She's Brave Podcast - Kristina Driscoll


November 14, 2023 Kristina Driscoll with Susie Pettit Episode 60
She's Brave Podcast - Kristina Driscoll
Show Notes Transcript

Learn all about boundaries and the vitality of them with certified life and wellness coach, Susie Pettit. Host of the podcast, Love Your Life Show, owner of The Wellness Company and Strength, Mind and Body, LLC, and Founder of the Love Your Life School, she has dedicated her life to inspiring women to live their best lives and breaking free of the mold where we look outside of ourselves for what is right for us. Now being happily married and a mother to 5 beautiful boys, she has lived through and overcome being a self-proclaimed people pleaser and co-dependent perfectionist with no boundaries and in very unhealthy relationships. She now thrives in her new life and actively helps other women cultivate their own everyday.

In this episode, you will be able to:

  • Understand what a boundary is
  • Determine if you are lacking boundaries overall or in specific areas
  • Become better at establishing boundaries if necessary
  • Learn to look inside for what is right for you
  • Realize that there is no such thing as perfection
  • Find comfort in knowing that one’s life can drastically change with one tiny step/boundary at a time
  • Understand the correlation between boundaries and emotional intelligence
  • Start picturing yourself as more of a victor as opposed to a victim!

About Susie:

Susie Pettit is a mindfulness-based cognitive life coach and Founder of the Love Your Life School. After doing everything she thought she was supposed to be doing in life - getting a degree, getting married, having 3 amazing boys - she found herself in a very dark period of her life. She felt a low level hum of unhappiness, was enmeshed in codependent and narcissistic relationships, and used food and alcohol in unhelpful ways to cope. She felt overwhelmed with her situation and also guilty because “on the outside” everything looked good! Life coaching changed everything for her. It not only got her out of the darkness, it helped her leave toxic relationships, learn how to set boundaries to stop codependency, remove food and alcohol as triggers in her life, create a thriving business and present a model of marriage for her sons that she is proud of today. She can truly say that she loves her life and knows that’s possible for everyone hence, her ongoing drive to become your next best supporter!

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Hey everyone, it's Christina Driscoll host of this she's brave Podcast. I'm so glad you're here with me. I did not start out brave at all. But I learned that we can do brave things, one small step at a time. After caregiving for my husband and son for 12 years, it was definitely time for my next chapter. I wanted to get brave women's voices out there in the world. And more importantly, I want all of you to have the courage and the resilience to live your best authentic life. So come along with me and learn how to live your best life. And I want you to hear the brave voices of women all around the world Hey, everyone, it's Christina with the she's brave podcast. Are you a people pleaser? Are you a people deceiver? Do you waste time doing things that you don't enjoy? To prove yourself to people you don't even like? Today's guest is a real boundary badass Susie Pettit, she spent more than half of her life living a life she did not love. How many of us can relate to this. Suzy is the host of the podcast, love your life show, an owner of the wellness company and strength mind and body LLC. She's also a Certified Life and wellness coach, you guys, Susie is amazing. And you're gonna feel so much more empowered after this conversation. We're going to be talking boundaries. What are they? How can we ourselves be better at setting our boundaries? Welcome. Welcome, Susie, all the way from Australia. So fun. Thanks for having me. This is so exciting. It is. And I'm so excited for today's conversation. I know that you're the mom of five boys that are now between about 25 and 17. And there has to be a story behind and what happened to you because you really described yourself literally as a people pleaser, codependent and a perfectionist. So tell us a little bit more about that. I was born and raised in a house that was born in 1971. So back in the day that there were not many boundaries. And unlike many houses, I think it was very codependent. And from the day that I was born, I'm the oldest of three daughters, I was told that I should have been a boy. So very much I remember my dad saying that boys have it better. That's sort of my take away. What I'm noticing about myself is sort of my earliest childhood wounds were that something was like inherently wrong with me. Like there's nothing I can even do. So from the very beginning. It was like, Okay, start dancing the dance, Susie, because no matter what, you'll never be good enough. Yeah. And that really led into also the dynamics of our house where it was very much led around my father and my father's needs. And even though there were four other people in the house, my mom and three sisters, it was always like don't make Dad mad and like tiptoeing around dad. And it was very much an interesting household in that way. And as a little girl moving into teenager, I definitely struggled with self doubt and confidence and all of that and went into college and then married a man that was sort of a combination of my dad and my mother. And then went into a 26 year relationship 19 year marriage, with that thinking sort of being uncomfortable, but I'm not really thinking anything was wrong, because what I now realize is that I thought I was wrong. So I always looked outside of me for approval, I always look to see what other people thought I should be doing. Like I changed my major three years into college because my my ex thought it would be better if I was a teacher than an international business person. And like I just throughout my life looking back, I just consistently made changes to make other people happy from this place of feeling unworthy or not good enough. And maybe people can't relate with their parental figure always telling them they should have been something different. But I definitely know that a lot of people can relate to this feeling of like there's something wrong with me or I need to do something more or a fear of being found out. And all of that that people pleasing that impostor syndrome. Among the not feeling good enough, is something that I now really help women to really set boundaries to learn about themselves. And to live lives that they love, I run a school called the Love Your Life School on my podcast is the love your life show. Because I lived a life for so many years that I really didn't enjoy it. I just felt like a shell of myself. And like, I wasn't good enough. So I had to look outside to see what people were doing and, and what was right for me. Beautifully said Suzy. And I just love how you develop this self awareness. And now, your mission in life is to help other women to better themselves. And, and you have said that the privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are. And that's what you did. I mean, that's what I did. And that's what I'm doing. And that is my goal to support and inspire women to live their best lives to sort of break that mold that we have to look outside for what is right with us. And look internal. And right hand in hand with that is there is no perfect person. So we're looking internal. And it's like with this self compassion that we have these flaws that we aren't perfect. So that was really hard growing up in that there was no space to be wrong. Like if I was wrong, love was removed. There was no disagreement in my family, there was no conflict. It was always your dad's way is the right way. And then my first husband's way was the right way. And so now, I find a lot of ease in almost like the shoulder shrug of like, Yep, I guess I was wrong. And I'm still lovable. It's like, I guess maybe that wasn't the greatest choice for dinner. But look at that, like, we're still here, this imperfection. And that we're all imperfect. There is no perfection in human beings. And some of the awareness and acceptance of that is helped me a lot. Wow, so so good. So why is it so important that we know how to set good boundaries? Well, boundaries are massive, because I didn't just get here. I don't like skating over this, like, oh, and then one day I just woke up well, as I said, I was in a 26 year relationship with this man. And I spent many, many years listening to him when he told me how to do things. It wasn't that he was physically coercive. He was certainly mentally and verbally coercive. But he told me, I couldn't buy books, or I couldn't wear certain clothes. And I listened to those. So I had no boundaries there. I let him tell me how to do. And then as I had three children with him, I was more comfortable to set boundaries for them that it wasn't okay to them in that way, or it wasn't okay to interact with them in that way. And so I started to get better speaking up for someone else, sort of like the underdog, if you will, then myself and then I flex that muscle and got better with me. But the boundary part of it is crucial, certainly with the way that I teach too, because it allows for healthy relationships. Actually, as I was going through leaving my marriage with my first husband, we went through so many different therapists and finally, the last one quit us so for many reasons that relationship had its day. My parents disagreed with me, they did not think that I should leave that marriage. And they sided with my ex. I mean, they did pay for my ex's lawyer rentable, I can't believe that you had the courage and the strength to stand up to that. Well, and it got to you know, your podcasts as She's so brave. It got to this point where I did not feel that I had any other opportunity. They talked about the rock bottom, be out, you can't go down further. When I decided to leave the marriage, my ex said he would stay married to me for the rest of his life, even though he hated me was one of the things. He said that seared into my head. And I was like, Oh, that's not my image of a marriage I want for my son. So in that I needed to move in the state I lived in which was Virginia, the United States, I needed to stay in the house. If I left the marriage with my kids, I could be accused of kidnapping. If I left without my kids, I'd be accused of abandonment. And both cases I would lose a lot of custody rights. And so I needed to stay in the marital house for a whole year after we had separated I was living in the unfinished basement for a year and that is really sort of that rock bottom of wow what is going on and I mean, I had some money but in my brain I had no money because my parents were funding my exes divorce lawyer I different things. I had premarital earnings but my dad turned them over to my ex it was before anything any of the bank records were computerized and so my dad had the piece of paper that showed my maiden name and that they were my earnings from past jobs and he on a FaceTime with me shredded it and in the state I was in as a woman all the money on the property of the man. So I lost 490 I think was $492,000. And I'm laughing because it's like, oh my God, what do we do cry? So anyhow, I've been there, I understand bankruptcy, I understand rock bottom, it is this, like, how do I get to where I am now it's one tiny step at a time, one tiny boundary at a time. So an example of that is like when my parents were yelling at me, because they would routinely when I'm going through this divorce, and I was trying to make the choice, they would routinely call me up or when we were in person, they would yell at me one boundary, I said, I was I will not allow people to yell at me. And if you keep yelling, I'm going to hang up the phone. That was a new boundary for me, I used to let my parents yell at me. And so I need to back up a bit a boundary, the way I define them, it's not something you do to someone else. But it is a guideline for how you'll be treated. So almost like a little instruction book of yourself. So for me, one of my guidelines is I will not be yelled at. And so then when my parents start yelling at me, I don't get into this, like blame and drama of like, you shouldn't yell at your daughter. No, they can do what they're going to do. But if they're in relationship with me, I don't allow people yelling at me. Yeah, that that is such a powerful boundary, because I wanted to share a similar experience. About 10 years ago, I had a friend who would call up and yell at me. And thank God, I was in therapy. And my therapist said, why are you letting this person yell at you? If you don't want someone to yell at you, you are allowed to hang up the phone. And it's so basic, right? It's so basic. And yet, somehow, sometimes we have these gigantic barriers. Oh, no, I can't hang up the phone. But we don't deserve to be yelled at. We can hang up the phone. And it was interesting. That was like a starting point, like a major strong boundary. That was the beginning of strong boundaries for me. Yeah. So there's so many things there. Because you said that there are so many, like strong barriers to Yeah, not wanting to hang up the phone. But this is why so boundary work. I work with people with boundary work. And the foundation of boundary work is emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence. In a nutshell, like, I'm not doing any credit to the whole vast study of it. But in a nutshell, it is understanding where emotions come from, and emotions come from our thoughts. So when we can understand that emotional intelligence, like something happens, someone's like yelling on the phone, and we have a thought about it. Like, I need to protect my friend's feelings. And so we feel responsible, the emotion of feeling responsible, then we don't take the action of hanging up the phone, but it is our thought, that's creating our feeling think we have to understand that first comes the thought before the feeling. And otherwise, we get all messed up. And we think that hanging up the phone has the power to make our friend feel a certain way, like our friend. So when I say to my dad, Hey, Dad, if you keep yelling, I'm gonna hang up the phone, and then I hang up. Yeah. If I don't say that, because I'm like, Oh, my God, then my dad's gonna be mad. And I'm taking responsibility for my parents emotions, which is codependency, like you were taking responsibility for someone else's emotions. I wouldn't hang up the phone, and then I sort of abandoned myself. But in this idea, it's like I hang up the phone, my dad could be on the other side of the call. And he could think he could think wow, look at her like, she's got some boundaries. Okay. And he feels like the I don't know, even a little printout of what? Yeah, like, check it out. Or he could think what a disrespectful snotty daughter and feel annoyed, but his feeling whether he's feeling annoyed or proud, or based on his thoughts. 100% like, this is why like, if one of my sons today called me and they're like, Hey, Mom, I don't allow someone to I don't know, I'm an early riser. Maybe I call them at 6am. Or I wouldn't call but maybe I text. They're like, Hey, Mom, could you stop texting at six? Because I like to sleep or whatever. If they don't say that, because they think I'm going to be upset or I'm going to be hurt or I'm going to that's hard on our relationship. Because then they're not as honest. But them saying that I 100% guarantee me as a parent, I'm gonna be like, Oh, son for speaking up for your stuff. Yeah, and I. So boundaries, we really have to understand emotional intelligence, that things happen in our lives. And based on the thoughts or the ways that we sort of take in those experiences. That's how we feel what we feel, because different people will be in the same experience, and have different feelings all the time. And if we are thinking that we're responsible for someone else's feelings, like your friend, when you're not hanging up the phone or it is much harder for us to set boundaries. Yeah, for sure. So how like in your case, how Did you give yourself love and compassion? Because you were in this really, really long marriage, you did all this counseling? And then you had to start setting these boundaries. How did you do that? Yeah, I would say that the love and compassion, I remember having a therapist, and she was like trying to get me to do the like, I send love to me. And I think I was just in such a dark place of survival mode, that I really, I mean, I was like a mama bear. Like I have my three sons, I was trying to scrape together how to get custody and how not to be homeless with them. So there was there was not much room for me to be nice to myself. I definitely did that afterwards with my coach, but in the moment, not so much. I'm a very like, literal person. And so when I started to understand emotional intelligence, that I'm not doing something to someone else, when I'm setting a boundary, I'm actually just speaking up for myself. Yeah. And it's what started to shift things. So because my dad, like, if I say, Dad, I'm gonna hang up the phone, and I did and I hang up the phone, I'm not shaming him or telling him he shouldn't yell at his daughter, he could stay on the phone and keep yelling at her. And just like, I'm not telling him what to do. Another example that comes up often that maybe listeners can relate to more, because maybe their father doesn't yell at them. I think he doesn't, if it's not a boundary for them. But oftentimes, we have people in our lives who will call or who will get together and just like complain and complain and complain, like maybe a mother or mother in law or a sister or whatever. And because we're people pleasers, because we're just sort of like afraid of what that person is going to do. We might stay on the phone and listen to them. And we might even complain to our friends about the person complaining. The like, Oh, my God, I just got off the boat was easy again. And it was another 20 minutes talking about the same old thing, et cetera. So that feels icky to us. And we're being like a deceiver to our friend. Like we're staying on the phone and pretending this sort of like, yeah, that we're listening. But we're not. That's where sort of people deceiving comes from instead of people pleasing, where we're not being honest and open with our friend. And a boundary there could be. I've seen people do boundaries and help people do boundaries, and several things with that. Like, first of all, just sort of being like, hey, I have 20 minutes to talk today. And then say the friend usually talks for an hour. And then they're like, Okay, you're getting to the end of the 20 minutes, and I'm about to hang up the phone, okay, I'm hanging, hung up the phone and you hang up the phone, like that. And that feels incredibly uncomfortable to our nervous system. But like you have 20 minutes to spend, you're choosing to spend 20 minutes to listen to complaining, you're sort of in a more empowered place, not feeling so victim, like, oh, I have to be on the phone, and listen to my mom complain for 20 minutes, because she's so lonely. It's like, No, I'm choosing, I'll give her 20 minutes fine. I love my mom, that's what I'm choosing to do. And then when you hang up the phone, she could call someone else and complain. Like if you're changing old patterns of behavior, and your mom is used to calling you every single day and complaining and you're sort of her fix for for loneliness, she will have a moment of like hardness she might push back people often do in long standing relationships. But what I find more often than not, is that they then fill that void elsewhere. So instead of getting into the lecturing of say you have a mom, that's super lonely, and she keeps calling you and you're like, Well, Mom, you should go join a book club. And you should do like advice giving when she's not asking for advice. She's fine talking to you, and getting all her loneliness out. You set the boundary that you've got 20 minutes to talk like no longer are you available for an hour or whatever. The mother will react a little bit at first usually, but then what usually happens is she finds someone else to complain to. So instead of you then she finds the neighbor she finds her sister she find so you're not telling her she shouldn't complain. You're not getting into her business. Because she wants to spend her day complaining about being lonely. She totally can. It's like I love you, mom, and I'm not available for this. Yeah, absolutely love that. And it's interesting as women I think that we feel like we are giving and we're of service to others by being a people pleaser. But I love how you talk about being a people to Seaver because when you're people pleasing and you really like in this case, talking to somebody for an hour when you really don't have that hour and you have 20 minutes that's deceiving. That's really, really powerful to really powerful point. Absolutely. Love that. Well, one of the things that I find often comes up in coaching sessions is people will say some version of expressing discomfort that like people don't know the real me or people don't get the real me like this sort of like deep loneliness of wanting to be well understood. And when we're sort of digging around, there is a peace there that they don't feel seen and understood because they're not showing themselves or yeah, they're not being that true person like when when someone asks me like a friend is like, Hey, are you available to do XYZ that I don't want to do? And I say yes. So I'm lying. People missing is lying. Yes. So I'm saying yes, I do want to do that. And we go and I fake it and I and then I come home and I feel you know, unheard. It is a very out of integrity way to live. versus saying, like, what I'm not good with dinners. I much prefer lunches. Can we get together for lunch? And your friend is like, Oh, actually, I really, I'm a night owl I really enjoy and you're like, aren't great, then. I hope you find someone to go out to dinner with you. But I'm not good at night. So when you want to get out with me, we go out and lunch. Yeah, it's it is this is also codependency, codependency. I define it as being overly involved with someone else's feeling state or experience. So like if a friend asked us and she's like, our friend is going through a divorce. And she's like, I'm so lonely. And the kids aren't with me tonight. Can you go out to dinner? And you're there and your life is full? And you don't like doing dinners out on weekdays or whatever? And you say yes. Because you're feeling overly responsible for her feeling state? Like you're feeling like if you say no, then the poor thing is going to have a hard time. So you say yes, you go to dinner, you maybe put a nice face on you come home, you don't feel hurt or under and also, when we don't speak up for ourselves. That is a fast track to the land of BS, bitter and sour. Where you're just like, like someone says, are you fine? And you're like, Yes. And you're like slam and stuff. All right, you are stone, fine, just let's be more open and honest. And so that's why like the people please are to become that to step out of that. It's just trying to be a little more honest with yourself, but also with others. I did this all the time when my kids were young in school, someone would say can you volunteer for this? And I would be looking externally for a broom. So sure I can I'll make the brownies. And then I'm home making brownies. I'm not a baker. I don't enjoy baking and then what is happening? I'm in that like, Bs place that Bitterns our like, yeah, so I'm trying to do something to be sort of, quote unquote, that good mom, and school and my kids, I'm sniffing at them because I'm like, don't you understand? I'm making brownies for your school. And they're like, whoa, mom. I don't even know what they're talking about. And then the Berkson at school? It's just people printing is so interesting, because in me saying yes to that person at school. Sure, I'd love to make brownies. That's a lie. First of all, second, unlike missing out made by send her she's like, can you make brownies? I'm like, No, I'm really not a baker. You give that relationship a place to grow, where she's like, Oh, my gosh, I'm not either. And that's an I feel so guilty, because I thought moms are supposed to be bakers. And then you open up to this, this deeper level of vulnerability. And this openness, it's just not being all of this is intertwined. Emotional Intelligence, codependency, people pleasing. And when we can sort of step out of this thinking that we're responsible for everyone else's feelings, and relationships and all that. What is on the other side is a feeling of lightness. And freedom, is what my clients will describe and what I describe. So now fast forward, I've been married for five years to my second husband, we are very open and honest. And it is free, like absolutely free. And by ask him, Hey, do you want to go for a walk? I'm stressed? And he says, No, I'm like, okay, great. Like you always get to ask for what you want. But the other person doesn't need to meet all your needs like you. Absolutely. Yeah, I love some of the things that you have women practice. So some of your advices you say practice saying things like, number one, I've changed my mind. Now I want to talk a little bit about this one because I was that person that would say something and then I think, oh, no, I can never change my mind. And then my son is 19 now but during his teen years, there were times I had to change my mind because raising a teen it's very fluid. There's a lot of changes things going on. And I realized I have the right to change my mind. So I love these five things that you say practice saying things like number one, I've changed my mind. Number two, no, that doesn't work for me. Three, I need some space for I'm not sure how I feel. Five. Let me think about it. And what I love about some of these answers to is, we live in this society where everybody wants an answer right now, give me an answer right now get get back to me do this, do that. Give yourself some space. It's okay to give your I love these things that you recommend people that women practice saying. Yeah, well, one exercise that people love doing is I say, put yourself on a 24 hour Yes. Diet. Where? Because we have this automatic Yes, someone's like, can you make the brownies? And you're like, in our sort of, like, programming and insecurities? We're like, yes. And so just practice saying, like, I'll get back to you. Or I need some time, we'll have that practice, saying, I'll get back to you practice giving yourself more time and space to give people an answer. It's just in our world, we feel so often, like, we need to give it that answer right away. But we don't. In the reason why is because we're linking it to our, like, love and belonging, like we have. And I just like to give all listeners just compassion for themselves. Like, it's not that you're a total mess up. It is rooted in our deepest DNA, that we have this desire to belong to groups. So when someone asks for something, our inclination, is like in deeply in our biology is to say to please, and then in our conditioning, to be the good girl to be that, like you were saying, Don't be selfish. But selfish usually leads us like, well, we're so programmed to not be selfish. We end up being selfless, if we don't even know who we are, what we like, what we're, and so we need to get better with this. And one thing that can help listeners is I get really specific and just say, like, do a 24 hour. Yes, diet. So that what that means is that when someone asked me if I even had them, say like my coach says, do it 24 I'm like, I can't say yes. For two eyebrows. I'll get back to you tomorrow, or I'll get like, I can't get back to you right now. Or I need to get home. Just delay it. Instead. I love it to lay the yes, that's the way I love that answer that is automatic. And if they push you because people will push you if they okay. Okay, if you need an answer, no, then it's no, that's easy. I love that. Fantastic, fantastic. And so what I also want to point out here that's hard for people is when we are changing out of this conditioning, we are going to feel something we called guilt. But I like thinking of guilt as just evidence that we're coming up against old conditioning. Not that we've done something wrong, often I'll hear us and we're like, I feel guilty as if we've done something wrong. But guilt really is like a big ol red flag in our brain that we're coming up against conditioning. So unless nurses can just sort of feel the guilt, be curious and be like, Oh, okay, this is so interesting. Look at I must be coming up against conditioning. And give yourself permission to do the yes, 20 for our diet. Anyhow, one thing that's were helpful because our brain doesn't know whether we're present, future or path is if they can even practice those five things in the mirror. Like if they practice in the mirror saying like, I've changed my mind. Or that doesn't work for me, or just the simple like, I'll get back to you. Yep, try practicing that. And so when they're practicing it, but I would just say like notice in their chest what it feels like, like they might feel tight, even saying that like out loud. Now listening to the podcast with no one else around. Yeah. Because it is so ingrained in us Yes, to make a decision. And then to not change your mind to not go back. This is sort of deeper than we can get into pencast. But it's back to what we were saying in the beginning of self compassionate and like, literal, like radical self compassion is recognizing we can be right and wrong and black and white and awful and awesome. And in that acceptance of ourselves, that's where we can be like, Yeah, I change my mind, right. So to practice just saying in front of the mirror, like I'll get back to you. It seems small. But for anyone who's like, Oh, that's too small try once a day in the mirror, try saying it and then try saying it out loud to someone that in itself, like that's how we start doing anything. It's not like this switch overnight that suddenly you're going to be this like boundary expert and making him everywhere. But starting small. Yeah, with something, something like that is great. Another place that I love people practicing people pleasing and stepping out of people pleasing, is I say start with the waiter. So just notice, like yourself, because I did this to like I would order something I have this very clear memory of ordering tacos and I wanted the false I didn't want the guacamole and the waiter brought the guacamole and didn't bring the salsa. And my first inclination was like Is everything fine? I was about to be like and instead I said actually asked for the salsa And in my family of origin, my mom would have been like, say, don't speak up for yourself, you know, but in this That felt so difficult for me to be liked. And I remember I was sitting with my husband, my current husband, and I said to him, I said, Wow, that felt so hard. And he's like, that's so interesting. He's like, You are literally paying this man to bring you something that you want, and he brought you the wrong thing. And you're feeling uncomfortable with it. And I was like, no, 100% I am, like, and so I would say like, start with some of these relationships that are a little less close. Do you like the Waiter? Yes, yes. And this being honest, like, Actually, I didn't order the guacamole, or I don't want that delivered at this time or whatever. And it's neutral. You're not getting angry at the waiter. You're just saying, Hey, I didn't order the guacamole. Man. Right? This also plays like that. It doesn't have to be emotionally charged either. No. And that's one of my podcast episodes. I did boundaries without the bitchiness. Oh, because right toxic, you will know if you've waited too long to set boundaries if you come out super harsh, which is where sometimes my listeners and clients are because we've shut it down for so long that finally we're like, gone too long, with the sort of fake smile of everything's booked here. Yeah, and then we tip over into that place that it isn't happy. But a true boundary is feel so calm and, and centered and grounded, like saying to the waiter, first of all true boundary, if you're saying that to the to the waiter, and you're speaking up for yourself, and you're like actually ordered the salsa, you're also taking into consideration what I was saying before about emotional intelligence and codependency, like you thinking that you're not responsible for what he feels like, this waiter might be like, Oh, I'm so glad I've been having a problem with this. Like, right, I need to pay more attention to detail. I want that raise next week. And he might feel really grateful that you said something he might think something like, oh, right, I did and feel very neutral about it like, right, let me go, he might not even like not give much thought to it at all. Or he might think like, God, this lady should have just sucked it up and had the guacamole. Like, that's probably the least possible option. But that's where our brain goes when we don't. Yeah. But again, it's sort of interweaving these three things that we are not responsible for other people's feelings, states and experiences. That is their thoughts, and the healthy relationships, all of them have healthy boundaries. They are not something you do to someone else. They are something they are a guideline for how you should be treated. I love it. Yeah, it's really, really freeing. Yeah, so I just really, really wanted to share with my listeners, something that you have shared. And it's something that comes up a lot. It's nine things to say when someone asks you a personal question, you don't want to answer. How often does that come up? I mean, it can come up a lot, where people ask you a question, and you don't want to answer it. And I love the suggestions. Number one. Okay, so nine things to say when someone asks you a personal question that you don't want to answer. So this is another way to set a boundary. Number one, I'm not comfortable answering that. Let's switch the topic. Number two, my answer hasn't changed since the last time you've asked. I prefer if you didn't bring it up again. Number three is really simple. It's kind of my favorite, because it's just really simply, you just say, I'd prefer not to answer that. And then if they start as people do, resisting you, you use the broken record technique, which is, I prefer not to answer that. Yeah, I just prefer not to answer that. You just keep saying that. You just keep saying that over and over and over number four. I've told you that I am not comfortable answering this. Please don't bring it up again. Number five, I understand why you're curious. It's just not something I want to discuss. I really liked that one, too. I understand what that you're curious. I get that. But it's just not something I want to discuss. Yeah, I'm, I like that one. Number six. Thanks for asking. Just not ready to answer that question, though. And that goes back to that whole thing. We're putting off the yes for for 24 hours. Why do we have to give that answer right now. Don't have to give it right now. Number seven. It really negatively impacts me when you continue to ask me this question. After I've asked you not to, which can be a little charged that one. And I know you didn't write these someone named Amanda White did but I love that you publish them. And that's a little later in the round. Like if you've set the boundary several times. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, exactly. So number eight, asking that question puts a ton of pressure on me. I'm sure you didn't mean it that way. But I'd really prefer not to answer that. And lastly, number nine, that's a good question. And I wish I knew that answer, but I don't. I'll let you know when I figure it out. Yeah. And I just like to highlight everyone, someone asking a question doesn't mean you need to answer it is just like they have this curiosity. Like they're not wrong for asking, maybe they are like, yeah, what do you feel about your son breaking up with his girlfriend over text? Maybe like their areas? And you get to say, yeah, I get those questions. I mean, that's a boundary I have. I don't talk about my kids to other people about their personal lives. I don't Yeah, pretty much, ever. Yeah, it's that I'll meet you there. But it but it is interesting how many people ask us about our kids a lot of questions they can ask. And you're just like, oh, actually, I don't talk about my kids with other people. So one thing I would encourage listeners to do, if they're interested in like, feeling more free in their relationships, is to set a timer for three minutes and just start brainstorming what your little instruction book would be like for you. Like, what are some boundaries you have was in these cases are internal and external. So one of the things that I have done is I know, with myself, I've set the boundary, I don't talk about my kids unless they're present. So when someone asks me, well, what do you think about your son breaking up with his girlfriend and that? I'm like, Oh, actually, I don't talk about that. That's my response. Like, add that as number 10. To the list of things. I say, when people ask personal questions like, oh, I don't talk about my kids when they're not present. Or you think about his girlfriend doing this. I'm like, Oh, I don't talk about my son's girlfriends. It's just easy, like, shut down. And they ask, but I'm just like, No, I don't. But back to no matter what the question is, say, they're like, what happened with the results of your mammogram? And you're, you're like, what? I'm not comfortable talking about it. Tonight. Let's change the topic. That's one of my favorite. I love it. Why don't want to talk about that right now. Yeah, thanks for asking. And I'd say thanks for asking if I'm not thankful that they ask because usually with with some of these things, if someone's close enough to you, you're gonna tell them these things. And they're just sort of digging in out of that. I don't know why they're digging in. But that that again, it's that's on them. Yeah. Yeah. And, and to not get all like begun to ask, and you get to say, No, you don't have to. And yeah, people ask you, I would say I wanted to just point out to something that popped in my head. And this has really been within the last few years, too. And I've tried to teach my son about it. Don't feel like you have to tell everybody everything. You can tell people on a need to know basis. And it's really powerful. Because do you really sometimes when you spill out every single detail, you're almost giving your power away, and it doesn't feel good. And so just tell people what they need to know that's important to know or that you want to tell them. You don't have to, but you don't have to tell them every single thing. And that's very empowering. Yeah, so I call that like over explaining. And explaining Love it. Love it. Love it. Yeah. And to just notice when we are over explaining, because that usually comes from a place of insecurity. I wouldn't say that to my sons, because they like calling out someone else's insecurity. But but just noticing, like when we are over explaining in ourselves, moreover, explaining it is usually coming from this, this idea that there's a right or wrong answer, and we need to prove it. This is something I continually work with because of my background. I had to always sort of prove myself and infer yourself. Yes, yeah. And so what's that like, Oh, my God, let me tell you why I love why I'm five minutes late because I went to the store and then there was a flight and there was a zit. And it's just like, if listeners notice themselves doing that, to just try to like take a breath. Just stop talking. Just sort of do something. I like putting my hand on my heart. It's like, oh, okay, I'm feeling defensive right now are some like, this is something I don't need to over explain myself here. I don't need to go into this. Like I just it's sort of slowing down the energy of like, frantic, like, let me explain how I'm not wrong. And it is freeing to just just sort of stop like, alright, they might think I'm wrong. Okay, what do I think? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Susie, this has been an absolutely amazing conversation. I've just been thinking, what an amazing human being you are. Because your childhood I mean, having your father was was right. And you you were a perfectionist, and you're a people pleaser, and you didn't have boundaries. And of course, you're married into that that same pattern, but you eventually came out the other side and you learned and you grew you are a completely different person. You had the courage to grow and to set those boundaries in yourself and I think as women, this is such an incredibly important topic. Is there anything else that you would like to share with my listeners about this topic of boundaries because this has been an incredibly powerful conversation. Yeah, I guess two things. One, if listeners feel that they spend a lot of their time in the feeling state of feeling annoyed, or frustrated, that is a sign that they could benefit from some boundary work. And so to 100%, find someone that they can work with, with boundaries, because it is freeing it actually, once you start learning how to set them from a self empowering place, your life starts to change quite quickly, in magnificent ways. And the other part that I just wanted to highlight and when you were just speaking back over Thank you kindly of my past and everything you had asked, When did I start taking like being more compassionate with myself, there was a moment, it wasn't so much of when I started being more compassionate with myself, it was more of when I started to see myself more as a victor than a victim, which is crucial. So if we're feeling like things are happening to us, or like, we're feeling so stuck in our life, or like, we're so responsible, that's just so victime and so heavy. And for my particular circumstance, I remember exactly where I was sitting, I was on a call with my coach. And I was doing going over like I had met with therapists for years. And then I had this one call with a coach who I then had many calls afterwards with, but my first call with her, and I was sitting in I was telling her my whole story about my parents, my dad, and my money lost. And by this, I mean that and she's like, stop, just like, what if you had the exact parents, you were meant to have to become the woman you are today. And the shift in that mindset from victime. To victory, like I still get goosebumps today. Yeah. And then that moment, everything changed in how I showed up and how I went forward. And whereas that exact thinking of like, maybe you had the exact parents you need to have to have today maybe that sentence won't work for everyone, but working with someone to look at the thoughts that you're thinking about your life, about your past about your current reality is work worth doing. Because those thoughts are creating how we're feeling in our lives, they're driving the actions we take in our lives, and those are the results we're seeing in our life. And I love working with coaches for that reason, because you can't see what you can't see. And in our head, it's almost like a computer running some old virus and just getting some clarity and you can start with podcasts like yours, that's what I love. That's why I got into podcasting because when I was in the basement and I had this controlling husband he said I couldn't buy books and I couldn't do certain things and he didn't know about podcasts back then back in 2012 and and so I would listen and I started to expand my brain and think of different ways and so just today listeners listening to this if they're feeling any sort of like a maybe boundaries or maybe codependency or go in the podcast app and put in the the search bar codependency boundaries or go to I mean I offer so much for free on my website. I know you have so many great resources to it's there are so many places to get started slowly my just my life goal is to just empower more women to live lives they love and so with work to follow that spark I love it Susie I know I've you just radiate that your essence and it's so beautiful. It's just incredible and you lived it like you lived it, you did it and now you're helping others do it. Well I know that my listeners are going to want to reach out to you and I think some of them are going to want to work with you on boundaries because it's so important so please share with us how we can find you well the greatest place I run a school now called the Love Your Life School which is for the fraction of a coaching price you get live coaching in there where I wanted I've just been dreaming of this place where I can have courses on boundaries and courses on it literally like I set it up like a school I used to be a school teacher and I just love as adults we don't stop learning at age 25 Like we keep going through the developmental stages and I just wanted a place where we can go and have that support so I do have the Love Your Life School and I have the love your life podcast. So if their listeners of this, I think they'll love my podcast show and just, you know, Saturday one, because we talked about boundaries and codependency and everything your listeners in particular might really like a free quiz that I have called how codependent Are you love it. Yes, it's just so fun and I'll give you the link but it is my Westworld S M B O da which is the abbreviation for Kota codependency perfect and I'll be sure to find one people like like sort of like oh, how bad is it? Yeah, I'll be sure to put all of that in the show notes for my list. Nurse, you are just pure joy, pure joy. And yeah, it's been. It's been a really enlightening conversation today. Susie, thank you so much for sharing your time and your wisdom. And we got to stay in touch girlfriend. Yeah, I know. I agree. Yep. Thank you again for for sharing all your wisdom today. Thank you. Hey, everyone. Thanks so much for taking time out of your busy life to listen to today's episode. I love learning about what makes you brave. I'm here with you. I see you. I hear you and I want to hear from you. I want to know how you're showing up as being brave and authentic. Connect with me on Instagram at she's brave podcast, or come join our community in the she's brave podcast Facebook group. I'm sending you so much love. Until next time. Keep being brave.