Why People Blame and How Clear Leaders Restore Control

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Transcript

1:06

Here's what I'm gonna promise you today. I am gonna help you walk through these hard conversations that we have to have with lots of our key stakeholders inside of a community. And I'm going to help you understand how to have them in a way that serves you, that helps you find the win-win solution for both parties. And we're gonna do that by understanding that when people feel vulnerable, they crave control. And our job as leaders is to restore control with the next steps, with what they're in control of, what they're out of control of, and helping them be the guide to find out what that next step is. This is the promise, so if you stick with me, this is what we're gonna dive into today. And I just wanna say thank you for being here. Thank you for spending this time with me. Your time and attention are such a valuable asset to you, and I just want you to know that I appreciated you being here. So I want, we're gonna start off here today. Most difficult people aren't difficult. They're just avoiding at all costs, being vulnerable when people feel vulnerable. They, and they don't want to feel vulnerable. They try to grab and grasp for control any way they can, and that means blame, anger, micromanaging, and rebellion. This is what we're gonna talk about today if you want to become the kind of leader that people trust. I want you to understand you're not gonna win by being the loudest person in the room with the roughest voice, with the finger pointing, with the threats. It's not how you're gonna win. You're not gonna threaten people to write them up or to fire them and win. That's not gonna happen, okay? That's gonna breed rebellion. You're gonna win by giving them something to hold onto some clarity, some autonomy. Some respect and sometimes simple next steps. So stay with me because I'm going to give you a lot to think about today. Hopefully some examples that can restore control for you and these really important hard conversations that we have to have. And we can do that without overpromising, without people pleasing to the point where it harms us and our teams. And honestly, without avoiding the hard conversations, because you're gonna get used to them, you're gonna have a structure, you're gonna understand why it's there. You're gonna look at it from being blamed from a personal standpoint, and you're looking at it from them being an advocate standpoint, which changes the game. Okay, so here's what I want you to hear. This works because once you understand the psychology behind people avoiding vulnerability and lashing out to discharge the pain, you're gonna understand that this is never about us unless we did something wrong. Okay? If the community did something wrong and it was egregious, and obviously there's a lot of accountability that has to come into that, but. It's not about us personally most of the time. A lot of the time it is about things that are uncontrollable, which is our loved ones, getting older people not being able to have their needs met in a community that they've lived in in forever, or not being able to move in because we cannot meet their needs. These are the things that we're gonna be talking about today. How do we keep this on a professional standpoint and not a personal standpoint? And allow people to advocate when they need to. So if you're avoiding the hard conversations because you don't like conflict, the fallout or honestly the drama. Stay with me. If you overexplain over-function or end up owning everyone's mistakes, we're gonna talk about that. If your team reacts to rules, like their personal attacks, I got a solution for you. If your families are spiraling or your staff is blaming and your department heads are freezing through all of the drama, and you are the one that is stuck holding it. We're gonna talk about that. And if you are tired of being the emotional dumping ground, we're gonna work on not staying there. You're no longer the emotional dumping ground. You're going to get the skills and the tools to be a person to leave the dumping ground because you're gonna own the conversation instead of winging it. Winging it leads us here. To people's needs not being met, their emotional needs not being met, and to where we're constantly in fight or flight pattern. And that's not where we wanna be. We wanna find the win-win situation. So if any of those topics feel like that's you, let's get started. Because we are gonna solve some of those problems today. And one of the first ways, the big mindset shift, that we have to understand is that when people feel vulnerable, they feel at a loss of control. And so what happens when we feel like we have lost control? When we're feeling vulnerable and we don't like it, what happens? We blame, we avoid, and we rebel. You truly can look at this for when a resident, when a family member is touring a community and the resident doesn't wanna move, that is vulnerable. And so what does that mean? It means they've lost control. And so when that resident has lost control because they're moving outta their home, and now you and I know that they may have lost control even in their home, but the resident feels like they're in control when they're in their home. And now you're talking about moving me out of my home and into a senior living community. We see a lot of blame, avoidance and rebellion. I know I did when I moved my grandmother into my community. I saw all of it. But that same concept works for a family member who's trying to advocate for their loved one, who doesn't want their loved one to move to memory care or hospital, or an incident that happened and they're trying to figure it out. They're feeling like a loss of control. So one of the first things that we do is blame and rebel. Blame is a coping strategy for when you feel powerless. And I have, I really became aware of this when I was inside of the community. I didn't necessarily have the language for it, but I knew through a pattern that when people. Were put into situations that they didn't know what to do. they didn't wanna do it. That the first thing they started doing was blaming. And then I started taking it personal because I didn't do anything wrong and they're blaming me. But then I realized I have to go into these meetings. Prepared. Owning the conversation, owning why this decision had to be made. Being able to cite the rules and policies and procedures and the overall wellness and safety of the resident, to be able to explain to them why this was a good decision. You don't wanna go into these meetings winging it. You wanna go into these meetings, owning it, owning the why, owning the decision, and owning the outcome. That's really important. I, I, I wanna tell you about this airport story because it's a real life lesson of understanding discharging pain when you feel vulnerable and blaming people. I. I was on a work trip, but before I left for the work trip, I dropped my daughter off at a summer camp for the first time. I spent the night four a week away, dropped her off. She was nervous. I was so proud of her for doing it, and I had scheduled my trip to fly back the day we to pick her up and it was gonna be a good time. So the day that I was flying home to pick her up, get to the airport, what happened? Light was delayed. Not a big deal. I had some built in time. But the flight kept getting delayed and getting delayed, and all of a sudden my built-in time was shortening and I was really scared I wasn't gonna make the next flight. We landed and I had about a 20 minute window, and I still felt like, okay, maybe I can make this flight. But how many of us have been stuck on an airplane at the airport waiting for another plane to move? All of the sudden, any chance of me making this flight became almost zero. I started running to the next gate, unaware that the door closes to the airplane 10 minutes before the flight is to take off. I get to the ticket counter and the door had been closed, and I cannot get on that plane. In that moment, I was devastated. Vulnerability sets in. I have lost all control. My daughter is going to be devastated. I am devastated, and I want to blame the ticket counter girl. I want so badly to lash out at her. Why would you close the door? Why would you close the door when you know that this plane is here and there's people on it? And it was nobody's fault. It wasn't my fault. I had been studying blame. I had been studying vulnerability, and I knew that blaming this person in front of me who had nothing to do with any of the situation was only discharging the pain that I felt. So instead of blaming her, I just felt the feelings and I started crying. I literally started crying in front of a stranger and I was out of breath because I ran with a really heavy backpack on for a long ways to get here. Didn't know I was completely out of control and I was sobbing and she grabbed my hand. And gave me air mile points, right? And then I get on the next flight and I get more mileage points. The moral of the story is I was sad, I was vulnerable, I lost control, and what I wanted to do was inflict pain on the person in front of me. But that is a coping strategy. That was me not willing to sit in the discomfort long enough to realize life is okay. It's sad. In fact, my husband picked my daughter up and she couldn't care less that it wasn't me. I was making this a bit of a bigger situation than it needed to be. And why does the person in front of the ticket out count, ticket counter need me to blame her? When we think about drama and we think about the airlines, and you see how many people like abuse these ticket counter people, to me, I view it as the fastest way to reduce the drama that we feel when, you know somebody is feeling sad or out of control, is to restore control, What is the one thing that she could give me to make this moment better? Maybe she could have given me, given me a gift card or something, I don't know. But she gave me points. She was able to restore a little bit of control with a little bit of a dopamine hit, right? So what is something that we can do if we're in a tough conversation or a drama field situation? What are some of the things that we can do? A, we can think this person is feeling at a loss of control. They are blaming us for something. Did we do anything wrong? Number one, did we do anything wrong? Number two, what can I give them to restore control back to them, to give them agency? That's important to me. That's where the win-win is. If this is just a natural progression or if this is something that we had no control of, we have to acknowledge that and then we can say, here's what I would do if I were you. Here are the next steps that I've been thinking about. Here are some things that you can do to make this situation feel better and be better. You're giving people back control. That is the number one way to walk through a very hard conversation when people are feeling vulnerable. So what are some the things to look for when people are. Not wanting to be vulnerable. When you get too close to the pain, when you're having a conversation and you're talking and you're digging, and you're being curious, respectfully curious, and all of a sudden they shut down and they say, nevermind. It doesn't matter. Nevermind. They are trying to avoid the vulnerability. They're avoiding it. They're shutting down, and this is where you lean in a little bit more and you say, it is important. Here's why. Right When you people shut down in front of you, they're, they don't like that discomfort. And if you shut down there too, you're not going to get any further. You're not gonna know how to help them through that. If they tell you that I don't need your help, and they really keep you at a, an arm's length distance, that perfectionism. That's how people avoid vulnerability. They look like they have it all together, but then how many times have we walked into a house or we looked at their medicine, or we walk into their apartment and we realize they don't have it together. We've just been assuming that they did because that's what they're telling us. Okay? These are signs that people are avoiding vulnerability. And that we need to lean in a little bit more with a lot of love, a lot of curiosity, and a lot of respect. It's really that piece is gonna require you to be very clear on your boundaries, clear on the rules, clear on owning the role that we're in.'cause you can respect people and still say, I have to come in and see what's going on. And then to be able to restore agency autonomy, advocacy back to them. Another way to avoid blame avoidance or rebellion is something that I have gotten a little bit of a huge human dose of here recently. Is that rules without relationships equal rebellion. And I'm gonna say that again to you. Rules without relationships equal rebellion. This is where I want you to blend leadership, management, and emotional intelligence together. Boundaries, policies and procedures, rules and regulations, they are not the problem. The disconnect, the not understanding that we operate with rules and policies and procedures and boundaries. We know as leaders inside of a community that each state has different rules, that each company has different policies and procedures, and when residents and family members or even associates come in and we don't communicate where our boundaries are in a proactive and detailed way, assumptions are made. And the disconnect between the rules that we operate by and the rules, or the lack of rules or the lack of awareness that somebody else operates by will collide. And when they collide, it can be dangerous. Rules without relationships feel like control rules with relationships. That is what leadership is because really leadership is influence. You can't influence anybody that you're don't have a relationship with. If I feel like I don't know you, and then you're gonna give me something for me to sign. I wasn't even aware that you were thinking that way or had this vision. I'm operating on a totally different set of assumptions then that doesn't feel like leadership. In some ways, that feels like bullying and intimidation, which equals zero relationship, right? And so what happens is we're gonna rebel against standards because. People that rebel are rebelling against being unseen, unheard, disrespected whenever there wasn't a conversation about any of this before. Why is it happening now? Being blindsided, being feeling of betrayal, like all these things come from a lack of communication. And trying to establish boundaries without any type of foundational relationship first. And I think that is so key when we're really talking about, you know, in my opinion. The hourly associates inside of our communities. Obviously when we have to have these hard conversations with family members about different levels of care and what they need, and particularly when we're talking about the corporate office communicating down to communities where all of a sudden things are changing and there's no real. Awareness, how it affects people in different states or how it affects processes that may be required inside communities just to be successful When we think about big transitions in life. We realize that transitions are personal, change is situational, but the business that we are in is personal, so it's almost like every change or every transition that's happening. Has to be dealt with from a relationship perspective first, because if you don't, you are going to get rebellion. You're going to get blame, you're going to get anger, and those emotional tornadoes. will suck up all of your time. But if you can understand that people who are feeling vulnerable and they do not like that feeling, are going to literally discharge the pain through blame, through avoidance, through anger, through rebellion. If you realize that rebellion comes from a lack of relationship and the boundaries that are being set that they weren't even aware of. And we can understand that building a relationship first and communicating boundaries on the front end at the same time, helps them understand the rules, the guidelines, the boundaries. It's kind, it's truly being very clear and kind. Most people would probably tell you to never do this, but I want you to know this is what I did. It worked for me. Almost every time, anytime I'm sitting here signing a residency agreement with a family member, I'm going to talk to them about the boundaries, the rules, and the res of the state of Alabama has put on me as an operator, administrator inside of the state. And I'm gonna talk about some of the things that we can and cannot do, and maybe that's not something that your corporate office wants you to do, but I'm just telling you clear is kind. Building that relationship, understanding the foundation that you can't necessarily plan to live here forever, although it's possible. But here are some of the things that can get in the way of that and that we're gonna walk with you when that time comes. We're gonna see the sign, the patterns, the symptoms, all the things, and we're gonna handle this together. But these are the rules that we are governed by. And if you can have that conversation in a respectful, positive way, it will work out for you in the long run. I truly do live by the seven habits of highly effective people, and I just always begin with the end in mind, and I always look for that win-win situation. And the more you know, the more empowered that you feel. And when you understand that the rebellion that you may be getting. From any of your key stakeholders. It may be because you are talking about rules when the relationship and the trust hasn't been built yet. But if you can do that at the same time, then all of a sudden you are building respect, dignity, trust. Trust is demonstrated, you build trust, when you demonstrate that you care, you build trust. When you make emotional intelligence part of your leadership plan, right? It's that head and that heart alignment that is so important in a very human based industry, which is senior living. my God, there's a lot happening inside of our communities, and the more you can understand what vulnerability is costing you, you know, avoiding conversations, what that's costing you, and how if you're not building those relationships and you're having to dictate a bunch of rules, you might be getting a lot of rebellion. So here are some. Next stepped scripts. if we know that people who are avoiding vulnerability are gonna blame, they're gonna avoid, they're gonna try to discharge that pain, they're gonna rebel. I want you to have some scripts in mind, just some language that you can pull from. I believe language is power, and my goal for you, when you listen to this podcast with you're in my one-on-one coaching or you're in my 100% leader program, the language that we use truly will set us up to succeed, or it will set us up to fail. And the one thing that I didn't have inside that community that I do now that I understand on a whole different level is the language. I acted like I knew the language. I just didn't always have the language, and it's just something that I'm very committed to, to give you the language that you need to own every aspect of your role. So we want to name what's true. If we don't name it, we can't overcome it. We can't own it. So when people are feeling frustrated. When people are starting to blame, when people are starting to react, you can name what you see and you can say, I can see this is frustrating. I know you're concerned. I'm sensing that this is really urgent for you. Okay, these are important. This is very frustrating for me to, let's see what we can do to work together to make this. The best we can moving forward. So when we name the emotion, when we name the description of the emotion, we're connecting, we gotta name what's true. We have to name it to own it. Okay? So here we're gonna restore control. I know this is frustrating. I know that you're concerned and here's what I know that we can do next that can help alleviate some of that frustration or that concern. Based on my experience, this is what I would suggest. Okay, we've named it and now we're gonna say that we're gonna try to restore some control. And then we're gonna define the boundary. what can I, and what can I not do? What is possible, what is not possible? Because too many times in these very emotional settings, we're trying to control the uncontrollable. And one of the best things that you can do to restore control for somebody is to identify what is controllable and what isn't. Okay. Like if a family member is feeling guilty that your loved one has to move from assisted living to memory care and the guilt is just so evident and they're beating themselves up, a progressive disease is going to progress. You cannot feel guilty. About a disease process doing what it does, and so we have to name the guilt. We have to say. I sense that you are feeling a lot of guilt about this move, and I want you to know that you should not feel guilty. We can feel sad, we can mourn the loss of this last stage, but we can also do something to protect her. To respect her and to honor her safety and her dignity. I just named guilt because guilt will keep us stuck. Guilt will play and harm our psyche if we stay too long in that frame of mindset. And if you have a disease process that is progressive. This is just part of the progression. And if you didn't inject your loved one with the serum that gave them a dementia diagnosis or a progressive disease diagnosis, you don't have to feel guilty. But we do have to make plans that protect their dignity and their safety. And that's what we can control at this moment, and I'm here to help you control that. And here's what we can do that should restore control to somebody who's feeling very vulnerable, that should be able to say, here's why we can't keep her safe in this area, and we can keep her safe in this area. And here's what the steps that we're gonna do, and here's what you can expect from us. And then from that moment you go and you tell everybody else what they're gonna expect from us. This is how we overcome hard conversations that are driven by people who are in pain, by people who want to blame. By people who are avoiding making tough decisions. We wanna name what's true. We wanna restore control back in controllable ways and identify what isn't controllable. And we want to identify and define the boundary and the timeline because remember, responsiveness equals respect. Okay? And the speed to follow up. Care and problem solving is how much a family member feels that you care. And so being able to define the boundary and the timeline of when they can expect certain things is very important to the process of trust, respect, and growth in reputation and for the community. And in those hard conversations, This is what I feel is the best that we can do, the best for your loved one. If you feel like you need something different, tell me, let's talk about it, and maybe we can see how we can make the best decision together if this decision isn't the right one. Again, you're restoring control to somebody who's feeling out of control and very vulnerable owning your role. As the executive director, as the director of nursing, as the sales director, whatever it is, but owning your role is truly as simple as understanding what people need from you and giving them a place to advocate for it. Don't avoid those tough conversations. Allow a space, a safe space for them to advocate for what they need. Allow them to be vulnerable, understand what being vulnerable means about the blaming components, about the avoiding components, and help restore control and boundaries. Naming what's true as part of the process to work together to provide the best care and outcomes to the people that you serve inside those communities and through the sales process. It truly is a win-win for everyone involved. I think one of, one of the strong points of any executive director or director of nursing is to truly realize what people need from you. When you realize what people need from you, you can actually give that and then you can create more time. I mean, how many times have we been in relationships where people are doing everything they can, but it's nothing that you actually need. Those people are just spinning their wheels. I don't want you to spin your wheels anymore. I want you to see hard conversations for what they are, which is just communications. I want you to see behaviors for what they are, which is communications, and I want you to be able to see how you can own it, control it, and advise people through it. And that is the win-win because you grow in your leadership, you grow in your reputation, and the residents and the family members benefit from that growth. Recently I heard that someone doing a presentation, a TEDx talk, about how we think that art is about the outcome, the beautiful painting, the sculpture, the book, the presentation. But really the art is the process. It really is the becoming of you to get to the outcome. And so for every conversation that you avoid, every small fire that you walk around, everything that is building up and building up because you're not paying attention to it head on, is going to blow up and make a much bigger explosion. Then if you just sat in the discomfort of growing and becoming, and you realize that people being an advocate for their loved one. It's a great opportunity for you to learn how to own the hard conversations, develop the language of supporting and advocating and allowing people to see what's controllable and what's not. Because when people can see that, and we can help them avoid the uncontrollable and start focusing on the controllable, and that is how we grow. That is how we can restore leadership and ownership inside of our communities and restore time back to us to allow us to be present for ourselves and our families. Don't avoid the hard things grow because of them. And I hope that this episode gives you that perspective, confidence, that desire to grow through the process. That you are the art, and that the next steps, that everything that you have to give somebody is very, very important. So if this episode is important and you felt something from it. Give it to somebody else to listen to. Subscribe to the podcast. Think about joining my 100% leader program. I am available to speak at different engagements, one-on-one coaching, leadership, training, development for your companies or for yourself. Invest in yourself because you don't have to stay where you are forever. You can grow into the person who you wanna be, and that means being uncomfortable until you get comfortable in everything that you do. So know this, you are enough, this too shall pass, and that you can always aspire for more. Knowing that you're already enough, thank you for your time.