Why We Compare: To Other Women and To Ourselves

In this episode, we’re talking about why we compare our bodies and how we can start to shift it. I break down what’s actually happening in the brain and nervous system when comparison kicks in, where it really comes from, and how this same instinct shows up when we compare ourselves to past versions of our own bodies. We’ll look at the research behind comparison, why it can feel so painful, and how you can begin to move out of comparison and into real confidence and safety in your body without trying to “fix” or change it.

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Transcript

Rebecca Sigala: 0:00

Hey, beautiful souls. We are back with the Body Image Revolution. For those of you who are jumping in for the first time, Hey, I'm Rebecca Sigala. I'm body confidence coach and boudoir photographer. I help women who are self-aware on their healing journeys. But still clashing with their inner critic and want to find a way to finally fully embrace their bodies and feel sexy and radiant and alive in them. Welcome everybody. Let's just get into it because today's episode is so relatable and important. I can't actually believe that I haven't done an episode on this yet. I know I've spoken about it a lot, but I never gave it this full attention that it truly deserves, and it really does truly deserve it because this is something that almost every woman faces. I don't think I've met a woman who hasn't struggled with this in her own way, and I've been doing this work for over 12 years, intimately working with thousands of women on their relationships with their bodies. So what I'm talking about is that feeling that arises in your body. It might be embarrassment or shame or heat or discomfort when comparison mode kicks in and you're thinking, oh wow, that woman really bounced back after birth. I still have haven't, it doesn't even look like she had a baby, or I wish my skin was as good as hers, or, she's so beautiful and confident. I'll never be that kind of woman. Or how come my sister has been able to lose weight and I haven't. It's all this internal dialogue that we're having with ourselves. These are things that you probably would not say out loud, but you're thinking in your mind. So it could feel like that, or maybe it feels neutral. Even like you're just comparing yourself to other people in the room, like, oh, this person has a different hair color, or a different body type, but it doesn't feel emotionally charged, or it could even feel positive. And you think that something about your appearance or your body is quote unquote better, and maybe you've thought in the past at least, I don't look like that. Which of course is not giving you real confidence, but it is understandable that your brain has gone there. It's human. We've been there. It's actually called something, it's called downward comparison. When you compare to someone that you perceive as worse off and it can temporarily feel better, but it doesn't give you unwavering body confidence. It doesn't promote long-term self-worth or belonging, which is what we really want. Most of the time, comparison isn't neutral and it doesn't feel positive. It's just really fucking shitty and it's everywhere, and it comes up a lot. It comes up in all aspects of our lives. It could come up when you are scrolling social media or Instagram and you see someone on vacation in their bikini or filtered highlights of somebody else's life. Even if you know things are filtered and edited, you're still seeing these images of other women and possibly comparing yourself or when you go to a community event or a networking event or any kind of social gathering. I also really see it in two places a lot. I don't know if more so, but it's something that has come up a lot recently is that my clients have been experiencing comparison with their family and their close friends, which makes a lot of sense because these are people that we really relate to, we might even have similar genetics to, and it's very easy to compare ourselves to that. And then the second one is with past versions of themselves, and that's a really big one because even when you've done a lot of the work to focus on yourself and your own healing and perhaps not compare yourself as much anymore, this past body, this past you, can easily still become this goalpost or this thing that you're lacking, that you no longer have and that you still want. And I just need to say this, this is not your fault. It's not because you're shallow and it didn't even start because you were insecure about your body. It's biological. Your brain is wired to compare, and your nervous system responds as if your life is at stake. Humans are tribal, so your brain learned to scan people around you and ask, where do I fit in? Am I safe here? Do I belong? For thousands of years, being excluded from the tribe meant death. So your body learned very early on if my body isn't enough, if I don't fit in, if I don't belong here, I'm not really safe. And then in addition to that, the culture that we grew up in reinforces that message every single day. That message that you need to fit in, that you need to look a certain way, that your worth is tied to your size and your desirability, and you need to fit into the beauty standards. All of that comes up every day and everywhere. So it makes sense that you are comparing and in a way, comparison has served you. It helped you survive, but now you, if you want to, you get to choose something completely different. I love what Brene Brown says about belonging. She says that true belonging does not require you to change who you are. It requires you to be who you are. There is a huge, massive difference between fitting in. Trying to shapeshift and people please and curate parts of yourself so that people will like you more. And belonging, which means you have to belong to yourself first. Because think about it, you can only truly belong somewhere if you're being yourself. Otherwise, it's just fitting in. So something that I do want to dive into a little bit deeper today is this idea of comparing our bodies to past versions of ourselves, because this is very real and I see it all the time. And it's just as damaging as comparing to other people. There's actually research that shows that when we compare ourselves to other people, the same brain pathways light up as when we evaluate ourselves. That means that you could look at an old photo of yourself and think, I used to look better. I wish I looked like that. And your brain treats that comparison in the exact same way as it treats comparing yourself to another woman. That's why comparing yourself to your past self feels terrible. Your brain really doesn't care whether it's another woman on Instagram or in a photo on a beach in Greece, or it's a picture of yourself from 2018. The thing is, is it's not only grieving your body changes, perhaps being smaller or your younger face or whatever you're focusing on, it's grieving that belonging, you believed that version of you might have had or that you could have if you looked like that now. But here's what I don't hear a lot of people talking about, and I want you to think about this for yourself. If you actually went back to how you felt in your body at that time, like think about a time when perhaps you're telling yourself now that you looked better or your body was more beautiful, or whatever the narrative may be, go back to that time. And think about how you actually felt in your body. Most of the time the feelings were similar. Similar self-doubt, similar pressure to be smaller, similar disconnect from your body, that same sneaky belief that you're not enough no matter what. And sometimes you even felt worse in your body back then, maybe more obsessed, more critical, more desperate to change because you've definitely been on a healing journey since then and it's improved even if you're still battling with your inner critics sometimes. So that older version of yourself wanted the same thing as you do now, confidence and self love. But if you're really honest with yourself, the external things, your appearance never gave you that unconditional confidence and self-love. It was very conditional based on how you looked at the time or what was going on in your life, right? And now changing your body or losing weight isn't gonna give that to you either. So if you're looking back on these images of yourself and remember still being critical of your body, wanting to lose more weight, or maybe just tone up a little bit more, that was always the story in my mind. It was like, okay, I just wanna lose a little bit more, just tone up a little bit more. There's a bunch of beauty things on my list. It was always never ending, but if you're doing that, it actually shows that there was never anything wrong with your body. it's how you're perceiving it. And when you perceive and judge yourself against these beauty standards that we've been given, it's 1000000% going to impact your body image and your self-esteem. At first it's biological, but then it becomes this cycle of not loving your body and continuing to compare yourself because you've never really felt that full safety in your body. Comparison does not create that belonging that you deeply long for and deserve. It creates a performance chasing your worth instead of actually feeling worthy. It's this narrative of you'll belong when X, Y, Z, and never lets you feel okay now. And that's why this matters. It's not about how other people are perceiving your confidence. It's not, so you walk in the room and radiate with confidence. It's actually about you and your internal world. Because when your worth is tied to how other people see you or how you might think they see you. You start to live small, not just in your body, but in your voice, your relationships, your pleasure, your dreams. The work here is not to completely shut down comparison because it's true that those thoughts could come up from time to time, even when you've more fully embraced your body. The work here is to give your nervous system and your body the safety that it's been begging for so you can belong in your body and in yourself today, not if or when. You don't earn this belonging by changing your body. That's just fitting in. Belonging is being you. The real, authentic, beautiful you without needing to change or fix yourself in order to be accepted. And this is also where those feelings of jealousy and envy show up. You might have already felt that in your body as you're listening to this episode. We all know what that feels like. I have to bring up Brene Brown again because she talks about the difference between jealousy and envy, and we often get it mixed up. So jealousy is when we fear losing a relationship or a valued part of a relationship that we already have. And that's usually between three people, right? Like someone else is connecting more with someone who you're really close with and you feel that jealousy, you're like, oh no, my connection's being lost here. But then envy is different. It's between two people, jealousy is between three. It's about wanting something that somebody else has. So that's really what we're talking about here is envy. This language matters because when we can identify what's really going on with us and have that awareness, then we're able to more efficiently address it and move through it. 90% of envy can be attributed to either attraction, which is physical attractiveness, romantic attraction, popularity, or competence, or wealth. So girl, you are not alone in this comparison game. It's very common and it's very human. It's not a failure. It's simply information about yourself and where you're at right now. I've seen a lot of posts in the coaching world say that envy isn't bad, that it's human, which I a hundred percent agree with. And then they say, take that envy, or they probably say jealousy and use it as fuel to go after what you really want. So that's cool, and I understand that to some extent. But when it comes to your body, it does not work like that. You can't just achieve somebody else's body. You can't become their face, their skin, their hips, their whatever it might be, right? Unless you're gonna spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on plastic surgery, and even still, you'll never look exactly like somebody else. And I'm guessing if you're listening to this podcast, that's not exactly where you're being guided right now. Your body is divinely created, uniquely made just for you on purpose. you're not meant to be a copy of somebody else, so I would never coach my clients to use envy to go towards somebody else's appearance or their body composition. That's extremely detrimental and does not give you what you're actually looking for. We get curious. We ask, what's that feeling that's underneath what it's trying to tell you. We listen, and then you get to give yourself what you need. That belonging, safety, love, and confidence that you think maybe. This other body or this past version of yourself would give you, but we do it from the inside, not from this brain spiral of comparing or shaming or shrinking yourself. And the goal might not be to never compare again. The goal is to know what to do with it, when it does come up, to shift it more quickly, to stop making it mean something about you or your worth. And I can tell you honestly at this point in my life, I really don't compare my body to other people. It doesn't even make sense in my mind. Each body is its own world, its own universe, its own vessel. We're all beautiful in our own ways. And when you feel that, like when you know that deep in your bones, you stop comparing. And that's exactly what we do in The New Sexy. So many women start before The New Sexy, you know, walking into rooms or hopping on a zoom or going to a family gathering with people who have similar bodies or looking back at old photos, and that comparison is still there, even though they've come so far. They still have that brain chatter, that internal dialogue. It doesn't necessarily stop them from going to those places or doing those things, but it takes up so much brain space. So they have that brain chatter and then as they go through The New Sexy, they learn how to deepen their relationship with their body, to have a dialogue with their body and their wisdom to feel safe at home and truly loving and accepting themselves as they are. That's the work. That's the whole point. So if you're listening to this and this is something that comes up for you, please, please, please, please give yourself compassion. It just means that you're human and you want to belong. And if you want support with this head to the show notes. The New Sexy is here. I am taking applications. I have eight spots for women joining this December. This is for you if you're a self-aware woman. If you're on your healing journey, you're ready to just let go of this societal bullshit and finally belong to yourself. for you, for your relationships, for your pleasure, for your work, and honestly for everyone around you and the world at large. I hope this has been helpful. I hope that you are giving yourself a lot of love and compassion and know that it's okay to be exactly where you are right now. That's the first step of The New Sexy method is meet yourself exactly where you are, and hopefully you did a little bit of that today. Take care of my loves. See you soon.