How to stop your public life from impacting your private love

We talk candidly about leading while single, dating without performance, and building relationships that honor the private self as much as the public role. We share how marriage reshaped leadership boundaries, why fans make poor partners, and how faith and community hold us together.

• single in leadership and the public vs private self
• moving from performance to purpose in dating
• authenticity over packaging when seeking a partner
• choosing someone who fits at home first
• trusting partners with the messy and unpolished parts
• avoiding relationships built on admiration of the persona
• alone vs lonely and building true community
• faith as an anchor against romantic idolatry
• healthy boundaries that protect home and work
• putting the whole self into the life blueprint

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Transcript

Late-Night Banter And Setup

SPEAKER_01 0:03

What's up, everybody, and welcome once again to the Unlearnt Podcast. I am your host with Abigail, a K-A-R-A. What's up, friends?

SPEAKER_00 0:11

It's your girl, Jaquita.

SPEAKER_01 0:13

And this is indeed the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom. And I sound like I might be on a late night radio DJ. And I don't know why I'm sounding like this right now.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

That is hilarious. I was because I was sitting here wondering, like, when did Ruth Abigail get this little voice? Um, but it was kind of cute. And so I liked it.

SPEAKER_01 0:36

And thank you. I went with it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. But uh yeah, we're done. Um, what's up, folks? What's up? What's up, Queen? How you doing? How you doing? How you doing? And now she wants to prove that she's down with the people.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Hey, what's up, man? How y'all doing? What's good with you? What's hood with you? What's hood with you, my G? What's hood, what's hood with you?

SPEAKER_03 0:50

What's hood with you? Yeah, that's it.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

Somebody, uh, we were in a meeting today, and they were like, um, yeah, you know, because I was gonna invite the OG office. And I was like, we got OGs. Oh they were like, no, that's the they were saying O G E, and it was the Office of Global Engagement. And I was like, not the same. Hilarious. Oh, not as you can see by the yard. We out here again recording late in the midnight. Why we keep doing it, and we're old. We are we are old. I don't know why we think as middle adults we can be doing stuff at night. Here, here, here we keep going with the tomfoolery.

SPEAKER_01 1:29

Yeah, I don't, I don't know. Not too long ago, um, I went to bed at a at a horror in a completely unreasonable hour. It was it was not it was not a reasonable time for somebody my age to go to bed. And um woke up the next morning and could not, I mean, had no function. I I just could not, I couldn't do it. I had a really busy day. I had to come home, take a 35-minute nap in order to get through the rest of my day. And why tell you that 35-minute nap was everything. Like let me tell you something.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

Sometimes that's what you need, 35 minutes. Let me tell you something. The shut your door and take a nap technique top just here just so once you hit, and I think that's actually before middle adult years, I think around about 33, you start needing that midday nap.

SPEAKER_01 2:19

Because my I you know it happened later for me. I didn't I didn't really need it until about last year, and so I was like, man, this is this is rough. Like, I'm feeling all every bit of what the age that is on my you know, license tells me I am, which is about to change soon.

SPEAKER_00 2:38

And it's funny because I feel like we just sang you happy birthday. Like that literally feels like it just happened. It did just happen, technically.

SPEAKER_01 2:50

Oh, whoa, that's crazy. It is about it is coming back up, isn't it? Yeah, go. That's wild, that's wild. Yeah, that's a little crazy. Um, anywho, y'all don't care about that.

Single And Leading: Public vs Private

SPEAKER_00 3:00

So our friends, we are talking about uh we're talking about uh single and dating, single and married, and the transitions that happen as you learn how to navigate the space of relationship, especially when as a middle adult, you may have been single a little longer than most. And and in a and in a leadership position, and in a leadership position. Produce of joy is disappointed in us. Do you hear me? She is disappointed, she's already thinking these people are gonna have me editing all day. Yeah, because their tomfoolery.

SPEAKER_01 3:39

It's late. We're we're we're gonna get it together, guys. I promise. It's just late. Um, so yeah, single in leadership is what we're talking about. Being single in leadership. And we are gonna talk today a little bit about I think what you know, as a leader, you have oftentimes two different experiences. People experience you two different ways, yeah, out in the public square and in the private sector, right? Private, private life and public life. And um when you're talking about uh kind of what partnership looks like, this is a very important way. This is something very important to consider, right? Like, because the the weight of percept public perception is something that leaders carry. And so when you begin to look or desire look for a a somebody to spend your life with, that isn't something that goes away. Um, especially if you are committed to living into your leadership reality, and like that doesn't just cut itself off because you get married. Like, so how do you deal with it? Like, what is and like how do you look for a partnership that can handle that, that can support that, and what does that look like? And what exactly needs supporting? And I think so. We we're gonna try to answer some of those questions today um in this uh very brief conversation for a very heavy topic, I think.

From Performance To Purpose In Dating

SPEAKER_00 5:13

Like listen, we'll give it the weight it deserves. So we will. Uh, you know, Ruth Abigail, I think something that's coming up for me kind of right off the right off the jump, um, is you know, when I think about the difference between my 20s and my 30s, my young adult years and my middle adult years, I feel like I thought that in order to successfully date, I had to present a package that people would want. And so I was constantly trying to edit and kind of reinvent or I couldn't really change who I was, but I thought I can't change what's in the package, but maybe I can change what it's wrapped in. Yeah, yeah. You know, maybe I can, maybe I can beef up the marketing, you know, and that'd give us because in my 20s, I was more so thinking about how can I increase the volume of people interested in the merchandise. Interesting. You know, like you you wanted more people to come shop at the store. Like, hey, let me go check out Jaquita, see what that's all about. I heard it's it's all the rape. It's a very like and so like I was constantly thinking about how do I uh how do I how do I market myself in a way where I'm more easily caught, you know, or easily, even easily found out here in these streets. Because they were all like, you're not supposed to do the finding, you know. Like anytime you be like, yeah, well, you know, I'm trying to go see if I can meet somebody, he's supposed to meet you, not the other way around. Not the other way around, yeah. They really make it. I just I just want to speak just very plainly from my experience. Y'all make it hard on black women. Dang. Y'all make it. Talk about it, please. Y'all make it hard on black women, and I I know it's probably all women, but I want to talk just for a moment, a brief moment. We make it hard on us. You know, it's you know, don't don't go out looking, you know, but don't, but while you're not out looking, make sure you look really good all the time. Yeah, you know, make sure you're doing all the things that would make you a wife before you found, because he's supposed to find a wife, you know, and not just someone, you know, chilling. And it it really does put you in a position where you delay becoming yourself because you're trying to become this image of a thing. Um, and I think I spent a lot of a lot of time and energy and just mental like energy trying to become who I thought I was supposed to be. Yeah. What I thought I was supposed to look like, what I thought I was supposed to have, and what I thought I was supposed to do. And in my 30s, because I actually, you know, once I realized that y'all, this ain't working. Like I I've taken all your suggestions. You know, I I once had somebody tell me, you know, Jaquita, you need to walk like this. Like you need to walk. Let me see you, you know, walk with a little, you know, sachet, you know, Shantae, sachet, you know, or you need to talk more dainty, like talk using your your higher register and talk up here, you know, don't talk all heavy. Talk up here, you know, which I do when them when somebody comes that's worth, you know, uh-huh, switching it up for I can I can switch it up. Okay, but it was this idea of performance. Yes, you know, and when I laid down performance, that's when I found purpose and allowed myself to really become who who I really, not just who I really am, but I started wanting to be who I really am. Yeah. And the desire for me came. Um, and that changed the way I looked at relationships.

SPEAKER_01 9:18

Yeah, and and I I think that that I I think I've had those moments. Um, I think also I've had that moment of I was less willing to change than you. Uh like I'm just not, I'm just not gonna do that. But because of that, but I will say pen right there, Saint. I I am there's just with a pen. There's just something I'm not finna do that. And it weren't some things, it was all things. Whatever. I I I had that attitude, and I think what I can what I concluded was I guess I'd just be single either for a while or forever. Because I ain't finna do it. Like, and so even though we may have taken different approaches, the con we, you know, I think the the the the the conclusion, it was coming from a potential of the same conclusion, doing it, it's like, hey, I'm not doing this, and I and that I could that could be the what happens, and okay, like because I'm just not going to do this. Um and but still, but in in that sense, still both believing that there was potentially something we had to change about ourselves in order to get to that that marriage status, right? And I I think that it's that's such a dangerous thing. Um for for me, a lot of it did have to do with like I didn't want to be over, I didn't want to be too intimidating, you know. I I've I've been in leadership positions for a while, and I knew a lot of people saw me like that. And so it was a very much a if everybody sees me this way and this is how I come across, then I've no it may not be very attractive, like for you know, for people. And if that's the case, then I guess that's just the case. So maybe I'm just gonna be single, you know, for the rest of my life. Um I think there were definitely uh some things I tried to play down um partly because of that, but partly just because of the fear of accepting everything about me. Um and so I but but one the thing that I remember very clearly at some point just understanding is that the person that is for you has to understand the real you. Otherwise you could run the risk of attracting the wrong person. And and and that that's not something, that's not something you want to do, especially as a leader, because you cannot, and I've I have been there where you attach yourself to the wrong type of person and then find yourself starting to change in order to remain with said person, and what you know I'm saying? And so that that that you you just you and then you become outside, you get you start to get outside of yourself. Um yeah, and it's dangerous, it's it's a dangerous thing, and again, uh it's you know, anyway, well, I'll save that. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_00 12:19

No, I think that that's so key. And you know, when I when I look back over my, you know, very abbreviated dating history, and I think about like what was working and what wasn't working in those situationships, um, you know, I I just remember uh especially kind of in my 20s and early 30s, just really being focused on who I needed to be in order to um, I guess not keep them, but to keep them interested, you know, and always gauging, like, okay, do I still do I still have them? Am I still catching their attention? You know, is this gonna be too much for them? Because I always felt like they had a breaking point. Like they had a, okay, enough. This is too much. I don't want this, and I'm out. Because to be honest, a lot of those situationships, as most situationships do, started off with a I'm not really finna commit anyway.

unknown 13:29

Right.

SPEAKER_00 13:30

You know what I'm saying? I'm I'm I'm here for you know whatever I'm getting out of this. And most of it for me was most of what they were getting from me was uh emotional support, sounding board, you know, the ability to think through their life and to have, you know, some sort of companionship. And as one person told me, I have good conversation. Okay, and and so and I and I said, I said, most people don't. He was like, no, right, not at all. And I was like, oh, okay.

SPEAKER_01 14:05

And then I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt you. Go ahead. No, I was just gonna say the the thing is, you know, it's interesting, most of those qualities you just named were leadership qualities. Yeah.

Intimidation, Authenticity, And Attraction

SPEAKER_00 14:17

And so the stuff that I was getting celebrated for outside, well, I'll say this in my 20s, I wasn't yet getting celebrated for those things. They were qualities that I had that I was learning to use and learning to operate in. But because it wasn't something that I was necessarily getting recognized for at the time, when they were saying those things to me, I was like, oh, they see me. But the older I got and the more established I got in my leadership roles, if you come to me and tell me I have good conversation now, I'm like, thanks. Right. Right. Like you and the rest of the world know that. Right. You know, I'm looking for somebody, and when we talk about this public versus uh private persona, right? What are the things when you when you say to somebody the things that you appreciate about me, what would you say differently than the people who work with me? There you go. What would you say differently than the people that that I serve? Yeah. Right? Because I'm hoping that you see me in a different context because I'm able to be in a more vulnerable space with you where you see more than uh more than what I'm allowing or what I'm and here's the thing, and I think this is critical. It's not as if I'm allowing and not allowing people to see the real me because I'm trying to put on faces or trying to show up in certain spaces and and be fake because I'm the leader, right? I I lead from a very transparent place. I lead from a very real place, right? But it is a it is a space of pouring, right? And not a space of reception. And when you are the person that is pouring, you have to be way more cognizant and responsible of what about what you're pouring out because you are responsible for what you serve to people. Yeah. And so I don't get to go to work or get to go to my mentorship relationships and be broken. Yeah. I don't get to go into those relationships and say, sorry guys, I can't do this. I'm having a terrible day. I don't, I don't get to be in my leadership spaces. I don't get to, I get to be flawed, but I don't get to stay, I don't get to uh work through my stuff in those spaces.

SPEAKER_01 16:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:39

Right? Those are that's something that I have to do privately. And if you're gonna walk with me and be with me, you need to be somebody that I can do that with.

SPEAKER_01 16:50

And so in that, I think it's so important to embrace who you are privately. And we've talked about this before on other episodes, is understanding who you are outside of your public persona as a leader, so that you can make sure that you connect with the right person who connects with you privately. That was one of my biggest things. So like I think um when I whenever I and I've said this before, I I asked the question, like, do you do you fit me privately? Because I I don't the public thing is what it is. Like, I don't, you know, but at the end of the day, do you fit me at home? And if that is a fit, then the public the public thing is less important. Um and I think sometimes we because we uh because we are so focused on the public persona and the image-based culture that we live in, that we oftentimes try to figure out what the picture looks like before we really examine the real person. And and and that that is a dangerous order. Um because often because if you don't, if you do it in that order, you might not get who you need when the picture doesn't look so good. And you're not always gonna look good. Um and as a as a leader, you you know, you know that as a single person, but when you when you hook up, somebody else is gonna know that too. And you need to make sure you're you're with somebody who uh who understands that and can love you through those moments.

SPEAKER_00 18:25

So um And can't like having somebody that you can trust in those moments. Yeah, like I can trust you with in the moments where I don't look good as a leader. Yeah, and maybe, maybe everyone knows it, and maybe everyone doesn't. Right. Maybe, maybe other people are aware, maybe they're not yet. Maybe grace has covered, because let me tell you something. As a leader, you need to tell you something. You talking about learn what the meaning of grace is, talking about God had my back. Absolutely, you know, but I get but you're you're absolutely right. I get to come home and process that as a single person, yeah. You know, and maybe you know, call my besties and be like, girl. Right. But now I got somebody who I don't I don't get a moment to to to I don't get to keep it private or should it.

SPEAKER_01 19:29

No, and if you do, you know, I wouldn't say that I would say that maybe you you maybe should well you maybe need to in the mo in the at first, but it's like eventually there's gonna be a point where you're gonna release it because when you live in the same place, you don't you you the worst thing is to feel like you gotta hide in your own home. Who wants to do that? Like, no, I'm not gonna do that. And so you need you wanna make sure you're with somebody who can handle you when uh your image is jacked up, when you have uh uh made mistakes, when you are feeling completely in um uh incapable of doing what you're doing, totally undeserving, inadequate. Um, you know, all of those things that we know we go through as leaders. I know I do I've had those moments so much, and you know, and I'm so grateful that I've married somebody who can honestly handle that. He he he know he understands it uh and uh he handles it well and reminds me that it's it reminds me that uh you're not the only one that every leader is going to experience this and uh there's nothing about you that's any less as a result of it. And when you you need that, you need that kind of encouragement um and you need somebody who who sees you uh beyond your position and who sees you beyond the public um to what you said earlier when you describe me are there things about me you know the others don't, and that that shows that your relationship has some depth to it. And I think um so I think it's it's you know you want you want somebody who can who can get that and who is equipped to do that, but they're not gonna know unless you sh unless you are who you need to be fully yourself, they're not gonna know how to come alongside you in that if they don't really know who you are.

What Partners See That Crowds Don’t

SPEAKER_00 21:44

You know, one of the things, one of the things that has made me feel really uh proud and uh just that I've noticed as a friend, as your best. You know, when Ty came along. Love him, my bro. That that's my brother. Okay. He knows that. He we locked in. Um, you know, I I I have seen in moments, in big moments, I've seen you go to him first. And uh, and and you know, I I was like, okay, all right, sure, sure, okay, that's cool. You know, I know she'll come back, she'll hit me on the on the rebound.

SPEAKER_01 22:38

That's hilarious.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

Um, but as as a friend, as a friend, you know, I could take that, you know, I could take that different ways. I could be like, oh, okay, so now she married and you know, he's her person. You know, now she has a person, like I wasn't her person, uh-huh, or one of her people before. You know, now now she just out here, just, you know, I got a husband now. So, you know. But what I really saw was I was really grateful because I I said she has a such a safe space that she doesn't question whether or not she can, you know, process something with him. And it was, you know, I've seen you process ugly moments and moments where, you know, we had to navigate difficult feelings and difficult emotions. And and you want somebody because you can't take that to work. Yeah you can't take that to your mentor relationships, you can't take that to the organizations that you're leading and to the and to the people who see you as, you know, Miss RA or whatever they call you, or you know, Miss Gardner, Miss Ruth. Nobody calls me either one of those things to be clear. I really want somebody to call you Miss Gardner. Nobody's calling me. Miss Gardner, can we? It's not happening. Um but you know, like you, you can't take that in those spaces. You can't take that to anybody who calls you boss. You know, like like the moments, your your private moments, they need a home. Yes, they do. They need a home. And the most dangerous thing that can happen is that you get with somebody that you only feel somewhat compatible with, and that you only somewhat trust, and that you only somewhat believe can handle all of you, and you get in a moment where you have these private moments that you can't bring home. You're having private thoughts, private battles, private emotional responses, and you're coming home and you're trying to tuck them away. You can't do that. You can't do that. That's so that's so dangerous, yeah. And I really feel like a lot of people get caught in that trap. And you know, for all my single, all my single friends, men and women, okay, in their middle adult years. I know, I know, you know, I know. Don't listen to Ruth Abigail, she's gonna try to relate, okay? She's gonna try to relate. She's gonna be like, yeah, I know. No, you don't, not anymore. Okay, I I get it. You know, it it can be a very uh, you know, we say lonely and alone are different. And they are. They are but you experience both. Sure. You know, like there are times where you're just like, man, there really ain't nobody else here. You know what I'm saying? I remember there were years where I was like, dang, somebody coming to visit or something. You know, I got extra bedrooms, you know. I even put a I even put another bed in there. You did. I had a real guest room waiting for someone to just drop in, you know. I was I was waiting for it, you know. But you get to seasons where you feel like you're gonna lose the art of being able to walk with someone because you're so used to walking ahead of people. You know, as a leader, you're so used to people uh following behind you, you being the example, you being the role model, you uh charting the course, you telling everyone where you're going and what we're gonna do and how we're gonna get there. You're so used to people following after you that you really wonder like, is somebody gonna be able to come in and do life with us and walk alongside.

Safety At Home: Trusting With The Ugly

SPEAKER_01 26:34

Can I say this? I just this is just my this is uh this has been very real for me, real for me. One of the one of the things that I've appreciated about my husband is that now I am a natural planner, I'm a natural, like, you know, decision maker. I mean, that's just part of part of that is just who I am, but part of that is the lead, like, you know, that's practiced in leadership all the time, right? I just I I do that. But when I'm tired, I'm like, I just need you to handle it and to have somebody who can handle it, who isn't waiting on me to do it. Anything he can handle anything, you know, even the things that you know we see a lot of times, like that's you know, but we joke, you know, a lot of jokes and stuff where people or men are like they don't do certain things. Let me tell you something. First of all, that's not true about a lot of men. And there is something that I I think as as leaders, we have to be um that that I don't know. For me, that's become a very high value. That was a very high value is to to have to have somebody who can handle stuff that I ain't gotta handle, right? And um and be willing to do it because I'm tired. Like, I'm tired. And it's like, hey, I'm tired. Can you handle dinner? I got you. I'm tired. Can you handle um you know, can you handle the homework? I got you, right? Like uh it's stuff like that. Like, I mean, it it's just you need somebody who's willing to carry the weight too, right? And and as a as a leader, uh you don't want because I think the other thing is also, and this was I mean, this was huge. You don't want to marry somebody who's overimpressed with you, overly impressed with your leadership. Come on here, because that puts you in a position of having to content of of potentially performing, which which all which just puts you in a position of where it's like this is them, this isn't this is imbalanced. I don't, I don't want to be this around you. Don't be, I don't, you don't don't care about this. Like, see me, not the leader, like see me. Um see me, you know what I'm saying? Because I'll be tired. I'll be tired.

SPEAKER_00 28:57

Listen, I'm not trying to leave when I get home. And middle adults, raise your hand if you're tired. Okay, we always tired, we stay tired, okay. We wake up tired, we've been in the middle of the day, like tired, like you know, and I think you said something so key. You don't want somebody that's overly impressed with you, because if they're if they're overly impressed with who you are or are the visaged the persona, they're not gonna see you. And I try to be really intentional. In my young adult years, I downplayed a lot of things about myself, so much so to the point that it was starting to impact the way that I just showed up in life in general. You know, like, oh, you know, like I was in divinity school, not telling people I met that I was in divinity school. Because I was like, I don't want this to be a hindrance. Yeah, you know, I don't want the idea of she's a minister to move you away. You know, I don't want, and now I'm like, if it's gonna move you away, keep it stepping. Uh I don't have time. Like, I am, first of all, I cannot change. Do you know how many men that I've dated told me that I was too spiritual for them? And at the time, I was like, uh-uh. She was in denial. Uh-uh. Yeah. It wasn't even no, it's not even that I was in the I wasn't in denial about who I was. I was in denial about what what could work for me. That's fair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I was in, I was like, hey, listen, it's not too much. Okay, no. No, absolutely. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like, I had to be real about who I was. And the real, I um I recently, a couple of months ago, celebrated six months in ministry, six years, sorry. Six years in ministry.

SPEAKER_01 31:07

And the one thing I said, because round of applause, pause for applause, pause, pause for applause.

SPEAKER_00 31:13

Anytime we start naming years, yeah, you know, that's an applause for a man. Thank you for sticking with it. Absolutely. Could have been another way. Absolutely. Could have been another way. But what I said, uh, I was talking to a group of youth, and what I said was, you know, it took me a once the thing I realized after my yes was I I wish I had done it sooner. Yeah. Because life really is better on the other side of yes. Because when you actually begin to agree with God about who he made you to be, you can actually walk into the things that God has for you. When you are in a state of trying to insist that you are not exactly who he said you are, yeah, you're spending so much energy trying to disprove, trying to to uh to uh downplay, trying to minimize, trying to hide, trying to cast shadows over people like they can't see you. It's not that no that anybody could never see me. It's that I was trying to hide. I was like, no, I'm not. I'm not that spiritual, yeah, I'm not that deep. Yeah, you know, it doesn't even matter, you know, righteousness, you know, right? Um, but but but they the thing about it is, and and much respect to each one of those men because they they literally all saw right through me. You know, they were just like, yeah, we're not fooled. Yeah we're not fooled. We're not fooled. We see exactly what this is, you know. Um but I was trying to make excuses because I had convinced myself in my mind that if I am going to have someone, I am going to have to play a game.

SPEAKER_03 33:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 33:03

I am going to have to play the game of I'll give this up, I'll give that up, I'll I'll uh minimize this, I'll downplay that to make this work. Yeah. Um, and until you get to a point where you are worth more than the ideal romanticized version of your life that you're trying to, that you're trying to uh fantasize about until you, who you actually are, is worth more than the fantasy. That's right. You're gonna stay stuck. That's right. And so uh I I became in love with me. Yeah. And I and I and I started flourishing in leadership and flourishing in my career, and flourishing in ministry, and and still flourishing in things. And flourishing is a word that is interesting because it seems like exciting, but flourishing is work. Yeah, it is. Okay, that's what they don't tell you in your young adult years. You know, we used to remember, you know how big the word thrive was? Thriving. I want to thrive, you know. Do you know what thriving is? Thriving is work. Yeah, it is thriving is called Jaquita, she can do it. Yeah, thriving is yo, we gotta hit her on the team. You know what it means to be like the captain, to be the be the best one on the team, to be the one that they be like, hey, put her on the court. She's gonna make the shot. Okay. You know the pressure, you know the work. You know how long MJ and Kobe, I guess LeBron, be in that gym.

SPEAKER_02 34:39

Dang, what am I gonna against LeBron? LeBron is the Kobe.

SPEAKER_00 34:48

LeBron. Whoa. Said what I said. Whoa. I said what I said.

Tired Leaders And Shared Load At Home

SPEAKER_01 34:55

I don't even know that you're qualified to make that strong of a statement. What makes me unqualified?

SPEAKER_00 35:00

I was alive for all of these people.

SPEAKER_01 35:02

We talk about basketball not at all. Ever.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

I don't talk to you about basketball.

SPEAKER_01 35:08

You won't talk to nobody about no basketball. You've all had no quality. It doesn't matter. It doesn't talk about that kind of ranking.

SPEAKER_00 35:14

It doesn't matter.

SPEAKER_01 35:15

I'm sorry, guys. I'm sorry. I'm sorry you had to endure that. Don't don't listen, don't unfollow us because you were just offended by my co-host here.

SPEAKER_00 35:24

It's not gonna be anything, it's not gonna be anything about single-in leadership. It's gonna be listen, much respect to LeBron. All right, the man played a great game because I think he announced that he's about to retire. Um, or that this is his last season. Okay, he's still playing, but he has announced that this is his last season, right? Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 35:47

Okay, very I don't know that he has. Yes, he has. Has he? You don't maybe produce attention. Maybe you don't pay attention. We just say this. All right, guys. I just want to just apologize in advance uh for my co-host. I listen, I just want you to know that Jaquita has not represented the Unlarged Podcast in the last minute and a half in that particular statement. Uh these are all her own opinions. Have nothing to do with the with with the with the show. Um I said I don't what I Who LeBron Pratt for. Who was his team name?

SPEAKER_00 36:24

Ruth Abigail, do not disrespect me like that. Please, do not disrespect me like that. And we're because you're only gonna get more and more disrespectful as this goes along. I'm just trying to understand, I'm just trying to say that. No, because that was unnecessary, uncalled for. But who is the Lakers? I want very much, I want very much for you not to play, for you not to play games with me. I want very much for neither one of y'all. I want very much for neither one of y'all to play these games with me. That's wild. Just because Ruth Abigail ain't watched sports till she got a husband. Chill out.

SPEAKER_01 37:09

I don't even know because I played basketball.

SPEAKER_00 37:11

So hold on. Ruth Abigail, first of all, I could I could be up first of all, just because I played the tuba does not mean I'm a musical genius because.

SPEAKER_01 37:36

When I play basketball and my brother played basketball, and we have a basketball family. I keep up with it. Now, I ain't like deep in it, and yes, it's been a little bit more since I got married, but but I know enough to know that Michael Jordan, Kobe Bryant, and LeBron are much closer than you just said. That's crazy. I didn't say that they weren't close. Bro, you said Michael Jordan. You said Kobe, and then you said LeBron all the way down here.

SPEAKER_00 38:01

Michael Jordan. Y'all need to go on the tape that LeBron. I'm not saying LeBron down here. That's not what I meant. I just meant I was given a ranking. I was given a ranking. I was not trying to drop that man like that. I was giving a ranking. Okay, and since this is not a sports podcast, I'm sorry. We just gonna go back to what we know talking about leadership.

SPEAKER_01 38:24

Y'all had to endure that for the last few minutes. We just had to hope that. That's straight.

SPEAKER_00 38:30

Like, what you literally asked me what team that man played for. I did because I needed I didn't see that. No, that was ridiculous. That was that was insulting. That was ridiculous. And and I know people agree with me. And that's the other thing. Whatever. A lot of people agree with me. Quiddy, you don't watch sports, no. It doesn't. Anywho. Now back to the podcast. Thank you for joining us for this. Thank you for that little commercial break. Yeah. Now back to the podcast.

SPEAKER_01 39:02

Yeah, so single leadership.

SPEAKER_00 39:04

Um we can't record late at night no more. We need earlier recording time. It's pretty bad. We cannot be trusted in the late night.

SPEAKER_01 39:14

It's pretty bad. Um, I have no idea what we're talking about, but hey, I do have an idea.

SPEAKER_02 39:19

So I want to ask you something. Do you do you feel like let me see how I want to phrase it?

SPEAKER_01 39:36

Because we talked about being alone and being lonely. What are your most like when you describe how you experience loneliness, like what does that look like for you right now? And I have the follow-up question.

SPEAKER_00 39:52

Um I I I I don't know that I describe myself as feeling lonely right now.

Don’t Marry A Fan: Avoid Performing

SPEAKER_01 39:59

I I when I say right now, I mean like just in this season. Like I'm not saying like right now, but you know, like just what has that been like?

SPEAKER_00 40:08

Uh I would say in the past because it's not my current reality. Okay. Um, and not because I'm not single, just to be clear. Okay. All right. She's still we we still open and available. Amen. Um, but you gotta let them know. You never know who's watching. Sure. Um our audience is growing. Amen. It's growing. Amen. Yes. Um, I would definitely say in the past, it it felt like my life was limited. Like it felt like um like all of the things that I was not able to experience all of life, and that a piece of life was being held back for me.

SPEAKER_02 40:54

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 40:54

Um, and so because I was always surrounded by people, and I in my single years created fellowship because I was like, I'm not finna be up in this house by myself. People come over, right? Having a shindig. Yeah. Okay. And I I I'd be I'd be serious about my shindigs. You do, you know, and I do invite the people over. Yeah, root that back. You've been to two, actually. She's been to, she has definitely been to a couple. Anytime, you know, they are in town, her enjoying time, I try to throw a shindig. Absolutely. You know, because I want y'all to be a part of that uh part of my life, you know. And we enjoy your shindigs. Listen, I I know it's time for me to host another one. I feel like my friends, especially my friends here, are like, hey, they tell me, they like, yo, when we come back to your house, like, when are you gonna hold another shindig? We want to shindig. Um, but it felt like even even in that space in the beginning, it felt like I was missing out on a piece of my life. So I wasn't, I wasn't really alone. Um, but it felt like coming home alone felt empty. You know, it felt like there's no, it felt like I was in, it felt like all day as a leader, I'm in a space, I'm doing stuff, I'm making stuff happen, you know, life, you know, things are good, I'm being productive, I'm being successful, my team is thriving, you know, and and and everything is great. And then I get home and I have nothing to do. You know, there's there's nobody to take care of, there's nobody to cook for, there's nobody to ask me about my day, there's nobody to to, you know, my private life has no one to attend to it. Yeah. Um, and I have nowhere to lay me down.

SPEAKER_01 42:59

Now, my follow-up question is in what ways, because I I would imagine that a lot of people have experienced that, maybe are currently experiencing it, and in what ways could that turn into like a performance-oriented um actions that make you appear like you're not lonely, right? So I know for what you're saying, shin digs are not that for you. So I'm not I'm not at all even alluding to that, right? You genuinely enjoy that. You enjoy people. Oh, I'm a shin digger. Right, you are. Um but for for some it might be like I'm I want I need people at my house because I don't want people to think that I'm lonely.

SPEAKER_00 43:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 43:47

Right. Um, or I I need to I want to go and uh and do this because I want I don't want people to I don't want anyone to see kind of the the What's the word I'm looking for? Um I don't want people to really see how me not but how me being single really is impacting me in this season. You know, especially, especially, excuse me, as a leader who like you said, you're kind of on all day and you have this perception and you have this like persona that is um winning and it's like you know, we're winning, we're doing great, you know, assuming that that's kind of the the the way that leadership is happening for you right now, that may not be the case. But if you're in that kind of uh uh winning season, if you will, in your leadership and in your private life it feels like you're not, but you don't want people to know that. Um how would you encourage people to manage that?

SPEAKER_00 44:51

Um I would say I think the best thing that I did when I was in kind of those moments was tap into tap into your community. Um you have to have, you may not have a partner, but you have to have a village. Yes. Um you gotta have people who are who are clued in to the real, not the real you, because you're never not the real you. Leadership is very much a part of who you are, right? And so when you are in leadership mode, that is not something separate than the rest of you. It is it's not something in addition, it is you, you know, but there are pieces of you that you need to be able to settle in somewhere. For me, I had to uh dig my roots down deeper in my faith um because I had to believe that God wouldn't withhold any good thing from me. Um, and I have a friend who says that all the time, like he will not withhold any good thing from us. And I had to trust that the seasons of my life were being orchestrated by the Lord.

SPEAKER_03 46:10

Right.

SPEAKER_00 46:10

Um, and I had to I had to address any areas in my heart where I may have believed differently um and how that impacted the way that I related to to God. Yeah, um, and the way that I related to, you know, people, the way that I related to the people who said, Well, you know, when you stop looking for him, that's when he's gonna show up. And I just was like, shut up, thanks, yeah, yeah, appreciate that little piece of wisdom, you know. Thank you. Yeah, so much. Gets old, gets old. Yeah, yeah. Y'all retire that one. Just retire because the truth of the matter is that and that's not the case.

Alone vs Lonely And Building Community

SPEAKER_01 46:57

That's that's not the case for a lot of y'all that be saying it. Because y'all would not be able to.

SPEAKER_00 47:01

Me pretending, because I it it sent me into seasons of being like, you know what? I'm not even not even thinking about a man. Okay, not even thinking about a husband. Right. Like, I'm so not there. Right. I'm so not like that's not even what I'm focused on. I'm focused on my becoming and my leadership. Sure. I didn't mean it at those points in my life. Yeah. Because literally, I was still preoccupied by it. Because I was like, Lord, you see me not, you see me not looking for it, right? You see me not, I know you see me not thinking about it. Right. Uh-huh. I see you, I know, I know I'm thinking about not thinking about it, but I'm still not thinking about it. There you go. You understand what I'm saying? And you're still in a state of idolatry.

SPEAKER_01 47:45

Yeah, that's right.

SPEAKER_00 47:46

You're still you're still in a space where this is, you have made this the most important resolution of your life. I will be married. But there's so many other things that you will be that you're that you are ignoring and avoiding. So get in spaces where people will affirm more than your relationships. Yeah, come on, man. Like for real. Seriously. Get get in spaces where they'll and get in spaces where they will affirm more than your ability to be a servant, our leader. That's right. You know, I think the thing that I have really rested in, especially I would say, over maybe like the last five years, is like you and Joy and my other friends are spaces where I as a person am valued, celebrated, loved, cared for, enjoyed, you know, like all of those things matter. When you are in spaces where you are experiencing that, you won't feel the need to put on a persona. No. Yeah. Because I I know I'm loved, I know I'm cared for, I know I'm valued, I know I'm celebrated. I don't need to go seeking that out. I remember I was uh talking to a guy at one point, and I could not get this boy to give me no kind, you know, uh words of affirmation is one of my love languages, okay? Talk to me. Okay, talk to me, my lord. And I could not get him to to say the the nice things. Yeah. You know, like he he just could not find it on the inside of him to say nice things. Like he would say semi-nice things, but they weren't, they didn't hit, you know. It wasn't, it wasn't, it wasn't the juice I was looking for. And I remember I told him, I was like, hey, if you don't give me verbal affirmation, I'm gonna start digging for it. And then that's gonna make me feel insecure. Um, but now I'm at a space where I don't necessarily like I want to communicate to you who I am and what and what makes me feel well, but I'm not looking for that to make me whole. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think I had to move out of a space where I needed it to feel I needed it to be versus I need this because it's like gas in my tank and it helps me, it helps me to to feel wanted and appreciated. Yeah. Versus this helps me to feel like I'm a valuable person.

SPEAKER_01 50:26

I'm valuable, right, exactly. No, that's real. Um I uh I want to share this this last thing as we wrap up. I want to share this last thing because I just feel like it's important to share um from my personal experience in kind of I remember I remember when I'm I'm kind of and I'm pivoting um a little bit. Like I remember when this was a couple, this is like the within the first year of our marriage. And you know, we have a son and um you know, and so it's it's it's you know, the three of us and I uh you know I work with young people and one of my uh students was missing that day. And um we we we couldn't we didn't know where she was. She left the program, didn't tell anybody where she was. Um when her dad came to pick her up. Um now she hasn't she had a habit of doing this, so he wasn't surprised. He knew it wasn't our fault, wasn't anything we could have done. She's a teenager, we couldn't hold her back, but we told him, it's like, hey, we don't know where she went. And he, you know, he was like, Okay, she does this. I I couldn't, it it just did not sit well with me. I don't like the idea that you know, we've got a a young person who's out there who who was with us and is no longer, and it's like, hey, I I we gotta figure out where she is. So it was like eight o'clock, eight thirty. I told Ty, I was like, hey, um I think her sister, one of her sisters had uh did the find my uh find my iPhone and she got located where she was, figured out where she was. It was an apartment complex is not too far from the center. And I left my house around 8, 8:30. And to go look for this kid who I in this apartment complex that I didn't I didn't know where she was or what was going on. I was familiar with the complex. I wasn't that one like unfamiliar territory, but we were just kind of walking. And so it was me and a coworker of mine. No, no, no, walking around the complex is what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 52:35

Oh, okay.

Faith, Idols, And Waiting Well

SPEAKER_01 52:36

Anyway, ended up finding her, you know, she was upset, she was like, I'm not going home. She was we did all the things. I got home around 9:30 or 10. When I got home, Ty sat me down, he said, Don't do that ever again. Now and he was like, You got family. And I was like, crap. Like, like, and that I'll never forget that moment because he he was reminding me, like, I know you're a leader, I know you you love these kids, but we like you have us too, and you need to think about that. Like, don't we I don't like the fact that you're just leaving the house. I don't know where you are, you know, and we and he didn't tell he didn't stop me, which I appreciated. Like he wasn't like, no, you can't go, but he was clear about how it made him feel. And so what that what that really kind of taught me, and I think as as leaders, there's two things like the person that you um the person that you need to be with needs to be a person who respects your leadership, but is enough of a leader to put you in your place when you're out of place as a leader. Um and that like I needed somebody to say Andrew Zabigail, you can't be the same leader you were when you were single. You are you have to be a different leader, and it doesn't make you any less of a leader, but you have to operate in this thing differently. Um you cannot you can't give more of yourself to somebody else's kids than you do your own. Um you can't give your you can't give more of yourself to a community than you do your family. Um and and I had to learn how to do that in some ways I'm still learning how to do it, but it doesn't just snap overnight. And um it it's it's a it's something you have to work through. But I it's it was it was also very important for me to know that the person I married was able to come and say that and be not speak to me as a leader, but speak to me as his wife. You you gotta be with somebody who can speak to you, not as the leader. And you can't respond as the leader. So I could I would I could have said this is my job, this is what I do. I was doing this before I met you. I know I done handled this and managed this, I'm gonna be fine, X, Y, Z. And I honestly, like a lot of me wanted to say that, like, bruh, like I do this, like you gotta worry about me. I'm straight. Like, we good, I'll let you know something wrong. Um but it's like, hey, in that moment, like you're not, he didn't marry the leader. That's not what he did. He married you, so it's like and he is protecting you, and you have to honor that by taking the leader off and understanding as as a married leader, I approach my work differently um than I did as a single leader. And my husband helps me to do that because he is not in he's he's he he sees he is also a leader in my life.

SPEAKER_00 55:52

Yeah, you know, and you gotta you have to uh give that person space to do that for you because they're seeing the public and the private. That's right. Which is why it's so important, it's so important that you have someone that can judge your public life in the right way. You know, that they can know the essentials and the non-essentials, that they can know the the potential impact of things, you know, not just how it could impact what's happening publicly, but how it can impact what happens privately. And you want somebody that's gonna protect and serve those parts of you, and that can create structures and boundaries around what you both are building together because you're also moving from this life that you were building on your own to this life that you're now building with someone. Correct. And you want someone who can take all of your material and consider it as they take all of theirs and say, This is how this is gonna work for us to build it together. Correct. Um, and I think what we when we hold back, and I think as leaders, sometimes something that we do a lot is the, hey, you know, my leadership is it's not all of me. You know, it's not, you know, I I'm not that deep in it. You know, like it's not that big a part of it. And I think a lot of people, what I have noticed, especially people who got married as young adults, they were willing to lay down a lot of pieces of themselves that they're trying to find now. That's real, that's very true. And it's it has been stressful um for them to now acknowledge maybe I should have kept some things. And so that we could have built with this in mind. Um, but instead, you considered yourself non-essential. Yeah. You considered who you were, what you were called to, your gifts, um, your career, your your leadership, you made it non-essential. Um and it wasn't until you got to a certain space in your life where now you're again looking for meaning, looking for purpose, looking for direction that you realize I should have put that into the building plan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I needed this to be in the blueprint of what we were gonna build now. Um and I think that okay. I think that it um I think that it's so key that you can't nobody can put into proper perspective um how we're gonna navigate the challenges of your life of your leadership if you don't give them the whole picture. That's right. Yeah. You know, I I think for for you and Todd, that was an essential moment where he was like, oh, okay, so she really crazy like this. And she really will. Like, if I don't, you know, it was something that he was able to address in the moment, and I'm so grateful he didn't hold it, right? You know, because it was something that he was able to address, nipping the bud. Now we can move on and continue building. That's right. Versus if if you don't uh if you don't get in a space where we can have that clear, honest communication, we're gonna build stuff, we're gonna build stuff with with deception and and misalignment. Yeah. Because I thought you was really one way, yeah. I thought you was okay. I thought you were okay if I went out at night to check on the stuff. Exactly. Exactly. I thought you knew who I was and what my what my leadership role required of me. I thought you understood that. Right. I thought you really knew me like that. Yeah, you know, because now we've built with this. Yeah. Now now we have a foundation because it didn't get addressed in the beginning. Now we have a foundation that includes I might pop out in the middle of the night to go find a kid. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Seriously. He didn't he didn't allow that to become part of the foundation. That's right. Of what you were building. And I think that as we as we uh beautiful, wonderful singles are beginning to enter into these relationships, be mindful of what you're letting into the foundation. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's because you didn't speak up, because you weren't honest, because you did not clearly communicate to somebody who you were and what you needed, both publicly and privately. And now as they consider you, they're building something that does not include all of you.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:50

All right, we're gonna end it right there. That was very good. There it is. All right, thank y'all for listening. And again, if you made it past that sports thing, congratulations. Um, hopefully you did. I think it got pretty good at the end there. Um I think we need to do a poll. Whatever. We need no poll, okay? I well, fine, I don't know. Producer Joy can do a poll if she wants to. We'll see what we'll see what the vibes are like. No, there'll be no poll. I don't think there'll be a poll. Um, but uh, all right, y'all. Look, we love y'all being a part of this community. We love hanging out with y'all. So uh if this was any value to you, if you know some people or you yourself that are as a leader and kind of rocking the single life, or is a leader and is newly married like myself, um, yo, let them let them don't roll your eyes. Don't roll your eyes. Don't roll your eyes. I am newly married around. I am newly married.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:44

It's gonna be 10 years and she's gonna be like, you know, because we're newlyweds. Yeah, because it's we're fresh into this.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:49

You know, anyway, like, share, and subscribe, folks. Um, and uh just uh we want you to be a part of this community, don't keep it to yourself. We love you guys, we love doing this with y'all. So thanks for rocking with us and um we is, man. Until then, we're unlearning. Uh yeah, unlearning together so that we can experience more freedom. So that we can okay we talk about it. Peace out, y'all. Bye. Bye, y'all. Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram, and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.