It’s Time To Reclassify Your Friends

We talk about why middle adulthood forces change and why unlearning old mindsets creates more freedom and peace. We unpack how relationships and identity get rebuilt when old coping systems can no longer carry the weight of your life. 
• middle adult transitions and the pressure of unseen struggles 
• unlearning what used to work when it stops serving us 
• broken systems built in survival mode and why they crumble later 
• grief as part of letting go of old versions of ourselves 
• friendship rhythms changing without anyone being “the bad guy” 
• why silence kills relationship quality and emotional safety 
• learning to express needs after being taught not to speak up 
• measuring relationship quality instead of just longevity 
• making it through storms and accepting new versions of people 
• deciding what relationships to fight for and what to release 
• hang on versus hold on and what mutual support looks like 
• friendship breakups with Christ-like character and clear boundaries 
• people pleasing guilt and protecting the refining process 
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Transcript

Welcome And Why Change Matters

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, everybody? And welcome once again to the Unlearned Podcast. I'm your host with Abigail, a K-A-R-A.

unknown 0:07

What up, friends?

SPEAKER_02 0:08

It's your girl, Jaquita.

SPEAKER_04 0:09

And this is the podcast, and it's something you gained the courage to change your mind so that you can experience more freedom.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

I don't know why, but that changed your mind here today. It hit today. Because let me tell you something. If you don't change your mind, the Lord will. Okay, listen, you can go willingly or you can go circumstantially. And I listen, you want to be ahead of the game. You want to get ahead of the game when it comes to this, to this change and what, Ruth Abigail? Transition. You want to get ahead of the game.

SPEAKER_04 0:43

Look at you. Look at you getting into it. That's good, Quita. That's good.

SPEAKER_02 0:47

I'm gonna even go. Let's go. Because you see, she's on fire, people.

Like Share Subscribe Community Talk

SPEAKER_04 0:51

Like Quida's on fire. Um, hold on, but before, before, before, hold that fire because what we want to do is we want to tell you at the top that we appreciate you and we want you to like, share, subscribe. This podcast, we're always trying to grow the community. So if you are blessed by what you hear, don't keep it to yourselves, folks. You pass it along and let us know what you think. Drop us a comment. You know what I'm saying? Shoot us a message, you know what I'm saying? Like we be responding, you know.

Middle Adulthood And Unseen Pressure

SPEAKER_02 1:20

Like, come on. Listen, we actually really, really love talking with you guys. Um, you guys, one, y'all are so insightful. Some of the things that people write, um, and some of the ways, and I just want to emphasize what we do here is a labor of love. Okay, we do this because we love y'all, because we love uh the growth that God allows us to uh to gain through our consistent uh handing him back our lives and saying what is this mean? And you know, and so when people like stop me and tell me, man, I watched the episode, y'all were good, this really helped me, you know, that that really does give encouragement to continue going forward because we're really passionate about middle adult care.

SPEAKER_04 2:13

Man, that's really it's and it's necessary because we be it, you know, we we know, and you know, we be going through. We really be going through. It'd be a lot of stuff happening at one time, man. And you gotta manage it.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

It's a lot of stuff happening at one time, and it's like the generation before us, they left some tracks. They're like, you know, go this way, go that way, but they didn't tell you anything about what real experiences going through these different transitions are gonna be like. Like they left no real cues or clues for like what you're gonna feel emotionally going through this, or how you're gonna have to, you know, develop in different areas other than you know the obvious stuff you can see. And I really feel like we're at a time just in the world, in our personal development as middle adult, where it's not the seen things that we're having to pay attention to, it is the unseen. It is the unseen things, and there's so many reasons we could name them, but you guys know them. There's so many reasons why it's gonna be important to take care of yourself in these seasons.

Broken Systems And The Table Metaphor

SPEAKER_04 3:23

Oh, yeah, you're gonna need to do that, you're gonna need to do it. And I think the reason that we may not necessarily hear from people before us is because reality is transition happens all the time, like it is happening consistently. So even people who were in our season, you know, who would live this season, they're transitioning in their season now. So it's not it's hard to like stop and reflect when you you're constantly moving. Like there's just no stopping when it comes to transition. Something's always changing, and you have to be willing. And I think that's this is the beauty of how what we want to like really accentuate with how we how we communicate. It's like changing your mind. Like you have to you have to consistently unlearn things through each period of transition. Um, because you find things in each period where it's like this works, and then you move to the next season and it doesn't work anymore. And you've gotta you have to un undo that. You have to unlearn it, you know?

SPEAKER_02 4:21

Wait a minute, because that that is it right there. It is because and that is the that is the journey of middle adulthood. You get to a season where what used to work, it no longer serves you, it's no longer um effective, right? Because I think also, and this is what I was talking with um with someone that I mentor supervise today, and I was telling her about how as a middle adult you realize that there are some systems that you created out of brokenness. Yep. And you get to a point where the broken systems don't work anymore. You know, uh I recently uh uh elder at my church preached about how you know we have things in our house, houses that we rigged up, you know, because we may not have followed the directions to something, or maybe that table was a little wobbly, and so it got a book under there that can't nobody see. You know, we we have things rigged up in our lives. But as you middle adult, as you get to this stage where you're taking on more responsibility and you're carrying more and and you're accountable to more people and you have more impact and more influence. The table is only built to carry the weight when it's built properly. If you have a table, if you have a table that you done rigged up, and it was good in the last season because you only had two people sitting at that table. Now you have 10. You have 10 people sitting at the table. You got somebody trying to stand up on the table that you're trying to get to sit down. You have people all around surrounding you, and what you rigged up is starting to crumble.

SPEAKER_04 6:07

That's correct.

SPEAKER_02 6:07

And that is the season of transition that I think a lot of us as middle adults are finding ourselves in, is that we have tables and structures and personalities, ways of coping, ways of engagement, ways we have systems we have built that were uh that we built in a time of brokenness or in a time where we were just trying to make it in our in our teen years, in our 20s. You know, we said, this is how I engage with people, this is how I engage in relationships, this is how I build friendships, this is how I build uh my career, these are my ideas around what success is. This is what I think motherhood is gonna be like. This is what I think, and we build up these ideologies and these systems and these these uh rules of engagement that once you actually get into it, and when you get to the next level of your life, you realize I am I'm trying to put a I'm trying to put weight on a broken system and things are falling apart.

SPEAKER_04 7:16

So, so this is so you know, slightly funny story to that. I'm sitting at my keyboard the other day, and I was playing, I was was playing me and uh our son Tyson, and we um uh we were about to be done and he was saying goodnight, and he leaned over to give me a hug or a kiss or something like that, and that chair broke. I fell right on my behind.

SPEAKER_05 7:42

This chair had been halfway there for a while, to your point.

SPEAKER_04 7:50

And we kept sitting in it, and I used it, but it just took a little bit of pressure and I fell on my butt. I mean, boom. And it was just like, whoa, what happened? That junk is out in the in the yard now, it ain't it. We can't use it, and it's like you're right, and we should have been moved that chair, we should have been either fixed it or gotten rid of it, but we didn't. I just kept sitting in it.

Grief And Identity In Friendships

SPEAKER_02 8:14

Listen, you know what I'm saying? Millennials, millennials, and middle adults in the chat right now, wherever you are. I want you to write. I everybody got something in their house that you should have been throughout. Yep, okay. We all got something you done had for 15 years. You bought it from IKEA when you graduated college, okay. And my book is good for this. You know what I mean? That's leaning to the side a little bit, okay. It's bad. And you you done propped it up in the corner in the wall so it can be supported. Listen, every all of us have something that it can no longer support the weight of where we are. No, and we're too old to be falling flat on the camera. You can't be falling. It's too old. You got too much. You don't have the bone structure. You want to talk about structure. You ain't got the bone structure. Can't do it. You don't have the muscle strength, okay, to be falling down on that ground. Nah, man, you don't need to be falling. We need to preserve these these bodies, you know. And so I I have been thinking about this honestly a lot. And I think we could probably do an entire different episode on this subject. So I'm not gonna go too deep into it, but um just a ways that grief. And you know, I've experienced grief on kind of a deeper level here recently with the passing of my dearly beloved grandfather. Um, but I feel like we get to these stages where you are transitioning out of one season of your life and moving into that next season of your life. There is a point of grief where you are having to literally grieve the things that you had to let go because they can't serve you in this season. Um, and one of the things that I'm currently having to navigate is the not necessarily the grief of the end of friendships and relationships, although some of them have come to a close, but the grief of the transition of how I'm situating myself in relationships because I'm looking at the personality that I've built inside of these systems. You know, this Jaquita's always loyal, Jaquita always shows up, Jaquita is uh never asked for anything. And I used to wear that like a badge of honor, like I'm a good friend. Yeah, you know, I I I used to consider myself to be a professional friend, you know, like hey, listen, I could make a living. If they if somebody was hiring for a good friend, you know, I'm like, sign me up, all right? Where the degree at? You know, where did I get my certification? Right? Because I I really pinned a lot of my identity on being able to show up for people. Um, but I've had to realize that some of that was created out of a out of a broken, out of a narrative of brokenness. And I'm having to review what what was the foundation that I was building, not what not the ways that people are showing up in these friendships, but what is the foundation that was informing the way that I was showing up? And that's what's what is having to be revisited. And it's tough.

SPEAKER_04 11:45

That is tough. And and it's and it's tough, but it's good inventory to take because as you get older and your life begins to shift. I think you said something to me like the other day where you were like, uh I I can't oh man, Quita. Dang it, hold on. What did you say? It was really good. Um I know what was. Yeah, yeah. It happens sometimes. All right, all right, chill out. Okay, all right. Um you uh you you but you were essentially like I know I'm I've I I need to move forward. Like I I can't continue to be stuck in in certain areas. And a lot of time, and and what this is one of those areas is like my life, I do not want to still continue to be wrestling with these things when other parts of my life move forward. Like I don't want to continue to be here. Yeah, and I think that's that's it's good inventory because uh your friends, you know, the people that you um uh that built have built tight relationships with, we say this all the time, y'all. Community is everything. You look, you and you have to your community is really a reflection of you. And so if you find yourself, you know, in a space where you are taking inventory and realizing maybe uh these relationships, my part in this is I have built it based on brokenness, like Queda was saying. I and I I showed up based on how I felt like I needed to show up in order to retain people and not not be as authentic or as um honest as I need to be in this relationship, then you you can set yourself up to be um uh to be in a position where you you can't you can't move forward and you end up uh dragging people that that you don't need to hold on to. So you your people become baggage and that's not healthy. And so you moving that into another space is is not something you want to do. Um and I think and I think the thing is like we kind of talk about it in terms of negative influences, you know. We kind of that's kind of one of those things it's like, yeah, the negative people in my life are the people that just you know are going a totally different direction, all this stuff. But I think the nuance here is that doesn't always have to be the case for you to have to let somebody go. Um or to let a relationship go, or let a relationship live in a different space. Let it transition, let it transition, let it be different. It's okay. Um, you know, uh all five of us, like you know, the there's five of us kind of that are still we have a crew from college, and we all live in different states at this point. No, that's not true. I'm tripping. One just moved. That's true.

SPEAKER_02 14:47

I finally after like 15 years, having dang, that's crazy.

Speaking Up After A Lifetime Quiet

SPEAKER_04 14:53

And then for a long time, I have we had it was two of us in Memphis. But we we have we have lived in different states at one point, and most of us live in different states. Um, we're always trying to figure out how we get together. And we used to be able to get together on a on a regular basis. We used to be able to have to have like every New Year's. Yeah, we used to have a hard card New Year's trip friends. Yep, and we did it. And we did it, and it was great, and we could all drive, it was no problem. We figure it out. But that was then, you know, that was then. It it feels impossible to get together now. Like we get together for big occasions, we make that happen, but just a get together just for get together's sake is like man, I don't know. Like, you know, some of us may be able to, a couple of us here and there, you know, but we've had to navigate and accept that our our the the the the rhythm of relationship is different simply because we've transitioned. And I think that something that could have been potentially unhealthy is if we allowed uh the guilt of that or the or the the um perceived comfort of that to uh make us not be be okay with accepting that transition, like forcing us, forcing ourselves to show up when we know we really don't need to show up. Right. Um or you know, anyway, so I think I think it that's it's just we've experienced that just with our our circle and it's has nothing to do with the people or the community. It's it's sometimes it's just time to do that. And and it don't have to have it don't have to be negative, but it needs to happen. It needs to happen. You gotta acknowledge where you are.

SPEAKER_02 16:46

You know, I I think one of the things that I realize when it comes to me and the sense of friendship is that you cannot build solid foundations on silence. And if there are areas of your life where you are not communicating and you are not expressing not just what you need, but really expressing how you're really experiencing things. Yeah, really expressing how things have really impacted you, you know, and I feel like I'm about to go in, I'm about to move into a season of deep expression, and I want to go ahead and apologize to everyone who may have to be a recipient of this because when you have been a person that has not spoken up for yourself and has not um and has not expressed like how things impact you, how things, how things move you to the left or the right, you know, and you and you feel like you have been, you know, you feel like you've been taking hits, but you you weren't really, you can't really call them hits because you didn't internalize them like that. You were just like, uh, you know, it happened, and you made excuses and you found all the reasons why, and you, you know, walked the other party through why it may have happened that way. Um now you need to sit, you have to sit with, you know how they say buried emotions don't die. Yeah. No. All that stuff that you brushed over, pretended like it wasn't there, pretended like it wasn't, it wasn't what it was, you now need to, you have to be accountable for that. That's correct. You have to be accountable for what's kind of in your reservoir. And when you open the lid, you can't go, they did this, they did that, yeah. This and this and this happened. Like you didn't express those things. And so, you know, I I've been at points in my life, in my in my life's journey where I have gotten to points where I have evaluated friendships and I have thought to myself, okay, what do I do with this friendship now? What do I do with this relationship now? I don't know how to move it forward. Um, and a lot of times, I think my response was creating distance and then allowing it to come back later and just be like, all right, we're cool now. You know, I just needed, you know, three months off apparently. But I think that there is, I think that there is some value in speaking up. And millennials and middle adults, let's talk about some reasons why we don't speak up. Okay, it's because you were told not to as a child. Okay. We were told, you know, not to speak, not to express, not to ask questions, right? A lot of us were given that narrative of children, children are meant to be seen, not heard. Right. And sometimes those those uh kind of rules of our youth are following us. Yeah. Right. And you internalize that maybe it is not safe for me to give opinions or to give thoughts or to give ideas or to require something of someone. Um, I know that that's something that like I've had to like wrestle with, like, you know, like, is it actually okay for me to say, hey, this is what I need? Yeah. Um, because a lot of times as a young person, it was like, hey, we all need something. So don't don't speak the needs. We all see them. You don't have to talk about them.

unknown 20:29

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:29

Yeah.

Quality Over Longevity In Relationships

SPEAKER_04 20:30

Yeah. That's real. And I think as women, we get that like on uh, you know, that that's there's a duality there. Because that is something that women I think have have to grow into. Um even pretty I think a lot of women, even later in life, like where you you are willing to express what you need, um, be honest about how you feel, not just accept everything you get. But we we kind of like that's that's another narrative that's played out, like for women, is like we you just you take what you get and that should be enough. Um and that's that we have to unlearn that. That that's not obviously that's not true, but it is tough to come into that when it is what you not not just not what you've just heard, but what you see. And you you see people um behave and interact like that. And a lot of times we don't see the behind the scenes of what that behavior brings, you just see kind of the surface level of the way it looks, right? Um, you know, there let's see here. Oh, how diplomatic do I want to be? Um, so the I think there's a reality to we all know people, whether it's in our families or our other people's families who have been married, right? For 50 years, 60 years. And We celebrate it. And I'm not saying that shouldn't be celebrated because it takes a lot to be with somebody for that long. We also, though, don't know what that 50-60 year of staying has been. And we don't know what the behind the scenes of that has been. And I think that I hear, even not even people who've been like married um like um with fewer years than that, you get to a point where you get tired of feeling like you're not heard. And it part of that is on you because it's, you know, we're we're you're there's silence, but there's also a learned behavior because we look at the time and we look at the time frame and think marriage is about it's it's only the the win is longevity, it's not necessarily quality. And if we can stay together for a long time, then we've done what we're supposed to do. But the question is, what's the quality of that staying together? And I would say that that's that's the case with any relationship. Like you can say you've been friends with somebody for 30 years, but what's the quality of friendship? I mean, what's the quality? I'm just like, you know what? We ain't made it that long yet. We'll see when we get there. Um but the quality of the friendship. And are you are you willing to uh take inventory of the quality of something, not just the length of something? Like it takes it takes something for it to be to have the depth and the meaning that it needs to have and for it to be mutually beneficial, right? Yeah, and unfortunately, uh and friendships and other relationships and marriages, unfortunately, sometimes a lot of times it's one-sided. And you ask people to be honest, and it's like they feel like they're getting what they need and they don't. Well, why is that? What's going on? And is that something that can be changed? Or is it does it need to be, do we need to do this? Do we need to separate?

SPEAKER_02 24:11

So you know, I think when you think about those relationships and going 50, 60 years with someone, you know, you have to account for the you know, relationships transition because people transition. And a lot of times we we don't make it across the the transitions, you know. Like I saw, I just I'm seeing, you know, when Jesus put the disciples in the boat and said, you know, I'm gonna meet you over on the other side. Y'all get in the boat, I'm gonna meet y'all over there, right? It's the transitions, it's when we get on the boat, and now it's the waves, it's the storm, it's everything happening in between one place and the other, you know, and and navigating change and navigating uh uh stormy, stormy waters, you know, and I'm thinking about um of friends that I have who noted that um when one of them lost a parent, how much that shifted their relationship, you know, because they had to now navigate. You are, you know, this is not the same person that it was before. You you you're not you don't have the same needs, you don't have the same, the same perspectives, you don't have the same, you know, you don't joke the same, you don't, you don't, you don't exist in the world the same as you did before this big transition came. And that's where we lose each other at. You know, I um I watched it if you don't say it if you don't if you don't just saying it, if you have to be willing to take on the new version of that person, right? I I have to be willing to express what my new who first of all, I'm I'm learning new me. Well, and that's what I'm saying. I think learning and growing in it.

SPEAKER_04 26:14

Yeah, you have to be willing to, it has to be acknowledged is what I guess what I'm what I mean. Like it has to be acknowledged, like you have to, there has to be a an uh come to an understanding of where where we actually are and not not continue to and I that might take time. I'm not saying that happens right away. Yeah, but it but there but the unfolding of this new of this new dynamic at some point has to be acknowledged and accepted and if if we're both gonna move forward. I mean it does that make sense.

Surviving Transitions And New Versions

SPEAKER_02 26:44

No, it it does make sense, but there for the person that is on the other side of that and having to acknowledge and accepting it, there's also a level of grief. Yeah, you know what I'm saying? Like there's a level of, okay, so this isn't who we were just a few weeks ago, just a few months ago. You know, I I I have to I have to let go. I have to let go within a relationship that I'm holding on to, I have to let go of a former understanding of who you were, a former understanding of how you operated and how you and I think a lot of things as you are growing in a relationship, in a marriage, in a friendship with a person, a lot of things can knock you off your post a little bit. Can cause you to approach things differently and to need something new that maybe you didn't need before. And not that it is a test of the relationship, but relationships endure when they can make it through the transitions. 1000%. And that's gonna that's gonna be completely determined by what your what your disposition toward the relationship was before the transition. You know, I'm thinking about times, and I actually, you know, one of my favorite stories to tell when I think about friendship, and I think about enduring friendship and friendship that makes it through the transitions. Me and Ruth Abigail got a tell the tell, you know. We too have a story of endurance and making it through and and transition. But you know, this friendship could have been lost. It could have been lost. We were literally in college, y'all. We shared a whole bedroom, her bed, my bed, right next to each other, and we were not in a good place. Not in a good place. And it was Queen's fault. It was Queen's fault. It was not my fault. It was not my fault. I will take responsibility for I will take responsibility that I probably could have responded to some things in a better way. I probably could have communicated things in a better way. But I was right.

SPEAKER_05 29:09

But nevertheless, nevertheless, this needs more there.

SPEAKER_02 29:17

We're not gonna get all that. Just sweep that on out. We've already made it past that. But what kept the friendship, what kept the friendship was not because either one of us gave in and said the other one was right. Neither one of us, neither, that is not what kept the friendship. What kept the friendship is one day we sat down, we looked at each other in the face and said, listen, I I'm not, I don't want to lose your friendship. I didn't go into this friendship with it being circumstantial. I didn't go into this friendship thinking that one day I would lose you. For really, it was something silly. It was silly. It really wasn't that ultimately, yeah. It was ultimately it wasn't that deep. In the time in the moment. Um, but it we had the decision, the decision was made before the transition came. That I'm willing to endure hard times with you. Yeah. I'm willing to figure things out when we get to moments where we're not on the same page, yeah. Where we don't see things the same way, where we're in a where we're disagreeing about the way that a thing looks or the way that a thing is playing out. Like ultimately it was, and I think something that I had to learn from that um from that situation is what does it mean to have somebody's back? You know, how do you have somebody's back when you disagree with what they're doing? And just to be clear, she wasn't doing nothing that terrible. I really wouldn't, but you know, it's fine. You wouldn't, you know, I don't want to make it sound like you was just out here in these shit. Yeah, like come on, man.

SPEAKER_05 30:58

Like, chill out, dog.

A College Conflict That Endured

SPEAKER_02 31:03

Right? But I was I was at that time, and still sometimes, a person of strong opinions. Um that's what we'll call it. Yeah. We'll call it that. I was also super spiritual. Um I ain't afraid, you know. Listen, it's it was a it was a moment in time. But I, you know, what does it mean to walk with someone in moments? What does it mean to to maintain friendship in moments where you may not understand how they're moving? You know, is there a is there a foundation of trust there that can be dependent on when things change?

SPEAKER_04 31:46

And I do I agree with that. And I think I think but I I think there's there's there is a lingering question out there that's like, okay, but how do I determine what friendships I need to keep and what which I don't, what relationships because there has to be a there has to be a um a a bar, if you will, or or some sort of like standard that you set to say, okay, what how do I measure how do I determine when I need to fight through a transition versus when I need to separate myself from the relationship? Like that, that's a real question. Every relationship is not to be fought for. Um and and I and and and I I'm and and this is I mean, it's it's a that's hard. I I you know, and I I mean that's hard. And I I'm not we're not talking about marriages, but I I mean to s I I will say that some marriages are not meant to be fought for. Now, I we won't, I mean, I know, I realize that. Um, I realize I just said something that could be controversial, but that's okay. I'm okay with that. Uh I I I just think I believe that. Like, you know what I'm saying? There's some things that just you you can't you don't have you don't have what it takes. Like you can't, it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't make it, but we're not here to talk about marriages.

SPEAKER_02 33:13

No, no, no. But can I make a just an edit?

SPEAKER_04 33:16

Sure. I I probably need to edit.

SPEAKER_02 33:18

Go ahead. Yeah, no, no, no, no. Just uh not some marriages, it's not the marriage, it's the situations that the marriage presented.

SPEAKER_04 33:28

Yeah, but sometimes that can mean that the the marriage Yeah, no, sometimes that means that the marriage has to end.

SPEAKER_02 33:34

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. I don't like the idea of some like just marriage. Marriage can also can always be fought for.

SPEAKER_04 33:42

And I'm it can be fought for. I'm not saying it can't be. And I'm not even saying you don't, but I'm saying there are instances where it's understandable that it's not.

SPEAKER_02 33:52

I was just making an argument for the sake of language.

SPEAKER_04 33:54

That's perfectly fine. And that's probably fine. Anyway, we'll move on for that because neither one of us are marriage, you know, um, you know, experts. Um, but I I but I I'm saying relationships, and I just didn't want to exclude marriage because um it that's that's a that's that is a relationship. But I do think that there are some relationships that are not that that you don't have the capacity to fight for either.

SPEAKER_02 34:20

Can I uh share with the people what the Lord shared with me? Yes.

SPEAKER_05 34:25

Okay, I appreciate your uh your permission.

Knowing What To Fight For

Hanging On Versus Holding On

SPEAKER_02 34:29

Um I I was I was praying to God one night. I was sitting on my couch because I feel like I've been making a lot of hard decisions here lately. And a lot of it's been a lot of hard pivots and a lot of it's it's been a very reflective moment. It's it's it's it's been honestly kind of emotionally draining, if I'm to tell the truth. But one thing that the Lord said to me that helped me to navigate how I'm looking at relationships in this season is he said, Joshua, there is a difference between people that hang on and people that hold on. People that hold on, as I'm holding on to you, you're holding on to me. And so if one of us gets weak, the other one is there to hold the other one up, right? And so if we're both holding on, yes, I feel your weight, but it's balanced, right? And I also have permission at times to be weak, to to release, to um, to it's a it's a give and take. And it's uh it's because we're holding on to each other, we can walk together if we're holding on. If someone is hanging on, that means that all of their weight is dragging on you, and you are literally pulling them along in your life. And if you ever get to a point where you become dead weight, right, where you become the person that has to, that has to, that that crumbles or that falls or that can't continue, that person that has been hanging on, they are they are now gonna be dragging you down. Like as you're going down, you're gonna feel them pulling you down. Yeah. And so as I'm thinking through how I'm navigating relationships in the season and how I am uh investigating and observing and uh reflecting on friendships and relationships? That's the first question I'm asking. Is this a relationship where if I let go and said, I'm not strong today, I don't have it today, I don't, I can't, I can't give today, would that person be somebody who says, okay, no, we're holding. So I got you. You're not gonna fall. Or is this somebody that I've been pulling along? Right? And and I think, again, you can sit and you can focus on the I'm cutting off everybody that's hanging on, right? I ain't got time for these people who all they do is take, take, take, take, and take. And you can really get lost in that perspective because you you, and it is a it is a very, it is a very deep well where you start considering things, but you start thinking about things only from your perspective. And you have to be real and honest with yourself and say, I came into this situation with a level of brokenness that has allowed for this dynamic to thrive. And just because I found my manual and I started putting my stuff together, that doesn't mean I need to communicate things effectively so that people know if I'm making moves, what the moves mean and why I'm making moves. I need to be first, I need to be clear with myself, and then I need to communicate in a way that lets other people know hey, this is how, this is how I now show up in this relationship if I'm showing up at all. Right? It's not a boundary if it's not communicated. Correct. And a lot of us are walking around with secret boundaries, but what it's not you got a secret, a secret manual that you wrote in the privacy of your heart, right? That you don't communicate to people, but then you hold them responsible for it.

SPEAKER_04 38:40

And that you that's not that's not fair, and you can't do that. I mean, that's that's very true. Like, yeah, I I I was hoping you were gonna talk about the hang on, hold on. I was hoping we would get there. Yeah, I've been on there for a while. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't I uh it is my new. I was gonna, I was it's actually gonna be what I was gonna set it up if you didn't get there. Like I was like, we need we actually have to do it.

SPEAKER_05 39:00

I was gonna set you up for the point.

SPEAKER_04 39:02

Oh, okay.

SPEAKER_05 39:02

No, no, no, I won't go take it. That's what the Lord said to me.

SPEAKER_04 39:09

I wouldn't do that. Um, no, but because I think that's a beautiful illustration. Like, yeah, and it's very easy to see, like you can visualize that all day long, right? Um and I I think that you know, the one a question um that people might be asking is how how do I do that? Like, how do I do a friendship breakup? Like, what is that like what how do I need to make that work? That is not easy. Like that is not easy when you when you know that um in in a relationship, and again, we're making a distinction between relationships that uh go through a transition or relationships that need to break apart, like need to really stop or the rhythm needs to change drastically. Um I I think one of the one of the principles that I have um used when I have had to break relationships apart from people. I've had to do this a few times in my life. I wouldn't say it's it's been a ton, but I tend to hold on too long to uh unhealthy relationships. And um, and so I I I I've gone through this a few times. I think one of the things that I committed to and have committed to is the first thing is uh don't I'm not gonna lose my character in when I when I do it. So if if like I'm going to approach this thing from a Christ-like perspective, regardless. Like I'm gonna be clear, but I'm gonna be Christ-like, right? And um and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna lose my character in it. That I think has helped ground me in how I approach things if I make a decision that I'm not gonna come out of character. And not only am I gonna come out of character, but I'm going to choose to position myself with Christ's character, but still maintain clarity. That's important. Because just because you have high character doesn't mean you are not clear. Okay. All right. So understand like clarity comes alongside character, and that's good. Um and I I would also say be, you know, be authentically who you need to be. If you if you communicate best through writing, it's okay to send a text. I I I think that's okay. I'm better at that. Like I can express myself better through writing than I can through speaking. Um and so if you need to send a message or, you know, a text or an email or a voice note or whatever, and then follow it up with a conversation, do that. Like, don't don't think, oh man, I just gotta call them. Because that might honestly that might screw you up. Because you might just blabber and not know how what to say, or you say the wrong thing, or you become unclear because you're really not confident in what you're saying. You you've gotta like be real, be who you are. Queen is not a texter. That's not her, that's not her preferred language.

SPEAKER_05 42:11

Not usually, but I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 42:18

You know, I I've sent a few, hey, uh, unfortunately for for you. I'm just saying. Um you know, the the this this friendship. Here are my reasons why. I'm I'm good at texting because I I do express myself through writing. It'd be the all day.

Friendship Breakups With Character And Clarity

SPEAKER_04 42:37

Oh, yes, true. I mean, that's true. That's a good point. I could text all day. I never have to pick up the phone. But yeah, you enjoy. And I Yeah, I I enjoy good text. But but but you know, you have different styles, you know what I'm saying? Like it's like be you. If you the person that needs to talk through it, okay, talk through it. Like, pick up the phone. Um, don't resort to a text because it's easier. So I think just knowing you, be clear, have high character, those things are not mutually exclusive, and be authentically who you are. Don't be afraid to just be honest and do the best way for you. Um, Quido, you will you have any other uh tips?

People Pleasing Guilt And Protecting Change

SPEAKER_02 43:17

Um I I think I I will say I feel like there are some instances where I have done it wrong. There are some instances where I feel like it was hard, but I I did what I was supposed to do in that moment. And I I uh but what I will say is that um I'm not I'm not gonna necessarily talk to the what to do and what not to do. Because I do think you want to make sure that you are clear and that you are setting a boundary about what can and can't happen from this moment. Like I'm not, hey, I just wanna let you know I'm I'm not gonna answer your phone calls. I'm not gonna da da da. You know, this this these are. My these are my boundaries, you know. Because I think when we say, Hey, I just want to let you know we I ain't cool with you no more, we don't rock no more. They'd be like, All right, I see you, you know, we all go to the same little side, you know. I'm gonna see what you're gonna do. You're not gonna talk, you're not gonna see, you know, and so I think as clear and concise as you can. But I will say the thing that I've been having to process is feeling guilty for setting boundaries. Feeling guilty for saying, hey, this is this is my line. We've reached, I've reached my capacity with being able to endure whatever it is that I no longer feel like is matches who I am anymore. And but as a uh recovering people pleaser, you know, and people people's uh uh people pleaser anonymous, okay, if you would. Uh I'd like to invite all of my uh all of my uh say it diplomatic, my diplomatic people, my you gotta say it the right way people, the, you know, who am I if everybody doesn't think I'm warm and fuzzy all the time? And you know, again, I had to, I had to contend with the fact that some of my people pleasing, about 80%, a good bit of it, was built from a place of brokenness. It was built because I didn't want to have to deal with rejection. I didn't want to have to deal with um abandonment. I didn't want to feel like I had given people a reason to leave. Or I had given people a reason to think less of me. Right. And when you stand for yourself and say, No, I'm not gonna take that, right? In the moment it feels good. It'd be like, oh, I told you, uh uh yeah, because I I ain't fooled up with that. But then later you you start questioning yourself because the the desire to be accepted, the desire to feel like everyone likes you and everybody thinks well of you, and that nobody has anything bad to say about you, that desire will make you that's what often causes us to re-blur the lines. Yeah. And I would just encourage people to one, when you are thinking about what you are gonna say to that person, to when you are redefining a relationship in whatever way that is. Because it's not always like a strong breakup. No, sometimes it's a strong It's a redefining the rhythm. Like it's a redefining the rhythm. You know, it's a maybe we don't have to talk every day. Maybe this isn't a you know, we chill at each other's house relationship. Maybe this we just go out for lunch, maybe we coffee friends and not you know sleepover friends, like you know, maybe maybe take that how you want to.

SPEAKER_05 47:16

Y'all know what I meant and what I didn't mean, okay?

SPEAKER_02 47:22

But nevertheless, nevertheless, in any in any point where you come to a point where you are redefining the relationship, I I want you to take some time and journal reflect on your reasons why. Because your the temptation to go back to the way things were, and again, it's not about this other person. It's not it is about you refining you. You are having to redefine the relationship because you are being refined, and you have to protect the process that God has you in. You have to put you have to protect the moment that God has you in, and you have to you have to protect both where you've been and where God is taking you. You gotta protect it. You gotta protect it, you have to protect your transition, right? And so this is not about uh you you don't have to feel bad because you have to trust that as God is leading you and navigating you through another a new season of your life, you have to trust that God has that other person too. For sure. And that's been really hard for me because again, I pride myself on being the person that shows up, on being the person that you can depend on, and being the person that if you call, I got you, and whatever you need, and whatever you need. And to not be that person is a hit sometimes to your pride and to your understanding of who you are. Because if I'm not the person that shows up, then who am I? If I'm not the person that you can call on anytime that you want to, then then I now have to allow God to redefine me. That's right. And I have to allow God to show me what He's always intended for me versus the table that I built in order just to sustain my life in that moment. And so if I'm not showing up for you, I have to trust that you are finding God in this moment who was always supposed to be the one that showed up for you. And that that is a I think that that is part of the biggest part of that transition as as you go about redefining relationships. It's how are you gonna trust God with what you used to hold?

Loyalty Is Not Security Closing

SPEAKER_04 49:50

I I I think that um you said something earlier just to like put a put this cherry on top because this was so profound. We talked about it, I think this I think we talked about it this morning. The idea of what you were just talking about, loyalty, and how loyalty does not equal security and how a lot of you did say that. I'm I'm I need to give you your flowers, you know, in public. You know what I'm saying? No, but you you did, and I I think like that that kind of sums up, I think, what you just said is like it who are you? I'm a loyal, I'm here, I'm I'm I'm I'm gonna be that person. You can count on me, I'm not going anywhere. And loyalty can feel uh there there is a pride to that. There there is a a clear identity to that. And when you when you say, and and and there and loyalty comes with it comes with some perks. It comes with some perks that you feel like that that they're there. Security is one of those things. It's like as long as I'm there for them, they'll be there. And that's not always true. And you get to a point where you say, okay, the loyalty that I had is not producing what it used to produce. So what needs to shift? Like, how do I need to how do I need to reevaluate what being loyal actually is? Um, and what what what this I what this thing that I've created my identity around means. Um and evaluate that. And then, like you said, like really allow God to work with you and work with other people around that reality.

SPEAKER_02 51:29

And it's not that you are not who you thought you were, it's just that God is rebuilding you to have a firm foundation so that loyalty is in service with God and not in service to the broken pieces that you've been trying to uphold. So it's not that I'm not loyal or that I'm not, you know, a good quote unquote friend. It's that it has to be rebuilt so that it can serve that quality in me can serve at a different level. Yeah. Um, and there are qualities in all of us that as we go through these middle adult years, okay, that that is that is another theme of middle adulthood. It is the years of the rebuilding. Yeah. Right? It's the years of, man, I thought I had it, and I did it. And now I'm I'm having the some stuff got taken apart, and I got some pieces laying around, and they have to get rebuilt. You know, uh the it says that the potter has to make you new again. Like he he he you're back in the potter's hand, and it's the same clay, it's the same material, but it's being made into something stronger and better that can endure into the season that he's taking.

SPEAKER_05 52:47

Well, amen. All right, guys, I think we're done. I think so. I think we're done.

SPEAKER_04 52:54

Well, thank you for listening once again to the Unlearned Podcast. We love doing this, and we will be back next week. And we'll be back. We will be back. So tune in. Y'all know we drop on Tuesdays. Show up, tell us what you think. We want to hear from you. But until then, let's keep unlearning together so that we can experience what, Quita? More freedom, freedom, peace.