The UnlearnT Podcast
The UnlearnT Podcast is designed to help you gain the courage to change your mind about things you never thought you would change your mind about. Our hope is that you will begin to move towards a life of freedom after hearing stories from individuals who have chosen to unlearn some things in their lives.
The UnlearnT Podcast
Escapism, Burnout, and the Unlearning of Rest as a Single Leader
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
We dig into the rhythms of rest for single leaders, why “always on” culture masks pride and fear, and how Sabbath realigns identity from performance to presence. We name escapism and avoidance, and we offer practices and people that help you take the cape off.
• why rest is a command and a gift
• the loneliness and pressure of single leadership
• unlearning work-first discipleship in church spaces
• practicing humility, trust, and partnership with God
• rest vs escapism vs avoidance explained
• anxiety, health signals, and nervous system care
• how to find friends who can hold your “I’m tired”
• simple Sabbath practices you can start today
Share it with a friend. Share it with somebody you know. They probably need it as much as you do.
Welcome And Series Context
SPEAKER_00Hello, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast. I am your host for Davigill, aka R A. What's up, friends?
SPEAKER_03It's your girl, Jacquelita.
SPEAKER_00And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom. Yay! Hey, we free having brand this piece.
SPEAKER_03We get free. I won't like bam my fist, but my my glass, my desk is glass. Yeah, we don't want to do that. Yeah, it's just yeah, we don't want to do that. I got excited, all right, about freedom.
SPEAKER_00Exciting. We're gonna get free, guys. We've been getting free in this series. Okay, listen.
SPEAKER_03Listen.
SPEAKER_00Because this series, uh, you you've you've heard us talk about before, but look, this is this series is very important to Jaquita and I. And when we when we came, when we when we began to talk about it, we knew. We were just having a conversation. We knew. We was like, this is it. This is it. This is what the people need right here. This is it.
SPEAKER_03Okay, even if y'all don't need it, we needed it.
SPEAKER_00Amen.
Why Guidance Was Missing In Our 20s
SPEAKER_03I mean, you know, so you know, do you ever think like, you know, because I feel like I have devoted my life to like pouring into people younger than myself so that they would walk through their 20s and early 30s differently than I did, or at least feeling like they had a manual. You know, like I remember in my 20s having just no clue. Like, and now I look back and I'm like, dang, I wish somebody would have really set me down for real and and helped me to walk through some of the stuff. I mean, and don't get me wrong, there were people who helped me walk through a lot of things. But hindsight is 2020, man. It really is.
SPEAKER_00It is, and and this, but this topic of of like what being what being single in leadership is, it when we were that age, I mean, most a lot of people that were pouring into us had not experienced that because a lot, most people were still, you know, were getting married younger. And so that and so I think now we do have the opportunity, and I say we loosely, y'all know I'm married, but you know, I did I have spent she be she be trying to be cool so bad.
SPEAKER_03She's like, I can still talk about it. No, you cannot, ma'am. But I can't. I have spent no you can talk about talk about the transition. Okay, that's where we put you. I have to are you in the hallway?
SPEAKER_00I'm spent waiting on your blessing. You got you on the elevator, you're on between floors? Yeah, the elevator is crazy. Okay. That's hilarious. That's actually not a bad thing. That's actually not bad though. I'm not, I'm not too mad at that. But I have spent the majority of my adult life as a single person. And I do think that those of us who, you know, are getting married, either are married, have gotten married older, like myself, or on the way to getting married, and they're gonna be, you know, mid 30s, you know, maybe dipping into your 40s. We have the opportunity. Yeah, you know, I don't know. You know, we have the opportunity, we we have the opportunity to help younger people in a way that when we were younger, there weren't a whole lot of people around to help us.
SPEAKER_03And just as a point of clarification, it is not just about helping younger people because I think some of the convers, a lot of the conversations we're having is still helping me, you know. And I guess I'm not younger anymore. I just need to take a moment and sit with that, you know. Yeah, I'm helping helping people like me too. It's we're no longer the young adult. We're the middle adults. We're the middle adults, we're the middle adults, okay? And you really gotta you gotta sit with that, you gotta rest in it.
SPEAKER_00Okay, what say it again?
SPEAKER_03You gotta rest.
SPEAKER_00Look at you. Yeah, I didn't even mean you gotta rest. You gotta rest. You gotta rest. And if um, so that was a good transition there, Jaquita. Thank you. We are talking about the rhythms, the importance of the rhythms of rest. My lord.
Naming The Topic: Rhythms Of Rest
SPEAKER_03Okay, especially as a single leader, amen. And this is where I think we are really differentiating between kind of the wisdom we were getting when we were in our 20s versus the wisdom that you know we're allowing God to pour through us today. Because I think as we were growing as leaders and as single women, the emphasis was on you're gonna be married. All right, and and and you just push toward marriage. Okay, if you keep pushing, just keep it. And right there down the road, there he'll be. You know, around the corner. Yeah, you know, and I think Ruth Abigail and I from two very different perspectives, right? From one who is in there, you know, in that marriage, you know, she pushed and apparently made it. And then from you know, and then from the perspective of someone who, you know, I I I feel like I I'm I'm settling into a different per into a different kind of perspective on it, like not pushing for marriage anymore, anticipating it, but not putting it as my focal point. Um and I think we're here to talk about what rest looks like in all of those different iterations of being single and being a leader.
Workaholism, Marriage, And Unlearning Control
SPEAKER_00Let me say this. I um did not start resting at all. I uh intentionally, probably until maybe about three years ago. Three or four years ago, more so three years ago. Um most of my time, like I'm a worker, y'all know this, and I I I don't I'm a I'm a worker, I like to work, like it's been a part of my life. I I get it honest. Both my parents are workers, you know. They're you know, they one of them calls himself a workaholic. Uh and so I I really do get it honestly. And so most of my uh, you know, from when I started, you know, doing the doing the work I do now, it was all about work. I was working seven days a week. Um, and I was just rolling, right? I was doing as much as I possibly could. And so I did, I absolutely did not understand why, but but my my mentality was I don't have anything else to do. Why do I need to rest? Like, you know, and it's like I can do what like I don't have anything to do, right? And I wanted to fill my time up, I wanted to feel productive, I wanted to move forward and what I you know, my career, all this stuff. And I just took on everything. Now, fast forward to when I got married, and I think this is the why it's so important to unlearn this at what you know in your single years and to develop this rhythm is because when I got married, I so struggled to rest, but not not just rest, but to release things to my husband because I was so used to handling everything and taking on everything, and my body was so used to moving that I it's hard for me to be still, and it was hard to me for me to be still with him, and it's hard for me to him to let let him do things for me. And so that problem not find me. Well, yeah, like it's but it's but if you don't develop it, because what I didn't realize, it wasn't like I was trying to be that way, but I was so my b literally, my physically my body was just used to always moving and not really having not really depending on other people to really partner with me in that way. Hold on.
The Weight Of Single Leadership
SPEAKER_03Because that's the point right there, because I think as a sing and I'm sorry to interrupt you, but I don't want us to lose that. Um I I think that that's the point that for people who are single and in any type of leadership role, whether it's, you know, you know me, I'm all about the middle the middle level leadership, you know. Middle management. Middle management. I'm all about it, you know, until I'm not gonna be about it, amen. I'm about it till I don't have to be about it anymore, amen. You know, you don't want to speak nothing over your life and be stuck in it. But I think that that whole idea of, you know, I don't have anybody else to depend on, you know, and fully honest moment, it really kind of hit me just today, right? Because I got I have literally 50 million balls in the air right now. 50 million projects. You know, I go to work, I got 5 million projects, I go to church, I got a bunch of projects, I come home, and it was I was driving to work today, calling the people for the pest control, calling the people for the trash pickup, calling the people, you know, for the yard maintenance. And I was like, ain't no way. Like I'm driving to work to handle 10 million projects, and while I'm driving, I'm handling more projects. And then when I get to work, any spare moment I've got, I'm thinking about all of the other projects I have to handle. And it you it's really isolating because you really don't feel like there's anybody that you can pass anything off to, you know, and and people, and I think so there's the weight that you're carrying in yourself of there's nobody that I can depend on. You know, I you know, even like on my uh, you wanna know what's what's a a sad time every year? Open enrollment, okay, as a single person. When you gotta refill out those insurance and um, you know, and the health insurance paperwork, and they're like, hey, so who are your beneficiaries? Well, you know, my mom, my sister, you know, anything happened, you know, who's your emergency contact? You know, anything happened, just call my mama. You know, like but it's like every year y'all asking me these same questions, and I'm like, look, yeah, all right, I'll let you know what is different, nobody else. You know, but I'm saying that because, you know, listen, it comes around every year. Every year they be like, hey, you want to refill out these health insurance paperwork? Sure. Uh-huh. Sure, why not? You know, but it's like there's nobody, you know, while I'm struggling with this idea of I don't feel like I have anyone to pass the buck to or anyone to really depend on for much of the things that I have going on. There's also this feeling of everyone is depending on me. You know, like everyone is like, hey, you know who can do that? Quita. Yeah. Get her. Okay, she's single. She's single and she's a leader.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Grab her up. Yeah. Put her in the positions to do the things. And it's it's like it's ballooning. It's like some, you know, they say uh the same people who blow your balloon up will be the ones to let the air out. I I I I I'm looking at it differently now. You know, this whole blow the balloon up is like it is no longer, man, Quita's so good at it. It's now a Quita can do it. Yeah. Yeah. You know, who can do it? Quita. You know, and the moment, but also feeling like there's a like a level of surveillance because people are like, I wonder if she's gonna, if she's gonna drop something. And and that's what you and that's what makes it feel so difficult to rest, because you're like, I'm gonna drop some of these balls. Yeah. Like something is not something is not gonna stay in rotation. Something's not gonna make it. Um, and I think, you know, we'll talk about it in a little bit, but I think you have to learn a different rhythm.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
Sabbath As Command And Gift
SPEAKER_03Or or else you will indeed drop everything. It's not just gonna be one, you're gonna drop it all.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, and and so with the with the different rhythm. I, you know, my father just did a sermon on Sabbath. It's so interesting. And you and you know, me and me and I've I guess I've asked you this a few times in our conversations, Tweeta. Like, what is your Sabbath life looking like? That's not even something we've taught we talk about, we have talked about traditionally in the 20-something years we've known each other. Like, I may have used that word with you five times, and it's probably been in the last month.
SPEAKER_03And so, like, so it's what's your Sabbath and what's your prayer life like? You know, now that Ruth Abigail's asking me these questions, I'm like, darn, let me get my life together.
SPEAKER_00Because you know something off if I mess it.
SPEAKER_03Stop.
SPEAKER_00No, I'll just play it. But uh, but I think that this idea of Sabbath, like you know, my father just finished a uh well, is doing a sermon series on it. And um, I think that uh one of the things that he he said was when you look at the Ten Commandments, like the Sabbath, uh remember the Sabbath to keep it holy is the fourth commandment. Um usually that's the only part of the commandment we we actually say. But in in in Exodus uh 20, I think it is. Um chapter 12, I think it's when the Ten Commandments are. Don't quote me, but I think that's right. Um it it actually it's not just that, it's 150 words in the commandment, right? Which is significantly more words than any other commandment, right? And so one of the one of the questions he posed is why does God spend so much time on that commandment? And um, you know, two two things. Number one, it's so hard for us. It's the hardest commandment for us to do. Um and the other thing is because God intends for us, intends for it to be a gift for us. We don't see it as a gift, and um, and so I think that the thing about being single and in being single in general and being in the leadership, but being single and resting, I know for me it was it, it felt guilt, I felt guilty doing it. I felt like I was wasting time. Um, and it but it also was there is this underlying uh this underlying belief or you know, message that the church has for single people that is that says you don't get to rest until you have a family. Let's be real, let's be real. But Sabbath is for everybody.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But we don't present that to it to single people or present it in a way that can that can um that can really that single people can relate to, right? Yeah, and I think that it's missing and it and it and it sends sometimes an unintentional message that you have to wait to rest.
Pride, Performance, And The Myth Of “God On My Staff”
SPEAKER_03You know, um I was walking today, and as I was walking, I was praying, because you know, I had a long walk around the campus that I work at today. Um and I really, you know, I was really just just laying some things out before the Lord. Like, like, Lord, here's my heart. And the Lord, as I was walking, he literally said, Okay, now here's my heart towards you. Like you've told me what you desire. Let me tell you what I desire for you. And the things that the Lord was saying was that I desire that you be fulfilled. I desire that you, you know, live knowing how loved you are and how wonderful you are and how special you are, you know. And I think that that's such a different message than I desire you to know how good you are at working. Man, you know, I desire for you to know how productive you can be. You know, I desire for you to be really successful, right? You know, and it it really shifted my understanding just even in that moment of who God is. You know, God is not, you know, a God that's like, all right, I gave you your to-do list, you know, and I'm checking it, and I'm checking it twice, you know, and get the things done, you know, and we have turned kingdom into business. We have turned kingdom into, you know, how much did you produce? Man, you know, how many souls did you say? You know, how many sermons did you preach? You know, how much did you and it's it's not it's not um it's not relational anymore, even though we try to put those terms on it, yeah, because it doesn't allow you to retreat with God. That's good. It says you need to be out in the highways and the byways all the time. Yeah, and there is when you think about that commandment of Sabbath, it is a it doesn't matter how much you think you can do, I'm telling you to come and sit with me. Man, I'm telling you that I'm not that dependent on you to get things done, that I don't want to spend time with just you outside of what you can do or what you can produce.
SPEAKER_00Can we talk about that? I'm not so dependent on you to get things done. We have this belief that um, you know, I I have a um, you know, I I lead a team, so I have six employees and I, you know, I often like what I what I what I what I realized that I think, and I say I told this, I said this to Quita earlier, is for some I falsely think that God is false, God is my employee. In other words, God is on my stack, right? He's my I mean honestly, he's like it is because it's so weird, but I act like that because it's like I I I believe that he need like he needs me to get things done, and really it's the other I am his employee. Yeah, all right. See, we're gonna bring God in to help uh get some of his work done. We're gonna help him get it done all right to get some of this work done, right? Right, right. He's gonna figure it out, you know, he's gonna come in for a little bit and just try to help us get ahead. You know what I mean? Um that's like this is what we I did. I'd really be treating God like that. That's crazy. And God reminded me in our conversation earlier, girl, you on my staff, not the opposite. Like, yeah, and so I yeah, a contract worker. Yes, actually, that's probably more like it, Joy. Thank you for that. Um, and so like it's like, no, you on my staff, not the other way around, not on your staff, you're on my staff. And it's like, so when I tell you to take off, you take off. Come on here. Go, go sit down somewhere because I got it.
Finding Peace And Receiving Grace
SPEAKER_03Listen, let's just get let's just get right into it, okay? Because I think the thing that I have had to learn in these mid to late 30s, and yes, we are officially about to be in these late 30s, okay? It's not necessarily it's the truth, okay? It's the truth. What you gonna do with We hit 40. Okay. You're gonna be like, I'm 30, 11. No, I like that. That's good. Just like 2011, 30, 11. Okay. Nevertheless, I think the thing that has given me, you have to be able to find peace and grace. Yes. You have to be able, and because the Lord gives us those moments to rest and rejuvenate and to come back to ourselves and to come back alive and to, you know, and to and to really hear him again and feel him again. And he gives us those moments, but because we uh uh treat grace like it's in the way sometimes, like we're like, I don't, I don't have time.
SPEAKER_00I don't have time for grace.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, I don't have time for this. I need to get this done. You know, I just recently had probably what's like my biggest event of the year, orientation, right? So I run the the orientation for the graduate school, um, and I had been stressing out. Like I had, I mean, seriously, y'all. I had been at work till like 11 o'clock at night, just trying to pump out materials, get stuff ready. I mean, it was so much to do. It was an enormous workload. Like, it was beyond crazy. Um, and I, the day of orientation, like I would get on stage and I would I'd be like dynamite, like boom. And then like people would see me in the hall and I'd be like, and they'd be like, Yeah, you're not so energetic now. Are you huh? And I'd be like, get out my face. Okay, sit down and hush. I'm gonna be just fine. But you know, after after orientation, I crashed, I got really sick, like, you know, like my entire body was like, so so you think you can bounce back like you in your 20s. Yep, right. You think you can depend on your body and your mind and your hustle to get things done. That's right. So, so you think you can just rely on you and you and make things happen. Absolutely not.
SPEAKER_00Absolutely not.
SPEAKER_03You have got to learn to find the peace in the grace that God allocates us. He said that there is grace according to the measure of the gift that you've been given. You have grace. And I think a lot of times we treat grace like, oh yeah, if I make a mistake, grace covers it. But the Lord is like, no, you're human. You you get what I'm saying? Like, you're gonna make mistakes. You're not, you're not physically able to do the the things that God has envisioned and planned for his people, for the kingdom, for the world, and some of that stuff that he has positioned you to impact and influence, you're not physically able to do it by yourself.
Rest Checks Our Ego
SPEAKER_00You are absolutely not. And lest we forget, rest is a command. And wrap it back around. No, no, well, because I do think because it is a gift, yeah, and it's also a command. Like, yeah, it is not, it's really not up for debate. Like God God gave us this, uh He gave us this gift, but He has commanded us to do it because He knows that we have to have it to be functional in the kingdom of God. You really cannot be functional in God's kingdom in the way you need to be if you put everything on your shoulders. That is not the way it's designed to be. Let me know. And so, you know, and so anyway, I just think it's something we have to remember. It's not a suggestion, it's not a this would be really good to do. Um, it really it's a command, it's as strong of a command as don't kill nobody. We ain't you, you know, you ain't out here killing folk, but you out here, you know, overworking. You know what I'm saying? Okay, Rue. Shoot him up the name then. Like that's what we that's what we're out here doing. You know what I'm saying? And so we gotta we gotta check ourselves.
SPEAKER_03Listen, um, rest is a pride checker. It come up come on, then it is a it is a pride checker, right? Because you can get so caught up in the well, you know, I'm the one that they call for the job, you know, so it gotta be me. And it gotta be, you know, I gotta, I gotta put in the extra hours. I gotta put in the extra effort. I gotta bring this work home with me. I gotta stay at the office later than, you know, the rest of the team. Okay, because it's me, you know, it's my skill set, it's my abilities. But you know, but we get so caught up in the it's me, it's me. They're depending on me, right? That we don't see that sneaky little pride that has come in, and that has tried and is now convincing you that, right, that like everybody is looking at you, everybody is centered around you, everything is dependent on you, right? And it's now the you show. Man, that man. It's now the story of you, and you can't carry the good news because all you have is the news of you. Uh-oh. And so you can't tell, how can we tell people that Jesus saves when we can't rest in salvation? Come on, look, you get what I'm saying, the facts. Because a lot of times when we think about sin, we say, Well, I'm not sleeping around, I ain't doing this and I ain't doing that. I don't talk, I don't backbite, I don't da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. But you continuously ignore the commands of God. Come on, man. And the unction, and not just because you know what I'm saying, we have the command, like the command is written, right? But we also have the Holy Spirit that is trying to lead and guide you in what you may not have read in a while. He's he the Holy Spirit is like, Hey, you you really need to lay down. You need to sit down. You need to, I need to go lay down. You know, like you really, you really, you really are becoming way too focused on yourself, way too dependent on you. Right? Yeah, and and you have to, and that's what I mean. There is a rhythm to it. Yeah, there is a, you know, I have gotten to the point now that I feel the Lord when He's like, enough. That's it. That's it. You ain't doing no more. That's it. Go home. Go home. Go home.
SPEAKER_00Don't open the laptop. That's it. So open the laptop. Don't take it out your car.
SPEAKER_03Don't take that car. I don't know. I'll be taking it out of my car, you know. You need to take it out your car. You live in Memphis.
SPEAKER_00All right, okay.
SPEAKER_03Not be leaving that laptop. Hey, hey, okay. I don't know where our listeners live. Don't be leaving that laptop in the car. Go ahead and grab it, you know, put it by the front door or something, leave it in the bag. Fine. Leave it in the living room. Leave it in the car.
SPEAKER_00But I'll be leaving mine in the car sometime. Memphis is.
Need To Be Needed: Validation Loops
SPEAKER_03I'm sure because you do risky things. But nevertheless.
SPEAKER_00But I I I think that you know, I want to, I wanna I I do want to circle back to this dependent, like everybody's dependent on me thing. Can we can we just get a little vulnerable for uh uh for those who are single and let's just and I and I and I felt this way, right? It can be very you want it to be because you want to be dependent on by a husband and family that you don't have, and you want to feel that, and so sometimes it it's like I I want to feel needed, so I put myself in a position to be overly needed because I'm missing that. And can we just be real? I mean, that's that's a real thing. I mean, hey, that's what we're here to do.
Practicing Trust Before Partnership
SPEAKER_03Yeah, you know, I uh I had this uh this thought of how um how dangerous a group chat can get. You know, like you got your you got your friend group chat, and everybody, you know, some most group chats, you know, they're not everybody has different group chats for different things, right? Some of them group chats are only where people put their big life occurrences, right? Like, hey guys, went on a date, you know. Hey guys, you know, he asked me out again, hey guys, you know, look, ring, okay, hey guys, y'all coming to the baby shower, you know, and so as a single person, you realize that you know, you making a lot more prayer requests than than than than praise reports, you know, like you know, like you, you know, you're you're you're not celebrated. You know, nobody is is coming for your for the moments of your life. And so what do you do? You start making the moments of your life about your work. That's it. And so it's hey guys, I got a promotion. That's it. Hey guys, I got this award. Hey guys, uh they they gave me a raise. Yep, right? And it's like I gotta have something to put in this group chat. I have to have I and you gotta be able to tell your family something when you go home for the holiday. Let's you gotta be because you already know they're coming in hot. They coming in, okay. They're coming in hot. Okay, and they ready for you. They they ready with the ain't no prospects without any prospects. So you ain't talking to nobody. You too pretty to not be talking to nobody, you know. I just think you such a you a good woman. I don't understand why you know they're coming in hot. Right. They stay on. And so you're trying to, you're trying to add some layers. Like, hey, everybody, you're trying to divert and redirect. Yeah, right. Look over here. Yeah, you shining a light like a little trick. Like, oh, look on the wall, y'all. Look on the show. You're like, hey, but work is going great, right? And so you're throwing yourself into what you can be uh celebrated for, and what, and not just for that external validation, but for that internal validation. For sure. That, like, hey, these years of my life are not wasted, yeah, you know, or I'm not insignificant because sometimes there's nobody else to tell you that you're doing a good job. Or that, like, and not just doing a good job on your job, but doing a good job as a woman, as a man, as just in love, you know, as an individual, right? What's even more hurtful is that sometimes most of the people who depend on you don't even ever fully acknowledge how much you've given. You know what I'm saying? And you over here overworking yourself, yeah, waiting on somebody to say, man, they the the contribution that this person has made. Yeah. Wow. Right. And you don't get it. You know, and and I think another time that you really feel it is birthdays. Because you know, in college older you get, oh my gosh. In college, we planned each other's birthdays. Yep. Now we'd be sitting there, like, all right, so what we're gonna do is, guys, if you'll meet me here for dinner, I'd love to see as many people as can come. Okay, you know, and so all of those things fuel our desire to not rest because we feel like we're still pushing for those areas where we can be recognized or where we can feel included and important and a part of things. You know, especially, and this will be my last point now, Pastor Baton. But as adult leaders and as single leaders, most of us, not the story for Ruth Abigail at the moment, but most of us don't live around family. We live in different cities than our families. That's very true. We live in, you know, we have had to create community, but there's always this realization that even in this created community, this created community is not my family. Like they are they are like family, but everybody goes to their families at some point. And when you are in a created community, sometimes it'd be like, well, dang, I, you know, everybody else went over there to their mama house, auntie house, somebody house, and I ain't got nowhere to go. So let me just go do some work.
SPEAKER_00Can I tell you, like, I yeah, and yes, I have, I do have family here, but the the amount of times that that has been that had that had been my story, like I'm just gonna go do some work. I'm just gonna keep working. I'm just gonna stay up and work. I'm just gonna do this work. You know, I'll that's fine, y'all. I'll close the building, no problem. Like, you know, that kind of thing.
SPEAKER_03I'll close the building as crazy.
Rest vs Escapism vs Avoidance
SPEAKER_00I'll take, I'll take the kid, I'll take them home, like, no problem with the kids. Like, I'll take them. That's fine. I got it. You know, and because I think you're absolutely right. It is that feeling of you want to feel significant, you want to feel valued. And that's not something you you know that you're not gonna feel that when you get to your house. Like, and because again, there's nobody there to give that to you. So it's almost like, how much can I soak up before I get home? And yeah, um, I think that that's really I think that's really real. I will say again, um, and then I and then we'll we'll talk about kind of a something I think we need to get clear on as to what rest really is and what it isn't. Um, but what I have what I've absolutely seen in being married for two years is uh when you understand how to uh how to rest well and also in that you are uh practicing humility, like Queen was saying, which is so important in a marriage. You're practicing trust, which is so important in a marriage, and you're practicing um you're practicing uh partnership, which is which is so important in a marriage. You you know, if and so rest in the way you're as a single person in leadership, and as you know, if you are a Jesus follower, those things you practice with God. You practice humility, you practice um partnership, you practice trust by stopping and allowing God to do what you're not doing, right? And that and those are things that you can practice with the Lord before you practice it with a a spouse. And you when you get the spouse, it won't be so unfamiliar. And I can say that for me, it was unfamiliar. Like I was not I had to I had to figure it out. I wish I had spent more time um understanding rest uh and and and what that really meant. Because I think I would have I think I would have entered into you know my my marriage uh with with a lighter a little lighter, right? Um and not feeling like you know, yeah, like yeah, like that, yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And not and not feeling that I had to carry so much weight um by myself. And and so, but some of that is just learning how to do life with a person, but some of it really is like undoing and unlearning these bad habits um that you know a lot of us pick up while we're single. So with that, we talk about rest, but I think something like we have to get real clear on what rest is and what it isn't, and so um we want to talk about three different things, right? We've been talking about rest, but there are two other things that I think can disguise themselves as rest and in our lives that we have to be careful that we're not replacing rest with these things. Uh the first thing is um escapism.
SPEAKER_01My lord.
SPEAKER_00Rest is not escaping.
SPEAKER_01My lord.
SPEAKER_00Um I full disclosure in the last I have recently practiced, been practicing escapism, pretending like it was rest. So uh this is something that I personally struggle with uh because I tend to like to free my mind because my mind is always like it's always on. And so I like to free it. Like I don't want to think about anything, I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to, you know, I don't want to put my brain on anything, I don't want it to be heavy, whatever, right? And I and so I I I I rest, but really what I do is I escape. I'm I I use entertainment um for escape for the most part. And so I'll binge watch stuff. Um, you know, I will just I'll just that's what I'll do. I'll binge watch stuff. Most of the time it's stuff I've seen before. Sometimes it's new stuff, but most of the time it's stuff I've seen before. I don't really want to be surprised by nothing. I just want to watch stuff and I don't answer my phone. Um, I don't want to talk to nobody. I just want to get into somebody else's world. And so um I think that when I say escapism, what I mean is the act of leaving your reality going somewhere else. Right. And you know, you are you are not dealing with your own reality. And as a leader, it it is there's a lot of reality I don't feel like dealing with sometimes.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And so yeah, I f so I find myself escaping, knowing that I need to rest. And resting is not escaping, right? Uh resting is uh is facing your reality, understanding that uh your reality does does not have to your reality doesn't have to be the end of the story. It is what it is right now, if it's a reality you're not really happy with, and understanding that God can God has the ability to change that reality. Um even when I don't, you know what I'm saying? And so that that's the that would be the difference between that.
Anxiety, Bodies, And Long-Term Health
SPEAKER_03Yeah, and I think it's important to note that when you are escaping, like you are literally carrying your things with you. Like, even though you're not acknowledging them, you're like, I'm just gonna sit these down over here in the corner while I go to my other reality, uh-huh, right? But you are not again, it's it is still this pride of life thing where you are not giving it to God, where you are not carrying it because a lot of what happens in rest is honesty. That's right, absolutely. A lot of what happens in rest, you know, uh the other day, just the other day, because I want y'all to know these are current. This is current, y'all. It's real, you know, this is not. This is not reflection. This is not, you know, five years ago, I too struggled with not no current. I had just gotten back home from a long day at work, and it felt like everything that I had going on, it was like crushing. Like it was sitting on top of me. I drove in my driveway. I was sitting there, and something told me Jaquita just breathed. And so I was just like, four in, hold for four, four out, hold for four. Like I was like, let me practice this little breathing cycle that they said would help relax my nerves. And I and it and it worked. I felt myself coming down from what was feeling like anxiety. Um, and I feel like sometimes we don't, especially like our age group, we don't like to talk about anxiety as much. You know, like we do, but a lot of times we talk about it in reference to like younger, yeah, like the younger leaders. Like, but with us, we're like, you know, I might be anxious, but you know, be pushed through. Right. You know, yeah, yeah, yeah. I might be a little stressed, but I push right on good. You know, I don't let it stop me, you know. But I I felt, I felt like the stress, you know, and and what we don't always acknowledge is that that that anxiety that we claim we don't have, or that's not stopping us, or that we're pushing to, pushing through, is causing us to implode. Like there are little, you know, fireworks happening on the inside of you, and you are literally imploding on the inside because you are not having a real release of all of the stress and all of the the anxious thoughts and the worry. Like you are not releasing that. And so instead, it is on the inside of you causing many attacks. Yeah. Right. And those show up later in our health. You know, right now we're in our you know, mid to late 30s, some of us in our early 40s, right? We're at this middle adult age where it's almost like you are at a crossroads. What do you want your 50s, 60s, and 70s to look like? Because if you continue to internalize and calling yourself escaping instead of facing things, you are gonna be sitting in your 50s and 60s, and what now feels like an attack that you can just push to the side, it's gonna start showing up in your body as physical attacks.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's right, right?
SPEAKER_03It's gonna show up, and I I don't want anyone to claim anything, but I want all of us to be real about how we are treating ourselves. That's right. Because it is not just about eating the right things and going to the gym, it is about really taking care of your entire, full embodied self. Yeah, and rest is such a critical key part of that. And when we practice escapism, where we numb ourselves to what's going on, instead of saying, hey, my body is giving me indications that something is not okay. And I need to address that. And it's like we only address it when we feel like we can take a pill for it, right? Or when we feel like we can, you know what I'm saying? And so you, you know, your movies, my shopping, because that's what I do. I be like, let's hit the streets. I'm going to Nordstrom Rack, all right, and it's I'm gonna shop my worries away. You know, I don't even be buying stuff. I just be like, let me get a little pair of earrings or something, you know, make me feel like I still got it. You know, but but those things are not the answer. And you are preventing yourself from moving toward the answer, and you're gonna numb, you're gonna numb, and then it's it's gonna it's gonna come even harder because now we have to get past what you've numbed. Yeah. You get what I'm saying? Like in order for the Lord to help you to feel how badly you're treating yourself, man, it's gonna have to get real, real bad. Yeah. Because you didn't you didn't rest when it was just minor. Now we got major complications.
SPEAKER_02That's real.
SPEAKER_03Which is what happened after I did orientation. My body was run down. Now now we got a major complication. Now this is gonna take you a few days to get over. Now, now you over here trying to figure out why I can't breathe. Yeah. You can't breathe because you allowed what you were going through and what what you were doing to have more weight than the grace, the mercy, and the love of God. And if you have, and if you learn to rest in God, escapism won't keep you from him.
Presence Over Numbing: Returning To God
SPEAKER_00Man, and that's I think that's what I that's what I've had to be. That's God has convicted me of that lately, is uh, you know, just the other day, I I was feeling physically just something was sitting like like very much sitting on me. And I was like, what is that? It was affecting my appetite. Um I was like, what is this? Like, I don't know what this is. And one morning I spent about two and a half hours, about two and a half, three hours in the presence of God, in the in reading, praying, journaling. I didn't even realize how much time it passed. But like I I I realized I this this I have not been doing. And I there were things I had to get out that I had not gotten out. There were there were realities that I just was not, I just wasn't facing. Like it was just like I just don't feel like it, right? Um and I was I've been binge watching certain shows, I've just been doing that, and like, you know, I'm tired. I'm just resting. I just want to rest. And it's like you weren't resting, you were escaping. And and and this is this is and the feeling you have to your point. It didn't all I didn't always feel it that physically, but it got to that point where it's like, okay, something's off, and I don't, I don't, I can't, I don't know what it is. And it was it was when I realized like and and God just revealed to me, like, you have not been with me. You've been this you've been you've been using the comfort of what man created and not resting in the creator. And that that was my problem. Wow. And it was very it was very convicting, and it was like, I'm sorry, Lord. Like I I've been doing that and I and I've been I've been resting in the wrong things, and it's not sustainable, and it's not real rest. Um so yeah, like I I yeah, that that is that is something I'm constantly having to like check myself with. It it it is it is a it's a it's a weakness of mine, and it's something I have to continue to do. Um I think I think the other thing, you know, and this might on the surface sound the same. I genuinely don't think it is, right? Um like what I believe is you move from one to the other, right? So when you escape long enough, you begin to live a life of avoidance. So now you've been escaping and escaping so long, it's almost as if that thing doesn't even exist anymore. It's just not even a thing, right? Um and you don't think about it, you don't talk about it, you don't, you know, there's nothing you you active your brain actively just erases it, even though it is still very present, it's still very real. And so and that to me, Queen, I don't know, you I I I like to hear your thoughts on it. I think where you were talking about the physical nature of things, that's when things to your point get really bad. When you've been when you go from using using escapism to getting to a place where you completely avoid and deny reality. And now you're living as though something isn't just right there that you need to deal with, and it is impacting you physically, but it's not even even the physical impact, you you you'll blame it on something else. You know what I mean?
Community As A Place Of Rest
SPEAKER_03Yeah. I think I vividly remember I used to live an hour and a half away from my home. Jesus. Um, and I vividly remember yes, I used to live an hour and a half away from my job. So I used to commute an hour about an hour to an hour and a half, depending on what was going on. Uh I used to commute, uh, you know, that long drive. And I remember there were times I would drive up to my house and know that there was no one in there and that any type of comfort or solace. I I was just like, nope. And I would just drive by my house.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_03And I would go like, let me go find some food, or you know, Ross is still open. That's why I go to Ross so much to this day, because Ross is open late. Okay. And I'd be like, let me go swing by Ross real quick and see if I can, you know, just be around people or be, and it was, it just became so apparent to me that I was avoiding home.
SPEAKER_01Wow.
SPEAKER_03And not only was I avoiding home, but I really was avoiding that quiet space and and knowing, fully knowing that that quiet space is the most opportune time for the Lord to come and speak. But you also, as a single person, get to a point where you like, you know what I'm saying, if the word ain't, you know, he on the way, here he comes, you know, open your door, there he is, you know. If the word is keep waiting, daughter, you know, I already heard that, you know what I'm saying. You know, and you get to this point where you don't want to do any more self-work. You know, you don't it it's crushing for people to because you have this mind, you are already battling the thought that maybe I'm single because something's wrong. Yeah. Like I'm not this enough, I'm not that enough, I haven't, you know, done X, Y, and Z. Maybe it's me. And so any, and so for me, you almost develop this avoidance of God because you're like, oh no, because he just don't tell me something wrong, or that I need to work on something, or that, you know, there's some other little area of my life that needs to be, you know, rebuilt, refashioned, reimagined, you know, and so, but it was, I mean, to to the to the the actual just in honor of who God really is, every time I allowed myself to be vulnerable and to push past that avoidance, I found out that God was so much more than what I was boxing him in to be. Right. Because everything that I experienced in his presence was the exact love and compassion and warmth and acceptance and safety that I was hoping to get in a partner. But sometimes we spend so much time avoiding the very God that can give us what we're looking for because it's not coming in the way that we want it yet. Yeah. Yeah. Um, and so on that same day that I was talking about earlier, where I was breathing in the car, after I did that for a few minutes, the Lord said, give me 15 minutes. And I went in my house. I got a little, you know, a little prayer area. And I went, and as soon as I knelt down, it was the Lord, when you allow the Lord's love to just wash over you, that is how the heavy stuff gets lifted. Yes, it is literally his presence. It says he is near to the brokenhearted, yeah. Right? Like it is literally his presence that helps to lift you and strengthen you and give you, um, like he was telling me today, a life that is fulfilling and satisfying, and where I know how loved I am and how wanted and accepted and wonderful God thinks that you are, but you don't get that without rest. And you don't really rest without his presence. Because rest is not sleep, that's rest is not going on vacations. Yeah, rest is not, hey y'all, y'all want to go out tonight? That that's not rest. You know, that's entertainment. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Sleep is a bodily function where upon which your body can rest, but in order for your mind, your spirit, and your heart to rest, that happens in the presence of God.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
Choosing People Who Hold Your “I’m Tired”
SPEAKER_03Um, and and you you have to give yourself over to it. Um, and rest is vulnerable. When we talk about rest in that sense, it's vulnerable.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And um, like Ruth Abigail is saying, it is the vulnerability learned in being in those sweet spaces with God that prepare us for the vulnerability that's necessary in those more intimate relationships that we're hoping and praying for.
SPEAKER_00And I will I will say that's something that um it is amazing how God is designed marriage to mimic our a divine relationship. Um, and I think that rest, what I have also found that there is a reality to um finding rest in spending time with uh your people because uh that like and so you know it's a it rest doesn't have to look like you in devotion. I mean that's not that's that's not what it has to be, right? Um but you know what I'm saying, it definitely can be, but but God's presence also lives in your in community, yeah. And so um I think that that is also very uh it's very real. And for me, that that has at this season in this season of my life, that's where a lot of my rest lives.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. It's with my I want to clarify though, rest in community is not is not experienced um as uh intensely when it's a lot of activity. Like it is still there is still a level of intimacy, vulnerability, and honesty that has to happen in order for rest to be. So if your rest with community looks like, oh yeah, we go out, we work out together, we do things together, but in those spaces and moments, you're not being vulnerable. Yeah, and you're not you're not being honest, you have not found rest.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_03And people are wondering how to build closer knit friendships that does not happen without honesty and vulnerability. 100%. It does not.
SPEAKER_00And and that is where you find rest with people. Because you because you learn how to when you can be honest and vulnerable vulnerable with somebody. I mean the the the rest part, it's like lift it's like lifting a weight. You're lifting weights and you're carrying around this weight. Um and when you uh lay the weight down, oftentimes when we're carrying stuff, it kind of puts us in this position that makes us look strong. And when you lay it down, who you are without the weight is revealed. And that that is that is vulnerable, right? That that that is vulnerable. Who I am without the weight is vulnerable.
SPEAKER_03Listen, that you just explain so clearly to me, like why it's easier to find rest with some people versus others. Because you if you are trying to figure out who are my people, who are the people that you can take the cape off with? Man, that's it. Like you get in their presence and there's no expectation for you to be someone or to do something or to provide a service. You know what I'm saying? Like with my friends, with Ruth Abigail, with Joy, with some of my other friends, like when I'm with them, I'm not thinking, okay, I gotta provide these services, you know, because otherwise they won't know what to do with me. Right. You know what I'm saying? There has to be, you have to be able to go in front of that person and not be superwoman, not be superman. Yeah, right, but really be able to not be the person that has to show up and do all the things, but to be able to be the person that can say, hey, I'm struggling. Yeah, I'm tired. And and and and you know that they are your people by how they receive your I'm tired. If you say I'm tired, and they say, girl, everybody tired. We all tired. Let me tell you about everything on my list. You tired, you be all right, you be like, hey. That ain't that ain't your that's not your people. That ain't your people. That's your people, you know? Yeah, you got I and and I just think that's important because when we talk about rest, especially as it happens in friendships, a lot of us are not finding rest in our friendships. Because either we're not being vulnerable or these are the people that we're friends with are not able to see us outside of what we do. That's right. That's right. And we got we gotta find a balance in those things.
Closing And Community Call
SPEAKER_00We really do. You gotta find your people. I'd like I think you're spot on. I'm glad you said it like that. Like that is a great indicator. If people can't hold you being tired and and not demand that you remain strong around them, that's not you can't rest around them. Um, and it's worth finding people. And you don't need a lot of them. You don't need a lot. What did you say? You don't need a lot. Like you just need a couple. Um, and so you know, I really hope that for those of you that that struggle with rest, that you find the right people to help you to rest. Um resting in community is highly important, I think. Um it is it is a it is probably the it's probably where you will find yourself resting the most. Um and so if you don't have that community, that can be really tough. Um Well, y'all. That's it. Hey, let me tell you something. That was good for me. I don't know about y'all. That's okay. If you it's cool. If you didn't make it through, don't worry about it.
SPEAKER_03For those that did, listen, I I really listen. Share it with a friend.
SPEAKER_00Share it with a friend.
SPEAKER_03Share it with somebody you know. Tell a friend to tell a friend because we cannot continue to build community and be open and honest if we are not continuing to expand what we're doing. So we really want you guys to continue to share, continue to like, continue to subscribe. You know, me and Ruth Abigail find this work to be extremely valuable. To be um and we know that the things that God has poured into us for these moments, they're for they're for us, middle adults. This is for us. Okay, and there's not a lot of things that are for us.
SPEAKER_00That's facts.
SPEAKER_03Okay, they're not making things for us no more. All right. They're making it for Gen Z in them. Okay. So this podcast, these moments are for us. Don't keep it to yourself. Like, share, and subscribe.
SPEAKER_00All right, folks. Until next time, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom.
unknownPeace.
SPEAKER_00Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.
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