EP. 17 Is Single Motherhood Really That Hard? The Realities No One Talks About

In this episode, Lisa and Yaira discuss the realities of single motherhood, exploring the challenges, mental load, and the importance of support systems. They share personal stories and insights on navigating parenting, dating, and financial responsibilities while emphasizing the need for understanding and validation from society. The conversation highlights the resilience of single moms and the unique struggles they face, ultimately aiming to foster connection and community among listeners.

Takeaways

• Single motherhood is a unique challenge that requires resilience.
• The mental load of parenting often goes unseen.
• Single moms often feel alone, even with a support system.
• It's important to advocate for your child's needs.
• Dating as a single mom comes with its own set of challenges.
• Financial responsibilities can be overwhelming for single moms.
• Single moms often juggle multiple roles and responsibilities.
• Finding time for self-care is crucial but difficult.
• Community and support are vital for single moms.
• Sharing experiences helps validate the struggles of single motherhood.

About Yaira G:
Yaira is a faith-driven, intentional single mom to her “Mini Me,” choosing progress over perfection and growing stronger with grace every day.

Connect with Yaira G

Instagram - @jida_go
TikTok - @RealLife_withJiida

Host:
Lisa

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Transcript

Meet Jaida And Pandemic Origins

SPEAKER_03 0:17

Okay, welcome back. Hi, I am Lisa. I am the host of the Mom is my emergency contact podcast. So today we're talking about single mom life, the life where your coffee is cold, your phone is on 12%, and someone needs a permission slip signed right now that you definitely never heard about. Single mom life is being the mom, the manager, the therapist, the uber driver, and the emotional support human all at the same time. You're running a full household, making executive decisions on zero sleep, and somehow still expected to show up looking like you have your life together. So today I'm joined by a guest who gets it because she's a single mom too. She knows the chaos, the exhaustion, the dark humor, and the moments where you ask yourself, How am I still standing and why am I the only adult here? We're gonna talk about the real stuff, the struggles, the pressure, the invisible labor, and we're going to laugh because if we don't laugh, girl, we might cry in the car in the driveway, which I think we've all done, right? If you're a single mom listening, welcome. You're not alone, you're not crazy, and yes, this episode is for you. Let's get into it. So please welcome Jida.

SPEAKER_00 1:38

Hey, hi Lisa, how are you?

SPEAKER_03 1:41

Did I say that right, Jaida? You said it perfectly correct. Oh shit, I messed that up. Okay. All right. Okay. Jida, thank you so much for coming on here. So um remember how we first met? Yeah. Pretty much social media. Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 2:00

In an app called Clubhouse. Is that still around? I think it is, but I don't think everybody uses it the way we used to. But it was definitely during pandemic times, I'll tell you that. And I was very up to date with Clubhouse when it was around. Girl, we were hopping and popping up in Clubhouse. I had all kinds of rooms. I was in all the rooms. I was trying to moderate rooms. I remember that. I remember that's how I think I got you there too. Because of one of the groups, and we were talking about imperfect parenting.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 2:31

So that was a big one. And you came up on stage with us.

SPEAKER_03 2:35

Oh my God, that's right. On stage. Oh man, that man, that was a time, right? It was another pandemic. We need another pandemic. Um, anyways.

What People Get Wrong About Single Moms

SPEAKER_00 2:46

Not like that though. So tell me a little bit about yourself. Well, I live in Massachusetts, so go patz. Um, and um also I am a single mom. I have been a single mom for about five years. I was married, separated from my husband, and we got a divorce a couple years ago because of the pandemic. It took a little longer to get the divorce. I have lived alone with my daughter since she was two years old. She is now seven and a half. Um, and you know, we've gone through lots of ups and downs. And as you said, I'm still here and I have no idea how. I know, girl.

SPEAKER_03 3:33

Sometimes I'm like, first of all, is God testing me? Is the universe testing me? Girl. And how am I still standing? Yeah, uh, you I deal with that on a daily basis. Um so today is gonna be a little bit different because I really want to have just this really fun time with you and kind of throw out some topics that really impact us single moms, especially when we hear certain people say certain things and we're just like, you know, we do that little eye roll. Like, didn't they just say that? They just said that, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:09

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 4:10

Um, so it's kind of a reality check because I don't think people realize how fucking hard it is.

SPEAKER_00 4:18

Like it's really hard. Right? It's mentally, physically, spiritually, like all of the above, it is hard. So, you know, parenting is hard in general, but being a single parent is just a whole nother level.

SPEAKER_03 4:34

Yeah. I I was just gonna say that because I don't I don't want to take away, you know, just being a mom. Obviously, being a mom is a hard job, right? Absolutely. Um, and I'm not saying, and we're not gonna we're not saying here one is better than the other or we're more badass than you are. Well, sometimes I feel that way. But anyways, um it's different. It is a different kind of badassery. Um, but I think that you gotta understand, people need to understand that it's one person, you don't got a backup, you don't, I mean, we got we have backups when we need them sometimes, but there's nobody else in the house to talk to. And nobody, you can't just like leave the room and be like, oh my God, I can't believe she just did that. Oh my god, I need your help. You know, there's none of that. You're literally like, shit, I need to like express myself, not in front of her, and where the fuck do I go? So I hide in the bathroom.

SPEAKER_00 5:32

Yes, girl, I have to hide in the bathroom. But of course you get that knock, knock, knock.

SPEAKER_03 5:37

Oh, of course. Yes, I still can't go to the bathroom by myself. Anyways, so let's talk about a couple of single mom reality checks. Okay. So one of the things when we first spoke was the you were a single mom for the weekend. And I sometimes hear this from other women who are married that say, Oh, I I I can understand what you're going through because you know, my husband um, you know, went out with his boys for the weekend, and I had to be a single mom on my own. And every time I hear this, I'm like, but he comes back. He comes back. So what are your thoughts on that?

Sick Kids And No Backup Reality

SPEAKER_00 6:22

Um, same thing. Like, I have a friend of mine who her husband goes away traveling um for work all the time as well. And again, he comes back. So my thing is is like perfect example. This past weekend, my daughter was sick. There's all kinds of stuff flowing around. My daughter got sick. Who was the person that had to take care of everything?

SPEAKER_01 6:43

Me.

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Who had to make the doctor's appointments? Me, who had to make sure that she was eating or not eating, or the times of the medications, or what time was that last fever at? Because you couldn't just say, hey, write this down for me real quick. Because it's just me. I had to go to um CVS and grab some medicine for her. Guess what? I couldn't leave with her sick. I didn't have anybody here that I could say, can I go to CVS real quick? Guess what I had to do? I had to do it and do like a DoorDash or an Instacart or something like that and get all the medicine and then pay all those extra fees, unfortunately. But, you know, thank goodness that we have those types of things now. Because back then, I know that there was nothing like that. And if you needed the medication, you either told your neighbor to grab the baby really quick or you used to go. And unfortunately, you would have to take the sick kid in the car because I had to do that before too. So I get it and I'm there. And, you know, I think that, especially on the weekends, when you literally want to tag someone in and just say, I just need to take a ride to grab a cup of coffee and I'll be right back. I need 10, 15 minutes. I just need 10, 15 minutes. And I I use this example a lot too, that there's an episode on Bluey where the mom actually says, I just need 20 minutes to myself. And the kid starts knocking, like, did we do something? And I was like, sometimes you didn't do anything. Sometimes the kid didn't do anything. It's just that mental and physical load of everything being on you that you just need a couple minutes. Well, in that episode, the dad could jump in and say, Okay, I want to grab the kids and go outside with them. I don't have that luxury. And if you do have friends or like a support system, that's great, but they're not just gonna come over if you need 20 minutes. Right. You know, if you just need a couple of minutes for yourself, or if you just need to take a ride real quick. So I feel like a lot of people just don't understand that you're the only adult there. You're the only person that is taking that mental load and that tantrum. Whether it's, you know, a couple of hours and a couple of minutes or a couple of days, you still have someone that can save you later, that can help you later, that you can say, you know what, I've been dealing with this all day, or you've been gone all weekend, or you know, you went away for the week. I need a day to myself. I need to take a hot shower without a kid knocking on my door, something. You know? So I feel like that's the difference, especially with, you know, the the moms that are pretty much all alone or single or don't have a lot of like support. Right.

SPEAKER_03 9:10

And I don't want people to hear this and be like, oh, these single moms bitching, you know, blah, blah. We're not victimizing. We're not, yeah, we're not bitching, we're not victimizing, but just an understanding. Yeah, yeah. Like I said, being a mother is bad enough. And I think a lot of moms are gonna listen to this who are married and be like, well, I feel like that too. Then I'm gonna say maybe you should be a single mom. Oh, just kidding.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

Maybe you should be a single mom. And I know people who feel like that too. They're like, I feel like a single mom all the time. And it's like, I understand that. But again, you at least have that one person that even if you just have to go for 15 minutes, you have that one person to watch the kids so they don't do anything dangerous, you know, or something that, you know, they're gonna walk out the door or make a phone call that they're not supposed to, whatever. So you at least have that other adult, whether they act like an adult or not, that's on the person.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 10:04

But, you know, I'm not trying to downsize parenting at all or downsizing moms that feel a certain type of way. It's just a different feeling and a different type of lifestyle that we have to live that people don't usually understand.

SPEAKER_03 10:18

Right, right. Yeah. Yeah. Um, yeah, like, you know, I, you know, back in the day, I never knew how it, I forgot how it felt like to poop by myself. I mean, I had can I poop by myself? Like what? I had the daughter, I had the dogs in the room with me. I had my daughter on the floor crying, like, mommy, I'm like, oh my God, I just want to poop.

SPEAKER_00 10:41

Um you see the little hand underneath the door, like, tell me you never saw that hand. Come on, you saw the little hand, or you would see a note. Are you okay?

unknown 10:52

Oh my God.

The Invisible Mental Load

SPEAKER_03 10:52

Are you kidding me right now? Like, I know, it's crazy. Um, so one thing that you just mentioned, which you know brings us to the second topic, is the mental load no one sees. And I can honestly say for myself, who was brought up by a single mom, I'll never forget the day where I came to my mother crying. And I'm I'm literally crying. I said, I am so sorry. I didn't know. I didn't know how hard. And mind you, she had two kids, and she was, you know, she was going to college at the time. She didn't have like the financial security that I did when I was a single mom. Like that woman fucking hustled. And I remember like crying to her, and she's like, Oh, it's okay. I'm like, no ma, I can't, you know, no ma, I get it. I get like I could I it was at that moment that I finally saw, foundly, you know, I I finally saw her and all the load that she had to carry. So let's talk about that invisible labor of being a single mom and what's the mental checklist that never shuts off for single moms? Like it does there's checklists that moms in general, like again, I want to say that because I this is not bashing anybody, but just what's those extra mental checklists that just never shuts off for us?

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Well, just like you, I grew up with a single mom. She was a single mom of four, and I was one of four, so I was the last one out of the house. Um, so I saw a lot of different stages with my older siblings. Um, I think the thing that I saw the most was my mom working so much and not being able to break down. She worked two, sometimes three jobs. She would do something on the side to hustle. Um, you know, I I'm I'm first generation um Dominican. She came when she was very, very young to this country and all she knew was to work. So I think that um nowadays we talk about the mental load and you know how we have to have like mental, you know, health days and all of these things. And we're talking about that stuff. But back in the day, we never talked about that. My mom would never say, I'm anxious, I'm depressed, I'm overwhelmed, I'm overstimulated. You don't hear those words before. So I can say those things, but who's there to actually listen to me, first of all? Or I can say, you know, I'm about to have a breakdown. But guess what? My seven-year-old is looking at me, and I can't have a breakdown right now because she's gonna feed off of that, and then she's gonna say, Oh, it's okay to cry and have a complete breakdown right now. And I have to be the example. And don't get me wrong, there have been times where she sees me crying, she gives me a big hug, she's a sweetheart, I love her to pieces. But then there are times where I say, no, I have to be strong for her. I need her to see that this certain thing or whatever the situation may be is not bothering me at this moment. Because then she's gonna look at that and say, when she's older, oh, I'm just gonna break down. That's fine. And it's okay to break down, but definitely there's a time and a place for it too. And the time and the place is not always just in front of your child. And if you always have your child with you, you don't have that time to like have that mental load, like to be able to cry or to be able to literally scream. Like there's nights where I just want to scream, but guess what? She's in the next room over. So it's it's just it's a different type of mentality that we need to have as single moms. And I just feel like a lot of people just don't get it because they don't see it, they don't know it, and we're not doing it in front of them. We can't even do it in front of our kid.

Balancing Strength And Vulnerability

SPEAKER_03 14:36

Yeah. So you unpacked a couple of things out that I want to touch upon. Um, yeah, the first one was seeing your mom working all the time. Man, that is something that it it kind of tugs at the heartstrings because I remember my mother um working full-time, you know, she had a full-time job, then she had a nighttime job. I mean, we were latch key kids. We, you know, she had the food ready. She's like, okay, I'm gonna mix, you know, here's your dinner. I'm gonna be home. What time are you gonna be home, mom? Just do your homework. I mean, that was back in the day, okay, before you people go crazy. I'm 51, so that was how it was. The Gen X. And I'm about to be 45, so yes. Yep. Yes. So we were pretty much left on our own and we did what we were told. We didn't do anything. We did the homework and then we went to bed, and my mom would come late, like 11 o'clock. I'd always wait for my mother, but then she also had to work on the weekends. Like, this is like not every single mom is also created different uh, you know, equally. You know, you got the single moms who do have that supportive uh co-parent relationship. Yes and then you have the single mom who literally has not on nothing, okay? Yep. Um, and my mother had nothing. And yes, it it really, you know, saying that when you said that, I was like, shit, yeah, I remember my mother always fucking working. And I remember saying to myself, I don't want to be like that. So the part where you said um not being able to break down, and you know, I think, you know, there's definitely needs to be a balance because I remember when I was divorced, going through a divorce, and I sought out therapy, and I'm like, no, I got, you know, I gotta be this strong woman, I gotta get, you know, whatever. And I remember the therapist, and mind you, I'm a former therapist, so this was kind of like the biggest aha moment when she said to me, Your daughter needs to see you at your low point too, because she's gonna think that she always has to be strong. And when she said that, I was like, shit. So we want to keep that balance of yes, we gotta we gotta get the we gotta have our shit together, but then we also have to be, you know, once in a while it's okay to cry, but maybe not the screaming, but not the screaming in the corner and rocking back and forth, but definitely the cry I mean I could have done that, I could have done this several times. Several times, but you know, I remember a couple of times I as soon as she said that to me, I said, Oh shit, yeah. So I cried in front of my daughter, and I remember my daughter's like, mommy, why are you crying? Because I'm tired. Because I'm tired, and why are you tired? Oh, honey, because it's just it's and I but I never made it about her. Um and that's the most important thing. You don't want to make it about her, but it is that mental load that truly nobody really sees, and there's so much chaos in the background. There's so much. I mean, that's it's in my head. It's gonna be in my head all night now. I gotta go to the circus. Constant. Um, I always like, you know, say to myself, you know, when people are like, oh, what what's one thing that'll make you happy? I'm like sleep like for 24 hours.

SPEAKER_00 18:08

Well, with me, unfortunately, I have super insomnia, so it's not even that easy to sleep. But yeah, I get that. That's true.

The No Backup Plan Club

SPEAKER_03 18:14

That's true too. Okay. All right. The other topic is, and you touched upon this as well, is that no backup plan club, okay? When there is literally no one to tag in, what happens when you're sick, exhausted, or emotionally tapped out? And you really touched upon this when we spoke in the beginning. And again, I say this to the women who don't have that type of relationship with a co-parent, or they're not there at all. Um, there is no one coming in, you know, that they are part of they're literally the um golden membership of the no backup plan club, the longtime membership. Yep. And but then you know, you do have the paint, the single moms who do have a a co-parent and is there, but I mean, you don't have that kind of relationship where you can say, Hey, hey, um, John, uh, do you mind picking up so-and-so? Like, I mean, I can honestly say I don't have that kind of relationship. So it's either me, myself, and I, but I do have my mother, and she does help a lot. Then, you know, I am very grateful for her. So talk a little bit more about the um the no backup plan club. I know you mentioned this at the beginning. So for you, do you have anybody around to help you at all?

Building A Small But Real Village

SPEAKER_00 19:51

So um, I'm gonna get a little personal right now, but um unfortunately I did lose my mom back in 2020. She had Alzheimer's. Um, so my daughter was very little. Um, when my ex-husband and I got separated, she passed away a couple months later. And unfortunately, when the matriarch goes, a lot of the family kind of goes with it. And my family, I have a few siblings. Like I said, I'm one of four, kind of went our own separate ways for a little while. We're in a way better place now. But, you know, when that all went down, it was very, very difficult for me. I think the number one thing that I want to tell people is if you have a village, no matter how small it is, use it. Use that village. Whether it's your mom, whether it's your sister, whether it's a friend for me. I have a really good friend. Um, I'll call her B for one of my besties. Um, I had surgery last year and I didn't have anywhere to go and I had nobody to take care of me. Um, and, you know, she helped a ton with my recovery. She helped a ton with, you know, um food, stuff like that. So I have a cousin of mine who's also a nurse who helped me. So if you have a few people, whether they live close by or not, if they can help you out a little bit, my number one advice is to use that village that you have, no matter how big or small it is. Because I definitely have that little village that I say, thank goodness I have this village, because I don't know what I would do without them. There are those times where I can't call upon them because either they're married, they have their own kids, they have their own life, they're working and stuff like that. So then I do have to deal with things on my own and I do have to figure it out on my own. Um, but I think that having a support system, even if it's just to talk to someone about the mental load or text somebody or something, um, it's very important to have that. Like you said, you have your mom and you can tell your mom, hey, I get it. And you know, you can kind of tell her little things that might happen if you get into an argument with your daughter or something. Something like that. I have my friend B who can help me. I have my cousin who can help me and kind of talk to me and talk me down a little bit off of that. I want to lose it right now on this kid. And if not, you know, I'm gonna step away instead. Um, to just kind of figure things out even for five minutes on my own for that. Or I'm gonna come over, I'm gonna grab her for you for today. You know what I mean? Stuff like that when the father isn't around as well. Um, you know, like I said, I do have the co-parent and we do have a pretty good relationship. In the beginning, it wasn't the best. That's what happens. Um, I have leaned a lot to my faith as well. I pray, and I have a little community where I go for my church and stuff, and I think that that's a big deal as well. Um, but I think to to to just go back is that that mini village is huge, huge to have.

Dating As A Single Mom

SPEAKER_03 23:03

Yeah. Yeah. I I am I am grateful that I have my mother to help out. I I I am. I mean, sometimes she drives me nuts, but yes, I do. I am grateful for it. Okay. So let's talk about the infamous dating while being a single mom. You know, the absolute. Oh, this could be a whole full episode, but I got you.

SPEAKER_00 23:25

We can do a whole other episode. Let's do a part two on that one. Um so what has been your your experience with this? Okay. Let me be real. I'm gonna keep it 100 like I have the entire time.

SPEAKER_02 23:43

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 23:43

I have been on all of the apps. You name them. I think I've tried them, I've paid for some. I've also been out and meet people, but for some reason, it's the apps for me. Um, I think that you need to understand where you are in your life to be able to say, I think I'm ready to start dating. It took me a long time after my husband, my ex-husband left to be able to say, I'm ready to start dating for real. I'm going to be intentional about the dating that I'm gonna do. I'm going to see the red flags as soon as I see them. And I know what I don't want because I already had that. So, you know, I have, I did date someone for a while. It did get pretty serious. But I knew in my heart that it probably wasn't going to be the right thing because I never introduced him to my daughter. And I know for a fact that if I would have introduced him to my daughter, she probably would have clung to him. He was a great guy. He was very nice. I will say he was one of the best boyfriends that I think I've had because he treated me like a queen. But there was something about him that I just didn't feel right. And if you don't feel right and you don't feel like you want to introduce them to your child, that's like a huge red flag. Not just white or pink or magenta. That's a red flag, like maroon wine red for me. So I'm I knew right then and there when I said, it's been six plus months and I haven't introduced him to Minnie Me. Okay, you know what? He's not the one. And I had to cut him off. And it hurt. But then I healed from that and said, I know exactly what I need and what I'm looking for now. And I'm not looking back. Um because I think that that's another thing that we always do. We look back. We're like, oh, what about that guy over there? What about it? Didn't work at that moment, but maybe it'll work now. No, I don't I don't look back because if it didn't work then, I didn't want to do something to my daughter then. Why would I do it a couple years later? Right, right. But the apps are kind of tough, not gonna lie. Um, I'm on them again. Maybe just one or two now. All right, maybe three, but I digress. Um you just have to know what to look for. You just have to know what you're looking for. You need to know if that person's gonna be serious too. You can't waste your time either just texting with somebody because for me, texting is not connecting. I'm gonna say that again. Texting is not connecting. Hearing someone's voice and seeing someone is something completely different. And I learned that back years ago. I mean, I come from the times with AOL chat that I used to meet people sometimes on AOL and AIM and you know, ASL, where are you, all the things. And I met people from then and I would see them and talk to them, and we'd chat, you know, in the instant messenger for days sometimes. And then you met that person and you said, Whoa, this is a completely different person than what I thought I was talking to. So I think the thing that people need to hear first is that meet them first. I'm not the type of person that I want to sit there with for dinner with a stranger for an hour or two. I call it a meet and greet for the first time after meeting someone online because I don't know you, you don't know me. Let's have a cup of coffee, let's have a drink, let's take a walk, let's do something very simple that's not gonna take two, three, four hours, and that either you're not gonna pay for me, and I don't even know if I'm gonna have the money for that, or you are gonna pay for me and then you want something else. Right.

SPEAKER_03 27:22

Like that's something else. You know what that's something else is, bro.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

You know what I'm saying? And I ain't doing that. I'm all set with that. Okay. I'm good. Like, no, that's why you can have a coffee. I can have a coffee. You spend five, ten dollars on me, maybe at Starbucks or somewhere, and that's it. Because if I know, once I see you, once I talk to you, once I feel the body language or the connection, because again, texting is not connecting. Once I feel that connection with someone, I'm gonna know if I want to see them again. And I'm also not gonna waste my time because my time is very valuable. I only have a certain little window that I can say, I don't have my daughter. I can't go up with you today. And someone has to understand that I am a single mom. I don't have babysitters like on deck, or I don't have the money to be spending on babysitters because babysitters aren't charging five dollars an hour like they used to. These sitters, girl, that's another story. But yeah, like seriously, it's it's it's tough. It's tough. And I think that talking to someone, hearing their voice, hearing emotion, hearing sincerity in someone's voice is huge. So you can text with someone all you want, but you're not gonna know what they really want from you, who they really are, until you actually take this little bit of windows that you might have of time. And you see all those memes all the time. Like if you're dating a single mom and she's telling you she can see you from 657 to 717, you better take that window because that's all she got. Like, boy, I'm telling you right now, I got one o'clock, one to two. That's my lunch hour. You wanna come meet? That's what we can do. If not, my daughter's home from school. I gotta get her to sports, I gotta do this, I gotta do that. And then all the things just start piling up until the weekend that you might have. But then you also want to have a social life. You also want to hang out with your friends. You also want to see your friends, you also want to see other family members. So you have to time it a certain way. And you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket either. Like it's just something that I haven't, I always did and I'm learning not to do. Because if they're not gonna do it, I'm not gonna do it until something's completely exclusive.

Phone Calls, Red Flags, And Time Windows

SPEAKER_03 29:28

Yeah. I I you dropped some. I know that was a lot. No, well, you know, here's the thing, and I I say this most of us know this, and yet we keep fucking up. So, you know, most of us know that, you know, we have we're single moms. We we don't have a lot of time. And that's why I always say when I would, and I said this, I don't know where I said this, I may have said this on another episode, but when I would say to somebody, oh, after texting a day or two, I said, okay, when can we have a conversation on the phone? And they were and you know, now nowadays nobody wants to talk on the fucking phone. Nobody, nobody wants to talk to me. Sorry.

SPEAKER_00 30:11

That's why I'm not talking to a 25-year-old. Like, no, nobody wants to talk on the phone. Everybody wants to talk about it.

SPEAKER_03 30:17

Right. So it's important that you talk because you don't want to waste your time. That's the thing. You don't have, and it's not that you're you are taking your time to get to know somebody, okay? But you don't want to put all your eggs in one basket with some dude that ends up being a douchebag. So you kind of want to feel them out and see how it is. And talking to someone is one of the ways that, you know, that's that stage two. Yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 30:45

Like you can have someone say, Good morning, baby. You know what I mean? And that's just the text. Those are words on a screen. I don't know how you're saying it. You could be saying it to five other girls for all I know right now. You know, just like that's it. Just keep pasting it on to all the girls that you're talking to. But I will say one thing about the apps. There are some apps that have like voice, and I love voice memos for that reason. Because I do, and I do do that. Um, I believe Hinge is one of them that has it. And I do do a lot of voice memos. And I tell people when I'm talking to them, I tell guys and I say, hey, just so you know, this is how you say my name. Just wanted to hear, you know, um, you to hear my voice. I'm a real person. I'm not, you know, a bot or whatever. Um, I would love to hear your voice, just give me a hello or something, you know, and just kind of bring it back because I want to hear the person's voice too. Sometimes that can help me connect with someone, just hearing someone's voice, and I'll be like, ooh, that's sexy. That I like that voice. You know what I mean? Or they sound kind of weird already. Okay. Like, you know, you kind of already feel that because all you got is pictures and again, words on a screen for like a profile. And then you just don't know if you're really gonna click with that person. So talking on the phone is huge. And I think that's our generation too. That's huge is talking on the phone.

SPEAKER_03 32:04

I agree. And I know I said this in a previous episode where I say, you know, you don't want to like see the photo, and they're like this guy who's, you know, all muscles and whatever, and then you talk to him on the phone and he's like, hi, you know, you want I heard that episode you did, yes. Or the other one with the fish picture. Here's the fish. So guys, you guys, you gotta have a conversation, right? Um, the other thing is the red flag, you holy crap. If you can't have your kids, like that's in my mind, that was always the mental check. I would say, would I, number one, would I have him meet her? And I'm like, nope. Yeah, but you know what?

SPEAKER_00 32:46

I'm gonna have a little fun with him. Yes. And I think that's what it is too. If you're not gonna have something exclusive or you just want to have dinners or you just want to like hang out with someone fun, then sure. If it's not something that's gonna be serious, but if it's someone that's gonna be serious, like that's what I'm looking for now, I've had my fun, I've done my stuff. I'm being very intentional in dating right now. And I think that I want to put it out there that when that's what you're looking for, then you need to tell yourself, as soon as you get to know this person and start having those feelings, do I want to introduce them to my children, my child, whatever it is? You know what I mean? Would I introduce them to my parent, my sister, like stuff like that. Like if you don't even want to introduce them to your friends, that's a red flag.

When Kids Meet Your Partner

SPEAKER_03 33:32

So I will say this, you know, my daughter has met the boyfriends if I was in a long-term relationship. Uh first of all, she's a teenager now. But back in the day, um, you know, I remember saying to the therapist, like, okay, I'm in this relationship with this guy. I really like him and I think he'd be great, you know, as uh a male figure in my daughter's life and all that. Not that she needs a father, but um so she I said to her, when do I do it? She goes, You do it when you want to. Because there's shitloads of articles out there talking about when to do it. Do it six months. But then if you wait too long, like let's say you say, Oh, I'm gonna wait till a year. You wait a year, and guess what? Your daughter or son doesn't like your significant other, and now you're fucked, okay? Because you're in love with this guy, and your kid's like, hail to the NO. What are you gonna do? Right? It puts it in a really puts you in a pickle. So, and then you don't want to do it too soon because you know, next day you're not with them anymore. But I will say the one that um my daughter had a um, and he and by the way, him and I are still good friends, believe it or not. That's nice. That's nice. Um, he he when we broke up, my daughter cried, and that broke my heart. Absolutely. It broke my heart. Um, but she was able to see, you know, her mother having a relationship with a man that that they loved each other. And I needed her to see that because she was very young when we had uh got a divorce. She was only three years old, so she never really saw that with her dad and and myself. So to see that with you know with some man that she really respected. And we went to see him because he lives near uh one of my family members, and he met up with us, you know. He met my daughter again. They they they talked like nothing. I mean, my daughter's a teenager, she remembers him, and he's still someone that I I still care about, but we're not together. But yeah, when do you do it? It's it's really up to you. So yeah, let's go to uh the finding, I mean, because we could talk about being uh dating while being a single mom. Let's see, two, three, four, five hours.

SPEAKER_00 35:56

Let's get back to that one. I can do another episode if you'd like it. I got some stories too. So absolutely. But I totally understand. Um, but really quick, just to piggyback off of what you just said, I have listened to podcasts, I have read books, I have seen all of the videos and memes and reels and TikToks and all the things. And again, I think that the best thing is when you feel it's right for you in your heart that someone should meet your daughter or your son or your child or children, that's when you should do it. Because it shouldn't be someone else, because everybody's situation is also different. Absolutely. And how you feel about someone and how feelings do start getting, you know, sometimes someone can fall in love with someone in six months. Sometimes it takes a year. Like it just depends. And it depends on you and your situations.

SPEAKER_03 36:44

So let's talk about the financial angst, carrying all financial responsibility alone. And again, like just to talk a little bit about this, everybody is different. I mean, you got the single mom who really is on her own, maybe not have a the best job, maybe working three, four, five, six, seven, eight jobs, you know, because that's that's the reality, right? And then you got the single moms who work in corporate America, who have has the money and is able to, you know, finance things that she doesn't need another man to come in or partner to come in to assist her. So we are all in different levels here, okay? So let's talk about not having, we're not rich, right? We're not, I'm not, I'm not the VP of my company, nor am I a surgeon or a lawyer. Um, so I ain't making that kind of money. Um, so the caring of financial responsibility alone. Tell us a little bit about what your thoughts on that.

Money Math And Financial Strain

SPEAKER_00 37:56

Um I think the number one thing is like the mental math that you have to make, that you have to have, and that you have to like have that calculator in your head all the time. Um, because it is only you and you don't have someone that you could say, hey, can you let me borrow a hundred bucks? Because I kind of messed up on this bill. Um, or can you pay this bill this month and I can pay the next bill next month? I um moved out of the apartment that I had and moved into a different city, which is much more expensive. The apartment is a two-bedroom instead of one bedroom because I was only having a one bedroom and my daughter had her toddler bed and I had my regular bed. Um, so when I moved, it got a little it got really difficult. And thank goodness I had like a little pillow. Can I I always have some type of savings or something that my mother taught me to do since I was a teenager. Um, still have the same savings account, by the way. Um, and it's okay, but that's not what you want to touch because that's for if my car breaks down, or that's for some type of emergency, or that's something that like if I don't know, you you have to like take a trip for an emergency, because God forbid something happens. Whatever that it could happen. But I think the mental math that you have to do, like, okay, this, this, this, and then you get the food, and this kid wants to eat me out of house and home because she wants every snack in the world every five minutes. Um, plus there's the utility bills, plus there's your car, plus there's your cell phone because nobody has a regular phone anymore. So, like, there's all these different things that you're paying. And then if something extra comes around, like, shoot, I need new brakes, I need new tires. Um, this credit card just came up and I forgot to pay it last month, and now that late fee's there, plus this other fee, and I don't want to mess up my credit because I'm trying to work on my credit as much as I can. So, like, there's all these little things, and especially because my credit was so messed up for a little while because of being married, kind of, you know, trying to get that stuff together, trying to fix it on my own and having to move. I switched jobs in between. So that was a big one. Um, I was at a job for a very long time, and unfortunately, it was very difficult to leave. Um, don't get me wrong, like it still kills me and hurts me that I had to leave where I was because I was there for a very long time. Um, but I had to do what I had to do for my child, and I had to try to have a better life, and I I'm in a way better place now than I was before. I'm not rich, but I can say I'm at least a little more comfortable, that I'm not freaking out and going into the savings every month to have to pay my rent or having to get some gas or putting something on the credit card. Um, holidays are difficult, but I do what I can. You know, little things like that. I think that the best thing is is to try to always have that little bit of pillow if you can. I know people that can't even do that. Um, you know, they they can't save anything. So guess what? They say, well, not like a$5 coffee is really gonna do a difference. So I'm just gonna have my$5 coffee. Let me see if I can find some change in the in the couch. I've been very lucky that I sometimes put cash away. I used to be a waitress and I was always putting cash away. So um I would put cash away and I would put like tips away and stuff like that. And all of a sudden, like two years later, my friends get so mad at me when this happens. Um, two years later, I find that money and I'm like, this is going in the bank, and then this can go to this bill that I forgot about the other day. Or because I'm broke now, thank goodness, God provided. So that helps. But again, that mental math that you have to have all the time, every week, if you're living paycheck to paycheck, which I am, the rent is gonna be taken out this day, the insurance is gonna be taken out this day. Like all of that stuff has to be in your head on your calendar. And if not, you're the only one that suffers because you're the one who's gonna have those issues with those bills if they come back, or with not having the money later on. It's just it's tough because you want to stay stable and you want to be a safe space and you want to be able to say, like, we are safe, we are okay, we have food, we have a roof over our head, we have clothes on our back. Thank you, Lord.

SPEAKER_03 42:42

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's it's not it's not easy. It's it's definitely hard. I always say, hey, I'll take the guy that works at McDonald's.

SPEAKER_00 42:51

I mean, that's something that's that's extra. That's a little extra, okay? My friend was flirting someone at Dunkin' Donuts the other day. I was like, get his number. He can bring you coffee, like, come on.

SPEAKER_03 43:05

Exactly. That extra is just everything. You know, getting that little extra. People don't get that. And if if something goes down and you uh have to put your money on something like a car breaking down, whatever, you are behind. And then you gotta catch up. And it's like people, hello, you don't understand.

SPEAKER_00 43:25

All that responsibility is on you. And I know that there are, you know, people out there that there is just a one, you know, there's two people, but it's just a one income and stuff like that. And I understand that as well. As well as, you know, child support can come in. Sometimes it's late, sometimes it's on time, whatever. But then you're waiting for that. You don't want to have to wait for that. You want to be able to figure things out on your own. But unfortunately, sometimes that's all you can do is wait for that extra from either child support or wait for that next paycheck. Or again, like you said, like, hey, you want to date someone or dungeon. Donuts or McDonald's, like you want to bring me a coffee or a quarter pounder? Like, I'll take it.

Medals We Deserve, Serious And Silly

SPEAKER_03 44:05

Yeah. Yeah. No. And I also wanted to bring up the fact that uh, you know, it's great that there are women who are single moms who are getting child support. And then there are ones that do not get child support for whatever reason, right? And even if it's because it's 50-50, you both have stable jobs, it's still freaking hard. Even it is still hard. I still don't think, you know, I think that I recently went into Chat GPT and said, look, this is my budget. And ChatGPT, but ChatGPT said, girl, uh, you're literally like, you need another fucking job. Like you, if something happens, you're screwed. So like on paper, I might look great and all, but in reality, I am literally doing a dance on a tightrope. All right, so let's talk about things single moms should get medals for. Okay, so I wanna one of the examples I gave, and I gotta say this, okay. I just I just got to say this, is putting fucking furniture together. Like I love you, IKEA, because you're cheap, but why, why, why are your pieces of wood not created equally? And then I gotta find some freaking uh, you know, tool to hammer it out. Like at one point I said, forget about the screws. I'm just I'm putting a nail and a hammer to it, and it's it's gonna be okay, honey. Honey, it's gonna be okay. It ain't gonna come apart. I'm just gonna put the nail in it. Okay. Get the wood glue if you need to. Exactly. Assembling furniture. I mean, if that is one gripe I have is assembling furniture alone. You don't have that person to say, hey, can you just hold okay, hold this right here. No, I gotta use my leg, I gotta use the wall, I gotta use my butt, I gotta use something while I'm hammering. Um, but give us uh some of your examples of where uh things that single moms should get a medal for. Oh gosh. There's so many.

SPEAKER_00 46:18

I think just kind of like we said, carrying the physical and mental load of everything is definitely something that we should get a medal for because all of it is on us all the time. That's that's a big one. Managing the tantrums. Um, my daughter used to have lots of tantrums before. Um, it didn't matter where we were. I think also advocating for our children is huge. My daughter has an IEP in school. She has diagnosed ADHD anxiety, a little bit of sensory processing, you know, a couple of all things. Um advocating for the child. Like yes, the co-parent will go to the IEP meeting. Had one yesterday, actually, and he was there. But then when they said, Dad, do you have any questions? No, no, you can ask mom. Mom, mom knows. Why? Because mom's with her during the week. Mom does the homework. Mom makes sure that whatever permission slips, like you said earlier, are signed. Mom makes sure that whatever extracurricular things are happening. Mom takes care of that. Can we talk about spirit days? Do you need silly socks, a crazy hat, crazy hair day, uh, a sports shirt, um, pajamas that fit you, like something. The spirit days drive me insane. Okay. And I think that when we're trying to figure all that stuff out, when we're gonna do it, where we're gonna do it, how we're gonna do it. That's huge. Um, and again, there's no one there being like, I'm gonna grab it at Target real quick, I'll come right back. Or I'm gonna order it real quick for you and send it on Amazon or something. It's it's tough. And I think that a medal should be given to us for advocating for our children, being there for our children, physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and also just being seen.

SPEAKER_02 48:33

Being seen and also seeing others.

SPEAKER_03 48:37

Right. Yeah. Yeah. So Jaida, you were taking all the serious medals. I'm gonna be doing the funny ones. I always say if I can carry all the groceries in one trip, I I get ex I get ecstatic about that. Like I have it like everything, okay, on one hand, and then you know, my finger goes through the paper towel so I can hold it, my pinky, so then I can hold up to that. Like if I could do it all in one trip, I'm like, damn, I'm good. Like little things like that, we should get medals for. Absolutely. Um functioning on hardly any sleep and just being like, okay, um, mom, when's where's breakfast? And I can't take that damn nap and I'm about to pass out. And I'm like, okay, gotta make the pancakes. Okay, gotta do this, right? So, what is one thing you wish people understood about being a single mom?

What We Wish People Understood

SPEAKER_00 49:28

I wish people could just see us. I wish, like I said, we could be seen. I think that a lot of times people are like, oh, well, I feel like a single mom too. Oh, well, you know, what we talked about this the entire episode of, you know, having to figure out when we can have our meltdowns, having to figure out when we can step out for a couple of minutes for ourselves, having to figure out how we can actually take a shit by ourselves. Um, as you said, you know. Um, and and just know that when we say we're alone, even if we have our mini village, we don't mean that we don't have people that are helping us, that we don't have people that are friends, that we don't have a village, that we don't have any type of support system. We just mean we're alone because we're alone. There's no one to tag in. There's no one to say, tagger it. Right. Not at that moment, not at that time, not at that day. You know, I have friends that have boyfriends or husbands or whatever, and they have that first person that they're gonna call. Like if something happens great in their life, I don't have that first person that I'm gonna call if, you know, I get a promotion network or something like that. Like again, yes, I have my friends, but it's a different type of connection when you have someone there in the house that you can say and you can scream and you can, you know, be excited or be sad about something. There's no one to tag in. So see us, know that we don't have someone to tag in, know that when we say we're alone, we don't mean we're completely alone because we know that we have our village or at least that one person that is there for us. And even if they say something like, But I'm always there for you. But you also have your own life. You have your own kids, you have your own work, you have your own things. And I understand that. And you don't live with me.

SPEAKER_03 51:31

Right. Yeah, no, absolutely. Before we go, I I want to say this clearly. This this isn't about bitching and complaining. I I might it may sound that way for some people, but it it isn't. It's about being honest. It's single moms aren't asking for pity, applause, or parade. We're just asking to be seen, to be understood, to have someone acknowledge that caring this much, this often, with this little backup is a lot. Talking about it doesn't make us weak, it makes us human. And sharing these stories reminds us that we're not alone in it. So if you feel validated today, good. That was the point. We're not complaining. We are connecting. And that connection, that's where the strength comes from. So, Jaida, thank you so much for being here.

Community, Validation, And Closing

SPEAKER_00 52:20

Thank you so much, Lisa. Thank you for inviting me to the podcast. I loved this. This was so fun tonight. And, you know, I again, I'm not saying that other parents aren't having a hard time too. We're just wanting to validate what single moms go through. And also we just want to be seen and understood. But also, if you guys ever need to, you can reach out to me. And I would love to have conversations with you guys as well. So follow me on Insta, follow me on TikTok. Um, and uh I think that this really might help a lot of women feel validated. And I I appreciate feeling the validation and you giving me this validation as well and giving me this platform to be able to share.

SPEAKER_03 53:09

Oh, you're so welcome. You're definitely welcome. Thank you. Um, okay, so like I said, if this episode resonates with you, please don't forget to subscribe to our YouTube channel at Mom Is My Emergency Contact. And make sure you're subscribed to the podcast on all platforms where you listen to podcasts. Just search for Mom is My Emergency Contact Podcast. Reviews really help this show reach more women. So if you have a moment, please consider leaving a review. And if you feel like you have a story that belongs in our too crazy to be true series, so we kind of changed it because we didn't get we didn't want to get sued by the life blank uh the lifetime blank special. So we called it, we're calling it now the too crazy to be true series. We want to hear from you. Remember, this is a story that is just too crazy to be true, and you want to tell it. So we want to hear from you. So please email us at mom is my emergency contact at gmail.com, all in one word. All links mentioned in today's episode can be found in the episode notes. Thank you so much for being part of this community. Thank you so much, Jaida. Thank you, Lisa. All right, until next time. Bye. Bye.