Saying No with Sara Mayer

“What if I don't say no? What if I say yes to everything, but I do it by connecting those people to others?” - Sara Mayer

Welcome to Imperfection In Progress, a podcast for ambitious women who are people pleasers, perfectionists, or procrastinators. Want to feel less stressed and more joy in your life? Then this is for you. I'm your host, Dawn Calvinisti.

Today I have the pleasure of speaking with Sara Mayer, the owner and creator of Sara Mayer Consulting.

We discuss how we can set boundaries around our time and energy especially with so many people asking something from us during the holiday season.

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Transcript

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Welcome to Imperfection in Progress, a podcast for ambitious women who are people-pleasers, perfectionists, or procrastinators. Want to feel less stress and more joy in your life? Then this is for you. I’m your host Dawn Calvinisti.

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

On today’s episode you’ll hear from Sara Mayer. Sara is the owner and creator of Sara Mayer Consulting. She serves as a fractional Chief Operations Officer and her team provides operational done-for-you services. 

Sara truly believes you can boldly achieve without working double-time and shares her expertise as the host of the Bold Goal Crusher Podcast, Book Club Founder, speaker, and consultant.

You can check her out at saramayer.com

Do you struggle with saying no? I know that I certainly have at times. Sara gives some great ways that we can say yes even when we’re saying no. Here’s our conversation.

[00:00:00] Dawn Calvinisti: I would like to introduce you to Sara Mayer. Sara and I have had a chance to work on one of my summits together, and I just really love the energy that she brings. You always just seem up and enthusiastic, so I'm expecting that from you today. Is that a bad thing? I'm putting an expectation on you Sara?

[00:00:16] Sara Mayer: No, it's great. I love it.

[00:00:19] Dawn Calvinisti: Welcome to the podcast, and I would love for us to be able to start with just a little bit about who do you love to, help? Where do you really find your zone of genius is when it comes to working with other people.

[00:00:33] Sara Mayer: Yeah, that's a great question and thank you for having me. I always love connecting with you and your audience and listeners. So my zone of genius really falls within tackling tough problems that seem impossible and connecting dots between things that seem unrelated. I truly feel like we can learn something from everyone and from everything.

And many times when I work with clients and people that I connect with, I'm pulling from things that seem totally unrelated and then able to help them in whatever problem they may be facing. 

So that's really my zone of genius.

[00:01:15] Dawn Calvinisti: I love when you say that it's about doing the impossible or what seems impossible because I think for a lot of people that's just where, and again, because we talk to people who are people pleasers and perfectionists and procrastinators, that's where often procrastination comes in and nothing moves forward, and yet sometimes you just need somebody who has an outside set of eyes to help you see how that can happen.

[00:01:36] Sara Mayer: And many times, we're trying to do things that other people have done before in some way. I mean, unless you're inventing the Post-it note or doing something like that. But most of the time somebody's done something similar. So it's really about how to find that connection, use what they've learned, and maybe take a quicker path.

Rather than giving up, I always like to call that quitters valley, like when things start to go not so good people tend to quit right before it's about to get really good.

[00:02:07] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, I totally agree. So we're gonna talk a little bit about, I think just end of year stuff. So if you're listening to this podcast when it actually releases, we're at the end of 2023. And I think one of the things that I would love to talk to you about and that we had discussed was just how often we take on everything at this time of year because we feel like we're obligated to, or there's traditions we're trying to uphold, or there's family that we feel we don't wanna let down, or our kids' teacher or whoever.

But we take on so much extra, it seems like at this time of year, or if we don't, we feel so guilty that we didn't, and we said no. 

[00:02:45] Sara Mayer: Yeah. 

[00:02:46] Dawn Calvinisti: So can we talk a little bit about how can we do this in a way, especially for my people pleasers that are listening in a way that we feel good, even if we do have to say no to people.

[00:02:57] Sara Mayer: Yeah, I think one of the big things that I'm really big on being intentional and reflection, and I think approaching this time of year, it's really important to take some time away, maybe find a little nook in your house or wherever, and to really journal or think about, How do you wanna experience this season?

What are the things that you want to be involved in? How do you wanna feel? And then maybe think about the things that don't contribute to that. So for example, maybe every year you slave in the kitchen for weeks putting on a dinner, and there are people out there in the catering business that want the business and you can support them instead.

And that doesn't bring you joy. So you can move that joy to somebody else. So I think it's important to be really intentional about what do you want the season to be about? What do you wanna feel? What do you wanna experience? Rather than just going through the motions and saying, well, we do this every year.

You know, that's the definition of insanity. So becoming intentional at the beginning is really important. And then, there's things that kind of come up and figuring out a way to decide do they fit into your plan for the season? Or not, and that's the key.

[00:04:19] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that. I think often we don't take the time out, right? We just go on remote and do what we always did, and we don't actually think about the fact that we didn't enjoy that, or it was very hectic or it felt like we were being run over by other people or whatever. And so I love that you're saying, first of all, just take the time and reflect on this.

[00:04:39] Sara Mayer: Yeah, and plan that out. And then many times opportunities come about during the holidays. And for anybody who's followed me for a long time, you know that I always felt guilty about saying no, because I know that there are many people out there that do need help or want somebody to help them with something.

It may be, you know, in my business it may be like a summit or something like that. And it took a lot of courage sometimes for them to even ask or approach, and I always felt bad saying no, even though I know that I should have said no. I don't know if anybody else feels that way, but I did. I'm sure lots of others did.

And one day I just had this epiphany and I was like, hey, you know what, if I don't say no, what if I say yes to everything, but I do it by connecting those people to others. So instead of saying no, I say, do you know who would be really great at that? Or do you know who's looking for an opportunity just like this?

And then I kind of connect them together and they're both happy and they go on their way. So that made me feel a little better. And I use that a lot during the holiday season because many times people get really excited. And I actually see a surge of motivation around the holidays December and especially New Year's, where people are really motivated and there's a lot of asks out there, but I simply cannot say yes to everything.

But it makes me feel better when I'm able to connect them to somebody else , who's looking for something very similar.

[00:06:15] Dawn Calvinisti: Okay. That is awesome. And I think it would feel good because you feel like you're still helping. And that's part of why we do say yes, we want to help. We do wanna be that helpful person.

[00:06:26] Sara Mayer: But it's also tapping into what other people are really looking for. So I try and when I make connections, ask like, hey, what are you looking to do in the next year? What are your goals? And then when those things come about, oh, they're looking to be a speaker. Well, I can't speak at this event, or I can't do that workshop, but I remember back to that conversation and say, but I know who'd be great for this. Let me connect you.

[00:06:52] Dawn Calvinisti: It's one of the things that I love about community and networking, and I think often, especially as entrepreneurs, we can get very isolated in our own little world and not remember the value of actually being a connector of actually putting ourselves out there, even if we're a little shy or whatever.

But being willing to go to a network meeting, being willing to have a coffee date over Zoom with somebody to be able to find out , how can I help you? And if I can't help you directly, what are you trying to do, like you were saying. So I think that is super important and we need to understand that that is valuable , to go out there and put ourselves out there.

[00:07:31] Sara Mayer: Yeah, absolutely. Networking, that word, I think it's , a bad rap. Sometimes people think about, you know, the old school days where you exchanged business cards and you went back to your office and they sat on your desk for a while and then eventually moved to the recycle bin. And that's not necessarily how it has to be.

You know, there's many times that we can connect and form very meaningful relationships and partnerships, but also it may be two years down the road before something comes about. And it's really just about being intentional about finding opportunities for others as well. And then I find that they tend to do that for you.

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[00:08:12] Dawn Calvinisti: So another thing. That I'm thinking as we're going through this time of year is for many people, I think knowing when we need to say no, knowing what are the things to say no to, putting boundaries in place, how do we start dissecting that? How do we start figuring out what is it that is working for me?

And I think really what works for the other person as well, right?

[00:08:37] Sara Mayer: Yeah. That goes back to really designing what you want your holiday season to be about it makes it so much more clear when somebody asks you to do something. If you've decided your holidays are gonna be about close friends and family doing activities, for example, you prefer activities to, whatever else, and you design those activities so that they bring you joy, maybe you're taking a vacation and you don't wanna work during that vacation. It makes it a lot easier to say no when somebody asks you for something and you can say, you know, I already have my whole week planned for that. That sounds like a great thing. I hope you enjoy whatever you're doing and I'll be thinking about you and you can feel good about that. 

It's harder when you haven't really thought about that. For example, I like to take a week off between Christmas and New Year's . There's a lot of stuff I need to get done to be able to do that. So I plan my entire month with all the stuff on my calendar packed so that when somebody says no, I truly know what is on my plate.

Or when somebody asks me, I truly know what's on my plate for that month. So I can say no. Sometimes what happens is we look at our calendar and we're like, oh, we're not really that busy, but we forget in order to put on that dinner, we have to go grocery shopping. We have to cook for two days. We have to bake the cookies, we need to get all the stuff ready, we have to clean the house. 

And so just putting on that one little dinner that's three hours is actually 20 hours worth of work. And if we put that on our calendar, we would know really quickly, oh, sorry, I can't say yes to this because I actually am really busy that week.

[00:10:26] Dawn Calvinisti: That's a good tip because I think a lot of times we just put the event, the 

thing, the final product.

[00:10:32] Sara Mayer: Yeah. It happens a lot with vacation too. People will plan where they're going, their flights, get their hotels, but they forget all the little things like get your hair done, your nails done, pack, do the laundry for the packing, take the dog to the kennel, whatever you need to do, and then they come back from vacation.

They need a vacation.

[00:10:52] Dawn Calvinisti: Right, right. So when it comes to again, just the whole idea behind wanting to make this time of year a time where, again, we're being intentional, we're clear on what we want it to feel like. We're at the point where we know when somebody asks us that we can do it or we can't and we're able to say no when we want to.

Are there things that we can do to make the guilt part a less, and again, we can say, well, because now I know I, I can't fit it in or because I know this is my intention. But you've mentioned that you dealt with guilt, I've dealt with guilt. What are some of the things that we can change in our own thought process?

[00:11:33] Sara Mayer: Yeah, there's really two ways to handle that. I mean, I feel like you're always gonna have this sense of either missing out or guilt, and, really it's about mindset and thinking about, you know, my intention truly is this, and I wanna come out of this season feeling refreshed, feeling joyous, feeling, whatever the word that you're using for the season.

Sometimes it's really about making a list of, these are the opportunities I said no to because I just couldn't fit it in. So that next year you can maybe connect on those things if they're seasonal or putting them in a place where you maybe have a little more freedom in your schedule, like you really wanna connect with that person.

But does it always have to be November, December? It could be March, April, or May, and plugging them into that schedule so that that could become the thing. That's how I deal with it a little bit, because sometimes it's guilt, but it's also fear of missing out or missing the connection with that specific person, but I just can't fit 'em in that timeframe.

[00:12:40] Dawn Calvinisti: That's a good tip. Now I know you have your own podcast. Can you tell us a little bit about it and what it is that you are doing over there?

[00:12:47] Sara Mayer: Yeah, that's a great question. I actually am launching another podcast, which is interesting in itself. So I have, my first podcast is The Bold Goal Crusher podcast, and we talk all things goals, how to crush your goals without letting life get in the way. Then one thing that's kind of sparked is that many of the people in my audience wanna make a lasting impact and create nonprofits or decide what their legacy is.

And so my second podcast is launching and it's called Impact Unleashed, and it's specifically for people who wanna make that big impact.

[00:13:22] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that you're doing a new podcast around that. That is fantastic. Part of the reason why I wanted to mention the Bold Goal Crusher is because for many of my listeners, you will love Sara's podcast. And again, this time of year is a great time of year if you are looking to set some new goals, if you're thinking about reflecting on past goals, if you want ideas of how other people are crushing their goals.

And so again, it's just a really good spot to go and kind of, listen through as this year is coming to a close. When we were talking about that, I know that you're giving us a freebie that kind of links to that really, it's called a goal reflection worksheet. Can you tell us a bit about how it can serve us?

[00:14:06] Sara Mayer: Yeah, that's a great question. So one of the things I noticed when working with clients and my community is that we tend to set goals at the beginning of the year. We're really excited, although you can set goals at any time and then life gets in the way. I don't know if that's ever happened to you, but it has happened to me and six months later, I'm no closer to the goal because that goal is so big and bold that it's sometimes easier just to check my email and go through life than to really think about that big thing. And what I realized is that when people regularly on a weekly basis reflect on their week from a place of positivity, not a place of negativity, they tend to make bigger and more steps towards their goals and achieve their goals at a higher rate.

When we tend to look at things from a negative perspective, like, well, I didn't do this and I didn't do that and I wasn't a good mom because I didn't have dinner on the table at this time or whatever, we tend to not take those big bold steps. So I developed a reflection worksheet that you can use weekly that really puts you in a place of positivity and a place of moving forward towards your goals.

[00:15:26] Dawn Calvinisti: That sounds perfect for this time of year especially. But you're right, like it's something we need to look at throughout the year and. Again, for all of you that are listening, often when you're wondering, should I be doing what I'm doing anymore or I'm not feeling the excitement about my goal anymore?

Sometimes it's because you didn't take time to reflect, or you're not taking the time to reflect because it's okay to change your mind. It's okay to you know, course correct. So by doing this on a weekly basis, it kind of first of all, keeps you more in the direction of your goal, but also lets you know if this isn't working anymore, you're not sticking in there for months for a reason that is not useful to you.

[00:16:05] Sara Mayer: Yeah. It also helps you plan your future week. Like, how do I wanna show up this week? Because many times we get off track and then it's difficult to get back on track. But it's really about thinking about and designing your week so that you can have better weeks and move forward with your progress.

[00:16:26] Dawn Calvinisti: And we all wanna feel good as we're going towards our goals, not just doing it to get it done. I think that that whole hustle mentality is so not the thing 

anymore. 

[00:16:36] Sara Mayer: I could talk about that for hours. Yeah.

[00:16:40] Dawn Calvinisti: Totally agreed. So I ask every single person, Sara, that comes to the podcast, do you resonate more with being a people pleaser, a perfectionist or a procrastinator?

[00:16:53] Sara Mayer: If you would've asked me this question like four years ago, I would've said a people pleaser. And then I changed that up by. Saying yes to everything. That really changed my whole, mentality and mindset. I think I would say a perfectionist. Uh, I think they're all related actually 'cause I think perfectionism leads to procrastination, but I would say a perfectionist. I like to put out really good stuff, and that has stopped me from achieving some of my goals because I've tried to make them perfect. And what I've realized now is that if I put it out there and continue to tweak it, it allows me to learn new skills and really build that muscle of moving forward and taking massive action. So that's a work in progress.

[00:17:45] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah. For all of us. I love hearing each person's perspective on where they're at, what they still kind of can feel in there. And there's benefits to them as well. Like you were saying, you like to do things well. That's a good side of being a perfectionist. There's nothing wrong with wanting to do things well.

[00:18:01] Sara Mayer: Yep.

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[00:18:02] Dawn Calvinisti: So the last thing I wanted to ask you is if people are trying to find you, they don't wanna head over to my show notes right now, but I'm telling you, you wanna get there for the freebie, you wanna get there to get the contact info to be able to connect in with Sara. But if somebody just wants to check you out right now, what's the best place for them to connect with you?

[00:18:19] Sara Mayer: I'd like to keep things really simple. So Sara Mayer, m a y e r, like John, not Oscar. So saramayer.com and that's also where you can find me on all the socials as well.

[00:18:33] Dawn Calvinisti: Perfect. So make sure that you connect in with Sara. Again, check on her podcast. Go and see her website. Grab her freebie for sure. Especially, again, it doesn't matter what time of year. It's always great to take a look at your goals and see if you're where you want to be. So thank you, Sara. I so appreciate that you're here and sharing with us, and especially that you were willing to share with us the fact that you've also struggled with some of these things, 

and you know, not saying no and setting those boundaries.

Thank you.

[00:19:01] Sara Mayer: Yeah. Thank you so much. It's always great to connect with you. I just love what you're doing. You are a rockstar. 

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Thanks for listening to today's show. If you found value in what you heard, please share it with a friend and rate and review us on whatever platform you listen on. It really helps get us out to other women who could benefit from listening. 

Check out our show notes for details from the show and to connect with me or our guests. Want to continue the conversation? My website is www.pursueprogress.com or DM me @pursueprogresswithdawn on Instagram. 

Until next week, pursue progress no matter how imperfectly.

CONNECT WITH DAWN:

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Instagram
Tiktok
YouTube
Imperfection in Progress Podcast
Grab your 200 Affirmations for the 3 P’s here

CONNECT WITH SARA:

Website
Facebook
Instagram
YouTube
Free Gift

OTHER RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS PODCAST:

Umbrella Virtual Solutions
Book Your Free 30 Minute Strategy Call with the host, Dawn Calvinisti