Your Leadership Style is Effecting Your Dating Life!

We map real leadership styles onto real relationships, from first dates to family life, and show how to keep strengths from turning into blind spots. We trade hype for honesty, outlining how service, vision, collaboration, and adaptability actually feel day to day.

• democratic and servant styles showing up on dates 
• collaboration that lands decisions not delays them 
• difference between serving in love and people-pleasing 
• transformational vision versus red flags and reality 
• situational agility balanced with the power of routine 
• self-awareness tools to pace access and name needs 
• how upbringing shapes comfort with being served 
• practical examples from marriage and co-parenting

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:04

Hello, everyone, and welcome once again to the Youngworth Podcast. I indeed am your host with Abigail, aka R A.

SPEAKER_04 0:12

What's up, friends? It's your girl, Jaquita.

SPEAKER_01 0:15

This is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you, yes, you can experience more freedom. My Lord. We are very excited to be with you on today, tonight, this evening. This evening? As we um are prone to do these days, is wait until we are a little tired and delirious to record. And we do this for your entertainment. Okay. Yeah. Because it's just more entertaining.

SPEAKER_04 0:42

That's when the juices flow. That's right. That's right. Just when you think you have no nothing left to give.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

Yeah. That second wind kicks in. What kind of juice? What kind of juice is in you? Is it apple juice, orange juice, grape juice? Which one is it? Cranberry? I would say not cranberry.

SPEAKER_02 1:03

No.

SPEAKER_04 1:05

Who wants to be cranberry? You know, cranberry is like what you put into something else. You know, like you like, hey, give me a little pineapple juice with a little cranberry. Give me a little jam. Oh, pineapple juice would be good. Okay, yeah, that's good. Ooh, yeah, I might be. Um, I feel like I I I want I don't want to be stereotypical, but I really feel like great, like the pressing. You know, like the maybe because it's the most biblical one. Like, you know, oh yeah, you know, the pressing, the shaking. Sure, sure. Sure. There you go. That that tracks. There you go. That that felt right. You know, I wanted to be olive so I could be the oil. But nevertheless, nevertheless. Oh boy.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

Um, I think I'm gonna go with apple. Of course you are. Because I like apple juice. It's clean, it's fresh, you know, it's boring, um, what you call what you want. Can you really eat? It's it's it's uh, what's the word I'm looking for? It's um it's everywhere. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's nowhere you can go and not get apple juice. Like you can get apple juice anywhere, really any time of day. You know what I'm saying? Like it's for all basic. Nobody said that. Okay, that wasn't what was said. Uh the point is, I like apple juice. It's crisp, you know, especially in the a cold, crisp glass of apple juice. You can get it at any hotel. You know, anyway, these are the things I don't know why that relates to me, but this is just what it is. As you see, we we like I don't know. I don't also don't know how how we got here and um why we asked a crazy question.

SPEAKER_04 2:44

You know, I've been on a lot of interviews uh as a higher ed professional, and it'd be those type of questions that really just get grind my gears. Sure, sure. If you were a juice, what type of juice would you be?

SPEAKER_03 2:58

You know what I mean? Like, all right.

SPEAKER_01 3:01

Fantastic. Well, right. Well, we did it. You're you're well discussed.

SPEAKER_04 3:06

Speaking of higher ed leadership, okay, today we are talking about leadership styles and how they show up in our relationships. Um, and not necessarily how they're like, you know, pulling us forward, but things that we really need to be mindful of, uh, especially in these single streets, because you have built up as the longer you've been single, the more you've taken opportunity to advance yourself. You know, honestly, like you'd be like, well, what else I'm gonna do? Let me be out here, you know, uh going up the corporate ladder, or you know, learning how learning how to manage people or learning how to manage a process or learning how to create something new. And so in that process, you are building up a persona um that shows up in relationships sometimes that you have to be careful of.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

And specifically, we're talking about dating relationships in case we were we wanted to be, we need to be specific. Yeah, uh, you know, we're talking about the the these dating streets, because yeah, like Queen was saying, and and I also will say it it shows up in marriage too, right? So okay, because you're always talking about how I can't do the single thing. So today I'm just gonna do the marriage thing, okay? Is that because we we sick I yo? Goodness. Oh my god. We sick I yo. Actually, I can relate to the side. I can relate to the singles because I once was single. You know how, you know how like you can't overcorrect oppression. You know what I'm saying? I understand as single people, we have felt oppressed at some point, but then you can't go and oppress married people and over-correct for it. You know what I mean? You're not oppressed. I know, I'm just joking. But I'm just saying, like, and I and I won't kick going with that because in my head I have otherwise. It might be better. It's it is gonna get worse. So we're gonna definitely stop.

SPEAKER_04 4:57

Let me tell y'all something. Ruth Abigail can take a metaphor or a thought and go way off the deep end. All right. We won't we won't go there today. Nope. But one of these days, we'll talk about some of her theories.

SPEAKER_01 5:10

Look here, my look, my theories be on point. You just don't like it. Okay, so we're talking about leadership.

SPEAKER_04 5:17

Um, and Ruth Abigail and I, as you all know, if you've been with the podcast for a little minute, you know we are complete opposites. We are very different people, um, and we situate ourselves differently in leadership. Although I will say, I think leadership, the ways that we lead sometimes, is probably one of the most similar things about us. Yeah. Just in the ways that we think about and and how we how we particularly relate to people.

Democratic And Servant Styles On A Date

SPEAKER_01 5:45

Like I feel like we we peep we relate to people, we actually care about people deeply, and and uh, and and that shows up in our leadership. It may show up differently, but it shows up very clearly. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? I definitely think that we have that in common. That's true. That's actually true. Um so we're at we're going to so if if you if you have been um paying attention to the podcast, I think it was around September, October, we did a liters leadership series where we went through the different um different seven, I think, types of leadership styles. And we just kind of talked through them and um kind of the pros and cons uh of each one. So what we're gonna do is kind of go back to some of those and relate them to what it looks, what it can look like in dating. Because like Queda was saying, for for for those of us who have been single for a while and in our career uh space and and been successful in it and have grown to positions of leadership, that version of you doesn't turn itself off, you know, when when you when you meet a person that you wanna grow with, right? It doesn't turn itself off when you meet them uh at Red Lobster. You know what I'm saying? Like at Red Lobster on the date that you go on, that leadership person is gonna be there. You know what I'm saying? You're gonna show up. Now, it doesn't have to necessarily be it's not a bad thing.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 7:21

It's just likely going to happen. You know what I'm saying? Okay, so this we're gonna do. This we're gonna do.

SPEAKER_04 7:26

I started I started thinking about some of my dates. And she does. It it it it definitely it definitely pops up on you.

SPEAKER_01 7:34

Like, okay, so let's just go with this, right? All right, so I don't know why. Let's just go with this red lobster thing for just a second. Let's just pretend you're on a date at Red Lobster, all right?

SPEAKER_04 7:42

This is about to get dangerous.

SPEAKER_01 7:43

It is, and and so let's just let's just all right, so Queen, your leadership, the leadership styles that you most identify with identify with are the transformational leader for sure and the democratic leader, all right? Yes, all right. Tell me without just like without necessarily going into depth on what they are, just tell me as a democratic leader, how that might show up at Red Lobster on a date. Describe the scenario.

SPEAKER_04 8:15

Okay, a democratic leadership. Okay, so first of all, even just in the date itself, you know, I I'm gonna want him to lead and make decisions about, you know, what we gonna do, where we're gonna go. You know what I'm saying? Plan a date. I believe in the plan a date, right? But it's gonna be very much full of open dialogue and communication. And I, you know, if something comes up during the day, like I'm I'm very much groupthink. You know, I'm like, oh, well, what do you think about this? Well, maybe we can do it like this. Or oh, let's think through this, right? You know, I remember I'm thinking back to one date I went on. We were at the park, and we couldn't like the park was busy, he had like a little picnic basket, it was real cute. Um, but there was no bench, you know. He we was gonna we were gonna sit down at the benches, we had no blankets because we weren't trying to sit on the ground or nothing. Absolutely. So, you know, immediately I'm going into like groupthink mode. Like, how can we like work together to solve this problem? But I could tell that he really wanted to like, he really wanted to have it. Yeah. You know, he really wanted because he had a plan, he wanted to see his plan go into action. So in the middle of me being like, oh, we can do this, we can do that, and throwing out ideas, I had to step back and be like, all right, uh, you leave. Uh where we gonna sit? I'm just, you know, I'm a dainty little damsel, you know. Uh, and so I definitely think uh for democratic, just thinking and always last thing I'll say is always checking for morale. Like an interesting feeling. Hey, you having a great time? Hey, you know, like this is a good, yeah, like, you know, like we get along, don't we? That's hilarious. Like, yeah, I look at you laughing, you know, like I'm I'm checking to make sure vibes are good. Yeah, and if vibes are not good, I'm trying to insert vibes, right? Because I'm very concerned about everyone having a great time and feeling appreciated. Okay, very interesting. Okay, okay, we're throwing a question back. Okay. Throwing a question back, uh servant leadership on a date.

Dominant vs Collaborative Tendencies

SPEAKER_01 10:39

Okay. Um uh very, very much concerned about how the other person is is um what they need, right? So like um hey, do you need me to um you need me to you need me to get you like you need me to get you something? Like I'm gonna go up here. Do you need me to get you something? Or you want me to? I know you're about to go like if you're gonna go to the bathroom. What do you want to drink? You want me to order you something? Like, or you know, something like that. Um I think being uh very um kind of that like him focused, you know what I'm saying? Like and almost almost deflective, like um, not not not concerned about him getting to know me as much as I'm getting to know him. You know what I mean? Because a feeling like I need to make him feel like I'm here for him, right? Um and so I I think I think that is part of uh like how I would show up in that regard. Um I think uh I'm trying to think of like wanting to like definitely upbeat, you know, keeping it, making sure again that he feels good. Like if he's feeling good, I'm feeling good. If he doesn't, I need to figure out a way to fix it. Like, what do I need to do to fix this? Um you know, very encouraging, very much like, you know, and so I think I think those are some of the ways that servant leadership definitely has shown up on on dates. Like, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:20

No, you know, it's interesting. I I definitely you you carry all parts of you into that dating space, as you should, because dating is the space where where we're really gathering information about one another, you know, and so you know, like I don't go into these situations anymore. You know, like when you're in your 20s, you're like, all right, I gotta turn it on. Okay, I gotta turn it on, I gotta show them, you know, I'm the catch. And I gotta cater who I am and what I do. I gotta cater that to whoever this person is. And so you you you put your you put your you put your you put your face on. Yeah, you know, and and you and you go out and you you you play the role. Sure. You know, sure. But I feel like at the space I am now, like I show up. Yeah. Like I show up as my authentic self. But I show up not as an authentic self that is again that person that's like, this is who I am, you know what I'm saying? I I like to take charge, you know, like, you know, a big part of mine, especially as a transformational leader, is like, you know, I'm very much future focused, you know, very much in a mentoring space all the time. My mind is always gonna jump there, you know, like, and so like, but that doesn't that doesn't mean that I I I can't temper that. Right. Right? I show up in that way, but I I now know how to balance me to see if I'm compatible with someone. Sure. And you're not compatible with so you can't become compatible with someone if you're only focused on how you show up and not how you guys can come together.

SPEAKER_01 14:06

Yeah. Um, one of the questions that I think is is important for us to ask is leaders, is in in kind of this finding a partner process, right? Do you find yourself, and Quida, what like I would be curious as to what you do? Do you find yourself more dominant, more delegating, or more collaborating? As a leader, as a leader in in this in this dating space, like how how do you how do you typically show up? Is it more more dominant, more like like delegating or this idea of collaboration? Because I do think what you just said, like it can't just be about what you bring, but how you what you what comes together. But oftentimes, you know, as leaders, we show up, you know, in different in different ways.

Trusting Intuition And Being Understood

SPEAKER_04 14:59

Yeah. Um, if my future husband is watching this, I just want to say, you know, hey, I've worked on me. Okay. I've I've I've I've done the work, okay. So I don't want you to take any of these answers and rule me out, okay, and be like, hey, you know. But uh no, just just serious talk though. Um I I would definitely say in the dating space, I am more collaborative. I but collaborative with still really wanting my voice to be heard. Like I'm gonna put my stuff out there and I want you to put your stuff out there and then let's group think. Yeah, sure. You know, let's let's uh let's figure this out together and let's see, you know, what really works, what really, what really meshes. Um I am not, there's really not a lot of authoritarian in me where I'm you know commanding anything or or trying to push an issue. You're not a dominant dominant nature. No, I'm not that dominant nature. I can, but I can be vocal, but in a way that's like, hey, I want to express my ideas and my thoughts and you know how I see. I want you my greatest desire is to be understood. And so I spend a lot of energy saying, This is what I think, this is how I see it, this is my perspective and my understanding, and this is this is what I see may need to be done, or or what I think the solution is. You know, um, because I can be a little visionary sometimes. And like if you present me with a situation, I'm like, oh boom. I see I see exactly how the big picture of it. Yeah. Um, and I like to express ideas and thoughts. Um, so I would say collaborative. Yeah. Yeah. I would say expressive more than collaborative, but that wasn't an option you gave me, so just okay.

SPEAKER_01 17:06

Yeah, that's fair. Um, so I I would say I'm gonna lean more dominant. I I don't know that I would have always said that so confidently, but I have learned. Um, I have more of that, you know. My husband does caution me nowadays of like sometimes you can be a little pushy. And it's like, really?

unknown 17:25

I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 17:26

I really didn't believe him. When I start looking, I'm like my brother, dang, like I could do be kind of pushy sometimes. Like when when when when I'm looking for an answer, like I'm gonna find it. You know what I'm saying? And um, so you know, in that in that dating, you know, kind of scene, um, it's like, hey, I ask a lot of questions. I wanna know, you know? And I and sometimes like I can I find myself like, well, no, I I wanna know this, so I'm going to I'm going to get it somehow. Like I will ask it 10 different ways to get the answer, right? Um and that like I can I can, yeah, it's it's it's that's usually, but I I believe I am moving towards collaboration. Um, especially I think the other thing about the dominance that I've I've and also let me say this. I think I know that about myself, I've learned that about myself, and so there is a piece of me that that tampers that down intentionally. Uh but then what the the thing that I appreciate about about uh my husband and that he he sees those he sees where I need to be dominant, right? And it's like I don't need to be dominant everywhere, but in the moment in the moments where I genuinely know how to do something, like he he's really good about not allowing me to shy away from doing it or being too collaborative even with him. He's like, you know how to do this, you just go do it. Like, do it. Don't feel like you have to include me deeply. I don't know. Like I'm I'm following your lead on this, right? And to be able to follow each other's lead when it's time to follow each other's lead. So uh that and I I think that is um some of how collaboration shows up in our marriage now. But I've had to I I was afraid of that dominance that that would turn people off. And so I tamper it down, but I'm grateful to be with somebody who is who sees how that can be beneficial at m at times. So I think there there's there's that there's that thing. But it's like collaboration is highly important, and sometimes, you know, just like we did learn with with leadership.

Servant Leadership: Outserving Without People-Pleasing

SPEAKER_04 19:46

I mean, you can be overly collaborative, though. You can, you know, like and and it be your nature, but there are there are areas where you know I I feel like I'm just now learning, like, hey, I I and you will know the funny place that I recognize it with is there are times where I I know I need to speak up, but because it's somebody else's business, I don't. Sorry, I'm trying to think of the way the word this because it's it's not really an example that I can use. But I'm a very intuitive person, right? And sometimes if there's a person in the room and they're struggling and no one else may realize that they are, I I can see it. And I don't always articulate that I can see it. Um, but I should sometimes. Um, because other people might not mistreat, but mishandle. Okay. And I think the difference is mistreat is intentional, mishandle sometimes is not. Yeah, sure. That's all um, but but if I and that's what I'm saying, like I need I need to be in situations where I can voice what I'm what I'm seeing and be trusted because I don't I don't always have that.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

Yeah, and that's man, look, and to the person out there for Quita, as as as as her best friend, listen, it might bother you when she says things and can't back it up. And I just want to encourage you to allow yourself to accept it because nine times out of ten, she'd be right. And I'm saying this, I'm only saying this because I'm on you know camera and on a microphone, and you deserve it. The truth is the truth. The truth deserves to be said in public, but I mean I'm not gonna say this in in private anymore. Um but uh but you know, it's like it can be very frustrating sometimes for those of us who need more concrete information and and she's like, hey, this is this is what this is what it is. Well, how do you know? And it's like And then there'll be an answer, but it won't answer my question. It's like, okay, that's really annoying. However, she's right. And I think I just anyway, I just want to say, well, I'm sorry, no, go ahead and say what you want to do. You just want, I just want to say just work your way through it, trust it, okay. You don't have to understand it, because there's something deep inside of Quita that knows and just go with it. All right. It's called the Holy Ghost. That's all I'm saying. All right. It's called the Holy Ghost. Okay. All right.

SPEAKER_04 22:36

Okay, listen. But here's the thing. Here's the thing. And I know we we haven't even really touched these leadership styles too deeply yet. But I think I think it's important to also just think about all of the facets of who you are and how they show up in spaces. Yeah, you got to give them some of that. Um, but I it took me so long to trust myself. You know, like it it took me, it took me being friends with Ruth Abigail and her asking me 50 million times how I know something or how I can prove something, absolutely or where my empirical evidence was for something. And I'm like, I I don't have it. And then you in those moments, you're literally like, am I crazy? Like I know this, I can't prove this. Yeah, I'm not gonna stop believing it because I I know what I know, right? Like, that's part of having the gift of knowledge. Like, I feel very confident in what I know because it's in me to know it. Uh-huh. And um, it's a gift, you know, like it's not I'm not over here manufacturing, you know, facts. Right, right, right, right, right, right. You know, like I'm not over here manufacturing reality. I just, I just need to have a knowing sometimes. Just know. And um the the amount of work and the amount of effort and the amount of time it took for me to to be confident in that and to trust myself. Like at this point, I can't go back. Yeah. You know, but I will say uh you can thank Ruth Abigail for giving me more uh aptitude of being able to explain things. I had to I had to find language for it. Um, and sometimes she's still not satisfied, but I think we're both at a place of being settled in that. Absolutely. Absolutely. You know, she's not satisfied, but she knows that by and by, yeah, she'll understand it.

Single Upbringings, Support, And Being Served

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Well, maybe. And maybe not, but I'm okay with that. You know what I'm saying? Um I feel like I got a 90% track record. Sure, we'll call it that. But I think I think uh, but I think anyway, I think I think that's I think it's it's crucial to understand, like to say, understand yourself, understand because you if you don't understand yourself, you can understand how you would fit with somebody else. Um and and so as leaders, we're kind of a lot of times in self-assessment mode, so you can really use it to your advantage when you enter into these relationships. Okay, so the um I I think that the servant leader is one of the leadership styles that I identify with the most. Um and in and I I'm gonna I'm gonna talk from because Queida's, you know, like we said earlier, she's always getting on me for this, you know, talking like I'm the used to be single, which for the record I I did and I still can, but I'm not going to today. Um I'm gonna lean into the ma you know, me as me being married. But and how that how that shows up, how I see it show up in marriage and like the pros and cons around it. So um this one I think is really it's relatable. Servant leadership is glorified a lot of times um in leadership, right? It's like everybody people have written books about it for a couple of decades. Um, you know, just just very much servant leader, servant leader, servant leader. Which, and I think it is it is good. So just so we are reoriented with what that kind of entails is uh some of the things that yes, um prioritizes team needs over your own, fosters growth, it builds trust, fosters support, um, and empowers teams, right? That that's what servant leadership uh does. So, what does that look like in marriage? One of the things that I was told um or I've I've heard and then have been told directly is one of the best ways, like the idea of 50-50 is unrealistic in a marriage, right? And it's not something you should strive for because uh nothing is ever going to be equal. Uh you should strive for a hundred-a hundred because at some point somebody's cup is going to be less than yours, and you need to be willing to pour everything you have um all the time so that both of your cups are filled. And so the way that the the way that I have heard a a good way to measure doing that is trying to outserve the other person. So the other day I'm doing dishes. Uh Ty likes Ty knows, you know, he he um I might get home. I get home from I get home later than he does uh most of the days. And so he's very kind and knowing like I'm could be I'm tired, I've been out more. So he will often do the dishes, but we have a deal, right? When he cooks, the other person when when uh when he cooks, I do the dishes. When I cook, he does the dishes. The other night he cooked. I did get home later. I was tired. I think we had we had recorded, so it was just a long day. And after I ate, I went and I did the dishes. And he yelled and he was like, I got it. I said, Okay, I know, but I kept doing the dishes. And he yelled again, hey, I got it. And I said, I know, and I kept doing the dishes. And in my head, I genuinely I genuinely was in my head, it was an outserve him. I could have not done it, and it would have been no problem because he did have it and he would have got it done. But in my head, I said outserve him because I can, because I know that he will do it. Um, and this is an opportunity that I can I can serve him by doing something that I know he's tired too, and I'm up here and I'm gonna do it, right? So it's an opportunity to serve him, and those little moments happen all the time, and so I think that is a principle as is a kind of servant leadership that I've learned that is really helpful in a marriage, like to outserve the other person. Um, and yeah, I feel like I've been talking for too long without any kind of interjection.

SPEAKER_04 28:50

So I'm gonna stop. No, it's all good. It's all good. Um, you know, I do think this idea of outserving, you know, your partner, like, you know, I think that that I think that there are like moments where like those type of motifs kind of gain traction, you know, kind of like the you know the something that's still being debated, you know, should you fix your man's plate? You know, and I be seeing wives who only do it when other people are around, you know. We see y'all. Y'all don't do that on a regular. That's okay. Y'all just wait till you get to the barbecue, that's right. And now you out here fixing plates. But that man don't get served on the regular. Um, no shame, no shame, no shame. Do what works for your household, you know what I'm saying? Um, but I also think that there, you know, as a single person, it's hard for me to really conceptualize like serving in like in a house. Interesting. Because, you know, like I feel like it's something I think about all the time. Like I'm like, you know, one day somebody's gonna come and he's gonna serve me and I'm gonna serve him, you know. Like it's gonna be amazing, but I have no idea the energy that that takes.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

It's interesting. Like, I don't think that it's it's that's ever been something that I've had a hard time visualizing. Like, I feel like that that it's one of those things that's just yeah. But go ahead. You grew up in a two-parent household. Ah, there it is. Okay. All right, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's that's a fair point. Yeah, that's a fair point.

SPEAKER_04 30:30

Yeah, you don't have to visualize it. Yep, that's a great point. Yeah, and I think I I think that's something else that, you know, I think this conversation is really about what we as single people are just as individuals, what we're bringing into the dating world. Right. And I'm that's part of my context, right? Grew up single mother, watched her do everything, you know, watched her show up for everything, bear through everything. And so in my mind, when I think about a relationship, even when I think about, even when I think about being single, like I'm like, gotta do everything, gotta cover everything, you know, and then like taking that mindset into a relationship. Like, I gotta do everything, you know, I gotta, you know, I gotta hustle, I gotta grind, you know. And even though on the inside I'm saying, I want the soft life. You you know, will I really allow myself to relax into another person providing and covering and protecting and keeping, you know, like and I think that those are some things to think about too.

Transformational Leadership: Potential vs Reality

SPEAKER_01 31:45

No, I think I think they are, and I think that again again, mirroring this idea of leadership in in the workplace and leadership in in other spaces, right? Uh in your life, you're you're I mean, you we talk about all the time, you ask those same questions. Like it's hard for it's like you feel and it's it's very much a a weight of responsibility that you carry. Um and when it's your thing that you need to do, it's like this is my thing to do. And the idea of sharing that burden can be hard. Asking for help can be hard. Um, when you feel like this is something I need to do and I need to have the strength to do it, otherwise I'm not doing my job. Um, and I think, you know, uh like you say, carrying that into the into the dating world is there. I I with servant leadership, uh one of the things that I think is so important to be careful about um is uh the idea of making sure that you're not serving out of insecurity because you are there's a fear of rejection and potentially abandonment. And so you turn that into people pleasing and not service. Like and and so you just end up trying to make sure that the person is always happy with you so that they don't go anywhere. Um and that and that could mask itself as servant leadership, but it's not right. That's people pleasing. Um and I think you have to be very careful about that, that your motive isn't like I hope that they don't go anywhere. I think the the other thing that is uh dangerous um about the mentality can be dangerous or a downfall um is uh feeling like you are the only one that should be serving, right? And not putting yourself in a position to be served. Okay. Because when you are partnered with somebody, especially if there is this shared value of service in some way, you are robbing them of the opportunity to love you through service if you if your mantle is about being the servant leader.

SPEAKER_02 34:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 34:03

You know what I mean? And you've got to put yourself in a position to be served, which can be very uncomfortable, especially if that's your style of leadership that you're living day to day all day. And you come, I mean, I'd like to believe that I come home well, I'd like to believe when I come home. Like, let me say this I've gotten to this point. Like I am not here today. But when I first when we first got married, it was very hard for me to come home and relax and let him serve me. Because it number one, my context was just that was just completely not what I grew up with. I grew up with the opposite. So it was already weird. And then I I just felt like I wasn't being a good wife by by letting him do things that I felt like I should be doing for myself or for him. And and so a lot of times it would rob him of the opportunity to do something that for me, because he is servant-minded. He's more of a servant leader than I am. And so that's a gift of his, a service. Like he he is a incredible servant, like it's just insane. So for him, he it's something that fuels him to do, and it's wrong of me to take that away because I might be feeling insecure in my in this moment, feeling like I can't be who I'm supposed to be. Right? Like, or I can't be who not even who I'm supposed to be, I can't be who I'm used to being. Um whoa, you know, what a different differentiation. Yeah, like it's it's yeah. So uh, you know, I gotta take that. Who I'm used to being, being, you know? And that and I I gotta learn how to take that off when I get home. Um and and allow him to do what he does. So I would say that the servant leadership, like it's very clear, like for me, and it you have to you you've gotta there are other a clear upside and clear downsides to that.

SPEAKER_04 36:05

Yeah. I, you know, so my my bag, okay, is transformational leadership. Right, you know, you ask me what type of leader I am, it's gonna be transformational all day. I got a little democratic in there, you know. I throw that out every once in a while, but at the core, all right, we transforming lives over here. Um and I think uh one of the one of so to give kind of backstory, um, what'd you say we're gonna reorient, we're gonna reorient you into what transformational leadership is, yeah. Um it is really future focused, focused on inspiration, um, influence, uh, innovation, and really thinking through intellectual stimulation, right? So it's coaching, it's mentoring, it's uh vision building, it's uh really the core of transformational leadership is that I, as the leader, stand as a role model and am willing to do whatever it takes for you to become who you're supposed to be by me continuing to become. So through the process of becoming, I help other people to become. Um and I think in a leadership space, it works really, really well, especially when you are kind of in that mentoring, coaching space where you are really invested in uh strengthening people to go to the next leg of their journey. Um, and you're always thinking about where you're carrying people, um, and you're not always in the moment. And that's where dating can get a little rocky. Because for me, I'm always thinking about the potential of a thing. And for me, the potential is always good. Yeah, anything.

SPEAKER_01 38:12

Um that's just that's water.

SPEAKER_04 38:14

That's water. That was a real cough. I thought, okay, okay, okay. But for me, the potential is always this can work. You know, if we both just really put our all into it, this could be it. Yeah, you know, he's might be a little rough around the edges, but I'm willing to work with it because transformational. All right. My I my ideology has to be that anybody can transform and that anything can work, right? It it's it's a it's a leadership style that's full of possibility, right? And even if it looks like it's not gonna work, I have a I have uh uh a uh uh um confidence that I can get it there. Okay. Give me just a little bit of time, all right. Let me pump you up, let me inspire you, all right. Let me let me let me show you how good it can be. Let me give you a vision of how amazing this future can be, and then everybody's gonna fall in line with this ideal vision that I've created for the relationship.

SPEAKER_02 39:27

There you go.

SPEAKER_04 39:28

And I can get, I can float away on my ideologies of my idealistic vision of what the future can be. And then when the realities come in, it is crushing. It is crushing. It is almost like I didn't see it coming.

SPEAKER_02 39:50

Yeah, it's like, yeah, what you mean? Yeah, it's not gonna work, man.

SPEAKER_01 40:04

Let me work this all out.

Situational Leadership: Adaptability And Routine

SPEAKER_04 40:06

Right, it's already it's already done. All right. I've given you, I've given you the plan. Why would it not work? All right. I am here to transform what looked like a little into a lot. Why would it not work? Right? And so it is it is it is a it's a leadership style of highs and lows, you know? It's a leadership style of excitement and disappointment. Man, okay, and all of those are are finding the middle ground for me has been the challenge in dating. You know, not the, you know, because I get easily excited, not because things are always exciting, because Ruth Abigail will tell you without telling my business, but Ruth Abigail would tell you that like there have been there have been 10 million times where Ruth was like, is that something to be really be excited about? And I'm like, you just don't see the potential. You don't see what all it can be, you know? And um, and then I and then I insert too much of myself because again, transformational leadership is through my becoming, we all can become. Right. And so I'm inserting myself, I'm fully invested. And in my mind, I'm like, I'm I'm learning, I'm growing, you know, I'm investing, you know, my journey into this. It's it's gonna it's gonna move, it's gonna, it's gonna go somewhere. And it prevents you from seeing red flags. Yeah, it prevents you from seeing reality, okay? It prevents you from uh really being able to take a real look at what's really in front of you because you're so focused on the future.

SPEAKER_01 41:59

Man, that's really good. And that makes a lot of sense, you know.

SPEAKER_04 42:05

You know, it wasn't until just this moment as I was explaining it that I was like, because in my mind, you know, I think what what we've always kind of battled with, especially in my conversations with Ruth Abigail, I just be feeling stupid. I'd be like, you know, I don't know. I don't know what's stupid, stupid is strong, but you know, yeah, yeah, it's strong. Uh, you know, I I be feeling, you know, I'm just feeling you know silly.

SPEAKER_01 42:33

I feel silly. We'll say that.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

I'm like, I'm like, okay, why am I so excited and you know, persistent and you know, idealistic? Um, and I think, you know, as a middle adult, by this time, you should be able to know kind of the good and bad of your strengths. You know, in the workplace, in most settings, transformational leadership is such a great strength. I get, you know, I get noticed for it. I I tell people I'm a great middle manager because of my leadership style. It's the perfect middle manager leadership style. Yes. You know, I'm gonna take the people that I'm supervising, I'm gonna make them amazing, I'm gonna pour everything I have into supporting them to becoming even more than what the company could expect. Right? And I'm gonna do this by creating a team and a vision that's innovative and exciting and energizing, all of these great things. It's perfect for middle management. And I believe it's gonna be great in marriage. Agreed. But the dating world, this this in the middle, this in the middle thing where where we have to be more focused on reality, you know, where it we're getting to know one another and and building foundation I'd be like get with the get with the program people get with the program and so I've had to learn and it's it's been some really just amazing valuable lessons for me in in in the you know situations situationships okay you know it ain't what it is yep yep but it's it's been some really great lessons in learning how to balance my perspective and to and to turn off my leadership brain where I'm trying to mold a situation to what I think it should be right and to allow stuff to be what it really is. Yeah that's good and then examine it not try to make it into something but to examine what it already is.

Democratic Leadership At Home: Family Meetings And Decisions

SPEAKER_01 44:56

That's really I think that's so important. That word examine is very important especially in that dating phase because you do there is a especially if there's a deep desire to get to the future it's hard to stop and reflect and like look at like don't not just like you said create a narrative but look at what the actual narrative is. I think that's so I think that's so crucial. Um the other one that I I uh I think I resemble is situational leadership. I'm a very adaptive person. I can find myself in many different situations and environments and figure it out. I am very flexible uh and uh no know again know how to perform well in a lot of different instances. I know how to figure figure that out I'm pretty good at uh assessing you know what's really happening looking at the environment okay what's really going on here and then okay how do how do we na how we how do we navigate a lot of that I think is having a what work with young people where things change constantly most most days it it doesn't come with what you expect. Today we had uh some girls come in like four new girls come in today that we didn't know were coming uh so and then we had two other girls that came that we didn't know were coming where they had beef and we knew they had beef and so it's like when they got here it's like all right what we gonna do how we gonna handle it right and we just had to we have to be prepared like and they were all in the same class they were all taking the same thing. And so it's like okay they're gonna be in this room together how we gonna manage this and everything was fine but we did have to it's like all right how how do we just you know how do we do this? We got to maneuver it right this isn't gonna go like we thought and so that that's a that's a daily thing. So this idea of situational leadership is it comes it's it's I think servant leadership probably more natural and situational leadership has been developed um because of where I've been working and so um in in in marriage there aren't many things that throw me off right I mean for a for example and many of you know this some of you don't but uh you know I have a we have a son and uh him being the best son he is amazing he he is absolutely incredible he is absolutely incredible um there are but there are elements right to that that were that were unplanned like you know um and and so we had to adapt uh pretty quickly to him being with us full time so all right cool it wasn't anything like I didn't think about it it was like well this is happening let's go let's do it it wasn't no problem right and you you do what you have to do uh and and so that's something that happened you know in our in our marriage that we had to adapt to I didn't I didn't feel any way about it um and I didn't feel stressed I was ready for it um you know all all those all those things right I think that's I'm trying to think of another example but that's probably the biggest example in our marriage that um where situational leadership those qualities came um came alive and for a lot of people that it would have they would have freaked out around it and I didn't I embraced it like it just wasn't something that was concerning to me. Uh so that's a good thing. I think so just being able to just maneuver with the environment maneuver with the situation. Like it's hey we're gonna we hey we need to go and go to go to you know Swainsboro in Georgia which is his hometown. Something happened we need to go or there was a storm that uh that blew through Georgia and tore up Swainsboro not too long ago maybe about a year ago and he had to go down there last minute and help. Well that left me here solo parenting last minute let's go right I I it doesn't bother me. I can figure out a plan pretty quickly and execute it. Those are those are healthy things I think that my situational leadership has helped me to do um in in this marriage. I will say that the downfall sometimes can um sometimes you can get addicted to change in a in a way that isn't always healthy or so expected that you don't so expect it of change that it's hard to settle. And so it's like okay um I I believe like this is something's always going to shift and change. So I'm not I'm not entirely um I what am I trying to say like I'm not always settled. It's sometimes it's like okay I'm I'm just I'm ready for the next like what's the next thing we have to do and um and so I think you what you what you don't want uh to do is put yourself in an unstable mindset right so like sometimes when you have to shift and change too much and when you're looking for doing that when you're looking to have to problem solve you're looking to have to you know adapt uh a little too much then it could be an indicator of something that's you know unstable or some instability in your relationship because that's the reality is that's not most of the time yeah most of your relationship most of our relationship is routine right and that is not a bad thing. Routine foster being routine fosters teamwork it fosters rhythm um and you don't and even in dating routine isn't bad right you don't you everything don't have to be exciting all the time when you're dating because in marriage everything's not exciting all the time 80% of it is boring and it or it feels boring. It feels like nothing's really happening right and so there aren't as many situations that you have to adapt to it's like when you you know you do your budget together the budget don't change too much from month to month most of the time like it's not it's not this like oh we gotta all we gotta redo it or we have to have a three hour conversation to figure out what's what we're gonna do. No you don't it's just we're done we're done life is going to be pretty much the same um and so I think that those are important things and just like reps are important. It's not you don't you know this idea of when you are and and quid you appreciate this you you're in the gym more than I am and um but like it's not just about the weight it's about the reps but a lot of times it's more about the reps than the weight and we focus more on the a lot of times you can focus on the weight so much like what's coming next what is the next thing what is the thing I have to prepare for what is the thing that I have to make sure I'm strong enough for when really it's how can look what does my consistency look like and that's really what's building your muscle. And in marriage I think reps are more important than weight.

SPEAKER_04 52:00

Uh it's so interesting that you say this because I literally today because I've just been thinking about my life just in general it's so it's so many things going on. You know like I'm I'm grateful to the Lord for the energy and for his sustaining me in order to get all the things done because literally like today I moved from one thing to the next to the next to the next to the next and every time I moved it was something very different going on. Like you know it's it's it's been bananas but I I had the thought today that I was like man I really have to become a person of routine like you know like because without routine and structure this all falls apart. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's real you know like without like without some understanding that like like even today like coming to do the podcast like I got out of class I was supposed to stop by the pharmacy on the way home didn't do that because the pharmacy was closed and then I was like well I gotta eat so got food I sat in the car for a few minutes and I was like I'm going to eat my food because I need to make time to do this. Then I got in the house and then I realized that like I needed to change for the podcast because it's different attire for different things. And then I then I came upstairs and then you know got on and it's just as you're moving from day to day to day like dating and marriage and family are not going to decrease your load. Correct it's going to increase it. Correct and a lot of times in my 20s you know it was okay wait for my husband to come because he's gonna cut the grass he's gonna take the trash out you know what I'm saying I ain't got to do all this by myself but it's gonna come with a trade-off like maybe you don't have to take the trash out anymore which is something I really hate doing. I don't know why I hate taking that trash out so much but it's just like why is there still trash? Yeah like why is there always trash like and a lot of it's like I live by myself why is this anyway that's that's personal personal vendetta but you know like like it's going to add more to think about more to consider more to navigate more to orchestrate you know and I I think you know just for my single folks out there you know especially if you're like me and you are you have a rhythm but your rhythm feels like like it is it it like you feel like you under the rhythm like you don't feel like you march into the beat you feel like you are like somewhere trying to run to catch up to it. You know like really sit down and think about the rhythms of your day and prepare yourself before you get to the day instead of encountering the day and letting the day kind of take you take you pull pull you along right you know like you want to feel like you are riding on the rhythm of of your day. That's good. Because I think what Ruth Abigail said even in just thinking about like marriage, you know, like in our minds when you've been single for a while you just start thinking about all of the big booms of marriage. Yeah yeah yeah like boom you know my whole life gonna change it's gonna be so much better it's gonna be great you know or and it might are you think man that might be challenging or that might be challenging. Right.

Key Takeaways And Community Invite

SPEAKER_01 55:47

We don't think about the everyday man no it's crazy because the everyday is what that's what you're going in you're you most of the things you're doing by yourself in marriage you're just gonna be doing them with somebody next to you. Like it's not it's just not that it's just not that that glamorous like it's just not that glamorous.

SPEAKER_04 56:08

And yeah I think I think that's like don't don't anticipate these extremes thoughts when you get another person like you need to anticipate routine and do you think sorry I didn't mean to cut you off go ahead do you think that that thought is it like the idea of the routine and the way that you're describing it the way you're thinking through it do you think some of that is attributed to your personality because you're naturally a more routine person than me. Like would you say that it might be a different experience for me or is this something that is just natural to marriage?

SPEAKER_01 56:46

That's I I think a little bit of both. I think it just is natural to marriage I think because day-to-day life is just day-to-day life like most of it is not gonna be too different than what you experiencing right now. You're just gonna be a little bit more activity like around you but your life is going to be I I'll say though that the the person that you end up with like the partner is going to add his or her element. So you know my husband is not as routine right he is more much more spontaneous than me. And so he is a take the day as it comes naturally he's more like you um in that and so I bring routine but also I would say that my life is also more colored with spontaneity um and I find myself doing more things that I did when I was single that are outside of my routine. But that's not because of me that's because of him. And and so but that and so but but I you know but routine is still very much a part of it. And I I also add to his life routine like because we have to a child also demands routine there there is that is also an element in which you you don't have a choice because their life is routine and you've got to adapt to their life you know school is at this it ends at this time uh it starts at this time ends at this time tutoring is this time after school activities is at this time your your life is on a watch with your child so that that is that is that becomes a part of your routine so like you know that is another added element. So routine I think is just a part of it and then the personality part it depends on the partners who they are add those flares.

SPEAKER_04 58:35

That makes sense. Yeah um all right you take us home with with with democratic okay I'm gonna be quick all right democratic is about shared decision making all right it's about collaboration it's about corralling the group together and while there may be a leader who makes that final decision really it's gonna be kind of like a a a conglomerate of what everyone has contributed to the group so it's group problem solving it's you know building team morale it's open communication like you know you really I think one of the hallmarks of democratic leadership is you really want to hear everyone's contributions and you as a leader want everyone's contributions to matter and so you want them to be able to see their thought their ideas their uh their uh kind of vision of what something can be you want them to see it included in the final decision making process um and I and and and for a lot of reasons this is great you know because you know you really make people and and you as a person within the process you everyone you feel like you're inclusive collaborative you feel like everyone has great morale because it's like I contributed and I'm a part of this um but it makes decision making a very long process. It is not just a hey this the right thing to do we're gonna do it it is hey what do you think? I don't know I don't know how I feel about it. You know what do you well what if this happens? Okay well you know you did X, Y, and Z yesterday, so maybe we need to include that too you know you know what about what about the the teacher? We need to talk to the teacher to see how they feel about it you know and make sure everybody's voice is heard as we're making the decision. And by the time you done talked it out you know laid it all out on the table the decision could have passed you back. Yeah you know the decision may not hold the same relevancy that it once did um because you're thinking you're always thinking through something but not quite it it takes you a little longer to land on a group consensus. Also feel like dealing with conflict becomes kind of a a pain spot here because you don't like dealing with conflict. You like group member you like group morale you like a heightened sense of engagement and everyone feeling welcomed and everyone feeling you know appreciated at the table. And when conflict arises you have to manage that. Yeah um and I think in dating conflict will come disagreement will come you know people may indicate to you that they don't like the way you do something and that for a democratic leader is hard to deal with what do you mean you don't like the way I do it I include everybody. Everyone gets a say we all collaborate we all work together right and so I think uh conflict in relationships especially disagreement becomes hard um and I have seen that I'm not a debater no no you're not not at all that's not something you enjoy doing it's not it's unfortunate because it's much fun if you let it be no Ruth Abigail loves it. I'm not one of my least favorite statements is I just want to play devil's advocate why why I'm out of agreement with the devil right now okay don't don't even play with it uh don't even play with it uh okay no we're not doing that I don't want to do that okay I did let's just I feel as though you're gonna be with somebody who likes to argue a little bit I just feel like that's gonna happen who wants to push your mind you know I'm saying like wants to pull you into something a a very in-depth conversation that's gonna challenge you that's gonna happen you know what else I think you're gonna have that as you were talking I think you're gonna be one of those people that'll call a family meeting oh absolutely absolutely we're having family meetings what just happened you said what family meeting right now okay everybody sit on the couches you know we want to talk to you about something okay we've noticed some discord in the house we notice people have been breaking the rules okay I want to let you know how we feel about it then tell me how you feel about it and then I'm gonna tell you what the final decision is gonna be there you go I want you to feel like your voice was heard but you have a talking stick here's the final say whoever has a stick can talk.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:56

You know how they're doing the sit talking we're not doing that I can't do it.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:01

Now family meetings oh yeah you're gonna do the family meetings I'm gonna be having family meetings before the kids I think you and I need to sit around the table that's how I always imagine things happening like hey let's let's sit at the table you know hold hands and talk I really hope that before this episode airs that uh a man has found me and and and likes me before he watches this episode because if he's evaluating me baby he's like that's hilarious I really really hope but you know absolutely a family meeting absolutely that that's the that's the democratic way as that's what I'm saying as soon as you were talking I said she's gonna have family meetings on a regular on a regular on the regular yep and family game night for sure it's Friday you can't go out with your friends yeah we're playing Monopoly boy sit down yeah your teenagers are gonna love that um yeah yeah yeah they may be all right they'll be fine they'll appreciate it yeah they will you know it's also kind of like uh you know like trying to build the memories that you wanted and so you're like I I did not grow up eating dinner at the table together you know like and so now that is something that is like stuck in my mind like dinner time yeah at the table uh you know my mama was working yeah you know me and my sister was you know getting it how we live you know but my family my kids all right we sitting around this table somebody say grace hold your hold your brother's hand we'll hold the hands daddy gonna say Grace then we're gonna eat okay this is gonna be so put your phones in the baskets I love it put your phones in the baskets I'm ready when when you know and this is gonna be great because situational leadership at some point is gonna

SPEAKER_01 1:06:00

Enter into your world where um one kid is sick, another kid has to go somewhere, there's traffic, and they're not back in time, and it's dinner time. You need to eat because when they get back, they're gonna have to shower and go to the you know bathroom and get ready for the day, get ready for the morning, and there's no time to sit and eat dinner. So what are we gonna do? All right. I'm just saying, like it's just it these things will happen, you know? Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_04 1:06:27

Oh, look at your clean up. I understand that sometimes we won't be able to do it. Uh-huh. Okay, but I want them, you know, and I want them setting a table, old school. You know, my children gonna know how to eat at a fancy restaurant. You do, they're not gonna be like, excuse me, which one's the salad fork? They're gonna be telling little Susie, hey baby, you used the wrong fort. You're supposed to start on the outside. Hilarious, you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:58

Oh man. Um, okay, well, we're we're done, guys. I hope you've enjoyed this um, you know, this conversation. Uh, this was fun. Um, and but uh understand that your leadership shows up wherever you are and um uh unlearn that it doesn't because it will, and it's important to understand and know who you are as a leader and kind of assess yourself there and see where that lands in your relationships and how you need to modify it, because you might have to modify some things in order to have a healthy relationship, right? Um, so yeah, so uh if you have made it this far, congratulations. Um and we are we didn't do this at the top because we normally we we do it like every other episode, we forget, but uh we're gonna like, share, subscribe. We want you to share this with other people. We want you to be a part of this community. Uh we want to unlearn with you, we want to get free with you. So come on. What's the uh gulla gullah island has come into my mind. Gullagullah Island. Isn't that in that the beginning? Gullagullah Island. Come and let's play together. That's it. That's son. I don't know why.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:15

Let's all go to Gullah Gullah. Because you're from South Carolina, okay? We don't play by Gulla Gullah Island.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:20

Look, look, I just uh fun fact she's not gonna like me for it, but producer Joy is on an episode of Gulla Gullah Island, and it's the cutest thing ever.

SPEAKER_04 1:08:35

Okay, she's a star.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:38

Oh, so good. Oh, I love how we ended it there. Thank you, Jaquita, for that. Um, all right, guys. Listen, we love y'all. We'll see y'all next week. Let's keep unlearned together so we can experience more freedom. Peace. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.