Ep. 22 | Why Do We Stay When We Know It’s Trash

Sometimes the most painful part of a relationship ending isn’t the ending. It’s the moment you realize you knew something was wrong for a long time and you kept going anyway. I’m solo today, getting brutally honest about the “illusion of not knowing,” why we ignore relationship red flags, and how we talk ourselves into staying when our gut is already screaming.

A story from an Oprah interview lights the fuse: a wife describes being shocked by her husband’s affair, and I can’t help but challenge the idea that it came out of nowhere. We unpack what it looks like when a relationship feels fine on the surface but your nervous system says otherwise. Anxiety, dread, stomach issues, brain fog, and that constant sense of being on edge can be your body keeping score, warning you that something is unsafe or untrue even if you can’t “prove” it yet.

Then we go straight into the good girl conditioning so many women carry: be nice, don’t make waves, keep the peace, be the bigger person. I talk about how that training can erase anger, mute boundaries, and even let someone off the hook for real harm. We also dig into the fear layer, especially for moms. The fear of divorce, the fear of being a single mother, the fear of starting over can turn a partnership into a transaction that costs you your health and your self-respect.

If any of this hits close to home, I want you to leave with one question: what are you going to do with what you already know? Subscribe for part two, share this with someone who needs it, and please leave a review so more people can find the show.

Key Takeaways from Personal Experience
Reflecting on my past relationships, I’ve realized that recognizing the signs of a failing relationship often requires honesty with oneself. 

• Trust Your Instincts: If something feels off, don’t dismiss it. Your intuition is a powerful tool.
• Communicate Openly: Don’t be afraid to voice your concerns. Open communication can prevent issues from escalating.
• Prioritize Your Well-Being: Your mental and emotional health should always come first. If a relationship is causing distress, it’s time to reevaluate your choices.

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Lisa

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Transcript

Why We Pretend It Is Fine

SPEAKER_00 0:17

Hey guys, welcome to Mom is my emergency contact podcast. This is Lisa. I am your host. I feel like I'm a little nasally. So today it's just gonna be me. This is a solo um conversation. I'm not interviewing anyone today. So I'm hoping you enjoy this. I'm trying to do more of these types of um segments and episodes so that you can kind of hear my opinions on things for what it's worth. Sometimes the most painful part of a relationship ending isn't the ending, it's realizing how long you knew something was wrong. Okay, so I have been talking about this topic on my socials for a couple weeks now. I saw a post from Oprah with her doing an interview on a woman who wrote a book about her failed marriage. So basically, her ex-husband was having an affair, and in her mind, she thought the marriage was perfect. She was like completely shocked, and there were some things that she did. Her behavior um in her reaction to him even leaving was very questionable. So, first of all, let's talk about the illusion of not knowing because I've been there many, many, many, many times. When I look at my relationships that I have had in the past, I'm gonna say 90% of the time, I'm almost gonna say more than 90%, but I'm feeling a little bit vulnerable when I tell you this because you're gonna look at me and be like, well, what the fuck is wrong with you? Okay, but we'll talk more about what the fuck was wrong with me and what the fuck is wrong with a lot of women who are doing this, who have this the Lulu, you know, version of their relationships. So I'm gonna say maybe 95% of the time, 95% of the time, I knew the relationship was just trash, right? So so going back to the podcast episode on Oprah, the book the woman is talking about is called Strangers, I believe. And it talks about the story of her going through this horrible situation and her thinking, what the hell? This was a perfect marriage, and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I call bullshit on this, okay? Because I think we all know. I think we know, I think we often ignore the signs, and many times I don't think this is a surprise. Deep, deep, deep down inside. Was it really a surprise? Or was it something you didn't want to confirm? And I think that for me, I can honestly say that I knew so many times, and I saw the writing on the wall, and I was just ignoring the signs because I'm just like, oh, but but uh this is going so well, but was it? It wasn't going so well. I just didn't want to rock the boat, I didn't want to make waves, I liked where it was going. It felt good to be in a relationship, it felt nice, it looked nice, so I didn't want to make anything like destroy that. Although this person was destroying my soul because I was staying. And again, again, going back to this woman talking about how she was completely like, where did this come from? I call bullshit on it. I think we all know. I think we all deep down inside see these tiny little signs and we ignore it, we push it aside because it's like saying, no, no, don't do this now, please. No, no, we're gonna keep in the we're gonna stay in this relationship. It's it's going so well. It's going so well in our fantasy mind. It's going so well because it looks well, it looks good. We like being in a relationship and we don't want to rock the boat. I always say, was it really a surprise when he leaves? Or was it something you didn't want to confirm? And I think that from my experience, I have left many times because I couldn't take it. And when I say I couldn't take it, it was basically my body was telling me to get out. Like my nerves, my anxiety, like I had more anxiety being with this individual than I than not. You know, when you think about being with someone, you should you should feel like you're at peace. You should feel like this is, and I don't mean like it's perfect. I don't mean like there's no fighting, there's no arguments, I should say. You know, I'm not saying that it looks like that. I just I'm saying that it should feel like you are at peace and not feeling like a ball of anxiety. And I can honestly say, in all of these instances that I was in these relationships, I felt anxiety the minute I started, you know, I went to see them or I was in their presence, and I just didn't feel right, it didn't feel good, and your body will continuously push, push, push, tell you, tell you, tell you. And when I say push, like making you feel feel even more anxiety, like telling you, get the fuck out, to the point where you can't take it anymore. So for me, there have been times where I couldn't take it anymore. Like, oh my god, why am I in this situation? It's not good for me, and I just left. Okay. Or I stayed and I got sick. Like physically. I physically got sick. I had stomach pains. I had um, I couldn't digest my food correctly, I was off. It was just I I had brain fog. It was all these symptoms I had, and I would go to the doctor, and there was nothing going on. Like nothing. CT scan, nothing. Okay. The body knows. The body knows the body is protecting you, the body's telling you 911 emergency, get out. I'm curious if this woman had any ailments that she ignored, a headache that was continuous, a stomach pain, uh anxiety that all of a sudden came up and she doesn't know how to get rid of it. I'm curious if she had any of those um health symptoms.

The Oprah Story That Triggered Me

SPEAKER_00 7:57

Okay, so let's go and talk more about this story. And if you haven't watched the podcast, you gotta watch the podcast. You know, she has her own YouTube channel, okay. There's one story in particular that that really grinded my gears, okay? That really pissed me off. And it was the story where she discusses how in her book she talks about how when her ex-husband, um, when they finally decided to have this this divorce, um, it took him a whole month to finally come by and for them to both tell the the kids that, hey, we're not gonna be together anymore. And she recalls how happy he was walking down to walking down the path to the house that they once shared, happily married. And she's looking at him like, my God, he looked like he is skipping with joy. And here I am, like falling apart because now I gotta deal with this failed marriage. So there's that, you know, he's skipping, coming into the house, so excited to tell his kids, hey, I'm getting a divorce, we're getting a divorce. Well, we don't, mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore, and your world is about to go upside down. Who does that? Okay, so she's seen him do that, and in my mind, I'm like, if that was me, what would have been my reaction? I mean, I think I would have said, could you fucking contain yourself? At least wait until you leave to show your happiness that you're leaving your family. Um, again, I wouldn't want him to be with the family if he's unhappy, but did he understand what was happening to his kids by telling what was going to happen to his kids by him doing this? So there's that, okay. And then he tells the kids, right? These these girls, and I'm I'm not sure how old they are. He tells his daughters, and in the midst of it, he's like, Oh god, I'm so hungry. You think you can make me a sandwich? I can't, I can't. I am like, what the fuck? And like she's telling Oprah this on the podcast, and Oprah's like, hello. And she proceeds to tell Oprah how in her mind she first said, you know, why don't you make your own damn sandwich? But then she's like, you know what? I'm gonna be the bigger person, I'm gonna be the role model for my kids, and I'm gonna make him the best sandwich he's ever had so that he knows he's leaving a good thing. Okay, so let's unpack a couple of themes here, okay?

The Good Girl Conditioning

SPEAKER_00 11:07

Um, the first theme is trying to be a good role model, and I feel like this is this, I call it a quiet conditioning for women, you know, to be this good person, be the good girl, be the be the better person. You don't need to match his energy, you don't need to be nasty like him and and be mean, you know, be nice. How many times have you been told by your parents or your mother particularly, be nice? I think is this a generation thing? Like I feel like this is a Gen X thing. Our parents were baby boomers, and be nice. You don't gotta be mean, be nice, okay? You don't have to match his energy, be nice, and this conditions us to be nice when uh we shouldn't be nice, we shouldn't be nice to a person who disrespected the marriage, disrespected the family, the kids, me. I mean, this guy had an affair, okay? Uh, there is no being fucking nice, okay? You could be cordial, you can be emotionless, keep it as a business transaction if you want to be nice, but to do that is such a first of all, I feel like you you you um take him off the hook for accountability for what he did. Okay, and it also drowns and minimizes your emotions and your voice because you're basically saying, I'm mad, you know, it's like I'm mad, I'm angry, I can't believe he did this, but I'm gonna be nice. It's pushing down those emotions. And how many times are women told to do that? Why? Why should we? Okay, and as far as the being nice part, um, I mean, like I said, be cordial. But could you do an F bomb once in a while and be like, I can't fucking believe you, you piece of shit. Like, what is wrong with saying that? You don't have to say it yelling, you don't have to be screaming at him, you don't have to be throwing dishes at him. But what about saying, you know what? You're a piece of fucking shit. If you come in down to this house all fucking happy, knowing that you are the one who made the choice to leave the marriage by having an affair, that's a cheater, that's a liar. You could have just said, look, this marriage, I don't, I'm not happy, and I'm going to respect you and ask for a divorce. But no, you decided to stray and have sex with another woman while you came home to me and the kids. Like, there's nothing wrong with saying that. I'm sorry, I don't care what anybody says. And here's the other side of it, okay? Because sometimes people will say, Well, what's the point of telling somebody that? The point of telling somebody that is not for them to change, it's not for them to say anything to you. The point is you get it off your chest, you stand your ground, you say what you feel. It's really for you, not so much for that other person. So I still couldn't believe that she didn't tell him to go fuck himself when he asked her to make the sandwich. And then the second part of how I'm gonna make the best sandwich ever so that he knows how good this was. Girl, why? Why? He ain't gonna come back and stay because of the sandwich. You think he's thinking about how good that sandwich was, and he's gonna say, should I leave this woman? No, he is not. That's why you don't make the fucking sandwich. Tell him to make it himself, and after he tells the kids, get the fuck out. This whole idea of keeping the peace, staying composed, avoiding emotional explosion. Like I said, you don't need to yell, you don't need to, you know, poke fun at him or be malicious in that way. But in my mind, I don't think there's anything wrong by saying P, you know, you piece of shit. Okay, maybe you don't want to say you piece of shit. Maybe you say, you know, just come here, do what you need to do, and then get the fuck out. That's it. This whole idea of women not making waves, again, it's this quiet conditioning that we were brought up the minute that we were born into this world, we were told that we had to act a certain way. Now I'm curious. I'm curious. Were men told this? Were boys told this? Were boys told to keep the peace? Be nice. No, they were told to fight for their right. You know, they were told to stand their ground. Like, how dare someone disrespect them? But we women were not given those same teachings, and we carry those teachings of be nice and don't make waves into our relationships, and we get taken advantage of. So even if you were brought up that way, where we where you are quietly conditioned to be a certain way, you still as an adult have choices, okay? And even if you know that you were told to be nice, you don't want to be nice. You don't. You like you're self-aware that I don't want to be nice, I want to tell this guy to go fuck himself, okay? And yet you're still being nice because you don't want to make waves, okay, in your relationships, especially let's talk about in our relationships, okay?

Fear Of Single Mother Life

SPEAKER_00 17:34

So going back to my original uh discussion about being in these relationships where we know they're bad, we're no, we know they're not good, we know this person is toxic, and we don't want to make waves. And for especially for single mothers, uh, that first of all, who wants to become a single mom? Like nobody's like saying, sign me up for that. Hey, sign me up to be a single mom. But I don't know, sometimes I wonder maybe we should be signing up for this these things. Um, but nobody wants to do that, okay? Why? Because, and I'll talk about my own experience with this. The last thing I wanted to do was be a single mother. My mother was a single mother, you know. She were her my parents were married, and the divorce was horrific, and it was a struggle. I saw my mom struggle all the fucking time. She had three, four jobs. Um, I hardly, you know, saw her, and I don't mean that like she neglected us, but she worked, she, you know, she came home and uh she would make us dinner and then she would say, Okay, I gotta go do my second shift. I gotta go work at night. And she would leave us like around eight o'clock, nine o'clock, and she would come home at 11. Um, but those hours we were responsible for our homework, we were responsible for keeping, you know, keeping the house tidy, I guess. Um, and then she would come home late at night, and then the next morning she would do um like a day job. And then she, I mean, she was, and then the weekends she was again working, she was always working. And as a kid seeing that, I didn't want that for myself, nor did I want that for my daughter. So for me, I could say I didn't want to make waves because I didn't want to be a single mother. You know, there's that instability, there's that hustle that I didn't want to do. Um, as far as my other relationships, I didn't make waves because I felt like I was hoping it will change. I was hoping that this narcissist would change, this toxic man, because everything else about him was great. Well, you know, his family was great. You know, we were getting along, our families were getting along, they were meshing, you know, his extended family, everything was going so well except for him. If only he would change, everything would be great, you know. I didn't want to start over. Like I was tired of that. Okay, now I gotta go back out, go do the apps. I don't want to do that. I want to hang on to this guy. You know, hopefully he will change. I just didn't want to start over. We stay because we're not ready for what knowing requires. Like that is the mic drop. Okay, we're not ready. We're not ready for what knowing requires, which may be us leaving, um, having a divorce, going through the proceedings. Ain't nobody want to sign up for a divorce, especially with kids. No matter how you are compatible with your uh significant others, and you have a great relationship, and you made the decision to, hey, we're gonna, you know, this relationship isn't great, you know, we're gonna get a divorce. No matter how great and amicable it is, the divorce in itself is horrible. The process dealing with lawyers, dealing with judges, it's just stressful. And ain't nobody want that. But then the trade-off is you stay and you get stripped of your soul. So I think we just know. We always know.

Staying For Kids Turns Transactional

SPEAKER_00 21:52

Let let's talk about the um the transactional mindset, okay? So it's like Saying this, you know, I'm gonna stay in this relationship, even though it's trash, because um it's for the kids. The kids get to have a home, they are gonna be living in a happy home. So the relationship becomes transactional at that moment. That that's not healthy, people. That is not fucking healthy, okay? You staying for the kids, this becomes a transactional thing, okay? I'm not staying because I want to. I'm not staying because this is an amazing relationship. I'm not staying that this is a healthy relationship. I'm not staying because this is a great role model of what love looks like for the kids. When you put it in that perspective, the relationship becomes transactional, okay? Um, and I feel like when we do that, we ignore the emotional truth. We ignore the emotional truth that this is this is not healthy staying for the kids. I can remember for me saying to myself, let me wait until my daughter is 10 years old, and then I'll I'll make waves. Because at 10, you know, she had the experience of having two parents, and you know, uh, she had the experience of, you know, being in a secured home. And at that point, she has a say and she has a better understanding. And that was what I was thinking. I was thinking, I'm gonna wait and to say something until she's 10. But what I didn't know is that he was already had his feet out of the relationship, and he was like, I'm not getting what's I get what I get, and if I don't get it, I'm out. And that is exactly what his mindset was. And so he was already like planning and made his plans to to make his accept uh his escape. And I was blindsided because I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready to be a single mother. I wasn't ready and I wanted to stay a little bit longer, but I had no control of the situation, and I already knew deep down inside if I made the waves, it would have been a horrific, horrific experience. And guess what? I didn't make waves, he made the waves, and it was still horrific. So either way, I didn't avoid the horrific feeling in the process that was to come. But like I said, the relationship became transactional. And to me, that's not fucking healthy. All right. Remember, I was talking about the truth, this truth that we are quietly carrying, like we know this is not a happy relationship. We quietly know he's pulling away. I mean, I could tell you, like if from the from the standpoint of seeing him pulling away, him not being happy, I'm settling, I'm overfunctioning, you know, looking at all these signs, I mean, God, there was a plethora of signs, and I ignored them. And these behaviors that they did were becoming normalized. Him acting out, him being mean to me, him, you know, uh gaslighting me, him doing, you know, just emotional damage was becoming my normal. That was just not healthy. We're carrying the truth, but we're not doing a goddamn thing about it.

The Cost Of Not Leaving

SPEAKER_00 25:52

So it's not like we don't explode because we're unaware, we stay quiet because we're trying to survive what we already feel, and we stay quiet because we don't want to make waves, we're not ready, we're not ready, and I remember even in my time as a therapist, and I had this one client who was so unhappy in her relationship, and she's telling me all the things about the relationship, like all the fucking red flags and how much she hates him. And she would say, I'm not ready to leave. And I said, Okay, uh, at what point are you gonna leave? And she's like, I don't know yet. I don't know. So many of us are just not ready to leave. But damn, you're not ready to make that decision to leave is killing you, is tearing you apart. And as much as I show the mirror to her of it breaking her soul, tearing up her soul, I'm showing her the mirror. I'm like, look, you keep staying. This is this is happening right now. You telling me you're feeling sick, you are are not feeling yourself, you feel off, is gonna continue. And yet you stay. How many times did I want to just slap her and be like, girl, get the fuck out? But it's not my decision. And again, I think it's that fear of the unknown, the fear of not knowing what could happen and you not wanting to deal with it. I don't want to deal with this shit. I don't want to deal with it. I I I don't know what's gonna happen, and I'm so fearful of that that I'm just not gonna do anything. But in the meantime, it's tearing my life apart, it's tearing up my soul. I'm getting sick. Like, put it into that perspective. Maybe, just maybe, you would make the decision that, hey, this just is not good. This is just not good. Now it's time to be strategic because I think men are more strategic in leaving than women are. We're so like have this emotional attachment to these people that we forget about ourselves and being strategic in the relationship and making our exit. And there's a cost to you not leaving, there's a cost to you not removing yourself from that relationship. And there's so many costs. There's the emotional cost, there's the practical cost. You know, at what point does it get too expensive? Because the longer we avoid the truth, the more expensive it becomes. It starts harming our bodies. And I think that is exactly what happened in my situation many, many times where I got physically ill. The body knows. The body knows, and the body is telling you to leave. And I feel like the more that you stay with someone like that, and the body endures that, you're more apt to accept those behaviors in the in other relationships. In other relationships, your body's like, oh, yep, I remember this. Yep, let's stay longer because that's what she does, and we're gonna be hurting in the in the in the midst of it. But we've been through this before and we know it, and it becomes a pattern, it becomes a pattern that in the next relationship we endure again, and I have done that time and time again, but not anymore. So let's go back to the story um on the Oprah podcast with this woman, Belle, the book Strangers. I haven't read the book, okay? I don't know a lot of the details of the relationship. I know I'm gonna be a betting woman and say that if I read this book, I'm gonna be like, oh my freaking God. I don't think my perspective is going to change. I think that this is somebody who knew that this was a failed marriage, did not want to make waves, was trying to be the good girl. I mean, she made her, she made him his sandwich. And she made a darn good, a darn good sandwich. Good girl. Like, what the fuck? So I'm gonna read it. Didn't expect that, right? I'm gonna read it and I'm gonna have a part two to this because I want to talk more about this because I see it time and time again, and not only in marriages, but in relationships, and I have been through it. And when I say been through it, I have observed the process right at the beginning. Right at the beginning when the woman's like, oh yeah, we're getting married, and I'm like, what? Remember you said, remember you said the things that he was doing, you didn't like it? Yeah, yeah, but you know, this it's gonna be different. And you see that progress of it failing right at that beginning, and we ignore these red flags for the sake of being in marriages and being in relationships and being with someone because we don't want to be alone or we don't want to be a

What To Do With Knowing

SPEAKER_00 31:44

single mom. There's a part two to this, okay? So maybe the moment that changes your life isn't when everything falls apart, maybe it's the moment you stop pretending it isn't because deep down, most of us already know. We know our body knows it's screaming at us. The question is, what are we going to do with that knowing? And I think that's where the fear comes in, that's where we can't move, we're like stuck because we don't know what we're going to do. So let's talk about that next time. Next week, we'll have a new podcast episode with a guest. There's so many great guests that are going to be coming on. We still have I Can't Believe My Life segment, and that one is just gonna blow your mind. So, once again, if this resonates with you, share the episode, put in a review. Mom is my emergency contact podcast, it's fairly new. So please put in a review. The reviews really help me out on the um the podcast platforms. Tell me what you think. Um, DM me, follow me on Instagram and TikTok, Mom Is My Emergency Contact. Um, and let me know your thoughts. Let me know your thoughts of future episodes. If there's an episode or topic that you think I should talk about, let me know. But, anyways, reach out to me and until next time, bye!