If God Is Enough, Who Are You Without Your Resume?

We question why middle adulthood feels less free and unlearn the idea that single leaders must prove worth through nonstop achievement. We reframe purpose from output to identity, practice shared leadership, and learn to pray like children who bring God everything without polish.

• the tension between family-first culture and constant achievement
• overworking as a single leader and “mothering” projects
• rebuilding systems that don’t depend on one person
• making home a place you love to return to
• roles beyond your job and auditing relational health
• prayer-shaped priorities and saying no with clarity
• God as promise, not marriage as guarantee
• slowing to the season’s “speed limit” to avoid burnout
• praying like a child and finding peace as a compass
• shared leadership for sustainable impact

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Transcript

Welcome And Freedom Theme

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey, yo, what's up, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast. I am your host with Abigail, aka R A.

SPEAKER_02 0:11

What's up, friends? It's your girl, Jaquita.

SPEAKER_00 0:14

And this is indeed the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you, yes, you can experience more freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Yes. And we try to get free out here today.

SPEAKER_02 0:30

Man, what you said.

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Trying to get free out here today.

Middle Adulthood Doesn’t Feel Free

SPEAKER_02 0:34

Living it up in these freedom streets. You know what I'm saying? You know, middle adult does not feel like freedom a lot of times. You know, just let's just be real. Let's just clutch straight to the chase. Let's get right into it. You know, like middle adult is not giving the levels of freedom that I thought it was. Like, it is like, hey, my child. You got things to do. That's a middle adulthood feels like. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:09

It doesn't. The freedom has to be fought for, you know, you have to fight for it. You know what I'm saying? Much like our ancestors. So, you know, it's it's true. You know?

SPEAKER_03 1:22

Ruth Abigail.

SPEAKER_02 1:25

You are gonna relate a middle adulthood to slavery and Jim Crow like a white.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

I didn't. I didn't. You you implied that. I said you fight for freedom. Look, listen, we are freedom fighters. Okay. And so I'm just saying we we have the ability to fight for it. You know what I'm saying? Because it's in us. You understand?

SPEAKER_04 1:54

We're gonna get canceled in these school.

Series Setup: Single Leaders

America’s Family-First, Achieve-Always Tension

SPEAKER_02 2:02

Okay, because you're tripping out here in these streets. Nevertheless, what's up, friends? Listen, we're here to talk about the things. You know, we're in the series where we're talking about, you know, what uh leadership looks like as a single person, um, and ways that we've kind of had to unlearn some of these ideas that kind of like really box you in as a single person who is like continuing to grow in leadership and in influence and in impact, right? Like America's really made for family. It is it is it is really built around the idea that success exists within a familial unit. Yeah. So when you are, but there's also this idea of achieve the dream, right? Go after pursuit of happiness, right? So there's the single pursuit of achievement that's supposed to exist within these family units. So when you are a single person that is pushing and achieving and impacting and influencing, that looks different and it comes with different challenges. Um, that I think we have to unpack. That's also a millennial term that we we took and ran with this idea of unpacking something. Oh, we said yes, that is the one. That's our okay.

SPEAKER_01 3:30

You want to be deep? Let's unpack that. We're gonna unpack this, guys.

SPEAKER_00 3:34

Um yeah, I but I do think that you really did um frame that very well with this idea of this uh American, like America exists in this dichotomy of family first and achieve, right? Um, and sometimes those things, a lot of times those things don't mix well. Um and so when you when you don't have the family part yet, you know, yet or at all, whatever it is, then it's almost as if the other option for you is to achieve. And so we do that, right?

SPEAKER_02 4:16

Whoa! And wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. That's good, yes. You know what I'm saying? Like that's what we do. Hey, you gotta fill your time with something, you gotta do something. You don't have, you know, a husband.

SPEAKER_01 4:30

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

And and so so that's what we do. And I think that a lot of us who, you know, get into the marriage and family game later uh do uh spend so much energy on the achievement side that uh we forget who we are.

Overachievement And Losing Yourself

SPEAKER_02 4:51

You oh no, not only do we forget who we are, we forget to pursue ourselves. We might not even really know who we are. Yeah, like we may not have ever figured it out. Yeah, we we don't pursue and not just pursue like an a sense of identity and our purpose, which we're gonna talk about in a little bit. But but even like pursuing like wellness, yeah, and correctness for yourself. For yourself, you know, for yourself. Like you're you're constantly the thing about it is is that especially, you know, I'm a woman, so I can speak mostly from the perspective of a woman. But as a single woman that doesn't have husband or family, like there is this constant need in myself to take care of everybody else, take care of things. And so I have little pockets of groups and projects and things that I mother, you know, and that I and that I have become a spouse to. There are things that are sitting in places and positions that are like, hey, I have all of this to give, and it's gonna land somewhere. And so whatever I get my hands on, whatever I feel has been assigned to me, I I am going to take care of it. Yeah right? These these young adults that find themselves in my space, come. There's room, there's room in the end. Yeah, all right. Come all of you and and and be be taken care of, you know. And so, but you get to a point where you realize I have built some false structures and some things, and the people that, you know, when you have family, when you are a person that is married and you have children, those are things that stay with you, and you begin to grow with them. Right. When you are a single person that has mothered projects or mothered people who come into your life, those people grow. Yeah. And they become like you're still connected to them, but not in the same way. And so you then have to figure out who you are again. You have to start pursuing yourself again.

Mothering Projects And Relearning Self

SPEAKER_00 7:07

Well, that's so interesting because I actually think this is also a very, you know, a lot of what we're talking about is like why it's so important to learn how to do these things before you are attached to other people and you know, to attach to a spouse children. Because even what you just said, that happens as that happens in relationships. That happens with family, right? It happens with children in particular, where you know, m mothers. I mean, I think you made a perfect example. You raise your kids, they go off, and then you have to find yourself again. Like that's such a narrative, right? For so many moms. Um, um, particularly mothers, less honestly for fathers that I hear, and more for mothers who are like, My life was about my kids. Like, I didn't, you know, and so I and when they when they're gone, you have to relearn yourself and often relearn your husband. And so I think that those those elements can again, it's an opportunity in your single world to learn how to do that, right? Like, what does it look like to re to come back into yourself after seasons shift, after projects shift, after people leave, right? Like what do I how do I do that? And even more so, how do I not make something my whole world? How do I not do that? Because I've got to find I have to con I have to know that the the the only thing that's good, the only relationship that is going to last outside of my spouse on this earth is is between you and the Lord. The Holy Spirit. You know what I'm saying? That's just the truth. And and so even even with your spouse, I mean, that mirrors, it's a mirror to the relationship you have with God. And so there is not another relationship that is going to be a forever relationship. So whether that's relationship with your work, with anybody you mentor, with your service, right? All of that goes, it shifts, it changes, it goes away. It does it, you know, it does all that. And we get so attached that we don't know how to manage when it's not there and we don't know who we are without it. And it really hampers us and it and it it's hard to move forward. I mean, have you, I mean, I know I've experienced that. Have you experienced that like personally?

Purpose Beyond Roles And Jobs

SPEAKER_02 9:39

Girl, yeah. You know, I I you know, uh, Ruth and I were talking earlier about, you know, the one of the differences I've noted between this young adult self and this middle adult self is that the ideas around purpose have shifted. You know, I remember when I uh graduated divinity school in 2012, and you know, I went to divinity school and I focused a lot of my time on pastoral care, um chaplaincy, you know, just all of these ways that serve young adults, honestly. And so when I came looking for jobs afterwards, all of the chaplaincy jobs were like full, and you know, I really didn't feel like I could find my place. And I felt aimless for a while. And I spent the majority of my late 20s, early 30s just trying to find my spot, you know, trying, trying out different things, you know, putting my toe here, doing a little bit there, failing at some things, and then being really good at some things, and really finally feeling like I got to a spot where I was like, ah, this is it. You know, the student life, student activities, uh campus life world. I was like, this is it. I am here to help young adults find their sense of belonging and to understand themselves in community with other people. Right? Like I and I like framed myself like that. You know, that's how I frame my motivational speaking. That's how I frame even in my like initial sermon. That's how I frame my understanding of me as a minister. Like, I am here to help people understand themselves and understand identity and move forward and push forward, right? Then I made this last career move when I was 30, I'm 30, I was 37, about to be 38, right? And so I made this last career move, and now I'm like, and I'm in an academic space. I spend a lot of time behind a desk. I get glimpses and glimmers and shimmers of interaction and you know, building up and mentorship. Like I get a little bit of that, but it's nowhere at the level that it was. And I had to sit back and be like, so who am I now? Yeah. Right? And and also this job does not have the position in my life that jobs before have had. Like I don't come to work and be like, ah, this is where the real Jaquita is. She's here in this place. You know, like I I come to work and I'm like, I'm here to fulfill the work, right, right. You know, yeah. Like I have a purpose here, but it's not my purpose. Like it's not, it's not the totality of who I am. And so I I feel like just recently I've had to make this shift from feeling like my job is what fulfills me.

SPEAKER_00 12:51

Man, that is, and I I think I've shared this before, but I I had this epiphany, I think a couple of years ago, where you know, I know I have, but I I it was such a pivotal moment for me. Um that I I just the idea of purpose lived outside of what I do. And that was just not something I could, I could not even conceptualize it um before. I couldn't, there's no way I tried, right? I tried to see it outside of what I did, but I couldn't do it. And it wasn't until I read Stephen Covey's book, First Things First, that I I it it really it it it it was made very plain. Um, it's it's who you are. And then I have to ask myself myself the question, okay, well, who am I? And the way they broke it down is, well, you're a lot of things. You're your the roles that you have in life are real, right? So at the time I'm I'm a I'm a I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a leader, I'm a friend, I'm a sister, I'm a daughter, I'm a mentor, I'm all these things. So the question is, how does all of that live? And when I can when I can begin to see myself in all of those roles that I play, and they're all valuable, then me as a leader does not get it does not get inflated.

From Being Used To Being God’s Child

Burnout As A Warning Sign

SPEAKER_02 14:13

Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. I also think that I think that's something that has to shift when we think about this idea of you know, shifting from this mindset of my work or my ambition or my accomplishments is what makes me valuable, right? It you really, even in our relationship with God, like you have to shift from this understanding of the Lord just wants to use me. Yeah, oh my gosh. You know, like he just wants, you know, I am you know, I'm a servant, I'm a vessel. When he I'm a vessel, and when he needs me, he pulls me. Like, send me, Lord, I'll go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like hey, you know, pull up Jaquita, she can do the work, you know, send her out there, and when she's done, you know, great. You know, thanks for thanks for your service. We'll call you, we'll call you when we need you again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll have our people call your people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The Holy Spirit will check in when it's time for you to go again, you know. Right. Like, you really, you know, like I I feel like there is the there's this fine line that we tread where we are um constantly like trying to trying to be the most used person. Like, hey, listen, you know, Lord, I'm available. Yeah. Okay. All I got, I'm giving it to you. It's yours, right? Yes, yes, and and yes, and yeah, it's yes, and yes, I'm available. Yes, I'm a servant, but I'm also a daughter. Yes, you know, I'm I'm also I'm also uh a person and not a tool. You get what I'm saying? I'm not a service, yes, you know. The Lord doesn't look at me and be like, all right, go to the about me section and see if Jaquita has the capacity to do X, Y, and Z. You know, I was uh I was recently just spending time with the Lord, and I'm you know, in my mind, I am just like, I got a list that is like 20 miles long. And I'm like, I gotta do this, I gotta do that, I gotta do that, I gotta do that. And I'm just sitting here like, I just gotta trust God with all of it. I gotta give him all of these things. And the Lord is like, I just want you. I just want you. Yeah. And he is not looking for your understanding of self within the things that you do. He's looking for you to just bring you. Yeah. And to find and and working from the peace and the contentment that you get from being his child and using that as your center and then radiating that out to everything else that you do. Versus a, well, you know, I'm good at this, I'm good at that. People call on me for this, people call on me for that, and so I'm just gonna go wherever the people call. And I think that burnout is a trick that the enemy uses when we are trying to feel uh that sense of fulfillment and purpose and uh and acceptance, right? Like you get to a point where you have been spinning so hard that you know, if you are in a car and you start spinning your wheels long enough, you're gonna start digging yourself into a ditch.

SPEAKER_04 17:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 17:51

And so I think that's what burnout looks like. It looks like we spin and spin and spin and spin and spin, and then we look up and we say, How did I get down? How did I get here? Yeah. Yeah. How how did I get here?

Building Systems That Don’t Depend On You

SPEAKER_00 18:03

I think your your point about being a child, um, that's been a concept that I've been that God has been reminding me of a lot lately. And that is, you know, I think about, you know, my my kid, uh, he's 10. And there are just things he expects me to do. Right? He just expects me to do it. Like, and he will sometimes he'll ask and sometimes he just waits. Like, and uh I and it's like it doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't matter if I'm tired, it doesn't matter if I'm busy, it doesn't matter if I've you know I've got other things obligated, it doesn't matter. There are things he just expects me to do. And I think that we uh especially as leaders, we lose that with God a lot of times because we are living in this uh we're living in this space where for other people they just expect us to do, right? And so we're constantly doing. And so it it it has become what people ex they expect you to take the next project, they expect you to take the call, they expect you to go and see the people, they expect you to take the raise, they expect you to take the promotion, they expect that and it's come to that. And I it's hard for us to get out of that and and and and not live in other people's expectations because of the a season of life we're in.

Make Home A Place You Love

SPEAKER_02 19:37

Can I just have a moment to talk to my single middle adults? Talk to talk to them, talk to them, talk to them. All right. Let's I I just want us to have an honest moment. What areas of your life, of your work, of your service have you built things to depend on you? Yes. You know what I'm saying? Like what and what ways did you build structures where you have so availed yourself and so given yourself to that thing, that organization, that cause, that purpose, that now that thing has become dependent on your ultimate sacrifice. And they've come to expect it. Yeah. And you knowing you're burnt out, knowing you can't really give anymore, don't have a way out of that. Because I think what happens a lot of times, especially when you're single, uh, I remember I uh when I worked in my one of my previous roles, I had the most wonderful administrative assistant. She was more than an admin. She was, you know, everyone knows I tell people Pam is one of my favorite people. You know, she was in my favorites on my phone. Um, you know, I had her pinned in my messages. Like, I was like, I if I don't need anybody else, I need Pam because Pam was amazing, absolutely fabulous, and I I love her to this day. Like, still love her. And uh I remember, you know, but at 4 30 every day, what you said? Pam said, Pam, all right, sweetheart. Okay, and Pam had her things and she was gone. And I was staying there, like me and the students. I would be there till 7 30, 8 30. I mean, it's completely dark outside. There's no more cars in the parking lot, and I'm there, and that's how that's honestly how I became closer with my students because they was like, hey, you here, we here. You know, I'm there working, they're there cutting up. And I'm just like, because in my mind, the success of the program depended on me overworking. It depended on me being there when no one else was there. Right? And I built that program with a dependency on me sacrificing. What would it look like if we built things with a dependency on the strengths of the entire group and not on the sacrifice of the one single middle adult? That's good, man. That's so good. That's so good. I think that's. Because you would approach it with a different mindset. Yes. You would delegate in a way that says, this part of the organization is dependent on you. Because everything can't depend on me. Yeah. And I remember Pam looked at me one day and said, Jaquita, I want you to have. She said, I love going home to my husband. I love my husband. I want you to have that. I want you to have something that you love going home to. And it made me look at going home differently. Yeah. Because I was like, what I need to go home for?

unknown 23:20

Right.

SPEAKER_02 23:21

Anybody there? Yeah. You know, but the dishes I left in the sink this morning, you know, that's what's waiting for me at home. There's no hot dinner ready to come. You know what I'm saying? There's nothing. The same thing that's in this office right now is the same thing that's waiting on me at home. Me. You know what I'm saying? And so, but that challenged me. And at the time I didn't receive that challenge, at the time when she said that, I heard, dang, everyone else can see it. You know, dang. You know, everyone knows. You know, Quita ain't really got no reason to go home. Dang, Quita. Like, like they know it. But now, in these middle adult years, these these older middle adult years, I I started saying to myself, Jaquita, make home a place that you want to be, regardless. Yeah. Like we're not waiting on someone else to fit into this equation. Make your home worth worth the drive.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Worth worth the leaving work. Worth worth the leaving stuff undone. Make home worth that. And so and I've I've really done that. Like I'm I'm like, I've made my home a place I love coming to.

Audit Your Roles And Relationships

SPEAKER_00 24:45

I think that's so, I think that's a really great, I think that's a really great example of how to move toward um rede how to move toward uh broadening the definition of who you are. Um is that's a really good place to start is make home something you want to go to. Like do what you need to do to do that. And I think I think that I think I really do. I think that's a beautiful way to do it. Um I I I would say that something else that's so important is to think about all the diff like outside of your job, what are the roles in your life? And the way you figure that out is who are the people in your life. Like, and then how am I doing in those other roles? So, you know, how am I doing as a daughter? How am I doing as a friend? How am I doing as a sister or brother? How am I doing, you know, as as as a as a mentor, how am I doing as a coach, whatever you do, right? Outside of your leadership role, outside of your job, outside of what gives you a paycheck.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

That's good.

Priorities From Prayer And Saying No

SPEAKER_00 25:59

What are the other things that who are you to other people and how are you doing? Yeah. Because and ask yourself that. And then if you're not doing so well in those areas, put some energy into those things. Like, like it's it's easy to say, I'm not going home to anything. Yeah, but there are other people in your there are people in your life that you do that you do have value to. So it's like maybe, maybe they're not physically at home, but make time and space for them in the way that you might make time and space for uh somebody who is at home. Yeah. Right. And so because that's something that you have to do, right? So I think again, practicing it now while you're single will help you transition uh when or if uh that uh a family of your own, a spouse or children is is a part of your story because it's it's it's a shift that has to be made. And so I know in my experience again, these were shifts that I didn't do very well before. And when I was thrown in I won't say thrown, when I when I when I when I went in, when I got into it, right, um it was something I had to really I had to unlearn a lot of stuff about myself. Um and I and I had to When you say thrown into it, what do you mean? Well, I I shouldn't have said thrown into it. Uh but when I when I when I was when I began the journey of being a wife and a mother.

SPEAKER_01 27:35

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:36

Um I had to there were a lot of things I had to unlearn really quickly that if I had if I had had these conversations with myself that we're having right now, I don't know that I would have had to be as you know intense with it because I felt like I just had to go into this intense, like, okay, I figured some things out. Um and and it wasn't easy. It's still not sometimes like it's it's not it's not easy, but I think if you if you figure out who who you are to other people, what are the roles that you play in their life? How are you doing with those roles? Um, I I and I'll say I'll say one more thing, and then I but I think the other thing is, and Quida and I, you Queen and I were talking about this the other day, is evaluate what your current priorities are. Um, you know, you know, Quida was you know, we were talking, Quida has six particular priorities she's working on, I have three, right? That were given both of us by God in prayer. Like it's like, hey, this is what I want you to focus on. Cool.

SPEAKER_03 28:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

And so that's what we're doing. And when you know the things that you are designed to focus on, again, you know, it's not just the job, it's not just the leadership position. It is whatever the other rules are. Like, what are those priorities? You're you can say no with a lot more clarity and a lot more confidence. Let me tell you something.

SPEAKER_02 28:59

I I had to repent just the other day because I found myself, it was late at night. I had been doing a lot of things that were not on my priority list because I gave too many yeses. My lord. It was too many yeses, and I was sitting there, and five hours had gone by with something that was not on my priority list. Wow. And I thought about the things that I did not get accomplished. Wow. Because I gave this five hours to something that wasn't supposed to be mine to do. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 29:37

That's made how often does it be like when you when you spot a lot of time?

The 55-In-A-35 Speeding Metaphor

SPEAKER_02 29:43

Let me tell you something. And you're just sitting there and you're just watching as things, as the time that you're sacrificing, yeah, you're watching and you're like, this was not a good use of my time. Yep, yep. Because it's not on my priority list, man. And you know, I also think it's different because in my 20s, my priority list was I go to work, I go to church, you know, and I I have a few mentees, you know, and I used to think, yeah, I am busy. I am swamped.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

I am swamped man.

Lies Of Productivity And Green Pastures

SPEAKER_02 30:22

Now I'm looking literally, I tell you no lie. And Ruth Abigail may think this is a stretch, but it is my honest truth. Uh just yesterday, I was driving to church. I had the day before, I had I had helped to run a workshop. And so, and then I went home, barely got the, did not get the rest I needed. I'm driving to church. I'm late because I'm supposed to be teaching Sunday school, and I'm already late. I'm on the phone with my mentee, waking her up so that she can go to church because she works a third shift. And I'm just driving, and I'm like, oh my gosh. And I and I'm already thinking about the work that I didn't do this weekend that I was supposed to do. And I'm just driving a police officer, my lord, is behind me. He doesn't even turn on his light, he just does the beep, beep, you know, like they do the little alarm thing where they do the whoop whoop, you know, like pull over real quick, you know, and so I'm just like, and I was calm. I just told my mentee, hey, I'm getting pulled over. I'm gonna call you back. Like, I was completely calm because I'm like, I'm already like kind of numb, you know, there's so much going on. And he I pulled over. He pulled beside me. Imagine this happening. He pulled beside me and said, Roll down the window. And I rolled down the window. He said, Hey, you're just going just a little too fast. You're going 55 into 35. You know, just slow it down. You're just going just a little too fast, okay? All right. And then he rolled off into the sunset. Now, you gotta know there are some people who have an anointing on their life to get out of tickets. Our friend Jeanne, she's one of them. I've been on the phone with her as she has gotten out of many. Uh-huh. I have never, okay. They don't ever let me go. They'd be like, excuse me, black woman, you getting this ticket today. I mean, I have full-blown ugly cry. And the police officer looks sad about it. He's like, ah, yeah. Anyways, man, I want to give you this if your court dates right there. Uh, you know, like, you know, the only time I have gotten out a ticket before is the the police officer came up to the window and said, excuse me, ma'am. He said, I would, you would have had a ticket, it would have been$400, but my printer jammed. That's the only time. Like, God Himself had to step down and intervene. Okay. I do not have the get out of a ticket anointing. Right. But in that moment, I was just like, wow, what a nice man. But later on, somebody told me, I really think that was the Lord trying to talk to you and saying, Hey, you're going too fast. You're going 55 into 35. Slow down. Maintain your relationship with me. Maintain your worship. Maintain the center. Hold the center. Yeah. And the center is you finding peace and contentment in me, and then doing all of these things. Because it is easy when you have a priority list, because on my priority list, I wrote the six things down. Like I was writing it, and I was like, oh Lord, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. I mean, it's a PhD program, I gotta do this, this, and that, the podcast, da-da-da-da-da. And then I was I remember looking at the list, and even though it said church, church is not worship. You know, church is not relationship with God, right? I had church on there and all the things I have to do for church, but then so what I did was I had all the priorities, and I did that little, you know, that little squiggle line we learned where you like, and you take all of these together and you put them, and then I put God's a part of all of this.

SPEAKER_00 34:25

Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 34:26

Yes, but but but seriously though, if you are not holding your center, you're not gonna hold all of the lines that you're trying to maintain.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

So I wanna I wanna talk about this 55 to 35 55 and a 35. I don't know. When you said that, it just because there are there are there are seasons in your life where you need to go 55. And then there are seasons when you don't. And sometimes I think in our single season, we feel like we need to go 55 all the time because uh if I slow down, I'm gonna get bored. Or I'm going to get, you know, I'm gonna feel things I may not want to feel.

SPEAKER_02 35:18

Them feelings gonna catch up with they gonna catch up, right?

SPEAKER_00 35:21

Or or I'm gonna get left behind, right? Yeah, um, and I think that we really have to determine what speed limit is my life in right now. What is it really in? You know what I mean? What is it really in? And if it and if if you are in a 35 mile an hour season, slow down, bruh. Slow down.

God Is The Promise, Not Marriage

SPEAKER_02 35:51

It's okay. It's not here's the thing when you're driving, you don't determine the speed limit. Come on, talk about it because somebody has predetermined that for you. Yeah, it's it is already set.

SPEAKER_00 36:05

It's already set.

SPEAKER_02 36:05

So if you're going down the road and it says it's 35, you don't get to say, but I got so much to do. That's right, but I'm late. No, but I gotta get there fast. Yep. No, the speed limit is take it low and slow through here because you're gonna miss something. And you know, I think uh producer Joy, oh love producer joy. She said something a while ago that was just it has stuck with me. It has really stuck with me when she talked about how God will call make you lie down in green pastures, you know, and I think we miss that make He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. We just think, oh man, ain't that great? The Lord's our shepherd, he has some green pastures for us, okay? Yeah, but you speeding through them.

SPEAKER_00 37:00

Yeah, that's real.

SPEAKER_02 37:01

You know what I'm saying? You're trying to you're trying to skip past what God is actually trying to say and give you in this moment. Yeah. Because the productivity is in it. The things that you do and produce, that's not the things that God is looking for. Yeah. And we don't get we don't get revelation from running, we get le revelation in the lying down. Yes, absolutely. We get it by the still waters, right? That's where he's feeding you and strengthening you. He's saying, hey, you have a journey up ahead. And and I think as a single middle adult, I want to talk. I I really want to talk to y'all. Ruth Abigail can talk to you too, but she got married. So you know, she's gonna try to act like she still knows. Show them your ring. Show them your ring. Go ahead and show it to you. She's gonna try to act like she's still with the people, okay? But I'm really with the people. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm I'm here for real with you. Okay, and I know we got some wonderful married people who here too. And y'all, y'all fall sit over there with Ruth Abigail for a moment. Wow. Wow. Wow. We love you. We love you. That's amazing. Okay, don't don't you ever forget it. You know, but I think that, you know, we get so caught up because we don't know when this highly anticipated moment is coming. We try to make this moment as grand as we possibly can. Yeah, and so you're making it a 55 zone because you're like, I gotta show everybody and I gotta show myself that this I'm in a great spot.

SPEAKER_01 38:51

Yeah, you know, I'm in the moving.

Hitting Capacity And Depending On God

SPEAKER_02 38:54

Listen, I'm going, I'm moving. Do y'all all see this? Like, look at me. Okay, I'm doing the things. Let me introduce you to my 15 mentees, okay? Let me introduce you to my impact. Yeah, let me introduce you to all of the great things I've been doing and all of and and all of the ways that I found purpose because you feel like it's not even that you feel like you know that people are looking like so what's the holdup? Right, yeah, is it coming? Man, you know, surely God, you know, yeah, you you you look like you know what I got I get told a lot. You look like a wife. Okay, it's on you. Uh-huh. It's it's on you. You tell you, not to mention my mom got any prospect. Okay. All right, even my grandmama, like, all right, baby. I mean, you know. It's all right. You know, but but you know that you're not the only one questioning where this other half of your life is.

SPEAKER_00 40:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 40:13

Where this uh, where's this, where's this peace? Where's this, where's this, uh, where's when are we gonna flip to the next chapter? I feel like I've been turning the page. Yeah, I turned the page, I got my finances right, I got my body right, I got my life right. Like I've been turning pages, but we still in the same chapter. Why does chapter so long? Okay, well and when did the single chapter become 123 pages? Okay, I've been turning the page and I'm still right here. Okay, and and and I'm trying to figure out when does the the season of my life change? Yeah. Right? And it is easy, it is an easy cop out to just throw all of you into that workspace and to take that 55 and go zoom. Yes, you know, to to to get on a freeway and say, I'm just gonna ride this career thing on out. Yep. You know, I'm just gonna make I'm just gonna make this work, make it happen, and keep pushing.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

Yeah. Because no, go ahead, finish.

SPEAKER_02 41:22

I was just gonna say, because it's easier to do that than to keep believing that you have a moment up ahead.

SPEAKER_00 41:29

They and that that's that's what I was, you know, the the the uh the tr the uh attempt at filling a void until the void is filled. And it's like it's that until it's that uh it's gotta be filled at some point, right? So we don't which it doesn't. And I think I you know, I think um not in that way, right? And so uh the the there was a there's a podcast with the parries, they did this episode a while back, um, where it's talk talking about dating in your 30s, and it's really good. Um I'm I'm gonna I'm not gonna quote it exactly. I wish I could remember exactly what it what what they said, but what somebody um just made the point that uh there's a reality to uh marriage is not a promise from God, it's a gift from God. And so we oftentimes hold God to things that he never promised. So what's what and though and so we put people in positions, particularly in the church, that make it feel like if I just do XYZ, then this promise, then it that this is coming. And it's like that's not a promise from God. That that is that's not that's not part of his promise package. Um and so but it is a gift.

Pray Like A Child, Not A Leader

SPEAKER_02 42:55

And that's I don't like the gift language. I mean, I get it, but then it's like this is the gift that somebody else got, but not you, you know.

Handing It To God Without Explaining

SPEAKER_00 43:04

But but here's but the thing is, I I I get it, and I I I I want to tread lightly because I don't want to sit here in this, you know, marriage position and sound away, okay? I I realize I'm getting hot water territory. I'm not gonna be a lot of people. I I know you're not, but other people might be. So I want to be clear. Like I'm not, I'm I understand I'm but I think that there there is there there the the other thing that they said and um one of the things that somebody said was you know, marriage is a gift, but marriage really does make things harder. Like it's not easier, right? Uh and the things that we are itching for, if we're honest when we're single, the things that we're itching for about marriage are not are about 20% of what marriage really is. And so you realize that when you get married, and so it's like um those those are That's the reality. God's promise is for him. God's promise is God. And we sometimes I think that we diminish, we diminish the beauty of that. Right. Like God says, my promise is me. Is that not, I mean, is that really, is that not enough? And it's and and so I think that we have to be honest and say for most of us, and myself included, if I'm honest, being in my single, in my single space, I don't think God was enough. And I think also my career was what I needed to add to God to feel like I was it was enough. Right. And so then then it's like, if I'm not careful, I will I will just keep adding stuff to God, right? I'll just keep adding stuff. So I'm gonna add my my my husband, I'm gonna add children, I'm gonna add, you know, the the the the things we build together, like the life that we build. Okay, is that enough? Probably not. So I'm gonna add something else. When we don't when we don't see God as enough, yeah. Then we all we do is just keep adding stuff. We just keep adding, and it's never enough. And God is over here being like, I've always been enough. I'm going to continue to be enough, even when you're married. Because just because you get married does not mean you're complete. And so you only complete in in God, and God doesn't need anything else added to Him to make you complete. So I think that we that's the kind of language that you know, if you're a Jesus follower, that we have to lean into in this single, in this single season and and and be honest to say, I don't know, I don't know about y'all, but really, like I I don't believe that I for a for a long time I didn't believe God was enough. I felt like I needed more. And for me, my career was more. So I went after it. Wow. Right. And and so I'm grateful that that is not where my mindset is now. But I had to work through that. And I and I had to be honest about that because I did get burned out. And I did just like I can't anymore. Like I'm done, right? So yeah, I think, I think, I think that is that is um that's very that's very key. You know, Psalm 23 says, the Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. I don't just because he's my shepherd, I don't have any does I won't, I won't want for anything. Not because of anything else other than he's my shepherd.

SPEAKER_02 46:33

Let me tell you what will change the lives of many middle adults. That moment that you get to where you realize I don't have it. I don't have the strength, I don't have the the the knowledge, the I don't have the capacity. I I don't have it, and yet here it is still needing to be done. I have spent the last 10, 12, 15 years making my career, my ambitions, my abilities, my skill set the premier part of me. Right. I've spent all this time, right, building up this, this, this monument of look at me. All right, I'm good enough. All right, I I contribute, right? My life is meaningful. I spent all this time building it up, and now it has gotten to be more than what I can actually handle. Yeah. And that is the moment, and I do believe every middle adult will hit this moment where it is the Lord, if you don't do it, it won't get done. And not in that little superficial way, you know, where you're just like, you know, Lord, if you don't do it, you know, through me, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

SPEAKER_01 47:59

Like for real.

Shared Leadership And Sustainability

SPEAKER_02 48:00

If you don't do it, you know, using, you know, you know, you know, I'm good for it. You know, if you could just throw a little razzle dazzle on it, then you know, it'd be great. But you know, you know, I got it. You know what I'm saying? I got it. You know what I'm saying? I just need you to be there. Yeah. You know, show up, you know, just in case people feel like I'm not enough, even though we both know I am. You know, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about that moment where you are literally, I'll give y'all an example. Just recently, I was hosting this orientation program. Uh, Ruth and Joy will both tell you I was at work till like 11:30 at night, stressed, anxious. It was way more than what my capacity was. The night before I was sitting there, I couldn't even really go to sleep because my body was starting to shut down. One, and two, I was thinking about everything that still needed to be done that I had not done. And I knew that if the Lord did not step in in front of the college president, the dean of the graduate school, the associate deans, and all the dean of students, you know, every almost all the big name people of the university in this one little room where I'm running the show, it could all fall to pieces. You know, and it could just be one little thing because it just fell apart and then the whole thing. And I knew I was going in with limited help and with no capacity. I was already, my body was already like, girl, when you get home tonight, don't ask me for nothing. Right. And I was just like, if the Lord don't shut up, don't show up. And as I was driving to this large event at 7 o'clock in the morning, all I kept saying to myself was, My strength is made perfect in your weakness. Because nothing about me in this moment is is good enough to do what needs to be done. Yeah. And it was honestly one of the best events I've hosted. Yeah. But it was because the Lord showed up in ways that I could not have anticipated. When you get to those moments, you realize, you know what, life is about more than what I'm doing or what I accomplish or what I produce. That's right. Right. And it and it pushes you to say, okay, Lord, I have pigeonholed you. And now I would like to reopen some of these doors I had closed. I'd like to invite you back in to father me. I want I want to be fathered. Yeah. I want to be a daughter again. That's seriously. Seriously. I want to be a child. Like I don't Yeah, I want to be boy when he said, come to me like little children.

You Are Purpose; Stop Chasing Doing

SPEAKER_00 50:57

Amen. That that's that that that's so hard as a leader. You think about like leader you as a child. How do you operate as a leader and a child at the same same time? That's hard. That's hard to do. And and and and I and and and so especially in in again being being in your single season when it is just you. So the so as the leader, it's you. And you're like, I gotta hold it, I have to do it, I have to be it. And God is saying, You're a child. I need you to come to me as a child. Look, I think that is if if that's if that is a if that is something that we can lean into, like find your like silence the leader for a minute and let the child speak, right?

SPEAKER_03 51:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 51:54

Let the child speak. Even when you pray, don't pray as a leader, pray as a child. Wait a minute, wait a minute, expound. Like, you know, when we when we pray pray like a child would pray. Like don't don't try to don't try to be intellectual. Don't try to make sense all the time. Don't don't try to say what you think God wants you to what what you think God wants to hear. Pray like a child who doesn't have any inhibitions for what he or she asked for. They're just gonna ask. And they're not thinking about whether it's feasible or not. They're not thinking about the the details. They're not thinking about any of that. They just saying, God, I want this. Uh God, I, you know, I I I need this. God, you know, asking God questions. Roblox. Yeah, seriously. Like for real. You know, I mean, you know, my son just did a he just made a deal with me. He was like, you know, he's just he's just striking deals. Striking deals for. He said, Well, if you like, anyway, it's his whole thing, but he's basically like, if you want me to do something earlier, then you know, basically I can get my toy earlier. I said, Well, I don't need it early. I'm cool. He said, Yeah, that's what I thought. Yeah, I'm good. Like, so so it's it's it's but that's it. That's his thing, like he has no inhibition from doing that. Like he's he is willing to do it, he's willing to risk it. Like, we'll see what she says.

SPEAKER_02 53:23

We won't be willing to risk it with the Lord.

Final Exhortation And Closing

SPEAKER_00 53:25

We don't, but that's what children do. They don't think about stuff like that, they don't care. And part of it is the safety of your father. Like, I'm not worried about saying crazy things or asking for crazy things or something that he's gonna leave me or that he's gonna leave me that, you know, yeah, or that, or that he's going to um think I'm dumb or you know, be tired, get tired of me, or require more of me, or like, hey, you know, why don't you explain this stuff to me? Like, break that down, unpack that. Hey, God is not gonna do all of that, right?

SPEAKER_02 54:02

He's he's not asking you to unpack it.

SPEAKER_00 54:04

He's he's not he's not asking you for that. He just wants you to come to him. And I think we gotta we gotta come to God as children, not leaders. And I'm not sure we we do that often. I don't. I I I don't think I do.

SPEAKER_02 54:17

Um, I know that I probably don't. I also I think for me, a lot of my prayer is like me just sitting there in silence. Like I I I don't even I don't even know the words to say. I've been trying to find words for everyone else all day. See, and just feeling the comfort in not having to say anything. That's real.

SPEAKER_00 54:41

You know, like see, that's that's beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 54:44

Yeah, yeah, you know, and I think you have to know, you know, one of the things I heard at a church that I went to with a friend, and I think we were all there. It was uh we went to church with our friend Ashley, and it was a great service. They gave us t-shirts.

SPEAKER_00 55:00

Oh no, you and these are this t-shirt service, boy. You've been talking about that.

SPEAKER_01 55:04

Let me tell you something.

Community Shoutouts And Subscribe CTA

SPEAKER_02 55:05

That's one of my favorite t-shirts. It's a gray shirt with orange letters. Like we were like, huh? And I still remember the message that that pastor preached. He talked about pursuing peace. And it has always stuck with me because I I know that when I feel peace, that I have found God. That I have found the place, the position, the posture, I have found exactly where God intended for me to be. Yeah. That's my green pasture. Like when I when I'm when I'm in a place where I'm at peace, even if I feel like I got a lot to do, I feel like I might, you know, I'm like, I don't know how I'm gonna get from point A to point B. I don't know how this is gonna get done. I don't know how that's gonna get done. But if I feel peace, I'm in the pasture. I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm in the place that God has appointed for me to be in for this moment. Yeah. Um and I have learned as we are in this place where we are having to figure ourselves out outside of the life that we've built for ourselves, because you get to a point where you're like, all right, well, the life that I built for myself, I didn't realize that it had a capacity that I'm I'm about to outgrow it. Yeah. Like, you know, like when I moved into my new house, and I, you know, because I thought I was gonna miss my old house so much, and I love that old house. It was amazing. But like I'm I'm like, I I outgrew it. Yeah. You know, like it doesn't fit where I am right now and what I need right now, right? But I I get to trust God. There's an excitement because I get to trust God with my new thing and with my new place and with my new position because I I've been pursuing that. Yeah, I've been pursuing something new and not just what I built. And we have to get out of the mindset of I have to continue to build and form and and and create for myself what life is gonna look like. And the Lord is like, or you could find some peace with sitting with me for a minute while I unveil what I've already done for you. Like he's already done it. That's right. Have to do it. Yeah, God has already done it and he just wants to reveal it to you. And when we get into a posture like a child, where we say, Lord, will you reveal what's on the next page in the next chapter for me? Will you will you lead me into it? Will you usher me into the next season instead of me running aimlessly trying to get to it? Will you usher me into it? Yeah. You will find that God leads from a sense of peace, and he leads by leading you from grace to grace and from glory to glory, yeah. From faith to faith. And you will find that you will you will grow into the next season versus running into it.

SPEAKER_00 58:23

I I yeah, I I I love that. I think that I don't know, this child thing is just hitting right now. It's so, you know, I don't know if you uh, you know, you've been around two or three year olds lately, uh, but you know, I have a four-year-old nephew and little kids like that will just especially like two, one, two years old, when they start to walk, they'll just pick something up and drop it in your lap. They'll just pick it up and just hold here. You have no idea why. Why why do I have this? Like, and they'll just hate anything about this. They're just gonna hand you. They just hand you stuff. It's for no apparent reason. And I think that um that is a really beautiful, it's a beautiful way to look at the relationship with God. Like when when we're children, we when children just they find stuff and they go take it to their parents, right? They just go find it and take it to them. Here, here, here, here, here, here, like, and and you you have a handful of stuff and they're just they just gave it to you. And you're like, why like we as human parents are like, why are you giving this to me? But God doesn't ask why. He knows what to do with it, right? And when when we just go and hand him stuff, no context, no explanation, here, here, here, here, here, here, stuff that we've picked up and grabbed and found. Here, here, here. And he knows what to do with it. And I think that that is the posture of a child that's missing um in in our in in our in our in our leadership. And those of us that are leaders, I think that is something that we can begin to operate in, operate as a child. Just hand God your stuff, like, and and let him do with it what he knows to do with it. Uh, I think this this there is so that's that's one side of it. I think this other side is something that I've I've been embracing recently and I've seen the fruit of it, is this idea of shared leadership. I we we we've talked about this before, I think, um, in other episodes, but it's just so important to involve, and you said it earlier, involve other people in your leadership. Because quite frankly, there is no uh what you see in your mind cannot be accomplished just by you, right? It has to be accomplished by other people. And uh it's and it's you have to allow other people to take things that you can't, you not even that you can't manage, that you decide not to manage. You have them take it and it will be better. And there is less of a burden on you to make things work that you and and what once you once you give people once you kind of like, hey, this is our this is ours, right? I'm I'm I'm in the middle of a a large project, right? A capital campaign for Angel Street. There's no under no circumstances can I do it by myself. There's no way to do that, right? It's way too much. And half of this stuff, I don't even know what I'm doing, right? Building stuff, construction, you know, all this stuff never raises this much money before. So I gotta we like I need help, right? And so, but it's not, it's you don't want to ask for help from a place of desperation. You you want to ask for help from a place of anticipation. Like I anticipate this being more than what I can do, so I'm gonna bring you in on the bottom floor. I know this is too much for me. Before I get into it, I know it's too much, I need you now, as opposed to getting into it at being too much and being desperate and grabbing people. Um and I think it it also allows for things to sustain and for you to sustain, not just as the human doer, but the being, so that you can then focus your energy on other things other than that thing which you have which is your accomplishment.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:27

Yeah, you know, yeah, and I think it it allows for us to be fully uh imagined people, you know, like when you are not so concentrated in this idea of purpose, yes, and and I think that we have equated purpose to doing 100% we have, like yeah, like like my purpose is to you know accomplish X, Y, and Z and to do this, this, and that. And it's like when you were sent into the world, you were purpose. Yeah, so everything you do flows out of purpose, yeah, and so you don't have to continue seeking it.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? You don't have to you can literally pursue the Lord. And you're and you're pursuing purpose by doing that.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:16

Yeah, absolutely. You can you can literally pursue peace, you can literally pursue wholeness, you can live you can pursue uh life and life more abundantly. Like you're allowed to do that. Yeah, and abundant life doesn't just look like money, no abundant life looks like looks like peace, looks like joy, looks like faith unity, goodness, meekness, you know, all those.

SPEAKER_03 1:03:43

Fruit of the spirit.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:44

Fruit of the spirit, fruit of the spirit, you know, and and I just think final thought, don't compartmentalize your life, don't overly focus on one area of your life because you're trying to avoid the others. Take a moment and really sit down with the Lord and like Ruth Abigail said, give it to him. Because the things that you're holding are preventing you from receiving the things that he's holding.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:14

That's correct. That's good, Quito. We're gonna stop it right there, folks. Yeah, I think we're gonna end it right there. Um, thank you once again for listening. We are enjoying having this and this very necessary conversation with y'all. Uh, and uh, we would love for you, as always, to share this with somebody else. Do not keep it to yourself. Please like, share, and subscribe. Uh, the unlearned podcast. We've been rocking this thing with you for a while. We want to keep doing it. We want to grow the community, guys.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:44

It's gotta be a year. What are we?

SPEAKER_00 1:04:46

When is when was our year? This would be two. I think this time, I think two years. Yeah, around about this time, yeah. Mm-hmm. So, so yeah, we're we're in here. Oh, whoa, yeah. Yeah, we're in here. Yeah, oh my gosh, it's been two years. It's been two years since, yeah, it's been two years. Three, wait a minute, 2022, 2023. So three years for the podcast as a whole would have been going at this point for about three years. So yeah, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. Wow. We in here. We in here. Wow. We in here. Um, so yeah, y'all, we want to keep growing the community. We appreciate y'all rocking with us. And uh until next week, we're gonna keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom. Peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.