Stop Pausing Your Life While You Wait For Marriage

We unpack how single leaders can stop pausing life for marriage, ditch social media comparison, and embrace vulnerability and contentment now. We share money truths, healing tools, and stories that free us from performing a smaller self.

• calling out highlight reels and faux honesty online
• defining motives: celebration vs proving
• replacing comparison with contentment practices
• living now instead of waiting for a partner
• money myths about two incomes and lifestyle
• doing growth for self, not for eligibility
• avoiding spiteful independence energy
• attracting reality, not counterfeits
• vulnerability reps in friendships and community
• naming tools for triggers and ongoing healing
• embracing complexity instead of palatability
• leader power dynamics vs intimacy at home

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, everybody? And welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast. I am your host, Ruth Abigail, a K A R A. What up, friends? It's your girl Jaquita. And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more hurritom.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

Freedom.

SPEAKER_03 0:27

Yes. It's time to get in on this freedom, y'all. We love freedom. You know, listen, I feel like we should do this at the beginning. Sometimes we wait till the end, but you know, by then people may have clicked off. So here we are today asking you to please like, share, and subscribe. Absolutely. Podcast. Absolutely. Listen, we've been out here. If only y'all knew how much we have been putting in to make sure we get you guys these good, good episodes. Okay. We don't want anyone to miss out on this. We're talking about some good stuff here, guys. Make sure you like, make sure you tell a friend, and make sure you don't just like it, join us. There you go. Okay. There it is.

Why Freedom Matters For Middle Adults

SPEAKER_01 1:11

Okay, let us know it's real. All right. Let us know, guys. We definitely love we we love doing this. We really are very passionate about our middle adults and our middle adult community and about getting free. Because you know, us middle adults, we're finishing off, you know, kind of the third of the the the first third of our lives. You know what I mean? And so I I think it's him. You're about to get grim. It's about to get grim. I'm not getting grim. I'm just saying grim. No, no, no. I'm not trying to get grim. I'm just saying, like, it's time to be free from stuff. And the next the next the next you know, two-thirds of our life should be within freedom. You know what I'm saying? Like there's things that we just should not have to be dealing with, and we don't need to continue to accept in life anymore. And that's what we want to try to help un and help us do and help us to um unpack. That's like the middle adult world word. Uh-oh, Jaquita's on mute, guys. Jaquita has to unmute herself because we can't hear her.

SPEAKER_03 2:20

Have you been on mute the whole time? No, just now.

unknown 2:23

What do you think?

SPEAKER_03 2:24

But no, but uh unpack is the middle adult, like that's jargon right there. That's middle adult jargon right there. We love, we love to unpack something. We love the unpacking. We love the unpacking. Listen, speaking of unpacking, I really was thinking of uh baby mamas, but we're not talking about baby mamas. We're talking about single, single leaders again. I was just about to saying the song. B that's okay.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

Hilarious. Absolutely. This goes out to I'm sorry, it's in there, it's in there. We're in there. I haven't thought about that song in a decade. Okay, go ahead.

Setting Up The Single Leaders Theme

SPEAKER_03 3:11

Watching younger people do the When I See You song, like and get so caught up, like like that's their their song. That's their song. Like, how many don't even know this? Tick too. Um, yeah, go ahead. But, anyways, we're still talking to single leaders, um, or talking about single leaders, you know. I resonate with what we're about to talk to so much because I feel like for so long in my single journey, you know, I did not realize how hyper-focused I was on this idea of marriage, not only as a concept, but as like this this necessary thing that I needed to complete me, to really begin my life. I was waiting on this thing so that I could begin living. Wow. Um, and and doing everything in my life to make sure that I could get to that point. Um, and so today we want to hone in specifically on the kind of some of the decisions that we make as single leaders um and how we transition from really being kind of that in that mindset where everything is kind of circling around this idea of finding a mate to really just allowing our singleness to be a gift. Which, if you're at a point in your life where that phrase gets on your nerves, you know, if you because you know, listen, we we middle adult is not a monolith, okay? We're not monolithic just because we're single and middle adults, okay? Everybody does not sit there and be like, man, I just love being single. Or I've really found a contentment with it. You know, I don't know where everyone is in their journey, you know, but I do know that I've been on both sides of the coin, yeah, and I'm I'm here to tell my truth on today.

SPEAKER_01 5:14

That's really good, Jaquita. And I I will say, I, you know, there's some there's some there were some things, there's some things that we're gonna talk about that I definitely uh have can relate to um and of how I was kind of in my mindset. I still I'm still down with the singles. Can I just get you know what? All right, y'all. Like she be doing this on every episode. If you look here, if you are tired of Jaquita throwing me under the bus every time I try to relate, just put in the comments. Let please chill, Quita. Just put in the comments, chill, Quita. Chill. Nah, nah.

SPEAKER_03 5:55

And if you believe Ruth Abigail is doing the most, trying to act like she's still in the trenches.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

I'm not acting like it. I'm just saying I can understand.

SPEAKER_03 6:07

That's like, hey guys, I know what it's like to be poor. Not having enough, okay? Just yesterday, I had to go to my second savings, okay, to pay for a trip. I'm so sick of you. I'm so sick of you.

SPEAKER_00 6:21

I'm so sick of you. I really can't stand you.

The Marriage-As-Finish-Line Mindset

SPEAKER_01 6:24

I can relate. Whatever. The point is, I I did relate, okay, uh, to some of these. And in particular, I can't say, and I think um, I can't say that I necessarily was on the side of waiting to do things until I got married. I think, you know, my mom was uh she married later in life, and she was kind of my example. And so she I was very grateful to never felt never have felt pressured um to kind of start that journey at any particular point in time. And my mom had really uh had accomplished a lot of things before she got married, and so I cut that was kind of my blueprint, and and I just kind of went after certain things, but there are some things um around fear, uh vulnerability and um that I think I was uh leaning into more and even to your point, Quita, doing those things primarily so that I felt like I could be prepared for somebody else. Like I do think that that was a part of, I won't say the like a but I think that was a part of like if I don't figure this out, like I don't know how I'm gonna connect to somebody. Um and so we're gonna just run through a few of these points that we kind of we've talked through that we think are some realities to being a uh leader um that is single and desires marriage, right? Desires a partner.

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Yeah.

Three Core Pitfalls To Unlearn

Social Media, Branding & Comparison

SPEAKER_01 8:03

And these are things that we have to look out for, we have to unlearn and and and get free from because I think a lot of these things, there's not a it's not we're not gonna go over a whole lot. Uh we're gonna go over kind of three major major things, but these things are pretty critical, and I think they they stop um a lot of people from being free in this area, and in turn can stop that can stop your life, right? It can keep you stuck, and I you know, keeps us stuck. So um this first one I think is is is something that we we will definitely know and understand. And just something we have to be honest about uh when it comes to when it comes to social media, you know, I I'm not a big social media person. I I really would not have it if I didn't have to use it for work, have a podcast and have this podcast, right?

SPEAKER_03 9:00

And didn't and wasn't the executive director of an organization, I wouldn't we wouldn't even know what Ruth Abigail looks like.

SPEAKER_01 9:07

Honest to God, like I would know be nowhere near social media. I it is not something that interests me. I'm not interested in doing it. However, because I am on it, I noticed a lot of things. Um, one of the things that I I I noticed is, and I don't know, Queen, if you've if you have seen this um in people that you know, but there are people that I know that are that consistently put up what I would call highlight real moments of their life. And that's all they do, right? And I particularly notice it when I know that their life is not in a highlight moment.

SPEAKER_03 9:49

Like it's not something I think, it's something I fingertip touch because the way, let me tell you something. The phone calls most of us in our middle adults age range are getting in regards to social media, are you see the status such and such put up? Okay, like, or you see somebody change their last name, or I'm checking for the ring, the ring ain't there no more. Hey, look, let's be honest. Let me tell you something. It is a pattern, you know. I I keep changing my dissertation. I haven't changed my dissertation topic, but I'm like, I keep re-molding it and reshaping it. Um, and I'm I'm I am just so like there would be somebody needs to study the trends that have gone through social media as far as how we are like relaying like the more grievous areas of our lives. Because there is a way to track it, right? There's a formula, there's a system, right? And when people start posting too many memes, we're watching you. You got 20, 20 uh of them for work. We see you, okay? You're not as cryptic as you think. You're not, you're not at all cryptic. No, um, but I I do think that there is this idea where social media, when you think about all of the words kind of surrounding social media, like story and status, and you know, like highlights and messaging, like it's a brand, right? Man, absolutely telling and crafting the story that you want everyone to know. It's it's you positioning yourself to market yourself, whether you're marketing yourself as, oh, look, look how great of a friend I am. Like social media is a marketing, it's a place where we market ourselves. Correct. Right? It is a place where we deliver a story, an image, a brand, whether you're trying to brand yourself as the super successful, traveling, you know, uh super independent, carefree person, or whether you're like, you know, listen, I'm getting it in. I'm grinding every day. You know, look, achievement, achievement, achievement. Yeah, you know, or you know, are the, you know, I'm just so politically engaged. Like I care so much about everything happening in the world and have really solid opinions about everything. Or, you know, who I was for a while. I'm gonna give you this word of encouragement. There you go. Right. I got a little something for you. The Lord just dropped in my ear. Wanna wanna pass that on to you because you know, faith, faith, and more faith is what I got to give. The same, right? But it doesn't, you know, everybody has built this brand and this idea of who they are. And as a single person, you can really there's kind of two places you get stuck, right? It's it's, you know, I'm gonna change my Facebook picture because this is gonna be the one that grabs them. And when I change my Facebook picture, I'm gonna spend all day looking to see who liked it, right? And then I'm gonna surely someone will see this amazing picture of me and want to snatch me up and come right to my door. Listen, you know, she she put on the gold earrings today, and that really that's what did it for me. That did it. That's when I knew. Uh-huh. That's when I knew. But you know, we we either do that or we are sometimes we can use it to cover up this idea that like just because I'm single, I don't want you to think I'm deficient. Yes. Just because I'm single, I don't want you to think I'm lacking anything. I don't want you to think I'm not content. Like, I need to prove to the to the peoples that, you know, I still got it, I'm still out here, I'm still that girl. Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

And I think that we have to be, we just gotta be honest. And you know, I I think that, you know, we we were kind of talking about just kind of joking about the memes and stuff earlier. It's really interesting, like, like we meme culture, filter culture, like, you know, uh real culture. I mean, all of that, like you said, it's just flashes of stuff. The reels are flashes of stuff, the memes are flash of something. Um, what's also interesting about the meme culture and it or or these, you know, elaborate paragraphs of of you know, what people like word, what do you what'd you call them? Word, what would you say? Word, I think like word graphics or words. Word graphics, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like is we use them to express we use other people's words and creation to express how we feel. Whoa. Yeah. As opposed to being honest, to your point. Right? I think there's I think there's something there, but go ahead. That like we it's our way of letting you in, but not too much. It's like you know what I'm saying? And I think that it is a mark of again, and a lot a lot of a lot of times, like it's like, you know, you see, you see a um, I don't know, it's it's a lot, a lot of times it can be very you can tell, okay, like you're seeing this over and over and over again. You can kind of like deduce certain things, but you're never 100% sure. And I think that that lack of honesty, that faux honesty, if you will, yeah, allows us to believe that we're being honest, right? I'm putting my I'm putting my truth out there with this meme. It's like really like and it's still a cover-up, it's still something that you want you want people to see, but you don't want them to see. And we and and that that is that we we really have fallen into that. And I and I think particularly as leaders, I love what you said. We don't want it is not you don't want to be seen as deficient because quite frankly, the rest of your life is not that like you feel like I'm I'm you know, it's hard when you feel like you're winning in one area and losing in another. You don't want to feel like a loser, you do not want to feel like I'm not winning here. So in order for me to win here, what do I need to do to look like I'm winning? And that that is something that I think it's a it's a platform that uh social media is a platform that a lot of people use so that it looks like they're winning because you want to win in every area of your life. Now I'm not suggesting, and I think neither neither are you, are I'm not we're not suggesting that it's wrong or that it's like you know, to to put great things out there, to put you know, accomplishments out there. None of that is bad. It's a great, it's fantastic. It's really looking at why are you doing it? Yeah, what are you trying to what is the what is your motive? What are what are you what are you hoping to prove? Are you hoping to prove something by putting this out there? Or is it genuinely a celebratory moment that you want to share? Those are those can be two different things, and I think it's important for us to evaluate what my why is there.

SPEAKER_03 18:05

Yeah, and I think one thing I feel like I've learned just in these single streets, if you will, is that it really is when you are walking with the Lord, it really he is much more concerned about the status of your heart, yeah, than which box you check on your tax forms. You know, like you know, like and it is I think when we get out of the mindset that marriage is a gift for right living, like it's a reward. It's like, okay, congratulations. Yeah, yeah, that's all the things, you know, you you met all the requirements for marriage, you know, because the I think the other piece of social media that gets us caught up is this this level of comparison where you start seeing it happen for other people. And it's almost like we got checklists, and we be like, now, Lord, now I day your child. Day your child too. Okay, but Lord, I thought I was in the honors college. Like I thought I was doing the things. Like I thought, you know, I gave you a little extra devotion, you know, last week, made sure I worship a little more. Sure. You know, made sure, you know, I go to church every Sunday, read my Bible every night, you know. I I taught, I mentor people, I minister to people, I preach, I teach, you know, I'm doing all these things. You know, how are people getting ahead of me in this thing? And we start taking the life that we were gifted with, and we start minimizing it to fit into this box of who we think we're supposed to be and where we think we're supposed to be, and you don't enjoy the moment because we're stuck looking at a screen. That's right. We're stuck, and and the screen is now informing you and telling you who you're supposed to be and where you're supposed to be in life. That's right. You know, you start seeing people you went to high school with and people you went to college with, and you're like, okay, Lord, look like everybody moving on up.

SPEAKER_01 20:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 20:19

You know, look like everybody's everybody's transitioning to their next level of life. And I think that we have to be honest with ourselves. If you are struggling with comparison now, you will also struggle with it later. Because when you get married, then you're gonna be like, oh, okay, well, so-and-so, they got this bigger house, yeah, and now they just got a new car. Oh, and now they have a child, and it's hard for, and I'm struggling to have a child, and you know, oh, well, they, you know, went on you know, two vacations this summer and we could only afford to go on one. Right. But the the habits and the mindsets and the heart posture that we have when we're single, those things transition with us into marriage. And it really is something that you have to be able to identify now because it's not going to get better when that person comes.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

No. I was just about to say, like, with children, like that's definitely something. I wouldn't say I'm like super comparative, you know, comparison, but it's definitely something that crosses my mind. It's like, yo, like I, you know, well, when is like when is that you can get it doesn't stop? Like the comparison doesn't stop. And you can ask yourself, you can still get in the trap of asking yourself the same types of questions, just the same question, different to different subject, right?

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:41

Um it's a mindset shift. And so um I think you're 100% right. We have to get we have to stop um we have to stop using social media as uh so much of an outlet that it is really stealing our joy. Um in a s in in not like like you said, really loving today. Like and and and that that can that can that can be a part of it. Um all right, what is the next one, Quito?

Metrics, Motives & Contentment Checks

SPEAKER_03 22:13

Um okay, all right. Let's let's get into this one, okay. I want to talk to my single friends, okay, single ladies, all I'm a single ladies, I'm a single okay. Doing everything with the mindset of this is for my marriage. Yeah. Or with the mindset of this is gonna push me towards marriage, right? And I really think that we get to these points um where I I think one example for me is, you know, I took my healing class, and the whole time through the healing class, I was like, all right, we're getting healed. You know, this is that last thing, right? And when I when when I'm fully healed and the Lord looks at this healed heart, there you go, okay, and I'm all whole and stuff, come on, you know, he's gonna be like, oh, great. Yep, you know, now now I can send it to her. You know, now she's ready. Open that door up, angels, okay, and send that man, you know, but halfway through the journey, I realized this has absolutely nothing to do with anybody except for me. That's right. Like this is this is a moment that God has set aside for me because God loves me and because He wants me to be whole and content and satisfied and enjoying life. Yeah. Um, and I can honestly say I went years not enjoying my life. You know, I went years saying, hey, life will become enjoyable when the person comes. Man, that's right now, you know, just grind, work, you know, and and live for the day that's coming and not for the day that you're in.

SPEAKER_01 24:03

That's so, I think that's such an important God. Live for the like lit, don't live for the day that's coming. Live for the day you're in. And I think that's such an important thing for us to really like go after stuff. Like, don't, you know, don't get in your head about, well, if I if I if I achieve too much and I have too much, he won't want me. Get that out of your head, right? Or, you know, if uh if if I if I do so much by myself, what are we gonna do together? I know, right?

SPEAKER_03 24:37

Like you're gonna get together and be like, oh, I've already done the thing.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

You know, like you gotta get that out of your head.

SPEAKER_03 24:43

Yeah, and you really cannot suspend your becoming, you know, and we suspend a lot of things in our lives. Um, and and honestly, what you're looking for will only recognize the version of you that God wants to be with that person. That's right. And I think that that's something that I've really come to realize. You know, my friends, they have jokes right now, okay? They got a lot of jokes, okay. Apparently, I'm in my bougie era. She is guys. They remind me of this constantly because I used to be like$20. Yep. Ain't nobody paying$20 for that, you know, because I ain't have$20.

SPEAKER_00 25:26

There you go.

SPEAKER_03 25:27

You know? That's why I was saying that it's not because I didn't want to, or because I didn't think it would it was a good idea. It's because, hey, if all I got is$20, I can't use it on that. Um, but you know, uh blessed be the Lord God who delivers us and strengthens us and and and gifts us with resources. Um but you know, even in that, like I I've been just thinking through that. I'm like, I'm such a different person when it comes to like my mindset around money, you know, my mindset around, you know, keeping a house, you know, or my mindset around the importance of work, you know. No, I'm not going and sitting at that job all day. I got other stuff to do. I got a life to live. Yes, I'm gonna travel. Yes, I'm gonna get out. Yes, I'm I'm going to enjoy my life, and not because I'm doing it with the mindset that of, you know, he might be there. Yeah, might be around the corner. Yeah. You know, if I go to this conference, y'all, okay, it's a well-known fact. Uh, back in the day, before you know all the law changes and stuff, we used to have a men of color conference. Uh-huh. Okay, it was a big deal. And everybody knew I went to the men of color conference to find me a man of color.

SPEAKER_01 26:51

Every year.

SPEAKER_03 26:52

Every year. To the point that child, I was telling other people about it, and we was all there. Like everybody became dressed down. Okay. And we was all there. I had one of one of the ladies who worked at the convention center that we were having the conference at. I told her, I was like, listen, girl. I met her at another event. I was like, listen, the men of color conference, you need to go there because you're gonna find you a man of color. And when I got when I saw her there, she said, girl, thank you. I already got three numbers. I said, We don't gatekeep round here, hunty. Okay, go find you one. I used to go there, I had my high hello app Red D. Okay. Hilarious. Red D. You won't you want this? You need this information? Who need it? Who need it? Let's just, all right, there you go. All right, we don't have time to play these games. But I it it never worked, you know? Yeah, sure. Yep, yep. It never worked because then it becomes futile. It becomes futile to do these things when all you're thinking about, every move, you're thinking, this is it, the man's gonna be here. No, he's right around the corner. Oh no, if I go to this, I do this. Baby, live your life. Live it. Live your life. Yeah, stop trying to stop trying to create and fashion and and and and position. And it it ain't gonna happen that way. You know, you can be intentional about meeting people, but don't try to don't try to uh to mastermind a plan for marriage, just be intentional about meeting people. That's uh hey man.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

You've grown so much. I'm so proud of you. Um I would say uh that yes, and that's for earlier in the conversation. Um yes, and uh the other thing I would also I would also caution when you're doing these things, don't don't do it out of spite. I think so that we can we can go to the other side of like I don't need no man to do this, I'm gonna just go do this on my own, that kind of attitude. And it's like hey, don't don't do it out of spite because you're just trying to prove something. Like, I don't need you, I'm gonna go do this, I'm gonna go do me, I'm gonna go, I'm I'm gonna I'm gonna do me, I'm gonna do my life, I'm gonna, you know, live. Because because it's giving bitter. Not it's giving bitter. I mean, it's like, you know, you're it's it that kind of energy is not the energy that you I think you want to practice living with. You don't want to practice living your life because you're trying to prove you don't need anyone to do it. Live your life because that's it's your life to live and do it with joy and contentment. Um and regardless of what happens as a result of it, right? Like just do that. And I think that's I think that's a healthier, healthier way to have a have mindset about that. The other the other thing I think is important um that understanding that anyone you you don't want somebody to find you, you don't want anyone to find you as less than your real self. Well, so if your real self is somebody who is a high achiever, somebody who is good with money, somebody who uh enjoys, you know, a certain level of life that's just authentic to who you are, you need to do that. Like and not have not again have it in your mind that I I need to I need to tamper it down in order to be attractive to somebody because you don't even want him to be or her to be attracted to what's not real. Yeah, you want them to be attracted, and and uh and the best partner is going to partner with who you really are, yeah. Not not the version of yourself you think can be caught.

SPEAKER_03 31:10

Yeah.

Living Now vs Waiting For Marriage

SPEAKER_01 31:11

And and I think that is something we we absolutely have to unlearn. And it keeps us stuck again in this mindset, and worse than stuck single, it'll connect you to somebody you don't need.

SPEAKER_03 31:23

Man, let's talk about the counterfeits, man, because you're gonna end up being with somebody who matches who matches your portrayal and not your reality. Right? You know, I you're trying to, you know, you're trying to pretend to be low maintenance, and now you done caught low maintenance. What you said, what you said and now and now you trying to make low maintenance work. But they're not gonna stay low maintenance. You your bougie is coming, it's coming. Let me tell you something. It's coming. Talk to my bougie. My bougie's okay, it slipped right on out. I said, my bougie was only restricted by my paycheck. Okay, it was only, it said, when we finally got to a place, it said, oh, stretch out. Okay, please. I've been I've been pushed in this corner for too long, right? But but seriously though, and and I I really want to talk because I feel like I was not the only person in that position. Um, you know, listen, all of us didn't go to college and get these STEM degrees. Okay. Nope. Not at all. Some of us went and got these uh these humanities. We went to these liberal arts colleges. You know, I majored in religion, okay? Listen, all right, I majored in religion, and I came out with a bachelor's in religion from a great school, a master of divinity from a great school. And then I went out to the real world and they said, What is that? What is that, and and why would you think that that was gonna do anything for you? Okay, and I had to, I had to do a slow crawl. I had to, because I was I was building up purpose, and purpose at the time was not building up, it was providing, but like providing at cost. You know, I was living an at-cost life. That's you know, it was an investment into my call, it was an investment into who I am as a person, it was an investment into um into what God had for my hands, and I and I sold my seed into the ground. And when the harvest time, when the Lord said, Okay, it is it is time, okay, you don't have to live like that anymore. Okay, I said, Thank you, Lord. And I I moved right on up. Where the Lord pulled me up to, I I went with them. Okay, and so I I just really want to encourage because everybody's journey is different. And when we we can get stuck a lot of times going back to that comparison thing, going back to the social media thing, there may be a lot of middle adults like me who also watched as people went on trips, as they went out and they were enjoying their lives. And as a single person, when you don't have the money to do everything that other singles are doing to make themselves feel better, that's real. You get what I'm saying? That's real, man. All you got to hope for is marriage. That's because you like, man, maybe when I get the double income, I can go live.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Quit you need to pause right there because I think that's a very real, I think that's a very real mindset that that that is not. I don't, I don't, I don't know that I've ever heard it said like that before. And it's just it's very raw. Like that's so real. Like when you don't have the money to live the way that you said other people live as a single person, all you have to hope for is marriage sometimes. Listen. I I need a we need two incomes so I can go on a vacation. Ruth Abigail.

SPEAKER_03 35:13

I need two incomes so I can, you know, eat out at a fancy. I was about to say, yeah, we go out to a nice dinner. And, you know, run through the tulips like everybody else. Because when you're living paycheck to paycheck, you feel like there's really no other way. Like you don't feel like you have a lot of joy. And then you start revenge spending, right? You start shopping and saying, I'm gonna buy this stuff anyway. Is this gonna leave me in a financial crunch next next month? Probably. Yes, but I'm gonna spend it anyway because when I look on social media, everybody is out here flouncing around in name brand stuff. Where y'all get Prada and Gucci from? Okay, how y'all over? You know, I'm over here at North Storack, y'all at Neiman Marcus. You know where they're getting it from, Jaquita?

SPEAKER_01 36:07

Credit cards. Visa MasterCard. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 36:10

Yeah. Right, but you don't even make enough to get approved for it, though.

SPEAKER_01 36:18

That$300 limit ain't finna give me nothing.

SPEAKER_03 36:21

No, I ain't never had no$300 limit. No, it was a little bit better than that. You know, I had a career. I had a career, you know. A credit card for$300. But regardless, like, you know, like seriously, like you're looking and you're watching everybody live, and you don't think you'll be able to enjoy the things that they're enjoying until you are married. Now, that's not the only reason why you're hoping and looking for marriage, but it is a thought that runs through your mind that, like, okay, I'm not gonna be able to do the things until I get a second income. And I specifically want to tell you that if you are a child of the Lord, and if you know God, if you know that God is a provider, and not only is God a provider, like God is not a check-to-check kind of guy, right? God can set you up in a position, He can give you um, He can give you a master plan, He can give you ideas, He can give you um, He can give you uh uh opportunities that are not uh regular or that are not you know previously written, that you would not expect, that can change your status, and you don't have to depend on marriage in order to become a person that can enjoy life. Absolutely. You know what I'm saying? No, take a moment, but it's only when you it's only when you remove that thought out of your mind that it's only this. This is the only way that I'm ever be financially stable, is when there's another income and we splitting bills and da da da. When you take that mindset away, it gives you an opportunity to hear God's course for your life. But when you are only stuck on it's gotta happen this way, yeah. This is what I need to happen so that I can, you know, X, Y, and Z, you are missing the opportunity for God to show you who He really is to you. And I think that's what I've started to lean into. Um, because I'm not I now I'm like, hey, listen, I have a set back, I have a set lifestyle, okay, I have set expectations because you know the Lord has blessed me and put me in a different position. And so, you know, now meet the real Jaquita. You know? Yeah. Listen, I I'm not, you know, I'm not out here in Gucci and Prada because I really don't even like it that much. Yeah. But you know, find me something that I do like and let's go, let's go.

Money, Lifestyle & “Two Incomes” Myths

SPEAKER_01 39:04

Well, and and I I think um two two things, and and then we'll we'll pivot to the next point, but I think it it's understandable. One, two incomes come one income, one person. I think sometimes we think two incomes, one person. And it's like, no, baby, it's two incomes, two people. And so that that mass. Well, yeah, but that I but that mass starts to feel a little funny. Like, hold on, um two incomes. I felt I thought we were supposed to be, it's like, no, I'm not doing much different. Like the stuff I was doing before, I'm pretty much still doing, right? Uh, and you know, you you you might feel like you can splurge a little bit here and there, but it ain't drastic because you got a whole other human and you don't know who that human is, and you don't know what they're coming with, and you don't know what expectations and the life that they're used to living. So there's this thing that you have to learn. And then the other thing um is that if you're not careful, not only are you gonna miss um uh what the way that God can uh position you right to be resourced his way, but if you have this mindset that is uh toxic in the sense of I I have to I'm gonna need another, I need a second income, I need a a man or a woman in order to have the life I want, you could be running into a burden that uh you didn't ask that you asked for and didn't realize what was coming. And so you are you're you're you're searching for this, and what what can happen is you could gain a burden instead of a blessing because you really were not uh looking for this individual for the right reason, and you could get exactly what you asked for and hate it, right? You could get exactly what you asked for and hate it, right? Because if what you're asking for is lifestyle, if that's what you want, understand that it comes with every all the other things, it comes with character, it comes with uh maturity, it's going to or lack thereof, it's going to come with all these other things. And if lifestyle is the only thing you looking to fix, if if you go into it, oh, I can live the life I want, that life is gonna seem a little real thin real quick, because if those other things aren't compatible and aren't right, the lifestyle is not gonna matter to you after about shoot a week. Like it won't you won't care. And so you've just gained a burden and not a blessing, because uh the way that the way that we're thinking about this thing um is just is warped. It's just not yeah, it's just not right. So um I think those are those are those are really important things to unlearn. Uh okay, so this last thing is, and I would say this thing is probably something that I I have uh spent the most time with my um uh figuring out myself is this idea of using preparation uh as a mask because of the fear of vulnerability. My lord. Right? Uh I'll only date seriously when I get certain things together, is the idea, right? We we we you know, we don't always say that, but that's how we move. For men, a lot of times that might be money, that might be the right career path. Uh, and you know, that's what I hear so much from from guys is like, you know, well, I just gotta make sure I got my money right. I gotta make sure that I I've I've hit certain marks in my life, mostly financially, um, and a level of stability before I bring on somebody else. Now, hear me, I think that's wise. Like, I don't think that's a bad thing. Sometimes we can overdo it though. Sometimes we can go so far, and what's what's really holding us back is fear, not preparation. You're actually prepared, but you're afraid because there is a level of vulnerability that you have not yet committed to to going in order to make a real intimate connection. And I would say for women, uh, I think em uh healing, you mentioned it earlier, Quita, like going through a healing process, which we all need to do, um, uh, you know, making sure that I'm um stable mentally, making sure that I uh I feel, you know, my esteem is right, make sure that I'm I'm good um as a just that I love myself, like all those things, those are good things to prepare. Those are not, those are great things to prepare. And you need to prepare those things and like but doing it because you need to do it for you and not necessarily focusing on it solely for. Preparing for a partner. And so I think again, we can we can overdo it and and be in preparation season so long mostly because we have not allowed ourselves to be vulnerable. And I think, or we're afraid of what that is. We're afraid of vulnerability. And we're afraid we won't be good at it. I will say for me, I I was afraid. There was I really there was a a time in my life that I was afraid I would never get married because I never I didn't think that anybody could love me the way I was. Because I was so locked up inside. I just didn't think anybody would deal with that. And I didn't know how to get I didn't know how to get unlocked. Um and you know, this idea of transparency and vulnerability was so unnerving to me. And I was like, I know that's gonna be necessary, I don't know that I can do it. And because I don't know that I can do it, I don't think anybody's gonna want me. That's that's what that's what played in my mind for a while, I would say. And so I I I just began to believe that unless I figure this out, I'm not gonna get married. Now for a while, I didn't really care that much because I was marriage wasn't on my mind. But then when marriage became something I halfway desired, I I won I knew that that was something I needed to I needed to work through. And what I had to make sure of was that I wasn't doing it just for the marriage, like uh for the opportunity to get married. I was doing it because it was gonna be healthy for me to do, period. It was gonna make me a better leader to be more vulnerable, it was gonna make me a better friend, a better daughter, um, a better uh everything, right? To be more vulnerable. Uh and I could relate to people in a different way. I could connect to people in a different way. And uh and it had it wasn't just about being married. And so I had to go through that journey, but there was a fear of not being able to hold a marriage or to be desirable to be married because I I did not know how to not be, I didn't know how to be vulnerable.

SPEAKER_03 46:12

Uh and so you know, yeah, me, you know, we've been friends for like 20 years. I don't know that we've ever had this conversation in this uh really like I don't think I've ever heard you say it like that. Really?

SPEAKER_00 46:28

I thought I had. Okay, well, possibly.

SPEAKER_03 46:30

First time everything. I'm I'm interested to know. I mean, I I feel like the audience is interested in knowing what ways outside of a relationship did you work on being more vulnerable?

Joy Without Spite: Authentic Becoming

SPEAKER_01 46:47

I would say mostly through my friendships. I think um that was where I practiced it is with the community, with people I was close to. Um, a lot like allowing people more deeply in, um being more transparent, um honest about kind of what I was feeling, and also I think taking more risks. I I I I became less risk averse in in several areas of my life. And it's just like, hey, you just gotta step out there and do it. You're not gonna, you're not gonna be prepared for everything. You just have to go for it. And I think by practicing that in small ways over time helped, even if it was as small as I don't want to say this thing, but I'm gonna say it. Uh or it could it could be that it could be that small, or it could be as small as like introducing myself to another colleague, just you know, because I'm just not used to being the one to go first. And for me, that felt vulnerable. It felt like I don't want, you know, I don't want to be rejected or I don't want to um, you know, I don't want to be awkward, you know, whatever. Like I just I had all these I don't wanna bees and I just didn't do it. But it's like, hey, if it happens, it happens. If they look at you crazy, if they look at you funny, it is what it is, just do it. Like I I went through this period where you know, I read uh I think it was like 2018, I read Shonda Rhymes' book, The Year of Yes.

SPEAKER_03 48:22

Great book. I remember when you read that.

SPEAKER_01 48:24

Great book, and I definitely took that on. I said, I'm going to practice this in my own way. And I think that the thing that I kind of said, hey, for this next, I think it was for this next year, I want to say I did. I'm going to the things I would normally say yes to, I'm going to say no to. And the things I normally say no to, I'm going to say yes to to the extent I could do it. And I and I consciously did that. And so if I normally would not do something, I made myself do it. Uh, if I normally would do something for whatever reason, I said, hey, I'm not gonna do that. So I think small way practicing in very small ways was really helpful for me. Um and uh and it it made it made it less scary. And I think the other thing that was helpful is uh writing, like just journaling, starting to journal a lot, and um, you know, we've talked about this on another episode, but you know, the blog that I started and that getting that out, like that was my first entry point into letting people into a place that I just have never let, especially public, like publicly, that never happened, right? And that and I I saw how that resonated, and I also saw how that made me more free. And so I just kept doing that. Um and that helped me a lot, and that was in like 2018. And and so for me, it was about a it was a three-year between going through that and kind of deciding how I'm gonna live in the uh 2021 where I met my husband's three-year journey. I don't know, it could be a six-month journey for people, you know, it could be a 10-year journey, I don't know, but it it but it wasn't top of mind. Like I didn't do that because I wanted to, I was thinking about marriage. That wasn't the reason I did it. Um, so so yeah.

Counterfeits And Attracting Your Reality

SPEAKER_03 50:11

I think it's interesting. I also will say that I struggled with vulnerability, um, but in a different way. Like, I for me, I feel like I struggled with being vulnerable first with myself and like just really being honest and saying things like Jaquita, that made you angry, or Jaquita, that really, that really hurt. Yeah, you know, or you know, and because I was such a silver lining, it's gonna be okay, you know, push through, push through, that I wasn't allowing myself to feel feeling. Yeah, yeah. And I used to say all through high school, all through college, all through my young adult years, I'd be like, you know, I'm just not a crier. Yeah. You know, I don't, I don't really cry much, you know, because while everyone else is crying, I'm like, okay, how can I make this better? You know, how can I spend this, give a little encouragement, you know? And I got to a point in my life where I was like, you know, Jaquita, maybe you haven't been telling yourself the truth about everything. And maybe because you haven't been telling yourself the truth, maybe you also don't know how to tell other people the truth. And I had to start sitting with myself. I would say round about the same time, maybe like 2017, 2018. I had to start sitting with myself and saying, I have big feelings toward things that I normally just scoot on over for the for the sake of creating harmony or preventing disagreement, are preventing um uh not controversy. What's the C word? Conflict. Conflict. I'm very conflict avoidant, I was right. And so like I'm I'm I'm trying my best to keep things at a stable point because I am at a point where I don't even know how I'm gonna react if I get to a point where somebody push me over the edge. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've not seen myself over the edge, neither has anybody else. And so what if I do get to that place? Can people love me even if I'm angry? That's real. That's good. Even if I'm upset, even if I'm sad, yeah, even if I'm showing up and I'm not bubbly and I'm not charismatic, but I'm really down. Yeah. You know, I'm really, you know, not feeling it today. Yeah. You know, like well, you know, and I think a lot of that for me came because in high school I really struggled with low self-esteem and insecurity. And so I spent a lot of time building myself up to be the perfect friend, to be the person that everyone wanted around. I had like eight male best friends, and they, you know, like they were all my friends were my world. Yeah and me becoming whoever each of them needed was what I was preoccupied with. Um, and I always had the thought, like, if I'm not the perfect friend, they're gonna realize that uh they don't really need or want me around. Yeah. And I think for some of us, I think vulnerability takes on this aspect of really, I think the first or one, maybe not the first part, because I I think self-awareness is the first part of everything. But there's a moment where you have to be honest. And you and and there's a moment where you have to say, even if I don't feel like anyone will understand this, I have to trust somebody around me to to let this out. Yes, yes, and and and and and really acknowledging with yourself that it is okay. It is okay for me to not be perfect, for me to have feelings, for me to have opinions, yeah, for me to uh not know how to deal with something, for me to be unsure. It is okay for us to be complicated. You get what I'm saying? And I think we try to simplify ourselves to make ourselves palatable for people. But it is okay for you to be complicated, yeah. And and you're allowed that, and you are going to have to be, for those of us desiring marriage, you're gonna have to be all of your complicated self within that marriage. Man, you know, I think that's another um idea that I kind of had to move away from, this idea that I was crafting the perfect person for my husband. You know, I had to be the perfect weight, I had to, you know, keep um uh keep my face made up every day and my hair a certain way every day, and wearing, you know, the same, you know, these fashionable clothes every day. And I had to be really smart, had to be really on top of myself, and and trying to mold this idea. I gotta wash the dishes every day, which I still is a struggle. I hate washing the dishes. Sure. That now that is one thing I still be thinking in my mind. I'd be like, listen, if I tell my husband that I'll cook, I think I can get him to wash these dishes. Um, but you know, like there, we just we we stay in this mindset of I'm trying to build myself to be the person that someone will want. And you're trying to, you're trying to extract the complicated parts of yourself. And you're a whole person. Yeah. You're a whole, you're a whole human being with experiences, with triggers, with, you know, even through my healing course, like it wasn't like a we didn't get a certificate saying, congratulations, you're healed. We got we got our last lesson was this is a lifelong journey. Yeah, you're always gonna be healed.

SPEAKER_00 56:29

Always gonna be healing. What you mean? I gotta keep practicing these tools to stay healed.

SPEAKER_03 56:36

Man, you know, we get healed and then we be healed. You know, that's why when somebody says, you know, I'm not even on that anymore, I'm healed. I'd be like, Yeah, until you're triggered. Correct. You're you're healed until you're triggered. And then what tools? So the question that you ask people is not, are you healed from your pal your past and your childhood? The question you ask people is, what are the tools and the processes you use when you're triggered by something that may have happened before? How do you navigate spaces where how do you navigate your complicated spaces?

Preparation Or Fear Of Vulnerability

SPEAKER_01 57:13

And I and I think that is the mark of healing is that is being able to answer that question because life is going to hit again. And the question is, what are your processes? What are the tools that you used when life hits? If if if that if you don't have an answer to that, or it's more of an avoidant nature, like I'm going to try to dodge those things, that's not heal. Right. No, yeah. I I I'm now I think I think that's absolutely correct. You know, something you as you were talking, I'm gonna be real, let's see. I'm gonna be very honest. Not that I haven't been, but I'm just be real as a leader. Um, this idea of complication and like being complicated, it's just like I don't know how this is gonna sound. Um, but get ready to uh edit the producer joy. Yeah, I don't know how this is gonna come out. But I think that as a leader, we deal with complicated people all day. Right. And sometimes it it it there's a but as a leader, be well, listen this in some leadership positions, in my particular position, uh I I'm not uh because I'm I'm the person in charge, I I do the letting go. Okay. All right. So I'm not at at risk of being let go, right, in that way.

SPEAKER_03 58:45

Oh okay, wait. I I didn't know that's what you were talking about. Keep going.

SPEAKER_01 58:48

So so I'm I'm I'm I'm hoping to make this and that let me be clear. That's not to say fire complicated people. That's not what I'm saying. But what I'm what I'm saying, what I'm saying is what I'm saying is like in a marriage, I think sometimes we we there might be a fear that if I'm too complicated, they will leave. Whoa, yeah. Girl, yeah. As opposed to in a marriage, in a but as a leader, that's not a fear. Because I ain't leaving. You can leave, but I'm um because of my position. I I'm cool. My complication for you doesn't denote me, I'm not gonna leave. Um I'm I don't know if that is making sense, but you're kind of on the power, you're on the side as a as a leader in some positions, you are on the side, you have a there's a power dynamic there that sometimes can make you feel more more safe, and to make you feel more safe, even though you know you're complicated, versus other people who may not feel as safe because they're also complicated. And so I think that is you know, part of being a a good leader is accepting all of it and leading, uh leading through the complications of yourself, your team, environment, all that stuff. In a marriage, there is no power dynamic. So I'm not on top. And so it's like if he if he or she recognizes how complicated I am, then I may not, one of us may not stay, right? And and so that that that that that that mindset shift from leader in a work setting or career setting to a spouse is you you those are those are two different ways of of being. And and so when when you have been in that power dynamic for a length of time, when you realize like maybe they're gonna feel the same way I feel about some people about me, it can it can scare you because it's like I don't have the leverage I have at work in this house, in this relationship. Does that make sense? Did I come across okay?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:05

That's super good, super good. I also think as you were talking, I was thinking that sometimes as leaders, because we're constantly in a space where we're making decisions, we're focused on everyone else, you know, and you're constantly just, you know, surveying situations and surveying people, depending on who you are, and you're just adjusting them, shifting them, changing them. You're not really complicated in your leadership role, you know, like because it's not about you. That's right. Because you're constantly pouring out and you're constantly attending to everybody and everything else. Well, you like your company, you really become complicated until I mean you you do have complicated feelings and reactions, but you don't always get to express those. Yeah, that's very true. You don't always get to live in your I don't like this, I don't, I'm mad, I'm angry. Nobody, you don't get to, you don't get to be angry. You know, like when I was in a position and I felt like I was being persecuted, all right, because people was, you know, being themselves, right? I didn't get to go to work and be mad because I'm a leader. Yeah. I get to go to work and still serve. I get to go to work and figure out how to navigate all of your complexities while not tending to my own. Yeah. And that's where you need good management. You need you need the managers of the managers. That's right. That's neither here nor there. Y'all know how I feel about middle management. But I I really feel like it for me, it was when I started realizing outside of my leadership roles, that is where I started to really, those you have to find safe places outside of your leadership where you are expressing the complexity of not just who you are as a leader, but who you are when you're not the one making the decisions. Man. And who you are when the responsibility is not in your hands. Man. Man. And you have to have safe places. And I think, you know, if you are a person, um, because I I was this person, and I can really say it's only been probably this past year that I was not this person, where I was really trying to continue to oversimplify myself to make myself palatable. And I when I say be your complex whole self, I'm not, this is not me talking to the keep it 100 people. Because I know y'all, okay. I know y'all listen, you know what I'm saying? Because this is who I am, okay. We are not trying to reinforce, you know, because that's another extreme. That's you're just on the other side of it because that's a mask. Yeah. Yeah. I'm I I'm not I'm not telling people to wear the keep it 100 mask. Yeah. Because that that's a mask that you use as a deterrent to keep people away too, right? But really explore while you're in your single season and you have people around you, you have friends, you have family members, wouldn't suggest co-workers, but I don't know your life. You know what I'm saying? Like, you know, really take opportunities to really be a complex person and not a palatable one. Yeah, that's good. Right. And take the risk of of giving people your truth. You know, of giving people your I didn't really like that. Yeah. I didn't really appreciate that. That kind of made me upset. Um, I'm really sad today because I had a sad thought. You know, I I I really don't I really don't want to go out with you because sometimes I get I feel like my life isn't as good as yours. You know, like really have those. I mean, me, Ruth Davigal and Joy have had those conversations. For sure. You know what I'm saying? And and I think that those moments are the ones that helped me one to realize I was not just one happy note. Yeah, that's right. You can't make you cannot make a song with one note. No, you couldn't one chord.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:31

You know, that's true. Um all all songs are made up of major and minor chords. And they're just chords, you gotta have all, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:39

You gotta have all of them. Allow your allow your life to go up and down the scale. That's right. And allow other people to hear the melody of your life.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:48

Come on, come on, musical analogy. Come on, let's go. Let's go. I love it. That's good. I love that. No, I I think that's exactly right. And I I think again as leaders uh Um we need to give ourselves permission to do that. It's just it's a healthy practice. It'll make you a better leader. Uh honestly, if you if you allow yourself to do that. Um Okay. All right. Hey. Hey. You know, we want we need to make a public apology to producer joy because we told her we'd be done in 45 minutes.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:22

Abigail needs to make a public apology. This is gonna be a tight 45. I was like, we've never done that before.

Practicing Vulnerability In Friendships

SPEAKER_01 1:06:30

That's not true. We have, but it's not often. And this was not that. So I knew this wasn't gonna be that. We apologize, producer joy. But hopefully you guys have made it through. Hopefully you found value in the conversation. Uh, we love you all. We love this topic. I think I I really I'm enjoying this topic. I think I think I hope that it will set people free um to that that that may feel stuck in their mindset around being single and having to live this leadership life. It isn't easy. And uh, and so we we hope that these conversations will help you get free. But listen, if that's not your issue, and if you aren't the one that needs freedom, you know somebody who does. So give it to them. You know what I'm saying? Pass it on. Okay, don't let it keep, don't let it stay on your phone. You get it on somebody else's phone, all right, so that they can listen to it. All right. So um we uh we love you guys and we hope y'all continue to stay tuned uh for the remainder of this series. And until next week, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom. Peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.