From Yelling to Connection: Tips for Building Strong Relationships with your Kids- Sapna Rad

On this episode of Life Beats with Sirisha Kuchimanchi speaks with Sapna Radhakrishnan, a conscious parenting and life coach, about the challenges and emotional journey of conscious parenting. The conversation centers around reducing yelling, creating resilient children, and removing guilt from the parenting experience. They discuss building connections with children, the importance of listening and talking to them, and giving them the freedom to choose their own paths. Listeners can call in with questions and the conversation emphasizes the need to adapt parenting styles as children grow and evolve. Additionally, the societal paradigms that influence parenting and the myth of raising successful children are debunked. Through personal stories and practical advice, parents are encouraged to create stronger relationships with their children and raise them to be resilient individuals.

Sapna Radhakrishnan is an expert in conscious parenting, teaching parents how to take responsibility for their own emotional baggage before raising their children. She believes that parental ego can negatively impact children and encourages parents to focus on connection instead of correction. Through her teachings, parents learn how to unpack their own issues and create stronger bonds with their children.

You can buy Sapna Radhakrishnan:  Yelling to Zenning: How Transforming Ourselves leads to Raising Conscious and Resilient Children

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Transcript

0:02

Hello and welcome to Life Beats with Sirisha on Radio Caravan 1 0 4 0.1 FM and 700 am It's a beautiful Thursday at two. This is the time slot for the new show. This is your host, Sirisha Kuchimanchi. I am an entrepreneur, a podcast host, and a former tech Kier. I host the podcast Women Career and Life. W O M E n c a r e r, and life, you can find it on any of your favorite podcast platforms. It's a top 30% Spotify podcast where I share stories and advice to achieve your career and financial goals. I also own a global platform for South Asian women. It's a community you can join, you can find it on Sajita Circle O. It's spelled S A H I T A circle. So I hope to see you online as we this is a community focused for South Asian women to achieve their career and financial empowerment. So I hope to see you online. Today I'm really excited to have Sna Radda Krishna. She is a conscious parenting and life coach, and she's an N L P trainer. And SNA actually has just written the book, a transformational book called Yelling to Zenning. How transforming ourselves leads to raising conscious and resilient children. This is a topic, we were chatting about it just a little bit ago. It's something that resonates with me and probably a lot of people. You know, no matter which stage of the parenting journey you are on, or you're thinking of embarking on this journey. Because it's about not feeling guilt, which probably many of us experience. I know I do have it from time to time. Parenting journey can be kind of, learning, can be kind of frustrating. A lot of emotions that are tied to it. And often as I tell my children it's on the job training. I do not have any training classes I've gone to before this. I'm practicing on them. So there has to be some leeway on that. So up now. Welcome, so glad to have you here. Thank you. Thank you so much for having Mehi. Thank you so much for having Mehi. Thank you. Yeah, I hope you can all hear us on the airwaves as well as we speak to it. And so sna, I wanted you to describe what do you mean by conscious parenting? Conscious parenting is when the parent takes the onus of raising themselves first. You see, all of us and parents especially, have this thing called parental ego, which we impose. Impose on our children, which is not the children's two bears. So the parent takes the onus of us raising themselves before they can raise their children. So they look into their own baggage, their own past that is messing up this connection with their children. And we clean up those areas. So they have, they're more connected and they focus on connection before they can correct their children. If any of you were listening to Simons. Talk just before this, especially around the children and the connection with the children. I think it resonated. We walked into the studio as she was talking about it. You know what you're saying? Strikes a chord. I have one who's going to go after college soon, and I think that's something that, you know, that's a transformational phase that this comes into play, right? More often than not many people might have. If you talk to enough friends and others, they often experienced this, oh, our parents told us to do this, so that's why we are in this. Path we are on, but we have, we may not have had thought about it or even, you know, gone through that transition process. So I think what you're talking about is giving some freedom of choice of letting the child decide what they want to do and what they want to pursue along with not just putting our. Ideas and thoughts completely on them and laying it on them right of go figure out everything else is. Is that part of what the discussion is as well? Yes. We have to become aware of our stuff first before we can decide whether to put it on them or not. But we are in this automated mode, you see. We just take what we are, what we have been told, or what the culture tells us, which is you have the power as a parent, you have unmitigated. You know, unabashed power over your children. You are supposed to. We are, as parents, we have been told you have to control your children. You have to raise happy children. So this is the midst we debunk in conscious parenting where we have been told that we raise happy children, conscious sorry, successful children. And when that does not happen, the parent is allowed to control the child. You know, emotions. Instead of looking at what emotions is, none of us have been taught this. And I'm still learning as an adult what emotions are, how it shows up in anybody, how we allow boys to go through. I have a boy, and it was new to me, that you allow kids to cry. That was something very new to me. Because we have been told boys are supposed to be tough. They are supposed to suck it all up. They are supposed to be these heroes and protectors, which is a part of their genes as well. But then crying is seen as something very girlish, you know? Yeah. Label is something. Yeah. So those are some of the cultural paradigms. We are, we have bought into and unconsciously we place these onto our children and they pick it up where they are absorbent. And they pick up all this. So it is mostly looking into these paradigms that we have been brought into, and those paradigms are not just coming from us, right? They're coming from people around them and everything else. By the way, the phone lines are open. You can choose to call in. The number is(214) 817-3333. We are here talking about conscious parenting, about raising resilient children, and I think also parental guilt, which sort of threads under this. If you're not feeling that. I'm kudos to you, but I think I struggle with it quite a bit. Especially when you said happy and successful children. What is the definition? Right? That's the thing. Who defines happy and successful children in each person or each? In some ways the society has a definition of it and. The definition of the child's happy and success might be different from what we envision as happy and successful for them. And I think that is the tussle that we are struggling with when we are trying to do this. So I guess let's get to a practical question in a sense. So you have teenagers, as do I teenager. Teenagers are going through puberty, they're going through emotions, hormonal changes, so much change. How can you differentiate with just the teenage emotion and separated from anything else they might be going through and what you are seeing? Like how do you adjust with that? I. First is to empathize with them that yes, they're going through some changes, physical changes, environmental changes, they're going through school, the bodies are changing. Things around them are changing. Yes, empathy helps a lot when they turn into teenagers. Giving them space helps a lot, and instead of guessing, the best way to know is to ask them. To have those conversations. Not in the moment, but taking the break. Okay. Looks like you're going through something, but we'll circle back. And having those conversations and welcoming them is the best way rather than bringing up our own stories. And what usually happens is we take things personally when a child comes back from school tired or exhausted or whatever is going on, and they say, I don't wanna talk to you anymore. We take it personally, oh, don't you de do this to me, or You were disrespecting me and we put on all these stuff on that, and child is just expressing themself. Maybe they don't have their words, but parents tend to personalize their expression and we try to bog down on them. So that's important that we don't take it personally and have this conversation, give them space and ask them what's going on with you? Is it just your teenage stuff or is something else Very true. Because oftentimes we sh we struggle with that, right? When the child comes home, you try to understand what is it they're going through. And I think the other thing that sort of intersects for me that is challenging now is post covid. There's so much mental health challenges that children face. And I think as parents, you know what I hear from the school? We get emails, you know, children are struggling generally. Like where do you separate what the child is going through as part of normal teenage changes and where they might be facing other challenges that they're struggling with. Right? Like where do you figure that peace out? It starts with attuning to your child, meaning we remove our stuff out of the way so we can see the child for who it is they are. You see, when we are brains especially have these meaning making machines. So let's say you walk in on your child, just hide from school. You have to catch. What stories are you making up about that? Is much child lazy or you know, like I got a email from school regarding some mental health issues of from my son's school. Immediately my mind went there. Is he going through something? What's happening there? So we jump into conclusions in our mind without acknowledging what the reality is for all you know, the child is just tired. So connecting attuning and can you see the changes? Has there been changes in their sleep patterns, in their eating patterns in, are they constantly upset? Now that could be a red flag. Are they constantly tired? That could be a red flag is a one time thing. Is your ch are you noticing some changes in their sleep patterns? Talk. Talking to their child teacher helps. Is something going on. But the best thing is talk to your child. Yeah. Hard to do sometimes, especially as parents of teenagers, you know, as you're trying to process what's going on and what to do and how to speak to them, it's kind of hard. It. So it starts early before they become teenagers. Constant repeated over and over. When you connect. Then you leave those space, those doors open. When we are constantly putting connection over, correcting them, you leave those wires between you and your child open. That's where conscious parenting comes in, where you're constantly focusing on the connection part. So during these times, That's when you tap into those connections and you ask them what's going on with you? So it happens way before, right, and true. I like what you said, connection before correction. I think that's like a court in a way. Think about it when you're having a conversation, but I think if you have teenagers, And if your parents of teenagers, as said, you build these connections early, but I don't think it's ever too late. You know, you can still open those doors. Spending time with them, listening to them, talking to them, and actually just listening. I find that my best conversations happen with the child when I'm in a car with them when I'm driving because as even when they were younger, it just leads your less, more relaxed atmosphere. You're not face to face eye contact. So it's not. You know, like somewhat connected, but also intimidating in a way, so you're not struggling with that piece, and it leads. You have to be careful to leave the question open-ended and not expect a response. In 30 seconds, you take three minutes. It may take some prodding. Sometimes you may not get a response. You know, it's that phase of it. But we've been talking about teenagers. There are probably a lot of people listening. You can call in if you have questions. I hope you can hear us very clearly on the airwaves. The number is 2 1 4 8 1 7 3 3 3 3. You can hear me on your headphones as well. Also, So we are talking about with SNA Krishnan. She's an NP trainer. She's a conscious parenting coach and life trainer. She's written the book from yelling to Zenning. If you're listening, this is Live Beats with Cerisha on Radio Caran 1 0 4 0.1 fm, and 700 am I host the podcast, women Career and Life. And I also have a South Asian global platform for South Asian women for career and financial empowerment, which you can join. It is Sajita Circle. So we've been talking with SNA about conscious parenting, especially around teenagers, but I wanna step, because you said the connection before correction, you know, something for you to remember. When we are going through those tough conversations with our children, how do you do, when do you start? Let's walk through the different stages in life, like when you are. Have an infant, a toddler, because they're going through those terrible tools, you know? Very exhausting. Yes. Kind of fun, but a lot of work. Yeah. Yes. The key is to remember what is important as young mothers. I see lot of mothers who have taken up so much on them you need to make healthy dinners. You have to look a certain way. You have, your child has to be well behaved. So when we buy into this, When the child has a tantrum, we feel like failures as if we are doing something wrong, and what the child is actually is doing is being in the moment, experiencing their big emotions and they don't have words to express it. So when they're having these big emotions and throwing a tantrum, the parents feel a lot of, you know, guilt and they feel embarrassed, like even in a big. Let's say a supermarket, they get very embarrassed rather than allowing the child to just have, I know it's hard in a public place, but taking them out, there are so many choices. You know, you can take them out, you can have a conversation before, and if you have seen this as a pattern, the big spaces scare them. You can have a tool, like a toy that they can feel comfortable with. Having those conversations, but that does not happen. If we are triggered ourselves, then those triggers take over us and we get stuck in a pattern, which is we get scared, we tell the child to shut up or we punish the child. You know, all those things happen and we are in the loop. Stuck day after day and having the same thing, yelling at them as teenagers, you know, let's go up, let's say a preteen. You ask them to do dish the dishwashers or clean up their room, they're not doing. Then you raise their voice. Then you start yelling and screaming at that time. If they're doing it, like parents tell me, but they don't do it until I yell at them. I tell them, you have cured them for the yelling that. Nothing serious until my parents starts yelling. Okay. It's a condition behavior that's the trigger point for them. Rather than, Hey, you know, whatever, we come, go ahead and clean it. You know? I'll give you like a, I started to do this kind of work or something. I would instead, because I would trigger action, like you said, I started to give them like a time or ask them saying, okay, if you don't wanna do it now, gimme your time and you wanna finish it by, or shall we say four hours or something? It takes, I'm not saying it's always successful, let's be clear here, but it does change the order of conversation and open the door rather than me saying, oh, do it now or do it now. And Exactly. And the important thing to remember is children are still growing until the age of 18. The brain is developing. And there is a time gap between an adult and a child. Children are in the present movement, they're absorbed, they're curious, they are in flow. And parents, we are adults. We are either in the past or in the future trying to rush our children to get somewhere or we are thinking about something. So that's where there's a gap in the time space. So we have to. Come to their time space and you know, repeatedly remind them. Put yourself there physically in front of them. Okay, wrap it up. Wrap it up. Let's get this done. And it takes a lot. Parents have a lot to do, so prioritize. Sometimes a dirty room is better. And you know, talking your child about your home, about their homework may be more important than a clean room. So prioritize, let some things go. And let focus on few things, but we parents, because we are bought into this culture where the house has to be cleaner, dinner has to be healthy. You have to look a certain way. Your children have to be awesome in education. They must be good in sports. So much pressure. No. Yeah. I think that's what gets to feeling like that. Right? I, it sometimes I reflect and say, I, I don't think I've asked my parents this conversation, but what did they feel like? Because we were all out of the house. It was a different time and place. I totally get that. They probably had their own concerns, but I wonder if it was anything like that. This what you're talking about almost is a strive for perfection. Perfection and everything. Right. You, your ecosystem, all the people in touch with you everywhere and. It doesn't exist, but we talk ourselves into building this ideal universe. Yeah. And when you peel down the perfections, you will see the conditioning, you will see your fears. And that's where conscious parenting comes in, because it's a summation, it's a mixing of Eastern. You know it's Eastern philosophy, like the mindfulness part and the western psychology. So you understand your child's psychology, like you were saying, which part is the teenage stuff and which is not. You'll start understanding psychology. You learn communication skills. You will learn the tools. You learn pro boundaries. Again, another question parents ask me, so is conscious parenting about letting children do whatever they want? No. You learn boundaries. How to place the boundaries and how to hold them constantly, have to hold them. So these are some of the tools you learn in conscious parenting, and I think conscious parenting, as you said, is about boundaries and about communication, right? It's about not the yelling. How often do you yell at a child, you know? That's how my journey into conscious parenting started because I was a yeller, I would yell and my child started becoming very scared of me. Instead of coming to me, he started getting scared. Like I shared the story in my book, yelling to. Zen is like one time at the age of I think three or four when he was getting potty trained. I was panicking each time he was having an accident. You know, I would take him out and he would have an accident and I would panic and have, I would turn into some kind of a monster, like how he tend to tell you to do this, blah, blah, blah, blah. And one time I finished my work and I was looking for him. It was very quiet in the house. I saw that he was in the restroom. Trying to clean up after him because he was so scared to come to me. My, I was like, oh my God, my child is still learning about his body. He's truly trying to learn about, what he can do and what he cannot. And he's actually scared he should be coming to me. So that was one aha moment for me, and that led me into doing this work, self work. And this is what I teach. You know, mothers now. I won't say that. I don't yell at all, but the gap has become large. I don't remember when was the last time I yelled and the frequency is furthermore than other. Before I would yell every day. Now it would. I hardly remember when was the last time I yelled. That's good if you can't remember when the last time was. Right. And even when I yell my child, because of the psychology part of it, he knows it's me. It's not him. So he doesn't personalize it. He knows, okay, mom is having a hard day. It's not about me because the, like I said, the mind is a meaning-making machine. It's very easy for children to say, I think I upset my mom. Something is wrong with me. Rather than saying, my mom or my parent is tired. It's very difficult for parent children to do. They take it upon themselves and which affects their self esteem in the wrong one. Yeah, because I, as you're saying, you're developing habits, how they behave, how they process, how they think of themselves, the self-confidence, the self-esteem as they're developing. We have about five minutes as this show gets wrapped up. You can call for any questions to us, sna, unconscious parenting. The numbers is 2 1 4, 8, 1 7, 3 3, 3, 3, and we've been talking about. Teenage you know, changes. We've been talking about how to connect with them when they're young and continue to do, and I can remember instances like that, that have made me make conscious decisions. It's still a constant learning process of course you are learning with your child. Right? It's very much like on the job training. Because they are evolving as people as they go through various stages. You are changing but not properly as rapidly as them, and. We've all learned our parenting styles and invite them from how we absorb them as children. So I have this instance because, I think here, and I think in India also, it's changed a lot now, but you know, a lot of kids are given choices and make decisions themselves. And I remember my friend's husband making this comment saying A three year old is asked more choices than I was asked 21 when I was going to college, what I wanted to do. He's like, how can you ask? But I think it makes them. Think I like the idea of that independence and freedom because if you're making mistakes, it's better also to give the opportunity to make them earlier. The consequences are lesser. Not that you can't make them later in life. But I think it makes them think for themselves rather than us overtake that thought process to make them think like us. Because I don't know if I, you know, I don't know everything and I'm learning from them and they are Giving their input. And I have to tell you, for those of you who have teenagers, you probably see this they are the hypocrisy police. That's what I call them. They will call you on it if they think you're being hypo. So critical. So yeah, totally. Yeah. The, and the key of conscious parent, like you said, they get to know themselves. You see how many times as women, we wear something and we look for answers. How do I look? We are looking outside as to what's happening outside, and we ask like 10 people. Is this looking good on me? But we are so disconnected from our own knowing, our own gut feeling, and the conscious parenting is handing the beon to our children to make their own choices, tapping to their own gut feeling, their own knowing. And from that comes with real power. We have resilience. And you raise conscious children and conscious children make the world a better place. They will never rob another of the, their consciousness of the other person's consciousness. So they're very self-aware is what you're saying? Okay. So how can people reach you? How can they learn more about what you do? Okay. They can reach me on my social media platforms, which is Coaching website, sna.com. I have courses and of course my book is on Amazing El to Zenning, and they can contact me any of these ways. Yeah if you've been listening to this radio show we've been talking about, yes. Essentially, conscious parenting with sna. That which is about reducing yelling, you know, aging resilient children. And I think also incredibly taking away the guilt of parenting. Sometimes I think as at a certain, at different stages, we feel different things when they're younger. You're like, oh, are they getting, like you said, body train? Are they reading at the right level? Am I knowing enough? Because you're, in some ways we tend to compare to other kids and not all kids are in the same stages. And boys and girls also develop differently if you have. You know, both, you see that very conscious difference when they're going through middle school. You know, the amount of classes they take. There's so many things and you can do this comparison thing, which really makes it robs you of the joy. So thinking about how to connect with your children and others is very important, and listening to them. Because I think that gives them, I, it to your point, not only does it raise resident today, I think it creates an ecosystem around them. And the relationships that they have are also stronger. So thank you for tuning in. This is Live Beats with Cerisha on Radio Caravan 1 0 4 0.1 FM at 700 am. This is your host Jiji. We are talking about conscious parenting. You can also tune into my podcast, women Career and Life, and learn about career and financial advice for women to achieve their career and life goals. It is also a global platform for South Asian women to work on career and financial empowerment. You can join the communities. Sajita circle, so it's spelled S A H I T A circle, c i r c l e. So next week I'll be having Sadaf Munshi. This should be an interesting topic. She's a linguist. We are going to talk about dying languages and what that means, and she studies South Asian languages. So I thought would be fascinating. Thank you SNA, for being here.