Learning to Be Resilient with Violetta Znorkowski

“Resilience, I think, is one of those things that is a bit misconstrued, especially amongst high achievers. We're so used to pushing, pushing, pushing without stopping to consider the impact it's actually having on our mental, emotional, and physical health.” - Violetta Znorkowski
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Transcript

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Welcome to Imperfection in Progress, a podcast for ambitious women who are people-pleasers, perfectionists, or procrastinators. Want to feel less stress and more joy in your life? Then this is for you. I’m your host Dawn Calvinisti.

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Today’s guest is Violetta Znorkowski. Violetta is the Founder and Facilitator at Expand and Impact, a School of Emotional Mastery and Embodied Self-Leadership dedicated to guiding goal-driven women to succeed, grow and heal sustainably so that they can have the impact and inner peace they desire. With over 10 years of experience and an international career teaching self-leadership and emotional resilience especially during times of stress, uncertainty and adversity, Violetta is passionate about guiding others to safely explore their connection to self, others and the world around them. 

Violetta is a trauma-trained holistic counselor and uses an integrated approach to self-work by incorporating the latest in neuroscience and brain-body based practices. She believes that self-inquiry is the gateway to generational change where women use their voice with confidence, feel emotionally grounded, and have fulfilling relationships without sacrificing their wellbeing or goals. When Violetta is not facilitating internal transformations for external success, she is likely climbing up or snowboarding down mountains or planning her next adventure.

We discuss how to cultivate more sustainable joy, energy and calm, especially during stressful and busy times. Violetta shares so many helpful ways that we can incorporate peace into our life. Here’s our conversation.

[00:00:00] Dawn Calvinisti: I'd love to introduce you to Violet Znorkowski today, and this conversation that's about to happen I think is really crucial at this time of year because of the fact that we often get into our own heads about trying to finish everything off. So Violet, thank you for coming on the podcast.

[00:00:18] Violetta Znorkowski: Thank you so much for having me. I'm really excited to dive into the topic of today.

[00:00:24] Dawn Calvinisti: So tell us a little bit more about who you are and why you serve who you serve.

[00:00:30] Violetta Znorkowski: So my name is Violetta. You're more than welcome to call me Violet and I have been where the ladies, the audience has been. I consider myself to be really ambitious, really driven, and that has served me so well in my life because it's gotten me to where I am. Just like it's gotten you to where you are.

And there's always the shadow aspect of that, of how it's also taken away when left unquestioned. So for me personally, I used to work in outdoor and experiential education. So it's a very little known industry, but I was lucky enough that my career took me all over the world and I was working and leading and educating in developing world countries for about a decade.

And that was very beautiful. Very much recognized the privilege, and also it was a really interesting polarity to hold of being in countries where women have very few rights. Also noticing the gender gap in my own industry and how that impacted my emotional state, how I felt and how, and I guess the motivations that drove me.

So I have a long story of how that led to a burnout, a massive burnout, and a big pivot in my life. And that pivot is what I do today. So I am the founder and facilitator of Expand and Impact, and that is a school of emotional mastery and embodied self-leadership for driven women like us. Female professionals, female leaders, to learn the skills that we're not taught in school, but that deeply shape how we feel about ourselves, how we feel about the world, our work, and how we're able to stay connected, especially during times of stress and adversity.

Instead of leaning away or getting absorbed in the endless thoughts that many of us experience, or these perfectionist tendencies, people pleasing tendencies like we'll be talking about today. So I'm really excited to dive in, but that's, that's a little bit about me.

[00:02:35] Dawn Calvinisti: I love that you have an experience in your background that really caused you to pivot, to turn to, to do something about what you were seeing. And I think that often is what drives women and, and people in general to create something is that that need and that growth that they themselves experience. So to hear that you also have created something outta that is just absolutely awesome. And I commend you for that because it's necessary.

[00:03:00] Violetta Znorkowski: Yeah, absolutely necessary. And also, how lucky are we that we are able to channel our frustrations into something more productive? And it definitely is a skill to learn. Resilience, I think, is one of those things that is a bit misconstrued, especially amongst high achievers. We're so used to pushing, pushing, pushing without stopping to consider the impact it's actually having on our mental, emotional, and physical health.

And when we can redefine success, when we can redefine what resilience is and how we want leadership to look and feel that's when we open ourselves to endless possibilities in our career, in our relationships, and really cultivate, lasting and deeper states of connection and joy and ease in our life without losing productivity, without compromising our big goals, because that's important.

[00:03:54] Dawn Calvinisti: For all of the perfectionists out there. I mean, there's big dreams, big goals, big plans, and often the idea of, you know, taking it easier or making it easier on ourselves comes with the idea that you have to do less and therefore you're not going to get to where you wanna go as quickly. And that's really not true, but it's a hard thing to get your head around when you're perfectionist.

[00:04:15] Violetta Znorkowski: Yeah, and I would add to that. I couldn't agree more. I would add to that and say that trying to understand it with your cognitive intellectual brain is the reason why it's difficult to get on board with that idea. And if it were true that working hard and pushing yourself and hustling was the pathway to more ease and abundance and joy then there will be more happy, successful, and relaxed people in the world. But actually what I would invite in this conversation is the idea of less is actually more. We need to be able to slow down just enough. Doesn't need to be a tremendous amount that puts our system into a state of panic into a state of fight or flight, but slowing down just enough to see where we can potentially do one small thing differently a day where the way we are thinking, the way we are living, the way we are feeling actually isn't working for us and what we can do about it.

Because these deeper changes, the ones that really cultivate a lasting state from my personal experience and my professional experience, is really moving your experience through your physical body. Really sensing how your environment and how your internal state is impacting and driving you on a day-to-day basis, how it's motivating you and really working with the subtleties of that.

I think we get so caught up in our mind, and it's one of those things in society that's praised, you know, and it's like lead with your intellectual brain. How smart can you be? How productive can you be? And we tie our worth to it. We tie our worth to our productivity, but we can't like fix the same problem that was created with our thinking brain. We need to try a different way.

[00:06:02] Dawn Calvinisti: I absolutely agree with you, and I've said this before, but I'd love to hear your take on it. Often when we are doing our thing, we are on that hamster wheel. We are doing the daily grind, whatever it is that we think are the tasks that we need to get done for the day, to reach whatever that milestone is out there.

But the reality is, If something is not what's serving us best or what's going to move us forward best, we can't see that unless we actually do slow down and take time out in order to reassess and evaluate. And I think often that's what we miss and then get ourselves into a state of frustration, burnout, stress, all of that, and you know, never really get out of the daily grind in order to take a better look at what things are really, really doing.

[00:06:48] Violetta Znorkowski: Yeah, I, you said that you articulated that so beautifully, Dawn, and one of the things that I deeply work with and that I teach is working with the nervous system. And what that actually really deeply like, how it looks and impacts our life, how it impacts the quality of our thoughts, the quality of our emotional state.

And one thing that I can say is when you're used to speed and chaos, when you're used to being busy, it feels like such a threat to slow down. So it makes complete sense why that would be really uncomfortable and why that may even feel really boring at times. And also, It is absolutely the key ingredient to be able to create any type of change in life, professionally, personally, at least from the experience and the perspective of the nervous system and the way our brain works and perceives the world.

So I would say, with the idea of slowing down, we can do it in small doses. We can do it gently, slowly, and just to start to get curious about how we are experiencing the moment and is it really working for us?

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[00:08:05] Dawn Calvinisti: That's a really, really good question that again, taking some time out and asking and answering. Often we can find so many, so many little things that we didn't even recognize when we do take that time out and start asking some of the deeper questions. We said this about perfectionists, but often we can believe that whatever we're doing is the very best thing because it got us to where we are without recognizing that that doesn't get us to the next level.

And so we are again, like you were saying, uncomfortable to make that switch or that change because it is what we know and it is what we're comfortable with. I have a question for you because of a word that you used. So when you say the word resilience, I would love for you to define that more for us.

What does that look like?

[00:08:51] Violetta Znorkowski: I love this question and I may need a second to decide how I want to answer it, and there are two ways I would like to take it. Firstly, perhaps how we've misconstrued resilience. How we can redefine it for ourselves so that it actually benefits us. So what I've noticed among, like within myself, my own journey and also the women that I work with is a really strong attachment to resilience.

Being a bit forceful, a bit rigid, and pushing, pushing, pushing and taking anything that, any resistance that we feel, any resistance that we experience as a challenge that needs to be overcome. So if we can just overcome this challenge, we are resilient. We don't stop to consider as this conversation is going, the impact that's having on our life and our entirety, the impact it's having on our relationships and our ability to stay connected to ourselves and to the world around us.

And so, without looking at how we are defining resilience, it's really hard to notice how it's impacting us, and for me, resilience has become completely different than what it used to be. Today I define resilience as being able to process my experience and my emotions, and allowing the whole spectrum of my human experience to exist.

And also getting really honest with myself of when a resistance is a challenge that needs to be overcome. And I need to push the edge of my comfort, push the edge of my comfort zone, and actually when it's something, when it's a red flag, when it's a little trailhead showing me that perhaps I'm not meant to be pushing, perhaps life in this moment is not meant to feel so hard.

I think many high achievers can perhaps resonate with this idea of, if I'm not struggling, is it really worth it? If I'm not pushing, am I working hard enough? And that is what, like, traditionally, we perceive as resilience, like I'm resilient because I'm always pushing, I'm, you know, I'm hustling. I'm working extremely hard, I'm exhausted at the end of the day.

So I wear that as a badge of honor. My exhaustion is showing myself and the people around me, how dedicated I am to my job, to my family, to my friends. how's that working for us again, how do you sleep at night? And what is the quality of that? So when we can see that resilience can actually be something a bit more gentle, something that doesn't need to be so rigid and so, so forceful, and can be channeled through a different energy, can be channeled with more authenticity and like a sustainable energy to help push us forward towards our goals.

Without this inner pressure, that's always driving us to do more. To be able to hold the polarity of life, of being productive and being busy and enjoying the moment, engaging that flow state. Being here right now, that's what I like to consider for myself.

[00:12:04] Dawn Calvinisti: Okay, so having said that, I'm just going back to what I said at the very beginning. At this time of year when we're in the last month and we're thinking there's all these things that have to be done because at the beginning of the year, this was my goal, and I'm not quite there yet. There are. Kind of two parts.

One. One, it's not wrong and we're not saying that at all, that it's wrong to push. There are definitely times to push and times to make things happen, and there's nothing wrong with that. But there's also times to recognize that this isn't the be all and end all because of our own personal health and ability to actually enjoy life in the process.

So what would you say to those who are listening who are in that state right now and maybe aren't in that yeah, this is a great time to push, but rather I'm doing it because I should or I feel like I have to, or this is what I said I would do and therefore I have to finish it off. What do we do?

[00:13:01] Violetta Znorkowski: Hmm. I love the emphasis on the word should because that's it right there. And the first invitation I would give the audience on the folks that resonate with this way of doing things and also this really overpowering energy of your endless to-do list. It just doesn't seem to end, and I wanna recognize that that's important to recognize and that we do have to show up for our responsibilities.

We can't just, you know, ditch everything to the side and go into the Himalayas and meditate for the rest of our life to be peaceful. We have to learn how to navigate the daily stresses and those periods where things are really busy without compromising our own wellbeing and without sacrificing ourselves and our needs in the process.

So my first invitation would be is to investigate that. Should I have to. I should be doing this. When did you first learn that? Who first told you that this is what you should be doing and starting to notice how you react when you believe that? When you believe that you have to, and you should be doing this, what happens?

What happens in your mind and your thoughts? What happens in your body? What is your emotional state? And is that idea bringing stress or peace into your life in this moment? And I say this not to downplay the importance of showing up for your commitments. I say this because when we begin to question our motivations, something ironic happens.

That's actually the thing that frees us. So instead of pushing through the busyness and staying in a constant state of motion, if we can be with the discomfort of the overwhelm and anxiety that we feel that's driving us, it actually starts to lessen that overwhelm and that anxiety. One of the things that for some people, not everyone, depending how you operate, some people are more in their mind.

Some people are more in their feeling body. If you are someone that is more in your mind, questioning the should statements and then asking, what does it mean about me? What am I making it mean? If I'm not pushing, what does it mean? Because that is the root, that is the core story that's driving you, that is gonna be the pathway to your freedom.

Your pathway to be able to make different choices in the moment so that you can bring all of your humanness into your life so that you can consider all parts of your success, all of the things that are important and not just work.

[00:15:48] Dawn Calvinisti: I like that you said to ask, what does this mean about me. I think often we don't, again, take the time to just ask those questions and I can think of times when I was starting out in as an entrepreneur just really thinking that because somebody else was doing it a certain way, that's how I had to do it.

And again, it was wasn't until I really started to question if I feel that, do I believe that I'm not good enough? I'm not as good as that person. I'm not. So it was asking those questions that started to reframe how do I want my business to look and how do I wanna work my day? So I love that you bring this up.

I think that's such a good, just easy tool for us all to take and look at and, and maybe reassess where we're at. There's another word that you used that I also think is interesting and almost, I'm gonna say more for, for women almost can have a feel of, oh, I'm not really that. Now you said self-leadership, but I'm just gonna take the word leadership out of there because I think there's a lot of women who are like, oh, I, I'm not a leader.

Like that's somebody else that does big things, or a CEO or that type of thing. What are we defining when we say self-leadership?

[00:16:59] Violetta Znorkowski: I love this question and I haven't considered it before in this capacity, but you're so right. There is a bit of a dissonance between identifying as a leader. It's much less common for women. And the first thing I have to say is who told you you're not a leader? And if you're a mother, you're leading your family every single day.

You have been the bedrock of the home. If you're an entrepreneur, you're leading yourself and your team every single day. And your relationship, it can be joint leadership, team leadership. So when I say self-leadership, it's the ability to lead yourself so that you can be able to more effectively and resiliently and authentically and compassionately lead others.

Are you only focusing on the external and showing up for everyone else while sacrificing your own needs? Or are you really being that example of compassion, compassionate leadership of authenticity? When you encourage your team to have boundaries, do you uphold your boundaries and are you able to navigate your emotional landscape?

Are you able to speak up and use your voice when it's necessary and be able to identify again when it's time to push or when it's time to lean back? I think the core of any type of leadership is self-leadership. How can we lead someone else through something that we haven't yet experienced ourselves within ourselves?

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[00:18:38] Dawn Calvinisti: So as we're learning to look and maybe pull back a little, to be able to see the bigger picture and to see what we want to create, especially in this coming year, when we look at self-leadership and being resilient through this, are there skillsets or a skillset that we need to develop in order to do that?

[00:18:58] Violetta Znorkowski: Oh, absolutely. It's every skill set that we haven't learned in school. For example, that's emotional regulation, which is different than emotional suppression. And Really, you know, like these ideas are like really nice. It's like cognitively, you're like, oh yeah, of course, emotional, emotional regulation is important.

We can be playful with this because we're smart enough to know that's important. We're smart enough to know better. And how much of we, how much of it are we actually doing in our own lives? How much are we thinking about our emotions before we learn to process them and feel them within the body?

Because there is the mind body connection, and that's a skill to learn, to be able to sense when you are reaching the capacity, like your, your edge. To be able to sense that before you get to the overwhelm, before the anxiety takes over. To be able to sense that as it's happening and intervene is a skill.

I wish we were taught this in schools, it would've made my life a whole lot easier. But unfortunately, we are in the privileged position as the generation who gets to ask these bigger questions. We get to make these different choices and start to consider how we can live differently and how we can have different priorities that maybe the women and the people before us didn't have the privilege to do.

So one of those things is learning to move into your body, to recognize those subtleties, to regulate your nervous system, to be in regulation. It doesn't mean that you're calm all the time. It doesn't mean you feel peace all the time. What it actually means is you're able to experience stress and adversity and stretch yourself and make your way back to peace.

So that you're not locked and stuck in the anxiety, in the overwhelm and then the inevitable energetic crash that happens, which is maybe numbness, depression, procrastination. These things go hand in hand and it's actually a physiological response that is happening in the moment. So to be able to be in those higher intensity, higher, those states that require more of us.

While still being able to tap into that steadiness and when we do lose ourselves in the experience, we know very clearly how to make our way back home to ourselves.

[00:21:29] Dawn Calvinisti: I love this. This makes me happy inside. Just hearing, just hearing you talk about this in many ways I think you're right. We, we weren't taught this in school. It's something we're on our own or, you know, working with others to try to learn. But the word that you used about being privileged to be able to do that, I think is a really good reframe because often we can also get stuck in the, well why didn't anybody teach me this?

How come I'm trying to catch up now? Like, I don't know how to do this. This wasn't what I learned. This is, I have to undo all of these things. But the reality is you have the privilege in a day and time when there is so much access to resources and information. That we're very blessed to be able to do this in our day and age.

[00:22:14] Violetta Znorkowski: Yeah, and I would also like to add to that, Dawn, something really important that I think can support the listeners in releasing some of that shame, blame, guilt that's attached to, why don't I already know this? This sounds so easy. Why does it feel so hard? Because I've been there. I sense that you've been there as well, and it's often the simple things that aren't easy, and that's why we don't do them.

And yet they're the most important and the most transformative, and they are the very things that when we learn to incorporate into our daily life, transform our reality. Completely transform what's possible. When we are having big goals to stay connected in the process, and I'd like to invite this fact that isn't a fun fact unfortunately, but we are the first and second generation of women who are allowed to even open up a bank account without a husband or a father's permission.

And I think it was maybe the fifties or the forties where women were allowed to apply, like for credit cards and open up bank accounts in their own name. So these external factors and the systems that we live in impact how we lead ourselves, and I think that's so important to recognize that it's not you.

You are not like a defect. There's nothing wrong with you. This is a really fine balance between the privilege of being one of the first generations to be able to choose a career and to choose to be an entrepreneur. We have that choice, whereas our ancestors didn't. My mother immigrated from Europe to the US.

She didn't have even the internal space to think of what she wanted because she was thinking of how am I going to make a new life in this country? And these systemic factors that we are impacted by affect how we decide to lead ourselves, how we decide to work. We need to unlearn a lot. We need to unlearn the grip patriarchal structures have on us, and start to notice when am I staying silent when I can be using my voice? When am I compromising my needs for something outside of myself, for someone else? Before I think of myself, do I believe that I'm worthy to have needs? How are these narratives in our mind actually influencing our decisions? This seems like a big concept, and it is. It's important to name, and it doesn't have to be so complicated in practice because it's really the small, simple actions that have the biggest and most powerful impact.

But again, simple doesn't mean easy.

[00:24:55] Dawn Calvinisti: Absolutely. I, I agree. This is not necessarily easy, but what a great way to start looking ahead, especially as we go into a new year and to take that little bit of time. Find that little bit of backing off and to be able to say, okay, what do I want my next year to look like? To feel like, how do I want to show up what is authentically the things that are going to bring me joy and peace and, you know, be able to be resilient through the stress and return to that, that state of peace.

So I love that we get to talk about this as the year wraps up. What is the best place for people to find you and to get to know you better.

[00:25:35] Violetta Znorkowski: Thank you for that invitation, Dawn. The best place is through Instagram, Expand and Impact. You can find me there on all the social media, or if you're on LinkedIn, then Violeta Znorkowski. You can also find me on LinkedIn or the company page, Expand and Impact, and my own podcast also Expand and Impact where we discuss the intersection between personal development and gender equality and how you can create a successful life in all areas and honor your needs in the process and really level up your emotional wellbeing and your leadership.

[00:26:10] Dawn Calvinisti: Thank you for that. I'm gonna put all of that into the show notes. And also there's a great freebie, which is a checklist that will help you unlock deeper states of calm, presence, and confidence so that you can thrive. So that will be there too in the link to it. Can you tell us a little bit about what that will do for us?

[00:26:28] Violetta Znorkowski: Yes. I'm so excited to present this checklist because it is the missing piece that I found in any personal or professional development, and it will take you through simple action steps that you can do daily depending on what you notice in your activation and your emotional state. So if you are, you know, feeling overwhelmed, more anxiety, there's gonna be very simple action steps that will support your state to come back into more balance into a space where you feel that you have choice again.

And there's like a separation between you and all of the noise and all of the responsibility and also the opposite if you are on the lower end, which often happens when we are used to working on overdrive. We often experience a crashing period where we are exhausted, we are fatigued. Some of us enter a state of depression or a state of numbness.

This is all very normal and I wanna say that if you experience this, this is a hundred percent normal. It's a hundred percent human, and this checklist will give you simple action steps to come back into a state of calm, peace, regulation, connection. You can access confidence, creativity, curiosity, and start to make decisions from that space.

[00:27:44] Dawn Calvinisti: Thank you so much for that. I think that is an amazing freebie and you need to get into the show notes and download that. One thing I want to say here too is I ask every guest Violetta about the fact that we are not, we're all a work in progress, I guess is what I really wanna say. So we know that we haven't got it all figured out.

And everyone that comes on the show, I ask, which of the three P's do you relate to the most, whether it's people pleasing, perfectionism or procrastination.

[00:28:13] Violetta Znorkowski: Probably it's equal between procrastination and people pleasing.

Definitely there's a balance there.

[00:28:21] Dawn Calvinisti: Where do you see it play out in your life?

[00:28:24] Violetta Znorkowski: The people pleasing in my personal relationships, especially familial relationships. I still face an internal conflict sometimes with this internal pressure to show up and make people happy or fulfill an expectation that actually hasn't been voiced out loud. Mainly in my family. And as far as the procrastination, it really shows up in my business, especially as someone who is part personal, brand, part experiential school of experience. That visibility piece of really showing up, using my voice and having my face plastered over the internet makes me procrastinate for sure, because it's intimidating and there's still some work for me to do to be able to fully step into that role and into my knowledge and expertise.

[00:29:19] Dawn Calvinisti: Thank you for sharing that. I think for listeners, it's always nice to hear where people are truly at and to be able to, to recognize that a lot of us have similar tendencies in those areas, and like I said, it's still a work in progress, so I appreciate that you share that.

[00:29:35] Violetta Znorkowski: Thank you so much. I, it felt really nice to name that and to say it out loud instead of harboring it and having it to be like a dirty little secret.

[00:29:44] Dawn Calvinisti: Yeah, we all have things

right, that we're, that we're working on. We all do. For all of you who are listening, I so appreciate that you're here and that you're learning it and that you're taking time for yourselves, and I hope that you'll take all of the things, but even one piece that Violetta said that really stuck out to you and use it. Don't just listen, but actually use that tip or that tool and start to implement it. Sometimes it's sitting back and just writing down what stuck out to you, and then just mulling it over for the next week or so and see what comes up for you. So I encourage you to do that. I encourage you to share the podcast with other people. I'm sure you've heard a nugget in there where you thought I could share this with somebody. And you have names that you're thinking of that should be listening to this, so make sure that you do that. Violetta, thank you so much for coming on the podcast. It was such a delight to actually discuss all of this with you.

[00:30:35] Violetta Znorkowski: Thank you so much, Dawn, for having me. It's been a pleasure to put a voice and put a name to these really important topics.

[DAWN CALVINISTI]

Thanks for listening to today's show. If you found value in what you heard, please share it with a friend and rate and review us on whatever platform you listen on. It really helps get us out to other women who could benefit from listening. 

Check out our show notes for details from the show and to connect with me or our guests. Want to continue the conversation? My website is www.pursueprogress.com or DM me @pursueprogresswithdawn on Instagram. 

Until next week, pursue progress no matter how imperfectly.

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