The UnlearnT Podcast
The UnlearnT Podcast is designed to help you gain the courage to change your mind about things you never thought you would change your mind about. Our hope is that you will begin to move towards a life of freedom after hearing stories from individuals who have chosen to unlearn some things in their lives.
The UnlearnT Podcast
Unlearning Love and Basketball: What Monica and Quincy Got Wrong!
Ruth and Jaquetta dive into the cult classic "Love & Basketball" as they kick off their summer series examining movies they had to unlearn from, breaking down the film's problematic messages about relationships, identity, and success.
• Analyzing the movie in quarters, just like the film's structure
• Unlearning identity limitations - you don't have to choose between femininity and athleticism
• Character development matters more than talent when pursuing dreams
• Leaders look past gifts to character - "if your mentor don't get on your nerves, you ain't got a good mentor"
• Relationships rarely stay the way they started, and transitions require communication
• Soul ties keep you stuck - "reaching back to get something will always pull you backwards"
• The unrealistic portrayal of Monica getting Quincy back by playing for his heart two weeks before his wedding
• How aesthetics in the film reinforce gender expectations and identity shifts
Like, share, and subscribe to join our community! We want to hear your thoughts about Love & Basketball in the comments.
hello everybody and welcome once again to the unlearned podcast. I'm your host, ruth abigail aka ra what's up, friends? It's your girl, jaquita this is the podcast that's helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.
Speaker 2:And we're back we are back friends. We just finished our millennials in crisis series, so that was heavy. We came at y'all heavy, you know listen, so we gonna lighten it up a little bit that crisis stuff before the storm. Yeah, doing the storm after the storm, you know so. But hopefully, you know there was a lot of good tips in there, so hopefully, listen.
Speaker 1:Hopefully you know. I feel like it was an important, important thing to get out. You know what I mean. Before we listen roll into the summertime right with everything going on.
Speaker 2:Listen, listen, y'all. Put it in your back pocket. Yeah, okay, put it in your back pocket because we don't know what's coming. Yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1:so we did that, and now we're rolling into summer, Summer summer, summertime, summertime, summertime.
Speaker 2:Yeah, hey, yes, yeah, okay was Ruth was sitting there for a moment debating if she was gonna say something about my singing. No, that's what just happened. I really was. That's what just happened. She was just like what did I tell you about singing on air at this time?
Speaker 1:it's not true, because I actually I actually was sitting there like am I gonna join in? Because I actually. I actually was sitting there like am I going to join in because I really don't know what she's doing and also.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, okay how did you not know what I was doing?
Speaker 1:what kind of millennial are you? I know I just put myself on blast. Look, I'm not saying I'm the best millennial. I definitely missed some things. Okay, we can talk about that another day, another time me and Ruth Abigail had different upbringings.
Speaker 2:Okay, um, and that's what makes us work, anywho so what are we doing?
Speaker 1:what we're talking about?
Speaker 2:listen, friends. Okay, so this new summertime series. Okay, we thought we would lighten it up a little bit for y'all and we're going to be breaking down some of our favorite movies from different genres, and not just the movies that we love, but the movies that we really had to unlearn, okay, um, so today is a cult classic, classic classic, if you know. You know, all right, it's on everybody's black card list. Like, if you ain't watched this one, that's fine. You indeed still have your black card. Can you still be part of the culture, be part of the, the community? Okay, we're talking about one of my faves.
Speaker 1:So before you do it though I'm sorry, I mean a lot I didn't want to do it because I want to. You know, we had talked about doing this little intro and I wanted to. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh, I really thought you forgot. I didn't want to do it because we had talked about doing this little intro. Oh my gosh, I really thought you forgot, I didn't. I had to pull it up Before she says it. Y'all this is so close to Jaquita's heart. She decided, as a full-grown 28-year-old, to write an essay on the movie. I'm going to read an excerpt Okay, this essay.
Speaker 2:Wait a minute. Wait a minute, cause I need to. I feel like I should provide some context. Nevermind, that'll make it worse. That'll make it worse, just just read it.
Speaker 1:So I'm going to read a little bit and then I'm going to end it. So I'm not reading in in in order, I'm just going to read a couple of lines and I'm going to end it on my favorite line. Okay, here we go. All right, this movie is not about two people who live next door that fall in love. This movie is about options. It's the choices we have to make and who we are, about who we are and what we want. A lot of us don't want what our parents had, even if they actually had something good. We grew up with so many judgments about what's right and wrong and most of those times they don't get corrected until we have to live it out. Now. This is my favorite line. Quincy was fully active on the court and in the love arena Seen through the first half of the film. With many girls, quincy had no sacrifices to make. He could have love and basketball.
Speaker 2:I really hate you so much right now. I really, really. I'm sorry. I don't like using the word hate, but I greatly dislike you in this moment.
Speaker 1:First of all, all it wasn't until we were preparing for this episode that I knew that this existed. And when I tell you the joy and my spirit that happened to know that, that this jewel of an essay was out there in the world, I was like we're gonna give people some of this essay, you know, let me um, listen, unlearned family.
Speaker 2:Okay, you gotta know how much I love you. Okay, you gotta know how much I value this community, that I would even offer up you know, this thing that probably me and maybe two other people knew about Okay, it was, it was not. It was not supposed to be a public thing, but here we are. Listen, everybody. We're talking today about the one, the only, loving basketball. Okay, loving basketball, one of the best soundtracks out there.
Speaker 1:I just rewatched it it I was like yo, they got some good music on here yo banging soundtrack, listen.
Speaker 2:So now latham omar epps came in, did their thing for the culture. You know. Now, listen, growing up we all loved this movie. Okay, I never remember hearing anything negative about love and basketball growing up. You know, all I remember is I was like I just, you know, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta play a man for his heart. You know, but when we, you know it's been, you know, if you, if you, are on the interwebs at all, if you're on Instagram, people have gone back, all right, they have reviewed the lessons, the themes of the movie and I feel like we as a culture have unlearned this entire movie Absolutely. And I do think, you know, we have to give it some credit, though, you know, for the time period that it was written in and for the things that we thought at the moment. You know, listen, still a great movie. Y'all not finna, take my movie out the queue, you know what I'm saying. Like, I'm still gonna watch it. The movie was great.
Speaker 1:The movie was great. Yeah, very toxic, very toxic, just want to be clear. It was very toxic. Just want to be clear it was toxic for a mature person. Now you know, I'm saying like, I feel like and I'm not, let me. Let me, let me clean that up a bit, not saying that it wasn't toxic, but like in your it, like in in a, in a less mature mindset you, it can, you, you it's like. No, like you, you can. You could probably identify with a lot of those feelings pretty close you know what.
Speaker 1:I'm saying, like you know there's a lot of, and so I think I think that, as cause, we grew up with it, so we saw it, we were teenagers or you know like, so we, we, we were kind of in that, in that mode. However, once you start to live life a little bit and realize it didn't really work that way and like, understand the nuances of you know life and relationships and all this stuff, but you might have to I think we had to grow up a little bit to get it Like in the moment it didn't feel.
Speaker 1:It felt closer to home. But you get, you know mature.
Speaker 2:And I think we also have to acknowledge that we, just as people, as a community, have learned so much more about relationships, right, you know, the relationships that we're trying to build today are not the relationships that our grandparents had. It's not the relationships that our parents' generations had. Every generation has added to the wisdom of what it takes to be in a great relationship, in a great loving relationship, and so we really can't go back and pull movies from 20, 25 years ago and fault them for how they portrayed relationships, because I think one thing that I think we'll talk about as we go through this series is that oftentimes, the art that's expressed is an expression of what's in the culture at that time period, right, and so it's almost like you opened up a time capsule and you're upset that it don't look like the day and it's like listen, no, you know that that was a reflection audience, though it's for a particular audience, is for a young like that was marketed to us who were young.
Speaker 2:It ain't marketed to us. That movie was not marketed toward us at the time we were in. Just to be clear, that movie was marketed toward the 20 year olds of the day Of that time period.
Speaker 1:When did it come out?
Speaker 2:We middle adults, but we ain't that old.
Speaker 1:It came out when 2000?
Speaker 2:2000.
Speaker 1:Okay, we were in 8th grade. So what I'm saying is it wasn't marketed for us. No, those types of movies were marketed for. They're marketed for us. No, those types of movies those movies were marketed for. They're marketed for teenagers. Those types of movies were marketed for, like, we were in that age group. It was not. We watched it and they they're saying like, even if like yeah, like okay, teenage, and maybe like 21, 22. Like it wasn't, it wasn't supposed to be much further than that.
Speaker 2:Isn't that kind of nefarious, though, like when you think about them making these movies with, you know, 13 and 14 year olds in mind. That's what they did, yeah, like we were being groomed, but anyways, it's the industry. Nevertheless, you know, hey, middle adults with, go go check what your kids is watching, okay, cause the media is trying to groom them. Okay, and we don't love and basketball jacked up my whole relationship history Okay, which we'll talk about in a minute. But you know, really, really pay attention to what they're watching, cause we were definitely 13 watching this, that's my point.
Speaker 1:I think that the, the mindset of the, of the, of the, the market and the crowd that was watching this would have seen it as something to aspire to, because you were in a mindset where you wouldn't have known anything better. And so now that we've grown up and lived a little life and gotten more mature, we look back and it's like, oh no, that was crazy, and that you know, and other movies that came out, but, like you know, so I just think to your point, we got to give it, give it credit for what it's due, for what it's due, but also recognize that most of us that are doing the criticizing were the ones that was marketed to in an immature state. Yeah, now we've grown and we see differently.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and it's literally something that we lived out and we was like, oh, that was trash, and a lot of our stories did not end up like Monica and Quincy and won't, Okay, and that's what. That's what I think. That's why people are mad now, Cause they looking at their life and they're like I went, I stood by that man from 20 years ago, you know, derailed my whole future trying to get him and it didn't work out Like Monica got her man. You know, Monica McCall. What was her name? I don't remember, but yes, Anyways, his name was Quincy McCall.
Speaker 2:She got her man and her career and her child. She got the whole package off of some tomfoolery, but anyways, we'll get there, we'll get there, we'll get there.
Speaker 1:But I do think we can start. So if you haven't seen the movie because, let's face it, there's some people out here who have not seen the movie that's okay.
Speaker 2:And the movie, because, let's face it, there's some people out here who have not seen the movie. That's okay. Well, you haven't seen and I want you to. I want you. If you have not seen this movie, I'd love for you to dm me. I'd like to have a one-on-one conversation with you, uh, to figure out, you know, wait, what else you miss.
Speaker 1:We are not we are not here to judge your queen. If the people didn't see the movie, they didn't see the movie, so sorry y'all. This is one of my faves, so we. So the movie's broken up. It is about it is about love and basketball. It is about a couple, um uh, who grow up. Well, it's about a couple. They eventually become a couple that start off as best friends, neighbors, as kids. They grew up together. They both played, they were frenemies, they were, you know, they were very competitive. They both play basketball. Um, in this case, the girl was like more passionate about basketball than than the boy. Girl's name is monica, boy's name is quincy, and so they were in a uh. No, I'm sorry, you threw me off at your face, you wanted to. You don't think she was more passionate it uh, come back to me what okay, I, I just would not have termed it like that.
Speaker 2:I think I mean we can talk about in the in the first first one. I don't know, I just I that's not how I would have described it. I think that's something that he discovered later. I don't think that that's how I, that's not how I would have described it. I think that's something that he discovered later. I don't think that that's how we entered into the movie with with him, less passionate than her about basketball. She, just her identity was so wrapped up in it. But anyways, that's why I didn't want to say nothing, cause it's you know all right.
Speaker 1:So so you have two people and two, two kids, and they're very, um, they love basketball, they're really competitive, they are, um, kind of you know, frenemies and they grew up together, and so the movie is actually broken up, broken up into four different quarters, all right. So it kind of goes through their life, from kids to adults, and tracks their relationships individually and together. So what we're going to do is we're going to each take one of those quarters, talk a little bit about, like you know, what happens in it, and then pull out the thing that we think is important to unlearn from each one of those. And so we're going to start with quarter one, right, and I think and quinta kind of you alluded to it, um, when you were saying, when you alluded to her in your earlier comments like this idea of she had she, she ended up getting it all right. It was like you got, you know, you got the man, you got your dream, you got your baby, you got everything.
Speaker 1:And throughout the entire movie, starting from the beginning, there was this tension with I, I want the. You know, I want to play ball, I want the career, I want the. I'm a baller, you know, I'm a. She said that so many times. Right, yeah, it's like I I'm doing, like I want to do that.
Speaker 1:And there was also this, this tension with growing up with a mom who was very much the opposite of that right and so she's grown up in a house where she has these dreams, but they're not supported by her mother figure, who would rather her wear dresses and, you know, put on makeup and do all. Do be more girly and like her older sister, like her older sister, right. So I think that, um and I say this, I can identify, I could identify very, very much with this character take your time here I was not interested at all in any and like any of the stuff that my mom wanted me to be interested in.
Speaker 1:Just like monica, I wanted to play sports. I wanted to wear shorts, t-shirts. I want to. I wanted to do what the boys did. I just felt like they had it easier and I didn't have to work as hard and I could have more fun, and I just didn't understand why I had to do this other stuff Right, and so I had tension with my mom in that, I mean, there was a, there was a moment we I think there was some dance and I needed a dress and we went to the store to get one and we both walked out the store crying because we just could not get it together.
Speaker 1:I was upset about what I had to wear. She didn't want, she didn't like that. I was upset, she was mad about all this. So it was just a whole thing. So I totally get where this character was coming from and I also think that one of the most important things that we have that I had to unlearn. It was like I grew up thinking it had to be either or right and I had to either follow my dream, if you, if you will like, as a child, right Doing the things I want to do, um doing the activities I wanted to do, or I had to do what my mom wanted me to do. Right, which was something.
Speaker 2:I didn't really want to be yeah, so it's.
Speaker 1:It was hard, but I think the thing that, as I grew up and understood, is that, no, like it's not an either or it's a both, and like there is a, there is a Ruth Abigail that exists in all of this, in all of this world.
Speaker 1:Right, it's, it doesn't have, you, don't have to choose, um, and so I just have to find myself in it, and I think that the movie it tracks that right with her is finding her full self and understanding it doesn't have to be either, or I could be my full self, and it it shows a pretty picture of the end of that story, although it is not that simple, right yeah and so we can get there when we get there.
Speaker 1:But I think that's one of the things we have, that that that we can unlearn from that is like it's not an either or situation. Like you're, you're who you are, is who you are, and that's gonna look different in different seasons. Uh, because with different roles in your life, different passions come to play, and so you know it's not, it's not, it's not a thing we have to pick. I have to be this.
Speaker 2:No you don't like you're.
Speaker 2:You're more complex than that but I think, you know, the movie spends so much of kind of like that first quarter of the movie, like, really like, laying out the different gender roles and representations that are there. And like you know, like you have, like you know, her mom, who's cute and prissy and ironing clothes and all she's always she's usually in the kitchen in the movie or got something in her hands that she's doing. You know, like her dad specifically, yes, like, and so it is very much a I serve your father. You know, I, I, I'm trying to raise y'all up to be this type of woman. And then you have Quincy's mom, who did the fake and bake. You know, like I'm just gonna go buy me a cake and I'm, you know, living a little posh over here with my big ball of husband. You know, in the beginning of the movie we'll get to the rest. I know y'all that know the movie like we getting there Right, and so you know, like there's just this display of what does it mean to be a woman, like, what does it mean to be feminine, and I think that for me, growing up, that was definitely something that I had to unlearn because I was five, 11.
Speaker 2:Luckily I had, I had all male friends, um, and from eighth grade and up I was surrounded by guys. Luckily they hit growth spurts, because I was really worried. In the eighth grade I was like all right, I'm 5'10 and y'all are like 5'6, please. And then one summer, one summer, they shot up and I was like we're going to be all right, we're going to be okay. But you know I struggle with words. Like you know, don't be intimidating and you know, don't be overbearing and don't have too much personality. Because in my mind, being feminine meant being hidden, it meant being small and it meant being just kind of like squished down, like a squished down version of myself.
Speaker 2:And I think the thing that Monica learned, that I had to also learn, was that I could be all of the different pieces of myself and still be great at my great thing. You know she felt like she had in order to be a ball player. I'm a ball player, she says that so many times in the movie. So it's like girl chill, girl chill, chillax, you know. But even also when we were in high school, like you know, like you kind of get sequestered into like certain little sex. Yeah, like you know, sex x, e, c, t, s, we got it okay, I really felt like I needed to.
Speaker 2:It's okay, spell that out for the saints, but you know like you got like your athletes you you got your band people, you got your nerds, you got your. You know the people who just kind of hang out in the hall. You know like you have just different groups of people and so learning how to be identified outside of a group I think are outside of like this prescribed identity, I think it's something that we all have to unlearn.
Speaker 1:That's a lot of times, not just your family or the people closest to you, but society will put on you. You know, and I think that's it's something that, like you said, we all go through and we do have to you grow it.
Speaker 2:You have a choice you can grow deeper into that kind of singularity or you can grow and learn more about who you are and kind of grow beyond that um yeah, and so I think, I think, I think, yeah, yeah, all right all right, I'm gonna transition to the next one by kind of pulling a theme from the beginning that goes into the second one. Sorry, I'm adding something real quick, but I think that aesthetics is such a huge part of this movie, like the way that we look, you know it was the way her hair was done, or the way what she was wearing, or how she showed up. That was really like, oh, you know, you know you don't dress up like. You know Gabrielle Union's character or you know you're not, you know putting yourself out there in a certain way. And I think that when we get by the time we get to the second quarter, like that is something that like she's really like kind of battling with like her hair, yeah Right, like she's a ball I'm a ball player, you know she's a ball player. So you know she got the corner, she got a straight back. Like she's like hey, lena, put them straight backs in. You know I got the. You know I got the game tonight, you know. And then when she gets to the point where it's OK, now I got to get ready to go to the dance, she has to find a new aesthetic to fit kind of this version of herself, that wants to date and that wants to be seen and recognized and celebrated by men and by, you know, other women.
Speaker 2:And I think that when we think about just like the aesthetics of how we show up, like a lot of times we want to show up in a certain way and sometimes we try to show up in a way that helps us to be more easily accepted. So, anyways, that just hit me. But by the time we get to quarter two, all right, we're now like senior year, high school, right, quincy's doing his thing, he like the big ball player. His daddy is a famous ball player. So you know Quincy comes in and he's like that guy. You know, like he got press conferences like where's Quincy McCall going? You know everybody want to know what he going, to, what he going, where he gonna go right, and uh, monica fighting for her life yes out here.
Speaker 2:You know she is barely getting seen by recruiters, um, and I think the thing that stands out the most is that her I'm a ball player like every time she says that. Oh yeah, the little cheerleaders in the uh saying U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah, yeah, you ugly. I love that. Listen, these cheerleaders side note these cheerleaders now with the chants in the stands they be hitting so hard. Shout out to the I like the little knock if you buck cheer thing. We got going on, but anyways, you know Monica fighting for her life out there. You know every, every point, every bit of recognition. She's good. You can tell that her team is leaning on her. But she got a little bit of anger issue and it's, it's, it's not. She's not angry because of basketball, but she doesn't realize that yet. Like she doesn't realize that, like she's carrying, carrying these, these uh themes of anger. And it comes out later in the movie where she like goes off on her mom about something, like you know, and like you know, like she's angry because she doesn't feel accepted it, and but she hasn't put all this together. She's getting it all out, everything that she has she's getting out in the game. But it's also causing her not to get recruited because every time, you know, she faces a hard situation, she's blowing up. And so, Quincy, on a wonderful ride home, where the man tells her that who you taking to the dance, the homecoming dance? Spaulding, which was disrespectful, okay, it was disrespectful. Dan Spaulding, which was disrespectful, disrespectful, okay, it was disrespectful, it was very disrespectful. But he basically tells her you know, like you're not going to get recruited because of your attitude, yeah, and you know, she, you know, goes off, goes back, goes off, goes literally Just like, proves his point, it's like reminding him of some scar hitting him, like she is upset about it, but it's like, you know, for the things.
Speaker 2:I think the thing that I had to unlearn about that is that a lot of times we think that we can get to the places we're aiming for based off of our gift and off of our talent. Yeah, but if you don't have the character that can carry the weight of what your, what your ambition is, your ambition will fall through every time. That's right, right. And so she gets in these games. She gets, she gets to the most important game of her career, of her high school career, and she blows up Yep, right, and, and and loses her head and it causes her to lose the game. Yeah, I mean. And so I think that that was something that I really had to unlearn in my twenties, because I I was trying to lead with what I thought I was good at or what I thought would be the thing that would get me to the next level, and I had to unlearn that success is not dependent on what I can do. Success is dependent on who I'm willing to become.
Speaker 1:Yes, yes, and I think she, the, the, the, her, her attitude again, like you said, reflected what was really going on inside of her, and anytime like and I think I you know this is something that I've learned as a leader is is you learn to look at people. Um, you learn to look past the gifts of people when, when you're a leader, right, yes, um. And so for those of you that are leaders, or those of you that um are under particular leadership, uh, particularly those that are under leadership, you know that you might respect or you have, you have leaders that you look up to understand that the good leaders of which I personally aspire to beat you, right, um, they look past your gift.
Speaker 1:I really try to tell uh, I try to tell my team that a lot is you know, I know, like what you, what you're capable of, um, and what you can do. It's like, ah, that's great, like I'm, I and I'm, but I, really, I am more concerned about your character. I'm more concerned about your attitude. I'm more concerned about things I can't teach you.
Speaker 1:Honestly when you walk into a space skills and gifts. You can teach that Now. You may not ever be the best at a thing, but what really makes people thrive at what they do is not their gift.
Speaker 1:It is their character, because it's going to take high character, high integrity. It's going to take an ability to control your emotions, to move through things consistently and with longevity and, at the end of the day, a leader wants to know that you can move through difficult times. That's if, if, if. Every time a hard time comes up and I got to worry about how you going to be, I don't want you on my team. Yo, I don't want you on my team. I don't have time for that, right, and so.
Speaker 1:I think, and so as as as people who are under leadership or or look to or aspire to be leaders, like hey, in any capacity, like you being concerned about how somebody is going to respond when I'm, when a hard moment comes, it's not something you want on your back, because you've got a million other things to do and to pay attention to and a million decisions to make. And so if you can take that off of the plate of your leader by saying I'm going to make sure that my spirit, my soul is right, so that when things do come up that are hard and challenging and they will that I don't put that burden on the person that's leading to have to manage that about me.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:That is a gift to people who are leaders.
Speaker 2:Listen, one that's such a great leadership tip. Okay, because I do think that, as we are growing in our leadership, that was something that I would tell my team every time is my job. You're already good at what you do. If I left you alone and I wasn't here, you would still be good at what you do. That is what I hired good people and I knew that they would be good at what they did.
Speaker 2:My job was I'm always developing you for the room you're going to sit in next, not the thing you're going to do next. I'm developing you to be able to sit in the next room, in the higher room. I want to give you insight into what it takes to sit at the next level, and so in every conversation that I had and in every moment that I had to impart, my mind was focused on how can I build them to be in the room that they're going to next. So it wasn't, oh man, you just so amazing at what you're doing, you're so great and absolutely that, like you have to be able to affirm like you can't, you can't lead from a place of you're never good enough. You know like, no, like you, you have to. You have to affirm what they have, so that because that's helping them to build their toolkit right.
Speaker 2:I needed to be affirmed in my ability to speak and energize a room and and to bring people together and build community. I needed to be affirmed in that. But I also needed to be built up to supervise, which was a whole different beast. Right Now I'm having to build up to be an administrator, which is not not my forte, you know, but as a leader. As a leader, it has been a gift to both receive and to and to give out. You know the, the gift of becoming Like, let me help you become rather than celebrating what you have. And I think by the time we get to the next quarter, I think Monica really started to understand that when she got to a place that was bigger than what she where she was and she had to grow.
Speaker 1:Yeah and uh, and I think that's so moving into the third quarter is when they go to college. Right, and to what you said, queda, the affirmation piece. You know if those of you that have been on a sports team, you know you got. If a great coach is going to coach you and coach the job of the coach is not to always let me say it like this Her, her affirmation was getting on the team. That was your affirmation, like you're here and so what. But what she wanted was was praise, which is two different things. Right, she wanted praise for all the things. She wanted the accolades, she wanted the applauses. Her affirmation that you're good enough was because you're here Now I got to coach you, and coaches, the best coaches, pull out things you didn't know you had right, it's not them praising you for what you know you have, it's pulling stuff out, and anytime somebody pulls things out, it can be kind of tough.
Speaker 1:So she went through that right. Time somebody pulls things out, it can be kind of tough. So she went through that right, and her coach was riding her and, as she was feeling herself, her coach was like okay, there's a scene right when she, uh, in practice, where she, um, she shoots right and she makes this, they're scrimmaging. And she shoots and she makes a three and she stands there feeling herself and her man goes back and scores because she wasn't defending him. And so coach blows the whistle and says your man just scored. And she looked at her crazy. And then the coach was like, show me again. So she put her hand up there, show me again, so you like it so much. And so she made her stand over there with her little pose in front of her whole team and she was humiliated because you didn't understand that you need coaching. You don't need praise, you need coaching, yo listen.
Speaker 2:So I think something that I teach all the time is that, as you are trying to go from one level to the other, is that you need mentorship, slash coaching. And mentors deal with potential. They don't deal with greatness. Yeah, like they are not there to celebrate and give room for your greatness. They are there to cultivate and to to dig out everything that threatens your potential, and so they are constantly going to be on you about the things that I was like if your mentor don't get on your nerves, if your mentor ain't bringing out the deep, dark, ugly stuff that's in there, you ain't got a good mentor, you got an encourager. You have a supporter. You need the whole squad, but get you somebody, put people, and I think that that was something that I had to learn. I had to learn to appreciate it, because I was like Monica, I was like get him off my case. You brought me, me here, so you obviously think I'm good enough. Why you got so much to say like, leave me alone.
Speaker 2:You know every, at every turn, she was pulling monica forward. Yes, monica, point guards lead from the front, not the back. You know monica had to run to the front. Monica, you know like and my, my absolute favorite line of the movie is after Monica finally has her breakthrough moment. You know, like she finally gets to the point where she, like you know, she, she started in a game because the other player broke her ankle and, um, now she started in the game, has a good game, saves the game, you know, with a defensive block, not by shooting, by taking a hit, you know. And so you know, she goes up to her coach and finally, that praise that she's been waiting for, like she finally has, like this moment where the, where the coach is like, you know, good game, way to ball, yeah. And. And she says I thought you hated me, yeah.
Speaker 2:And the coach says do you think I go horse for a player with no potential? When I ignore you? That's when you worry. That's when you worry, right, because for every man you can ask, especially like those that are closest to me, every person that I know that God has assigned to my life to pour into, I am like, hey, listen, I stay asking the Lord what's next for them? What can I impart in them to get them to their next level? Because at no point do I want to get to a point, and I think this is not in the movie, but it's important.
Speaker 2:As a leader, if I want to pull you along, I have to make sure that I'm surrendered in those same areas of my life that I'm trying to pull you in. I can't just be like I go horse because you got potential and I went. When somebody is recognizing what needs to be pulled at me, what needs to be developed in me, I don't surrender and I have the same attitude you have. Right, and I'm sitting there like you hired me, didn't you you, you you call me, didn't you? You know I'm good If I have that attitude, the attitude that I have will ultimately reflect in my players. Right, because it goes from the head down. Right, and so you can't be passionate about mentoring others and you don't want to be mentored yourself.
Speaker 1:You got it. Yes, you need every, every. Every coach needs a coach, every mentor needs a mentor, like that's for sure. You gotta have that. So so, so. So we've been talking a lot about Monica, but the third quarter is also a very pivotal quarter for Quincy. Okay, so Quincy swear it got deep. Quincy, you know, we, we, you remember he's, he's, uh, his father is a a professional basketball player and he and he and his, uh, he and his wife are going through some things there is a um, there is a, a paternity test out there for whether or not Quincy's dad you know what I'm saying Stepped out.
Speaker 1:You know, know I'm saying stepped out. You know I'm saying had another child right, and so quincy finds out and and and his dad is like no son. You know that wasn't me. You have what you would say, what he said. You had the balls to ask me that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah yeah, I'm like come on, man you gonna ask me that you know.
Speaker 1:And so he, he tells him that ain't me, man, like you know, I didn't do that, I would never do that. X, y, z. So then he, quincy, goes back home to his mom. Mom is sitting there drunk, crying, and In the dark by the pool, like he's, like mama, you alright.
Speaker 1:And she said you know something, they, you know something, they get into it. Because he was like you mean you gonna believe that, whatever he calls the girl. And she said you know. He said don't you be telling me? You know you be telling me about all these girls. And she said I should have been telling your father that. So they went all of a sudden. I just watched this movie. So so they go through all of this. And so, anyway, she gives him and throws the, the paternity test out, and he finds out pop, stepped out, had a kid. So now see, cause Quincy was all about I want to be just like my dad, I just want to be just like my dad, I want to be just like my dad. And uh, and so he finds out and he's just, he's crushed, he's devastated, right, um. And so he and Monica have this moment, um, that uh, where, where he really needed her to be there for him, and she is. She's there, but also has to make sure she handles her responsibilities.
Speaker 1:And so um so that it's love and basketball now? All right, okay, okay, there's both like attention, attention, attention. Can you feel it, can you feel?
Speaker 2:it.
Speaker 1:Okay, so, um, this is what I think is important to unlearn, uh, from this quarter is that, uh, we have to unlearn that relationships will stay the way they started.
Speaker 1:Relationships will very rarely stay the way they started yeah um, and so that is with him and his dad, with his dad and his mom, what he and monica right, my lord and basketball right get in there. All of these relationships are going through transitions and what quincy could not handle is the transition Monica was having with her career in college. He didn't handle that and she couldn't understand and didn't know how to support him in the transition of the relationship with he and his dad right, and so it affected their relationship, which now is there's, there's beginning a transition there because they're trying to figure out what she's trying to figure out, like how do I support at this time? By the way, they are dating at this point, all right. I don't know if we said that we really skipped over that because I really didn't want to hit that little bedroom scene.
Speaker 2:Okay, y'all done, talked about it enough.
Speaker 1:But they're a full blown couple, they're together and all this stuff, and so she really didn't know how to be there for him. So, anyway, you gotta know like relationships rarely, rarely, rarely, um stay how they start, and you have to know, like okay, how it's important to understand. How do you, how do I properly transition?
Speaker 2:with people in relation as as I'm transitioning myself, I think we would be remiss because I think the the scene where they're in the bleachers late at night, monica's looking at the clock, quincy's pouring his heart out about his dad I think that's such a pivotal scene in the movie. That's kind of like the climax where it's like Monica is growing in basketball but Quincy is like kind of coming down off of basketball because he's also starting to realize basketball and my pops were the same right. And I think that we get to a point in our lives, especially in the transition from young adulthood to middle adulthood, where we start dropping things off because we realize that something in my life was not connected to my original design, something else got in my box because of an influence that I no longer am trusting. Once the influence of that person is gone, am I still connected to this thing? And he's not only facing the breakup of his parents, he's also facing his breakup with basketball because of his breakup with his dad. That's right breakup with basketball because of his breakup with his dad and Monica. I think sometimes you know he's sitting there and he's trying to express himself.
Speaker 2:But I think something that's important to note in relationships we don't often feel the weight of what other people are really carrying. You know, in that moment she has her own tension and she's carrying. He was great on the basketball court and celebrated in basketball. She's having to work for every inch of her respect and she's right at her own critical turning point while he's at a turning point, and it's like they're turning in different directions and and so in that moment they both had choices to make and that was a moment where you can say what you want to say. And I know, I know he could have. He could have called on the phone. They ain't had face time back then. Nope, you know he could have went to her room. I don't really want to be around people. Sir, we're gonna have like a middle point could be, could be found somewhere, somehow right. But I think that because neither one of them recognized or respected the moment that they were in, because they hit at the same time, they both mishandled each other.
Speaker 1:Yep, yep, yeah, I think I think one of the key points here is, like you know how, what are the key questions to answer? And and this this is kind of you see the results of not doing this in the fourth quarter of the movie is um, how do I, how do I prepare for a transition like that, cause that's going to happen, like whatever relationships you're in right now, whatever, whatever they are family spouse, kids, whatever, like the way they start isn't how they're going to stay.
Speaker 1:So what do I need to do? How do I need to transition to that? And I honestly day. So what do?
Speaker 2:I need to do. How do I need?
Speaker 1:to transition to that and I honestly one thing, the most important thing, two things is number one expect it and communicate about it beforehand.
Speaker 1:You don't need to be caught by surprise Like expect the transition, expect it you may not know what's going to cause a transition, but you know it's going to happen and then establish healthy communication patterns so that, when it does happen, you don't have to like you know how to handle that with your words and not just your feelings. And so I think that is very, very important as we, as we as we think about what it looks like to handle relationships and big transitional moments.
Speaker 1:So as we move to the fourth quarter. We kind of see like they didn't do that well and we kind of see the fruit of what that looks like.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think it's also interesting and I don't know why. I'm into transition phases right now, but I think what we what, as we go into the fourth quarter, kind of end up breaking up. Quincy enters into the draft. Monica is like he was, like I got a lot going on right now. You obviously don't have time for it. He's doing a lot.
Speaker 2:Again, his feelings was hurt and it was weighty, I get it and I get it. It was more than just his parents and his dad, it was him. You know, everything was tied up in understanding that relationship. But as we move to the fourth quarter, we see Monica like killing it in basketball. You know she's in Spain now. She, you know she got her hair out now and some curls, you know, because, again, but aesthetics of the movie are important, your point, you know, like in high school she had them straight backs. You know, the moment she took her hair down it was like, oh wow, she's beautiful, she's amazing. Right, then we go to college. She had a little ponytail all the time, right, right, amazing, right, then we go to college. She had that little ponytail all the time. Right, right now we get to. Now we're grown. Yeah, now we got grown woman hair. Do you know it looked like, you know, and who way? I want to know who was doing her hair in spain.
Speaker 1:Can I like who? Can I say this thing about the ponytail? I ain't gonna lie and I'm just not clicking. It's not clicking for me. I think that's that. That was you. Yeah, I think that's where I felt like, oh, I, I could do that. Monica did it. I could wear a ponytail. Anyway, go ahead, it's fine, it looks terrible.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Because we got to take a moment. Do y'all know how long it took us to get? Ruth didn't have a ponytail, she had a clip. When Ruth found the claw clip? Oh, let me tell you something.
Speaker 1:That hair. Oh, and let me tell you something that hair was wrapped every day. Yes, it was every day, but anywho, that I just had to make that point.
Speaker 2:Like you know, I didn't realize until this conversation, the parallels, oh there's, and this is, this is intense, this is intense. Yeah, I feel like I was like lena, you know. I'm like for sure you're beautiful. Okay, that's how, um, but anywho. So we get to the fourth quarter.
Speaker 2:Monica is killing it in Spain. Um, you know, she don't even understand what the people saying. She over there lacing up her ankle and tying her shoes, and and this coach is giving the speech of a lifetime, right, you know. He's like hey, you know we didn't win before, you know, but we're going to push for it now. This is our moment. You know we're going to be great. All in Spanish, yeah, all in Spanish, all in Spanish.
Speaker 2:Monica's not paying any attention. She speaks to the one player who probably knew English and she's like hey, what did he say? And he said pass you the ball girl. And so Monica's like bet, that's all I need to know. So Monica is killing it and is becoming FYI. This is before the WNBA. So, for women to be great in basketball, you went to go play professionally overseas, just FYI. And so Monica's killing it and, uh, q quentin is struggling. Yes, all right, he entered into the draft prematurely? Yes, because he had not been developed. Again, we go back to this theme of talent versus development. You are not good enough because you have a talent come on, you have, especially when it hasn't been tested at that level. You only played one year of college basketball you get what I'm saying and didn't finish. You entered the draft in the middle of your first college season, and so your talent, your natural gifts, have not been refined. They haven't been through any fire. You haven't seen the testing of it yet.
Speaker 1:One of the young ladies in Angel Street and she recently just said that she wants to do something different next year because she wants to make money, and she really wants to make money with singing, but really she's okay with any kind of job. So I started asking her these questions. I said, hey, okay, well, I'm okay with this. She has a great voice, she has a beautiful voice. And I asked her. I said, well, who's going to help you with that? I don't know. Do you have an idea of what you want to do? No, I don't know. It's all these. I don't knows.
Speaker 1:And I said hey, don't cut yourself off from a source of support and just go out there and try to do it yourself. You're not ready, right To your point. The talent isn't developed. You're not ready for this. You want to, but you have in your mind like Quincy had in his mind recognition, dollar signs and the thing that I think I don't want for her, that we saw with Quincy people will pump you up and use you and they will not care how it ends up for you.
Speaker 1:They're not going to care, and so, yeah, you sound great. Oh my gosh, you have a beautiful voice. Come over here and do with people who are really just using you. They're not trying to develop you. They just going to use you until they're done with you, and then you're like oh okay, you really weren't who, we thought you were Right.
Speaker 1:And so just like, just like this this 16 year old girl now is is she literally is like oh man, please don't make that choice. I don't, I don't want that for you. You might have to. So you see, but it's a real thing and you really gotta, you, gotta, you gotta understand like that. Young people with talent are going to get faced with this and we need support to help them to maybe make a better decision, but also to be there when it probably isn't going to work out the way they want but you know, this goes back to the conversation we just had about coaching, though.
Speaker 2:Right, because his dad was the voice in his ear that was coaching him to greatness. And his dad remember his dad didn't even want him to go to USC. He was, like you, go to Princeton, like you know, you don't need basketball, you're more than just you know a ball player, you know, like you, there you can be more, you can have more. And so his dad was the voice in his ear that was coaching him. But when you break trust, right, and that's why it's so important to emphasize that, as the life of a leader also matters more than the gift, yes, because leadership and pouring out knowledge and wisdom, those are gifts. But if you don't match that up with lifestyles, you will find yourself in a situation like his father Now you can't speak to him peaceably, now he's discarding everything you said, and we oftentimes don't realize how we become stumbling blocks to people because we think our lives are our own. Your life is not yours. If you have committed yourself to the service of being somebody else's voice of wisdom, reason, knowledge, experience, whatever, you have now obligated yourself to live in a way that magnifies what you're teaching and not minimize it. And so Quincy minimized it. He minimized everything his dad had ever said to him. His dad, his dad, prized education. He minimized it and he maximized what he knew would ultimately bother his father.
Speaker 2:Anyways, we do got to talk about this relationship, because it is love and basketball. Yes, it is Going back to Monica. Monica, finally, she ends up playing with one of her friends, sid. They're in the playoffs. Monica wins, they're out to eat. Her friend is like you ain't hollering at none of these men. Monica's like no, I don't talk to none of them because she's stuck. That's what I want to talk to us today about. Okay, monica in the fourth quarter of her life All right, it's still stuck on this man from high school and college.
Speaker 1:There's that cut sound like for you, Queen, Right Matthew.
Speaker 2:No, because let me, I'd listen, listen, and Ruth Abigail knows, and we ain't, we ain't got to go too deep In this case, I was mama.
Speaker 1:Okay.
Speaker 2:Listen, okay, listen, and we're not. I know we'd be transparent on here, but I'm a wholesome. Today We'll hold that. I'm a, I'm a hold it. I'm a hold it in the room right now because, but I'm going to hold some today, we'll hold that. I'm going to hold it in the room right now.
Speaker 2:But I will say it is so easy to get stuck on what you were trying to make great in your past and it's really because you don't believe anything else better will come. That's correct. You don't believe that that and you got to think about this was a woman who had only ever dated one man, and it was her next door neighbor man. That's crazy, you know, I'm saying she didn't even believe she was beautiful until he touched her. That's, oh, shoot, that's. You get what I'm saying. Like it is she. She didn't. She had. She had waited for so long for him to be the one to validate her, to make her feel feminine and special and loved and wanted, and when she finally got there, I don't think she realized that that was what she became fixated on. Was that this is the man that made me feel worthy? This is the man that made me feel worthy, and when he left, she couldn't find her sense of worth anymore. She fell out of love with basketball. But it really wasn't basketball that she fell out of love with. It was the idea that she lost what she thought was the best thing she could ever have. Yeah, that's right. She fell out of love with basketball because she had connected it to him. Yeah, yep, yep, that's it, and so it's.
Speaker 2:You know, I think about another movie that I really it's one of those movies you watch once and you literally never need to see again. Okay, it's what is it For? Color girls? Only when the rainbow. You watch it once and then you're like, yeah, never again, never again. But there is a poem in there that I think is it? Uh, it was loretta devine in that movie, I think. So I think it was loretta devine doing the poem and she was. And it's a give, give me back my stuff. I want all my stuff back. And it's actually written that a movie is written from a play and it's give, give me back my stuff.
Speaker 2:And I'm telling you you have left pieces of yourself in these past relationships and it's called a soul tie, friend. Soul ties are made in different ways. You can have emotional soul ties because she had in her in her soul, tie basketball in this man together, tied her identity, her self-worth, her, her understanding of who she was and who she could be with this man. And it's like honey, boo-boo, no, no. And as as a middle adult, you really have to get to a point where you evaluate these relationships that you still pining after and say what did, what got tied up on the inside of me that I need to let loose because it don't work the way it worked in this movie. Friends, no, you don't go knock on his window and say I want to play you for your heart. Okay, absolutely not. We're not. First of all, you bet not.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hear me when I say two weeks before his wedding, she, two weeks. She gonna say I will, I'm still in love with you, I want to play you for your heart, and that it's just.
Speaker 2:And then then she loses, and so lost I'm just saying, if you get to that point, girl, you should have been pregnant and this man had a knee brace on was was determined first of all. I mean, we can get it again. Y'all have heard these arguments on the internet. But any man who you humiliates you right, like that and then like, first of all, how he changed his mind in 20 seconds like you know, like he wouldn't have played if he didn't really wanted to win.
Speaker 2:He didn't change his mind, he wouldn't play first of all, don't take me through the the dramatics. That's what he did. Let's let's a conversation. That was a problem. No communication, just let's play. Play me for your heart. You know I didn't even talk, just double or nothing. That's it. We back. You know, now, absolutely not Communicate.
Speaker 2:Now I'm not saying here's what I'm not saying and I don't want nobody to get stuck from this. Okay, I'm not saying, here's what I'm not saying and I don't want nobody to get stuck from this. Okay, I'm not saying that sometimes the thing from the past doesn't work out for your future. But if you have to reach back to get it, you ain't. If you have to think like how you used to think and act, how you used to act and do what you used to do to get it, then that's going to take you backwards and you're not supposed to have it Now. If it's somebody who has met you and they're in their future present self and they're reaching forth and you're reaching forth and we can reach forth together, and they're reaching forth and you're reaching forth and we can reach forth together, okay, but reaching back to get something will always pull you backwards. It'll pull you backwards in your mindset, it'll pull you backwards in your development.
Speaker 2:Now, don't let this movie fool you. It is fiction. It's fiction. It is fiction Going back and getting them old things. You know, for me, ruth Abigail, I, after I was done talking to somebody, I was never the person that deleted the numbers, deleted the photos. You know I was holding on. I was like, oh, you know, but that's memories. You know that was part of my story. No, I now believe in the purge.
Speaker 1:I was always the one. I deleted a meeting and then if it ever rekindled, I'd have to put them back like they were gone. I was done, like listen, I was done, but I I wasn't really done, you know. I mean like yeah so but, but I made myself think I was. But yeah, I mean you, you got yeah listen, she never purged, she never.
Speaker 2:That man was on her mind the whole time. When that man broke his ACL, she said I got to go. She said bye, spain, I got to go see him. And that's when she found Tyra Banks, who the worst actor. I'm sorry, we love you, tyra, thank you for everything you've done you know she was terrible in that movie you know, she bothered me entirely.
Speaker 1:Oh, absolutely, but maybe it's just her character, but she played a very annoying character very well.
Speaker 2:Yeah, which is why nobody liked it. Even Monica's mama was like you mean the flight attendant. We was over it Like Tyra, over it like Tyra, please. And where, tyra? Where you at, when your man out here playing another woman for his heart, you know where?
Speaker 1:because she on a flight. Um uh, yeah, so alright um, listen, main takeaways.
Speaker 2:Okay, what did we learn from first quarter?
Speaker 1:Ruth Abigail we learned that you have to pick. I'm sorry we have up we unlearned that you really that you have to pick who one or the other. As far as who you want, to be right, you get to be who you fully are and it doesn't have to look just one way in throughout your life. It'll look different ways in different seasons.
Speaker 2:Yes, quarter two All right. The thing that we unlearned is the idea that your talent will carry your ambition to the finish line over your development right. You have to begin to prize who you're becoming, over what you can do.
Speaker 1:And in quarter three we unlearned that relationships will stay the way they start and that we have to learn how to properly transition and maintain healthy relationships through transitions, by expecting it and developing healthy communication habits when they get to difficult points.
Speaker 2:Yeah, All right, quarter four All right, listen, friends, get unstuck. Okay, we learned we learned right that whatever has you stuck from the past is preventing you from getting what God has for you in your future stuck from the past is preventing you from getting what God has for you in your future.
Speaker 1:And there you have it, folks. Love and basketball, friends, love and basketball, love and basketball the unlearned way. Okay, absolutely, absolutely. So we are going to be doing this for the rest of the summer. We'll have several other movies. You'll have to tune in to see what else we're talking about, but so we are. What is it? What do we have to tell the people? See what else we're talking about? Uh, but uh, so we are. Uh, what is it? What do we have to tell people? What do we tell the people? Uh, like, share and subscribe.
Speaker 2:All right, friends, listen. All right, this is a community, we're building community. We have some amazing things coming for you guys. So many great things on the horizon. Please, please, please, hit the like button. Share it with a friend. Okay, if you too have, you might not have written an essay about it like myself, right, but if you have you feel free to do that.
Speaker 2:Listen, listen if you, if you connect with what we're talking about, if you connect with the movie, listen, hit us in the comments. You know I'll listen. I'm ready to squabble, let's talk about it, right? No, but for real, we want to. We want to chat with you guys.
Speaker 1:And yeah, yeah, all right. So let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom. We'll see y'all next week, peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.
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