The UnlearnT Podcast
The UnlearnT Podcast is designed to help you gain the courage to change your mind about things you never thought you would change your mind about. Our hope is that you will begin to move towards a life of freedom after hearing stories from individuals who have chosen to unlearn some things in their lives.
The UnlearnT Podcast
Unlearning Parenting: The Challenge and The Blessing of a Blended Family
The Gardners join us to share their journey as a blended family, revealing how they built a strong foundation through commitment, communication, and adapting to unexpected changes. Ty and Ruth Abigail discuss how their relationship evolved from online dating to creating a unified family, demonstrating that love makes room for the unexpected.
• Meeting on Facebook and moving from text messages to real connection
• Being transparent about children from day one of dating
• Adapting when a temporary visit became permanent parenthood two days before their wedding
• Transitioning from "fun weekend parent" to full-time parenting
• Balancing personal dreams and careers with family responsibilities
• Challenging traditional role expectations in parenting
• Building genuine connection between stepparent and child
• Creating an environment where both partners can maintain their identities
• Understanding that commitment comes before plans in family building
• Recognizing that in blended families, you must want it to work
Like, share, and subscribe to the Unlearned Podcast. Follow us on Facebook and Instagram to join the conversation and continue unlearning together to move forward towards freedom.
what's up? Everybody? It's your girl, jaquita. This is the unlearned podcast, where we help you to change your mind so that you yes, you can experience more freedom. Guys, as you can see, I did the intro today because it is a special day. Okay, it is a special day, okay. It is a wonderful day, okay, today we have the gardeners. Y'all, everybody give it up for Ty and Ruth Abigail. What's up? People Say hey to the people. Ty, hey everybody.
Speaker 1:Hey Right, we have the lovely couple. Ruth Abigail has done a fantastic job without me, okay, a fantastic job. I know y'all miss me. I know that people was like, wait, I'm back. Okay, here I go, okay. But Ruth Abigail has done a fantastic job on this parenting series and we wanted to make sure that we hit as many facets of parenting as we could, and we realized there was one topic that we hadn't hit yet, that the gardeners are just a perfect little prototype for. So today we're going to switch it up a little bit. I'll be doing the interviewing, okay, and we're going to have a fun time with Ruth and Ty. Ruth, have a good time with your friend.
Speaker 3:I'm a little nervous. I ain't going to lie to you. I'm nervous because I don't know how much I like you having this much control over the conversation. I don't know, I don't like being vulnerable. You know, like this, this is a little much.
Speaker 1:And that's been the last 20 years of friendship. So what's new about that?
Speaker 2:Finally somebody, she can root.
Speaker 1:Listen, ty. Okay, let me tell you something. My brother know I always got his back. He know, he know if he need backup, he know who to call. That's why we had to make sure, see, we couldn't let Ruth Abigail do this by herself, friends All right, because she would have been over here trying to monopolize the conversation, trying to lead Ty, nah, nah, nah nah, nah. We're putting both of them on equal grounds. That's right Ty, I feel it See, I see my poor brother, my poor brother been out here just pushing through.
Speaker 1:Listen today, ty, that's what this is all about. It's about you, bro. It's about you, wow, it's about you, I'm just. But, guys, today we're here to talk about blended families. Ok, we're talking about families that came together, that had family before, had children before, had a story before their story began, and so really wanting to just touch on kind of what's special about, you know, being in the being in that situation.
Speaker 1:You know, I see a lot of Facebook posts that talk about being bonus moms and you know, this isn't my stepchild, this is, this is my baby. You know, this is, this is part of my family, and so we really want to kind of dig into some of that, because it's a lot of people's reality. You know, I'm 38 out here in the dating world, yes, out here in the dating world. Yes, out here in the dating world. Okay, still out, still out here. You know, gotta let them know. But, and you know that's like, it's like a reality that I'm like it is highly likely that I might find myself in a, in a, in a blended family where we're working together to build something new, in a blended family where we're working together to build something new. So I want to begin, ty, let's begin with you. I want to hear your version of the how I met my wife story.
Speaker 2:So tell us a little bit about kind of like y'all's relationship, how it began, how we got to the beautiful place we are now.
Speaker 3:Well, it's back in 2021.
Speaker 1:All right, Ty, it's too early for you to be having to guess years and things now.
Speaker 2:April 2021.
Speaker 1:There you go.
Speaker 2:It was rolling dice oh boy. And I took all the guy money and that's all we had left. You want to bet that? Okay? So I just wanted a dice game.
Speaker 1:That sounds stellar, let's clean that up real quick.
Speaker 3:No, no, no, no no.
Speaker 1:All I heard was him say that you're his prize, and that was beautiful is that what you heard? That's what I heard four years later wow that's probably everyone that's beautiful
Speaker 3:the real story no, go ahead the real story, the real story is we met on Facebook night.
Speaker 2:He was like late one night and I was up and I think I was scrolling or something like that and she like matched back and I texted her and we started communicating and she would always like she would always send me these long drawn-out texts and I'm like a straight-to-the-point type of texter. It's like, hey, how you doing, I'm fine, how are you? And she'll go off. Oh, I'm great, She'll tell me about her day and all this. It'd be a whole paragraph. Well, I ended up having to respond like that and it was out of. I had no way to respond. I'd have to respond my day was great and this and that, and then with the whole emojis and all that.
Speaker 2:Oh you were putting on. Yeah Well, I had to match it.
Speaker 1:Yeah Okay, matching energy, putting on yeah Well, I had to match it. Yeah Okay, matching energy. Yeah yeah.
Speaker 2:I had to match that, and so we went from there. And then finally it was like I was cooking one day. I'll never forget what I was cooking. I think it was chicken and rice at the time, and I was just like hey, I couldn't do both at the same time. So I was like, hey, just block your number out and call. I didn't know if she was okay, it was so early in the game and just giving a number out like that so I was just like hey, just block your number out and call. Ever since then it's been up.
Speaker 1:That is beautiful. I don't think I've ever heard it from Ty.
Speaker 3:Yeah, no, he didn't just say block your number, he said star 69 me.
Speaker 2:I said block, that's old school, that's old school right there I know I'm a little behind the curve with some things, but I don't think I said star 69.
Speaker 3:You said star 69. I remember that because I said to myself star 69.
Speaker 1:I heard that 20 years ago Listen, boy, let me tell you something. Ninth grade Jaquita, when I wanted to call somebody star 69, you ain't finna, Because when caller ID came, it told too much about business.
Speaker 3:It changed the game.
Speaker 1:Two things changed the game that caller ID and that three-way calling. When you get the beep when you used to be on the phone, you get the beep you be like hold on. The game has changed.
Speaker 2:Yes, I don't remember the Star 69, but I remember I could have said it. I don't know. And ever since then, I don't think we never text again. I think it's just all been.
Speaker 3:We mostly just talked.
Speaker 4:He told me to call him and he told me to call him and I did.
Speaker 1:He didn't answer and it was late. He said give me five minutes, which at the time I didn't realize really meant 30 minutes. And so I out there for the single folk. Okay, I have forayed in and out, in and out in and out of of the online dating world. Like I go on there for two days I'd be like this is terrible. And I I also I'm actually not a texter, but when I was interested in somebody I'd be like, all right, let me hit them with the, let me hit them with the monologue, real quick, you know, let me let me hit them with a little extra spice. And so I think that that's interesting, like you know, like people realizing what you're honestly looking for some for is for someone to match energy. Like that's just like that indication of that first initial spark.
Speaker 3:So that's a very good point yeah, I love that.
Speaker 1:Like you know, like ty was like there's something, there's something about this one that makes me want to do a little bit more than my norm.
Speaker 2:I was texting like this long of a paragraph, and all of that is just so listen.
Speaker 1:Ty said I'm over here writing dissertations, listen oh my god listen and I think there's also another good point. You can only do that for so long, folks. Yes, we, we're not texting paragraphs for three years. No, that's a lot, you know. Eventually you do have to move to a different means of communication right.
Speaker 1:move to the. I'm sorry for the sidebar, but I felt like somebody needed. They needed that point Right. And so you know we're talking about blended families and Ty, I'm really interested and Ruth, we'll come to you in a moment. Just sit there, sit tight for a little bit, I'm really interested. During the dating phase, like when you knew that, you know you were really interested in Ruth Abigail and that it was getting serious, at what point did you say, okay, I'm going to have to be One? At what point did you say, okay, it's time for me to tell her that I have kids? And then, at what point did you start thinking I'm going to have to bring these worlds together in some way?
Speaker 2:Day one Because I knew the based off of the dialogue and you know, reading her bio and then doing a little research on her, you stalked her, a little bit research on her.
Speaker 1:You stalked her a little bit.
Speaker 2:You know, I just knew her. I knew her as a person and it made me just jump like this. Definitely you know her and I know she would be. She would be happy about it. She would love it Basically, like how he is as a kid, and their energies match and I know they would love each other and I know that, most importantly, he would love her based off of how he is, but it's just how she accepted him. It's like they hit the ground running.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Right off the bat and that was such a blessing and I really really got lucky.
Speaker 1:I love that. So, ruth Abigail, I'm trying to remember, I'm trying to rack my brain here. Okay, was this your first time dating a man with a child? Yeah, okay, yeah, what during the dating phase? What were? Some of the apprehensions are just kind of like background thoughts that were kind of tickling kind of like the back of your mind about you know what, what? Uh, I mean, you know you work with kids, right, so I don't imagine you being nervous that there's a child here in your space. But what about, kind of, as the relationship was building, what were some of the things going on in the mental space about that?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I well, I'm going to say this. And, baby, if you think we need to edit this out, we can, but I in the beginning, um, he, he, we didn't. We, we didn't know if he was going to be here permanently. Like it was, it was a shared situation, like it was more of on a schedule. Right, honestly, I didn't have any apprehension, because it really was, because I do work with kids and I knew immediately. I had no apprehension about connecting with them, partly because I'm just comfortable with kids, and I knew that the only thing I was apprehensive of was like, I mean, I'm my best comfort level is like teenagers.
Speaker 4:He was seven and I knew I was going to have to like my energy.
Speaker 3:You know what I'm saying Like I was going to have to play and like I was like I don't know what else to do with play. And I think that was the thing. I just, when I come around, I just play, and Ty, he would be like you can't, he's going to like run over you. You can't like keep doing that. And I was like it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. And so I just play because I want to connect with them, and I felt like I could do that because it wasn't a permanent, everyday situation.
Speaker 3:You know, I would see him mostly on the weekends. We'd be together doing stuff and I could go hard, right, because then I was coming back home and I was, and I was, you know, before we found out that he was going to stay here in Memphis with us. In my mind it was just going to be that same thing, same pattern right, Go hard for a little bit and then rest, you know. And so I didn't have that branch and I said I could do that. I kind of do that now, right, with people that'm with. We go hard, they go home, we go hard, they go home. Right, and that was my. It was like I could do that all day. I think the apprehension came. Apprehension may be a strong word, but I didn't realize I had to rethink this when it was oh, he's going to live, he's going to be here, right. Um, that's a different energy, and that because my life wasn't set up, to be totally honest, to have a child Just just to be honest and to piggyback off what you just said, neither was mine.
Speaker 2:He came for spring break and he never left. I don't think he's looking for gold to grab his clothes, and I had a one bedroom apartment. You know, and I think this is what I love about her we made it work, she jumped right in. It was was very, very helpful. It was very beneficial. We're ever grateful for that.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's beautiful, Ty, that's absolutely beautiful. You said more beautiful words than Ruth Abigail and I wanted to give y'all just plans. But you know, I think that that's something, that's something really to consider, because one, when we think about being a bonus parent, right, especially depending on the situation, it can fluctuate. Yeah, right, at one moment you're the fun weekend parent and you know you were, you were probably going to do something fun on weekend anyway, you know that's not necessarily you bringing them into your everyday world. That is you being like hey, you know, because I only have you for three days, you know we're going to eat out, we're going to go do something fun, we're going to watch movies, we're going to play, and you're not even going to really think about it and you're not even going to really think about it.
Speaker 1:But when it comes to, like, really having to settle into this idea of I'm going to be raising this kid, right, ruth, I'm really interested, as you were thinking through, because, right, so you move from I'm the fun, I'm the fun, you know, bonus person in your life. Right, like I'm, I'm a, I'm a fun addition. You know, like, like Velcro, me on for the weekends, and then you know, just, you know, take that right on off. You know, when the week comes, when you realize that it was about to switch, what things did you have to do internally, kind of like mentally and emotionally, as well as externally, as far as like organizing or reorganizing your life to make space inside of you for parenthood?
Speaker 3:Excellent question. I'm good at what I do. I see that, so I I didn't have a lot of time to figure it out, which I actually, in hindsight, am. I am grateful for that. I think I would have overthought it. And so Ty tells me I overthink things, which he's not wrong, and I think I would have overthought. I would have overthought it wrong and I think I would have overthought. I would have overthought it Right. And so, okay, all the faces, um, uh, so I, when we found out it was two days before our wedding day, uh, two or three days a day before the rehearsal dinner, yes, that Thursday, so that we found out he was going to stay Our.
Speaker 3:The plan was for him to. We were going to drive him back to Georgia in a few days, right.
Speaker 2:We was going to drive him back on the 7th.
Speaker 3:Yeah that's right, and go to leave there and go to our honeymoon and go to our honeymoon right, and so that was our plan, okay, so wait, just for the timeline purpose.
Speaker 1:Y'all got married August 5, honeymoon, right, right, and so that was our plan. Okay, so wait, just for the timeline purpose. Y'all got married on the 5th August. 5th, right, right, so August 3rd you found out, yes, he was going to be staying, that's right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's right, right, the fourth. The fourth was the rehearsal dinner. It was the day before that, that Thursday, and so we so, yeah, we found out. And then he had school that seventh, which is a Monday, so he was going to be in school in Georgia. Okay, that's where we were taking him to. Well, when it flipped, we didn't find out, so we had to just pivot. I mean, fast, right, everything changed that weekend.
Speaker 3:Um the night of our wedding changed that weekend, you know, um, our, our whole world shifted and both of our world shifted Right, like, like he was, I mean so. So I think the blessing in that was we both had to figure things out together, um, pretty quickly. So that was. I think that was a blessing. I think, on my end, I'm a problem solver by nature, so I was just in problem solving mode Okay, we just got thrown a wrench, let's go Like it wasn't even a. I wasn't thinking about how it was affecting me, or emotional, like what am I doing? I didn't think about that until maybe a couple of weeks in and I think, and, babe, you can, you know, you could kind of share your side on this. I was really, um, I think the thing that I was the most concerned about was whether or not I would have time or energy to actually be a parent, because my life was revolved around work and by being totally honest, my, you know, my world was work. If I'm being totally honest, my world was.
Speaker 1:I was moving, I had a pace that at the time, I wasn't sure if I could slow down enough to be a good wife and mother. You know what I mean. So you were already mentally making preparations to budget your time and your energy to be a wife. How did that, you know, with such a quick transition, how did you then kind of pivot to having to reorganize yourself to be both?
Speaker 3:Yeah, okay. So what our original plan and correct me if I'm wrong was he like he was going to go and kind of work on a project and be back and forth and kind of you know doing?
Speaker 3:a lot of land development, you know that, things like that and so he was going to be back and forth, I was going to keep doing so.
Speaker 3:We had kind of negotiated that we, these first few years were going to be a lot of movement for both of us because we were really working towards stuff, and so we were going to have the freedom and flexibility to do that. And so what you know, as far as me being a wife was concerned, we kind of worked that out right, like we knew, cause we're both very um, you know we're both very, you know we're hard workers, we're goal oriented, and we knew what we wanted to be. And so we started off like that. And then we had a child and you can't move like that with a child, so like. So it just it really kind of slowed us both down, it slowed the plan down, and so I think that because we had communicated so well as to what we wanted to do as a married couple, we were good, like my life wasn't going to shift that much in the next couple of years because we had a plan. Is that accurate, babe?
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I would say so, definitely. I mean, uh, you know, from my point of view and I can speak for my looking, you know, speak for my looking to you I think you, you made a huge sacrifice in what you did. It was okay for it to be wrong with me and I had to make some changes, but you had to make more than me. You took it in stride. Thankfully, I never forget our wedding day or was it the fourth or something like that. I think it was the fourth baby. When we found out he was staying, I said, hey, he's going to have a stay. Okay, let's get it set up, get him registered in school, let's grab him some clothes, grab him things he needs and let's get it going. It him registered in school, grab him some clothes, grab him things he needs and let's get it going.
Speaker 2:And it's like, right at that moment, we went from Planning a honeymoon Dropping him off, planning a honeymoon Wanting to relax, to boom okay, dead in the water. We can't go, we gotta change this. This is the plan. So let's execute. In the water. We can't go. We gotta change this. This is the plan, so let's execute. And it flowed so smoothly that it seemed like it was planned and it was all because of her and that was a blessing. We got things done and it would have took two weeks. We got it done in a day.
Speaker 1:We got it done in a day. We got it done in a day. No, I definitely remember y'all running around and that school thing was the fun yeah it was a fun piece.
Speaker 2:I remember I was in Walmart buying school supplies right after the wedding. Buying school supplies right after the wedding. And somebody was pushing the buggy and they backed up.
Speaker 4:I'm like.
Speaker 2:Ty what you doing in here buying school supplies. You just got married. It was Candace. It was Candace. Oh, that's right she did. She did buy school supplies. Candace goes to the. That's right she did. Candace goes to the church.
Speaker 3:That's exactly right.
Speaker 1:Now that is hilarious, Ty. You said something interesting when you were giving yet another beautiful tribute to Ruth Abigail.
Speaker 3:Let's just say this. Let's say it. Let's say it. He's way better at words of affirmation than I am. He is much sweeter with his words and his tone and all that. He just is, which is why we work so well, because I'm not as Listen.
Speaker 1:Ty, somebody had to take up the mantle that the rest of us gave up on, ok, we. You made the point that, ruth Abigail, you felt like she sacrificed more than you did, and when you said that, the thought just kind of crossed on my mind, ran across my mind, that you know, like you had had, you know, your son at that point for seven years. You know he was part of your life and even though, because you know, we just talked about how you weren't necessarily ready to be full-time custodial parent either, right, and so what things about bringing on full time parenthood for both of you, do you feel like you also had to sacrifice? Because it sounds like, because, like, you're taking on, like this kind of sense of responsibility of like this is my kid and I brought this kid into the relationship, and so you felt more responsible.
Speaker 2:So you look at the levels of sacrifice a little bit differently sacrifice in terms of like with me and her relationship, or just like, just like let's go for both. It sounds like you got some thoughts okay, um, uh, well, when it, when it came to me, uh, it was just more, so I had to change the things that I was I was doing.
Speaker 2:Uh, I had to make a lot of changes in terms of, you know, from cost of my I spend my money, to how I spend my time, to when I can go out on the road, to just everything. I did Like I had to change it because now it's just you know, I'm about you.
Speaker 2:You have a child with you now. It's not over the phone anymore, it's not. You know you stand the weekend and you know it's over that phone. It's not over the phone anymore, it's not. You know he's staying the weekend and you know so that's all. He's a Jew now.
Speaker 2:So I had to change a lot, but it was for the better, though the changes I made. Some of the stuff that I had to change I needed to change. I started looking at it. I'm glad I made the changes. It made me a better person At least I feel like I did and I got him here with me. That was awesome. Now, when it comes to the relationship, I think it was just more so trying to find that balance. More so trying to find that balance where you know you're not you're, you're sharing your time, equally, you're showing you know him love and not letting her and vice versa. I think that that was like the biggest thing. But once, once that came like I'm an easy going guy, so you know it's not too much that I can't change. I don't need to do this for the sake of all of us hanging out together, finding time for everyone.
Speaker 2:It wasn't bad. I know that, like I said, I'm not trying to keep.
Speaker 1:It's all right, give her one more, one more. It was just.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, one out of a thousand. That's so sweet, but it was just more so about her. It's about, you know, like she took in a whole other child, and a whole another child is a entirely piece of responsibility and I don't know the statistics of it, but that doesn't go well like that, and especially at such short notice, and you know we had totally different plans. She sacrificed more, so we're just grateful for that. And then it worked right, like the sacrifices I made, the sacrifices she made, you know, even with him, and like we find happiness in the sacrifices we made to spend time with each other, and it's been very beneficial. We play Uno at night, you know. We play games at night, you know just that bonding time. Sometimes we sit down and, you know, watch a movie or eat dinner together, just being each other's presence, and that's so much better than going out of service at times, or just hanging out with a bunch of guys or whatever, and it's like I find solace in being in the soul.
Speaker 3:It all boils down to the sacrifices that were made Mainly because Can I say yeah, can I say this? He still goes to the cigar bar, though he still hangs out with his guys.
Speaker 3:I still hang out with people, you know, and I still do things that I that I do. I've, you know. I've just came from out of town with a family trip. I was in Greenville with y'all Right, and so we have still. I think the beauty of being on the same page has been we've been able to allow each other to still have our life because we. One thing that I appreciate about him that I feel like I had to really, um, now I'm going to toot his horn because he doesn't. I'm going to toot his horn. Yeah, you owe him you owe him at least one.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, yeah, get in there.
Speaker 3:So one thing I really appreciate about him, uh, is that he refused to allow me to totally neglect things that I came in with. He wouldn't let me do it right.
Speaker 3:Whether it's my work, my relationships, the activities I like to do, my me time, all of that. He insisted that I keep it and it took me a minute to believe that he really meant that and I think that was a lot of the anxiety I had in the beginning, probably for the first year or so. I would try to overcompensate because I was like you know I'm, you know I would tell him I will be home, you know, earlier than I normally am, and make sure that I'm gonna cook and do all the things I felt like I was supposed to do and you know I wanted that was a struggle you know like because, because, truth be told, that was hard for me, a lot to you.
Speaker 3:it was hard and I tried to overcompensate and I felt like I was failing because I couldn't be all in as a parent the way I saw it Right.
Speaker 1:Oh and so.
Speaker 2:Or just like with the marriage time. Yeah, in general like the marriage time, and she would always, would always. Maybe I'm gonna be late tonight.
Speaker 4:I apologize, okay I'm starting to get like sarcastic with her.
Speaker 2:You know, just like I'm, I'm done with this, like he would.
Speaker 3:He would be like I don't, fine, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care, you know, and all this stuff. I'll be like what you, you know, don we, you know? But like we, I had to. I had to believe that he actually was for me continuing to be me. You know what I mean, and that is a gift and I that's an amazing gift to having a husband.
Speaker 1:No, I love that. Good job, ruth, abigail. We're proud of you. Thank you very much. I had a thought, though, as you were talking, because for me, as you were talking about kind of like what you were trying to do, where were you pulling this model of this is who I'm supposed to be, because you didn't come from a blended family. No, so when you think about your own parenting style, how are you bringing in your own experiences with kind of this new world of blended life, like how are you trying to kind of merge those?
Speaker 3:Well, I think that's the thing. Like, I didn't come from a blended situation, so I I'm only pulling from my mother and what she did and my mom.
Speaker 3:She was, you know, at the top of her career when she had kids. She, she left that entirely Right and um, that, that, and then she, so she devoted all her time to being at the house and um, doing all the doing the laundry, doing the, you know, cooking every night, um, doing pickups, all the things I don't do every night. And it bothered me, right, it bothered me so much and I was like, I don't know every night, and it bothered me, right, it bothered me so much and I was like I don't know how to fulfill this. Well, I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Wow, and he and he, he was right, and so it was just, it was and, and, and I had to accept, and he has helped me to accept number one, this role thing, which I didn't even realize was going to be a thing, honestly, for me. But this role thing was a thing for me, like, no, no, no, this is what I'm supposed to do as the wife, right, is this, this and that? And so I and he has helped me to realize where partners I like, where, where I am in my life, and my schedule is much more flexible than yours. So I'm going to take this. This is my job, not yours. Right For right now, you know what I mean.
Speaker 3:Like so it's like okay, but I didn't believe him. Honestly, I'll be honest, I don't know if he's ever heard me say this before. I really thought I was like, if I, if, if I keep doing this, I don't think he's going to want to stick around for that. Like I'm thinking, like there's no way that this man is going to be okay with me going all in with what he's telling me to go all in with, if I like. Continue to pursue what you're doing, you know. Continue to run the organization. Well, continue to go out and do you? Nah, you don't mean that I'm going to lose you. I thought I was. I really that was in my mind.
Speaker 1:Ty, I'm interested in knowing because, as Ruth Abigail is just talking about just kind of the man, the husband and the father that you are, where did this value system come from? Because there's not a. You know, every, every marriage is different, every couple is different and everybody brings kind of a different perspective to it, but all men are not like hey, you know what I'm saying, just work it out, you know. You know, do what you do, you know, keep all the things that are important to you, like where, how, how did you learn that value system?
Speaker 2:I think growing up, growing up and watch how my mom and dad operated. We kind of grew up in the same household. That's how I say it. My dad did all the work and then the mom.
Speaker 2:She ran the house and we grew up like that. But also I grew up seeing like how my dad he wasn't my mom and my dad, they wasn't like both type people Like when it came to their relationship they gave each other their space. They did that. And I met you on the force. I know who you are and I love that about you.
Speaker 2:So for me to do anything than to stop stopping you from doing what you love is not who I am. I'm not a I'm not a overprotective, overbearing type of person. I'm not a jealous person in a bad way. I'm not like that. And I get. It gets me up to see my lady go home. That's so precious it gets me. It makes it just brings a sense of pride and I love that and it motivates me. And so, hey, do your thing. A sense of pride and I love that and it motivates me. And so, hey, do your thing. You know, hey, if you gotta stay out late, go ahead. I know what you got, I know what it takes and anything I can help you with. Whatever. Like, do that because of you know we're trying to scale this thing in order to scale it. We can't sit home. We can't miss things or not checking all the boxes, gotten all the I's crossing all the T's and this is what it takes and I'm for that and I love it and I love that you like that.
Speaker 2:No, I always joke about it. I was like baby. I'd have checked my I's. I always joke about it. I was like baby. I ought to change my life. I would have been. You ever met a gardener who did it? Patty the Bill, I don't know.
Speaker 1:Wait a minute. Wait a minute, I was not ready. Not, I was not ready.
Speaker 4:I was not ready.
Speaker 2:That's hilarious we say that. But it's just like. It just shows like you know, I'm all in for you and I know the drive that you have, I love it. You gotta go places. You gotta go for you, and I know the drive that you have, I love it. You got to go places. You got to go, we got to do, we got to go hang out with your friend, who deserves it. I used to tell her quit telling me what you're doing.
Speaker 3:He did.
Speaker 2:Just do it. She would get a little rival. You should know I know what you're doing. I know you don't. Don't feel like you gotta you know, just I don't know.
Speaker 3:Let me, I'm not right here on giving you your space and I trust you can I say, like everything he's saying and this, this, this is not a relationship conversation, but I do think it matters. Like the things that I was doing were things that I was told to do by people I trust and people who were giving me kind of like bad advice, which I don't think is bad advice. But I think then you have to like I didn't marry men, I married a man, right. So you can't, you can't put what people have experienced with men on your man. It doesn't work. And so then I had to say, okay, I hear all that. But then I hear what my man is saying, oh, okay, and I it's like, am I going to pay attention to what they're saying about their experiences or what he's saying about him? And I had to decide, yeah, and it took me about a year to decide Like I'm going to believe him, but you know, and nobody's wrong.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm sorry, go ahead, nobody's wrong. You just have to go with what works for you. If that works for us, then what we're doing works for us, so be it. Whatever works for anybody else, it works. It's not a right or wrong, it's just what works for you. Either one of them would work for us. But I know that what she's trying to accomplish, the things that was told to her, we got to pull together and do them. And I don't mind washing the clothes, cleaning the house or if I'm home you know I got a lot of free time, that's my job.
Speaker 1:And I don't mind cooking, I don't mind Listen y'all Facebook dating folks, facebook dating.
Speaker 2:That's it.
Speaker 1:Okay, we got to talk about the kid, all right, because that's what we came here to do, but I think the foundation that you guys have I think it's so important to highlight that because if you bring when we talk about a blended family if you bring the kid into a situation where you don't have understanding of who that person is and you're not 100% for each other, then that's know, that biological parent really gets split. Because I mean, honestly, ty, you know, tyson was in your life first and there are a lot of parents, especially moms right, who are like I go 100 for my kid and you're and you're the add-on Instead of it being. We do this 100% together and we have this Sorry, you know the scripture, we have this ministry. Huh, it was right there. It was like, hey, you don't want to holler this one out and I do, but there is a we, not a I and a you.
Speaker 1:There's a we that has this and what I heard from Ty is that there are things that he is so careful to protect in you because it's also helping to maintain the we, like who you are, is building him up and is bringing the cohesion for y'all's union that helps you guys to continue to parent this amazing kid Right, ruth? I, I want to know because, again, you went from being the fun weekend parent to the you know, did you brush your teeth? You know? Did you do your homework? You know, did you do your homework, you know, and all of the things. So I'm wondering what has it been like and what have you learned about building that parental not a cool adult, but a parental relationship with the young guy?
Speaker 3:I watched Ty a lot and I mimicked a lot of what he was doing because he had been that for a year and a half, and so, once I got over my insecurities of making that transition, I just started watching him and you know, I had to find my own flavor. But I I think like one of the things was like okay, the first thing that I feel like I had to really fix is the play thing. Right. So like I couldn't, I couldn't keep that up every day. Like I, I walk in yeah, we old you know what I'm saying Like he's on all the time, not this middle adult life.
Speaker 3:So like I walk in from work, miss Abby, and he'll run and jump on me, which is really sweet, and it's like, oh, this is awesome. And then, but it's like you know, six, 37, and it'd be like, okay, but, and then he'll keep jumping Right and keep jumping and then pull me to go, like, can we do this? Oh, can we do this, can we do that? You want to play with me, you want to draw, you want to do all this. And I had to gain the courage to say, nah, buddy, not right now. I'm tired and not feel like I was being, you know, a bad, a bad parent. Um, and I cause I felt like I had more ground to make up right.
Speaker 1:I had to prove that I wanted him here, kind of thing.
Speaker 3:And I didn't want him to feel like so that those were.
Speaker 3:But I I had to realize, and Ty would just remind me a lot like he loves you, he knows you love him.
Speaker 3:You got to rest, you don't have to prove yourself so much.
Speaker 3:But it took me a minute and so I think I watched him, you know, separate and he would do a really good job, and still does, when he and I are talking right and we're hanging out and he comes in and he, you know, he wants to be the center of attention because he I are talking right and we're hanging out and he comes in and he wants to be the center of attention because he's a child, right, and most children want to be the center of attention when they feel like it. And he'll say, hold on, buddy, we talking, you come back in a minute, and for a while, like I would feel completely, I would just shift and put my attention on him. But it's like I had to follow his, I had to follow Ty's lead to say, no, like you know, we're talking, wait, and you know, give us that time and space so that we could establish that separation sometimes and not feel bad, right, and not feel like I wasn't adequate in his life as a parent.
Speaker 2:We do the answer of your question. Like you know, the beginning of your question, when you was talking about the blended family thing, like you know, the mom goes from what you said like zero to a hundred about her kid and all of that. If, looking at this relationship and you didn't know us, you would think that she was his biological mother and I was the stepfather. Because Stop, like I mean it'd be crazy.
Speaker 1:Like he takes her side, she takes his side, not to a stepdad in your own home.
Speaker 2:No, oh what? Yes, yes, baby, you can't do this, you can't say this. Now, one thing I'm glad that she got out of is buttering him up. We've had conversations about that. I would get on to him about things only a man can do because he's a boy, and we got that straightened out. So she has quit that, thankfully. But it'd be terrible at times, like, uh, one time I got on two women I think I had to. She sat me down and gave me this long speech and I just had to just go in there and apologize to her, even though I didn't want to. I had to and in hindsight, looking at it, it was relevant. It was relevant that time.
Speaker 2:But you know, it just goes to show that kids move off of they move off of, of love, energy, and I think with that she has won him over to the point where you wouldn't know.
Speaker 1:I love that.
Speaker 2:It's a father's child or anything, because of the love she's shown and that's been like that since day one and he would he would always have that with him and he would always be thankful and grateful for her she is that's so precious.
Speaker 1:Miss Abby, that is just adorable. I'm interested to know Ty, because you know he knows a world outside of y'all as parents what are kind of some of your considerations, anxieties, fears around him, kind of growing up in different environments, and how are you preparing for that?
Speaker 2:I think the one thing is we show him what a stable home is, and not only that, he has a community around him that loves him and they show him the same way.
Speaker 2:So I think those teachings, along with keeping a clear, open line of communication, allowing him to express himself to us without reprisal or repercussions and allowing us to give him the feedback that he needs, I think with that, keeping it Christian based as the foundation, with that having the community and all that, I think, outside of here, I think he's safeguarding. Now there are some things that he's just can't prepare for. I think if the basics like we've all come from a strong background right, like like some things like the world don't even affect us because of based off of our morals and values, like like how we grew up and all of that, like we're still covered with that now, true enough, there enough. There is some things that life gets in the way and you're going to have to figure it out on your own, but that core still there, that doesn't go anywhere and I lean on that.
Speaker 2:It worked for me, it worked for y'all. Y'all turned out pretty, pretty great, and your friends, and so I think, if we can stay within that, I think life is great.
Speaker 1:I'll let the world be the world that. You know, when we think about blended families, you know, and I do think that there there's some consideration, though that y'all got him, you know, at an age where you could still build foundation. You know it would have been very different if this was like a 16 or 17 year old, you know, and they'd be like you're not my mom, you know, like you know it, no-transcript to back. But you know, my mom got remarried, um, afterwards, and I remember, in being introduced to anytime there was a new person, whether it was on my mom's side, on my dad's side.
Speaker 1:You know, you go through this phase where they're like I want to take you shopping, I want to get you things, I want to do things for you, you know, and and having just kind of like those, those background conversations with them, of like those, those background conversations with them. But it took, it took something that I don't know that I ever really saw to, to say that those people were going to parent me, you know. And so you guys have done just a masterful job in what? Almost two years, yeah, are we coming up on two? I'm just coming up on two. Okay, I didn't.
Speaker 1:I was trying to figure out.
Speaker 3:Y'all got married in 23. Yeah, we've been. It's been two years marriage, but four years together.
Speaker 4:Yeah, oh, okay, got you.
Speaker 3:We had been together a year when he came Okay.
Speaker 1:Got you. We had been together a year when he came. Okay, okay, so so three years with with him around, but kind of almost to almost to like kind of just in this, like really foundational structured you know, like um, and so I'm interested, ruth Abigail, when you think about kind of. You know I'm not going to be that person and I've never been that person. I can honestly say this I ain't never asked you when you're going to have some kids.
Speaker 1:you know I haven't, I have never been that person, okay, I ain't never been over there like where the nieces and nephews at. But as you kind of think out into the future, you have a son. Now, right, I think you would say I have a son, I am a mom, I am a parent, I am, you know, a part of this. But when you think about kind of your hope for whatever else may come in the future, like what are some things that you consider about trying to build those relationships to make sure you know everybody has their space?
Speaker 3:Yeah, I a little bit.
Speaker 1:of it makes me nervous yeah you sound nervous.
Speaker 3:It makes me nervous. I'm not naive as to believe that it won't be different at some level. You know what I mean. I'm not naive about that. I think what I want to be sensitive about is that it doesn't feel different to him. Right, like I don't want, I never want him to feel like I. It's different because now I have a child that actually came from me, um, and I think that the, the way I think about it is like I.
Speaker 3:It is like I want him to be a part of the whole process as much as possible. Right, being transparent. This is what's happening, you know, getting excited about it and, like I was saying, like functioning as a unit around it. Right, like this is. And so I think that's even like randomly talking about it even now, right, um, just hey, dude, you know you'd be a really good big brother Right, to which he has said I don't want to be a brick brother, I want to be a little brother. I said, well, it's a little too late for that. We missed that, um, but I think, like just making those comments, and you know, I think I've asked him before like how would you feel about having a brother or sister set and he would have. He'll give his thoughts and I'll listen, right, and then you know he'll, we'll laugh about something or or whatever.
Speaker 3:So I think just keeping that um conversation open with him as well, and not like it's just a me and Ty thing and then he's over here and oh, look, look what happened. Look, now you have to adjust your life, no, like I want to be intentional about that. So I don't know, I think there's a lot of unknowns there and I don't know that I'll, I don't. We talk, you know, ty, and I talk all the time. I'm like number one there's never a right time, right, there's. No, there'll never be a right time. And so I think it's just a matter of you know when. And if it happens, we're just going to take it in stride, we're just going to do it right and figure it out, like we've been figuring other stuff out and we just kind of, you know, that's just what we have to do, um, but yeah, ty, when you think about hopes for the future and what does what you want this blended family to to grow into?
Speaker 1:um, what, what? What are you? What do you envision when you think 10 years down the line?
Speaker 2:I want our family to keep on the trajectory that it's going on, while working on some things that like building off of what our parents left, off of what they left us, and I think, like we both came from a great background. It wasn't broke. Like I said, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Well, you can make it better, and I think we can uh just keep, keep trending up with that and just uh making the world better than what that's so precious. We can do that by controlling what we can control and that's uh giving our kids the foundation, what we had, and build off of that, and just keep this thing going. Just leave it. Better for the next generation I love it.
Speaker 1:I think, um, I think we kind of we really had a theme. You know, I think when you think about family just in general, you know it's generational. You know and you know you both, like you said, you both come from great families. You both had love in those families. You both saw parents who both operated in love and in collaboration with one another to build who you guys are today. Whether the family is blended or not, you have an opportunity to build something that your child, our children, are. You know, whatever y'all decide to do, but you have it. You have an opportunity to build something that one day they'll build on, um, and so I think it doesn't.
Speaker 1:I think it's important to know. You know I was, I was just talking with um, I was talking with. I think I was, I was just talking with, I was talking with I think it was you, ruth, and I was like you know, aunties really just don't get enough credit out here. You know, like I, my sister, had a baby and a lot of people around me had babies. So I'm like in auntie land right now and mother's day is coming up and I'm like this is a lot of pressure when the aunties day at, you know, but I am a. I am a person that will have an impact in the lives of these children, right, and so everybody that you invite into your community, whether it is a spouse that is not the biological parent, whether it's a sister, a brother, a friend, grandparents, you know, church members, school, everybody that you invite into that world you are inviting to build, to help you build the foundation for that child.
Speaker 1:And I think that if we look at blended families and see it as just that simple, I mean we could have got into the drama.
Speaker 1:You know there's going to be some drama, right, there's going to be, because blending everything don't always. Sometimes there's a little oil, there's a little vinegar in there. Everything don't always mix, yeah, you know, everything doesn't always, you know, come together, just right. You know, even as you guys were talking, you were talking in reflection mode, you know, but when you were kind of in the moment going through things, you weren't thinking, man, this is just all going to work out and I'm going to be a better person, you know, because of this and this is wow God really knows exactly what he's doing and I'm so grateful for this moment, you know, but I think hopefully it helps somebody to be able, now that you guys are kind of two years out, of kind of like the beginning of your parenthood journey together. Hopefully it helps somebody to understand that you know, while the moment may seem rocky at first, eventually you'll start to see what God has been, the stones God has been laying down for you that you can continue to build on.
Speaker 2:So and the one thing about that is you got to you got to want it to work. And if you both are on the same board and you want it to work, then there's a lot of things that's just not going to happen.
Speaker 2:It's not going to come into it. It's not going to come into it. There's things that probably would happen with somebody on his side of the family or a parent or auntie or whatever. She'll never know. Because I want it, it won't even get me to it, damn sure, because it's not going to. We're're gonna make this work and we're gonna make it work at our cost yeah, that's what we want and it's all done in love when you protect that love. So you just, you just gotta want it.
Speaker 3:You do, and I would say I would. I would say that when you say you want it, what you're saying is you want growth and you want commitment, regardless of anything else. And I think, like coming into a situation and I think here's the thing, honestly, you know we talk about how quick this was, but you know, we got married but we committed to each other before we got married. Right, I mean, I had committed to him and I committed to Tyson before we got married. So when he said, hey, he needs to stay, my commitment was already there. So I didn't change my commitment, I just changed the plan. And because you have, you have to change the plan um to to meet the commitment.
Speaker 3:And so I think, um, oh, that's good that's going to be necessary throughout your entire relationship with you know whether you're coming in, uh, with children, when you, if you have your own children, um, just the things that are going to happen in your life that you can't control, that you can't predict, like commitment is going to have to be a part of it. Before you get to it, you have to have decided, like he said, that you want it and so you commit it. Okay, like this is what it is, and so you know. I think we both enter into that every day, by choice, because it's also not just one time. You know we don't, we don't agree on everything we've had, you know, just arguments and issues that we've had to work through.
Speaker 4:Well, we have argued yelled at each other.
Speaker 3:You know I mean OK, we never had an argument that's fair, we don't have arguments.
Speaker 3:We do have disagreements, that is true, and we communicate and we talk through it, and sometimes we land in the same place, sometimes we don't, it's like you know, and sometimes you just have to, but the commitment is there and we're committed to continuing to do that Right. And so I think that I just think that's so important for anybody who is, who is potentially entering into this space of a blended family. You meet somebody who already has kids, which, like you said, queda especially once you hit 30, 35, that's more than likely going to happen. And so, preparing your mind for that and making sure you commit before you know You're not going to know, and so you've made the commitment, so you pivot according to the commitment, and I think that's huge. So when you say you want something, that's part of it.
Speaker 1:That's good stuff, folks. I was going to tell them to give their last little piece of advice to the folks, but they did it without me asking, so I I would Call us on that Ty.
Speaker 2:Back to when we first started dating. The whole entire thing was like I wasn't looking for this. We talk about it all the time. I wasn't looking for this. There's things that I didn't do. I wasn't in church like that. I didn't go to church outside of a wedding or a funeral or something like that. I didn't do that. I didn't go to certain functions. I didn't do certain things.
Speaker 2:What I was is I was willing to try different things. I was always, and I found a great young woman that kind of helped me, mold me into that and uh, and I love it. And the thing about it is like she didn't know, she didn't put my feet to the Friday. She, she made me do it and she made it fun and uh, and that's precious. I mean my nephew we always talk about it like we was sitting out the day of the wedding and we was lined up and he was on the wall with his orange costume.
Speaker 2:You remember you told me you would never get married and I said look at you now. And then I said Eli was like alright, wow, literally that's how it happened. Yeah, so, but yeah, it's just just be open. I said Eli. I was like all right, wow, literally that's how it happened. Yeah, so, but yeah, it's just be open. Just be open to try certain things like you know. Just live without borders. You know, respect each other. You know you can be. It's okay to disagree. Just don't be disagreeable and just be a spawn. Nobody's perfect, amen, star.
Speaker 3:Nobody's perfect amen, nobody's perfect.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 3:It's the gardeners, everyone it is, and we have a third one who wanted to come on and say something I literally was thinking let me go get him.
Speaker 1:we got a special guest y'all. It's the man of the hour. Say hey to the people, tyson, hi. So, tyson, we just spent a little time talking about how special you are. I heard that there's a sign. Oh my goodness, what is happening? Here we go. All right, here we go.
Speaker 3:We're on camera, buddy, so here we go all right, here we go, we're on camera, buddy.
Speaker 1:So this is. Oh okay, wait a minute, I didn't know you drew like that. That's a nice horse. Okay, tyson's room. And then what else does this say? Sorry y'all, this is a little chaotic hold on.
Speaker 4:Okay, all right, this is blended family, so it says caution, please knock. Unless you are my dad, please.
Speaker 1:And me, okay, so everybody, so your dad doesn't have to knock, he can just go in.
Speaker 4:Because he said what he said.
Speaker 1:Ty, what did you say?
Speaker 4:What did he say? No, you say it, you say it.
Speaker 2:It's a little bit. It's several things. It's been passed down from generation to generation. Oh, okay.
Speaker 4:That's not about this case.
Speaker 1:What happened in this case?
Speaker 2:Okay, what is it?
Speaker 4:We're talking about parenting.
Speaker 1:He said this ain't about the bills, this is about the parenting, Alright.
Speaker 2:well, what's up? What is it about?
Speaker 4:People know that it's my room. They have to follow the rules. So just in case, like, like when I'm changing clothes, people people. So people can know that.
Speaker 1:So people can know that they should not first before they come in now Tyson, correct me if I'm wrong, but on this camera are all the people who live in the house, right? So when you say people, that starts fights don't it.
Speaker 1:That's less. Well, listen, we're really glad we could have you on camera, because it's not a full gardener family without you, all right. So do you want to help me close it out? We need to tell the people, right, that they need to do three things right they need to like, they need to share and they need to subscribe. Can you tell the people to do that real quick?
Speaker 4:Everybody like subscribe. Everybody like subscribe and share.
Speaker 1:Listen, you heard it from the man himself. Okay, if you have not become part of the community yet, all right, get in on this. Hit the bell, hit the button. All right, because we're rolling. Get in on this. Hit the bell, hit the button All right, because we're rolling. This has been the last episode of Ruth Abigail's and the Unlearned Podcast parenting series. We're so excited that we get to end it with Tyson and that we got to have just an amazing conversation. Thank you, ty, for coming on. Ruth Abigail, you know we appreciate you as well.
Speaker 3:Thank you, Taquita, for hosting.
Speaker 1:But anyways, this has been Unlearned Podcast. Hopefully today you earned, learned something and you're able to walk in just a little bit more freedom. So until next time, which will be next week, we will see y'all later, peace, peace, peace, peace. We'll see y'all later, peace, peace.
Speaker 3:Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.
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