She's Brave Podcast - Kristina Driscoll

How to be Resilient in Crisis: Author Tassin Joy’s Brave Journey

September 12, 2023 Kristina Driscoll with Tassin Smith Episode 51
She's Brave Podcast - Kristina Driscoll
How to be Resilient in Crisis: Author Tassin Joy’s Brave Journey
Show Notes Transcript

In this episode, you will be able to:

  • Grasp the importance of internal fortitude and resilience in crisis periods.
  • Gain insights into the difficulties and dynamics of coping with a loved one's addiction.
  • Pull apart the misconceptions and lack of awareness associated with addiction.
  • Identify the crucial role of support networks and resources for those struggling with addiction and their dear ones.
  • Understand the critical components of trust, appreciation, and self-confidence in the journey towards recovery and mending bonds.

Tassin Smith is a co-author of Dare to Express, a collection of bold stories and brave women. She’s also an embodiment coach on a courageous journey as she battles shame and fear while navigating her husband's addiction. Prepare to be captivated as she uncovers surprising revelations and confronts the challenges. Through her story, we will delve into the intricate complexities of living with a loved one's addiction, pondering the uncertain path for Tassin and her family. Get ready for an episode that will provoke deep thoughts and emotions. 


About Tassin:

Tassin Smith's journey shaped the person she is today. Growing up in Washington as the youngest of four sisters, she took on the role of caretaker when her father passed away at age 10. She met her husband in high school, and together they faced and overcame alcoholism and drug addiction. These experiences taught her the importance of self-love and acceptance. Tassin also found solace in nature's healing power, restoring her body, mind, and spirit harmony. Embracing the mantra "She is becoming comfortable becoming herself," Tassin transformed from anger and silence to embracing her authentic self. She is now a loving, open, confident, responsible, joyful, and fun-loving woman who deeply cares for the Earth and its inhabitants.

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Kristina:

Hey everyone, it's Christina Driscoll host of this she's brave podcast, I'm so glad you're here with me. I did not start out brave at all.

Unknown:

But I learned that we can do brave things,

Kristina:

one small step at a time. After caregiving for my husband and son for 12 years, it was definitely time for my next chapter. I wanted to get brave women's voices out there in the world. And more importantly, I want all of you to have the courage and the resilience to live your best authentic life. So come along with me, and learn how to live your best life. And I want you to hear the brave voices of women all around the world.

Unknown:

Everyone, it's Christina

Kristina:

with a podcast. Today I have a very, very, very, very special guest named tassen joy. She's the co author of dare to express and a life coach, a massage therapist and a body worker tassen you've said that you've spent years becoming comfortable with becoming yourself. Yep. Welcome. Welcome to

Unknown:

thank you. Thank you so much. I cannot even tell you how excited I am to be here. And I just have to tell you real quick, I wrote down last week, no, probably a couple weeks ago that I'd wanted to be interviewed on a podcast and and here we are. We are here we are first manifestation. Absolutely. Amen. Sister. I

Kristina:

love it so much. So you have a really rich life. So I'm going to unpack a little bit of it. Today, we're gonna be talking about addiction. Did you guys know that 16 and a half percent of Americans have a substance abuse problem. It's a big problem. Most of us have a family member, a spouse, a child or relative, a friend with substance abuse. And it's a big deal. And it's really, really hard to handle. Tasks and story is nothing short of incredibly courageous. Yeah. So Cassie, and your dad died when you were 10. You're the youngest of four sisters. You met your husband when you were 15. And you had a couple of kids in your early 20s. You're married at 25. You've been through alcoholism and drug addiction with him and eventually, recovery. And your husband has been recovered for how many years?

Unknown:

Going on? 1313. Okay,

Kristina:

that's fantastic. So this episode, you guys is about living with a loved one with addiction and how to get through it. Now. I absolutely love love, love your story. tassen and I don't normally do this, but I want to read because this is so gripping you guys about Thompson's life. Okay, I'm going to actually read from her book. I am not white trash. I want to stomp my foot and I want to scream. Why are they looking at me like I am white trash? Why did he keep asking me what I've taken today. My body is shaking internally as I try to remain calm on the outside. This is not actually my life. It can't be. This is not the path I chose for myself. How is this happening to me? Ma'am? Ma'am? Excuse me, ma'am. I'm jarred out of my disembodiment and shot back into the uncomfortable reality of my life. We need you to tell us what your husband is on. We cannot help them if we do not know what he took today. He could die. These words hit my nervous system and I blinked back the tears of fear. You have to be honest and help us figure out what he took today. I look around the room and I see my husband lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I become hyper aware of the firefighters that are trying to communicate with him. The police officer looks me in the face with a deeply concerned yet slightly disgusted expression. I could hear the TV in the other room where my two small children are in diapers watching TV with a police officer. I think to myself what is happening? How is this happening? Oh was I so unaware. In this moment, I realized the complete loss of control that my life is in. I thought I had all the balls balanced. I have not only lost control of my husband. The effect of alcoholism was spiraling out of control and attacking my family as I normally walk to the truck to search and see if I can find any evidence of drugs. I start to dig through his belongings. I have never been a wife of distrust. I don't even know why I'm out here. What I'm looking for I pull the hat out of the back seat. It's his favorite beanie, all of green with this gray stripe. It would usually surround his handsome face his chocolate brown hair that always needed a haircut would be curling out of it. It is full of empty prescription bottles. Every prescription date overlapping the next. None of it makes sense to me. He hates the doctor. I have never even heard him mention a doctor. Where did all these prescriptions for Oxycontin come from? I turn around and return to the house the way I left numb, shocked, scared and fearful yet there is rage now curdling in the pit of my stomach, entering the small dimly lit front porch. The scent of popcorn from my snacking kids hits my nose. While the sound of spookley the square pumpkin is playing in the background. A police officer looks up from the couch where he's sitting with my children. I begin to feel nauseous as I walked down the hallway to the bedroom where the emergency responders are still trying to communicate with my unreactive husband and I dump out all of the bottles on his bare chest. It is in this moment when I see he is unable to respond that it begins to dawn on me how deeply effed up he really is. The blank, unblinking eyes are no longer connected to reality, it begins to sink in that he is in the first stages of overdosing. The firefighters quickly reached out to grab the bottles reading the labels, and they look back at me, our small town carnation is fully marooned by water, we cannot drive him to a hospital. The other option is airlifting him, which is very expensive. The officers enlightened me option two. So if you just watch him and make sure that he doesn't stop breathing, dot dot, dot, the officer pauses to make sure I'm listening. And if he does stop breathing, shake him awake, he should be fine. I stare at them blankly, not comprehending what they're saying to me. I watched them gather their stuff and leave. One young firefighter with concern in his eyes, touches my arm on his way out the door. Save your anger for tomorrow, he won't remember a thing. I gather my small babies into their room, tuck them into bed and put them to sleep. My brain is swirling. This is not the life. I did not sign up for this. I love my kids. How could he do this to me? I go lie down next to my husband and listen to his breathing all night. Twice. He stops breathing twice. I shake him and he gasps for breath then falls back to sleep in the morning. Just like always. His alarm goes off. And he gets up for work. Oh my gosh, tasin. That is did I write that you wrote

Unknown:

that? Wow. That's a good job reading. I'm

Kristina:

like, Oh, my God. It's, you know, a lot of mothers have a lot of mothers as listeners on my podcast. And it's hard to be a mom, and you had to in diapers, because they were they were very close to age. They were both still in diapers. That's hard enough as it is. And then you add a husband who has a huge addiction issue. What was going through your mind that next day?

Unknown:

I think I was blessed by not understanding addiction and alcoholism. Like I think I was blessed in not knowing the extent and the depth of what I was dealing with. And I didn't grow up with it. So I wasn't aware of what I was actually dealing with. And so I look back and I think had I known I would have packed my shit up and left the next day. Yeah, versus sitting with him and saying, What are we going to do? You know, what are how are we going to get through this and the little codependent girl in me needed to be needed. So I when he used the words like I don't know, I need you to get through this. I just all I could think of was, oh, he needs me I get to help again. And it just kind of washed away the fear of everything I just been through and I was like let's do

Kristina:

this. Yeah, yeah. So he actually left and he he did not go to a recovery unit. He was sort of tried to self help himself and stayed home

Unknown:

and he recovered he detoxed on our couch. Wow. Yeah, yeah. And it was a lot to witness watch and the depth of his use and the depths of his alcoholism as well. The recovery at home now I know how dangerous it is. To actually recover from alcohol and drug addiction at home, like you really should have support in that. But I didn't know that at the time. And so he detoxed at home on our couch the first time.

Kristina:

Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah. And I know that he stayed sober for about a year and then he relapsed. And that was when he finally actually got professional help, correct? Yeah, yeah. But uh, you know, I want to share one more excerpt you guys, I promise, you're gonna have to run out and buy the book. Because it's so beautifully written about, about addiction and alcoholism, and then we're going to dig into it more. The pain of drug addiction and alcoholism has taught me so much. Through recovery, I have found myself, I have learned to trust and love all parts of me. I have learned to hold space for someone else while they learn to trust and love themselves, taking time to figure out where they begin, and I end and where I begin, and where they end. I have learned to breathe, to have compassion, to be aware of my judgment, to set loving boundaries for myself. And to understand I am not a victim. But mostly I have learned that what others do is not directed at me. And they are not actually trying to hurt or affect their loved ones. It's just them walking in their journey. Like a rock thrown into a pond. It sinks. The ripple effects the shore on all sides of the pond, even though the Shore was not the intended target. Just amazing. Just gazing. Yeah, yeah. And I'm going to add also, just below it, you wrote, I was deeply hurting, scared and full of fear that it was my fault. I was always feeling guilty. As if I had caused his addiction, or feeling like a failure as I couldn't control it. I was even more ashamed that I wasn't able to cure it. Oh, the naive, self centered, codependent drama addict, a young woman had no idea the growth she was about to enter. Oh, my gosh, I just got chills. I just got chills chat said. So tell us more. Tell us more about this journey. Because there's so many listeners out there who are thinking that's me or something like this? And how do I? How do I cope with living with someone with addiction? How do I get through it?

Unknown:

Oh, I mean, just that last last little part that you read, it talks about what I learned as the three C's. And that was the I didn't cause it, I can't cure it. And I'm not in control of it. And when I was told those three C's, it was like a backpack was able to come off of my shoulders because I had spent, I don't know how many of you out there have spent years trying to say the right thing, trying to spin it correctly trying to get somebody to understand that you see them and you understand their pain, and you want them to feel your pain, you want them to understand their pain. And at some point, if it was possible for us to fix our loved ones, we would say the right thing and they would move on and they would they would heal. The reality that I believe and I've come to understand is that I can't control it. And I can't cure it. And I did not cause it. And by remembering that I was able to start looking at myself I was started looking at how small I had become started to look at how small my world had become started to look at my obsessions, where I was blaming everyone where I how victims I felt from alcoholism and drug addiction, not even from my spouse, just the amount of anger I had at the drugs, the amount of anger I had at the alcohol was crazy. And I also have learned over my years in recovery is that a lot of people say that the drug and alcohol is their solution. It's what makes them feel normal, where we're so angry at what they think is the solution. So we're on these two different islands. And at some point, we have to find a way to detach and love them and work on ourselves.

Kristina:

That's so beautifully said. You truly are one of the most courageous guests I've had and met on my podcast. I've had quite a few value. And it's just amazing to me that you had two kids in diapers and that you know, a husband with an addiction. What are some simple pieces of advice that you can give my listeners if they're in that spot right now?

Unknown:

simple advice on drug addiction and alcohol. Not so simple. Oh, if it was, I mean, when I really do dig that has I mean, my, my children are now 19 and 21. Now, so when I look back at them being in diapers, you know, there's that point where I've heard of people not wanting to get out of bed. It's too much. It's too hard. You your whole life has just imploded. Everything that you know to be true is not true anymore. And I am so grateful that I had two children that needed to be fed. I am so grateful I had two children that needed me to take them to school. One thing that I started doing right away was speaking it out loud, I was not going to keep it a secret. I wasn't going to keep it under the rug. Yes, I needed support. And my friends were the first people to know. And no matter how fearful I was of the judgments of the outside world, I realized that those that would judge me would shift away. And those that would support me would step in, and I knew I couldn't do it alone. After his relapse, we had nothing. We had no money, I couldn't go to the store and buy peanut butter and jelly. I write about that. In the in the book, I needed support to move through. And thank God, I knew that there was just something in me that said, you have to speak this out loud. I say that and it sounds so angelic. And in reality, part of it was a dart, right? I like to say like, are we throwing darts, what's our intention behind everything we do. And for me, at that time of my life, part of my intention of sharing it out loud was to let people know, the type of human I had married. So it's not like I was trying to be like, really supportive to self. I also wanted people to know that he was a drug addict, alcoholic. And I felt like the more people I told the less his chances that he would actually get to drink again, because more people would know his secret. So as much as I'd love to say I did that just solely for myself. I've worked on what intentions means so strong now that I will even pick up a phone and think I created intention before I walked in this room today. Right? Like, intention is so important to my soul. But back then a lot of the things I did to throw darts and to be hurtful, actually helped guide me to where I am today.

Kristina:

Yeah, I love that. Thank you for being so honest about that. But I also think that by sharing it with others, they were able to help you with the burden. So it lifted the burden. And you know, that pressure was was eased up. Yeah. And I know that you also got help, like through support groups talk a bit about that, too.

Unknown:

Yeah, well, and that is one thing. The more I shared, the more I talked about it, the more people came out of the woodwork. And I learned that really early on, the more comfortable I got with my story, the more I spoke out loud about my story, the more people would come to me that had a similar story. Wow. So I found time and time again, that I would just talk about, oh, my husband's going to his 12 Step meeting tonight. And somebody be like, Oh, for what, and we would start a conversation and they would have someone that was struggling. The woman that I worked with my dear dear friend and I rented space out of her yoga space for years. And she took me to my first recovery meeting. And I am forever grateful because I walked into that room and heard my story was received with love and no judgment at all. And that really is where I started to put myself back together was in a space where I don't want to say there were rules. There are no rules in these recovery programs. But there are a lot of guidelines loving guidelines that you can choose to pick up and choose to leave behind whatever works for you where you're at. But I really started learn about drug addiction and alcoholism and where I was and how involved or not involved I was in it.

Kristina:

Yeah, like codependency is something that's gigantic, gigantic. And I just wanted to say also, it's just so interesting how, as humans, I've done it to where I have a secret or something that I'm ashamed of. And I don't want to tell anybody, and it becomes this big thing for me. And so you are hiding this from all these people. A lot of people for a lot of years. There's something incredibly empowering about not hiding it anymore. When you begin to speak it. It loses its power over you.

Unknown:

Yeah, so I look at that now and backtracking all the way back to shame shame and guilt are like two of my favorite things I share with everyone that I meet because I'm so many people have heard these definitions and yet there are still people that haven't but shame says I am bad shame says not I did something about it says I am bad. I'm a bad mom. I'm a bad wife. I'm a bad business owner. I'm a bad daughter, I'm a bad person. So shame is you own it as a part of you. Guilt says I did something bad, my behavior was not okay. I could do that differently, I could do that better. And you can move through guilt or shame holds the heaviest vibration right above death. Wow. So when we live in that space, when we have secrets, and we're hiding things many of us live in the I Am. I Am, my secret owns me. And we sit in our head by ourselves, I call it the hamster wheel. We run in this hamster wheel for hours and hours a day, belittling ourselves or blaming the people in our lives instead of actually choosing to step up and do something about it. So guilt says, I raised my kids very young with an addict, alcoholic husband, I let him drive us in the car when he should not have been behind the wheel. I left my kids at home with him when I probably shouldn't have left my kids at home with him, my behaviors around hiding it my behaviors around the denial more than hiding it the denial of not wanting to see it created behaviors in me that I had a lot of shame around. And as I went through my recovery program, I learned that those were my mechanisms to keep me safe at the time. And I learned to love all of those and move through the guilt of who I was. And guilt says I can do it differently.

Kristina:

Wow. That is absolutely amazing. tassin Thank you. Yes, it is it is. And I know a lot of people start out being a victim. And you did too. But you are not a victim anymore.

Unknown:

Being a victim is so heavy and dark and demonstrable. And we can live an entire lifetime staying in a victim. And to me, all it does is create a very uncomfortable life. There is no healing and victim we are responsible human beings. And yes, I'm not I can say that from my point of view for where I am. But when I think about people that live in victim is in their entire life. You're just constantly looking at what's happening around you and sort of what you're going to do about it. Yeah.

Kristina:

Love that answer. Love that answer. Yeah. So it's amazing to me that you have loved your husband through all of this. And I now of course, I know that, you know, you have a very happy marriage. It's it's truly amazing. Thank

Unknown:

you. It's amazing to me, I love to say I won the lottery and husbands and I wouldn't change our story for anything. Because because of our story because of our parallel programs that we've walked through because of our patience with each other. Like I used to put other relationships on a pedestal. And I really get to do that with my relationship. Now I know even in our moments still today, we're certainly not perfect. And we have moments where we get in those little grouchy, icky, uncomfortable spaces, and we can walk away and we can come back and have conversations where that never would have happened before any of this,

Kristina:

right? Yeah, yeah. I want to quote you and discuss this because this is so good. You say we are not broken or ruined. We create stories that separate us from others. And in this separation, we can feel off, hurt. angry, resentful, frustrated, and fatigue will begin to show up. When we're always self doubting ourselves. Our bodies can't heal. I said that again.

Unknown:

Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Good. I

Kristina:

know that. Yeah. The you do some healing work. And you were you had, I don't know if you're still practicing massage or not.

Unknown:

I'm not I was nervous for 24 years.

Kristina:

But yes, but you figured that out that people were carrying emotional baggage in their bodies. Yeah.

Unknown:

The saying our issues are in our tissues. The same every cell remembers everything we've ever been through is in our bodies, I believe that it actually stores and then it shows up again as body pain later in life. And so as I was a massage therapist, I would work on people and they would come in with these consistent pains in their bodies, and we'd work on them and they'd feel better and they would leave and they'd come back in a month with that pain would be back. So the more we started to chat and talk and actually go deep I would start to see emotions rise up and if I could keep them in that space because as emotions rise up a lot of people want to go talk about something else. Like no we're gonna stay right here in this in this moment and in this space, the more we would start to go there and work on it and actually allow it to surface their pains would dissolve Yeah, they would be back pain free they would be shoulder pain for you. They were neck would stop hurting. Yeah. And then I got a hold of Louise Hayes's book. Yep,

Kristina:

we say we've talked about Yeah, yep.

Unknown:

And I was like, Oh my gosh, I have notes that match her notes like your neck goes out, when you're really trying to control a situation, your hips are really uncomfortable when you're trying to push through stuff, your hands will go numb or hurt when you're trying to hold on too tight, or you're trying not to receive anything. I just experienced a full body rash, like a full body rash. And I was like, my nervous system was yelling at me that I needed to set some new boundaries. Wow, that I didn't want to set because I mean, I've been setting boundaries for 13 years. And I wish I could tell all of your listeners, it gets easier. But depending on the boundary and the people in your love for them, it doesn't get easier. That's the self love part. That's building trust. When you hear what your body says, and you follow through your body goes, Oh, I can trust her. Wow. But when we are consistently out there knowing we shouldn't be doing something, but we're doing it anyway. Because we don't want to make someone else uncomfortable. Yes, we're breaking trust with self. Yes. And we're taught that really young, and we're never ever taught to earn trust with ourselves. And so that's where I am so grateful that somewhere through that whole story somewhere of laying in the yard and staring at the clouds and walking on the trail and seeing the trees wisdom and actually being aware of what was happening around me and in my body. And listening to clients talk about things. And I had so many teachers that showed up. And I don't mean teachers, I mean, like life teachers that will show up. And I slowly started realizing, wow, to start hearing my body, I actually have to follow through with what she's saying. I can't keep ignoring that. She's going to stop talking, and it just becomes body pain.

Kristina:

Well, I know. And I know that you and I have a really nice deep connection because we both use nature for healing, I walk my dog for an hour, I hike with her on a hiking trail pretty pretty much every morning. Yeah. And there's something really healing about that share with my listeners, what it is for you, and how that has helped you. Well, right

Unknown:

away. For me, as a mom of two little kids, it's very hard to let your emotions out in your house when you're trying to be strong. And early on. I told my kids when my husband, you know, relapsed and went into rehab for a month, I told them there are going to be days where Mommy is sad. And you're going to come home and she's going to be crying and she'll be okay. There are going to be days where you're sad. And I'm going to sit with you and hold you while you cry. And I might cry with you and I might just hold you in, that's okay. I really wanted to be as clear and open with them what was going on at their age level of understanding, but to find my own peace, and to truly release my body, I had to go out of the house. You know, there were times where I could cry in the shower, right? We all cry in the shower, it's a good place to cry, but like to hit the trail to go into the woods. And to actually be able to know nobody's watching me. And if I need to have a major release, if I need to kick something, if I need to throw some rocks, if I need to lay under a tree and sob hysterically, I can do that. And my children aren't watching and witnessing me have my moment or throw my little fit that needed to release and come out of my body. So nature became my place of solitude, but also of release, it became a place where I could go and breathe and connect. And the more I used that the more I started to witness nature as a healing tool. And I talked in that book about how I saw that clump of trees. And there was this whole clump of trees and they were so close together and they just looked like this tight knit family. And the way they were moving in the wind and it was so beautiful. And then I looked in the center and there was a dead tree. And it had been strangled out these trees and tried to support it so strongly, they strangled it out instead of letting it grow and learn and be itself. And I was like oh my gosh, like that's so easy to do to our loved ones. We want them to be safe and okay that we're just gonna sweep in and fix or control or enable. And really what we're doing is we're taking their power away, so they can not steal, we're taking their power away and they have to bend and shift and twist. They have to learn this lesson. That is why they're here. I think we come down here for soul lessons. And I think a lot of people don't get to learn their soul lessons because we enable them through it.

Kristina:

Wow, this is so powerful.

Unknown:

So those things I started seeing. I remember walking on the trail and seeing a tree that literally had grown sideways and then back up. And I just thought even nature goes sideways sometimes, like even nature. And I just thought like He sat at the bottom of that tree for a long time and just thought, What wisdom do you have? What did you learn while you went sideways before you realized you needed to go back up to the sun. So it just was that reminder, there's no perfect way to do it. And to be able to take again, another backpack off of perfection and just think I'm gonna do this with the best tools that I have. And I'm open to learning new tools and moving through this and asking questions and nature definitely was one became my church, it became my my wisdom speakers, my trees are my wisdom speakers. And I always look to the trace down when I need support, or just need downloads, and just the clarity I outside is my place.

Kristina:

Yeah, and I think when your children are small, and you are in the thick of everything we've been discussing, going out into nature, even just going in your yard, in your bare feet, I have been told ground is grounding, and it's so incredibly healing. So you, in some, in some cases, you intuitively figured out how to get a break from your kids, it could be to just step outside, and maybe step on a path near right near your house or just and to slow down, take a break from edge, take time to give yourself some peace. It's that's such a, an everyone can do

Unknown:

it. Everyone can do it. Another thing I would add to that is the gratitude, right? Like, I know people hear about gratitude all the time, like but when I was in the thick of it, you know, again, hamster wheel when your brain is just thinking about what someone has done to you, or what's next, or all the what ifs or, I mean, I was so stuck with the trust is broken. How do I live with this human if I don't trust him at all, like that's not marriage, like what is that I would get stuck in these hamster wheels for hours. And I remember learning in my recovery group, when you get stuck like that sit down with a pen and paper, not just in your head, not on your phone, there's something about the energy moving through your arm. So our heart chakra flows through our arms. It's how we give and receive love. So if I pick up a pen and paper and I sit down, I actually write out my gratitude list in the darkest moments, there is always something to be grateful for, regardless of if it's I have a roof over my head, the sun is shining today. There's like a really beautiful blade of green grass next to me, like you can come up with gratitude, even in the most fearful, darkest space. But you have to shift into that energy, you have to be willing to seek it out and look for it. And so I would sit down and I would write gratitude lists when my brain wanted to scream or yell or throw a fit or go into victim. And what it did was completely shift my energy to realize that this is happening around me and in my life. But I also have a lot of really beautiful things happening. And I could focus on those things instead of what wasn't working out. Yeah. And I started to realize that my worries were a negative prayer. And that when I went into a gratitude list, it was a positive prayer.

Kristina:

I have never heard that. I love it. So worries are a negative prayer. Yes, indeed, that is true.

Unknown:

You just sit there and you go over the same negative thought over and over. It is like a meditation and a prayer. It's just consuming you. And that's what you're putting out there. That's the energy you're putting into the world. So if you can catch it, shift and start to actually go into action of gratitude. That's the energy you're putting out there. That's the priority. Good to put up there.

Kristina:

I love that. I'm just deeply curious. How did you rebuild your trust with your husband?

Unknown:

So I went to a million people and not like a therapist is every one that a walked into a recovery room. We started doing date nights, and we'd go to Speaker meetings. And I would hear other people's story because I do not understand addiction. I do not have addiction. I can't get addicted to exercise. I can't get addicted to anything. Oh, I love it. I can't get addicted.

Kristina:

I'm the same way to us. And we have the same problem. I can't get addicted something so I

Unknown:

don't understand it. Yeah, I don't understand how you can do something that can hurt other people so deeply that can literally ruin people's lives. And so I wanted to learn more about the addiction itself. So I started to say when you go to your speaker meetings, can I go with you? I just want to hear I want to learn I want to listen and so we started to do that together. But I would talk to anybody anybody and say how do you rebuild trust? I don't trust that I don't trust him. I don't i It's the strangest thing to say to sit across the table from someone that you love desperately and not trust what

Kristina:

they did today. Wow. At all. Yeah.

Unknown:

So I kept hearing you will never trust his words for a very long time. I thought, well, how is that a marriage? And I heard you will start to trust his actions when he follows through with them. And so he would, my kids were young, and we're after his relapse, and we went into rehab, and he came out of rehab. And the kids were really young. And so they were in T ball, and you know, playing a little kids sports, soccer and all that stuff. And the one woman I was talking to said, when he says he's going to come to T ball, he'll show up 10 minutes early. And maybe he'll bring an extra chair for you. And he'll start to earn trust through action. When he says he's depositing the whole paycheck, the whole paycheck will go into the account. Not a part of it. Yeah. Or none of it. Yeah. When he says, I'm gonna make dinner tonight. He doesn't just make dinner, he makes dessert, right? So it's that extra step. It's the it's the actions where he's showing up. When he says he's going to his meeting, and he goes to his meeting, and he comes home, and he could communicate like, Oh, that was so good. It was exactly what I needed tonight. It took all my strength not to get my car and follow him or to start packing things or to check the phone or the pockets, or are you really going to a meeting? Or have moments of like, oh, wait, are you really sick tonight. And so action started to build that trust again. But it wasn't until I really sat there and thought I still don't trust him years later, because I didn't trust me. Oh, wow, I didn't trust me. And if he was to relapse, if he was to drink again, which a very small percentage of people stay sober. Right, a very small percentage of people actually remain sober. And I know people who have relapsed at 25 years sober. And I just had this mental fear that in 10 years, this is going to happen again, and I'm not going to be 30, I'm going to be 40. And I don't want to store over 40 I want to start over at 30. And why am I staying in this relationship and what's happening. And what I realized is I didn't trust me to have me if it were to happen again. Wow. And that's when I realized, I don't even know how to trust myself. Wow. And then I met someone who truly helped me begin to understand that we. And I will be so curious to know how everyone reacts to this, but that we aren't supposed to hand our whole heart over to anybody. Yeah, that we are the owners of our heart, that we are supposed to love ourselves and care for ourselves. And basically, they had me put my hand out and he put his hand undermine, and he put a stone in my hand and he said, The stone is your heart. And you're holding your heart. And now I'm holding your you holding your heart. And I have a really bad day and I'm a human and I fuck up. And I drop off because I am a mess. And I'm human, and who still has your heart. Now hand the heart over. Here have my heart, you're you're my, you're my husband, you're my best friend, you know me inside and out, have my heart. And then he has a bad human day and he drops the heart crashes to the floor. I'm heartbroken. I can't function. I can't breathe. I'm angry because you did it to me again. We are human beings. Yes. And we are going to do things that make each other uncomfortable. And we are going to do things that confuse each other. Because we're human beings. That's what we're here to do. We're also here to learn through those and support each other and love each other. But it's really hard to do when you're blindly angry with someone for breaking your heart. Yes. So I have learned that self trust meant to keep my heart him to feel supported. So I usually say Sure, let's go. I'll make some snacks and get some hot tea. Let's go. I looked at him. I said I don't want to go fishing. But you go fishing. I'm going to stay home with a book and a cup of tea. You take your boat out, you go fishing, maybe call somebody to go with you. So you don't want to go alone. But I don't want to. And it was the biggest no I've ever said I will never forget that moment when he left the house and I sat there and I thought oh my gosh, I just listened to my heart. I didn't want to go freeze. So then I set a rule. I will only go fishing if it's 75 and warmer and sunny.

Kristina:

Yeah, so you set a boundary. You're happy. He's happy. One person cannot meet 100% of our needs. That's why we need our friends. Yeah, and our groups and our family members and that that spouse isn't going to be everything. I absolutely love your analogy of the hand holding your rock the rock is your heart. And then your husband you know you can represent he's he's holding your hand underneath. Yeah. Now if he'd be If he needs to step away and his hand disappears, you still you're still holding on to your heart. This is the key. This is the essence to your bravery. tassen you are truly an amazing human being amazing. feel about my soul. Thank you. Yeah, that being said, I want you to share with us what the next chapter was because you have blossomed and grown into this amazing human that has this amazing business, and us support and help women from all over the world. And I just, I just want I wanted you on the podcast, because I want women to say, That's me. And look what she did. And if she can do it,

Unknown:

I cannot do it. I love that you just said that. Because that is again, one of those mentalities that I've learned, you know, we look at people and we think, Oh, they had extra help, or oh, this or that, if she can do it. So can I has become a motto of mine in the last few years, I'm looking at people that are running amazing podcasts if she can do it. So can I am looking at people, women who are running these group coaching businesses, if she can do it, so can I I'm looking at families that are able to go on some really amazing vacations, if they can do it. So can I like that mentality, I have so adopted, and again, that slips you right out of victimhood. You cannot be a victim with those words coming out of your mouth, saying, oh, that's never going to be me. Oh, they had a lot of financial help, oh, something whatever it is, fill in the blank. That is not a place for growth. Right. And so I have dreamt for years a bout group work. And a lot of it's because of the recovery groups. I was in just watching people walk into these rooms. I was one of them. The first three months that I sat at that table, I sobbed so hard. Nobody knew what was coming out of my mouth. I was just ugly, cried. And I always shared. And there's a joke. I've been in the same meeting for 13 years. And there's a joke that when passing would open her mouth, we would all just nod and look at her with compassion because we didn't know what she was saying. I was so hurt. And I wasn't my sponsor just told me this week. We aren't broken. We're broken wide open. And so we walk in there and we feel so broken, but you walk in there because you are ready for help. And you're ready to grow and you're ready to shift and you know that the life you're living is full of, of chaos that you can't control anymore. And so I went in those rooms and started watching people, ordinary people help ordinary people and lives change drastically. And the gray sadness shift into a smiling laughter and people saying I haven't laughed in years. Oh my gosh, I forgot what it was like to laugh and like, enjoy myself. And one of the questions we always ask people is what do you like to do? And most people living with alcoholism and addiction don't know what they like to do. Because their world is so small. All they do is care for their person

Kristina:

and micromanage and try to control and be codependent and you know, trying trying to control that the addicts behavior, right,

Unknown:

totally. We've become obsessed. Their obsession is alcoholism and addiction, our obsession is them.

Kristina:

And then you don't even know who you are. No, you lose who

Unknown:

you are, you lose track of time and life and trauma has no time. And it's just a crazy space to be in. And so years of being in there and watching people and growing leaps and bounds for myself and loving who I became and loving who I was I'm loving my husband and watching my kids grow up in a home that had both recovery programs in it. I really decided that group work was something my soul was put here to do. I love my one on one coaching. It's beautiful. It's so inspiring to watch people come in and receive and shift and grow and go in the direction they want to go. But I love the group coaching because shame and a Petri dish alone can grow like crazy but shame in a petri dish with compassion cannot grow. Oh my gosh. Brene Brown that is not me.

Kristina:

And I agree with that there is a lot there's a different level of power in group work.

Unknown:

Yeah. And it's scary and it can be scary. It's you have to be brave.

Kristina:

Yes to do group work. You

Unknown:

have to be ready to walk in that door and not worry about who's sitting in that circle and be will willing to show up for yourself? Yeah. And so to me, the women that are going to come into circle, they are done. They don't want to be where they are next year. Yeah, they're ready to shift grow and change. And I always say, that takes the awareness plus the action for healing, you cannot have healing without awareness. And you cannot have healing without action. And you cannot have healing with them separately, they have to go together. And so when you walk into a circle of people, for me, my circles are usually female. So women, there is going to be more growth there, because you're going to witness people speaking things that you think you're the only one have that have been through or felt or experienced, you're going to witness people growing, and you're going to want that. And you're gonna want more of that. And you're going to stick around for more of that. Yeah. And so it is so powerful to watch people come into that first. No, my courses are about three months long coming in at first course and just kind of look around the room, you know, make our first initial judgment maybe, to come in. And then literally, maybe three weeks later, they walk in, and they're like, excited to be there. They want to be there. They're already like, oh, my gosh, my life is changing so drastically. And I have never seen even my one on one clients grow as quickly as my grip course client.

Kristina:

Yeah. And that makes sense. To me.

Unknown:

It's super powerful. So what I do is, I'm an embodiment coach, I believe that we really, truly have to learn at a core level to love and trust ourselves. And so I ask people that what do you trust yourself? And most people are like,

Kristina:

it's such a great question. You asked me that. Yes. And as you as you and I have been getting to know each other. And it's no one has ever asked me that question. It's powerful. And

Unknown:

a lot of people say, Yeah, I trust myself. I mean, I trust myself to keep my family safe. I trust myself to pay the bills, we trust myself to make sure we have food on the table. And I say, but do you trust yourself to make the right decision for you? Even if it means that somebody might be mad? Wow, do you trust yourself, to listen to what your body is asking for? Even if doing it might make you look strange or funny or be made fun of we earn trust by following through? Right? So when I say I'm exercise seven days a week, and it's just going to be amazing, and I've got this I hired a health coach, and I'm so excited. And then I don't do it. I just broke trust. Yes. So when I say I'm gonna go for a walk twice a week, and I have two friends, I've called that I have two people that I'm walking with. And I actually go do those two walks, I just built trust. Yes. So we slowly get to realize like, I trust the bigger picture of me, but do I trust the core? Me? If shit hits the fan? Do you run outside for help? Or do you come inside first, I come inside, I get really quiet. I know how to hear my heart. I know how to hear my gut. I asked for my needs to be met. I know what my needs are now. Then I go and ask for support. And well that. But we only get confused. And this is a belief of mine. I only get confused when the outside world is really loud. And I'm not listening to self.

Kristina:

Yes. And that's a really, really big problem in our world today. And I I've been shifting that over the past year of paying less attention to the outside world. And that means you know, less news, less TV, less social media, that stuff can overpower us.

Unknown:

Oh, yeah. Yeah. So when we have moments where we think I don't know, what's happening, in my mind, is that you've had five opinions. But you haven't asked yourself your opinion. You haven't sat down on quiet. If you haven't gone into nature, you haven't taken time to just feel the cool inhale. And the warm exhale. You haven't said thank you brain, my little protecting mechanism that wants me to be safe. Thank you for running around in this hamster wheel. But I'm asking you to quiet now. I'm going to sink into heart. And I'm going to ask heart. What is What do I what do I really want? What do I really need right now I feel really unsafe. What would make me feel safe.

Kristina:

And I have to say one trick that I've learned is you just did it and my listeners can't see it. As you were talking. You gently placed your hand over your heart. And I have learned to do that too. When I want to go into prayer or meditation. There's something physically about putting your hand over your heart that says, I love myself. Yeah, I trust myself.

Unknown:

And it puts us in our body. Ah, it puts us in our body. Okay, and like I mentioned, I don't know if you know much about the chakra system but the heart chakra is simply put, it's the heart energy, right? But it's not just your heart. It is your upper ribcage. It's the back heart. It's your arms. And so if you think about the heart chakra holds unconditional love through unconditional love, yeah. Without rules. And so many of us have slowly guarded our heart because it's been or injured or we haven't acknowledged it or all those things. And so it flows, the heart chakra flows through our arms. And when you place your hands on your own heart, or on your body anywhere, you are literally letting love flow through your arms and

Kristina:

back. And so that's why it feels so good. When I do that. I didn't know why yes,

Unknown:

touch is healing, okay, and our hands are supposed to be, I will say that because I know the hands have been used in unloving way many, many times. But hands are supposed to be forgiving and receiving love. And so when we place our hands on our heart, place our hands on our jaw, lace our hands on our belly, we are giving and receiving love to our bodies, and it brings us into our body

Kristina:

tasin this conversation has been a mazing my listeners are all going to be clamoring, I know they're they're going to want to get in touch with you because I know you work with people locally, and you work with people from a distance. And so please share with us how we can find you.

Unknown:

I have a website tassen joy.com. And while my information is on there, I'm also Instagram tassen underscore joy. And I do have an online course and an in person course starting in September called Becoming you. And it's a three to three month but it's spread out from September to December. Course really truly to get in touch with yourself to build awareness with yourself to create a space where you can trust yourself to the depth that when you want something you're going to know how to go get it and when you don't want something you're going to know what's not for you.

Kristina:

Yeah, so good. tassin Any other last words of wisdom that are coming to you that you want to share with my listeners?

Unknown:

Hmm, let me think here. Yeah, each of you are worth happiness. Each of you are worth living a life that is full and complete and connected. And it takes courage and bravery to follow and know your worth.

Kristina:

Beautifully said. Thank you so much, Tessa.

Unknown:

Thank you.

Kristina:

Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy life to listen to today's episode. I love learning about what makes you brave. I'm here with you. I see you. I hear you and I want to hear from you. I want to know how you're showing up as being brave and authentic. Connect with me on Instagram at she's brave podcast or come join our community in the she's brave podcast Facebook group. I'm sending you so much love. Until next time. Keep being brave.