partner to also space for you, trusting the environment that you are in and being vulnerable because when it comes to being intimate, here's the thing.

It's, it's a spiritual thing in the sense that when you met somebody who can hold space for you, it can open up your heart. And instead of having the normal  orgasm, where it's kind of like all the breath and all the screams, the sweet noise voices, whatever morning and all that, then it opens your heart and you start crying.

But the question is, are you comfortable with your tears is your partner  holding that space that is sacred for you to show up as all of you, you know, so it's a very important thing. And you need somebody who is open, who has grown, who can create that space to feel safe in everything that is showing up in every moment.

And even when it comes to. Even the conversation that we get to have, whether it's with our partner or with our children, like you said, if you won't teach our children about this, they're going to be taught outside. And it's going to,  it's not going to be what we like, you know, cause I realized my son is 17.

He's going to be 18 next month. My daughter is 15.  She's not comfortable when I talk about this kind of like, yeah, mommy, I hear you. And then she runs away. But I'm like, I'm like, we need to talk about this. We need to have this conversation, you know, so she'd be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. My son is more like every time when I talk, it's like, yeah, I know that man.

Yeah. I know that man. Actually. I'm surprised when boys tell me that they don't know that already. And I'm like, Hmm. But I'm just grateful that she's also, he's also comfortable enough to tell me that this is what I know. And I can add into that, you know, and, you know, because it shows that they are learning some way, even though we are not having that conversation.

So  I want to emphasize is the importance.  Of us  being comfortable and connected to our own sexual energy and not coming from shame, because what I've realized with the abuse that happens in family, it's not intentional. You know, it's more like parents who want to protect their children, especially I'll give an example with someone, maybe a woman who has been sexually abused and they know what happened to them.

They are afraid. They feel like the world is not safe. So that child is growing up and having a certain personality or dressing up a certain way. Like that's how we see that everywhere. And then, you know, Instead of either having a conversation without any judgment, because the judgment is coming from your own wound is more like judging. 

Why are you, why are you dressing up like a bitch? Why are you dressing up like, you know, like other children, you know, you, you shame other, other people or other. Teenagers or whatever. And you kind of like name, naming them, name calling them and all that. And you want to protect your child to say you get to be this whatever.

And as a teenager who also somehow belongs into that society because we are connected. That is us, but we've got agreements that we have with the collective consciousness. When I'm talking about you, even when you say you create your reality, you, it means you as in like where you were born. 'cause there are influence that you have agreed to and also the collective agreements.

Until you disconnect from that, you're creating from that. So if you are coming from that, I, I call it lower protective mechanism, then you going gonna shame your child instead of holding space for them because it's not about what we say. I may come through and be like. Oh, let's talk about sex and all that.

But my energy, if I'm ashamed, it will just drip in where it's kind of like E or you know, mama, what are you talking about? And or even if they don't say it, but they can feel the heaviness or of the, either the grief that it has not been processed or just the shame around it. So we get to work on that ourselves before we can either have a con choose to have a conversation with somebody.

Otherwise, we'll try to protect our children from that shame. You know, it's more like I'm going to protect you, but we don't know how to do that because we are doing it from the woundedness.  So that's one thing that I want to, I want to emphasize when it comes to having this, having this conversation.  You know, one thing I want to focus on is going back to the vulnerability and creating space for your partner because of the  You know, the loss of intimacy in relation to sexual activity, to the creation of casual hookup culture and all that.

What I've seen is a lack of respect for that vulnerability because people aren't associating it with that. So, for example, and this works both ways, but I'm going to say with a man and a woman, and the woman is choosing to be vulnerable, especially if she's a virgin, and  a lot of times what I've seen is women feel, like you talked about transactional I've seen a lot of young women, unfortunately, feel like they have to have sex to, they have to be forced to be vulnerable in order to get a friendship, to get a guy's attention, to be of value.

And what will happen is this woman is being vulnerable, even though she's not comfortable with it. And then the man doesn't respect that. Not only does he not respect the vulnerability, but also the fact that he doesn't even recognize that she feels forced to, you know, because men are just thinking. 

They're being trained by the society to take pride in it. Yes, I'm sleeping with a woman, especially if she's a virgin woman. And they're not feeling that emotional connection. And then what happens is that woman ends up having sex with a man who maybe is abusive or doesn't talk to her nicely or doesn't respect that vulnerability.

And then she's either afraid to be vulnerable in the future, or she just gets into this deeper hole of having to be vulnerable. She has no other choice. And so, again, it could happen with a man and a woman in the opposite way. But unfortunately, I see a lot of, because of the casualness, we're not recognizing that vulnerability, and we're not respecting it.

We're just having traumatic effects that, like you said, later down the road, The road can actually affect parenting because if you're parenting from a wounded perspective, you're biased and you might be too sheltering. You might be not, you know, it's interesting.  And this is just a personal observation.

So I don't know if the statistics back this up, but from my friends who have experienced rape, which I don't approve of, I hate that. I think it's the worst thing and it's,  you know,  the results. Are very, of course, but what I've seen personally, which is interesting to me, is the women that I was friends with and are friends with who were raped, then tried to, they slept with a lot of men.

They, they lost that emotional connection and a lot of them just slept with man after man to try and fill that wound. And it broke my heart to see that, to see them lose that, that intimacy, which people are already struggling with because of society. But can you speak about that at all? I don't know if you've worked with anyone in that kind of situation, but I'm curious what, what you've observed, because my observation is they try to feel that when they try to cover it up, almost as if sleeping with all these different guys, they might have a sexual experience where it just  is, it's great.

And it, and it changes everything. And oftentimes they don't find that.  Thank you for bringing that up. I appreciate, I appreciate that. I've worked with different women who reacted differently to this, and even when you're talking about rape, it also varies, you know, there is different kinds of it molestation where like I remember I had a client who  somehow she was  touched inappropriately by the uncle.

She was very young, but at the same time As much as it was  not consented, the part of her kind of liked it. And then she started masturbating when she was young and she kind of like dismissed it because  there was no penetration. It was just that, but again, there's a part of her that is a bit ashamed of.

Liking what happened, you know, and then there is other people who can  be penetrated by the people like they're in a relationship with someone and then someone  still penetrate them without the consent or they do something. Actually, I wrote a post not so long ago talking about anal sex, which is common that  people don't get especially men.

Communicate with our partner. They want to try that and they take advantage while they're still being intimate to, to penetrate their partners. And at least still, it causes that shock to the body. And then another thing that comes through is like, oh my God, but a freaky part of me kind of like liked it, even though it's sort of like, numbed me for, for some time, the pain that I felt, but I also want to try it.

So there's also shame around that. It's more like, like confusion in the body. And then there are those who,  yeah, they have been raped. And then they shut off completely, you know, it's kind of like they don't want anything to do with that. And there are those who kind of like, because of that, that wound, it's kind of like, so what?

And that doing it at the same time from, it's kind of like revenge. But more like a twisted kind of revenge, you know, I'm just going to go ahead and leap asleep with many men as I can, because I also want to, I want to, I want to hit them. It's kind of like, cause I'm not emotionally connected and I don't care.

So they're going to be, they're going to be hit. It's also, again, it's a self punishment, you know, where it's kind of like, Because it's hitting.  So it's more like, then go ahead. Like, that's the only time that they get to feel when they're having that sexual encounter, because it's kind of like they're getting that punishment of, of otherwise they don't feel anything.

So the only way it's kind of like heavy, more partners and all that it's, it's, it's wound. And like you said, we respond. Yeah. Some people respond to, to trauma differently. Some people. Yeah. Either shut off and then find other ways, which could be Drug. Like I know one, one lady who  she was, she was actually, this was like more like extreme trauma.

She saw her mother being, being raped.  She was nine. And then when she was 12 years, the mother couldn't deal with the whole trauma. She started doing drugs. And at 12.  She was also raped and then she went back to the mom and said, this is what happened to me. Her mother was far gone, you know, and she said, so what did you enjoy it?

And that crushed her. And the only way that she got to deal with that wound, that trauma was through drugs. And I know.  Another woman as well who  was,  it was actually by her boyfriend, you know, like she thought everything was fine. Actually. There's a lot of people I, I've realized there's a lot of quite interest, I don't even know what to say about this.

There's a lot of rape that happens within the family.  There is also rape that happens even in air relationship. You know, just because you're in a relationship with someone, people think they have the right to do as they please. You know, so I know, I know another woman as well, who was raped by her boyfriend.

And then from there she shut off. And here's the thing. What I actually loved about this conversation is when she said, I don't care about people.  I don't have the empathy.  And that means she shut off the heart, but at the same time, as much as she also wants to love, she's got a boyfriend, but she can't love because it's, it's, it's painful.

She doesn't even allow that intimacy, but hey, I don't care about people. It's because humanity means pain. It's kind of like, even when she's going around with her, What she sees is just a lot of fake people, you know, when you allow them in, they're going to hurt you. And with this  woman, when she went to her mother to share what happened, it was like a trigger for her mother because her mother experienced that.

And this is why I talk about ancestral trauma, because what I realized is what I realized is that often.  It has happened. It may have skipped another generation, but it has happened in a new lineage, you know, but when she said and shared with her mother what happened, the mother somehow is kind of like being brought back to the time when she experienced that.

And her response was get the hell out of my room.  And  as much as the rape hit this woman, what hit and broke her, the moment.  Was when somebody she was hoping would accept her and help her understand and deal with the shame that she wanted to deal with. She could not deal with that. And for the mother as well, it was more like one of the terrible moment because she couldn't protect herself and she couldn't even protect her child and she couldn't hold space for that.

So it's it's there's a lot of wounding, but. At the end of the day, no matter what happened, we've got a choice to say this stops with me, because if you don't do anything about it, like go to the core and heal that, then we're going to continue passing the legacy of emotional pain and trauma. This is why I believe we are here to raise our hands and say that might have happened to me, but I choose differently because the truth of it is, even if we can think, Oh, I've forgiven that it's all in the past.

I always get this a lot. At the end of the day is when something is too much. We, our consciousness, we can't, we can't process that. So it's kind of like passes the, the conscious mind and goes to the subconscious and then we think I'm done with it, but the subconscious is the boss. It's, it's, we paid from it.

Right.  Yeah. So everyone, again, you know, always get consent first, you know, some people worry too much about I'm already in a relationship or it's going to kill the mood, but it really is important. And what I want to say even more so is.  If someone, you know, has gone through something like this, the best thing you can do is listen and listen without prying, you know, and trying to ask those those questions.

Just listening is the best thing you can do. It's something that's very hard for people to share. I know everyone's different. Some people share very openly. Some people don't and Whether this person shares openly normally or not. This is a different subject entirely and so be that listening ear And I know you work with people on this kind of stuff Where can people find you and and who should find you this anyone who's been through anything like this?

This is something you can help them process and heal from correct?  Yeah, and I love when you say where people where can people find you in who? Who should find you? Cause I had this conversation with somebody this morning, this person came with a lot of stories kind of like, this is what my boyfriend said.

And like bringing the stories, bringing the stories. And I'm like, I'm working with you. And I want to have a conversation with you because I want you to be the extraordinary woman, the queen that you are meant to be, you know? So if you bring in the boyfriend and all the excuses, I'm not saying minimizing what has happened.

But on the other hand, for you to become who you are meant to be, and for you to help is when you are choosing to show up for you, that is a hundred percent ownership and full accountability. It doesn't mean that you participate. You made that happen. It's more like my joy, my responsibility. So those are the people that I'm calling forth.

When you are willing to be coachable, even though my work is not more about being coachable is more, I'm a, I'm a healer, you know, when I, when I connect with people.  whatever that happened is quite interesting because when it comes to, to, to sexual abuse, it's, it's, for me, it's not hidden. Like the first thing that when I just jump in on the call, even when you're texting at times, it's like the first thing that's where the energy takes me, you know, I'm like, here I am, this is what is happening.

So it shows me that. Somehow there's been sexual abuse here. So let's go there, you know, so I get to know where the block is, where it's stored. This is what makes my work even more efficient. That's why I'm saying I'm a human MRI. So it's kind of like, I get to scan and as a psychic surgeon, I get to remove that.

It's effective. I lifted the trauma, like the woman that I told you about who witnessed her mother. And then she went through that. She just attended one of my masterclass  one day and She was blown away because from there, she connected with her inner child, which is like a big part of my work. If your inner child is still holding into that wound and you are working with yourself from, Oh, I'm this woman.

And I have forgiven. What about the inner child? Are you going to hold space for that inner child? Who is, who doesn't understand all that happened? Cause we are called to be our own mothers, right? So I'm available at I'll share a link with you. And if you are committed to. Getting to know what is happening and then finding out about my program, the link that is going to, that you're going to share, please book a call.

If you're all you want, you still like, okay, fine. I don't know you want information, go to my website. And I'm bringing that up because people often hold into the information. Okay. I'm going to read about that and all that. And then after some time, it's kind of like I did everything and nothing has worked.

You know, this is why it's important when you're committed to yourself, because you mentioned about the high rate of divorce. The truth of it is.  I have that is one of the reason why there is that divorce or even separation in relationship is lack of commitment. And that takes us to us. You can't expect someone to commit to you while you are not committed to yourself.

You can't expect somebody to respect you or love you. While you can give that to yourself. So we get to start with ourselves because if at all, we didn't have that, we're not operating at that lower frequency, you would have attracted better. So when you look at our mirror, which is like the partners that we've been with, that's like the message to say, you don't feel worthy.

You don't love yourself enough. You don't respect yourself enough. And at times it's coming from the. Misinterpretation of what happened. We make it about us instead of realizing that  that's might have happened to me, but it doesn't define me. But at the same time, I'm not saying just say it. Don't say it doesn't define me because people, people will say it doesn't define me. 

But what they miss is that. The present is informed by the past and whatever that you get to create in the future is by the present moment. This is why I call people to be in the moment. So my website is how much may. com. That's where you can find me. And there's a link, which I call orgasmic clarity that I'll share with you where the people can book the call. 

Thank you so much. And ladies and gentlemen, be sure to check out those links. And even if it doesn't apply to you, you know, keep those in your back pocket for whoever might need it. You never know whose path you're going to cross. And just real quick, before we sign off, I want to go back to one thing that our lovely guests mentioned, which was people who are marrying.

Someone to appease society or their parents, marrying someone who is wife quality or husband quality. You know, I've always been, because of my disconnection with my family. You know, I've never let that determine, you know, whoever it was that I want to marry, that's who I was going to marry. But I have some friends I was talking to you on the phone yesterday and just people I know who,  you know, they, they love someone or they're interested in someone, but they say my mom would never accept her.

My dad would never accept him, whatever it may be.  I'm going to put out there, love who you love and don't worry about society and your parents, you know, because when you're not being true to yourself. You're going to allow someone to marry someone who, who isn't you, you know, they're marrying a you that isn't you or vice versa.

And a lot of these marriages like we discussed are  ending in divorce or happening because of reasons like that to appease someone. You know, in fact, I have a personal experience with it. If you haven't caught it on my, my other episodes, you know, my father married my mother to appease his family because she was a, a considered a good woman, she was smart, she was working.

She, you know, she was what my dad's mom wanted, but what my dad is, who he is, unfortunately, he loves wild women who start fights and, and do drugs and alcohol and, and, and. You know, he married a woman to appease his family and it ended with a lot of trauma in my family that affected me, my siblings, my mom and her family, my dad and his family.

And there are so many examples out there of just marriages and people's lives being ruined because they weren't true to themselves, you know? So whoever you want to marry, don't worry about your parents. Don't worry about society.  Your marriage is going to be, it's going to affect your life more than anyone, you know, your parents are going to go away one day.

Society is going to. Do is always changing. So it's, it's a choice that's going to affect your life permanently. And I'll let our guests share some insight on that real quick too.  I just love what you shared because, and one thing that is like coming so strongly is don't.  Marry your ego in the sense of times when you're talking about a good woman, a good man, we're looking at somebody who is going to make us feel better.

Like somehow they steamers is an, in a certain way, you know, that's like perceiving ourselves based on the society. And when you married someone who loves you for you, because I believe when it comes to partnership, whether it's marriage or just. Growing up together, the truth of it is, be with someone who is going to challenge you to be who you are meant to be, you know, so at times you meet someone who is more, who knows who they are, they've got, they've got standards, they've got boundaries, you know, and they want to call you up to say, you know, For me, when I look at you, I see this king, you know, so I would like you to take your position as a king so that we can live together.

And if you are coming from the ego, you're going to hold into a one, a yes, a kind of woman or that kind of shit, because I've also connected with women who will just tell me,  I'll never date a man who earns more than me. And that is also a wound. That is a woman who's using money to think that they can have power.

So when you are coming from your ego, you know, you're never going to get whatever that you're looking for. Your relationship is your relationship and be in relationships in a relationship that calls you to be better because your relationship is going to affect your relationship with your children.

I've been separated from my children. I went through this and all that. Like we, we had a bit of that conversation from the beginning, you know, but when you look at.  A full embodied  person because it's not only a man or a woman that this case is they're just a lot of them. They're just crazy. But when you are a fully embodied person who is loving every child deserve to have access to both of their parents, unless there is like a really a danger, you know, so whatever that you choose, ask yourself if.

Do I really want this for my, for my children and ask yourself again, looking in the mirror, as in like, are you the kind of person that you would love your daughter to marry or your son to marry? Because just around that I was married, I moved to Europe because of my marriage. And I had also a relationship before where two children were born. 

The ones that are separated with, and it's quite interesting because going through my journey of growth, I remember one day when I was in a meditation  and a part of me was just like, I  was just like mad with this guy. Cause I'm like, if he can change and stop the alcohol and all that, we can have a lovely family, you know?

So while I was in that meditation.  The question that came through is what part of you has a problem with his drinking?  So I was like, taken back a little bit, like, what the heck are you talking about? Because I mean, I'm the spiritual woman and he's drinking and all that. And at that moment, it's kind of like I had a download where I realized that all the men that I was attracting, I was attracting.

The version of my father. There is a part of me that wants to rescue him. Sometimes you find ourselves in relationship where it's kind of like this person need me. And you get to know the difference between this person loves me and this person need me, or I love this person where you kind of like showing up because I love this person.

Not like I want to rescue this person so that they can be, because it could be a wound. So I was attracting. People who were addicted to alcohol because that's the vision of my father. When I say my father loved me, the little child that didn't know any better, the love that she was exposed to was that kind of love of the emotional unavailable pattern was that kind of love of the alcohol addicted parent.

It was the kind of love way. Whenever I wanted something, my father would get it for me. But when it comes to an adult that I am, when it comes to raising children, you need not only material, you need someone who is emotionally available. You need someone who can also be a model to your children of what, who they get to be.

So that's just like a wrap up. I've been there and I see a lot of people who are creating the thing that they want love. You know, I wanted, I want love, but what is love? You know, what love were you exposed to because that's what you created and you see it playing in your life. You can make it about the person or the people that are showing up, or you can look at yourself or fuck dad, mom, you know, and be like, now is my choice to go within and make sure I disconnect from that and align with your unique signature blueprint. 

Yeah, that's, that's so true. I see so many people try to, like you said, attract The version of the parent that they, they want to save or help. And I've done the same thing with, with my mother and the women I've dated in my life. So I understand a hundred percent, but yeah, ladies and gentlemen, you know,  Look at who you are and who you want to be and.

Make sure that your partner is someone who sees who you are and can also see who you're going to be, you know, people change. So keep that in mind. And like I said, the links in the description below are important. Please, anyone who needs to hear this, remember whether it's now or in the future, someone needs this, you know, please share with them and how, you know, I can't, I can't do the sound, but thank you so much for coming on.

This was such an important conversation. I appreciate. people like you who are willing to talk about these, these darker subjects that are hard for people to talk about and to talk about often and to listen to, to listen to people  kind of share all their negative trauma with you. It's a very difficult thing.

I've been in that position a lot and you know, it's, it's very, it's very beautiful that you're doing something where you can help other people with their pain while taking their pain on yourself, and then send them on their path empowered as a queen or a king. So thank you so much for what you do and thank you for coming on the show. 

Thanks for having me.