Ep. 21 Bad Sex, Fake Orgasms & The Lies We Keep

Most of us were handed a fake script for sex: quick penetration, instant fireworks, and zero conversation. Then real life happens and suddenly people feel “broken” when their bodies don’t match the movies. We’re done with that. I sit down with Tamilynn Edwards, an American Board Certified Clinical Sexologist and Sex Coach, to get painfully honest about women’s pleasure, the female orgasm, and why clitoral stimulation is often the missing link.

Key Takeaways

• Understanding Anatomy: Female anatomy is complex, and many women do not reach orgasm through penetration alone. 
• Context Matters: Factors such as emotional connection, stress, and physical health impact sexual pleasure.
• Communication is Key: Open discussions about desires and preferences can enhance intimacy and satisfaction in relationships.
• Self-Exploration: Women should embrace self-pleasure as a way to understand their bodies better.

About Tamilynn

Tamilynn Edwards is an American Board Certified Clinical Sexologist and Sex Coach and the founder of Sensuality Coach Clinic. Her work didn’t begin in a classroom it began in conversation.

After years of witnessing women quietly struggle with body changes, shifting desire, resentment in long-term relationships, and the silent shame that often accompanies menopause, Tamilynn realized something was deeply missing in the way we talk about sexual health. Too many women were being told “it’s normal,” “it’s just stress,” or “that’s what happens with age” and then left to navigate it alone.

At one point, she saw how easy it is to lose yourself inside the roles we carry partner, mother, professional, caregiver and how hard it can be to reconnect with your sensual self once you’ve been surviving for years. That realization became a turning point. She understood that what many women label as “low libido” is often exhaustion, disconnection, hormonal change, or a loss of identity.

Today, Tamilynn helps women single, partnered, married, divorced rebuild confidence in their bodies, communicate their needs without guilt, and redefine intimacy in a way that feels aligned with who they are now, not who they were ten years ago.

Her approach blends clinical education with grounded, honest conversation. Because sexual health is not a luxury  it’s part of feeling whole. And no woman should feel broken for evolving.

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Transcript

Real Sex And Real Stats

SPEAKER_01 0:17

All right. Welcome to Mom is my emergency contact podcast, Real Conversations, No Filter. I am Lisa, your host. Okay, if you're listening to this in the car with your kids, maybe bookmark this for later. Because today we're talking about sex, real sex, not the Hollywood version, not the he did three thrusts and she saw fireworks version, because this ain't true. We're talking about the truth that nobody explained to us. For example, most women do not climax from penetration alone. So if you ever laid there thinking, is it just me? Or he made you feel like it's just you, it's not you. Today we have a clinical sexologist and sex coach joining us to talk about pleasure, ego, communication, and why men need to understand that every woman's body is different and what you see on porn doesn't work. And that different doesn't mean defective. We're also getting into something that still makes people clutch their pearls. The idea that sex isn't just something that happens with two people. Yes, we're talking about self-pleasure, masturbation. Yes, we're normalizing it. And no, you're not going to hell for it and get hairy palms because that's what my mom said. This is grown woman energy, curious and unapologetic. And if you're blushing already, good. Let's get into it. Today we're joined by Tammy Lynn Edwards, an American board certified clinical sexologist and sex coach, and the founder of Sensuality Coach Clinic. Tammy Lynn works with women navigating identity shifts, menopause, and changes in desire, helping them reconnect with their bodies, rebuild confidence, and redefine intimacy on their own terms. Her work blends clinical education with honest real-world conversation, creating space for women to stop feeling broken and start feeling whole. Welcome. I love that. Yeah, I love that.

SPEAKER_00 2:26

Are you well? Because I know I know it is a mouthful um to say, I really help people have better sex, literally. Like in short, um, you know, the big the biology and the physiology. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

It's good stuff, all good stuff. So I brought up, well, first of all, when we met, right, we were talking about this with the women that do not climax on penetration alone. And why are men still like shocked by this? Like they're still shocked. But you gave me the statistics. Can you share some of that?

SPEAKER_00 3:04

Okay.

The Clitoris Anatomy Explained

SPEAKER_00 3:05

So, first and foremost, um, I want to say this. We only know what we've been taught and what we what we have been programmed um to learn about our bodies until we experience it for ourselves. So, research has consistently shown that the majority of women do not orgasm from penetration alone. Um, and when I say the majority, there's an actual number that's associated with that. There's study that studies that suggest only about 18 to 25% of women reliably climax from penetration without additional cultural stimulation. What that means is um what happens biologically, I'm just gonna show you. I hope you don't mind. So this is my vulva. Oh, go ahead. Um, and you know, if you want to help me name her, you're more than welcome. But anyway, so this is my vulva. Um, and this is actually what the clitoris looks like. Of course, puppet size. But ultimately, what ends up happening, the clitoris, this is what we see. This is the full structure of what the clitoris is. So again, studies, research consistently shows anywhere between 18 or sorry, 8 to 10,000 nerve endings in this whole thing. I'm gonna let that sink in before I kind of jump to the rest because I feel like that is the other thing is people like, oh, but it's that tiny little nub. No, no, no. That tiny little nub literally has legs, the cura, that wrap in and around underneath of the G spot. There is eight to 10,000 nerve endings. The sole purpose for this beautiful, beautiful structure in all of our bodies is for pleasure. So let that sink in when you kind of look at those numbers, right? So penetration alone does not always stimulate directly, right? Arousal is contextual and it is varied. I mean, if you think about um maybe even the last time that you masturbated or the last time you touched yourself, depending on the time of day, depending on your exercise routine, depending on your food, depending on your stress levels, your cortisol levels, all of those things, it shifted how that happened for you. Um, and women's bodies are not designed for penetration only. Hello, we got one of these, right? Um women's bodies were not designed for penetration only. Pleasure, and and you have to also think of it, a pleasure is designed for a multi-point stimulation. That's what I like to tell people. It's a multi-point stimulation from the intimacy starting in your head. Then you feel it in your heart center, which then, when those two are then connected, then it naturally flows, right? Um, to the general area. And a lot of times we are taught it is we are conditioned to believe that sex is penis, vagina, that is it. But that's not the case. Um, so yeah, that that's kind of where where that comes from is again, understanding the physiology, the the biology. And this is, and I'm gonna throw this one in here just as a caveat, um, because when I learned this, I was like, okay, I need a mirror, I need to see for myself, I need to understand what they actually mean when they're talking about this. So if you kind of think about it, um, the clitoris is here, okay. And when we look at that 18 to 25 percent, um, and that's worldwide, okay? So the clitoral hood. There's some women whose clitoral hood is way up here. Some it folds over. There's some clitorises that are a little bit larger, there's some clitorises that are a little smaller, then you have the, of course, the full vulva, then you have everything in between. So ultimately, what's going to end up happening is if the clitoris is closer to the vaginal opening, it could be a lot easier for a woman to be able to climax during penetration. Because think about it, the whole purpose of the clitoris is pleasure. But if nothing is touching it, and this is just penetration, there's no stimulation. Whereas for those women, and if it's you, do not comment down below, do not say anything because the rest of us are jealous. Um, you know what I mean? If the clitoris is and the vaginal opening are so close together, whenever there's a penis or a toy that's actually touching it, you're getting that stimulation. Hence the reason why it's so much easier for them to be able to have an orgasm.

SPEAKER_01 7:52

Yeah. Most men are thinking, I was just focusing on the whole.

SPEAKER_00 7:55

Yes, yes. I mean, and granted, um, it's only the first one to three inches of the vaginal opening that have any nerve endings. Well, think about it. Well, I mean, just you know, in a in a larger contextual space, if you truly think about the vaginal canal itself, right? Um I'll put it into babies go through that tunnel. So if you are somebody who's had multiple children, that means if there was it, if it was nerve-rich, you when do you think that you would ever have those feelings back if if you had a baby, say every 18 months until your body could no longer have you know what I mean? So it literally is the first one to three inches, okay? Then you've got G spot, hence the reason why the clitoris is designed the way it's designed, because if you think about it, I'm gonna pull it up just a little bit. So again, here's what we see, right? Then these legs here wrap in and around on the inside on the roof, right? Then right below that is where the G-spot is.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Okay, so it does exist.

SPEAKER_00 9:07

Girl, yes, I can listen, if you need, uh girl, okay, if you want some tips and tricks on how to find it, I got you. Because I I I had so many people, I remember um back in the day when I was doing toy parties, kind of learning all the things. I was, and somebody had asked me, and I was like, wait, I didn't realize that not everybody didn't experience, and again, I was a lot younger, right? I didn't I didn't realize that not everybody had experienced did not experience it. But I also then realized how many people, specifically people with vulvas, have been shamed away from exploring their bodies, which is the reason why they wouldn't know if it actually exists or not, right? Um, because even when we were talking the other day, the structure of the clitoris was only put in medical dictionaries and journals in the early 2000s. So but that's also because you're a forward-thinking person. But for the larger scale people, people are like, wait, but that's a part of the medical. Yeah, but you know what I mean? Um, so that's where that's where that education piece comes in. That's where encouraging people to explore and get curious. I want to know when the doctors, you know, if you're going in for a doctor's appointment, I want to know what they're talking about. I want to know what they're looking at. Don't come at come at me and tell me, well, I noticed this nodule. I know, okay, well, where? And they're they're using these terminologies that I have no idea what you're talking about. What? No, no, no, not me. No, I need to I need to know all the things. I want to know all the nitty-gritties of all the things.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

Everyone, all the

How Porn Warps Expectations

SPEAKER_01 10:55

men are like blown. I gotta say, we're really good um actors. So that's all I gotta say about that.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

Um, something that literally just popped into my into my mind when you actually said that. Here's the fun fact about that. So, especially for men um and for women, we only know what we've been shown, right? Um, and you have the media, you have porn. Now, mind you, there is ethical porn. Most people have no idea that that's even a thing. But most porn, and for men specifically, that is where they learn, right? Um, and that's where that performative piece of of sex comes from. Um, I just had a conversation with somebody the other day who basically said, um, I didn't realize that I've been faking it all these years until I, until I actually really enjoyed being with my partner. And I was like, okay, so what was different from then till now? She's that the person that I was with now encouraged me to explore my body, right? We as a population, the female population, we look for validation and permission and permission. Because nobody wants to be the bad girl, nobody wants to be the freak. Nobody wants to be, you know what I mean? Um, because these are all messages that we have been taught, that we have been programmed to believe over generations, times, whether it is cultural conditioning, whether it's religious um conditioning, all of those things make or break exactly who we are.

SPEAKER_01 12:39

Right, right. Let's um before you get into that, because we're gonna talk more about that a little bit later, but let's again talk about the climax because again, I mean, I shared, I shared this with you. Like, I'll be honest with you, I did not know about it until I watched Oprah in my 30s, and I was like, oh, right normal. Um and and when she said this the staggering statistic, and it was like everyone was like, and everyone in the audience was like, like when she when they had they brought in somebody that said that that was the stats, right? What why do you think even okay, so now I'm in my 50s. Why do you think that statist that statistic is still surprising to so many people? Like, why? Okay, why do you think?

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Here's what I think, and here's what I know. Okay. Okay. So what I know to be true is most, and I'll just say North Americans, we are taught abstinence only. We are taught um sex is for procreation, regardless of what religion, what background, this is what we are taught. It's not until we become um young teens and early adults that we explore, we learn these things, but those cultural messages are still in the back of our minds. Eventually, over time, we grow, we learn, we explore. And when there's something wrong, we believe we are broken, is then when we start questioning what we thought we knew or what we have been told. Or as women, when we notice that something doesn't feel right, that is when it's kind of like, whoa, wait a minute. I, and then we start having conversations. And and again, I'm a little older than Facebook, you know, like all those things, right? So back in my day, it was we had girls that we chit-chatted with. We, you know, had the yellow pages, we didn't have Chat GPT and Google and all of these different things to be able to add. We had an encyclopedia, like you know what I mean? Like that's what we had, right? And and maybe you can go to the library and actually get a medical journal or dictionary to ask some questions to, or you went to the library and you asked them, hey, can you help me find a book? Whereas now people can drop their signs and their symptoms into a Google app and it will pop up with thousands and thousands of different ideas and and and we go down a rabbit hole. Truth be told, the lack of information and the miseducation is truly what I believe the main reason that we are in the situation that we are in, especially when you look at perimenopause and menopausal women with the shift in our body and noticing because something that I know to be true. We notice when things are off, even in our 20s and our 30s, but we ignore it because we have so many other things that we need to do. And it's not until we hit our 40s when we feel like I can't anymore, I don't give a fuck anymore, I'm not okay with this anymore, that we finally throw our hands up and look for solutions. Because we have mom hat, Uber hat, counselor hat, therapist hat. We have all these hats for all of the people, because this is also cultural messaging that it is unhealthy and it is unfair that you take time for you. That's what, and that is what I truly and honestly believe. Yet understanding that when I have an orgasm, I don't want to put my hands around your neck and choke you. Let's be real. When I have an orgasm, the oxytocin and everything, and all the wonderful hormones that are naturally building up in my body are allowing me to naturally relax my stress hormones. I can think clearly. So I'm not spewing off and just going off, not be not for no reason, for valid reasons.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

Yeah, absolutely. Um, so you said a couple more things that I wanted to touch upon. So, like even the like at the beginning when I was talking about the thrusting, I mean, when we watched movies, we're like, damn, I wish it was that easy. So, or even with the porn, and you know, they have created and or shaped these unrealistic expectations. Like, I'm sure my daughter's watching these movies and she's thinking, oh, it's that easy. And I'm just like, girl. Um, and then with men watching porn and still thinking, men 2026, still thinking that that is how you turn a woman on by what you watch on porn. Um, and what what normal sex looks like. You know, how do we navigate through that as women? Like we got women we're dating, right? And now you got women dating, and you're still dealing with these men who think

Midlife Dating And Clear Boundaries

SPEAKER_01 18:00

that, you know, I always love it when I hear the men, oh, I got this trick I got for you. It works on everyone, it works on every woman. I was like, okay, let's see if that works. Because I my body's just like every woman. So how do we navigate through that in for some of us who are in the dating world and they're thinking they're still thinking the poor.

SPEAKER_00 18:26

So that is a loaded question because it is it could be only and here's the reason why. Only because it is one of my favorite, because I just call people out. I don't care if you grown man, young man, you you know what I mean? Because here's the reality. If you want to get to know me, okay, I am going to explain to you. I'm going to have these conversations with you. Um, if I like you enough, I'm gonna explain some things about my body to you. Because here's the thing having grown folk conversation is extremely different than you telling me what is going to happen based on your experience with another woman. Plain and simple. Um, and I personally, like I do, um, I can't believe I'm doing this, but I actually do TikTok specifically on midlife dating because the stuff makes me laugh. Like it totally made it does, it makes me laugh. Um, only because I feel like both camps are in very interesting territory, right? This generation of perimenopausal menopausal women are Gen Xers. So we are loud and we are proud and we are not putting up with no stuff. Whereas the generation that came before me were a little bit subdued in not naming the things that make them uncomfortable, not being front and center and asking for what they want. So I always say, again, midlife dating, be up front. Here's what I'm looking for. And if you cannot, and it's not necessarily just in terms of, let's have a great day. Bro, I can cook at home. I'm happy at home. Like, I but what does intimacy mean for you? So when I go on at a date, like I'm not even can you sometimes I wish that I was a fly on the wall for the person that I'm having a conversation with, because man, sometimes I just say like, yeah, I just I just say all the things and I I just want to know. I'm like, okay, so um how many nerve endings and and I'll go there. But for women, a woman who is dating in midlife, understanding what it is that you need, understanding what it is that you want, and asking for that, being extremely unfront, because you also we also have to kind of look at if you are looking at the desire and arousal, right? When we hit um perimenopausal menopausal stage, generally women, because we are more on the responsive versus spontaneous, men are generally spontaneous, women are responsive. So for us, that responsive meaning, I need you to brush my hair, kiss my neck, talk to me. And that's where that mind, that brain, heart connection comes, and then everything else flows. Whereas men are more spontaneous, they look at you in that gorgeous dress and they're ready and hot and ready to go. But I like to tell people that it kind of reminds me that men are like microwave ovens and women are like crock pots. It takes 18 minutes, 18 minutes for a woman to warm up so that she can begin to tent. So for her vagina, um, the labia, everything to naturally. Flow and want to receive. It is how our bodies are designed and created for a reason. But having that conversation in a way that's grounded and aligned with what it is that you're looking for up front. You could tell me all you want to tell me about another woman, but let me tell you, I hit 51 and it takes me a lot longer to get there than it did when I was in my 20s. In my 20s, I was thinking about, ooh, so I got another two hours before I got to get up, I got to do this, I got to do this, I got to do this, I got to do this. Oh, a quickie is great for right now. But now that I'm a little bit older, I know my body, I know my system, I understand that the intimacy level of sitting with you on the couch and just holding your hand allows me that safety and security to want the desire to move and understanding my clitoris actually needs 18 minutes, bro. Like, give up the goods. We're not, you know what I mean? Like, we're not rubbing it like a DJ booth and hoping for the best. Like, that's not how this works.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

Um Man, are you paying attention? Because this is real, okay? Because this shit is still happening. I mean, I hear a lot of the women say this, and it's still a thing that is happening.

SPEAKER_00 23:18

Yes, like I I do. I love talking to guys sometimes because I'm like, okay, listen, I want you to try that. Just try what I'm telling you to try, please. She will thank you. She might even cook you a steak twice in one day.

SPEAKER_01 23:31

Yeah, for sure. Yeah, seriously. So when we think about the dating, like, how do we have that conversation with men without busting their egos? Okay. God damn it.

SPEAKER_00 23:45

So here's so here's the thing. Um there's multiple different ways. So, first and foremost, I always suggest asking that person how they like to communicate. Because here's the thing is if I am somebody who is very straight to the point, sometimes that can be abrasive to somebody who is not that way. So I always start with, I need to be up front with you to let you know that I do not do small talk. It is a pointless waste of my time, energy, and effort. So if you're okay with me just letting you know exactly where I am, what I need, what I want, and I'm gonna give you some space to think about that, and then we can come back and revisit it. Again, instead of worrying a hundred times over, what is what's gonna happen, what's gonna happen, what's gonna happen, your nervous system is doing all of this because you're worried about what the other person is thinking and feeling. Because ultimately, it's that you're looking for reassurance. And until you give yourself that reassurance and just being authentic to who you are, asking for permission, can I have a vulnerable conversation with you? And the person might be like me, like, well, I don't feel like it's vulnerable, but here's the thing it's vulnerable to me. So can I, Lisa, have a conversation with you about something that has always made me feel a little bit uncomfortable, but I feel a connection with you. Would you be willing to just listen and let me know your thoughts and your feelings afterwards? I'm not expecting an immediate response, right? Because there's some people who need to hear it, allow it to process before they answer. And us as women, because we are like, okay, what's next? What's next? What's next? I say something to you, I expect something to come back. And then we get extremely upset when the person doesn't automatically respond. Well, give them a minute to she won the food, and then they gotta swallow it before they know if it was good or not. Like, you know what I mean? So I think that's the other thing is knowing where your boundaries are and your comfort levels are, and asking the question. Just ask. Like, what's the worst possible thing that could happen? They say no. Next.

SPEAKER_01 26:27

Yeah. So I was gonna say that because I always find that a red flag if you're vulnerable and you're like, yeah, let's have this conversation. Oh my god, no.

SPEAKER_00 26:36

No, no, no. That's a red flag, right? Oh my god, no. No, because if you think about it, it's their body's reaction. Right? That that's not necessarily a red flag because think about it. Um, I don't know, I don't know about you, but I have kids. My son has ADHD. And I've learned, especially now that he's 31. Some of the things that I did when he was younger, I definitely know why they didn't work now. Because I said it and I'm asked, I'm looking for the response, right? I said, it's time to do your it's time to do your homework. I also need to make sure that you take a shower. Don't forget to brush your teeth, and then make sure that you let me know that you did your homework. That was a lot, that was an information overload of information. Okay. And then when I didn't receive the response back, okay, mom, I did it, blah, blah, blah. Then I automatically go on the, well, how come you didn't do it? He was still processing the first two things that I said. And and and that's where I bring that into dating, um, is a lot of times we look for, because now everybody's calling certain things a red flag. I don't. What a red flag for me is if you choose to not respond at all, here's the and this is where the difference comes in. I asked you, Lisa, I have something that's it's a little vulnerable for me. It might not be for you, um, that I wanna that I want to talk to you about. Um, are you comfortable with that? If the person still's kind of like looking at me and still not saying anything, that's not necessarily a red flag. It's a processing tie. We I feel like we dismiss things so quickly because of our own shit.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

I agree, I agree. But Tamilyn, if someone's like, yeah, yeah, I'm not doing all that, you know, uh, that's too much.

SPEAKER_00 28:36

That's a that for me, that's a cancel, clear, delete. Bye. Yo, what's up? And I don't have a and I don't listen, I don't have a problem with it. Listen, hey.

SPEAKER_01 28:48

Yeah. But I get, you know, I get what you say, and I love that you said that because I think you're right. We just we women are like, okay, done, I'm done, you know? And then or or not when we should be done. But you're right, it's a lot for these people to process because you're telling them that they're like, shit, you mean that she, you know, they gotta think about what you're just said to them and sit with it. I love that you said that. Um, and yes, it's not necessarily a red flag, but I think that at some point when they're just like, you know, I'm just not gonna, no, I'm still gonna try to choke you. Like, dude, no, then this is a good thing.

SPEAKER_00 29:26

Well, here's here's the other thing is something that I do with a lot of people is this in my own practice, I ask people for um their sexual, sexual health, their sex history. So their history. And I no, I do not ask how many partners you've had. No, I, you know what I mean? That that's a that's no, that and I don't do that in dating. But here's where I think a lot of times these conversations become extremely uncomfortable. I was raised in a Roman Catholic household with a Baptist dad. We never had those conversations. I was a prim and proper girl. I never wore pants until I was 12 because girls didn't wear pants. You know what I mean? Like, again, so you have to also really, and I'm talking from a female perspective, also now look at some of the men that we are dating. They are coming from a complete, remember, if they're in that age demographic, they are also coming from the same misinformation, not educated realm. So that is where when I say, and I'm not saying go like hog wild to everybody and their grandmother, but what I am saying is we need to take a step back, pause, and give people who deserve it the opportunity to go on this journey with you. Because, because again, I've met people who have been absolutely incredible. But again, I'm at a completely different level now. Okay, yo, like you're taking way too long to catch up to me. Like, hey, but if you want to come for the ride, let's go. If you don't, that's fine. But can we at least have the conversation? And if you're not comfortable in that conversation, that's some work that you need to do for you. And that also means that I'm not the person for you because I am at that place where curiosity and exploration is where I want to be. But if you don't have the conversation, you find yourself in people in these in and out relationships where they're doing this constantly. The whole purpose of being in a relationship is to grow. It's not just love. Right. It's I push you, you push me. We learn and we grow and we mature into the people that we were designed and created to be. But how can you do that if you're with somebody who's either yes, yes, honey, yes, yes, honey, or no, right? Like they're there that natural ebb and flow of balance. And that's where I, like I said, I really encourage people to ask the questions early. I do. On my first date with somebody, I'm all in. I'm asking all the things because guess what? I got way too much stuff on my plate that I am absolutely excited about in my life that I want to be able to share with somebody, but I'm also not willing to spend three months, six months trying to figure out if you're okay with, you know, smack me on the butt. What? Come on, let's go. Like, yeah, I'm I'm there, but I'm, you know what I mean? Like, let's have those conversations early on. It also, I believe it also strengthens as a woman, strengthens our resolve. Because now I'm asking for what I want, which is not what we have ever been taught or told. Because remember, if you ask for what you want, if we go back to the old terminology, then that means, oh, you're too forward, you're too this. How about I am who I am? You can take the labels and put them somewhere else, right? Right. We are the authors and finishers of our own, of our own lives. It's us, it's me. I am in control of me. And I think I said this to you before, and I say this to people all the time: the longest relationship you will ever have across your lifespan is the one with yourself. So have it and have fun in the process. Like, like, hey, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:34

Speaking

Self Pleasure Without Shame

SPEAKER_01 33:35

of which, let's talk about ourselves. So, this self-pleasure and that sense of empowerment that many of us were not, if you're a Gen X or weren't taught about, hey, this is how, you know, you're this is empowering that you are exploring your body and giving yourself some pleasure. Um, where, like I said, the hairy palms and I think blindness or all of those things, right? So why, you know, when we think about the it being taboo, because I still feel like some women are still feeling like, oh, I don't do that, or some women have never done that. Can you talk to the women who are still like, oh, I don't do that? That that that's a man's responsibility, or that's with a man. Like, can you just talk to that women, woman who's saying those things or is kind of feeling ashamed to even touch themselves? I mean, there's women who haven't.

SPEAKER_00 34:32

That one is always a really interesting one for me, specifically because it's my body. How can you expect someone else to know how to please you if you don't know how to please you? That's the first thing, right? Um, and I'll do I'll give you a quick story before I even talk like any further. What I know to be true is this is I did an event years ago, and there was a woman who I was talking about. Um, I had like clitoral toys, I had vaginal toys, and I also had like lubrications and um arousal gels and creams. And she had said that she had never had an orgasm the whole time she was married. As I described what an orgasm was, I described the different types of orgasms and kind of went through this whole thing. And um before the end of the night, she pulled me to the side and she said, I want to be able to have one, but I don't know what to do. So we had a conversation, and I do a mirror exercise with everyone. Um, like I will send you a document, um, have you do a mirror exercise so that you can see the structure of your body, that you can see all of those things, but you also have to think about it like this. She also came from a culture um in the Catholic Church where sex was for procreation only. So when they were done having sex, done having children, there was no need for pleasure other than for his. And there's a lot of cultures that are like that, right? Without truly understanding the overall mental health benefits of having, and not necessarily orgasm for the end result, but the journey, right? Um, the fact that there are multiple different hormones and chemicals that are naturally released in your brain that allow you to connect with your partner, oxytocin, that allow you to be present, that allow you to have the vigor of getting up every single morning and doing it all over again, even when you don't want to. Um the chemicals that are released in your body that allow your skin to look soft and supple. The fact that when you have an orgasm or you are able to release the tension, you decrease, you decrease your chances of urinary tract infections, bladder infections, yeast infections. You the overall health benefits of masturbation itself outweigh what somebody told me back in fifth grade. The fact that, again, I'm like, I always I'm always a fan of let's do some product testing, let's try some things and see if it works, right? Um, so again, so I always I always suggest to people, um, so you want to actually try it. Um the release of tension in your body after having an orgasm, especially masturbation, mutual masturbation, um gets rid of headaches. Here's one of the things that I always found one of the most interesting things ever, and I will say this, and then I probably will think about it again later because it always boggles my mind. So people that are clinically depressed, okay, for multiple multitude of different reasons. The chemicals that are released in your body when you have an orgasm are happy hormones, they make you feel happy. Yet the medication, just the medication decreases your desire for intimacy. Please make it make sense, right? Um, and back in the 40s and the 50s, and if you it like if any any of your listeners want to actually go watch it, now mind you, it is a dramatization dramatization um of what happened, I believe it was in the 40s and the 50s. Um but there is a movie that looks at how doctors in the 40s and the 50s, it was called hysteria, women were diagnosed with hysteria. A husband could divorce his wife to remarry if she was diagnosed with hysteria. What was hysteria and how were doctors helping to relieve this tension? They were giving women orgasms. Wow. So, yes. Um, and I mean, ultimately, even though vibrators and all these things were designed and created years, eons ago, but um, there were a set of doctors that actually found um that finding the G spot, manual stimulation, relieved the tension and allowed those women to go home and care for six, seven, eight, nine, ten children and cook and clean and do all the things, all the responsibilities. So you can't tell me that if that was happening in the 40s and the 50s, that we're in 2000, we can't do that. I mean, I mean, now now we have, you know what I mean, now we have devices. Now we have people like me who could, I could teach you, I could train you, I could talk to you. But realistically, yes. I mean, and think about it, and then that's where the introduction into the Sears catalogs of manual, manual, they were considered household devices back then.

SPEAKER_01 41:04

I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_00 41:05

They were vibrators. Yeah, they they were vibrators and they were health. They and then again, medical devices. It wasn't until the porn industry started using sex toys in their porn that they started removing these devices from medical offices and the Sears catalog.

SPEAKER_01 41:29

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 41:30

Yes. Which again, because again, for some women, manual manual masturbation can sometimes take too long. And you're like, my wrist is hurting, my whatever. And this is the reason why there's multiple different types of toys. Um, and again, like I said, if we go back to those statistics where women need clitoral stimulation. Without the clitoral stimulation, vaginal is just, hey, hi, here. Like, yeah, what's up? Like, I'm like, yeah, what's up? Okay, you know, you know what I mean? I'm like, hello. The and I feel like I literally want to tell people, I'm like, a woman's body is kind of like a buffet, a roller coaster buffet, right? Because again, um this is where there's a multitude of different factors to the enjoyment. It's not always about the destination. Sometimes you do not have to have an orgasm or I don't need to come. Um, no fluid needs to physically expel out of my body in order for me to release those chemical hormones. It is that journey too. It's taking time out to allow your body to relax. Take the tension from here, again, headaches, take the tension from here. Because now your focus is somewhere else. When that is released, naturally the headache disappears and you can sleep better.

SPEAKER_01 43:05

You know, you know, the the initial question was, you know, tell telling that woman, and I think, you know, you hit it in the nail of on all levels. Um, but you know, like you said, you how do you expect someone to know your body if you don't even know yours? Yes. Um, and the other thing is with self-pleasure, which kills me, is that men have been jerking off for how many years and nobody that's a damn eye.

SPEAKER_00 43:29

Because remember, we're property. Right? Yeah. That goes back to that misogynistic place of who we are. That goes back to that one client that I talked about. Her sole purpose was for his enjoyment. And until she became disconnected from her body, did she realize that she even deserved it? Wow. And and this is, I think, one of the other reasons. Why I do this work is so that women don't ever have to wait that long.

SPEAKER_01 44:03

Well, you're doing the job with teaching women how to do this. We may not need men. Did I just say that out loud? No, I do.

SPEAKER_00 44:10

I do. He can carry my groceries. You know, when my look, when my when my wrist goes a little numb because it's taking a little long, he can't.

SPEAKER_01 44:19

He's helpful. Yes. He's helpful in other areas, but that's an area that we have some power in. Yes. And we can take care of that if need be. I love all that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, okay, so and I love the pack, the part where you said the empowerment of taking control, even with the part of telling women that, you know, they should tell a man, hey, this is what makes me feel a certain way. This is me. Um, so you the other thing that you touched

Stress Hormones And Responsive Desire

SPEAKER_01 44:50

upon a little bit during the beginning conversation was the idea of, you know, this having this stress and how much does how you feel in mentally, emotionally, how much of that impacts the orgasm, the climax, the sex? Okay.

SPEAKER_00 45:13

So this one is fun. So, because this is biological. Okay. So this factor becomes biological because you're kind of looking at the body as a whole system, which is one of the reasons why my focus, other than perimenopausal and menopausal women, is to get into physicians' offices so that the conversations that they don't want to have, I get to have with people. Okay. So here's where the biological components come in. Your brain looks at anticipation. So I'm anticipating, right? So you get the date. Oh, I'm excited. Oh, I'm so excited. So I kind of like them. Our conversations are going well. Then you have the fantasy.

SPEAKER_02 45:54

Hmm.

SPEAKER_00 45:55

It would be nice if we go here, we go here. Safety. He sounded like a safe space, like I could have some deep conversations, stress levels. I have no stress because the anticipation is high. The fantasy is there, the safety is there, right? Because if you think about it, your brain is the largest sex organ that you have, right? And that's where all of those things come from, right? So then you're kind of looking now. The next system is we're going to look at our hormones, right? So your estrogen is going to, that is your tissue health, lubrication, the thinning, the lining of your um vaginal, the vaginal lining literally thins as we age. It gets a lot thinner. That's where a lot of those other things come from. Testosterone, your desire and motivation, oxytocin, the bonding and connection. Then the last and final one, the cortisol, your stress, not just your ability to manage it, but when your stress levels are high, it suppresses arousal. Because if my stress is up here, none of the things that I just said, because my brain isn't functioning now, because that chemical is overpowering every other pleasure center in my body. Yeah. And that's the reason, that's the reason why you're probably hearing a lot about cortisol levels, cortisol levels, cortisol levels, because that's what it is. It's a stress hormone. So when people are looking at their hormones, they need to look at all of their hormones because all of those hormones are also impacted because you also have to look at an estrogen. There are multi-different facetes, facets of where estrogen is produced and stays in our total body. It's not just in um the female sexual organs. Right? Because if you think about it, right now, if I go on a date with a man who's the same age as me, he has probably more estrogen than I do. Because I'm going, because I'm going through perimenopause, right? And because and because for men, um theirs is more linear, whereas ours, we lose it as the day we be the day we're born, we lose it.

SPEAKER_01 48:32

So I want to say this. I gotta be careful how I have these questions here. Um, you know, the stress, okay, because uh here's the thing where I feel like men don't understand, and a lot of women are are probably thinking this, and the women who are going through menopause or motherhood and they're stressed the fuck out. The last thing they want to do is go on all fours and you thrust them from behind. Yes, you know, things like that. Yeah, they're stressed the fuck out. So it's very hard for men to understand that if you're that stressed, like you were just mentioning, all that stress is it's taking over. Yes, the last thing they're thinking of is the sex. So if a man's listening to this and he's like, shit, maybe that's what maybe that's what is is the issue here. How do you communicate or maybe educate men? Like, okay, what do you do in those situations? You know, what can what can I

What Men Can Do Differently

SPEAKER_01 49:35

do?

SPEAKER_00 49:36

Okay, so this is where touch and not just the smack on the ass touch. This is where um, okay, so say you live in a house with a partner, this is where he can stand behind you while you're washing the dishes and he can just brush across you. There is no expectation to those touches. So this is where I feel like uh men can do better. Stop and the anticipation is where the stress levels increase. I don't want to anticipate because again, remember, that's where we go back to spontaneous versus responsive. Men are very spontaneous. They see it, they want it, they do it. For us, it's responsive. We need the response to be built up. So this is where touch comes in. Sitting on the couch, going for a walk, touching, holding my partner's hand. Sensory play. So sensory play could be things like using something that's hot or cold, using a feather, massage, massage that leads nowhere. Hello. If you're using your medical benefits and you're going to see a massage therapist, there's the massage leads nowhere but relaxation, like, yo, bro, leave it alone. Okay. And sometimes that's what we need is to relax and let it leave it, leave it alone, right? Um, and then you want to look at that emotional intimacy comes in when I'm just close to you. Yeah. Then you have the arousal exploration. So arousal exploration, you could think of things like you're sending texts back and forth. It's the exploring what is turning you on. Because something that turned you on in your 20s is not turning you on in your 30s and is definitely not turning you on in your 40s or your 50s because life is different. Also, with life being different, my experiences are now different. Something that I totally would have done when I was 20, I would have totally went skinny dipping. Now I'm watching out because I know for a fact I got a whole lot more to lose. So you know what I you know what I mean? So that's where that's where the exploration and but having those conversations about that, right? Um, and self-pleasure. Let's try mutual masturbation. It doesn't have to be where we're not turning on the cameras, bro. Listen, we're not in our 20s. Okay, listen, I'm just throwing it out there. But that mutual masturbation, I want to see how you hold your penis, right? So that I know how to do this for you. Right. How can I truly, because I've met men who are like, I hate when she tries to give me a handy dandy. And I was like, a handy dandy. I was like, oh, that's a thing. You know what I mean? And he's like, she just does, she just holds it too tight. Well, did you tell her that? Well, I don't want to hurt her feelings. Oh my again, so this is why I say this is there are not all, but there is a large population of men who feel the same thing as we do. They just don't know how how to have the conversation because they're really afraid of hurting somebody's feelings. I feel like you are doing me a greater disservice, but by not telling me. Right. Right. And this is where that, oh, next. So if I don't tell you that Cunelingus is extremely important to me, and I don't like the way you do it. Here's why. You nibble. Please don't bite me. You're gonna go to the next woman, you're gonna do that, and she's gonna cuss you out. Like, this is how this works. Let's have those conversations, right? So that's where that self-pleasure, that mutual, mutual masturbation comes in and communicate, communicate, communicate. Even if you are communicating in a way where you're like, again, perimenopausal, menopausal. I actually don't know. That is still communicating. Right. Right. That is still communicating. I am relearning my body. What you did to me yesterday felt great. You try that shit today, like that's just not working. Like, I'm just telling you. You know what I mean? Like, I just need you to work with me on this because I'm trying to figure out my body. Things are shifting, things are moving. But this is the thing is everybody's afraid of everything. Everybody is ready to cancel everything. What happened to this is my life.

SPEAKER_01 54:32

Yeah. It's crazy, girl. It's crazy. I don't understand. Like, see, the thing that kills me is that, you know, everyone's having sex, but then nobody's talking about what they want. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 54:44

And everybody's like, well, you know, and I was watching this divorce lawyer who was talking about one of the largest, and I see the same thing, one of the lar with perimenopausal menopausal women, one of the largest reasons, other than I think, so the first one is always communication and sex, then money. Yeah. A hundred percent. Because here's because here's what happens. So in many relationships, what happens is the communication barriers have broken. Nobody wants to say the thing because either they're afraid of hurting somebody's feelings or either afraid of this or afraid of that, they're afraid of fear didn't get you down the aisle. Fear didn't get you to have children, fear didn't get you to not try for that job. Fear, you know what I mean? Like all of those things. We use that as an excuse for not taking accountability for who we are and what we want. Right. If you hurt their feelings and they love you, they will accept it. And I'm not saying they'll accept it right now, but they're gonna, they're gonna respect you more for saying the thing that you knew would probably bruise their ego. But here's the thing is I'm still on the other side of this conversation, willing to work work with you through it. Right. Yeah. Right? We don't throw our friends away as quick as we throw away our sexual partners. Hell yeah, right? That's crazy. We we we don't, whether it's male or female friends, we don't throw those away as as quick as we throw away our sexual partners. And this is where the last and final one is erotic imagination. If I hear one more person talk about sexing, y'all can listen. Allow, allow a little bit more erotic imagination. Have a little bit of fun with it. And again, putting that out there, I'm just imagining. I never said I wanted to, but I'm imagining what it would be like. Your partner on the other side be like, you know what, we can actually try that if you want. But at the end of the day, it's that exploration that allows people to grow and mature and find, and nobody says you got to go into the kink world. Nobody says that you got to go into BDSM and all the things. But if that's what you want to do, have the conversation. Right. Go to a workshop and learn about it. Maybe once you find out the you go to the workshop, you're like, no, this is so not for me. And your partner's like, thank you, because I really wasn't into it, anyways. But who says that you can't go and explore? The last and final thing with all of that is sex is connection first, stimulation second. I needed to connect with you before anything else could happen, anyway. So why not we take that to a completely different level and kind of look at some of those things at where can we anchor some of that so you can explore?

SPEAKER_01 57:48

Tamilyn, thank you so much. This was all good stuff. Welcome. Very good stuff. I love this. I always love this

Where To Find Tammy Lynn

SPEAKER_01 57:55

conversation because I know everyone's like, I'm like, it's not comfortable with wait, no, we gotta have this conversation. So Tamilin, where can we find you? I know you're on the socials, you're talking about TikTok. Where can we find you? Where can we find you? And do you have any like courses or offerings that are coming up?

SPEAKER_00 58:13

Yes. So I have um, so you can find me obviously on my website. Um, I'm in the rebranding part. So it's www.sensualitycoachclinic.com. Um, there are resources. You're gonna click on the resource page. There are um a couple ebooks that you can download. One of them is free. Um, really kind of understanding your own sensual self. Um, and then I am launching a um workshop series that will be virtual and in person um this spring, which I'm super, super excited about. Um, so when you go to my website, you can actually sign up to be on the wait list and all the info will be sent to you. Then of course, I am on TikTok. Now, mind you, it's fun. I'm learning the Tiki Talk.

SPEAKER_01 59:01

I love Tiki Talkie Lynn.

SPEAKER_00 59:02

Okay, so on TikTok and uh Instagram at Sensuality Coach Clinic. On TikTok, it's Coach Tammy Lynn.

SPEAKER_01 59:12

Okay. All right. I'll have all of that on the the all the links to get a hold of Tammy Lynn in the show notes. Um, you know, thank you again for being a part of this show. This is so informative. Um, for everyone else, make sure you're subscribed to Mom is My Emergency Contact wherever you listen to podcasts. We're on Apple, Spotify, and all major platforms. If you'd rather watch the conversation and you can see what Tammy Lynn was holding, see, hit, hint, wink, wink. Um, head over to our YouTube channel, just search Mom is My Emergency Contact and hit subscribe. A story that is too crazy to be true, and this can't be my life moment. We want it. Email us at Mom is MyEmergencyContact at gmail.com and your story might end up on the show. So if this episode made you shift in your seat a little, good. Because here's the truth women have been quiet about pleasure for way too long. You are not broken if you don't climax from penetration, you're not high maintenance because your body works differently, and you're definitely not shameful for wanting to understand what brings you pleasure, whether that's with a partner or by yourself. Sex is not a performance, it's not a scorecard, and it's definitely not a one-size-fits-all experience. Men, if you're listening, curiosity will get you a lot further than ego. Women, your body is not complicated, it's just yours. And maybe the real power move is knowing yourself well enough that no one gets to define your pleasure for you. This is Mom is my emergency contact, real conversations, no filter. Until next time, bye.