Learn to Design YOUR “Soft Life”

We unpack what the “soft life” really means beyond the Instagram snapshot and why culture cannot be the author of our future. We talk alignment, seasons, mentorship, and the kind of foundation that makes abundance sustainable when life stops feeling soft. 
• the cultural “soft life” image and what it leaves out 
• defining a personal soft life through values and self-awareness 
• why authenticity matters more than aesthetics 
• appreciating steps, seasons, and small upgrades that fit your budget 
• breaking down barriers like knowledge, access, and systemic hurdles 
• wisdom sharing versus information sharing and why mentors matter 
• why you want what you want and how that keeps you steady 
• time freedom, flexibility, and work alignment as real wealth 
• why skipping steps backfires and how to build capacity 
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We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. 

Transcript

Welcome And Community Check-In

SPEAKER_04 0:03

Yo, yo, yo, what's up, everybody? And welcome to the Unlert podcast. I'm your host with Abigail, aka R A. What's up, friends? It's your girl, Jaquita. And this is the podcast that is helping you gain the courage to change your mind so that you, yes, you can experience more freedom.

SPEAKER_00 0:21

Listen, let's get to the more freedom, okay? Let's get to the more freedom. Let's get to the more freedom. I am excited about y'all. Listen, Sun's out, guns out, okay? It's hot. All right. It was almost 90 degrees out.

SPEAKER_04 0:37

Suns out, guns out is crazy because that actually is true. The guns come out more when it's sunny. Because then folk that come outside.

SPEAKER_00 0:45

Ruth Abigail, that's what they're doing in Memphis. I'm just saying that's a universal thing. Me, no, no, no, no, no, and no. Um, but you know, I was I was walking around outside today and I was getting faint between the pollen and the heat and all of the things. I was like, this summer is about to be something else. Because for it to be March and almost 90 degrees, I'm not ready. I'm not ready.

SPEAKER_04 1:15

Sorry to hear that. And that's not the case here. It's not so bad. It's actually kind of cool today. Like I wore this outside today.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Okay, congratulations. Anywho, it's nice, y'all. Listen, we are excited to first of all, I feel the need to connect with the community in this moment. Hi, friends. Welcome. If we haven't seen you in a while, it's good to have you back. Yeah, if this is your first time visiting with us, welcome to the Unlearned Podcast, where we are just two middle adults out here having real conversations. Hey, friend, hey, why don't you take a moment and like, share, and subscribe, okay? Don't leave us hanging, all right? Don't just pass through. Okay. Let's let's let's sit down, let's chit-chat for a while, okay? We want you to be a part of the community, okay? Join us, okay? Join us. We have a great time here talking about great things.

Listener Feedback And Posting Rhythm

SPEAKER_04 2:04

So I also would like to, in that same vein, acknowledge a listener who gave us a critique today. Would you, would you, you know who you are, you know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 2:13

We want you we want you to know because it's so critical. I want to make sure that if he's watching, I want him to know that we listen to listener feedback. We do, we do. Uh, one of my mentees, Mr. Dalen, uh uh critiqued us today because he noted that we don't uh post on the days that we usually post on. And he was like, Y'all getting a little, y'all getting a little slank. It's supposed to be Tuesdays and Fridays, and then on Tuesdays ain't nothing. Then you come in with a post on Thursday. Yeah, yeah, you know, he's so you know, we back on our regimen.

SPEAKER_04 2:51

We gonna be better. I take full responsibility for the one week we did that, Daylight, but that's fine. Like, thank you. You know, I'm saying I we ain't gonna make it no pattern, you know. Um, so thank you for calling us out. We do listen. So if y'all tell us something like, hey, get your act together, we getting our act together, guys. You know, sometimes it's just be a season and we just be going through. We be forgetting, you know what I'm saying?

Why We Re-Recorded This Talk

SPEAKER_00 3:13

We be forgetting, okay. I I like to remind people this really is a labor of love, okay? It's a labor of love, and when I say labor, I mean there are nights when we're coming in after long, long days, and we're like, all right, for the people, let's do it for the people. So don't do it. Everything we do is for the people. So we want to hear from you guys and continue to improve. Absolutely. So, Quita, um what we talk about today. Listen, okay, it's it's been said in these streets, okay. Hardwig soft life. Okay, that's what the streets is saying. Okay, the streets is saying that if you go out a certain way, that maybe you can attract someone that will invite you into the soft life. Now, listen, we are not here to give you tips and tricks. Nope. Okay, uh, to be to be moving forward into those endeavors, but we are here to millennial word unpack, okay. This idea of the man, we we went through a season where we loved an unpacking.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

Yeah, we did, boy godly.

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Unpacking seriously. Oh man. Okay, seriously. Um, but we, you know, we're here to talk about what is this soft life? Yeah, what are we what are we supposed to be going after? And and what does that look like for middle adults? And uh, okay, full transparency. Because what we hear from I was wondering if we was gonna tell the people go on the house.

SPEAKER_04 4:45

We're gonna tell the people for who it is. Guys, this is this is this is a good this is a good unlearning and ever set this for free. Hey, look, unlearn that just because you best friends don't mean you got to talk about stuff before you record. Hey, look, we know each other well, but sometimes, you know, we different. We different.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

We got a little, we got a little high and mighty. We was like, yo, man, turn the cameras on. Yeah, it's like we got it. And then we recorded an hour of us basically going back and forth, not on the same page, didn't not, and we don't always agree, nor do we feel like we have to necessarily agree, but there's a difference between disagreeing and being completely out of alignment, but also just like having a totally different conversation.

SPEAKER_04 5:35

We were having two different conversations in the same conversation, yeah, and it was like that's just confusing for everybody, and so we said, Hey, we gonna we gonna use our good good time on a Friday evening to re-record for y'all, yeah, so that it was not confusing, and we need to get on the same page, and so yeah, this is take two of this is a re-record.

SPEAKER_00 6:00

This is the re-recording. This is uh, you know, completely X out the draft. Okay, go ahead and let that other one go, and we we're gonna we because you know, I think what we both realized is that this was a little bit more important to both of us than we may have been able to convey in the last episode because we both were like kind of 10 toes down on what we were saying, and so that caused us to really say, okay, we need to maybe we need to go a little bit deeper on this, or maybe we need to think a little bit more intentionally about how we present this to an audience, yeah.

The Social Media Soft Life

SPEAKER_04 6:34

And so uh welcome to the re-record friends, and we're happy to bring it to you guys. So we are talking, we are going to uh discuss this soft life situation. So quick, all right. So I have my understanding of what culturally this is, yeah, but I'm also not always up to date on the cultural trends, which we all know. Yeah, I'm that's true. I am so Queen of who is more up to date, kind of flesh it out from a cultural like standpoint when it comes to what the surface level idea of this is, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:13

And so I think kind of like the real kind of preeminent image of it, like the if it we were looking at like a snapshot on Instagram of the soft life, like what does that include, right? And I think essentially, I think the first thing people are like, I don't want work, you know, like I it has a soft life includes a life. Again, this is the kind of the snapshot version of it. A soft life includes a life where the the luxuries, the the opportunities to travel get flued out, okay? Not travel that I'm paying for or running up credit card debt over, but travel that is that is uh uh financed. That's the soft life. It is a financed life of luxury. Okay. Nah, I'm pulling out my pocket, going through any extremes to make anything happen. Okay. The soft life is exactly as it sounds. It is a life that uh is without uh hard work, but still I can't say without hard work because I I think a lot of people will tell you there's a lot of ways to like, you know, work to get your soft life. Yeah, but I I do think that it is it is very much contingent upon the goal being luxury, access, opportunities, and not just luxury like having really nice experiences, but luxury of having the 1% experiences, you know, of getting to go to the places and do the things. I think the the cultural reference to me that resonates the most with like the soft life motif is the movie Just Right and Paula Python's character, um, who's like, I'm trying to become an NBA wife and oh look, she got the new bag, nobody has that bag, you know, like and like when she got access to that life, she was like living on top of the world, everything was like Instagram picture ready. We were just, you know, living, but then when something hard happened, she was like, This is not the life I signed up for, signed up for the soft life, not the real one. And so I think culturally, when we think about just kind of again with the snapshot of the soft life, not how it looks for everyone, but how it's portrayed, right? I think I think that that kind of resonates with me as the most kind of like stark picture of it.

SPEAKER_04 9:46

And I think when we what we want to juxtapose it against and what what we think is important, one of the things we think is important to unlearn is that that does not um that like that is not a picture that has to fit with everyone. It's not necessarily a bad picture, but I think we would both include like we would both agree that it's not it's not a complete picture. Um and but it's also doesn't have to be your picture. However, when those images are what you see on a regular basis, sometimes it feels like we need to adopt it as ours. And so we begin to pursue a life that really is not truly authentic or aligned with who we really are, but because that's in our minds, when we hear that language, soft life culturally, we find ourselves in a in in uh creating rhythms towards something that in the end we're not really that committed to.

SPEAKER_00 10:44

Yeah, and I think that it causes us, I think, on that journey to have what are essentially things, right? Like it might be experiences, but it's experiences surrounding things, it's experiences surrounding um titles and surrounding uh opportunities, and not necessarily it's very focused on the doing and not the becoming. Um, and I think that you can't truly have, and I think this is what Paula Patton's character in that movie, I think her name was Morgan in the movie, just so I don't keep putting that on her as a person. But Morgan, right, right, right. Paula Patton, right, but Morgan in the movie, you know, I think that that was something that uh that was part of a journey that was going to be necessary for her to go on, was you don't get the soft life without the real, right? It doesn't matter how you got there, it doesn't matter how hard your wig was, okay, that got you into however, whatever persons who and how or how deep the pockets are. If you are not authentic, if the life is not authentic to who you are and and aligned with not just what you want to do, but but how you want to show up in the world, what you want your impact to be, um, uh what you're trying to build that last past, the moment you're in, then you're gonna find yourself hitting some real some when the storms hit, you're not gonna be able to navigate past those. And when life doesn't feel soft anymore, or when you realize that money can buy a lot of things, but it can't buy you purpose, it can't buy you a sense of self, a sense of identity, and that that's still a pursuit that you're on, you're still gonna have to do the self-work.

Values Over Aesthetic And Image

SPEAKER_04 12:32

Yeah. And and it's it's a good, you know, I think this is something because of the because of the exposure we have um to other people's worlds, that we do need to continue to like on a regular basis unlearn for culture to define our own futures. Like culture shouldn't define your future. Um and so that is, and so with when and so with that, like we have and should have what we define if we we use this cultural definition of a this cultural word, a soft life, but that doesn't mean that culture defines that for me. Um I think that you know, if if I'm if I'm looking at my life that I have now, you know, it's a different life than I had before I was married. I would say that before I was married, I probably would have said that I was living some version of a soft life. I didn't, it's not that that wasn't that wasn't the language back then, but like um it's like I I there was I had I'd done a lot of things, I accomplished a lot of things, I wasn't drowning in debt. I I could do most things I wanted to do and all this stuff. And so now from the outside looking in, was I fine first class and had designer bags and could take a trip out of the country whenever I wanted. No, I also don't care about that stuff. Like, you know, that's not who I am. So it's not so if if I had found myself trying to match a lifestyle that wasn't for me, I would have found myself making my life harder, trying to pursue a cultural reality that was not aligned with who I am. Even and and so like this soft life that other people would maybe equate to that, it wasn't mine. And it's okay because then my life was my life, and I and I enjoyed it. And I would say that same thing even today. We're in a position where we we like it's a we're blessed, like um, and I'm grateful for that. It's we don't live in a mansion, we don't live, you know, we don't have all the nice stuff, you know. With that's but that's also just not who we are. Um that's not it's not a it's not a part of our value system. So it just it goes back to understanding, and we talk about all the time who you are, being self-aware, being honest with that, understanding your values, making sure that your lifestyle is aligned with your values, and that is what gets you towards this path of what a soft life looks like. It's not about culture, you have to be aligned with you, otherwise, nothing will be soft about it.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

You know, I think it's so interesting that when uh I'm thinking about the movie Pursuit of Happiness, and I and I'm I'm thinking about how we kind of phrase this as like the pursuit of the American dream, right? Like it's very singular, as if everyone is trying to attain the same thing, you know. And while I do think that there is, of course, we could talk all day about the social disenfranchisement of how some have been more uh uh how some have been pushed a little bit more in attaining that dream than others and given more access in attaining that dream. I really feel like what also has been missing in that conversation is how that dream can be expanded within our families and with within our within our communities. Um, because I I look at my own family and I look at like some of the advances and some of the things that my mom has done that has put her in a better position, that has allowed her to, you know, have her own dreams and goals that she's attained and to create security for my sister and I. And, you know, to have not just what she needs, but what she wants, you know, and to dream, and and at every step of her life, she's been able to dream past that point to the next step. And I think the bigger issue when it comes to the soft life, you know, there are people in my life who would try to make the argument, okay, that I've entered into some imaginary bougie era, okay, where, you know, they think that they think that, you know, whereas before I may have not spent money on things or done things in a particular way, but now I'm just like throw it in the bag. This is completely not entirely true. Throw it in the bag. That's hilarious. Just throw it in the bag, okay? No, we're absolutely not there. I just want to be clear. That's not quite where I am fully, right? But I I do recognize that there was a a season where a door opened for me. And I think on one of them podcasts, right, we were talking, and I said, and I literally said, Hey, I've learned to live the life of lack. Yes. Okay, I have mastered, you know, being abase, and now it's time for me to learn how to be abound. It's time, I want to learn the life of abundance. Yeah. Right. And I think that in my introduction to, you know, scratching the surface, you know, scratch, very much scratching the surface, but very much in a better position than I was before. Um, you know, there are things that, you know, me and Ruth Abigail are very different here. You know, everything that she talked about of not wanting things and the we don't need a mansion. Who who don't need a mansion? Who don't who don't need the nice things? Who, who, okay, Gucci Versace me. Okay. I don't have any of that now, but I promise you, when it's time, I will, okay. But you know, but I one of the things that I had to learn, even as I'm like moving forward in my life, that there were things that the Lord literally instructed me, like, I want you to do this differently. And the first thing that the Lord told me was, hey, keep your nails done. Like, go get your nails done. And at first I was like, oh yeah, that would make me feel better. I love getting my nails done. But now it's like, it's part of me, you know, because that's part of my soft life. That's part of me enjoying a luxury that when I was broke, okay. I I bought the little uh the little nail kit, the little, and it was in there trying to do the little dip nails, like, oh, I'm gonna make this work. So and they looked terrible and they lasted two days. But but that was something that always brought me joy. And when I was able to, it's something that I I absolutely like my nail tech knows she's gonna see me every three weeks. Like, hey girl, put me on the books because I'm coming, right? And and having the ability to go from a place of where I'm in here trying to DIY it, right, and doing a completely terrible job of it, to being able to move to a space where like I can make me and what's important to me a part of my budget. Right. Like that's a step toward the soft life. Um, and I think that in our kind of fast track culture, we don't really, we don't really acknowledge our appreciate the steps. Yeah, we're just like I have not arrived until I own a yacht, until I own a private jet. I'm not there. And and you gotta appreciate the journey.

Abundance Looks Different For Everyone

SPEAKER_04 20:44

And I and I speaking of, okay, so let's let's kind of lean into that because I think that's important. Um the different elements of the journey and and what what that can look like. And I think that um there are different and doesn't and and all I don't think I don't ever I would say everybody's path towards your own version of this life is very different. Yeah. And uh, and that's something that we we have to acknowledge. But I think everybody does have a path, like you said, there is a journey, it's not just I jump from here to here overnight. Most of the time that's not the case. Um and so I think that the journey, uh, one of the things that your journey probably includes is this idea of uh identifying and breaking down barriers towards it. Um and so we we've talked about this principle before of mindset. Um I think we did a few episodes ago, if it's yeah, uh, I believe. So uh we talked about mindset in a lot of ways uh in this, if you've been listening to this at all. But that can be a barrier for for people is is even is is the Mindset of having a more abundant life is like you know, you we have to begin to break those barriers down. And there are three particular barriers that I think uh a lot of people struggle with breaking down that are really difficult. Um, first is a knowledge barrier. Sometimes I just don't know. Like I just don't know. Um and sometimes, and of course, we don't know who we don't know. The second thing, or what we don't know, the second thing is an access barrier. I may know, but I can't get it. Um, or I don't know how to get it. And the third barrier, which is a larger barrier to tackle, is like systemic or historical barriers. And those are a lot, those are those are a lot of times that's not a single pursuit, like that's a communal pursuit that we have to acknowledge. Um, and often a generational pursuit that we have to acknowledge. That is not something that happens quickly. And so with your knowledge barrier, I think the question we got to ask ourselves is what do I not know? And well, what do I know? Let me say that because I think that's like, hey, let's let's start with assets. Let's start with what what's what we can use. What do I know? And then when you and then asking yourself, who has what who has a life that I may want to attain or may want to um adhere, uh not attain, uh, what's the one I look for, Quita? Who has a life that I may want to emulate or um you know imitate in some sort of way? And get yourself around those people because they can tell you what you don't know.

SPEAKER_01 23:47

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:48

And so knowledge is is is first identifying what you know, then you have to get around people who can tell you what you don't know.

SPEAKER_02 23:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:55

Um, access, okay, once you get around those people, what do what do I what can I not grasp that they can help me get to?

SPEAKER_02 24:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:04

Um, you know, what what ways and what what is what can they get that I can't, and how can they help me to get there? And then the systems thing, I think one of the this is a really hard one. It's a really hard solution. Again, this is something that is not individually pursued. You have to do it together. But what systems do I currently have to deal with that are creating barriers towards this ideal life? Is it a financial system? Is it a um educational system? Uh is it, you know, it what what kind of system is it? Like what is it? Is it, you know, what is the system that I keep hitting the wall against that also that is like I can't seem to get past this for whatever reason. And then you have to a lot of times like as a community, we have to be willing to move as one to then shift that system. Um because some of us slip through the cracks, and that's great, but most of us don't. Um and slipping through the cracks, great for that person, for the individual, that's cool. You know what I'm saying? Like you slip through the cracks, meaning like we, you know, for some of us, it's like, yeah, I landed, you know, it's that mentality of which I don't ascribe to, it's the mentality of like I don't uh like if I could do it, you could do it. That's not always true. You know, if you've done it, that's not always true that somebody else could just do it the way you've done it, because there are nuances there. And so some people have have a nuanced situation that can't be replicated and that didn't do anything about the other nine people behind you who the door closed on. That's what I mean. You know what I'm saying? And then you and then you go off and do your own thing, and the other nine people like, hey, I want to get in too. Well, do what I did. Open the door. Open the door.

SPEAKER_00 26:14

My Lord.

SPEAKER_04 26:15

But you but you haven't done it. So what so what systems are preventing you? What is it? And it's not, and I don't think that is an excuse thing. We can't use that as an excuse, but it's a reality. And then communally and generationally, let's begin to tackle that.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

Yeah.

Barriers: Knowledge Access And Systems

SPEAKER_04 26:34

Um, you know, I think with the financial system thing, uh, the group Earn Your Leisure is a really good example of how they're doing that for the Black community. Like they are trying to educate people on a financial system and and um wealth-building uh solutions to help as a community and a generation us to break that cycle of um of financial hardship that a lot of us have to have to navigate. That is an example, right, of the what they're doing. They have figured it out and they're giving it back. Right. So, like I think those those to me are some real barriers we have to acknowledge towards a lot of people's versions of their soft life, is it knowledge, access, or systems. And you need to be sure, you need to, there are ways to go about it. Um, it could be all three, could be one, could be two, but be real about it. And and that's and that's not something that we should take lightly.

Mentorship Versus Generic How-Tos

SPEAKER_00 27:39

I think that that's so important. Like, and and you know, I think the the thing is is that a lot of times we we try to tell people what we did, but we don't communicate why we did. Absolutely. My situation may not completely uh match yours, and I may need the wisdom of why you did it so that I can apply it in a way that makes sense for me. Um, and I think that we have a lot of how-tos, you know, like how to how to how to build your finances in 10 days, how to fix your credit score, you know, and you know, like every there's there's so many how-to's, you know, everybody is is trying to give you the manual, but I think real wisdom sharing does not happen in a style that is just information sharing. Wisdom sharing and information sharing are different. Like, in order to really pass down information that someone can apply, you you have to put in the work as a mentor or as a as a person that is trying to convey to someone how to or trying to motivate someone to move differently. You got to spend the time with them. You know, I recently just did some sessions on dreams and goals and helping college students and graduate students to really think through how am I navigating moving from my now to my next. And the one thing that I told them was you cannot, you're gonna get to a point where you can't go any higher, and you're going to need a mentor because mentors invest in potential. And an investment does not look like, hey, you know, here's some resources. Be well. That's not the investment, yeah. Right? An investment is it, it is intimate, it is, it is vulnerable, it is a place where I'm really looking at your life as a whole and not at just the one thing that I know about you. And we try to give people a lot of wisdom based off of the one thing that we know about them. Um, and it causes people not to trust uh the people that they're getting information from, or it causes people to kind of take tidbits from 10 million different places, trying to build a plan or build a structure for how they're gonna move forward. And I think in this pursuit of the soft life, it's, you know, because there is a lot of, you know, I'm thinking about, and you guys will have to excuse me because I am writing a dissertation on black women in mentorship and and how we use our stories and our narratives to kind of share wisdom. And I I when you think about where where different communities are situated right now in this historical moment, okay, I there is just a sense of we tired. Like we're not doing it. And I, you know, I've had so many conversations with other people in this PhD process with me, other people who are, especially those of us that work in higher ed, shout out to y'all. I see y'all. I know it's about to be May. I know we're tired, okay, but we gonna, we we pushing toward the end of this this year, okay? Let's just let's keep going strong, right? But but there, I but that is probably who I have had the most conversations with about this, you know, like where you get to a point where you're like, is pursuing purpose worth all of the effort, all of the energy, all of the time that I've had to commit to it, or should I just be pursuing a soft life? Right? Like, should I and and and the soft life becomes juxtaposed against your pursuit of purpose? It's like I could continue doing the hard things of giving back and serving and mentoring and pouring and all of these things, or I could pursue the life where I'm not accountable or responsible to anyone, where I, you know, get a get money, maybe raise some children and cook and clean, you know, like, and not that that's not necessarily the soft life, but it's because the life that we're in currently feels so challenging, where you get to a point where you say, I don't want to work anymore. And and the wisdom that is getting shared with you from older generations is bear through it. You know, I literally had somebody today, it took everything in me, not to roll my eyes, Ruth Abigail, not this particular person, but it took everything in me. Because, you know, I was they were talking with me and they were like, hey, you know, you got any prospects? Where the prospects at? And then they was like, you know, they say the man's supposed to find the wife, you know, and I was just like, I believe in the Bible, uh, just like anybody, you know what I'm saying? I'm 10 toes down, and and I follow this word, I believe every bit of this word, but I feel like this is a generational nugget that has kept women from like even like uh looking like they're looking for somebody. Like, and so we look unfindable. We done now we stuck in the house. We ain't going nowhere and we ain't talking to nobody because we're waiting to be found. And y'all told us that he was gonna come creeping up somewhere, and one day we were gonna be found. And now you have a generation of women who are like lies were told, lies were told, but in this wisdom sharing from kind of one generation to the next, or one group of people to the next, we've lost the whys. Yeah, we we we've lost the context, and so I don't know. I feel like I said a lot.

Seasons Change Your Soft Life

SPEAKER_04 33:41

One of the things what I've I've shared this, I'm sure I'm sharing a million times. It's one of my favorite quotes by a philosopher, um, unknown. I do not know his name, I don't know that anybody does, but um, he said that uh uh children are great interpreters. No, children are great imitators of their fathers, but terrible interpreters. And I think that that speaks to what you're saying. We are very good at copying behavior, but we don't know why our the people that we are seeing the behavior from do are doing that behavior. Yes, and so what happens is if all you do is copy it, you will never sustain it. And you also because you can't just keep doing something and not know why you're doing it, you won't keep doing it. Yeah, um, and their why is not your why. So, and oftentimes the why will modify the behavior, and some of our behaviors need to be modified. Like we do not need to behave in the same ways as previous generations, but because we we see it, we do it. And that's that's unwise. To your point, it's unwise. And I think that you know, um as you're pursuing whatever your version of the soft life is, the the first you gotta ask yourself why why do I want this life? Uh why why am I going hard after this? Um because if you don't know that, you won't stay on the path. And then you'll get frustrated when you don't make it. And that's and then it can be dejecting. And so I think it's important to really like sit with that and again, don't let culture dictate that for you, man. Like figure it out, like spend some real time with yourself and say, like, hey, this is why. Um, this is why I want this to be a part of my life. And then understand. I think the other thing we have to we have to unlearn about this is that I think I think our soft life gets redefined at different seasons of life. Talk about it, right? Talk about it. And I feel like the soft life that I would have maybe had in my head 20 years ago is different than the soft life that I have in my head now. It's different than when I was before I was married, then after I'm married. It's different before we have children to after we have children. It's different when those children then leave and now it's back to the two of you, right? Or the one of you, whoever, what whoever still existed at that point, right? It's different. And so also don't get attached to the soft life that you see right now in your mind. Or and so understanding that your circumstances, status of life, seasons of life will oftentimes shift that for you. And that's okay, but that's that's again why the why is so so important.

SPEAKER_01 36:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 36:50

Because now you understand what the real motivation is for pursuing all those different versions.

SPEAKER_00 36:56

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 36:57

You know what I'm saying?

Work Alignment And Real Rest

SPEAKER_00 36:58

No, I know exactly what you're saying, my sister. Um, but not necessary, but okay. Uh, you know, I I I one thing that I'm really processing through right now is kind of like how my ways of work are changing um and how necessary it is to be aligned, you know. Listen, all right. I've been in middle management for a good little minute right now, you know, and I love middle management. You know, you do a good job. You do a good job. Listen, I I believe in middle management. I really do. Um, I went from a role where I was supervising a team and uh really doing more coaching, mentoring, vision setting, um, and and and and really kind of breaking down ideas and moving the mission of a team forward to a role that is a little bit more administrative and a little bit more um, I don't know, like every day I get to kind of decide what what this role looks like. It has a great impact, but it's not team-based, it's not coaching mentoring based. Um, and so as I'm thinking through kind of like where I want my career trajectory to be, I realize that I am not the executor that I was in my early 30s. I am not the A, I'm about to go out here and we're about to program all night, okay, until all of these students feel a sense of belonging, okay? I'm in these programming streets all day with you, okay? What what the program in at midnight? Let's roll, okay, because I believe that every student deserves an opportunity to have a sense of belonging. And I do very much still believe in that. And I do still very much want to be connected as I help the people who are doing those roles to execute and to you know have vision and to strengthen their resolve about that. But when I think about the salt life for me, okay, my almost 40-year-old self just ain't finna be out here till midnight. No, we ain't doing it. Not not every week. No, we ain't doing it. Not every week. And so I think what I'm more focused on in my upcoming season is how do I continue? I want to be as purposeful and as impactful and as aligned as possible, right? Like I want to make sure that I'm giving everything that's in me to give now while recognizing that it is very different than what I gave, you know, even five, six years ago. Like, you know, based off of how I've grown, based off of who I know myself to uh to be in this moment, like this Draquita is packed with a lot more to offer than what the Draquita of yesterday was. And in order to operate fully in the space that I'm headed to, I have to be in a place where I'm I'm a visionary, where I where I'm an overseer, where I'm a coach, where I'm a mentor, where I'm a and so, yes, still middle management, but at an elevated level, right? And so even in just thinking about that, when I think about the soft life, the first thing that comes to mind for me, because I will tell you that if you had asked me about the soft life a year ago, I'd have been like, I don't need to work. Okay. Um, and and just put me on a nice, nice fluffy couch, okay, and I will learn to cook whatever okay this person requires because you know, soft life previously did include a man with a lot of money. Sure. Um, but I now recognize that you know we can wealth build together. There you go. Amen. Amen. We can build together. I just don't want to invite just anybody to this party, but just make sure you're coming ready to build. Absolutely. That you already got it. You know what I'm saying? You know, welcome to apply. Okay. But you know, I just think that it's just so necessary that you know what alignment looks like for you in this season of your life, you know, like it and this season of my life, alignment looks like I get what I buy what I need, right? Like, yeah, you know, like there was a time where I couldn't buy nothing. I you know, I I mean uh producer Joy recently went on a little birthday trip, you know, to the beautiful island of Honolulu, and you know, we had a great time. And there was just a moment on that trip where I was just like, I have never felt this relaxed, you know, it must be Hawaii, it must be the waves, it must be the beautiful weather. And Joy was like, that's because you're used to taking trips and not vacations. Right. And and she was right. Normally, I'm I normally I'm usually driving somewhere because I like having my car and I like to pack a lot and I like to have all my stuff with me. Okay. But I I uh but in this month, usually when I'm going on a trip, I'm going to visit somebody's house, okay, and we're just there for a few days on a on a on a on a mission, right? Like, hey, we just here together for these few days to do this thing, right? I had not really been on a vacation that the whole purpose was for me to relax. And so I had never felt that for myself. And I would like to say, now that I've experienced it, I don't plan on stopping. I don't plan on going backwards. Okay, I absolutely plan on experiencing more vacations, okay, and not just trips. I absolutely plan on continuing to get my nails done, okay, nails done, hair done, every not everything, but you know, the things that are important to me. Because, you know, I listen, I got a budget. It's a line item. I can't just be floating that line item, you know, but but I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm I'm taking everything in my life to the next level. Um, and so that that comes with a requirement that I that I am aligned, that I know myself, that I know what's important to me. And what's important to me is not important to Ruth Abigail.

SPEAKER_04 43:30

Not at all, not at all, not at all. I have I have my nail journey has come up. You were getting your nails done consistently before me.

SPEAKER_00 43:39

I was okay. Ruth don't play, you know. She goes and get that little color. I'd be like, look at her with a little yellow for very different reasons, though.

SPEAKER_04 43:52

Like, I get my nails done for different reasons. I I that's that's like my version of the spa, right, honestly. Like it is relaxing. I enjoy the place I go. The woman who does them is like my big sister. We always chop it up and she pours into me. And it it's not it's not it ain't the same. Like, I mean, I will go, my nails come out looking good, but I didn't necessarily go there for my nails to look good. I went there for other reasons. You know what I'm saying?

SPEAKER_00 44:24

So I just, you know. Everything has to be practical with Ruth Abigail. I mean, that's true. Practical reason that I need to be in here.

Time Flexibility As True Wealth

Why You Cannot Skip Steps

SPEAKER_04 44:32

It's just a perk. It's a perk. And I love it. But that is like, it is important for me to show up to spaces that fulfill me. And so part of the soft life for me is having that free having the freedom to do that. And so, you know, again, like again, we have talked about before, just like, how do you, and a lot for a lot of us, that's really um the freedom comes tied to work, career, like making sure that those things uh you have you have freedom within that context uh to do the things that you want to do. It's hard, you it's hard to when you when you're trapped and you don't have that kind of freedom, it's hard to pursue certain things. And so I just remember that like my soft life has it's not about the amount of money I make for me. Now that ain't that ain't the case for everybody. It is not about the amount of money, it's about my time. I'm willing to take less to have more time. And I have always I've been that way for years. I remember telling a former former boss of mine, hey, you don't have to worry about giving me a raise as long as you keep letting me do what I like have flexibility in my schedule. And you know, that doesn't mean I feel you, hey, that ain't for everybody. That's cool, but again, I don't need I don't, I my values are not tied to material stuff, so I was like, hey, I don't need money for stuff like that. I got enough money to live, I'm cool. I want to be able to move where I want to move when I'm gonna move. I want to be able to get connected and involved in things I want to get connected and involved in outside of my day-to-day, and I want to have the flexibility to do that. And if if if if paying me double means I don't get that kind of flexibility, I'll keep, I'll keep, I'll keep it. You keep that, keep it. I want this. So that and I know that sounds like double and the flexibility. I understand that. I want it all, and of course, you can of course, if if that's the pay, if that's the case, cool. But the reality is a lot of times you have to choose because it's like people who the more you invest in people, the more you go inspect from them. That's just the truth. And so it's like, hey, if I'm not ready to do that, then I want to have the flexibility to choose. So anyway, I think that it's important to understand yourself. Um, so there's a quote, a lot of y'all have heard it, I'm sure. Jilly from Philly, one of my one of our favorites, but um yeah, Jill Scott was on a podcast or interview, whatever she was doing, and she made this quote went viral. It's the quote, and we kind of live by this. You work hard in your 20s, you work smart in your 30s, you work how you want to in your 40s. That's where we are, amen. I'm not in my 40s yet. No, no, that's where we're headed. I wouldn't talk about I'm just saying, you know, you work how you want to. We can cut out in your 40s part, but you work how you want to, amen. You work when you want to in your 50s, my Lord, and you work if you want to in your 60s, if you want to. Hey, all to in order to have that, to I mean, and she didn't she didn't say this, but to me, that is a version of a soft life. That is a great picture of what your soft life of the journey to towards your soft life. But even in the midst of that journey, there are elements of a soft life. To be able to say I work smart in my 30s and don't have to work hard, that's a part of a soft life. You know what I'm saying? And so I think that that is very, I think we have to, I think we have to just like understand each each each element of that includes soft life behavior. Um and it also is a part of the journey to say, okay, you work hard in your 20s. Now, this might be a little controversial, but that's okay. Yeah, I know I'm cool with it. There are a lot of people in their 20s now that want to not have to work hard. Let's just be honest. It's like I want my soft life in my 60s and my 20s. And in my humble opinion, that ain't reality. Like, it's not reality, nor is it even healthy. I would I would say it's not a healthy pursuit. Um, you are you're we're designed for purpose, for work. That's what we're designed to do. You we're not designed to just sit around and just let life happen to us. Um, but it's like you have an opportunity to grind in your 20s. That is not a bad thing. It doesn't mean grind forever, but you have an opportunity to do it. And if you take the opportunity in your 20s, then you can move forward to work smarter in your 30s. But what we want, but what we I think what culture presents to a lot of young adults is you don't have to do that, you can have that right now. But what happens is become an influencer and your life change overnight. Overnight. And you could do it, you don't have to do all that hard stuff right now. But the problem is, if you if you s if you if you skip those steps, you have to ask yourself, okay, if I get this life in my 20s that most people get in their 50s and 60s, what am I do for the next 70 years of my life? What does that look like? For real. I mean, like, what am I gonna do now? Like, yeah, and and so you haven't practiced the principle of pathways, you don't know what that is. Yeah, and so now the life that you think you were gonna have when barriers come up and they will, when challenges come up and they will, when shifts of life happen and they will, you some you won't know how to manage it, yeah, because you didn't pursue managing those things early on, yeah. And so I would I would argue don't pursue something before you have the foundation to handle it, because you don't yet.

SPEAKER_00 51:16

That's just the truth, time matters, like low key, low-key, you you you 100% on it because I think that the the the journey of self-awareness that you go on in your 20s is based on really based on the level of investment that you put into that work. Like you have to, you gotta, you gotta give it your all. You got you, and I I hate to use this language, but it's just the truth. You gonna have to pay your dues. You gonna you nobody gets to nobody gets to get on the train and they ain't pay that ticket. And those of you that hopped the gate, you get what I'm saying? Like, the cops are running for you now, right? Right? You cheated the system. It's like I don't know if anybody saw the movie Soul, where you know that that one little spirit spent all his time looking for him because he like he messed up my count. Okay, don't set yourself, you cannot cheat your way into the soft life. Yeah, no, you cannot, you cannot cheat your way into having this life of abundance and have you have to you have to make the investment of learning who you are and learning a the ways that you contribute. And I think that that's part of the bigger conversation is that there's so there are people who are so focused on what they can get out of the system and not what they're supposed to give. And in any healthy relationship with anybody or anything, there has to be a give and take. I I have to know what it is that I'm gaining from my association with you, just like I have to be clear about what it is that I give, right? And I think that we are we are, as a person who works in higher ed and has done so for almost 15 years, right? Like that is a a heavy task for those of us that work with youth and young adults, is to prepare them not to just be takers, but to also figure out what is your what is your meaning, what is your value, what are you gonna give back? Yes. How how are you beginning to understand who you are and where you fit in the context of a place that you can serve people, systems, processes, change, uh, movements. Like you gotta be a part of this. And when we look at, and I have told groups of young people consistently, I'm like, when we look through history, it was the young people who shifted the narrative of history. It was the young people who were doing the hard work of calling things out and forcing things to change and and doing whatever they had to do to flip narratives, right? And to and to contribute. It was the it was, you know, George Washington Carver out there with the peanuts, you know, it was the abolitionists, it was the it was, you know, everyone that you respect, that you, you know, listen to in history. Y'all all saw Hamilton, right? They were young, they were some they were some teenagers, some some young adults, you know, changing the entire narrative of the country, right? And and you do not get to use your 20s to just become rich. No, I'm not saying that you can't. I hope that you do. Yeah, I I I listen, I am invested in you getting everything you need before I got it, because it took me way too long. Okay, it took me way too long, right? I I'm fully invested in you uh reaching statuses that I didn't reach until much later because I am gonna reach it. I ain't gonna say reach statuses I never reached, okay, because I'm trying to get there too. We all we all going. Okay, you're just gonna get there at a younger age, but I'm gonna get there too. Okay, just you tell equidum.

SPEAKER_04 55:13

Amen.

SPEAKER_00 55:14

Talk about those things which be not as though they were. All right. But you know, I think that I think that we have to be intentional about telling them the truth of what it takes. You know, I uh watch a lot of influences. One of my favorites is Kev on Stage, you know. He is, you know, really, really popping right now. But I was there in the beginning when he was just putting out content consistently, and he still does. He has not slacked off of that, right? Like he has not slacked off with his consistency, he has not slacked off in his work ethic, he has not slacked off in his ability to relate and communicate and to stay current. He has not slacked off, and the reason he has not slacked off is because when he was young, he found an alignment with who he was supposed to be and what his lane was. And he stayed in that lane and he just gets better and better and better in his lane. You have to do the work of finding your lane.

SPEAKER_04 56:11

You do, you have to do it. Period. You have to do it, you have to do it, you have to do it, and and and the the season of life, a great season of life to do that is in your 20s and to just go after it. Go on.

SPEAKER_00 56:26

You gotta do something in your 30s too, just to be clear.

Build Your Lane And Stamina

SPEAKER_04 56:28

No, you're gonna do it. No, no, that's still young adult territory, but you just have to, but you have to start, you gotta get after it. And and you know, it's it really is like the expectation of, you know, which is it's just hard to, it's hard, it's hard to, or it's easy to to have this mentality of like, you know, uh people who are married under five years expecting their marriage to be like people who have been married for 40. Like like it's not it's not the same. You you've you you could mimic all the things you see, but time, time, like time matters. So the time that you take to build a foundation early on in the journey of your life as a young adult is going to that's I think that's why Kev on stage can keep can still do what he's doing now. He is he took the time to build a foundation to manage that kind of rhythm.

SPEAKER_01 57:23

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 57:23

And so, and it hasn't broken him. But think about if he started that rhythm now.

SPEAKER_00 57:29

My lord.

SPEAKER_04 57:30

Now it's it's just you know, and and had never done it before and anything else.

SPEAKER_01 57:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 57:35

Right. So it's like, hey, that's not that's not ideal. Not to say it can't happen, but it's not ideal. So if you have the opportunity now to build up your stamina, start the rhythm of of the of the of the good habits, of the discipline, of the of the making harder choices, um, you know, doing all those things, learning what you need to learn, being around the right community. Start that rhythm now.

SPEAKER_02 58:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:00

Um, the grind, start it now. You will grind looks different as you get older. It very much looks different, but there's still levels of exhaustion, there's still levels of energy that you have to give, but it looks different. So don't assume that the grind is not the grind, but it's a different grind. But if you don't, if you don't focus on the grind you're in now, you'll never get to that different grind.

SPEAKER_01 58:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 58:28

And so I think just owning where you are, don't try to don't try to jump because you see what the outcome looks like for other people when they're there. They're there doesn't is not your there, so hold on. And and just work your way to where you're supposed to be when you're supposed to be there. And I think again, don't let culture define that for y'all. Like, please don't do it. We've all had we've all had those moments where we've had to fight against ourselves and against what we see. Like we we've all we've all been there, and but I think you know, us sitting here today uh what can can can attest to that ain't the way to go. It don't work. Uh, and so we want to encourage you to be aligned with your values, who you are, figure it out. Figure it out, yeah. Figure it out, get aligned, and then start your journey.

SPEAKER_01 59:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 59:35

And don't skip steps.

Capacity Community And Taking Inventory

SPEAKER_00 59:37

Don't don't skip steps. At the end of the day, and I, you know, I say this knowing that I there are there are journeys that I know that are different. I will say, um, recently I was, I say recently, last night, I was on a panel um that was really for uh professionals to give advice to uh students who were near or close to graduation and going into their first careers. Um and they one of the questions asked was, you know, if you had, you know, what traits would you name are the most important for someone just entering into their field? And so many of us said, be teachable, be coachable, you know. And I will say that what I am noticing is that the people who go hard, and I think I actually said this last night, was that it is not the person who has the most ability that goes the furthest. It's it's not the person who's the most capable, it is the person who is the most surrendered. It is the person because that is the person ultimately who's gonna get the most out of me as a supervisor, right? If you just come in and you're like, oh, I'm good at this and I can do this, and I got this, da-da-da-da-da, and you get the job done, and I okay, thank you for doing the job. But if you come in, I had one employee who came in consistently, and you know, I met with all of my team once a week, and he came in consistently and said, This is what I'm doing, and he was doing a fabulous job. This is what I'm doing. What can I do to be better? You know, how can I go further? You know, this is then he would start saying, you know, this is what I want to do, this is where I want to go, this is what I'm hoping my next would be. You know, what do I need to start changing and thinking differently of now to get to where I'm trying to go? Not just where I am, but but where I'm hoping to be. And that brought out a different level of wisdom sharing and coaching and guiding from me that allowed me to give him more. And it wasn't because I liked him more or because I believed in him more. He was more open and had not more capability, but more capacity. And as a person in your 20s, you need to be focused on increasing your capacity and not just your capabilities.

SPEAKER_04 1:02:10

1000%, boy. That ain't that ain't the most important thing, man. Because you'll you can't move forward and grow with low capacity, you can't do it. You can't look listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen, listen. You can't do it. I've tried, it's not possible. Like you won't make it, yeah, and you won't make it. And so the man, oh man, growing your capacity is everything. Grow your capacity, and oftentimes that means, and we talk about this in depth another time, but oftentimes growing your capacity means you grow your community. If your community ain't changing, your capacity will remain the same. I've I've seen it so much. You cannot hold everything yourself, you can't do it. And if you don't have the right people around you to hold things with you, it's a wrap.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:06

And you really gotta be really intentional about. I mean, listen, we want to carry everybody with us, okay? Abraham did that, he carried a lot with him, and you know, if you'd like to know more about how that story uh went, hit me hit us in the comments. Be happy to talk about it.

SPEAKER_04 1:03:23

You can go to Genesis 12 and just, you know, you can read it.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:26

Yeah, read the story of Abraham. But you know, but you you carried he carried a lot with him. I just my pastor recently said that. Oh, wee, that was good. No, it wasn't even mine. I ain't I ain't even trying to, you know. But it's we want to take everything that we've been carrying all this time, and um and we want to take everything that we've been carrying and and and keep it with us. But the community that you left or the community that that got you to one place may not be the community that gets you to the next. And I'm not telling you to drop people, but I'm telling you you need to reframe and and restructure. Reclassify.

SPEAKER_04 1:04:10

Reclassify.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:11

Reclassify, thank you. You need to reclassify how you are situating people in your ear, right? Who who's influencing you? And and take take some real looks at because the fruit of my life is ultimately what I have to share. Well, I I could be talking to you about something, but where do you see the fruit of that in my life? Yeah, that's right. Make sure, make sure you're eating from the right fruit. Amen. And I listen, I'm gonna leave that for everybody to individually judge. Do do what do do y'all do your work?

SPEAKER_04 1:04:53

But you need to you need to take inventory. You do, you have to take inventory. Um, we're starting to go down a direction we probably need to start a new podcast for. Because I can't feel that. I feel like we're moving, but I think it's relevant, and I think we probably should just do another episode on this because it's it's man, it's crazy, it's so it's so relevant. Yo, capacity is so relevant. Anyway, okay.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:14

We could take this Jill Scott quote and do like oh, we could do like a freaking series on it, y'all.

Closing Thoughts And Stay Connected

SPEAKER_04 1:05:19

It's crazy. I love it. I love it. Um, all right, y'all. I think we're done. Uh we love doing this. Thank you for rocking with us and this labor of love and for this um, if if I may say, uh, you know, 180 in in in conversation and take two. Amen. Um, oh yeah, no, this is 10 times better. No, no, no. Y'all would listen to that folks. Like, what? It's not even it's not even comparable. Um, so uh we are we're gonna we're gonna see y'all next week. Uh but until then, let's keep unlearning together so we can experience more freedom. We love Y'all. Peace.

SPEAKER_03 1:06:07

Thank you once again for listening to the Unlearned Podcast. We would love to hear your comments and your feedback about the episode. Feel free to follow us on Facebook and Instagram and to let us know what you think. We're looking forward to the next time when we are able to unlearn together to move forward towards freedom. See you then.