How to Stop Carrying Everyone's Problems (and Still Be a Great Leader)

If you’ve ever felt the immediate urge to jump in, fix the problem, and make everything better — this episode is for you.

In senior living leadership, the instinct to rescue is common. When someone comes to you overwhelmed or stressed, your body reacts before your brain does. Your chest tightens. Your heart races. You feel the pressure to act fast.

That reaction isn’t leadership instinct — it’s anxiety.

In this follow-up episode to The Questions That Build Leaders, Erin explores the skill underneath asking better questions: learning how to breathe through the anxiety of fixing, rescuing, and over-functioning.

This is a mentoring-style episode that teaches leaders how to pause, regulate their nervous system, and stay present long enough to help others think, grow, and solve problems for themselves — without guilt, shame, or withdrawal of support.

As Erin shares throughout the episode:
 Every time you help someone solve their own problem, your influence grows.

🎧 In This Episode, You’ll Learn:

• Why the urge to fix feels urgent — and why it’s often anxiety, not leadership
• How rescuing creates short-term relief but long-term dependence
• The simple one-breath pause that interrupts over-functioning
• How to respond instead of react when problems come to you
• Why fixing soothes the leader but doesn’t build confidence in others
• How asking questions actually multiplies support instead of withholding it
• The connection between calm leadership, influence, and capacity
• How to stop being the bottleneck and start building leaders
• Why leadership requires awareness more than urgency

🌱 Key Takeaway

You don’t have to fix everything to be a great leader.

Sometimes the most powerful thing you can do is stay present in the discomfort long enough to let someone find their own answer. That pause — even one breath — is where confidence, ownership, and leadership capacity begin to grow.

📣 Resources & Next Steps

If this episode resonates with you, you may also enjoy:
 🎧 The Questions That Build Leaders (previous episode)

💡 Erin also teaches these skills inside the 100% Leader Program, where leaders learn how to build capacity, confidence, and influence without burning out.
Details and links are available in the show notes.

🤝 Let’s Keep the Conversation Going

If this episode helped you:

• Share it with a leader who carries too much
• Listen to the previous episode as a companion
• Send Erin a message with your biggest takeaway

As always, aspire for more for you , knowing you’re already enough.

Learn more about the 100% Leader here

New ED's Playbook to Creating and IMpactful Community Cultrue

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Transcript

1:06

Welcome back to another episode of The Aspire for More with Erin podcast or mentoring session or coaching session, whatever you wanna call it, whenever you listen to me for Thank you for being here. Last episode we talked about how question. Build leaders, how do we grow and build leaders that can solve problems for themselves, which is something that we want to happen inside of our community. We went over that the answers are already inside of the leaders in front of you. You just have to pull them out. Whether it's a confidence or a competency problem, that's your goal as a leaders to be able to underst understand that we went over that questions, create a buy-in, and so really getting people involved in solving their problems because hello. They don't resist their own creation, their own solution. Some people are gonna resist if you come up with it, but if they come up with it, they're not gonna resist that. And then understanding that questions build confidence, and that's important, especially if you ask the questions in the right way with the right tone. Questions also develop leadership capacity, which is huge because our overwhelm and our burnout inside this industry is, is, is about the capacity problem. So if we want to build capacity in ourselves and in other people, we want to ask them questions so we can build that capacity so they can expand their own capacity so they're not living inside the limits. They're understanding what's possible. So today I wanted to go over as a follow up to that episode, how, how do we actually do that when we have such a reaction mechanism default to solve problems, right? How do we breathe? Before we rescue. So if you are a person who loves to solve other people's problems, who react, who don't take that pause to respond and you wanna stop and you wanna go back and, and you wanna help build leaders who can solve problems on their own, bring to you the problem and the solution. This episode is for you and the main goal, the main. Line that I want you to think about and understand is every time you help someone solve their own problems, your influence grows. As a leader, you can't control your way to success, but you can influence your way to success. And so if you are involved in every problem and you are involved in every decision, and people have to come to you in order to move forward. You have zero influence. You have control and probably a lot of resentment swimming around inside of your community. But if you can ask questions and support your leaders in their own process of solving their problems, your influence grows because their capacity grows. Your capacity grows. Your time is more of yours. They have more time and they won't resist. What they have created and you've created a safe space almost for them to talk about, oh, this didn't work. Okay, well let's ask some questions and dive in, goes back to that fail framework on how to turn those, those moments around, which is really important. So this is for you. This is for you. Okay. I don't want you to think that because you jump in and fix other people's problems, that you're a bad leader, and I don't want you to think that when you stop jumping in and fixing everybody's problems, that they're gonna think that you're a bad leader, that you don't care anymore. What I want you to understand is what the root cause is as to why you're jumping in and solving everybody's problems. Now, if you've listened to me long enough, you know my story. It had a tendency to jump in and solve people's problems. I overcame that and wanted people to solve their own problems because honestly, there's two executive directors that were on my team in two different roles now. I knew they had potential, and if I wasn't, if I wasn't going to allow them to grow, I was holding them back. They had the ability to problem solve, so why am I gonna step in the way and solve all their problems? I'm not gonna do that. But when I wanted to. I look back now, hindsight being 2020, and I understand that drive was my own nervous system telling me that this is an emergency, you need to fix it, right? That tight feeling in my chest, the desire to solve the problem, the mindset of I need to act right now. I mistook that for. Leadership instinct. I'm good at this, I'm gonna go do that. I'm gonna get it done right. That's anxiety, that's not leadership instinct. Or I guess you could say that's leadership instinct mixed up with anxiety, and it's part of that emotional tornado. I wanna teach you today that the skill underneath asking better questions is really about breathing. About you breathing through the anxiety of not rescuing people, of you calming your nervous system and saying, this can be solved without you. You just need to ask questions. And the other thing I wanna preface this conversation about is there are people who have potential. Do you see them? Is there a difference? There are people that you can start practicing with this skill now that will be a soft place because you know they have potential. You see that they can problem solve. You see that they want to, and maybe you're holding them back, start this skill with them and then there are people who can build the capacity to problem solve that are gonna take a little bit more time and patience for you. Okay, so choose who you can practice this skill on first to strengthen it, to get comfortable with it, to lower your anxiety, to be able to identify when you need to breathe through it and pause and then start working on the other people who have potential, who just don't have the maturity yet. Don't start. This skill of breathing through anxiety and helping people solve their problems with somebody who's going to need more than you can give right now. Start with someone who's already has problem solving abilities and start asking them questions and giving them the confidence that they need. Because once you learn how to let go, how to equip, how to empower, how to build capacity in others. Leadership starts to feel a little bit lighter, almost immediately you can feel your nervous system calming down. And that's important. That's, that's what we need. Now, if you don't have anybody who are problem solvers, and you don't see potential in people. That you have currently in your team. that's another topic of conversation, but there's gotta be at least one person that you can do this with to start practicing and you can tell them, Hey, I see a lot of potential in you and I wanna start working on. some capacity building exercises with you. So when you bring me a problem, I'm gonna start asking you questions. I may have solved too many problems in the past and I want to fix that. And I wanna start with you because I see potential in you. Wow. Wouldn't that be fun? Wouldn't that be such an honor to be told? I would love that. so this episode is for you, the leaders who know they shouldn't rescue. But feel physically uncomfortable not doing it. Okay, so, let's get into the key teaching here. Why does it feel so hard to stop rescuing? Again, it's that physical. Feeling of anxiety, that tightening of the chest, the heartbeat racing. I've gotta fix this now because it's urgent. So my question to you, is it urgent? Who is telling you, what is telling you that this is so bad that you have to act on it immediately? It's probably just anxiety. Because what happens is you get worked up in such a way that fixing it creates relief for you. But relief is short-lived and it's not leadership. I think we get confused sometimes that leadership is very short term minded, but leadership needs to be a long term. Lead. Okay. Managers are going to manage something in the moment, but leaders understand that the moment will create a long-term positive effect. So fixing when somebody brings you a problem and you get literally physically moved, tightening in the chest. Anxiety, heart rate. All of a sudden, I gotta fix this now so I can get relief for you. Because what if the person wants to solve their own problem? What if they have ideas? We don't even ask them. We just solve it. That person gets upset. All of a sudden your relief turns into their resentment, which is a problem we want to really think about. Asking questions to build the capacity for you to sit in discomfort and for them to grow in the discomfort, right? You cannot regulate yourself first because you will rescue and solve and fix every time. So be aware of your physical and psychological feelings when problems come up, and who is standing in front of you or who is on the other line that you can ask questions to. Again, questions are not abandoning people. Questions are helping them understand that they have the ability, the knowledge, the foresight, everything to solve these problems. So here's how you're gonna do that. First step is identifying I am physically and mentally and emotionally moved when a problem comes to me. I don't wanna be a manager, I wanna be a leader. So how do I do that? And this is where that power of the pause comes in. and really it's just one breath. It's not a thousand breaths. It could be for box breaths, if you've heard of that, where you go in for and out for, but you really only need one breath, one pause. You need to, okay. The problem comes to you. I feel my body physically changing. My heart rate's going. My mind is racing. Okay. I don't wanna rescue somebody. I wanna help them solve this problem. So before answering, I'm gonna pause, and now, depending on the relationship with your team, and I have done this before, I'm not gonna lie. I take a deep breath and it's very exaggerated. So they know what's going on and I'm like, and I blow it out. I close my eyes and I'm like, okay. Sometimes the first question I ask is, how did we get. Here. Okay, how did we get here? And they just look at me and they acknowledge, they feel the same way. Okay? And now that one breath can interrupt the fact that my autopilot of fixing and solving and rescuing has now been disrupted. And then it buys my brain, my emotions, time to just regulate itself and tell myself I'm okay. Everybody's okay. Let me ask some questions. And again, if you tell your team, this is what I'm working on, this is what you're gonna see from me, it can be really funny. And it goes back to influence because if you want people to grow, you've gotta really show them evidence that you're growing and to be consistent with your growth because it's the influence that this brings to your team. I was so transparent with my team about a lot of things. Obviously not things that were inappropriate, but I'm really trying to get better in this area, or this is some of the things that we're gonna do because the more they know, the more that you can manage their expectations, the more they see you struggle and get better, the more it gives them permission to do the same thing. So do not be ashamed to say, I'm pausing. And I'm gonna take a deep breath and I'm gonna ask you, how did we get here? And then I'm gonna ask you some real good questions to help us get out of this current situation that we're in, This space, this pause creates that leadership and capacity building moment, the responding overreacting. And it gets everybody back into reality and not in some kind of future that we're creating out of fear, which is really, really important because that's what anxiety is, We're creating all these outcomes. We're thinking about all these things that aren't even true. But I can take a beat, I can take a breath, I can ask how'd we get here? I can feel my body tense up and my nervous system catch on fire and I can say we're gonna be okay. Because I am human. Because they are human, and we're gonna solve this in a human way. That's building capacity. That's how we're gonna breathe through the anxiety. So again, we're talking about how solving other people's problems. Does not build influence. And every time you help someone solve their own problem, your influence grows and influences how we're going to get people to change. And we're gonna be looking for these people who are already problem solving, who you can trust, who are on this growth journey with you, that you can say that we're doing this together. That's, that's who we're gonna start off with and we're gonna be aware of when our body tells us that it's urgent, it's immediate, it's a fire, you need to react. But really what we already know is that the fire department's called in to respond. They're called first responders, they're not called first reactors. And leadership inside of our community needs people who can take this one breath. be aware of their changes and to ask questions to help people to grow because there's power in the pause. And when people see you start responding, they will do the same thing. So the rescue trap that we fall into makes us feel useful. It makes us feel needed. It can make us feel competent, but it also means that we. We have to be involved in everything and that's our, our problem that we put ourselves there. No one else. We want to be able to equip and empower people and grow leaders that can solve their own problem. I don't wanna become the bottleneck of why people can't move in or why people can't get back in, or not being able to fill the shift, not being able to move forward, not being able to answer questions that come to me. I don't wanna be the bottleneck. I wanna teach and empower and understand other people's strengths and lift them up so they can make, honestly me look good, because I wanna look good in the eyes of my corporation. or the owner. I don't wanna constantly feel like I have to solve all the problems I wanna be able to answer people's questions to me and really brag on my team to them, because that's what corporations are looking for in the leadership at their community. I don't wanna be the bottleneck. I don't want somebody to say to me. why do you have to be involved in every situation? Because every time you solve a problem for them, you may feel good, but you've taken their confidence with you. And if you were talking up to your corporate office and you were saying that I did this, and I did that, and I did this, then a good leader in the corporate office is saying. This community isn't growing leaders, the executive director is responsible for everything, and we really need a well-rounded leadership department because what happens if you're solving every problem, and you get hit by a bus, nobody knows how to run the community, solve the problems, and that's not fair to the residents, and it's not fair to the associates. How to get outta that rescue trap is understanding that short-term relief, short-term problem solving, managing in the moment does not create long-term success. It creates a need and a dependency on you, which is burning people out because I don't know if I need to repeat this to you, but we are 24 hours, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Do you want to be available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year? I hope the answer to that question is no. So what do you do instead? How do I, decrease the dependency and increase the independence of my team? You ask questions, real conversations in the moment. That's what we do. That's what I want you to do. Think about using this scenario when anxiety shows up, when you're breathing in and out of your nose, you become aware of all the physiological and physical changes, and you say, I feel the urge to fix. You take a breath, you ask yourself, how did we get here? And then maybe you ask yourself a few other questions and ask the other person and yourself a few other questions. What do you think the real issue is? What have we already tried? what feels the hardest about this moment right now? And what would you do if I wasn't here? These are great questions. Asking these questions is not withholding support. It's not putting them on the spot, and if you pre-frame it to, okay, I'm gonna ask you some questions because I want you to help me solve this, or I wanna be able to help you solve this problem and not solve it myself. It's multiplying support. It's teaching yourself that you don't have to solve the problem. It's teaching the leader that they're already capable of solving the problem, and it's teaching them the skills to ask the same questions to somebody else. And we, as leaders inside of a community, have a ton of questions we have to ask and answer due to investigations. And these are great investigative questions. Also great to calm everything down. And really collect information, which is just data. So here they are again. What do you think the real issue is? What have you already tried? What feels hardest about this right now? And what would you do if I wasn't here? All great questions to understand the response, and I'm gonna tell you something else about asking these questions. You're gonna be able to know where people are in the maturity of leadership, where they are in the problem solving scale, and where they need the most growth, the most mentoring. And that is key when you're talking about equipping and empowering people to create more time for yourself and to grow the capacity of, of them, of your team. Again, asking a question is not withholding support. It's multiplying it if people get defensive when you're asking questions. Maybe it's your tone. Maybe it's how you pre-frame it, but I think it's important for people, for people to understand. I'm gonna be asking you questions because you already have the answer, and I just wanna pull it out of you. And the other thing is when people answer questions, they hear themselves. And it goes back to one of my favorite lines is that people do not believe what you tell them. They might believe what other people tell them, but they truly believe what they tell themselves. And when you can change the story of the person that they're telling themselves, and you can change that thought process. You've got real influence inside of your community, but you don't know the story they're telling themselves unless you ask them questions. That's a sales lesson. That's a leadership lesson. That's a, relationship lesson. You don't know what you're fighting unless you ask questions to get to the root cause so you don't have to fix to help people. You have to get clear to help people. Is this a problem or is this a decision that has to be made? Because I can't lead a problem and I can't solve a decision, but I can ask clarifying questions to understand which one I'm working with a problem or a decision, and I don't need to fix in order to help. I just have to get clear The people with the best clarity, the most clear vision, the most clear intent. Clear boundaries are the most influential person in the room, and that's who you want to be. You want to pull that out of people. That's why influence is so important in creating more time and creating better leaders and creating a. Positive resident experience inside of your community. When someone finds their own answers, something shifts. It's that confidence. It's that capacity. It's the ownership. Which we all want our department managers to do. And if you're a corporate leader, we want our executive directors to own as well. So when they solve their own problems, when they're given the opportunity to fail forward without, fear of firing and termination. Now obviously we wanna put that into some context, but we know that confidence grows. We know that ownership will increase. And we know that the trust will deepen. The influence expands and gets bigger. So every time you help someone solve their own problem, your influence grows, their confidence grows. And when somebody owns their department or their community, their influence grows. They're influencing everything because when people own something and are passionate about it and can communicate about it, everybody's influenced by that. We gotta give people the opportunity to own it. as a wrap up, let's repeat this clearly. Here's as a wrap up. Here are the main points. That I want you to understand of why breathing through the need to fix is so important. Anxiety makes rescuing feel urgent. Identify it, become aware of it, and move on from it. One breath will interrupt this cycle. Just one deep breath and asking what's the real issue here? Fixing, rescuing, solving Sues you, brings you relief, but not to them. It might bring you relief from your own symptoms of needing to fix and control, but it can build resentment in other people who want the freedom to solve their own problems. Questions will build confidence as long as you use the right tone and pre-frame them that I'm here to help you. Grow and expand in your leadership capacity and influence. Your influence and their influence grows. When we all pause and understand where we are, how we got here in ways to solve or make a decision, solve a problem, or make a decision to move people forward in a positive way. Remember, you don't have to fix everything. To be a great leader, you do not have to solve every problem. Great leaders trust their people and can have their back and communicate the process and the why. Sometimes the most powerful thing that you can do is to stay present long enough in the discomfort, to be courageous, to stay in the discomfort, to ask the questions. And consider it that somebody else wants to find their own answer. Leadership requires awareness and the willingness to shine the light on someone else's skill.'cause it's not about you, it's about them. And that's where influence. Is made. If this episode resonates with you and you feel like somebody needs to hear this, please share it with them. invite them into this conversation and listening to the episode before this about building and growing leaders and the power of questions is a great way for them to start thinking about what this looks like in their leadership. I want to, say that we're opening up enrollment for the a hundred percent leader program. Again, a hundred percent is not just a metric, it is a mindset. And part of what I'm teaching here is what is going to create more a hundred percent leaders in a side of our communities. I'll put the website, on the a hundred percent leader program. in the show notes. So please go there and look for more information. You can always email me, get on my calendar and we can chat Again. Thank you. Thank you for your time and go out there and let's start having people solve their own problems. Remember, always aspire for more for you, knowing that you're already enough.