The UnlearnT Podcast
The UnlearnT Podcast is designed to help you gain the courage to change your mind about things you never thought you would change your mind about. Our hope is that you will begin to move towards a life of freedom after hearing stories from individuals who have chosen to unlearn some things in their lives.
The UnlearnT Podcast
Talks With Middle Adults: How NOT To Get Lied To On Valentines Day!
In this episode, we explore the complexities of relationships, discussing the valuable lessons learned at the kitchen table and the transformative nature of love. By unlearning outdated beliefs about chemistry, commitment, and conflict, we encourage listeners to engage with their partners in a deeper, more meaningful way.
• Discussing Valentine’s Day and personal stories
• The importance of honoring the sanctifying process of relationships
• Unlearning the notion that the best relationships are easy
• Differentiating between infatuation and lasting commitment
• Emphasizing character and alignment over chemistry
• Understanding the shift in dynamics when creating a union
• Encouraging full investment ('100/100') instead of transactional relationships
• Advising against adhering to outdated societal norms regarding love
• Highlighting the need for wisdom in navigating relationships
We invite you to engage with us on social media and share your thoughts on this topic!
what's up everybody? Welcome once again to the unlearned podcast. I am your host, ruth abigail aka ra. What's up, friends? It's your girl, jaquita yo, and this is the podcast that's helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom. And uh, yo, uh, okay. So, quita, I don't know what y'all see, but I see red.
Speaker 2:Quita says what she's wearing is orange, but we're gonna go with red this dress no no, no, no, no, no no no, okay, this dress is very much clemson orange, okay, as is my lip, all right, but if the camera wants to pull, it's okay, because we're celebrating a very special weekend here today, friends there you go A very special week where very special things have happened. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody Happy Valentine's.
Speaker 1:Week For all those who celebrate. There you go, you know, and it's not for everybody, and that's okay. You know, valentine's Day is not for and uh, everybody doesn't need to celebrate it. So if you don't celebrate, that's perfectly fine, but it is, you know, in the america the valentine, or is it the world? Is this like an international day?
Speaker 2:pretty sure, this is not an international holiday it's not okay I don't know, this is something the americans okay, okay, sure sure, sure, well, happy, happy valent Valentine's day to the Americans. And yeah, happy, happy spend your money, happy, spend your money on chocolate on the boo. Okay, ruth Abigail, do you have an interesting Valentine's day story, cause I do. Oh I definitely don't go ahead. Oh, okay, all right. Well, he might not like that I'm telling the story, but I won't mention any names. Anyways, worst valentine's day of my life, okay okay, let's go eighth grade.
Speaker 2:Okay, somebody in my math class asked me to be their valentine, who shall remain unnamed, right. And then we had a friend who had a birthday really close to valentine, who shall remain unnamed, right. And then we had a friend who had a birthday really close to valentine's day and she had a little party and there was a little dance, okay, and everybody was dancing and booed up and I thought I was gonna be booed up and then I wasn't, because my valentine's was booed up with somebody else. Oh, oh, okay. And then called me the next day to be like hey, you know, I just wanted to tell. By the way, call me, it's eighth grade, y'all so. And three-way had just came out, three-way was fresh in these streets. Okay, called me with, with the, with the homie on the three-way as his, no like yeah, had his.
Speaker 2:Had one of our mutual friends on the phone right, and we're all just sitting there. He's like. I just wanted to tell you face to face. You know that I'm now dating this new girl and you know we weren't dating, but I was just supposed to be the Valentine's. I'm now dating this new girl, ruth Abigail. You never heard this story.
Speaker 1:I know, but I'm trying to be the audience. I'm trying to be the audience, I know, I'm just trying to.
Speaker 2:You know, keep going, keep going, but anyways, and was like, yeah, but you know, the day before Valentine's Day, y'all he's like, yeah, so I'm now dating, I'm now dating this new boo, and so you know she going to be my Valentine's. But then the next day in before school with a bag full of all the stuff, he got the new girl and was like, oh, look, I got her a rose and look, I got her a teddy bear. And then he said but I didn't forget about you. Oh, he said I got something for you too. Now I want y'all in the comments to tell me how you would feel about this.
Speaker 2:After he showed me the roses and the bears and the chocolates and all of the things for this other person, he then pulls out that dusty bag of the sweetheart chalk candy Stop. Like a huge bag that he got from Walmart that you're supposed to share with the class, stop. He then pulls that out and says Happy Valentine's Day, jaquita Dang. I just want y'all to put it in the chat. How would you feel? Wow. So, anyways, today we're talking about relationships, yeah.
Speaker 1:Dang, that's crazy that's all right.
Speaker 2:It's all right. We're still friends actually, yeah yeah, yeah, really close friends that's beautiful. Yeah, you know, I love him. That's my brother. But again, I won't mention no names, but you know who you are absolutely hysterical. You know who you are and you know what you did. Wow, and I? I never ate not one piece of that candy dang. Wow, I looked at it in disdain as is your right, jaquita, as is your right, right, that's it. If you ask somebody to be your valentine's, follow through, saints follow through.
Speaker 1:Don't hook up with the person to after valentine's day. I'm not the same. You sacrifice. You know what I'm saying. Like, sacrifice it for a day or two, you know what I mean. Do it then, but don't do a day before. That's a pro tip, it's trifling, it's terrible, okay.
Speaker 1:So, yes, we are talking about relationships and, um what we have unlearned about relationships. Now we're talking about relationships and um what we have unlearned about relationships. Now we're talking about romantic relationships that we were just discussing that with Valentine's day, or potential ones, but um, uh, but, uh, uh, but it, this is all kinds of relationships, right? So, like you know, romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships, any kind of relationship, and what we've had to unlearn about these relationships from the kitchen table. Again, when we say kitchen table, we talk about, um, how, what you learned growing up from either your family, uh, your community or general society, um, and so that's what we're, that's what we're gonna get. And yeah, this is interesting because I think that relationships is always a it's always a hot topic. It's, it doesn't matter what time of the season, because we, as humans, are relationship centered, like we thrive off of relationships, so it is always going to be a hot topic for humans and so um, I don't think it's really possible to understand yourself outside of relationships.
Speaker 2:I agree, not fully, like you can know everything about who you are, but until you understand and know how you relate to other people, you don't fully know yourself, I agree, and so I think that we grow and we're healed through relationships. Sometimes, we're broken through relationships, but we're also healed through relationships. So it's a. I think that's why it's so present. It's always at the top of our minds because it's the active way that we understand ourselves in the world.
Speaker 1:So with that I'm going to share and I actually shared this on the last Freedom Friday. This was kind of the core thing that I was talking about but I had to unlearn that the best type of relationships are easy, um, that the best best type of relationships are easy, um, and that, to your point, uh, queda, um, we don't know ourselves outside of relationships, but part of getting to know ourselves in that, in the context of relationships, that process doesn't unlearning that, that process is meant to be easy to get the best result. Um, the best relationships are sanctifying and that, and so you know that is a, that is a religion, religious, churchy word. Essentially they're, they make you, um, uh, uh, make you more pure, more right, more refined, right, that's the idea of sanctification, and so the best relationships make you more refined as a person, and being more refined doesn't always feel good. In fact it can be, it can be painful, because the process of being refined often requires some level of heat, tension or chipping right, and so that that's that, and so I think I've had to unlearn that.
Speaker 1:Um, you know, we kind of grow up, we've, we've grown up, most of us have grown up in a, in a society where, um, it's, you know you want things, it should, you know it flows. Things are easy, you know they just get me, you know what I mean. Like they just I just understand we just have all this and it's like that's great and that's that's. That's a good thing and that should be a part of the best relationships. But I think we've gotten to a point now where if there is, if there's pushback or tension or any kind of like, if there's pushback or tension or any kind of like disagreement, sometimes, even especially today, then it's a perceived like oh, this might not be for me, and I think we have to unlearn that. What do you think?
Speaker 2:I think that's really good. Don't realize how much how selfish we really are and how self-centered we really are until you give yourself over to that, to the sanctifying process of relationships. You know I as a single woman, I am making a lot of decisions that only impact me and so I only have to consider how I feel about it. I was telling somebody earlier this week you know I'm in the process of doing it's a lot going on that we'll update you guys on soon. There's a lot going on over here in the Ross household of one. But I was telling somebody that you know it's only February and God has so much more time in this year to do amazing things and blow our minds. And it is easy to make a decision off of your right now and not consider what God may do later. And I keep, I keep, I keep experiencing this thing where I'm stressed and worried about something and the Lord tells me I'm not worried. That's not my experience and I think a lot of times in relationships you can really get caught up in how you feel and how you're experiencing something and not realize that in a relationship you are having to weigh your feelings, your perspectives, your ideologies against that of someone else's as well, and you, uh, I watched a podcast where it said the two shall become one, and that becoming process that is what is. This is the sanctification right here. It's where you are rubbing up against me and you're making me better, and I'm rubbing up against you and making you better and we're becoming one.
Speaker 2:And so the becoming is going to require refinement, because me and Ruth Abigail, we have a theme scripture for our friendship. It's just who. We are All right, and we realize that we're two very different people who, if we don't, if we didn't learn the art of sanctification in our friendship, we would not be friends. Amen. Like we both would have went in opposite directions If we, if we didn't both give in and concede to the fact that Ruth Abigail is going to make me better because she's going to point out things that I don't naturally look at and that I don't want to pay attention to, things that I don't naturally look at and that I don't want to pay attention to and that I don't always think is as important as she does. If I don't give into that, I'm going to walk away from this friendship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and vice versa.
Speaker 2:That's right, yeah, yeah, vice versa, girl. I was pretty Okay. All right, I dare. Ruth. Abigail had to put up with more for me than I had to put up with I dare say that's correct I dare say, I dare say, especially in, like my super saved years, I'm still super safe, oh okay, but I got sanctified, I got sanctified in it and I don't think, you know, I think that that's something.
Speaker 2:I think that people think sanctified means sanctimonious okay, that me being more sanctified means that I appear and I show up more holy and more righteous. That's good in a way that is um churchy. Yeah, you know, I think people think sanctified equals churchy.
Speaker 1:Or arrogant, or like you know yeah, or like untouchable, right, right.
Speaker 2:Sanctification is really humbling because it is the realization. The real process of sanctification will bring you to the point where you realize, one, I'm not as good as I thought I was, that's right. And two, I can't do it without the Lord and without the people he supplied me with 100%.
Speaker 1:That's sanctification.
Speaker 2:Sanctification is when you're talking about being put in the fire and all your dirt and stuff, all your impurities coming to the top. You got to face that stuff. It doesn't just get wiped off. And now you're like now I'm perfect. It gets wiped off and you're like I am capable of having darkness inside of me, of having dirt inside of me. That's right, and all of this can happen again. You don't get refined. And then you're like oh, and I'm good, I'm good, I'm forever good, I'm forever good. I never have to see that fire again. The Lord's like no, I made the surface good for this season, but you will go back. Let me tell you something. Middle adults, y'all know it. Okay, we, you thought a process was done and that last time you were going to have the experience that level of sanctification.
Speaker 2:No you're going to end up back in that fire. It's seasonal. You got a season of fire and a season of rest, so whichever one you're in, be glad they're in, but realize that fire is coming back, because there are always ways again, especially in relationships, that we can be made better.
Speaker 1:Well, and just to tag that, just as we, and then I'd love for you to share, you know yours. But, like you know the, what you just described also was just the relationship with God. So, like also, the relationship with God isn't going to be easy because of that Right. And so I think we grow up, I'll say I think I grew up believing that my relationship with God should be easy if I do everything right. That's not true, because, first of all, I'm not going to do everything right and, secondly, what I see is right is not always God's right.
Speaker 1:And so that process of understanding, that is part of that fire and I think it works both ways's it? It kind of it works both ways right, Vertically and horizontally, to God, your relationship with God and your relationship with other people. It is, it is a sanctifying process and it will refine you, and it will refine you over and over and over and over again. And so, yeah, I just, I think that was, I think that was good. Okay, what, what? What is it that you've had to unlearn from your kitchen table?
Speaker 2:Um, I think something that I really had to unlearn was that relationships required me to sacrifice my right to have needs and to be present in those relationships. I think that I, in every relationship I got in, I kind of tested out who that other person was. And when I say relationships, I'm talking friendships, I'm talking family relationships. I judged how I was going to show up in a relationship by what that person was asking for or needing. And so I went into every relationship saying, okay, what can I do for them that will make them want to be in a relationship, friendship, family, ship with me? What, what, what can I provide, what can I give, what can I sacrifice that will make this relationship work? And I think I did that through my teens, I think I did that through college years, I think I did that through my early 20s, and that was kind of the way that I built relationships. I went in saying, hey, what do you need? Who can I be for you? What can I give?
Speaker 2:And I remember I would tell people and it can be something so simple I would be sitting down watching a movie with a friend and they'd be like what do you want to watch? And I was like the little girl off of Coming to America. Whatever you like, yeah, yeah, you know well what you want to do this weekend. Whatever you like, yeah, and you know. And it got to a point and I would tell people oh yeah, I'm not picky, I'm not high maintenance, I don't have any preferences. You know, I'm go with the flow, I can do whatever anybody else is doing. But I really had to get to a point where I was like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, because you're about to get lost and nobody is even nobody's even going to know how to find you, because they don't really know you no-transcript.
Speaker 1:We feel like we are creating an environment where we'll never be alone by doing what you just said, but the truth is it's the loneliest place, because nobody really knows you.
Speaker 2:Nobody really knows you, and I think it's not only lonely, it is. There is a part of you that knows that, right, like it's not just that nobody else really knows you is that you haven't given yourself the chance to really know you. And so when people like those, when people ask me questions about myself and I don't know or something that kind of went to the tune of whatever you like, that was my genuine, authentic answer and I will tell you the honest truth. Some of it was because I got a little bit of the perfectionist in me, okay, I got. It's a little bit of her, just a little bit of her roaming around in me, okay, but I got.
Speaker 2:So I got so caught up in the fact that I had to perform, that I had to be this person that I thought everybody was depending on me to be, are expecting me to be, especially in, like, church world. Right, like I. I ran everything through the what will, what will the people think if I do this filter? You know like, what will the people think if I do this filter? You know like what will the people think if I say this or if I act this way? Now I am who I am Like you know, like, and so you know I'm not inauthentic, but I had to learn, like, how to make decisions that may not have been popular and they weren't even a big deal, but the pressure I was putting on myself to be who I thought other people were trying to get me to be was preventing me from being exactly who I am.
Speaker 2:And and allowing, and, and God can perfect who you're trying to be. That's right. He has to be able to see you, and then he can, and then you can hear the Lord on. This is what I'm requiring, instead of always trying to figure out what people are requiring.
Speaker 1:How did, how are you? How are you managing moving away from that?
Speaker 2:Um, I don't think you want to know the honest truth. I had to sit down and this is what really grew my relationship with the Lord and grew it past I'm a member of the church, you know. Grew it past, you know, I believe you know, and grew it to. I trust, I love, I hope, and really placing all of me in God was when God started to tell me who I am. God started telling me the stuff that nobody else was telling me about myself. Okay, right.
Speaker 2:And I remember there was a time I sat down on the couch and I was I mean, I was probably about this close to a level of depression in my life. I don't think I was depressed, but I think I was about that close, like one more straw, and I'd have been over that hump, right. And I remember I was sitting on the couch and the Lord told me Jaquita, write 10 things you love about yourself. And I got a piece of paper out and I wrote three and they were real basic. I was like I'm smart, I'm funny, I love people, and that was all I had. That was all I had and the Lord began filling my list because he began showing me who I was.
Speaker 2:You know I would wake up and I would hear God saying you know you're a teacher, you know you're an intercessor, you are in this part of the five-fold ministry. You are, you have these gifts. You can do this right, you're really good at this. And the Lord started affirming me and what I was looking for people to do, which they never really did, what I was looking for people to do. I allowed God to do that in my life and it opened up a realm of my understanding and experience that really allowed me to grow, not just in relationship with God, but it helped me to love who I am.
Speaker 1:How many do you think you can write today?
Speaker 2:Oh child, I think you know that's such a funny question. You know cause? It'd be like girl, I can write a book about you there's too much. There's too much, you know. I think that I, I think that I can write the things that I appreciate about myself and I can celebrate those things. I think the point wasn't you know, write down all your good qualities. It was. What are you celebrating about the life that I gave you?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And I think I could write a book about celebrating god's goodness that's good, quita, that's good.
Speaker 1:So the reason I asked that, um, well, because I'm, I'm, I want to, I want to switch gears. Since it is it is valentine's week, let's talk a little bit about the like, specifically about, you know, romance, you know that kind of thing. So, um, I'll kind of combine two into one. Um that I think, relate to the importance of what you just said, of um, understanding and celebrating who you are and celebrating what God says about you and not what others, not what not looking for others to do it. Um, and so two things that I feel like I've had to unlearn about relationships is, um, that I had to unlearn that, uh, chemistry and compatibility are the most important things, are the most important things.
Speaker 1:Commitment and character are so, but that's hard, because we have grown up in a society that says chemistry, how it makes, how they make me feel you know, you know how we, how we connect, right, those kinds of things. You see that in movies, right? Those kinds of things. You see that in movies. I mean, every single Disney movie gave you that it's so funny because, no, there's no Disney movie that explores what happens after the first kiss Hold on, or very few, Right? No, no, they really don't. It's the that's the climax.
Speaker 1:Cinderella ended Snow White ended with a kiss, aladdin, you know.
Speaker 2:Sleeping.
Speaker 1:Beauty ended with a kiss, it's all. It's all. Like you know, I mean, aladdin has sequels though. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but but come on, let's be real. I mean, who's really checking for, you know, return of Jafar, you know, okay, I, I mean, you know, we watch them but we don't really remember them, right, but like I think that that it's, it's, that's the climax, the connection, the chemistry, right, and so we kind of we. Thank you, joy. I'm sorry producer Joy is in the chat now, she did know.
Speaker 1:You know, princess, and the frog did start with the kiss and it went sideways, but I don't think we really got into the depth of their relationship right after it got, after it got serious right disney is not like hey, we want to show y'all marriage, no, we want to show you the love story yeah, like and and and, really what leads up to the love story, because the love story doesn't start until the end of the movie. And I think, and and truly like, because I don't. You can't test love without commitment. Right, wait a minute. Yeah you can't you can't test love without commitment, and so we've been ingrained in this society. I think I want y'all to write that down you can't test love without commitment.
Speaker 1:Somebody needed that amen, it's the truth. I mean, you know, but but you grow up and you assume that the chemistry is the climax of love, and so it's just not. You know, I'm saying like it's just not let me tell you.
Speaker 2:This was another thing I want y'all to write down uh, uh, like slash, love ain't enough. It ain't enough. Stop getting caught up with these people because they said I like you and stop waiting like y'all be making I love you. Like the last barometer, like yeah, that's it, he's right, he loved me. So you know. Yeah, I know he don't tell girl. Let me tell you something, and this is something I don't think that middle adults fully realize the men changed somewhere along the line the things that we saw and that we were taught. I I'm sorry, I don't want to just come down on men, but it's two women on this podcast.
Speaker 1:It's true.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but it's something, something changed, because it used to be growing up that if he introduced you to his mama, like that was it. You know what I'm saying. Like you were in there, okay, and the, the, the parental introduction going to the house, okay, y'all about to walk down the aisle tomorrow.
Speaker 2:That's it Now, baby girl they be. Mamas is down with it, okay. Mamas is out here playing the game. Mamas is out here, like all right. What's her name? Again, baby, tell me before she come. Okay, susie, all right, hey, baby, and she will make you feel loved and appreciated knowing that somebody else is coming next week or knowing that she not going to approve of you. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:That's real.
Speaker 2:You know, I think the, I think some of the barometers that we learned at our kitchen tables.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's changed Right.
Speaker 2:It's changed. The goalpost has moved. Let me tell you something the game has changed. That's true. The game has changed and I don't think the middle adults nobody gave us any warning, like nobody told us that the things that our parents taught us and that you know people who were in their 40s and 50s, nobody told us that, hey, that stuff don't really work no more, like you know. Like when people like oh lord, I'm sorry I ain't no, no, but you know, as a single middle adult.
Speaker 2:You know the stuff the saints want to. They got the advice. You know, and I know y'all understand all my single middle adults. All right, I know y'all with me. I want y'all another thing.
Speaker 2:Y'all put in the chat name a piece of advice that you've gotten, that you're like this is outdated. Yeah, that's real. This ain't no longer it. You know, like the whole like, oh, you know all you, if you just stop thinking about them, that's when they'll come. I think when they said that to us at 28, they thought that they would be here by 30. Sure it was. They're gonna stop thinking about them by 30, at about 35.
Speaker 2:They stop giving advice because they realize it's all, that's all the stuff that worked for your generation. Yeah, that's not the stuff that. And then you know they get. They get real persistent. You know they're like the bible says he who finds you ain't supposed to be out there looking. Okay, and I get that and I'm with that. I want to be found. Yes, okay, but y'all are not encouraging us to go out and be findable there. Y'all, y'all sit in the house because your mama, your daddy made that boy come to the front porch. Yeah, okay, so that he can meet you and in court. Yes, that's not happening. There's nobody gatekeeping my front door right now.
Speaker 2:Yes, there's nobody and y'all also married people.
Speaker 1:Y'all went to high school with yes, also true, there's a lot of things. There's a lot. You said, quita, there's a lot. You said, okay, like, well, that's true, we don't live in a world where proximity is the number one connecting point for relationships anymore. Like it's well, let me not say it's not number one, it's not, it's one of many.
Speaker 1:So you know, it did used to be that way, and so those types of platitudes, if you will, like, you know, don't think about it, he'll be there, all that stuff. It's not that it's not true. It's just that there was a time where we understood how that happened, because there wasn't a whole lot of ways for it to happen. I mean, quite frankly, that was the way it happened is proximity. We went to school, college, you know, my people, that what, how else we do this? Go work, right. But now we're connected all over the globe. We're connected like crazy, and so you can meet somebody random, like I did, quite frankly, right Online and no connections to anybody, don't know each other, don't know anybody that knows each other, and you just, and you find each other right.
Speaker 1:So that's just the world we're living in and we, we just have to be aware that, um, even more aware that it is commitment and character that are going to make it work, and not not the what it feels like when y'all come together Right Like that. That is, and I think we have to. We got to unlearn that because the way we grew up and the expectations we grew up with are no longer the case, and so what ends up happening is a lot of people really they do fit really well with people and they are high chemistry and it looks like, but we don't pay attention to what we don't see. We don't pay attention to what we don't currently feel. You don't think about what happens when you stop feeling that way. What happens when you stop feeling that way about each other? Are both of you committed to remain without the feeling? That's?
Speaker 2:real. Wait a minute. Ruth Abigail dropping gems. I hope y'all catching up because she dropping them. Thank you, that's yeah, I'd like to make a book recommendation and this book really helped me to realize everything you just said. Okay, it's called the Sacred Search by Gary Thomas. He also has a book for married friends, the Sacred Marriage, okay, but the Sacred Search talks about I. He mentions it somewhere in every chapter, like in every chapter he has the statement infatuation, which is that feeling of connection and that kind of way up high feeling.
Speaker 2:you have that like, oh my God, this is just so amazing that infatuation makes you vulnerable and stupid.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:It says it just like that. Okay, infatuation, and that it is temporary. That's right, and it doesn't matter how long it lasts. Initially you may feel really good because your stage of infatuation lasted for 12, 16, 18 months and you may think that you're going to stay on that high. But eventually you will come down. The hormones and the endorphins in your body that are convincing you that this is the thrill of a lifetime and that this level of chemistry will last forever and ever, those will wear down.
Speaker 2:And one day you're going to look at the person's socks that they left in the middle of the floor? Are you going to look at the dishes that they left in the sink? Are you going to look at them snoring in the bed next to you and you can't get no sleep.
Speaker 2:And all of a sudden, infatuation will break and that's when what Ruth Abigail is talking about you have to decide what parts of their character and what parts of their perspectives and their worldview. Because character I think character we think about are they morally righteous, like are they going to do the right thing, right? But even that's not enough. You need character, you need to be aligned in your views on finances on raising kids on keeping a home on.
Speaker 2:You know, are we going to make risky moves? Are we going to play safe things? You guys need to be aligned, not the same. You need to be aligned and going in the same direction. How can two walk together unless they be agreed? Right and so, instead of focusing on and you know I understand the movies jacked us up. Right and so, instead of focusing on and you know I understand, the movies jacked us up. Yeah, last night I was really close to watching the notebook, but then I realized how much it jacked me up. Man, look, that's one that's a good one, cause, yes, it did. Yeah, we used to be in college. I was telling my mentee, we used to be in college and we used to sit there and all watch it together and cry and be like this is the most beautiful uh boy ever and this is what I want, baby ain't. No, they not doing that. No more. These men don't even know how to build houses.
Speaker 2:No more that man that man did a whole house for her out on the lake. All right, you not getting that house, all right, you got to get you know somebody that's gonna be able to buy you a house, because they're not building them. No more, I cannot um, uh, I say.
Speaker 1:Another one that messed us up was love of basketball oh, man, you know I love loving. I know that's my movie. That's my movie now that's my movie. You know, I love that movie I love it, but we got to be honest highly toxic, highly toxic, um, you know, highly toxic. Toxicity, you know highly toxic.
Speaker 2:Toxicity at an all-time high. I'm telling you man Because there ain't no way you came back and took that man from Tyra Banks. Okay, over a basketball game? No, and not even a full basketball game.
Speaker 1:Y'all went to five points, that's not real, like it's like that stuff doesn't happen, right? No, like like you gotta get that out of your head and stop looking for it. I also think you gotta stop looking conflict will happen because you're different. You're trying to make each other better. Don't look for conflict and say that's love, like I think that's two different things. Conflict is is is um, conflict is is is natural in a sanctifying relationship. But sometimes we look for conflict because we think I got to have conflict with this person in order to have love.
Speaker 2:But okay, a couple of things. One conflict we learn to deal with conflict at the kitchen table. We do, you know, in our home of origin.
Speaker 1:Yes, you learn how to deal with conflict and you learned your response to conflict right.
Speaker 2:It's not even that you are doing exactly what your parents doing. You are doing what you learned and how you responded to what you saw your parents doing, right? So if in your home, conflict was at an all-time high and people were always yelling at each other, you might be really quiet and withdrawn because that was your response to what you saw. So you may not. You may think, oh, I'm doing this really differently because I'm not doing it the way my parents do it and you're in relationship setting rules Like, hey, we're not going to yell at each other. I don't believe in yelling at each other. I believe we can talk to each other in quiet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Relationship and it's not even that you're not right in your approach is that your approach is coming from an unhealed place that you haven't dealt with, and so a lot of times we bring these ideologies into new relationships and we try to make it work, and then we get discouraged because our unhealed parts don't work the way we think they will. It's never going to give you the result you think it will. Um, but I also think so. One we learned those in and how we and what we saw at our kitchen tables growing up. Um, I also think that we put these unrealistic expectations right on relationships, that you know that that we're just going to float through them you know, like right, and no, no, no, um, I and this, this is.
Speaker 1:I'll say this and then quit out. Uh, I think yours, that you have on this, is really good. I think it's important to talk about like um, but with that, like it's not, it's not about floating, it's about working, it takes work, like, so something, we, we, we talk about the one, right, and we all do. We all want to talk about the one. I want to find the one, you know the one, the one, the one, and I know there's plenty of people.
Speaker 1:I think we've gotten to a place where it's like, you know, I don't believe in the one, you know, there's true, but if I could surmise, uh, we are the one, the idea of the one is still so ingrained, even though philosophically we can, you know, kind of argue that that doesn't, that probably isn't the right way to think about it. It's what we grew up with, it's, it's the idea of it, and and so we have. There is a process to unlearning that, the, that the goal is to simply find the one. I would say the goal is to be prepared to work with the one that you get now, because that is way more important than finding the right one.
Speaker 1:Even if you find him or her, for our guys, okay With if you find that person, absolutely Shout out, shout out to our guys, you, you, the. The finding part is is literally step one, and now the rest of your steps are about working because you can find that right person and lose them because you don't commit it to work. Wait, say that again you can find that right person, you can find a person who's right for you but it feel wrong, or, and you lose them because you lack commitment to work on the relationship my lord right, my lord yeah.
Speaker 2:No, I think that flows kind of right into the point. The next thing I had on my list was that I had to unlearn this ideology that relationships are 50. 50. Yeah, and I think you know this is it's a hot topic right now. You know everybody, that's like one of the first things people ask you on a date. Like that's one of their questions, like what do you believe? But really that subscribes to this idea that all I have to bring to the relationship is my little 50, you know, and.
Speaker 2:I don't. I don't have any responsibilities outside of what I thought my role in a relationship would be Right. And so it puts you into the mindset of I have a role to play in this relationship versus the we are a becoming and we are working to do this versus this. Yeah, this is what people are doing when they say 50-50. They're saying we're going to walk side by side with one another and try to make it work. No, when you really integrate your life with somebody, you are going to have to do the work. You're going to have to do things outside of your own relationship expectations or outside of what you thought your relationship is going to look like.
Speaker 2:Right, and I watched as people who had that 50 50 mentality growing up. They would look at their partner and say you're not holding up your part, right, like you're not doing what I thought you were going to do and you're not fulfilling the expectations that I thought a husband or I thought a wife was going to do in this relationship. But when you agreed, when you agreed to be married and to join together in holy matrimony and become a unit, a union right, when you did that, you said that you came in desiring to become one. That's what it is. That's a union. It's not a partnership. There are elements of a partnership to it, but you are a union, you are a unit, you become one, and so that means you're going to have to do more. There may be a time where your partner's only given 20.
Speaker 2:That's it, you got to pull up, that's right, you got to be like, hey, I got this.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right. And then there has to be a mutuality there, there has to be a give and take, your role in your relationship. We were all taught, okay, middle adults talking women, talking men. Women were taught that to be a wife, it meant to, you know, do certain things, and to be a husband meant to do certain things Right. But now we have women who are are, uh, making more money than men. Yeah, what does that mean for our levels of relationships? Yeah, now we have women who have more education, right. And and I don't believe I don't, I don't ascribe to the ideology that just because I have this degree and that degree means that I have to also have somebody who is equal in every way to what I've done or what I have Right. But when we talk about a union right, they have to have, you have to be able to acknowledge, respect, adore, appreciate who your partner is and what they're bringing. And the roles might be very different than what you imagined.
Speaker 1:Yeah, this 50-50 thing bothers me, has for a while. One of the most helpful things that I've heard is that it's never 50-50. It's 100-100 for exactly what you just said, because I don't always have everything to give, but if both people, if both people are committed to giving 100% every time, then when I'm not able to give 100%, you're able, it will equal 100%, right? The other thing that I've always loved, that I've loved people say is one of the best ways to enter into a relationship, um, is to try to out serve the other, like so, always, always seek to out serve your, your partner, right, um? And if you both are doing that, you both are served all the time. And it's not a 50, 50, it's not a give or take, it's not transactional. The minute we start thinking this 50, 50, um is, is the minute we, uh, I think, give ourselves permission to um, give ourselves permission to move on our own, which is not the definition of a, which is, which is not a, a marriage. So, like I just saw this clip I do not remember who did it, maybe you saw it too Somebody asked the question like what can a wife do that a girlfriend can't?
Speaker 1:The question like what can a wife do that? A girlfriend can't? And and she went down this list and she was she was on it, like you know, and I'm not going to try to do it because I'm not, I don't. Whatever anointing was on her in that moment, and that's. I do not have it right now, so I'm not going to try, but she hit every nail on the head, and one of the things, though, that I was reflecting on afterwards was you know, and you've done, you've done this motion twice, and so it's like I, I feel like I just need to, I need to, I have this, I got to do that.
Speaker 1:So, when you come together with somebody, just in a, in a, in a committed relationship, it's not marriage and a committed relationship. This is why marriage is so important, I think, and to understand I won't say it's so important, I do believe it's important but why you have to understand the difference. You could be as committed as possible, but what this does, regardless, right, growth and progression and change is always going to be a part of any relationship. When you are not married. This is what happens.
Speaker 1:Okay, if you're not watching the video, you can't see what I'm doing, but I have two hands together like praying hands, and so what happens in a relationship is one person could easily move away from the other one. It sometimes it's very subtle. You don't even realize that it's happening, right, um. And so there is a. It's like oh, I got to catch up, right, okay. So this person and then we're doing this, that's okay, that's part of a committed relationship. Here's why it's different than marriage. Marriage, like Queda has done a few times, brings you together like this marriage like quita has done a few times, brings you together like this, like, uh, you're interlocking, yeah, that when I move, I can't move without the other one.
Speaker 1:It's not possible, right? So, like I, I have to. I you gotta know that that is very different than here. I'm moving on my own and you might need to catch up and we might need to get back in the same place. Versus you're together. When I move, you automatically move, sometimes, whether you want to or not, because if we are truly one, then the work is how do we move together as one? Because I can't just move on my own, because whatever I do automatically impacts you in a way that it didn't before we were married, even if even if you're it's very.
Speaker 1:it's a even if you're in a committed relationship, even if you're in a long-term committed relationship, like that is the reality. Marriage shifts it. It's a different thing, because the commitment is not just in the. You're not committing to just be together, you are committing to become one and you're committing to become something that's never existed before. Okay, Girl.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, cause I just told somebody that I'm sorry, go ahead, I am in. No, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah I told somebody that when, when we talk about the two shall become one, and the Bible talks about how that is a mystery like that, the two becoming one is a mystery, that that's not something that, like you, can really fathom in your mind. I say it is as if God is making a new creation and you have to see your marriage, your union, as this is something that God has put together. That is his creation. And, just like you know, you spent time understanding who you are and all of like how I was telling you how I had to spend time with God, learning myself, learning who I am, learning the goodness of God in my life. Like you, will have to spend that same amount of time in your relationship, learning you guys as a unit.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's right.
Speaker 2:And it is not just a. You know I'm in a space of self exploration. Right, you don't get to do that separate from the union.
Speaker 2:No, that's right you are doing that as part of a union, that's right. Right, you're doing that as part of a new creation, yeah, and so you have to check with the creator and say, how does this fit? That's really good, and that's why there's now a three-strand cord. Yeah, that's right. It's what's working for me, what's working for them, and what is God tying it together with right? Because it is a new creation and you're absolutely right.
Speaker 2:It is so easy to just dip out when you not, you know you might cry a few tears. You know you might, you might, you might release you, might you might be like this was really hard to walk away from this five-year relationship, but you didn't have to move with that person. Yeah, there was nothing, there was no covenant establishing that you had to. Yeah. And so I think that that's important, because I think another thing and I think our society it can be viewed that we are moving away from marriage, away from the necessity of it, like you know, and people are in saying, you know, I don't really think it's something I have to do. You know, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. No, it is something. It is not just a piece of paper. No, it's not. It's not just a ceremony. It is literally you going, like Ruth Abigail said, from this to really interlocking with one another and making yourselves one. You don't become one until you make that, until you make that commitment at an altar, in front of your friends and family and that that is it's.
Speaker 1:It's weird because I would say before that I, you know, I, I, I live in my head and so the intellectual argument of that was always something I felt was hard to argue against. I'm like it's just a piece of paper, what's the big deal? And it's like I know it's more than that, but I can't explain it. And the truth is, to your point, it mystery, it's, you can't explain it, but having been on both sides, oh, it's different and it's not, and it's immediately different, like it's not even um, so I think that that is, I think that's. I think that's so important. Um, man, there was, there was something else. I want to. I know this is kind of weird to end on. We're about to wrap it up and it's like this is weird to end on and I almost Joy. If this doesn't come out right, feel free to edit it, but I just feel the need to go back a little bit. You said that the infatuation you're talking about the book, gary. What's his name? Gary, gary Thomas Got it. Gary Thomas, the Secret Search.
Speaker 1:That infatuation makes you vulnerable and stupid. Agreed, can I? One of the things that we grew up with is this idea of well, especially if you grew up in the church, right? This purity culture, sex is bad, don't have sex, okay. So we need to go there. I feel the need to go there and no, it's not about to get weird, it's just going to get real for a minute and I'm going to be here long, but I just need to say it out loud that that that like that playback.
Speaker 1:For a lot of us that grew up particularly in the church women specifically who grew up in the church Um, it's like I shouldn't have sex because it's bad and God says not to. I shouldn't have sex because it's bad and God says not to. I agree before marriage, right, yes, yes and yes. And my issue with that has always been that that's where it stopped, that's where the explanation stopped. What I like about what he says is this infatuation, which, for a lot of people, led to sex, led to sex before marriage. Is this high level of infatuation, right? The vulnerability and stupidity, stupidity of it all it sex does just heightens that, yeah, and it heightens the vulnerability and stupidity. And what it also does is it, if you are not careful, if it happens to be that the person that you had sex with you are no longer with you didn't end up's wise.
Speaker 1:Like the wisdom of God, I think, is more important here than the morality of God. Okay, and I know that sounds whatever it sounds like that's okay. I hope it makes sense. But God's that wisdom is godly wisdom. You aren't going to go to hell by having sex before marriage. Your life might, your relationships might, be harder as a result.
Speaker 1:The wisdom there is don't do it when you're only infatuated and not committed through a covenant. It is not worth it. Right, and I think that's that is. I wish we would have had that kind of language and practical explanation as, growing up, I wish I did, because it it warps your mind about what sex is and what it should be as you get older, and I wish it would have gone beyond don't do it, because God says don't do it. Like it's just. It is deeper than that, it's more important than that. Like it's wise not to do that. It's not just righteous. Like it's like I don't.
Speaker 1:Because me, growing up, I was like I don't the righteous thing, didn't? That wasn't a motivator for me. To be honest with you. Um, my biggest motivator was not getting pregnant, but, um, but being righteous wasn't my motivator. But I will be honest and say being wise is my was my motivator. It became my motivator, not. But I will be honest and say being wise is my was my motivator, it became my motivator. Not just being righteous, doing whatever, just doing, just doing right, just cause it's right, that's me, that's me, and I'm not saying that's the right way to think, but that's who I, that's how I thought, and so when? But when it clicked for me that this isn't just right, it's wise and it's going to have the best outcome in your permanent covenant relationship, then it's like I can rock with that. So, anyway, I just need to say that and I hope that came across, okay, um, and if you have any questions, you know, hit us up, hit her up hit me up, I'm just playing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, cool.
Speaker 2:Yeah, but I just to tag on I do think that, like we, I think the church has gone through different seasons and different stages of growth and even as we're talking about how we have come to understand ourselves and to like, really know ourselves and have the sense of where we feel like God has given us more purpose and more sense of identity, I think the church has gone through the same. You know, the church is the bride of Christ and as the bride, like, we have had to learn how to be in relationship and real, authentic relationship with God. That is not this idea of 50-50, where we move how we want to move and then we ask God about it later. And we still sometimes move how we want to move, and so I think in about it later. And we still sometimes move how we want to move. And so I think in her infancy Right, I think that it was we.
Speaker 2:We really tried to make it a rule book yeah, and not as a book when God's voice, it is the living word and that means that when we allow the word to really reside within us, it becomes a living part of us, and within God, there's understanding, there's wisdom, there's truth, there's knowledge, there's hope, there's a future, there's faith, there's joy, there's peace, and I think that we kind of left a lot of that out when we were ascribing to people what righteous living looks like, and so I think that we were only given one piece of it, and if you followed that one piece, then everybody felt really good about who you were.
Speaker 2:If you didn't follow a piece of it right and you fell off the track that we said was the righteous way, we didn't really have the understanding and the knowledge and the know-how of how to get you back to an understanding of what right relationship with God looks like, and so our only methodology was hey, don't do that anymore. And I think that it's only now that we're walking in the wisdom and understanding of there's so much more to the word than you know, the to do and don't do list, and so you know. That's why authentic relationship with God yourself is important. That's it Absolutely, Because you need the understanding that somebody else may not be able to give you, and you have to go to God and trust that God will give that to you.
Speaker 1:Well, thanks for allowing us to end on that random note. That was not in our notes, but I just felt my soul was saying you need to, you need to say that, and so thank you all for giving us that, you know, giving us your ear. All right, so that's it, folks. We are done and we will. Oh, we didn't do it, man. We got to get better at this. Oh, golly man.
Speaker 2:You know what? We're just going to start putting it like in words. We should do that yeah, just keep it at the bottom Like share and subscribe we don't forget.
Speaker 2:We've been so excited. That's not our main focus. We want y'all to like, share and subscribe. We do want that. Okay, we need y'all to get in here, all right, and get some of this goodness right, that's it. But we are just excited about giving to y'all what God has given to us, that's it. Um, that he's processed us through, all right. It ain't just being like, oh, the Lord just gave us a revelation. No, these are lives that have been lived and studied, and the Lord has helped us to be able to relay um everything to you. But we really really appreciate every person that has shared it, every person that comments, every person that likes our pages, our posts, our stories and every person that subscribes, and we really want y'all to continue in that, because we're trying to build community, we're trying to have a place where people feel safe, unlearning and changing and growing in freedom, and so that requires us to really commit to one another.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Not just sitting here and enjoying it, okay, but commit, okay, let's do this we can be together Come on All right, so commit like, share and subscribe friends.
Speaker 1:Cool, cool, cool, cool Cool. All right, y'all. That's it. Let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom. Thank you once again for listening to the unlearned podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.
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