It’s Not a People Problem: The Capacity Shift Every Leader Needs w/Michele Magner

Senior living leaders are tired.

Not because they lack skill.
Not because they don’t care.
But because they are carrying too much.

In this episode of Aspire for More with Erin along with Michele Magner explores a powerful leadership shift: what if the “drama” in your community isn’t a people problem… but a capacity problem?

When leaders operate beyond their emotional capacity, everything feels heavier — escalations increase, communication tightens, and burnout accelerates. But when leaders become emotionally resourced, everything shifts.

This conversation, with Michele Magner from Inspired Caring, unpacks how to reduce friction, stop absorbing unnecessary emotional load, and lead with steadiness instead of reactivity.

If you’re a leader who feels like you’re constantly putting out fires, this episode will help you understand why, and how to lead differently.

Capacity isn’t soft. It’s strategic.

Find out more about Michele and Inspired CARING here: Inspired CARING

Michele Magner LinkedIn page

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Transcript

Erin 1:05

Today we're gonna be talking about a five letter word and that is drama. Drama. And we have Michelle Magner here who is the founder of Inspired Caring, which is an online family support and education support group. Support business program for families in every phase of the caregiving journey, and especially for those inside senior living, which is what we're gonna talk about today. But why are we gonna talk about drama? It's because I feel like the more drama we have in our communities. The less resourced our people may be, and our people could be any of the five key stakeholders. So we're gonna figure out why does drama keep showing up? And if you're just reacting to it instead of proactively trying to prevent it or solve it or resource people, then we may be the problem, which is something that we like to talk about is what gets in the way. Becomes the way. So most leaders think they have a people problem or a performance problem, and you might, and what if it actually is really a capacity problem, not a performance problem. So Michelle, welcome to the episode.

Michele 2:27

Thank you so much. I'm so pleased to be here.

Erin 2:30

Yes, Michelle and I go back few years we met at Think Tank. Should we tell people. Like we, we worked out in, at the gym at Think Tank, and then I only brought clothes for one day and I wasn't gonna go back, but she convinced me to wear dirty clothes and go back to the gym, which I was so thankful for. And dirty clothes. Well,

Michele 2:56

yeah, wear those dirty clothes, it doesn't matter. We were just getting our brains primed up for all the energy of the day.

Erin 3:03

Yes. And it's been a beautiful, supportive friendship ever since then. I mean, if you're gonna tell me to wear dirty clothes, then I guess you're gonna be a real person. You know? Let's do

Michele 3:13

it. Yeah.

Erin 3:13

You're gonna be a real person and you have built something that's really important. You have built a digital platform, a digital program to support families throughout the. Caregiving journey, whether it's making the choice to go into a community, making the choice to move to a community, move from a community, higher levels of care, whatever it is, and you see a lot of value to the community for this program, which is something that I want to dive into because, I have told people in some of my presentations that you're, more than likely the most drama and the most time suck and energy suck of being a leader inside of a community is when people's needs aren't being met.

Michele 4:00

That's so true.

Erin 4:02

So I'm gonna let you take it from there because you talk to these family members, and most leaders don't lack skill, right? We train them. But they do lack the capacity, whether it's time, energy, awareness, whatever that is. So when you hear leaders say, my team is the problem, or that families are the problem, based on your experience in supporting both teams and families, what does that really mean to you? what do you see underneath that?

Michele 4:32

The very first thing that comes to mind, Erin, is the reduce, reuse, Recycle logo. And I just think about our residents and our teams and our families and how interwoven we are in each other's lives in one of the most vulnerable, fragile times in people's lives. And, how dovetailed we are in what our mission is, which is to care for the older adult. And I think sometimes we get a little bit lost in that, that we take our eyes off. What our United mission is, which is caring for the older adult. So that's like the very first thing that comes to mind. And obviously these are, um. Slightly different topics. We're talking about what do the families need, and then also what do team members need? And just going back a little bit with families, when I was in my building, I would say in all my years in senior living, the hardest day of my career was walking the building March 13th, 2020. Mm-hmm. To ask people to leave the building. And the second hardest day was the day once we had established our processes and our protocols and we had, safety embedded in our community and our, you know, we knew if we had to bring our families back in. That was crucial. It was just absolutely critical. And it was also like the second hardest day because we had systems that worked and we were loving on our residents and, it's just. Such a hard, and I've been on both sides of this door, by the way. I've been a family caregiver to five different family members, four of whom lived in senior living communities. Wonderful communities, extraordinary care. But so I've been on both sides of this coin. Um, but it was hard to bring the families back because families bring in this added, these added layers of complexity. And, drama and frustration and, joy and, blessing as well.

Erin 6:37

Mm-hmm.

Michele 6:37

But, you know, for the team members that are listening, we've all, we can all picture those family members that we've had those interactions with we're, we're just like, oh my gosh, this person is really suffering and I just don't feel equipped to help them. And get them through this time. So that's really where Inspired Caring was born from. Just how can we get families? I, I like a root cause solution. how can we get families with better materials and information and stories and resources so they are connected and have what they need before they even hit the door. Um, and how can we help our team members with knowing how to. It's a little bit of an empathy bridge, but how to connect with family members in a way that's not personal if they're upset and to help them navigate this time.

Erin 7:30

Yeah, I believe that you, you bridge with your business, or at least help bridge, would be expectations, Drama is just a smaller word for expectations.

Michele 7:45

Isn't it funny how we move our loved one into the building and the building is so amazing and what is being offered feels, so nourishing and wonderful, and we have this idea that it's gonna change who my family member is. Like my father-in-law prided himself on being an old curmudgeon and he took that attitude right into the assisted living where he lived. Yeah. So I did not have expectations that he was gonna be participating in all of the offerings that the building had for him. I was satisfied'cause he was generally satisfied with. Having coffee with some guys in the morning, if that makes sense. Mm-hmm. Like we just have this strange expectation as family members, just because as the building, you've shown me this incredible calendar of things that are happening. that's just not gonna change who people are.

Erin 8:47

Yes.

Michele 8:48

It's, it's a misguided expectation. so I think it's really important from the family perspective to have a better understanding that. This is not a utopic society, like these are still human beings. Older adults are still human beings with their own trauma and background and personalities and character traits and things they enjoy and don't enjoy. And just because things are being served up to them does not mean that that's gonna change who they are.

Erin 9:19

No. And in fact, if they're coming from a place where they felt out of control to some degree in their home. Because they were depending on people to come and pick them up or to bring them food or whatever it is. Now all of a sudden you're putting them in an environment where they're saying, now you're gonna give a little bit of control back to your life. What do you thinks gonna happen? Control is gonna come back to their life. They're gonna get spunk on things. And I say that from a very personal perspective. my grandmother, was very much in control. Very much. In control.

Michele 9:53

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm not going to anything right now because I don't have to, because I don't want to. So that you're right. Absolutely. And I think it's a reminder also for team members. communication is just so critically important, as much and more than you can imagine. Um, but helping families with managing expectations.

Erin 10:14

Yeah.

Michele 10:15

To the best of their ability is really important. So for example, you know, just someone's daily schedule, if a team member knows that that person likes to sleep until nine, and the family member's insisting that they get up at 8:00 AM so that they have breakfast with a certain person.

Erin 10:35

Mm-hmm.

Michele 10:36

You know, that's where we need to make sure leadership feels equipped to have those conversations with family members about refocusing again. On what is our goal here together, it's to ensure the best quality of life possible for our residents. Mm-hmm.

Erin 10:51

Yeah. Yes. So when we talk about expectations and the different sides, family members, community, Why do we think, why do you think?'cause you get to see both sides. You worked inside of a community and your, and you're being able to coach and guide and mentor family members through this journey. Why does overload or unmet expectations show up as negative interactions like drama or conflict or reactivity? for the most part. It shows up in a very negative energy at the beginning. Yeah. Why do you

Michele 11:30

feel

Erin 11:31

that?

Michele 11:32

I think that when someone first moves into senior living, senior care, the family has this idea that we're gonna be able to do it the way they did it and, To the letter of the law crossing every t and dotting every I, just exactly the way they did it. And I think sometimes from the family perspective, there is room for opportunity to be open that maybe the way I was doing something wasn't necessarily the best way to do something or the way that my family member actually wanted it done.

Erin 12:09

Mm-hmm.

Michele 12:09

Um, the way we were doing things at home potentially. May have fit a different circumstance or criteria than what we have in the building. So I think just immediately, you know, I just remember so many family members being frustrated with either us not having made the bed or, um, making the bed a different way than how they made the bed. Um. And sometimes what would happen is maybe we did pull up the bedsheets and everything and then the person went to breakfast and came back and took a nap and then got back up and so we didn't make the bed the second time. So like we, you know, and it's just a reset for the family member. To help them understand like, what does a day in the life of a resident look like? I, that was a film I wanted to make when I was in one of my buildings. I thought that would be so amazing. Like a day in a life of a resident. Mm-hmm. Um, because it's just different than it was at home.

Erin 13:11

Yeah. Yeah. And if you are listening and are watching and nodding your head right now, stay with us because A, we know what we're talking about. And B, this is where I think the shift happens because this is what Michelle does. Like she resources, people like This is one of my, when we were talking about this, this was something that I thought was really, important, is that when we communicate. Our boundaries as a community and families communicate their expectations as a family, Then we can figure out where that middle ground is. And you know, you can say that that is, that's communication. But where Michelle comes in with inspired, caring is a lot more depth to that, which is resources. And when we talk about that negative energy and that conflict, and where's a lot of our time being spent, if we do a time audit. Is it in that negative energy that doesn't have to be there? we talk a lot about training and competency. That's not always what's missing. It could be the resourced family member to be able to take the lead. So you used the word resourced a lot. Mm-hmm. How is being resourced different from being trained or competent?

Michele 14:30

Yeah. I also want to thread through resourced team members, not just resourced family members. I think that's really important. So to me, trained and competent is knowing how to do a task and doing it efficiently. Like I know how to set the table, I know how we wanna make the bed. I know how to do the personal cares. we are in an emotional business. Senior care is an emotional. Business and to me, resourced is much broader. that encompasses like the six dimensions of wellness. We think about the six dimensions of wellness, which are like occupation, spiritual, emotional, I'm blanking on the other three right now. But, so being resourced is having the capacity to move between tasks and topics and feel like I have the information. Or know where to go to get the information to solve a problem. And I think sometimes we're training our teams on very specific daily tasks at hand, but they don't necessarily feel like they have the autonomy to make a decision or a call in the moment with a family member. Um, or they're not sure they're gonna be backed up if they say something to a family member. That, it wouldn't even be controversial. It's just they're feeling resource to make that decision in the moment. Like, I will check back in on them every 15 minutes, let's say.

Erin 16:05

Mm-hmm.

Michele 16:05

And then have that autonomy to actually do that instead of adhering to whatever else is happening. So I think that it's just really important when we think about resources, I think about like a toolkit. what's in your toolkit? And a lot of times maybe people are trying to use a hammer on all kinds of different parts of the project versus having a drill and a saw and a screwdriver. Different tools for different things that are happening.

Erin 16:33

Yeah. we all have hammers

Michele 16:36

and sometimes we're just beating on stuff trying to make it happen.

Erin 16:39

Yeah. Really? Because hammer doesn't take much skill, You just pick it up and you start whacking.

Michele 16:46

Yep.

Erin 16:47

But a drill does take skill, Yeah. There, there are other tools that takes a lot of skill and I do agree with honey, does get you more than vinegar. If you look at your resident in their community. That everybody loves and then everybody's taken care of. And it's like, not even anything that you have to monitor, you just see how this one resident attracts all this positive attention from people. Mm-hmm. And it's a, it's on different shifts, it's on different days. It's not, it's not just isolated.

Michele 17:24

Mm-hmm.

Erin 17:25

Figure out what that person is doing and then try to be that leader. Because that person, that resident is attracting the best from everybody else. And what I noticed on one particular resident was it was just a gratitude and appreciation for everything. everything. I mean, the simplest things and just grabbing people's hands and asking how the children were like, it is just that simple. But he had a lot of tools in his toolbox To get to the place of appreciation and gratitude,

Michele 18:01

Yeah. Well that, you know, what that makes me think of is, I mean, I love this idea of look at the residents, that it just feels easy and effortless and, and go a little bit deeper about what is happening around them in their lives. Who's involved? What skillset do the family members have or support and resources do the family members have and the team members who are caring for them? and see what can be applied with within other people. You know, somebody who is not feeling very grateful and maybe they snap or lash out or are upset on a regular basis. It's so rarely about us, right? Mm-hmm. It's so much more about this is an older adult on their own aging journey, and this is not what they thought their life was gonna be like. So many residents. person after person I spoke with was that I never thought I was gonna live this long. I never thought I would end. In a situation where I required this much care, we're just, we're in a whole different territory than we ever have been in 1960, the year 1960, the life expectancy was 52.2.

Erin 19:14

Oh my gosh, I didn't realize that. Wow.

Michele 19:17

Today it is 79 and it's because we didn't have ICUs. And, organ transplant and a lot of the medicine that we have today. So we're living longer than ever before. So I just found that if we can connect with our residents on a level, to really help give them purpose and meaning in their life day by day, that is gonna help with how they're showing up, daily in the building. But it's. It's hard. It's hard. Imagine the loss that so many people that live in our buildings have experience. They've lost spouses. They may have lost children, they've lost friends. Like it's, there's so much grief and purpose and meaning is always important at every age. So I love what you're sharing about, like look at the resident where it does feel effortless and it's flowing. And what's working there, and then how can we weave some of that goodness into everybody's lives in the building?

Erin 20:21

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Based on your work and getting to see families when they are not resourced and then they come into your program and then they're resourced, right? They're getting their resources. What got them to feel calmer and more supported and more open to the communication from the community? do you see a pattern in your work? Do you see like what. What that is or a specific study of it. what do you see

Michele 20:50

this, this starts like to wind me up like a Tasmanian devil. This question?

Erin 20:55

Yeah. Any girl.

Michele 20:56

Yeah. Because the thing that we have to remember is that family member members have often not gone through this. So the baseline number one thing that families struggle with is this normal? Like they. Have not necessarily had, even if they've cared for other people in their world, they don't necessarily know, based on what's happening today with this person, what's normal and what's not normal. And of course, like freaking, none of this is normal. It's just we haven't lived this long we have a system in place, but it was really designed for people to be living there for a much shorter amount of time. And we didn't have dementia as present, in our communities as much as it feels like we have it now. Well, it's just simply numbers and aging. So the very first thing families need to know is. Is this normal? And the response that I often give is, none of this feels normal. Mm-hmm. And there are definitely common denominators or there are definitely things that we do see that are consistent to help them just feel seen because they're just feeling so stretched thin. Um, they haven't been resourced up until this point. There has probably been trauma in the family with disagreements. Hospital stay. Other, arguments or frustrations, maybe there was a death that happened prior to someone moving into the building, so it's just so important to remember. they're in very new unchartered territory. Mm-hmm. So it. It's easy for us to slip into. This is just our day to day life in the building.

Erin 22:42

Mm-hmm.

Michele 22:42

And they're very, very freaked out about what is to come. We don't know how long any of this is going to last. How many years could this potentially go on? Like everybody wants that crystal ball of, do you, can you give me an estimate on when someone might pass away? And we just can't do that obviously. So a lot of reassurance, like families require an insatiable, insatiable amount of support. They just need so much communication at every change, at every decline, um, every step of the way that in reassurance that they are doing okay and they are doing a good job. And I always like to share, like nothing has gone wrong. Like that's a really interesting concept with the aging process and aging journey. Like nothing has gone wrong necessarily for them to have had to shift gears to bring more help into the home. This is just part of that journey. Nothing has gone wrong, specifically that is requiring them to move to a senior care community. Because that implies that aging is a problem that we can solve.

Erin 24:01

Mm-hmm.

Michele 24:02

And it's not. Mm-hmm. Aging is just aging and we're continually looking for the support and resources to help us at every phase of the way.

Erin 24:13

I cannot even count the amount of times that I have been asked that question. How long do you think she has or he has, or how long do you think we're gonna live here? And how long do you think they're gonna be before they have to move into memory care? And like all these questions that, I'm flattered. I am flattered that you think of me in such a informative and, and smart genius way. but I do not have those answers, nor can I pretend to have those answers. But what I can do, which I'm sure is what you do, is to help you identify what is controllable and what isn't.

Michele 24:50

Mm-hmm.

Erin 24:51

And that is a gift. That is a gift because. If we could focus a lot of time and energy on things that are uncontrollable and we feel failure, we feel uncertainty, we feel a lot of different things, but if we can focus on the things when you're resourced and we can focus on the things that we can control, all of a sudden you're gonna feel confident. Focused, and making a difference in somebody's lives. And I think too much, too many times we start focusing on, on all the wrong things. And you get me thinking about one of my favorite topics, which is changes. Situational and transitions are personal. And this is really where. Your work comes in because what you were talking about is families need constant reassurance. And it's because it is so personal. For us it's situational because it's just change. And there's got depending on the size of your community, 10 people walking through the same thing. That we have to, we lose sight of just how personal it can be for some people,

Michele 26:02

And the dynamics of their relationships and, you know, whether or not families agreed about that change occurring. I, in the first place, I talk a lot about the three Ws that. Can crush families or what, when and where, like what resources do we actually need? When are we going to be implementing those resources and where are those going to be happening? Is it in the home or are you moving into my building? you know, I think the question of how long is this going to go on for? Mm. Really hits home with what is sustainable. Like if someone is asking me that question,

Erin 26:45

yes,

Michele 26:45

that means that they feel like their life is in an unsustainable pattern or potential spiral. Mm-hmm. And so that's where we go back to what resources do you need in order to feel like you are, you can continue to slow jog this marathon. Because this is not a sprint, caregiving is a marathon.

Erin 27:11

Mm-hmm.

Michele 27:11

And so those resources may look like reaching out to that loved one's, congregation of faith and seeing if maybe there's a couple of people who could come visit once or twice a month. I think a lot of times one of the things that families are really just crushing themselves with is trying to be there so much be in the building so much, and so one of the things I really coach on is how are we building trust with the team so that the care is being provided and knowing that I don't have to go every single day or twice a day. To be there.

Erin 27:53

Mm-hmm.

Michele 27:53

Like if your loved one lived at home. And it's harder when it's a spouse versus an adult child. But like I currently, my dad's outta state, I visit him twice a year. My in-laws, when they lived in state, I visited with them once a week. Now once the transition to senior care occurred, sometimes there are phases where you are going more regularly, but they're developing their own lives. In that living environment. So our goal is to, to back off a little bit so that we have a more sustainable pattern in order for us all to really make it through in one piece. And I think about our team members, Erin, like what are expectations? Just to shift gears a little bit, like what expectations are we putting on our team members of what they're supposed to be accomplishing? During a certain chunk of the day, you know, we talk about resources and capacity. And capacity to me is really bandwidth. Like do we actually know how long it takes to do something and then are we actually giving our team members time to, to perform those tasks?

Erin 29:09

Mm-hmm.

Michele 29:10

I think is really an important question to ask. and teams are doing the most magical, extraordinary things in this building. And naturally it's easy for family members. And I'm shifting back to families that it's easy for family members to walk in and start kind of nitpicking on a few things that have gone wrong that day, when really so much more has gone well.

Erin 29:35

Yes. But that, that's the secret of life, right? Being able to see everything that's available, the right things and not the wrong, but it is true. And I like the words that you say. And if you're listening to this and you're looking for the language of how to tell family members how to often to visit and what, what your resident needs, and I mean, everything is a case by case basis, but Michelle gave a really good like language example to use. Like I never wanted, when residents moved into memory care, there was a time where it was, you wanna stay away for two weeks, right? There was a time where the whole industry was doing that. But really, for some family members of residents who are angry, you do look at a family member and say, can you handle this negative energy? And if you can't handle it, then you don't wanna add gasoline to it. So let's talk about this specifically. But others, it's like, we certainly wanna give her time or him time to acclimate here. And you have to be ready to answer the questions of why am I here and when are you taking me home? And those two things are very, very important to, to understand. I can monitor the situation and I can say, okay, they're ready. Are you ready? And that could be the next day. And if the family member is resourced. Then they're gonna be okay to come in the next day. I got this. I'm okay to cry walking out the door and I can stand firm while I'm in front of my loved one. You know what I mean? Like

Michele 31:14

yes.

Erin 31:14

Those are the things. And I think as leaders who are trying to support family members through this transition, that's very personal, these are the things that we have to think about because otherwise we're setting people up to fail and. We're gonna go back to that negative energy, that drama.

Michele 31:34

Absolutely. I mean, we, I spend a lot of time with my clients really talking through the feelings and emotions of discomfort. This, it's very uncomfortable to have a parent who you have just crushed yourself and miss so much work, and you've just gone above and beyond and you've worked tirelessly to find the right place for them to live, and then that parent is upset with you. On any level for any reason. That's really upsetting and it feels very personal and frustrating. and I think for families it's reminding themselves and team member, like all of us do things because we want to feel a certain way. Like when I wake up in the morning, everything I'm doing throughout my day is because I wanna feel a certain way.

Erin 32:26

Mm-hmm.

Michele 32:26

And when we move someone into a building and, and facilitated that transition, that change as quickly as possible, as the family member, I am looking for reassurance that I have done the right thing.

Erin 32:41

Yeah.

Michele 32:41

And that person is not gonna give it to you. I'm sorry. I'm willing to be the bad guy to share that with you. There's a lot of opportunity, potential for someone to say, thank you so much. This was beautiful. I'm so glad I lived here now, and that may come, but there's going to be a period of discomfort where we just unfortunately may have to be the bad guy. And so how am I emotionally resourced to be separated from that energy or those comments so that I can hear them but not absorb them?

Erin 33:22

Oh, yes. That's so good. So when families are resourced, leaders aren't absorbing that emotional load and. That's what you're saying, right? Like that? Yes. That, yeah. Because too many leaders are absorbing it. And I know that I was guilty of absorbing a lot of negative emotion until I realized I can look at it and observe it. I don't necessarily have to absorb it. And that only works sometimes because sometimes you do try, too much, absorb too much of that negative energy, which I think is.

Michele 33:56

Yeah, I mean, sorry to interrupt, but that's like the whole reason why we are in this business and why we have continued to grow into our leadership roles is because we care so much about people and we love people and we want to help them, and we're, we're doing our best. And it's very hard. I mean, can you imagine eight residents, 40 residents, 140 residents, 240 residents? One to two to 11 family members per person. The amount of emotions that are continually flowing towards leadership and towards our direct care workforce, it's a lot. A lot. It's just a lot. So having that ability to. Just offer yourself supportive thoughts throughout the day to help give you a little bit of a buffer. you know, I, someone said once we, we can be sincere, but not take it all so seriously. Like, let's be sincere, but not so serious.

Erin 35:05

Yeah,

Michele 35:06

I think that's, there's some value there. And you know, this is one of the reasons with the inspired caring program that I offer two buildings, it's, I've added a call for team members to come to Oh. So if they are feeling like they have a family situation that is just, has gotten kind of outta control or a little complicated, or it's just consistently hurtful or consistently frustrating, they can come to the coaching call. And we can talk through how to better equip the team member and some different strategies on how to better equip the family member.

Erin 35:43

Mm-hmm.

Michele 35:44

Um, because that was something that just kept coming up in my building every year I was on the satisfaction committees, the resident satisfaction committee, the team satisfaction committee, and the family. Members satisfaction. So they would do their annual, um, review of how things were going mm-hmm. And how to help these families was just always top of mind for the team members.

Erin 36:09

Yeah. And that goes to, again, language. I, I see a lot of patterns in, in my work that one of the big things that are in the way is a common language. Like leaders don't necessarily have the language. To put into words what families need to hear in a way they need to hear it. And I would say I didn't have a lot of language in the way that I was feeling and to put my words as a direct reflection of what I was feeling. And as I gotten out of the community, I understand how important language is because it does reduce conflict, whether it's conflict inside you. Conflict for you inside of you because of you, or conflict outside of you. and that is important in reducing the negative energy in that conflict. And so you are giving people that language and you see that it works.

Michele 37:09

Yeah, it a hundred percent works. And when. care partners are going through the video courses that I created. It has, given what I have heard, the feedback I have heard is it's giving them a common language like a mother daughter team who's caring for the dad. Um, it gives them a common language to use because I specifically have a client, she and her mother were watching the video, video. Courses and she said, I, she realized they were having very different experiences on this caregiving journey. If it's a daughter and a mother caring for the dad and husband, it's different. Mm-hmm. It's very different. Another thing that I talk about a lot are disarming neutral statements, like how can we both agree that something has occurred without pointing fingers or assigning blame or. Escalating the situation to a point where now everybody's in the executive director's office, so our goal is to have some disarming, neutral statements for when we walk through the door.

Erin 38:13

Mm-hmm.

Michele 38:13

Like even something as simple as, I agree this, it's really hard to watch someone that we care about decline.

Erin 38:20

Mm-hmm.

Michele 38:21

Like that's a pretty neutral statement, but that can help someone like take a breath before launching into. another explosive situation. So just coming together with, I agree. It's very hard to watch someone that we care about decline.

Erin 38:38

Well, it's a common language. It shifts that power struggle because it, I like, to me, I just looked at people as an advocate for their family. And if you know that the negative energy is coming from a loss of control, feeling like uncertain and just not knowing what to do, just feeling powerlessness, having that common language, that neutral statement.

Michele 39:04

Mm-hmm.

Erin 39:05

That's what I'm feeling. This is really hard, And then for me to know that they're just advocating now I'm helping them advocate. They're not necessarily attacking me. which is really important. It's really important to understand.

Michele 39:22

Yeah. That's so good. That's so good. Yeah. I think, I think about the families who come in just wanting very specific, unique things that we don't understand as team members. Like it just doesn't make sense why we

Erin 39:39

mm-hmm.

Michele 39:39

and it's not necessarily even something that the resident wants. And it just, it goes back to what you said, it's just about control. Like, they're just, everything just feels so out of control. So how can we focus on, something that, that is within someone's control?

Erin 39:54

It's like putting a chandelier in an apartment or a bode. I will never forget the first time a family member wanted to put a, a bidet, not a, a bidet in the toilet in the bathroom. And I'm like, what? Jesus.

Michele 40:10

Sure.

Erin 40:11

You know, I'm like, what is this? You know, I need to go see it. Like there's just all these things and who am I to tell them no if we can make it happen.

Michele 40:21

I mean, I love that Erin and I think about a client. Their dad moved into memory care and they came to visit one day and there was another man in their dad's bed. That happens in memory care. You know, I think that goes back to expectation management is to remind families that everybody in memory care is living with a dementia or a cognitive impairment. And so they asked for a lock on the door of their dad's room. Now their father had advanced dementia, so the lock on the door, you and I know it just, it wasn't going to produce the result that they wanted. Because the dad wasn't gonna know how to get in and out of the, like, it was just, it was not. And so it wasn't, but, and boy, that building did it. They did it. and it was like three weeks later, the daughter came back to me and said, I get it now. Yeah.

Erin 41:14

Sometimes you just have to walk through those things

Michele 41:16

with people. Yeah, but they were able to communicate the request to the building in a way that was calm versus enraged. Do you know what I mean? Yes. Because we were resourced. They were resourced, and we were walking them through the language to use with the building and how to have the conversation. And I always defer back to the buildings and what is their policy? What, what is it possible for them to do? So let's get clear on that. but yeah. Yeah.

Erin 41:45

That's a nice, really, it's a nice resource. as we wrap this up, I mean, truly, if you're a community and you're running and doing all these things, what a nice resource to have for your family members and for yourself. Because to me, the ROI of having inspired, caring as a partner is that. You have somebody who knows the business Yeah. Who's resourcing and giving a common language to family members so they can come to the community and advocate and speak clearly About what their needs are. and you see that work. You see that work all the time, don't you?

Michele 42:28

I see work all the time. Yeah. I, you know, families just. Again, require so much support and I really want to be that space where communities feel that they understand that I am on, I am on the team, older adult, like we're all on the same team. We've talked a lot about this hashtag same team.

Erin 42:51

Mm-hmm.

Michele 42:51

Um. So always referring back to the building and, and what is their policy and how do they do things, and what do they recommend, but then also just helping everyone feel calmer. We're so agitated right now in the world, in life on the daily basis. Everybody's nervous system is just in fight or flight. And the caring, it's an acronym to be calm, assess the situation, have resources, no intentions. Of the loved one and ourselves navigating each of these chapters and feeling grounded in who we are so that we can provide the best care for the people that we love. So I know it works. I've seen it work, and I am really pleased to come alongside business partners so that they can provide this to the families that they work with.'cause at the end of the day, at the end of the day, everybody wants to feel like they have done. Good by the people that are in their building, be the team members, the residents, the family members, they wanna feel like they're having an impact.

Erin 44:00

Yeah. And, and it, it, that just evens the playing field. And it makes me, it, to me, it further proves that communication, managing expectations and resourcing people really is a leadership strategy. And that does build the capacity of our leaders. Because what some people are doing now is not building the capacity of our leaders. It's tearing it down. It's just de layering the capacity instead of layering the capacity up. And, I, I believe this is an excellent way of supporting both the community team and the re and the residents and their families and what a point of difference that is in sales. A big point of difference that is in sales. All right, so we're here to build

Michele 44:49

each other up.

Erin 44:50

Yes. Tell us how they tell my listeners how they can find, more about you, she sure. And inspired caring.

Michele 44:58

So the website is inspired caring.com, and there's a tab on there that says business membership. So that gives people information. About what we've talked about today and, what's available to them. There's also a podcast Inspired Caring. That podcast is really geared towards those family caregivers, which you've been on the podcast. It's an amazing episode. Thank you for being my guest. And yeah, go to inspired caring.com and everything you need will be right there.

Erin 45:33

Yep. I think that. If you're listening and you are nodding your head and you are feeling as if, you were seeing what we're talking about and the discrepancies of family members who don't know and feeling uncertain, I think this is what I hope this episode is telling you is to resource your people better. I hope that you're not saying that I have to do better. I mean, we have to have a plan for resourcing our people, but it doesn't have to be you. And I think that a lot of people make that mistake that it has to be you. It doesn't, you just have to find somebody or something that can help you resource and train your key stakeholders to create more capacity. Because drama and that negative energy isn't always just a people problem. We believe that it's a capacity problem. We don't have the time to proactively communicate. We're reacting negatively, but we can resource our people from a proactive standpoint, and that is how we build the capacity of everybody, which is what we need, especially when we know that the world is on fire. because it certainly feels that way. So if you wanna learn more about how inspired caring, supports families, do what Michelle said, find her website, uh, find her on LinkedIn and Facebook as well. Um, and you can find out more about her. Thank you so much, Michelle, for your time. I appreciate it.

Michele 47:04

Thank you so much for having me. This, you're always a delight to talk with about our favorite subjects.

Erin 47:09

Yes. And it is Michelle with one L. And as always for you, thank you for listening, um, and spending your time with us today and always aspire for more for you. Knowing that you're already enough,