BDSM & Kink Helped Me Love My Body More

Disclaimer: I will be sharing intimate details of my sex life in this episode, so anyone who doesn't want to hear that, feel free to skip this one. I have never shared at this level of openness and vulnerability, but it's important to me to share all the tools that I know that can help women on their body image journeys. In this episode, I share how my exploration of BDSM and kink has given me the space to completely let go of some of the last things I was still holding on to about my body and tune into my body and my true desires. I hope you enjoy!

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Transcript

Rebecca Sigala: 0:00

Hey guys, Rebecca here. Welcome back to the Body Image Revolution. A little bit of a disclaimer today. You can probably tell by the title of this episode that I'm going to be talking about some very intimate and spicy stuff today. So, Mom, Dad, anyone who does not wanna hear about my sex life, this is your cue to leave now. Bye. Okay, so now that I've made that very needed disclaimer. This is something that is so important, but I've been kind of going back and forth on talking about, because it's so vulnerable and so intimate. The truth is, is that I always knew I was going to talk about it, but I just didn't know when I would do it. So this journey started about a year ago when I started going deeper into my sexuality and ultimately exploring BDSM and kink, which completely changed my life. And I know that people may see me as someone who is very open and very sex positive, which I am, and maybe even like sexually liberated in a way. I mean, I am a boudoir photographer and body image coach who posts naked pictures of herself online. I'm always talking about empowerment and feminism and embracing your sexuality and your body. But the truth is, the reason why I care so deeply about helping women tap into their sexuality is because it's something that I really needed to do for myself. I've realized that I had layers of internalized shame about sex and my desires, and it just seemed so normal in relation to everything I was experiencing. I didn't think that I actually had a problem. I thought that I was so experienced, so adventurous and communicative with my husband until I realized that most of my own fantasies took place in my mind. The problem was not only that I wasn't communicating those, it was also that I wasn't even allowing myself to go there. I'd subconsciously pushed those desires away because on some level I think that I didn't think it was fully acceptable or something like that. I also didn't really know a hundred percent what I actually wanted, and BDSM helped me connect my desires to reality. What feels really important for me to talk to you about today is how this exploration, this deepening of my relationship with my sexuality has actually led me to have a more loving and trusting relationship with my body. This exploration of BDSM really helped me love my body more, and I'm so excited to share that with you and why and how that really came to be, because it's probably in ways that most people wouldn't expect. In my group coaching program, The New Sexy, which helps women radically improve their body image. This is something that we specifically dive into. There's actually an entire module on sexuality and pleasure with tools that I use to help get to where I am today. And that of course does not mean that everyone is going to be into BDSM or kink. It's really not about that. It's about firstly, understanding that there's nothing wrong with sex, just like there's nothing wrong with our bodies. It's this realization that I had that pleasure is our birthright. It's the way that our bodies were designed, and tapping into that very real and large part of ourselves really opens like an entirely new world, a freaking portal to where we're actually friends with our bodies. Where we release all that shame that we didn't even know was there, and where we start to see the value in seeking pleasure in our lives. The one life that we have to live. We truly can't talk about bodies without talking about sexuality and vice versa. When you go through my program, you're going to be given the roadmap to discover your own sexuality and learn how to deepen your relationship with your body, at the same time. It's really all so interconnected. Okay, so let's get to the juicy details. Let's back up to last summer. I knew that there was something around sexuality that I needed to work out. Many years ago, I was talking to this sex therapist and I told her about my work and she really loved the idea and I kind of just blurted out at some point in the conversation, my work isn't sexual, it's more sensual. And she was like, why not? Why is being sexual something negative? It was a wake up call for me. I was like, oh damn. I'm sitting here thinking that there's something wrong with sex or being sexual? I've really gotta work that out. So let's just say I had my eye on that for a while. I've been reading and researching a lot, following sex positive people, I even took a sexuality course on how to talk to my kids about sex because I really did not want that messaging that I received to be passed down to my kids. In therapy was where I started to see where I was still holding shame about my sexuality and past sexual experiences, before I got married. I was telling my therapist about one situation where I was about to leave a sexual encounter, and I started walking away, like all the way down the hall. But then when I got to the end of the hall, I was just like, fuck it, and walked right back to the guy. The way that I've continued to see that story, in my mind, until this therapy session was that, I was weak, I was irresponsible and promiscuous. And my therapist asked me to name some positive things about that 18 year old and her decision to walk back to that guy and have sex. And I was like, well, she was confident. Slutty, maybe in a good way, had a healthy sex drive. She made that choice. She had autonomy of her body. Oh my God, you guys, you have no idea how much that shift in perspective changed things for me. And then he asked me, my therapist, he asked me how I could bring that part of me back to my present day. So I immediately started thinking about ways I could do that, and I started listening to sexy music that I hadn't listened to in years. I was like, why did I put this on the back burner? This is so much fun. And I started dancing and thinking about lingerie and sex toys and really just how I could be sluttier with my husband. Around the same time, I had also been following this guy on Instagram, John Romaniello, who talks a lot about BDSM and kink in a way that was shockingly open. I would just go through his stories and my jaw would start to drop, but then I started to realize that I was definitely being turned on by the things he was talking about, and I saw where my own desires connected with this whole BDSM thing, and it actually really surprised me. And then, I took this kink test and I ended up being 97% submissive. 97%. I was like, holy shit. Things started to make sense from there. And so that really began a series of more open discussions with my husband, my amazing open loving husband who has never done anything but support me. And I was like, Maybe he's just going to go along with all of this because it's what I like and he loves me, but maybe it will still feel unnatural or awkward or something. So I had some resistance to it, and if you've met my husband, you know that he's super chill and laid back, and I actually couldn't fully imagine him dominating me like that. Let's just say I was very wrong. During one of the first conversations we had about it, he was like, Becca, I feel like this wall that you've had up for years just came tumbling down. It was so emotional. Of course, I cried. It was one of the deepest moments of connection that I think we had ever shared. I felt seen and loved and really, truly, deeply cared for. And so it began. Whips and chains, baby. Well, not exactly like that. We started talking about power dynamics and what just felt right to us. Turns out he'd been craving that dominance this whole time, without a hundred percent realizing it either. And it wasn't just something that was directly related to sex. I started being more aware of the way I was talking, and I realized that a lot of times in my life, my anxiety has manifested as like needing to control everything and tell everyone what to do, and my husband definitely always pushed back on that. Of course, most people do not like to be told what to do in everyday life, and it became clear that through my new awareness that. Oh my God. This whole time I had wanted him to take more of that dominant role, but I wasn't really allowing him to, and he's not an asshole, so he wasn't going to just take it from me, but he didn't like it, at all. So I started shifting the way I was talking to him, and he started shifting the way he was talking to me and just the way we were interacting with each other. We intentionally worked on shifting our dynamic, mostly in the bedroom, but also a little bit outside of it. So that everything would feel flowing and real and natural for both of us, and also just create a relationship that felt really good. I'm in no way saying that a man needs to be dominating and a woman needs to be submissive. Every single person, every single couple is different. None of this polarity bullshit that I keep seeing everywhere on social media. But for us, leaning into those roles was very healing and healthy and sexy. For me, being submissive in this dynamic means letting go of control and being in the moment, trusting myself and my body, trusting my partner, very in depth communication, learning my boundaries, allowing all that shame to just go. You've really got to feel it all and let it go if you're gonna be that open sexually. All of these things that I just mentioned are things that I work on with women when they're improving their body image. Not BDSM related, but just related to the way that we interact with ourselves and our bodies. In those moments of letting go of control and completely being submissive to my partner, I also let go of those last negative thoughts that have stayed with me about my body. It was really so powerful. I started being okay with my husband grabbing my stomach like many years ago. That was a insecurity that I had and that I overcame, but there were things that I was still maybe thinking about in the back of my mind, like I wondered if my body would look weird from certain positions or if my boobs weren't perky enough or that my lady parts were disgusting in some way. I always kind of wondered if my husband really enjoyed that part of me, or if he was just doing what he was supposed to be doing and doing things to please me because he loves me. But as we started becoming so communicative about all the sexual stuff, Everything was on the table and we were both really clear about how we saw each other and what we enjoyed about each other's bodies. Thankfully, he claims that there isn't an inch of my body that he doesn't love. And through all of this exploration together, I fully believe him. I think part of that is because I show up as my full self now. I'm not hiding anything and I know he's doing the same and I trust him. I literally trust him to tie me up and spank me, so I better trust the words that are coming out of his mouth. And even more than that, those submissive experiences where I am completely out of my head and in my body are transcendent. I'm aware, but like in a body kind of way, not in a mental way, because it's not like you can just completely check out of a BDSM experience. Even as a submissive, you're an active participant. As that submissive you are deciding to let go of that power, and give it to somebody else. But in that decision, you're making an empowering choice for yourself and you still have to be in communication with your partner. It's really an embodiment experience like no other. And it's so hot. It's so, so hot. You're just gonna have to take my word for it, or maybe start exploring these things yourself or just exploring your sexuality in general. So in all of this, I actually started to do some of my own research on BDSM and kink. It's super important to have that educational aspect and not just like dive into it without really knowing things or what to do or boundaries and communication and all of that. So there are some things about BDSM and that world that feels extreme to me and I don't relate to them and they don't feel part of my arousal template. I think a big part of what draws me to BDSM is the energy of the power dynamic more than anything. Of course there are physical things I really like too, and playing with pain and pleasure and all of that. There's a lot to uncover and explore, and the novelty of that is exciting too, especially after you've been with someone for 14 years. Can't believe that's how long we've been married for and that we're just getting into all of this. It's so, so exciting. So on a side note, I have to say that my libido is much higher. I mean, that kind of goes without saying. It must be a side effect of releasing all that shame. Seriously though, if your sex drive is low, it really might be because of the way that your sex life manifests, and maybe it's not in line completely with your sexual fantasies and desires, and it's just something to think about. There's a really sex positive feminist oriented BDSM community out there, which is really what I found with John's account and the people in his orbit. Rachel Wright is another one I started to follow. She's a sex therapist and has some really great and educational content as well. I've learned that what is so important in a healthy BDSM dynamic is that this is all very, very consensual. Everything is communicated. My husband and I have a quick conversation before every interaction and check in with each other. He usually asks me what's available to him, and then in that moment I make decisions that feel aligned with my body and mind. And then once we go into the scene, he makes the decisions and I always have the right to use my safe words or even completely opt out. If there isn't a deep sense of safety and communication and complete respect for each other and for safe words, run girl, run. I feel very lucky to be able to explore this with someone who is so safe and protective of me. He usually intuitively knows things before I even communicate them, which is a really nice feeling, and I know I'm in good hands, quite literally. So in conclusion, letting go and surrendering in the bedroom has allowed me to feel safe to exist in my body and let go of negative thoughts about my body. Trusting myself and my body has done wonders for not only my sex life, but my life in general. I am much more in tune with my body with what I want and need, and I really listen to my intuition a lot these days. Another thing is that boundaries have helped me honor and respect my body, even if my husband initially desires something else. Communication has given me the ability to share my shame, my insecurities, my fears, and give space to them. Really feel them and then decide to release them as much as I can. Knowing that someone else is witnessing me in that process is super powerful. When we release shame in one area of our lives, I believe it has a bit of a domino effect. And specifically with body image and sexuality, they're all so intertwined. I feel like after this exploration, I've taken on a new identity in a way. I think it's what led me to enter my unapologetic bad bitch era and really start listening to my own intuition. I started this podcast, I opened the most revolutionary group coaching program. It's been a big year for me. I think a lot of it has to do with just allowing myself to be fully me and not hiding who I am, which is why I shared this podcast and some of the most intimate details about myself that I've ever shared before. When I shared my fears about sharing all of this with a friend of mine, she said that, I don't think you actually have a choice. People like you and me can't help but be themselves, even when it's uncomfortable, even when it goes against the grain. That really resonated with me. So people might think that I'm brave for sharing all of this, but I'm really just being me. And of course I did make the choice to share, but it's the only choice I could ever imagine making. I needed to enter this new era of my life, so badly, and I know if that was my own experience, there has to be millions of women out there who are hiding as well, and they might be like me and not even realize it. So I hope this helps even one person let shame go a little bit more, tap into their sexuality, and love their body. I am so happy that I can provide that guidance for women to go through this process, to enter their very own bad bitch era where they are fully themselves. It's one of the reasons why I created my program The New Sexy, because when we are stuck in diet culture, we are so concerned about what everyone else thinks. That's literally the epitome of diet culture. Society idealizing thinness, society pushing weight loss drugs up our butts. Society telling you that you're not enough. But when you have the tools to really love your body without society's validation or anyone's validation, that that is when you step into your power. You stepping into your power may look very differently than me stepping into my power. But if you're still listening to this podcast, we for sure have got stuff in common. I truly know the pain of not fully loving your body, of feeling out of control, of feeling really sensitive to the opinions of others, of trying to please everyone around you. It's freaking exhausting. And guess what? The time is up on that. If you don't feel like you want that anymore. If you don't wanna feel like that anymore. If you're sick of diet culture, if you want to really fucking embrace your sexuality and experience life with more pleasure. Please reach out. Last summer, I embraced my sexuality, and this summer, you will embrace yours. How cool is that? Truthfully, I really just don't think we have time to sit around hating ourselves any longer. So we're beginning the program June 25th. You are definitely invited to join us and you can look in my show notes to book a free call with me and we'll chat all about it and see if it's a good fit. Okay guys, we're nearing the end of this episode and I honestly can't believe I shared all of that. In all my years of being super vulnerable online, I think this puts the icing on the motherfucking cake. So it better have been helpful for you or at least enjoyable for you. Please don't forget to rate my show on Spotify or give it a review on Apple Podcasts. You guys are so awesome. So much love and healing to you all. Talk to you soon. Bye.