When Divorce Is the Beginning, Not the End With Leah Reback

In this episode, I sit down with my incredible client Leah, who came to me for a boudoir experience shortly after her divorce. We talk about what life was like inside a marriage where she never felt enough, the decision to leave a second marriage, and how choosing herself became the beginning of everything.

This is a powerful conversation about self-worth, healing, reclaiming your body and voice, and taking up space - even when it’s hard, even when self-doubt creeps in. Leah’s journey is raw, inspiring, and a reminder that you don’t need anyone else’s permission to become unstoppable.

If you’re moving through divorce or simply finding your way back to yourself, this episode will remind you of what’s possible.

I would love to hear from you on Instagram!
https://www.instagram.com/rebeccasigalastudio

Transcript

Rebecca 0:01

Hello. Hello. Welcome to The Body Image Revolution. If you are new here. Hey babe. I'm Rebecca Sigala. I'm a body confidence coach and fine art boudoir photographer. For the past 12 years, I have been on a mission to help every single woman that I can feel amazing. In and about their bodies without needing to change them or fit some stupid ass standard just to feel like they're enough. We're gonna be talking about that today because I have an incredible guest who's sharing her story, my client, Leah, and I just truly feel. So blessed to have such amazing clients who I feel this soul level of connection with. Leah reached out to me shortly after she had separated from her husband, and she was in a darker moment at the time. But even looking back, I really saw how much light and hope she had. For not only coming back to herself, but truly creating a new life for herself, a new identity, a completely new way of seeing herself. And we talk about all of that and it's just so inspiring. This conversation was. So good. Leah is so real, and I know that she opened up because she truly hopes that this episode reaches the women who need to hear it. If you're leaving a marriage or a relationship, or even just a toxic situation that no longer serves you, this episode is going to remind you of all the fucking possibilities. I hope you enjoy and don't forget to pass it along to your friends who need to hear it too. Your hair looks amazing. Leah,

Leah 1:35

Hmm.

Rebecca 1:37

What have you been doing? Just being you.

Leah 1:40

Not like just trying to be my best self. Like I know that if there's work and there's like school and this and that and all those important and grownup stuff, but I also make an effort to make time for me. And I did my nails this, and I went over like my makeup drawer and I'm like this, I want this, I want this. I don't want,

Rebecca 2:07

Oh.

Leah 2:07

and just like organizing stuff, organizing. Me and my life and my house and just organizing.

Rebecca 2:18

and I think people don't even realize what a big deal that is. It's not just Right, it's not doing the things for external validation or for other people to see you a certain way. Especially after going through this journey that we've been through together, it's literally doing this from a place of self-love of worthiness, of knowing that you are deserving of feeling good and expressing yourself and your sexuality in a whole new way. And then that changes the whole thing.'cause you could like organize your shit from a place of shame. Like, I'm lazy, I'm this, I'm that. I need everything to be better. I need to be better. Or like do it from a place of love. Right.

Leah 3:06

exactly. 100%. So for the last week, this is, this is gonna be like a confession right now that nobody else knows. But, um, for the, for the last

Rebecca 3:17

Ooh.

Leah 3:17

I, I, I emptied my closet and 85% of my closet is on my bed because I am going over everything. And this makes me feel good. This doesn't make me feel good. This fits me, this doesn't fit me, this used to fit me and I'm probably never gonna fit in it again. And that's okay. I don't need to hold onto it anymore. Time to like chuck everything and, well not everything, but like what needs to be chucked and I,

Rebecca 3:49

Right.

Leah 3:50

and.

Rebecca 3:50

serves you.

Leah 3:52

Exactly like I don't, there's nothing to gain. There's no benefit in keeping a dress that I used to fit in. And if once I used to look at that dress and like hoping I'll fit into it again, then now when I look at the dress, I'm like, I don't need that dress. Like I don't need to fit into that dress. Which is

Rebecca 4:15

That's amazing.

Leah 4:17

look at things.

Rebecca 4:19

Yeah,

Leah 4:20

And yeah,

Rebecca 4:20

a hundred percent.

Leah 4:21

is that I'm been sleeping in the living room for the past week, but nevermind

Rebecca 4:25

In service of your higher self, your future version of yourself.

Leah 4:29

like, like down slope to go, like higher, but that, that's, it's

Rebecca 4:37

It doesn't sound like a down slope for me.

Leah 4:40

for a bigger upgrade, let's just say that. But my couch

Rebecca 4:44

Amazing. Okay. Well now people know a little bit about where you're at right now and how you're just literally creating this version of yourself that has already always been inside of you and you're just starting to express yourself and your style and like just figure shit out. But what makes me so proud and excited is hearing you now versus where you were when we first began working together last year. And I would love for people to get to know you because you're just so freaking cool and I've had such an amazing time working with you, and I feel like every time we talk is like a podcast episode. I'm like, wait, why isn't this being recorded right now?

Leah 5:31

No. What, no one ever told

Rebecca 5:33

So,

Leah 5:33

a huge compliment that whenever we have a

Rebecca 5:36

Aw,

Leah 5:37

with you, this is a podcast material. I'm like, okay, cool.

Rebecca 5:41

totally.

Leah 5:42

I'm podcast material.

Rebecca 5:43

Oh my gosh. Totally. A hundred percent. And,

Leah 5:47

I am. Let's, let's

Rebecca 5:49

but hey, I'll accept a compliment. Compliments are nice.

Leah 5:53

exactly. I am, I am accepting Right At this point in my life, I'm accepting compliments. Yes.

Rebecca 5:58

Yes. Okay. We, we gotta get to that'cause that actually is a really good story as well. But First of all, who are you? Like, okay, Leah, you live in Jerusalem? How old are you? What? What? Lights you up?

Leah 6:11

Okay. Oh, it's one of those, uh, so y'all know my name is Leah and the case sounded like I'm

Rebecca 6:19

Yes.

Leah 6:20

I'm not from Texas. I'm originally from New York and I've been living in Jerusalem for the past 10 years. My center of my life is, is here, my family's here, and my previous life is here too. And dealing with that is challenging. I'll explain in a second what I mean. And it's one of the main reasons why I pushed myself along with like a big kick in the butt from you, to, to, to go on this

Rebecca 6:57

I'm good at that.

Leah 6:58

yeah, yeah, yeah. We all need a kick in the butt sometimes. We all need one. I'm just trying to like use cleaner language.'cause otherwise I would swear, you

Rebecca 7:07

No, by the way, I don't know if you've listened to my podcast, but there's an E next to it, so feel free to curse.

Leah 7:14

Great. Okay, so, so now that we know that I can use the word that I actually wanted to use a

Rebecca 7:22

Yes.

Leah 7:22

kick in the ass and I think that what I mainly gained and. I'm gonna say it's like a prize I won almost from this, work together and journey

Rebecca 7:40

Hmm

Leah 7:42

is finally, finally, finally, after about 10 years of bad relationships with significant others and the people around me and

Rebecca 7:56

mm-hmm.

Leah 7:58

I am, um,

Rebecca 8:00

It all goes together, right?

Leah 8:02

in a place that I can say, you know what? I come first and

Rebecca 8:12

Are you gonna make me start crying in the first 10 minutes of this episode?

Leah 8:17

No, I mean, if it's, if it's joyful tears, then yeah, sure. Knock yourself out. But, um,

Rebecca 8:23

Definitely joyful.

Leah 8:24

good

Rebecca 8:25

It's

Leah 8:26

cry your eyes out.

Rebecca 8:27

always,

Leah 8:28

Um,

Rebecca 8:29

with you.

Leah 8:30

But yeah, and I think that 10 years of bad decisions and bad places and dark places, almost, not almost dark places that I was in and very, um, low places took a toll that I just, I couldn't take anymore. And I'm more than happy with the new me I am.

Rebecca 8:54

Wow. Can you share a little bit about what it was like for you right before we met, when you had just gotten out of marriage and you were in a transitory period. For sure. What was that like? What was your life like? What were you thinking about yourself

Leah 9:21

I know that it's like not, I mean, it's easy to be smart, once you're out and not like seeing the actual

Rebecca 9:29

In hindsight.

Leah 9:30

Yeah. As you said, I got divorced in December 24 and there were a lot of things, brought us to that point. But in terms of how I was seeing myself, how I was feeling then and there, was I really wanna say that this wasn't on purpose from the other side, but I felt like I was always being put down. I was never good enough, no matter what I did, what I gave, how much I gave time, effort, finances, it was never acknowledged, never appreciated. And that got me into a big, black, mess, like

Rebecca 10:29

Yeah.

Leah 10:31

dark, and it just sounds like super, morbid when I say dark, I wasn't on the verge of doing anything really bad,

Rebecca 10:42

crazy. Yeah.

Leah 10:43

just, let's just make that clear to like, I, I wasn't,

Rebecca 10:47

Yeah.

Leah 10:48

but it's like, it's the whole,

Rebecca 10:49

Well, I think that, I think that when.

Leah 10:51

that like you're, no matter what you do, you're not good enough. And no matter what you do or how much you do or how much, you put into something, you don't get anything in return. And I honestly think that's what a relationship is supposed to be like with yourself, with someone else, with your significant other, with your friends, with the people around you, your family. And

Rebecca 11:20

What is it supposed to be like?

Leah 11:22

I'm not saying that you need to give in order to get, I mean, it can be like a nice person and just

Rebecca 11:27

Right,

Leah 11:28

get but I feel like when it comes to a romantic relationship, like a marriage or a significant other, then it's a two way street.

Rebecca 11:40

Right,

Leah 11:41

And if

Rebecca 11:42

right.

Leah 11:43

you is a bicycle and the second one is a truck, there's,

Rebecca 11:48

Yeah.

Leah 11:48

room for, for, for both of you. Like you, you get what

Rebecca 11:52

Right.

Leah 11:53

That came out a bit crooked,

Rebecca 11:54

You can give. You don't need to give to get, but you still both need to give.

Leah 12:00

And if it ends up with one side giving and giving and giving, there's nothing left to give anyone.

Rebecca 12:07

And I think so many women can relate to that story and those types of relationships that they've been in. I mean, I know because I've, I've spoken to so many women who are either in them, have gotten out of them, and it's like you lose yourself in it.

Leah 12:25

lose yourself in it. Exactly. You don't find space for, for you in this relationship and a relationship is two people. Eventually, like your space is consumed by the other side

Rebecca 12:41

Yeah. And then I think what happens is there's this narrative that either the other person is telling you or showing you about yourself that just gets ingrained. I feel like that's like the part that's really harmful, where you start believing certain things about yourself that are not even true. And then it just continues this toxic relationship and you lose yourself even more. And it's so hard to get it out. So, I mean, just the,

Leah 13:13

keeps feeding itself.

Rebecca 13:15

yeah.

Leah 13:16

if you don't break it, don't realize how vicious it was. Like once you step

Rebecca 13:22

Yeah.

Leah 13:22

you're like, oh, damn, I was stuck

Rebecca 13:26

Yeah.

Leah 13:27

in this really bad place and I

Rebecca 13:31

How did you, I mean, you don't have to go into detail, but how did you break free from that? What was it that made you be like, I deserve more than this? We hadn't, we weren't even working together at that point.

Leah 13:45

well, first of all, not to go into detail, but,

Rebecca 13:51

Right. Maybe just something that, like someone who might be in that situation could think of, or

Leah 13:59

I, I, I've been,

Rebecca 13:59

maybe something would

Leah 14:00

feeling

Rebecca 14:01

out.

Leah 14:01

about six months up to the breakup that our relationship has been going, downhill. And the fact that forget that my, my ex-husband didn't have time for me. I didn't have time for me,

Rebecca 14:18

Yeah.

Leah 14:19

and I was like constantly, like work, work, home, work, home, work, work, home work. Like

Rebecca 14:27

Hi.

Leah 14:28

there wasn't, there was nothing

Rebecca 14:31

You were done.

Leah 14:32

Beyond done. It's like life has more to it work and sleep.

Rebecca 14:44

Yeah.

Leah 14:45

And if you are in a relationship that you, and your significant other, understand that have an understanding have, the like, acknowledge the fact that it doesn't all evolve around just like saying you're in a relationship or how people see you, or, oh yeah, I am. He's my husband, I'm his wife, whatever. There's more.

Rebecca 15:14

Right,

Leah 15:14

there's more to it than that. And

Rebecca 15:17

right. Like keeping up appearances, but then not really investing in the actual relationship.

Leah 15:25

And I just couldn't take it anymore.

Rebecca 15:28

Yeah.

Leah 15:29

just,

Rebecca 15:30

Wow.

Leah 15:30

I, I couldn't take it anymore. And I, I'm gonna say snapped, for lack of a better word. And I didn't hit anybody like that. Not that kind of snapped, but, um,

Rebecca 15:46

Didn't even think that.

Leah 15:47

I don't know. But people hear snapped and they're like, she like probably killed him or something. And how is she not in jail? But, um, I didn't kill him, I promise.

Rebecca 15:59

This is perfect. I love this conversation.

Leah 16:01

I just, spoke to friends. I spoke to like one of my best friends, and she's like, you know what? I'm happy that you opened your eyes on your own without

Rebecca 16:12

Yeah,

Leah 16:13

me needing to tell you. Because sucks to be that person to tell you that listen, you're in a bad relationship, especially when

Rebecca 16:21

yeah, yeah,

Leah 16:22

marriage and alert,

Rebecca 16:25

yeah.

Leah 16:26

when it's your second marriage and you thought it was better than the first one and you thought it was like, oh, everything's gonna be peachy and great now. And uh, guess what? Another spoiler alert, it's not.

Rebecca 16:38

Yeah.

Leah 16:39

and

Rebecca 16:40

just see it as like super badass, that it is a second marriage and you're still willing to be like, I need to get out of something that is not healthy for me. Because so many people would not be able to do that. I mean, understandably so, but also like, damn, like I'm gonna put aside what anybody else thinks of me. This idea of like, this could be a quote unquote personal failure, which of course it's not, but all of those thoughts I'm sure came rushing in and you still were like, I'm choosing me.

Leah 17:19

I honestly, I, I also wanna say that since, um, I know that, there's been like, talk about me and yeah, like he that his life goal go and like basically talk shit about me and

Rebecca 17:41

Who do I have? Who do I get to go fuck up? Like, I'm just getting so mad. That is not okay. I can't even imagine someone talking.

Leah 17:49

if something happened between like, two partners, you don't need to go and tell the whole damn world about it.

Rebecca 17:56

Yeah,

Leah 17:57

And the, From a year Or eight, 10 months ago been like, well, yeah, maybe I did do something wrong and maybe this, and maybe I'm not like, well, obviously I'm not a saint. No one's a saint. But, um, except for saints, maybe like I.

Rebecca 18:22

A sinner and a

Leah 18:23

Center an state. Yeah. so maybe like, I, maybe I really wasn't. Okay. Maybe I should have like addressed it this differently. I should have, I, I don't know, done something earlier or whatever and, and try to save this relationship, but there's like, but the me now would be like, this relationship wasn't worth saving anyway.

Rebecca 18:46

Yeah.

Leah 18:46

And I don't care what people think and say. I do know also is that people hear his side of the story, okay, great. But when people hear my side of the story, they do realize that, hmm, you're not at fault here.

Rebecca 19:07

But that's the truth.

Leah 19:08

Yep.

Rebecca 19:10

Yep.

Leah 19:12

and

Rebecca 19:12

feel you.

Leah 19:13

fine, fine, whatever. Let him say whatever he wants to say.

Rebecca 19:17

Yeah.

Leah 19:17

Hater's gonna be haters.

Rebecca 19:19

I think that also makes sense to feel like, you know, especially coming out of a relationship that's not healthy, like just think that maybe you're to blame, blame yourself and that's just part of the cycle and it's so incredible that you Yeah.

Leah 19:35

I mean, it's

Rebecca 19:36

Yeah.

Leah 19:37

to say, I fucked up and I'll deal with the consequences. I didn't

Rebecca 19:43

Right. Also, people don't like being, people don't like being victims, so then they go to like, oh, well, nothing really happened to me. I'm in control of this. But sometimes people do shitty things and sometimes shitty things happen in our lives that are outside of our control.

Leah 19:58

exactly. And I wanna also say that

Rebecca 20:01

Um,

Leah 20:02

my motto for as long as I can remember, I don't make mistakes. I obviously do make mistakes, but I, what,

Rebecca 20:15

right.

Leah 20:15

people would see as a mistake I see as a life lesson what can I take from this? So I don't regret,

Rebecca 20:26

good.

Leah 20:27

I don't regret anything I did. And

Rebecca 20:32

I.

Leah 20:33

now I feel that even like 200 times more I do not

Rebecca 20:40

Yeah.

Leah 20:40

Jack shit.

Rebecca 20:43

Wow. Well that actually, I mean, such queen energy, such, I don't know, I just, I'm so inspired when I hear that it's definitely how I try to live my life as well. It reminds me a bit of when we first spoke and you said, well, I just wanna get back to myself. This is the first time that we ever spoke. You said, I wanna get back to myself. And I was like, I feel like it's a little more than that. I feel like there's something in there that you've never been able to fully express before. Let's explore that. Let's bring her out.

Leah 21:25

I want to be myself 2.0.

Rebecca 21:28

I.

Leah 21:28

Upgraded,

Rebecca 21:30

Yeah.

Leah 21:31

yes.

Rebecca 21:32

Yeah. And why it reminded me of what you said is because how could you regret going through the challenges that brought you to a place that you never even imagined that you'd be in a positive way?

Leah 21:50

You need to go through shit to realize that. You're pretty darn good. You're like, you're, you're definitely a lot stronger and a lot more powerful, and you have more strength than you want to believe,

Rebecca 22:07

Right. Sometimes I'm like, I'm done being strong, but

Leah 22:12

well, we all have those

Rebecca 22:13

you know what I mean.

Leah 22:13

those moments.

Rebecca 22:14

But we all still have to go through it and we can't be done with it.

Leah 22:20

Every Thursday I feel like I'm done. But,

Rebecca 22:23

And then you do it. I saw, I saw a meme. It was like, behind every girl who says, I'm done with this shit, is the girl that is going to keep going and do her best.

Leah 22:34

of course. Every single Sunday, every Sunday, every Sunday when I walk into work, I'm like, that's it. I'm quitting. I'm done with this crap. Oh, wait, I'm

Rebecca 22:43

I am done.

Leah 22:45

I screw you guys. I'm

Rebecca 22:46

Uh, every si every siren. I'm like, I'm done with this shit. I can.

Leah 22:51

Yeah.

Rebecca 22:52

like, oh, well, I guess.

Leah 22:53

what? Then we go to, then we go to work every single week, every single day. And we actually enjoy it. I enjoy

Rebecca 23:03

Yeah.

Leah 23:04

I enjoy what I do.

Rebecca 23:05

Yeah.

Leah 23:07

Yeah,

Rebecca 23:07

wanna tell people what you do? What do you do?

Leah 23:09

For, for those who don't like know me, I am a certified paramedic and I work as a physician's assistant at, the imaging department at, Hadassah Mount Scopus.

Rebecca 23:25

Incredible. Yeah, and that's also one thing that I really do wanna point out is when people say struggles in dark times, they're like, well that sounds really, you said it sounds really morbid and it sounds really like I was gonna do something bad to myself. Or you know you don't feel like it paints the picture of what it actually was, even though of course it was a very, very dark time. But I think most of the struggles that women have, and especially the women that I work with have is the internal struggle where you're getting up, you have an awesome freaking job, job you love, you're going to work, you have friends, you have a life, you go through the motions, right? It's not that you're held back from showing up or doing what you need to do in life, but the internal dialogue is what is bringing you down. So then you broke free from that.

Leah 24:19

Yeah.

Rebecca 24:20

And I remember you reached out to me and you're like, oh, you do a boudoir, I wanna do a boudoir shoot.

Leah 24:25

Right,

Rebecca 24:25

And you didn't really even realize what I was doing. And the depth of the transformation, the journey that you were about to go through. Can you tell me a little bit about that? About just reaching out what you were thinking and then what the first call was like for you?

Leah 24:44

Well, sure, I can, a boudoir session is something that I always had in mind

Rebecca 24:51

and you did something like it before, right? You had like a shoot or something that was similar. Yeah. Not comparable, but you did it

Leah 25:01

Yeah. It was always there In the back of my mind and I just never, I'm not gonna say never had the opportunity like to, you know what, yeah. I am gonna say never had the opportunity because I knew that my family would look at it like, what the heck? And my husband would be like, what the heck? And no one good friend of mine would be like, yes, shit, do this. That's why she's my best friend, by the way. And, was never, in a point in life that I could afford to do this. Not like,

Rebecca 25:41

Mm-hmm.

Leah 25:42

not financially, but like

Rebecca 25:44

Yeah.

Leah 25:45

to do. This is probably the best way to describe what I'm

Rebecca 25:48

Yeah.

Leah 25:49

And,

Rebecca 25:50

No, I think that's said.

Leah 25:53

and, our first call, felt that I could say absolutely everything and anything, and I did, I said a lot of shit and I started crying at some point, or maybe it was after the conversation. I don't remember. But when I realized that it's not just gonna be like a photo shoot, I'm like, am I up for this? Am actually going through with this whole journey, just like this walkthrough. Well insert whatever challenge you have, like if it's the desert or a jungle or whatever, but like this journey that is so much more than just taking awesome, sexy pictures because

Rebecca 26:54

Yeah.

Leah 26:55

if you're not there. Mentally, like you're not, it's so much more than that. It's

Rebecca 27:03

Yeah. That call kind of was making that jump mentally because you were like, I wanna shoot. Then I was like, why do you wanna shoot?

Leah 27:14

right. And then,

Rebecca 27:15

And then we like got into it and then it was like, oh wait, even though of course that's what I offer. But even for you, you wanted so much more from it than you realized.

Leah 27:27

I got so much more from it than I, than I thought I would.

Rebecca 27:30

Um,

Leah 27:31

I think that, the main event here is not necessarily. Amazing Photos are an amazing album. Thank you for that. By the way. It arrived this week. I'm so happy. It's on my table and, uh,

Rebecca 27:44

I.

Leah 27:46

on my coffee table in the middle of the living room. I'm so happy. um,

Rebecca 27:51

my gosh. That's the joke I make. I'm like, oh, you could put it on your coffee table and you did it.

Leah 27:56

you not, it's right behind my computer on the table. It's like the main event is not the fact that I have a amazing album amazing photos and I'm pretty, and this and sexy and whatever. The main event and the main goal here is I can say that the person in those photos is me. You get what I'm saying?

Rebecca 28:27

Whoa, Uhhuh,

Leah 28:28

I. That's like, yes, of

Rebecca 28:31

I get what you're saying.

Leah 28:32

right behind the camera. Yes, that makes sense. But like the essence me, that's,

Rebecca 28:39

Yeah.

Leah 28:40

think that, that kind of like defines it in the best way. That this is me. And when we went over the photos and there was one of them that I said, that's, that's me. What did I say? I was happy. I was good. What was the word I used? I don't remember,

Rebecca 29:01

you said that that was like you in a photo that really was the essence of you. And then I remember you said something that just really hit me. You're like, it's not that. I look at this and I'm like, oh, I'm pretty, I'm beautiful. That too. But I look at this and I see that I'm good.

Leah 29:21

Right. It's like I am finally in my best, first of all, with my best interest in mind and my best place, my best working on myself because it is always, it's always work, and there's

Rebecca 29:41

Yeah.

Leah 29:42

to do

Rebecca 29:42

Well, I feel like that's the epitome of the self-love work that everybody, and not everybody, but a lot of people in my world are working towards where it's seeing yourself all parts of yourself. The things that are amazing and that you naturally love and the things that are more challenging for you, your dark parts, seeing all of you and being able to say, I'm good.

Leah 30:13

I am.

Rebecca 30:13

I'm enough.

Leah 30:15

I

Rebecca 30:15

I am.

Leah 30:18

and I'm good with

Rebecca 30:18

Wow.

Leah 30:20

I'm enough with being good.

Rebecca 30:21

Yeah. Right. It's not I'm enough like a resignation. It's, it's different than that.

Leah 30:29

Right. It's a different enough. It's like,

Rebecca 30:32

Yeah.

Leah 30:33

it's funny, I'm actually gonna quote a TV series that I just started like that. There's a couple there that, that they're like, it's a forbidden love, whatever, blah, blah, blah. and they're like, we're all we need. And I'm like, you know what? I'm all I need and love that. And yeah, that's where I am now and I am all I need.

Rebecca 31:03

Am all I. That is so the epitome of everything that I stand for and everything that I want to be able to give women. And people don't really understand that from the outside'cause they just see, oh, you,

Leah 31:18

'cause you have

Rebecca 31:18

you take sexy pictures. Do it.

Leah 31:21

have to like

Rebecca 31:22

Yeah.

Leah 31:23

You have to go through something

Rebecca 31:26

Yeah,

Leah 31:27

like, it's easier said than done almost to say like, I'm

Rebecca 31:32

yeah,

Leah 31:32

and this, whatever, but. To truly believe and truly like stand behind those words you have to go, through something. Either, either go on this journey or this process, or people go to therapy, people go to

Rebecca 31:49

yeah.

Leah 31:49

go to that, people go climb the Killamanjaro. That's also an option and not my, not for me. Um, I don't do that stuff. No, no. That's, I'm afraid

Rebecca 32:02

Rather just do photo shoots all.

Leah 32:04

I don't do that stuff. But, yeah. And I believe that the essence of self love and self-acceptance and all those things that we all. Aspire to feel and to, to

Rebecca 32:23

Yeah.

Leah 32:24

we want. Everybody wants to be there is that you are enough. You are

Rebecca 32:33

Yeah.

Leah 32:34

You don't need You don't need to prove yourself. You don't need to be a people pleaser. Screw

Rebecca 32:43

Yep.

Leah 32:43

Who do you need to? Who? Who do you need to please?

Rebecca 32:46

Yeah.

Leah 32:46

You don't need to please anybody

Rebecca 32:48

Yeah.

Leah 32:49

except

Rebecca 32:49

One.

Leah 32:51

That came out really bad. I'm sorry.

Rebecca 32:56

Or really good.

Leah 32:58

Yes. You know what? Please yourself in any way that you can think of. That's what I'm gonna say.

Rebecca 33:05

Love that, that is very in line with my brand. Okay, so what about the process leading up to the boudoir session in my studio was helpful for you?

Leah 33:21

Well, the fact that, there were like zoom calls what was it, every week, every other week? Once a month? I don't remember.

Rebecca 33:27

We had like two, maybe three calls beforehand

Leah 33:31

But

Rebecca 33:31

and And then you could always message me in between.

Leah 33:37

The

Rebecca 33:37

and you had like the messaging support.

Leah 33:41

like a way to like reflect on what we did and what we're going to do. And I think

Rebecca 33:49

Yeah,

Leah 33:49

who need, I'm a person like that, I need like this structure almost

Rebecca 33:55

yeah,

Leah 33:56

to know what I'm going towards and forget the fact that I felt like super comfortable from the first call, whatever then and all that. That's, that's

Rebecca 34:06

yeah. Sparks were flying on both sides.

Leah 34:09

Yes, exactly. wish I had that. Like, wait, but nevermind. Um,

Rebecca 34:17

Yes. That's coming too.

Leah 34:19

down that road again. We spoke enough about that. But, I do think that me and a lot of there are people like me, need the structure, and not just like, throw you in the water and just swim to shore with, oh, we're gonna have like, super exposed photos and deal with it.

Rebecca 34:45

Yeah.

Leah 34:47

When I explain to my friends, like, I don't go and talk to the whole world about it, but when people

Rebecca 34:54

Right.

Leah 34:54

like, so how was, how this, what did you do? And then, and I tell them about the boudoir session that we had. They're like, wasn't it weird to just like. Stand there in your underwear or whatever. And I'm like, first of all, it's not just like standing there in your underwear B, it wasn't weird at all. And they're like, how wasn't it weird? It's like super exposed and this and that. And I'm like, it was super exposed, but exposing my body, I wanna say that the whole way there, I expose my mind and my soul. And

Rebecca 35:33

Yeah. Beautiful.

Leah 35:36

once you do that, exposing your body A feels completely different. B

Rebecca 35:45

Yeah.

Leah 35:45

easier.'cause exposing your soul is tough as

Rebecca 35:50

Whoa.

Leah 35:51

fuck.

Rebecca 35:54

Yeah.

Leah 35:55

And

Rebecca 35:57

Wow. Such a good way to put it. Leah.

Leah 36:00

Like digging into the, nasty parts and the, I wasn't accepted and always there and I always eat too much. And talking about those points that throughout your life always brought you down is, a lot harder in your underwear,

Rebecca 36:29

Wow. Yeah, and I think, when you do expose your body without. Exposing your soul. Then there's something that just doesn't feel safe about that

Leah 36:41

right? I agree. I agree

Rebecca 36:45

you feel like maybe you're hiding parts of yourself or someone's judging you. We created safety in this space before

Leah 36:54

100% safe and comfortable and I remember like when I told my mom, which is by the way, when I told my

Rebecca 37:08

Yeah. It's a big.

Leah 37:10

The fact that I told her is, is pretty damn amazing, um, about the, the boudoir session. She's like, but why? Like, don't you feel it's, it's like too much. It's like you're out there and you're, you're exposed and this, and I'm like, yes. But that A, that's kind of the point B,

Rebecca 37:35

Yeah, literally like your story and what you want to embody is like

Leah 37:41

B.

Rebecca 37:42

up the space.

Leah 37:43

The fact that we had this whole prepping journey to bring us up to this

Rebecca 37:49

Hmm.

Leah 37:51

made it super safe and super comfortable and I mean, I didn't feel weird at any point, any point

Rebecca 38:06

That's amazing.

Leah 38:07

I know.

Rebecca 38:08

That's amazing. So fun. So much fun. Yeah. Someone was saying the other day, I'm sure like people are like crying in your sessions. And I said, it's a very emotional journey, but I think because we do the stuff before the session, yeah, maybe we'll tear up a little bit or we'll say something that's really emotional or really big like in the session, but generally more of the emotional aspect of it or the logical aspect of it happens before. And then when you're there, it's like it's in your body and it's fun and we're celebrating. And yes, it is emotional too, but it's not overwhelming.

Leah 38:48

Right. I think that That's super like important also to understand that I totally understand how to see it as like and. Overwhelming, and maybe I'm gonna say, God forbid, traumatizing for, for people.'cause that

Rebecca 39:08

It. I mean, it could very well be with the wrong person in the wrong,

Leah 39:13

for,

Rebecca 39:13

like the wrong photographer, the wrong situation. Someone who's not sensitive, like, oh my gosh. Yeah, a hundred percent.

Leah 39:21

And it could be, I understand that completely, but the work done before, just takes that all away and you end up with, with one heck of a ride.

Rebecca 39:37

Um, I'm so beautiful.

Leah 39:39

Yeah.

Rebecca 39:40

So then can you just. and then can you talk a little bit about what it was like when you came here, on the day of getting your hair and makeup done, the shoot. What was that experience like for you?

Leah 39:52

and it was terrified, but

Rebecca 39:55

Um, because you,

Leah 39:58

I was driving in the rain, in the fog, and I'm okay. I just need to live to get this photo shoot done. That's it. Like I don't need anything after that. I just like, just get me there. Okay. And I get there, like, I get to the studio and first we start with hair and makeup and I'm like, huh, I'm making pretty. And, and and I was pretty in the end I felt like a princess.

Rebecca 40:25

oh my God, in the beginning too, Leah, you forget.

Leah 40:29

In the beginning too. I know. but like. We're like going to upgrade. So I felt like a upgraded version of pretty than the pretty I was at the

Rebecca 40:38

It enhanced your beauty that was already there.

Leah 40:41

Enhancing is the word I was looking for. Sure, sure. True. And

Rebecca 40:45

But I remember you walked in and we were like wearing something very similar with like gold hoops and like,

Leah 40:51

right,

Rebecca 40:51

don't know, I just remember we were like already matching. I loved it.

Leah 40:55

'cause'cause that's like the basic

Rebecca 40:58

It's just Yeah, of course.

Leah 41:00

of jeans and whatever. Uh,

Rebecca 41:03

part.

Leah 41:04

exactly. But, uh, so yeah, hair and makeup and I felt like I, we also spoke about this, that like, what I envisioned and forget the fact that you agreed of me, the fact that the makeup artist agreed of me, Shani, I. Um, it was like, Hey, yay, I, I, I, I'm getting a hang of this. I know, like I know what's good for me. Almost the

Rebecca 41:37

Yeah.

Leah 41:38

what, what suits me? What will make me look my best?

Rebecca 41:42

Right. You were like, I want a cat eye. And I was like, yes. That would look so hot on you. She agreed. Right. I remember that. That was so good.

Leah 41:51

It's like, this is, I know exactly, I don't know if exactly,'cause I'm not a makeup artist, but like, I knew what, the idea of what my hair and makeup would look like, and we all agreed on it. And that, that already feel like, okay, I'm in the zone and I'm comfortable and feel comfortable and I feel like I know what I'm doing. Almost.

Rebecca 42:15

Yeah. In control.

Leah 42:18

control.

Rebecca 42:18

In control,

Leah 42:19

yes. That's,

Rebecca 42:21

yeah.

Leah 42:22

I'm on top of

Rebecca 42:23

And this is your space for you. You could actually take up the space and if you like something, you can let us know. If you don't like something, you can let us know. And you felt comfortable and safe to do that?

Leah 42:35

you that. I don't like something which

Rebecca 42:38

Hmm? That, that is next level.

Leah 42:43

one, like 100% the opposite of how I was, let's say a month before we started talking. Like, I don't wanna confront things, I don't wanna like speak up. want,

Rebecca 42:59

I remember you said that during hair and makeup, and I was like, I don't even see you that way. I can't imagine you being timid and not sharing your opinion. And you're like, that's crazy. Because literally a few months before that was not me.

Leah 43:14

exactly. Yeah. It's exactly like

Rebecca 43:18

I, I, yeah. And I still, that's just still how I see you.

Leah 43:21

and I

Rebecca 43:22

It's incredible.

Leah 43:24

and I say what I gotta say and I don't send everyone like, fuck off.'cause like, that's just not nice. But like,

Rebecca 43:34

You can, you can

Leah 43:35

if

Rebecca 43:35

do it kindly.

Leah 43:36

if you guys

Rebecca 43:37

I,

Leah 43:37

hear what I have to say, then I'll say it. If you don't wanna hear what I have to say, A, don't ask B. Um, oh, well with it. This is me, this is what I have to say. And I've actually been listening to this song, a lot lately. It's not new or anything. It's a really old song, but it's um, it's Katy Perry's"Roar". It's like, I used to be this, I used to be that. I used to be this, and I'm like, you are gonna hear me roar. That's it.

Rebecca 44:08

that's the anthem. I love it. And then we went through the session. I had so much fun and all the Polaroids came out freaking amazing and you took breaks and we just like ate and listen to music. You had an incredible playlist. It was so much fun,

Leah 44:28

When I was building the playlist, I was like looking for songs that. Not reminded me, but like maybe brought back memories or brought these feelings that I knew that I wanted to feel, like I wanted to feel like, uh,

Rebecca 44:50

powerful.

Leah 44:51

right now. Powerful. there's like, a list of, of what song makes me feel X and that's the song I put on the playlist. What,

Rebecca 45:00

Right.

Leah 45:00

song

Rebecca 45:01

you used, like when we redefined your definition of sexy, I think you used that, right? Like you redefined what feels sexy for you and then those words were like, powerful, this, that, and then I think isn't that what helped you kind of create the vibe and what you wanted from the session and the music?

Leah 45:21

exactly.

Rebecca 45:22

Yeah.

Leah 45:23

So when,

Rebecca 45:24

Yeah.

Leah 45:25

we had that conversation, one of the words that I really, really remember, like saying that had a huge impact was like in control. And that feeling of being in control is what was me the whole entire time. And as I said before, as I walked in, during hair and makeup, during the whole session, it's like I, I'm in control and I'm on top of shit and this is me and hear me roar.

Rebecca 45:54

You reclaimed your power.

Leah 45:56

Yeah,

Rebecca 45:58

It's incredible.

Leah 45:59

is.

Rebecca 46:01

Okay, so then we did that. And then what things shifted for you after the shoot? How did your life, your environment, how you felt about yourself start shifting

Leah 46:12

Well the

Rebecca 46:13

since the shoe

Leah 46:14

two days after I was like floating on clouds, because it's like this high

Rebecca 46:19

I.

Leah 46:19

rush after that it's like I would look at myself in the mirror and I'm like, damn, girl, you did it you did it. Not someone did it for you. Not, you almost did it. You did it. And with that you did it attitude. gonna walk out into the world and feel confident and in control and. Unstoppable is a new word that I thought of actually, and

Rebecca 46:51

that so much.

Leah 46:52

I know right. Unstoppable is amazing. I love that. And that's also a Sia a song, which I've also been listening to a lot lately. I, I feel like my playlist has shifted from like My Chemical Romance to pop stars. And

Rebecca 47:10

I mean, that says it all. We don't even need to have this conversation.

Leah 47:13

Like, Welcome to the Black Parade versus Katy Perry Roar to all you music fanatics out there. Um, I, I'm not kidding. This is what my playlist looks like. It's like Four Seasons by Vivaldi and then Katy Perry, My Chemical Romance and suddenly it's like Marlon Manson. No, I'm kidding. Not actually, but that's, that's kind of like, but but yeah, the fact

Rebecca 47:41

All the parts.

Leah 47:42

And that also like says something that I can accept all the parts of me, the dark Marilyn Manson parts and the poppy Beyonce or whatever you kids listen to these days. um, like I, I can be everything and anything and that's enough. Again, I

Rebecca 48:12

Yeah.

Leah 48:13

can be a

Rebecca 48:14

That's just,

Leah 48:15

and a queen and a mother and thing,

Rebecca 48:22

I do not feel ashamed.

Leah 48:23

I do not feel ashamed.

Rebecca 48:26

Yes.

Leah 48:27

song on my

Rebecca 48:28

I,

Leah 48:28

after that song is Anouk's Nobody's Wife

Rebecca 48:33

Oh.

Leah 48:35

yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rebecca 48:37

Okay, so then things start shifting. Your music is changing. You're looking in the mirror. You're thinking, damn, I did that. Which actually, when you were just saying that, now I remember I asked you one of the things that you would like to be able to do and you said, I wanna look in the mirror and be like, damn, I look sexy. And you did that even before the boudoir shoot, but like, just hearing that again makes me so happy. So some time goes by and then we do the gallery reveal. And that was such a cool experience, even for me to just be a part of

Leah 49:14

Right.

Rebecca 49:15

those pictures with you for the first time. What did you think about them and how did it change the way you see yourself?

Leah 49:22

I, remember one photo specifically, one moment that it's like, uh, you know, you know exactly what photo I'm talking about.

Rebecca 49:33

Exactly.

Leah 49:34

You know exactly what I like my, my thighs. Yes, my thunder, thighs. That when we got to that photo, I'm like. I love this. And you're like, but you weren't secure about your thighs when we first spoke. And like, I'm like, but I love this photo still your

Rebecca 49:54

You're like, I can't.

Leah 49:56

I can't explain. I mean, I never liked my thighs, but I love this photo. What can I say? just like,

Rebecca 50:04

Wow.

Leah 50:05

and, when I went over the photos, I'm like, there's not even one that I don't like. I mean, obviously there's pictures that I love more and pictures that I,

Rebecca 50:18

Of course.

Leah 50:19

I love and I love more. aren't pictures that I don't love.

Rebecca 50:22

Yeah. And how many were there? There? Like 150 or something crazy like that.

Leah 50:27

Yeah. Yeah. And I loved all of them.

Rebecca 50:30

that's

Leah 50:31

How do I choose,

Rebecca 50:32

incredible.

Leah 50:33

child? You can't do that. It's not cool. It's not fair.

Rebecca 50:38

abandon them.

Leah 50:39

abandon them. I put so much effort into it. How am I supposed to abandon them now? Not cool.

Rebecca 50:47

I have a question about the thighs. So a lot of times someone could see a picture and just think, okay, well she's a really good photographer, or it just looks good in that picture. But I'm curious if it actually changed the way you see your thighs now.'cause it's been a couple months since then.

Leah 51:04

thighs. I like them. I do like them. They're here and they're present, and they're a part of me and I'm comfortable with them. like them and I wear shorts,

Rebecca 51:21

So it works.

Leah 51:22

shorts, which was an issue.

Rebecca 51:26

Yeah. That's the key is not just being like, I love these pictures, but really being able to take that new way of thinking about yourself and rewire your brain. That's literally what we did is rewire it to think differently about yourself, and people don't even think that's possible, but like you're freaking living proof of it.

Leah 51:54

It is, it is possible and it's so worth it. It's, it's knowing that as hard as things may be and as depressing and frustrating, and this, it's totally worth, you're totally worth loving.

Rebecca 52:16

Wow.

Leah 52:17

You don't need anything and anyone else. You are all you need.

Rebecca 52:22

Oh, Hmm. I feel like I wanna give myself a hug.

Leah 52:27

Yay.

Rebecca 52:30

We're so cute. Cute. Okay, so then we're getting to the end. We're getting there. And at the same time, it's just the beginning, but you just got your album two days ago, three days ago.

Leah 52:44

two or three sometimes. It's sometime this week. Yeah. Two, three days ago.

Rebecca 52:47

Yeah.

Leah 52:48

I got it on the day that I had a night shift and I actually took it with me to work, to go like to, to look at it throughout my shift. Yeah. And. I, I actually showed it to a friend of mine that works with me and she was like, don't know how you had the courage, but this is awesome. And I'm like, thank you. I'm gonna say that I don't know how I had the courage either, but you know what, I do know a lot of work.

Rebecca 53:22

It is so interesting that that is people's first reaction, I guess just'cause I've been doing it for so long and I know how much courage it takes and where people are at before the journey, but it's just interesting that that's the first thing that people say.

Leah 53:40

It's, she loved it. She's been like part of the whole. The whole divorce, the whole this or that, whatever. Like,'cause I've been to work like, and you

Rebecca 53:52

Yeah.

Leah 53:52

not only is this awesome, I'm actually like, proud of you for,

Rebecca 53:58

Wow.

Leah 53:59

For doing this for yourself. She was like, before, she's like, and who's gonna see the album? I'm like, I'm gonna see the album. I don't need anyone else to see the album. It's like my tattoos, not for anyone else. They're for me. It's my

Rebecca 54:21

Yeah.

Leah 54:22

It's my, my journey to look at my journey to, Explore and live and, and continue. It's, for me, it's not for anyone else. I mean, if you wanna see, go, go ahead. Be my guest. But, um,

Rebecca 54:44

Right. Exactly. It's not that you're relying on someone else to like it in order for you to feel good about it.

Leah 54:49

like it. That's the thing.

Rebecca 54:52

Yeah.

Leah 54:53

I don't,

Rebecca 54:54

And you also don't need anyone else to like you to feel good about you.

Leah 54:59

I like me. That's what counts.

Rebecca 55:02

Damn. That is incredible. That is the age old question. Well, what's, what are the pictures for?

Leah 55:10

For

Rebecca 55:10

What are you gonna do with the album? Yes,

Leah 55:15

They're not for anyone else. It's for me, I enjoyed it.

Rebecca 55:19

a hundred percent.

Leah 55:20

Mm-hmm. Ow.

Rebecca 55:24

So looking back on this entire journey, what is the thing that you're most proud of that you shifted or accomplished or thought of differently? Like what was your biggest win?

Leah 55:40

Well, first of all, the fact that I saw this through is

Rebecca 55:45

Yeah.

Leah 55:46

I'm proud of and the fact that I can now stand and say, this is me. This is me time I come first, call it whatever you want. Everyone has a different sentence they use, but. This is me and take it or leave it. But I'm not going anywhere. And I'm not changing for,

Rebecca 56:12

I take it.

Leah 56:13

I'm not compromising for anybody because of anybody body,

Rebecca 56:19

Yeah.

Leah 56:20

because of anything, any, and as my shirt says,"ciao" um, it's like ciao You don't like the idea. bye.

Rebecca 56:38

Okay.

Leah 56:39

I don't need validation. I don't need you to agree with me with what I represent, what I say, how I dress, how I look. I

Rebecca 56:52

Yeah.

Leah 56:53

This is me,

Rebecca 56:54

Yeah. And it's so understandable that we get wrapped up in that because that's just so much of the society that we live in, and we're taught that our body size equals our worth, that this everything external equals our worth. So when people are struggling with that, I always just want to make sure that they know that that's normal and it's not impossible to change it. It is so possible to change.

Leah 57:23

like that. We all,

Rebecca 57:25

Yeah,

Leah 57:25

it's, it's normal, but it's what we do with those feelings that come from

Rebecca 57:33

yeah,

Leah 57:35

that make a difference. Which brings me back to

Rebecca 57:39

yeah.

Leah 57:39

no regrets for anything I did

Rebecca 57:42

Hmm.

Leah 57:43

It's what I choose to take from those so-called mistakes that are described as mistakes by society, and what I choose to take from there that that counts and what I do. From there, air forward,

Rebecca 58:02

Wow, that's so powerful.

Leah 58:04

I know, and I've been

Rebecca 58:06

Do you have anything, do you have any like thing that you would want to say to maybe another woman who might have been in a similar situation to you before we began working together? What advice would you give her? What do you want her to know?

Leah 58:25

What I do want her to know is I trust your gut, trust your instinct.

Rebecca 58:33

Hmm. Everything.

Leah 58:35

best, despite what people have been telling you that you don't know anything and your opinion is not valued and your opinion means jack shit, or I don't know, whatever someone ever said, your opinion matters. You matter, and normally, usually you're right. Your instinct is right. It's correct. You know best, what's good for you and follow it. No matter where it takes you, follow it. If it's out of a relationship, if it's to a new relationship, if it's to a heck of a ride, heck of a journey. Trust it.

Rebecca 59:26

right.

Leah 59:27

your gut.

Rebecca 59:27

Even during the times when it feels so uncertain. And you're not sure what the result of trusting your instinct will be. Leaning into it even more is really, really important and powerful. And otherwise we, we lose ourselves and

Leah 59:48

Exactly.

Rebecca 59:49

all the messages and opinions of others and

Leah 59:52

lose yourself.

Rebecca 59:54

we can't do that.

Leah 59:54

And nothing is worth it. Absolutely no one and nothing

Rebecca 1:00:01

that is words of wisdom.

Leah 1:00:06

Word.

Rebecca 1:00:06

thank you so much for coming on here. You're just amazing. Such an incredible person.

Leah 1:00:17

a ee beanie beany beanie bit of, well, inspiration is a big word, but, um, I hope that whoever, wherever needs to hear this, it will reach them and they'll make the right decision no matter that means. I truly hope that it will give some guidance,

Rebecca 1:00:43

Oh.

Leah 1:00:44

hope, whatever you need.

Rebecca 1:00:49

Amen, Amen to that perfect way to end. Thank you so much.

Leah 1:00:55

you.