What To Do When Your Partner Is Critical of Your Body

In this episode, I share ways that this has come up for many of my clients. Whether it’s your partner asking you to lose weight or commenting on what your eating or even saying they are not attracted to you anymore, it’s all very painful. I offer ways to think about and work through it so that you can feel better about yourself and create positive change in your relationship.

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Transcript

Rebecca Sigala: 0:01

Hello, my beautiful souls. Welcome back to the Body Image Revolution. Today is going to be a very important episode, what to do when Your Partner is Critical of your Body. This is something that I actually hear pretty often and it's so heartbreaking. If this is you, I can imagine that it feels very isolating and like you're the only one who is going through this, but honestly, you're not alone in this and it's not your fucking fault. I literally do not care if you've gained 500 pounds in this last year. How your partner is relating to your body is not really about you. But let's back up a little bit. Let me share a few ways that I see this coming up for women. The first, and probably most hurtful way I see it coming up is when partners are straight up mean and call their wives or girlfriends ugly or fat, or that they don't want to be with them intimately unless they lose weight. They might not say things like that, but they could say things like, you're just not attractive to me anymore, or, let me buy you a boob job for your birthday, or is there a way you could get rid of those stretch marks? Some of the other things that may fall under categories like these, which are definitely more severe, are partners policing food, having rules about your food intake or telling you to exercise a certain amount, and then if you take it down a notch, there's other ways that your partner could be critical about your body. And they might make comments like, are you sure you want to eat that? Or, it looks like you've gained some weight. Maybe you should do X, Y, Z. One of the most common ways I hear about partners doing this is teasing their wives or girlfriends about the way that their body has changed over the years, how they used to be thinner, joking around about a certain body part, calling them pet names that insinuates weight gain or aging, or something unique about their appearance. Like for instance, if someone has bigger teeth, calling them my little rabbit, you get the idea. Or it could even be reminiscing about their bodies when they first met and things like that. Some of you guys are like, yep, my partner does some of these, and some of you are probably shocked that anyone would ever do this. But like I said before, it is really common and it happens behind closed doors most of the time, and I want to help you find ways to think about it differently so that you're not feeling insecure and sad or hopeless about your body, and also give you some steps to make changes in your mindset and in your relationship with your partner. And with yourself. This whole thing is so upsetting to me because this type of behavior is a symptom of the patriarchy, of diet culture, and beauty standards. For some of these things and some of these men, I can actually have compassion for them because they are also victims of our fucked up society. And it's not only men who are doing this, but I'm just talking in this way because my clients are women. Everybody, men and women are taught that there are beautiful people and there are not beautiful people. We're taught that if we are beautiful, we're more powerful, we can be wealthier. We might have a certain status in our society that's higher, we might be more intelligent. And definitely it all points to signs of being more worthy in the eyes of others. So when people choose their partners, it can often subconsciously or consciously be a choice to uphold those societal standards so that they can have all those things in life, which may be a reality to a certain extent, but mostly not. I think this is kind of the idea where a trophy wife comes in, like a nice little accessory a man can wear to elevate his status and make him look good. Ugh. And I know what you're thinking. You might think that he's just saying these things out of love, like maybe my partner just wants me to be more healthy. But honestly, I've never really witnessed that and inspiring each other to work out or working towards implementing better eating habits or drinking enough water, or making sure that we all go to our doctor's appointments is very different than deciding that your partner needs to look a certain way to appease you. It is the same patriarchal idea that makes women feel like we owe it to men to be sexy, to be beautiful, to give pleasure to them. And when it comes down to it, that's when it's like our body isn't even our own anymore. We're constantly trying to shape and mold our bodies to fit into these societal standards versus just listening to them, versus treating them the way they deserve. So just because this person is your partner, doesn't mean they have jurisdiction over your body. Your body is still yours. Your commitment to each other didn't sign your rights to your body away. When we let other people, even our partners decide what is sexy, we give our power away because our ability to feel sexy is dependent on them. It's not something that comes from within us, and therefore, we're always going to be looking for that validation and never really feeling like we're enough, because even if at some point your body was amazing to your partner, but they are critical of when you gain weight, what about when you have a baby or a surgery or get your period or just get older or be a human. Even if your partner voices criticism, once in a while, you'll always be wondering if they're turned off by you or have thoughts about your body. Because how you see it and how it probably is if these things are manifesting, is that their love for your body isn't unconditional. And it hurts because it reminds us of our own conditional love for our bodies and all the criticism that we face just within ourselves and within our own minds every single day. And with your partner's critical voice in your mind, that you're probably agreeing with, at least to some extent, how do you ever just let go? Trust them or trust yourself? How can you be present? Be yourself, and accept your body as it is? So the answer is a little obvious and probably very annoying. But we have to accept ourselves first. We must accept ourselves first. Sure. Getting that validation that our partners love our bodies and desire us is also important. I'm not denying that whatsoever, but if the way we feel about ourselves is dependent on someone else's approval or disapproval, we are outsourcing our power. And in that way, no, we don't fully, radically, accept ourselves. I think this is probably a hard pill to swallow because if you're going through this with your partner, it feels like absolute shit. You are probably extremely hurt and vulnerable and in pain, whether you know the extent of that or not, and this is not the way you deserve to be treated, babe. I'm deeply and truly, sorry if you're going through this. And now on top of that, I'm just sitting here telling you that you have to love and accept yourself first. So you're probably just thinking that's impossible and it may bring up some other challenging emotions. And I feel you, and I'm also never going to lie to you. I'm always going to be as straight up as I can on this podcast. That's what it's for. The truth is this situation is a mirror for you, a fucking shitty and warped mirror, but nonetheless, a reflection of what you think about yourself. It's an opportunity to understand yourself, to know yourself, to have or create compassion for yourself. Here are some things to ask yourself in this situation, and definitely write these down because it's going to help you later. Even if you're not in this situation, these questions can be great for any critical thing that anybody says about your body. So the first question is, what is coming up for me when my partner is critical of my body? And then is what they are saying true? Can I know that those criticisms are a hundred percent true without a shadow of a doubt. Is it true for everyone? Would everybody in this world think that about my body? What emotions arise when you believe what your partner is saying? Write them all down. And how do you treat yourself and others when you believe that thought? For this question, think about how you treat your body, how you treat your friends or your kids when you're feeling this way. Even how you treat your partner when you're believing their criticism. And lastly, this is the most important question, so take some time to really sit down and answer it. Think about that criticism from your partner, the one that you wrote down in the first question. Who would you be if you didn't believe them? Who would you be if you didn't believe that thought? What would you do or not do? Would you work out for fun? Would you wear whatever you wanted? Would you eat foods you love? Would you be kinder to yourself and others? Would you want to work things out with your partner and have a deeper relationship? Maybe go to therapy or have more conversations, or would you not want to work things out with them? What job would you have? What would your day be like? What would you think about yourself? What things would you do for fun? Really take the time to think about who you would be without the belief that whatever they are saying is true or that you need to change your body for them. Doing this exercise, which is adapted from Byron Katie's work, is going to give you a lot of insight to yourself, the way you think, the way your emotions dictate your behavior. And once you have that type of awareness, the sky is the limit. This is the first way that you reclaim your power by reclaiming your thoughts, understanding what voices are coming from outside of you, and which ones are coming from within, and making a plan to start to shift them. With this kind of awareness, it's going to be so much easier, so much lighter. There are also a few other things I need to mention. Oftentimes our partners have no idea what we're going through. This is like for real guys. I actually just had a client in my group coaching program who was going through this process about something her husband was teasing her about, and it really hurt her feelings like over and over again. She brought it to me for coaching, and through that coaching and then listening to the diet culture module in the course, she felt really empowered to have a conversation with him, which she was not thinking she was going to do before and felt really uncomfortable with. In the past, she had told him that it bothered her, but she never really went into it with him. And she just thought that it would be an uncomfortable conversation and she didn't know if it would help. But she realized that he is also a victim of diet culture and she also knew that he really loves her and with her newfound confidence and knowledge that she gained, she went into that conversation just laying it all out, like in a very kind and compassionate way, but also in a very honest way. He met her with the same type of compassion and told her that he didn't realize how much it had affected her and that he was going to do better in the future. Everyone needs to know right here that the question wasn't, do you really believe I'm X, Y, Z, or do you not find me attractive anymore? That wasn't the conversation. Her objective was for him to really see what was happening, how it was impacting her, and requesting a change. And making a boundary that would facilitate her journey towards self-love.'cause the truth is, it doesn't matter if he had a negative thought about her body because thoughts come and go. They don't necessarily mean anything about us. They don't even mean that's what we truly think. So just shining a light on the situation saying, Hey, I get that the whole world is obsessed with thinness, but I am really working on loving my body the way it is. Could completely shift the way he starts to think about bodies as well. Implementing boundaries, what's okay and what's not okay to say. And making it really clear how you want to speak to and treat each other will not only help you, but it's going to help everybody else involved. The journey towards self-acceptance has never ending ripple effects. Trust me, I see it all the time. I was so happy for my client, and this was such a beautiful outcome. Even though initially it felt really challenging, it wasn't as challenging as she expected it to be. Sometimes it just comes down to having the conversation. Actually, a lot of times it really comes down to that. How we treat ourselves is how we teach others to treat us. So doing something like this is the start, it's the beginning to finding more compassion within ourselves and each other. It's really incredible and so healing. So to recap so far in this podcast episode, We spoke about the ways that I've seen body criticism come up in relationships. We spoke about the fact that our partners are also victims of diet culture, and are products of the society that we live in. We spoke about how no one has the right to control our bodies and waiting for someone else's approval of our body is outsourcing our power and our ability to feel beautiful on our own. And then we spoke about how this whole thing is a mirror to understanding ourselves more deeply and which questions are important to ask ourselves in times like these. And then we spoke about how often it's all a miscommunication or a lack of understanding of how we're actually feeling. And this is a great way to start to create healthy boundaries in your relationship that will facilitate body positivity and growth, not just for you, but for the both of you. It also very much deepens your relationship with each other because there's now another layer of vulnerability and connection. I want to be really transparent here that I do believe critiquing your partner's body is emotionally abusive and unacceptable. For men and for women. I don't believe any of us have the jurisdiction over each other's bodies. I believe that if there is something you don't find attractive in your partner, it is your job to decide how to think about it, to work through it, and understand why you're feeling the way you do. Like just take it to therapy. And if you're a good person, which I assume that you all are, you're going to really fucking regret body shaming your partner. Because perhaps in that moment that you mentioned something, you felt a certain way. But it wasn't really about your partner and then you think differently the next day or a week or year, and you've already done the damage. Your partner is going to remember that for fucking ever. Even if they never mention it again. And it doesn't mean your relationship is over, or that it can't ever be loving or trusting again, but there is definitely repair to be made, and I highly suggest working with a body positive and very trauma-informed therapist to help you make that repair together. Oftentimes body shaming is just another symptom of an already controlling and abusive relationship because just think about it, our bodies are a part of everything we do. So if that is the dynamic, your body is going to suffer either physically or emotionally. If you are in an abusive relationship or you think you might be in one, please seek professional guidance and help as soon as possible. You are so worthy, so beautiful, so deserving of love and respect. Do not settle for anything less, and I know that it's easier said than done, but I am truly sending out my prayers to all the women in the world in that situation. I believe in you, in your power, and your strength and your ability to come out of this and create the life you deserve. For the other women. I'm also not saying that your relationship is abusive if your partner has critiqued your body in the past, but I'm saying that it is an unacceptable behavior and they may be completely unaware of its impact on your psyche, on your relationship together, and even the environment that you might be raising kids in. And if you have body shamed your partner, this isn't meant to shame you either. I think that a lot of these things are unfortunately very normal and at the same time, they shouldn't be normal and they're extremely damaging. Just think of all the men who encourage their wives to get boob jobs and tell them they could lose a little weight. It's not abnormal, that's for sure. Or all the women who think their husbands are lazy and they don't care about their health and also tell them they need to lose weight and they're not attracted to them anymore. It goes both ways. I just do think that it is more common in this patriarchal society for everybody, women and men included to be more critical of women and women's bodies. That's just pretty much a fact, like, look around you. It's everywhere. This episode is meant to shed light on this seemingly acceptable and normal situation that is not acceptable and should not be normal. It is hurting us. It's keeping us from loving our bodies. It's keeping us from feeling confident in the bedroom, from being vulnerable and trusting with our partner. It's keeping us from accessing our own power and letting go of the opinions of others. If you want to love your body more, creating relationships and an environment that facilitates that is really a big part of this journey. And I also wanna add a side note here. Just because one person, maybe it's your partner, has certain physical preferences, doesn't mean that it's the same or true for everyone. There are men out there that love thin women, curvy women, women in larger bodies, women with small boobs, women with big boobs, women with no boobs, women with light skin or dark skin. Short women, tall women. Literally all women. And that's not what we should necessarily be looking for to heal our insecurities. But I would be lying to say that it doesn't help to know that there are plenty of people out there who love and desire all different types of bodies. And the truth is, when a man doesn't care about the societal standards of beauty, ugh, it's so fucking hot. I love when my husband grabs my belly and gets turned on when I'm not feeling great about myself, but I literally see that desire in his eyes. You know what I'm talking about, right? And it doesn't matter if I'm showered or not, if I gained weight or lost weight, if I shaved or not. It is the best feeling to be seen and wanted for who you are unconditionally, and I am so attracted to it, but for many of us, we have to do some work to get there and that's okay. Awareness is everything. You are doing everything right by listening to my podcast right now. You are okay. You are enough as you are. And letting go of the shame of either not loving our own bodies or having opinions about bodies in general allows us to do the opposite and work towards literally redefining beauty and embracing who we are. If this is resonating with you, if you're loving this podcast, please go rate it on Apple or Spotify or wherever you're at, and if you don't like it, I'm actually very impressed that you got this far. In addition to rating the show, please feel free to share this with the women in your life that you love that might be struggling with something similar to this, or you could even just share it on your Instagram or your Facebook and of course, tag me. I would love to see it. Whenever I post something, I always think that if it's going to help just one woman feel better about her body, it's all worth it and it always is. Okay, my loves. I hope you have an amazing day and I'll see you next week.