Ep. 23 What Men Don’t Tell You About Dating… Until They Become Husbands

He went from swiping and “seeing where it goes” to choosing a wife and building a life he actually wants, and we press him on every detail. Richard joins me for a no-filter breakdown of what changes when a man is serious, what “the it factor” really is, and why trying to force a fit can waste years. If you’ve ever asked “Why her?” or “What do men mean when they say they’re not ready?” this conversation gives you the clearest answer: listen to the words, then watch the choices.

Key Takeaways

• Take time to heal after a breakup.  
• Use dating apps wisely, understanding that users may have different intentions.  
• Clear communication is key to successful relationships.  
• Seek partners who align with your values and long-term goals.

About Richard Dodds

Richard is a creative producer, podcast host, husband, father, and the founder of Crowned Culture Media. For nearly two decades, he’s worked in design and digital storytelling, producing hundreds of podcast episodes and helping leaders, authors, and speakers turn their ideas into powerful conversations.
But beyond the titles, Richard believes deeply in perspective. His work explores culture, identity, growth, and what it really means to build something that reflects who you are both professionally and personally. Whether he’s behind the mic or behind the scenes, he’s committed to creating media that feels honest, intentional, and impactful.

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Transcript

No Filter Setup And Big Questions

SPEAKER_02 0:17

Welcome to Mom Is My Emergency Contact Podcast, Real Conversations, No Filter. I am Lisa, your host. Okay, today we have a very special guest. We have a man who used to be out there in the dating streets, swiping, texting, probably saying, let's see where it goes. And now he's married. So today.

SPEAKER_00 0:38

Whoa, I don't know if I like that characterization or not.

SPEAKER_01 0:41

What's wrong with that?

SPEAKER_00 0:43

Out there in these streets.

SPEAKER_02 0:44

So today we're doing what every curious woman secretly wants to do. We're asking the man who survived the dating scene and chose a wife. Why her? What made her different? What made him ready? And did he always know, or was he just finally tired? We're also getting into how marriage changed him and whether becoming a husband changed him more than becoming a dad. Because, ladies, we have questions. So welcome to Mom is my emergency contact. Let's get

Meet Richard And His Background

SPEAKER_02 1:15

to it. Richard, how are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Hello. I'm doing fantastically well. How are you?

SPEAKER_02 1:20

I'm good. You're laughing at my intro. So Richard Richard is uh well, Richard and I go way back, uh probably uh 2021.

SPEAKER_00 1:33

2021, 2021. 2020, probably. 2020, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:37

So let me give you let me give the listeners your intro here. You are a creative producer, podcast host, husband, father, and the founder of Crown Culture Media. For nearly two decades, he worked in design and digital storytelling, producing hundreds of podcast episodes and helping leaders, authors, and speakers turn their ideas into powerful conversations. And that's how I met you through the podcast world.

SPEAKER_00 2:05

It's crazy how different that sounds on paper. It's like, wow, okay, I did something with my life so far.

SPEAKER_02 2:11

Be serious, you did a lot. I'm proud of you. Um, I known you when you were just this podcast host, and now look at you.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

Humble beginnings. I knew you back when.

SPEAKER_02 2:23

So I know that you and I have spoken about this on each other's podcast because you had a podcast with your cousin, and is that still up and running?

SPEAKER_00 2:34

I mean, it's still up. You can listen to all episodes, but nothing new.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

Okay. It was really good. You talked about relationships and um especially the dating and all that. So let's go through the timeline of where it all began. The dating years. So when you were dating, like what were you looking for at the time? I mean, were you just like, I wanna I want to be in a relationship? Or you were like, no, I I'm looking for a wife.

SPEAKER_00 3:05

So I so I guess we can start.

Leaving A Decade Long Relationship

SPEAKER_00 3:09

I I was in my 20s. I was in a very long relationship. And when I say long, I say 10 years. We started dating in um college. So, you know, I never have I've always been the type I always wanted to get married. So, but that just she just wasn't the right fit. We kind of stayed in that relationship way longer than we should have. We were young, and uh, you know, when you leave something like that, you start to have those questions like for me. I was like, if I leave this relationship, I might not ever have kids, which is something that I want. Uh just being realistic. And uh I just had to be honest with myself at that time to be like, uh, this isn't for me. And I have to find a person that is for me, that's my person, let her go out and find her person. So that was the first, that was the first like big thing because I was like most of my 20s. I was I was in one relationship. And you know, like any relationship has ups and downs. And the thing I try to take from is I try to learn from everything that I do. So I think after that relationship, things had were different because technology had changed. Like I had never heard of these dating apps. I was like, what is what is Tinder? What is bumble? What is uh hinge? Like what are these things? But instead of like being in college and meeting people like every every single day, like I I wasn't in a place where I was meeting people, and you really typically don't want to date people where you work at. I mean, I've done it before, it's not the best experience because like when you break up, you gotta still work with them. So um unless you're trying to switch jobs too. But so that that was quite the the culture shock for me, knowing that, you know, like the the apps were out there, and I think the apps kind of like start to desensitize you. So I think initially when I got out of first relationship, I was the or that long relationship was I just wanted to see what was out there, meet people, uh, kind of go on some dates. And and like like even especially after being in relationships like that, you gotta heal. Cause like, you know, like this is the person that you potentially wanted to be with for the rest of your life. So I had to heal a lot of things about myself and realize where I was hurting some places and figure out like where I needed to what I needed to strengthen and what I was good at, and yeah, you know, just do some self-work before I met somebody else. I didn't want to take that baggage into another relationship.

SPEAKER_02 5:33

I also have to say that you're an outlier. So maybe you were not the you're not the best example here. Um, because that's I mean, I remember when we used to go on a clubhouse and you would talk, and all the women were like, oh my God, he speaks so well. And, you know, because you were very, you know, you were vulnerable and you were talking about how you saw things and what you were looking for, like you knew what you wanted. And I think that for women to hear that, it's like very attractive, like to hear a man to say, This is what I want, this is what I'm looking for, and not a man who's like, I'm just gonna just date whatever. Um, so I think when you talk about doing the work, were you doing the work as you were dating? Like, were you kind of like, oh wow, did that didn't work out? And hey, I didn't realize that about myself. Like, were you self-aware to that point?

SPEAKER_00 6:28

I I don't know if I was always self-aware, but I think it's a constant thing that we do. Like, I mean, I like to do it anyway, just because I want to reevaluate what am I good at? Talk to your partner, like, hey, what did I do right? What's going wrong? Especially like now married. It's like we gotta check in with my partner, like, hey, what's hey, babe, what's going on? Like, is it something I need to be doing better? Like, we like to have conversations where we check in on each other because like you, I'm not the same person I was when we met. When me, when me and you met in 2020, completely different person. I will say I did have a benefit of talking about relationships every week, 60 episodes. And when you spend time focused on a subject, you start to understand it and analyze it a different way than most people do. So I feel like doing that show gave me a lot of clarity uh on what I was looking for, because it was times where I was looking for a wife, but it was times where I got in my life where I was like, I've done everything by the book throughout my whole life. And I just kind of want to just go out and just do whatever. Just not, I don't have to be serious in any kind of relationship. But the thing is, is that I always tried to be forthright whenever I met somebody. Uh, let them know, like, hey, like, I'm not really looking for anything serious right now. And um, like I can kind of see how people can get jaded from that because I've been on both sides of that. Like, I've been in situationships where it's like, hey, I'm not really looking for something and they hear me, but they don't hear me. And then I've been on the opposite side where she's like, hey, I'm not really looking for anything, and I hear her, but I don't respect that. So having it happen to me and seeing it from both sides gives me a new respect for both sides. It's like a lot of times the people that like we're trying to talk to will tell us exactly what it is in the beginning. And it's up to us to choose whether or not we listen to them or not. Like, I wouldn't go in trying to change them, I would take them at face value. That's the very first thing because it's a lot of times I didn't, and I ended up being sad because it's like, dang, I really liked you. And it was like, I told you what it was in the beginning. And I was like, people telling me that and me telling people that. So if you're not ready to date, you're not ready to date. And you can't force somebody to be ready for something that they're not ready for.

Situationships And Hearing The Truth

SPEAKER_02 8:40

So I want to talk about a little bit about that. Okay, so the part where I love that you said that they hear me, but they're not really hearing it, right? So talk a little bit about how you said to somebody, look, I'm not really looking for anyone. And yet that woman was still thinking, I'm gonna change him. Like what? Like I got, I mean, come on, you have to say that you've probably experienced that multiple times where Oh, for sure. And what was like the kicker, like what were the little flags of like, wow, she's not getting it? And and did you say it again? I hey, you know, I said, or how did that, what did that look like?

SPEAKER_00 9:20

I I usually try to take a step back after, after we kind of started to, because I was like, hey, like I will, and maybe, maybe this is my fault too. Like, I take some responsibility in it just because it's like I'll say I'm not looking for anything, but it's like I wanted to fill a void in my life. So I wanted to be forthright. Like I had been in a long-term relationship. Like I wanna, I wanna go out on dates and I I wanna like treat somebody nice. So it's like, even if we're just friends, like I'm gonna take you out, I'm gonna treat you like a gentleman, I'm gonna open your door, I'm gonna pay for the meals, I'm gonna plan stuff, we're gonna kick it, like we can go and like watch TV and chill out. And you know, like it's very, it feels like we're dating, but it's like that's what I needed. But it was like, hey, but I'm not looking to take it any further than like us just dating. Like, I'm not looking for a relationship. So it's kind of like reiterating that. And then when you see that they really don't get it, and you're and especially like if you're starting to cause pain, it's like I kind of had to take a step back because I didn't want somebody to be jaded just because of me, because it's like they heard me, but they didn't hear me. But like that became more clear when it happened to me. When it when the shoe was on the other foot, it became more clear. So it's like, all right, like maybe I need to be even more clear, or maybe I maybe this is not what I should be doing. Maybe I should just go out with like a group of friends instead of trying to like go out on dates with somebody that I don't have any intentions of taking any further because I'm not in a space to be in a relationship.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

So okay, again, an outlier. Um, so because I feel like I think communication is like number one, right? That that's like the most important thing. Um, and then like reiterating, I'm for some reason I'm having deja vu. I feel like we've talked about this before.

SPEAKER_00 11:04

We you know, we probably have, honestly.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Like we've talked about this. Um, okay, so this was pretty early on, like we're in 2026, and you know, the apps were there, but I don't think they were that polluted like they are now.

Dating Apps And What They Miss

SPEAKER_02 11:24

So from your experience with, and this is just your experience, you know, when you were dating, did you find a majority of women were just as much as like, hey, I'm just kind of seeing where this goes, or were women looking for the husband material?

SPEAKER_00 11:42

Really depending on the app.

SPEAKER_02 11:44

Oh, let's talk about that.

SPEAKER_00 11:46

Well like I feel like uh, like so I'm I actually met my wife on Hinge. And I feel like the women that I dated from Hinge were more ready to settle down, they were looking for a husband. I think Tinder and even to an extent Bumble were kind of like, hey, it's kind of hit or miss. It's like either I'm looking to have fun or maybe I'm looking for something to see where it goes. Um, but I I kind of take issue with all of those apps just because you're missing so much of a person on an app. Like I remember an episode that we did together. It's like uh social media as a dating app. It's just because like with the dating apps, you miss so much of a person and like you have to dig. So like when you're looking at something so fast, you're looking at five seconds whether or not you're attracted to that person. Like, am I attracted to this person? I don't remember which one it is, swipe left or right. But like if I don't, if that person is ugly, like, but it could be somebody who who like is decent looking that you might be more attracted to when you met them, because I'm sure you can attest that sometimes you meet people and you're like, all right, they might not be my type, but then you talk to them and they get more attractive, or you meet somebody that's like, wow, they're really good looking, and then you start talking to them, it's like, wow, they're really ugly. Like, I can't, it's like that. You miss that part in that social interaction. So it's like uh, so like the people who really know how to take good pictures and kind of carry themselves, like they end up getting more dates, and it's not always the the bet the best the best people to be dated.

SPEAKER_02 13:18

I take a note, Hinge. Okay, let me write that down. Hinge okay, um, so one more one more question when we talk about dating.

Dating Multiple People With Purpose

SPEAKER_02 13:25

And you and I have spoken about this the dating of multiple people. Because I'll tell you, I see a lot of these single Facebook groups where women get like butthurt and be like, you know, he's dating this person, and oh, he's dating that person. And I'm like, uh it's called dating for a reason. He's allowed and you're allowed, and they're like, Well, I like to just date one person. Well, that's you. You can't expect that everyone is gonna do it the way you do it. So, how did you do it? And number two, did you let people know, or was it just you assumed that they knew?

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Uh I I'm I'm trying to recall, it's been a while now, but I always try to be upfront with it. Like, I did date multiple people at the same time. It's not like a gesture that I am so fond of. Like, I don't because it's only so much I can pay attention to. I think the most important thing is to understand where you are and understand what you're looking for. So, like the last time I was out dating when before like me and my wife got together, when I met my wife, I was really honest with what I was looking for. You know what I mean? So it's like, what am I looking for? Am I looking for this? Am I looking for that? So since I was looking, I wanted to be married, like I dated a little bit differently. So I was a little bit more intentional with my movement, and and when I talk to people like Hey, um, I kind of cut off people a lot quicker in that instance, just because when you don't know what you're looking for, because I I put it like this sometimes some people are looking for, some people love love. And I I've been guilty of that before. Like you just want to be in love. And then some people want a spouse, and some people want a wedding. I was looking for a partner. Like, so those things came with finding a partner, but it doesn't necessarily when you find a spouse, doesn't necessarily mean you find a partner. So I was trying to be very intentional about I'm looking for somebody who like we complement each other, we fit together, we can be ourselves around each other, we're a mirror for each other, we call each other out when we're we're doing the wrong thing, we lift each other up. Um, like somebody that understands if if one of us loses, we both lose. If one of us wins, we both win. That type of thing. So it made it a lot easier to date. So, like when I met my wife, like I was talking to other people. And I remember I had, I was seriously dating some someone, like, not seriously, but I had gone on a few dates with someone before I met my wife. And and it's like she was great, she was intelligent, we got along, we talked a lot. And I just felt like I was like, she's not the woman for me. Like, it's just like some you know, like you know, like I feel like women tend to know better than than we do. We don't always like us men don't always pay that much attention to it. But it's just like I just felt like she's awesome, like on paper, this is a go. But like in real life, like I just don't feel what I need to feel in order to be in a long-term relationship with her. So I remember having a conversation, like, hey, you are incredible, you're awesome, but you are not mine. Like, I don't want to waste your time. And like, because it was a situation to where I was getting to the point where like you find somebody that you're compatible with, right? And like they're cool, and you guys date for a year, two years, maybe even three years. I was getting to the point where I wasn't looking to date for a couple years, I was looking to to date somebody to get married. So in that situation, I would have dated her probably for a couple years, and then we would have, all right, this isn't working. But being realistic up front, like, hey, like you're awesome. It's nothing wrong with you, it's just not a fit. Being doing that safe, that's how I met my wife. If I hadn't have done that, I just say I wouldn't have met my wife because I would have been in a different relationship.

SPEAKER_02 17:27

Okay. That that makes sense. But I want to say that I want to ask you. So you that that point when you're like, okay, I'm getting serious, you had to get to that point. It wasn't like you got into the dating scene and then you were like kind of feeling it out. I mean, you were feeling it out, right? And then you got to the point where you said, okay, I I'm serious now. I'm really looking for something serious. Is that how it evolved?

SPEAKER_00 17:50

Yeah, so I guess to really answer your question, because I don't feel like I did it appropriately, is that I was dating multiple women, but like it wasn't like we were dating just to date. I was dating with purpose. I was trying to get to know them and see if it was a fit. And as I found out it wasn't a fit, that's when you start to move away. And for me, like the dating in that period is like maybe we went on a dinner date if we got to that point. But at first, it started like let's have deep conversations. Like if I couldn't have a conversation with you, then I didn't want to go on a date with you. Like, if we can't talk back and forth, if I can't ask you a question, if I ask you a question and you say like yes or no, and then you don't say anything back to me and you expect me to carry the whole conversation, then I'm like, all right, just this is not it either. I'm way more interested or what whatever it might be. I I found people or women that like wanted to carry those conversations, and then you start to narrow it down from there. So like once I got to that point to where I had like cool, awesome um women that I was talking to, then I was like, who who is it that really fits me, right? And if it wasn't like I hadn't met my wife at that point when I uh broke it off with the one young lady, uh, but I just knew it wasn't, I didn't want to waste her time because she was looking for a husband and I was looking for a wife. So I didn't want us to waste each other's time. And she really, she appreciated it. I don't think it was the easiest thing in the world, it wasn't the easiest thing to say, but she was appreciative that I was honest with her and up front and I didn't waste her

The It Factor And Fit

SPEAKER_00 19:22

time.

SPEAKER_02 19:22

So let me ask you this, because this is something that women often ask. What, but what is it? What it what is the it? Why why her, not me? What's the it? And you even said, because you got to the point where you're like, I'm gonna, I'm serious, I'm dating with purpose. And you even said you were dating a woman that you were, you know, you had a lot in common, you were having those conversations, and then your wife came along. What was the it that changed your mind? Or was it just a feeling?

SPEAKER_00 19:51

It was just a feeling, really, to be honest. Uh sometimes you you you can feel when it's off and you can feel when it's when it's right. And I think a lot of times in the past I've ignored those feelings. Uh times where I've been in relationships where it was off from the beginning. It's like you try to force it. And I was like, I'm not forcing it this time. If it's not right, if I'm not feeling it. Because if you don't feel it and you force it, then you end up doing yourself and that person a disservice. So it it it was really just how I felt. Like, do I feel like you ask yourself that question, do I feel like I could be with this person forever? It's like, forever's a long time, maybe not.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Um, I'm glad you answered that because, and I hope, I hope a lot of women listen to this because this is all I hear that all the time. But what what is the it? And it's like, you know, women, you win all us women have the feelings. And when we don't like, there's something about him that I don't like, and you can't put your finger on it. It's the same thing with you know, selecting somebody or being or or feeling comfortable with somebody or wanting to be with that person, um, because that's what I hear a lot. What is it that she has that I don't have? I hear that all the time. Um, and I think that we just need to say, okay, move on.

SPEAKER_00 21:09

So I don't even think it's not having something to like go into that, to go into what you're saying. I don't think it's not having something. It's just some things are right for you and some things aren't. There are good things that are not for you. You know what I mean? I I believe that. I believe that there are some good things out there that's just not a fit for you. It's good for certain for certain people, but it might not, it might be good in theory, but it might not be good for you. It's a because it's a difference. It's a good and a good for you.

SPEAKER_02 21:40

Okay, Richard. Now you're now we're getting deep here. Okay, so what is it then? So you so it sounds to me, because let's let's let's trans uh transfer to your wife now, okay? Your current wife, because what was it? What was different about your wife compared to the other women that you dated? Because now it sounds like it wasn't just Just a feeling. It was more than just a feeling.

SPEAKER_00 22:02

You just It was more than just a feeling. Yeah. I mean, because I mean, feelings can betray you, but it was a feeling and everything else in the checklist, right? My wife was everything that I wanted that I knew that I wanted, and then so much more that I didn't know that I wanted. And I think early on when she met my mother, one of the biggest compliments that my mom could ever give anybody, she said, Hey, you are yourself when you're around her.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

And it's been so many times where I've been with women and they've wanted me to change who I am in order to fit what they want for me. And my wife was not that person. And my wife even said the same things. She had been with people who wanted her to change. And I was like, I want you to stay exactly how you are.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

Right.

SPEAKER_00 22:53

I love you just the way that you are. She loves me just the way that I am. And it's like we try to change each other for the better, but it's not, I'm not trying to change a whole personality. Like, let's let's go work out or something. Like, you know, stuff like that. It's not like, hey, you snore funny or hey, you sleep funny. Like, you know what I mean? It's it's just like it's meaningful stuff. So uh I can imagine you saying that though for some reason.

SPEAKER_02 23:15

I can imagine you saying that. Um

Taxicab Theory And Spiritual Readiness

SPEAKER_02 23:18

wow. So the there's this thing called a taxicab theory, and that's what I was trying to get at. And the taxicab theory came from um the show Sex in the City, where if it you could be dating a man and he's just not like not looking to settle down and he's kind of just you know going with the flow. And then the minute that he decides that he's ready, the first woman that crosses his path, he marries her. So, what are your thoughts on that? Because it almost sounds like you're debunking that because it almost sounds like you went in with this intention of I want to be in a serious relationship and I'm going to date these women to find that. And then you mentioned that there was a feeling that you met with your wife versus the other women. So, what are your thoughts on that taxi cat theory? And uh, do you think that is that is that true in your mind for men?

SPEAKER_00 24:16

No, I don't think so. I think that every relationship you are in, uh, no matter how it ends, I I hope that you get something from it. So any relationship I I was in, the good or the bad, I was it's like that Denzel Washington clip. It's like I'm leaving here with something. Like I'm learning something from that relationship that I was in. So if it ended terribly, like, all right, what did I do wrong? Um, what did this person have that I liked? What did this person have that I didn't like? So every relationship I'm learning something from. But when I kind of got to the point to where I was dating, and I and I right when I was about to meet my wife, it was like I had a certainty in myself, and it was like, hey, like the next woman you date, kind of like the taxi cab theory, is gonna be the woman that you marry. So like the next woman that you seriously date is gonna be the woman that you marry. And I'm like very spiritual, so it's like, all right, I'm praying and stuff like that. But it's like I dated women between there, but I didn't date anybody seriously because I was so careful, because I knew the next woman that I met I wanted to potentially marry. And I evaluated them from a realistic standpoint, like, does this fit for me? Like, is this what I'm looking for? Am I what she needs? Because the last thing I want is to find something that I want and not be what that person needs as well, because that's not gonna work either. Both both parties need to be able to get what they're looking for in a relationship.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

What what does she require of you? This is a she gonna listen to this afterwards? What is she what did she require of you that other women did it?

SPEAKER_00 25:54

I don't know if it, you know, like I was older when we got when when I met her. Like we had lived lives. Like I had my own home. She had her own home. Like we were we were adults. It wasn't anything that she necessarily required

Deep Talks On Money And Marriage

SPEAKER_00 26:08

from me. I will say the biggest thing was that the conversation was there. And like even after our first date, like uh, like my friends asked me, like, oh, what's going on? And I was like, you know, like we might not date. We may, we may or may not date, but like we're gonna be good friends because we just talked about everything. Like, like in the first few months, like we knew so much about each other because of we weren't like, hey, what did you eat for dinner? It was more like um, like, what what what do you see your future? Like, you know, you start out like with getting uh asking those questions, but it wasn't shallow conversations. It was like, hey, what do you think about finances? Like, how do you handle finances? How do you think, how do you think uh a relationship should be? What does a marriage look like to you? Because it's different types of marriages. It's marriages where one partner stays home. It's one marriage, it's different marriages where people they contribute 50-50 is one marriage, like you talk about children where like the stay-at-home mom or a stay-at-home dad. We talked about all of this stuff uh before we even really got together. We talked about like, hey, this is how I see finances in the future. And hey, this is what marriage means to me, and how I see like a household working. So I think it was more of that kind of stuff, like just getting to know her more than her requiring anything from me. Uh, it was just like that fit.

SPEAKER_02 27:29

I mean from an emotional standpoint, but let me ask you this instead. Maybe this would be a little bit give me the answer, give me an answer, okay? An answer. Did you have to grow to be ready for her? Like if you thought of 10 years ago, Richard, would 10 years ago Richard be ready for this woman?

SPEAKER_00 27:47

No, not at all.

SPEAKER_02 27:49

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 27:50

And you could ask my wife the same thing, and she would say she wouldn't have been ready for me either. I think the experiences that we both went through got us to be the people that we are when we met. And without those experiences, without those felt relationships, without like those situationships and the things that we learned from them, actually taking and learning stuff from them, I would have never been the person that I am right now. So it's not just going through certain stuff. You actually gotta actively try to learn something from them and try to like use that to help make you a better person overall, I feel like.

SPEAKER_02 28:28

Yeah, that's good. Good answer. Knowing that you ended up obviously dating a woman that you met on the dating apps, I'm sure everyone's like, oh my god, see, it does happen. Um, but let me ask you this. Uh have you ever dated? Now just taking a step back, have you ever dated someone you knew you weren't gonna marry?

SPEAKER_00 28:53

Yeah, yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_02 28:54

Because men do that and women.

SPEAKER_00 28:56

Yeah, I think I think it's certain things that you gotta work out. Like, you know, like I think, but I think the important thing is is for both of you to define like what it is that you're looking for. Because if if you come into a relationship and you're looking for marriage and like he comes into the relationship and was like, I'm just looking to have fun, you already got a disconnect. So it's like at that moment, you probably should cut it right there. Uh just because it's like you you two are not looking for the same things, it's gonna feel the same at the beginning part, but once you get to that middle part, you're gonna hit a you're gonna hit a uh fracture. Yeah. So um that was kind of like a a big thing. So like that's where that's kind of like what I was talking about earlier. That's where those situationships happen. Like, like it was a time where I was looking for marriage and and she was just looking to have fun. And we would get to this point, and then she'd be like, hey, this is getting too serious. I need to take a step back. It's like what are you talking about?

SPEAKER_02 29:53

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 29:54

So it's like like those moments make you realize it's like, oh, I've done that before. That's fair. She's entitled to do that, right? And then but it makes you understand like how it feels from the other point. So that's when you're not on the same page. You're not looking for the same stuff.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

Yeah. Okay.

Husband Versus Boyfriend In Real Life

SPEAKER_02 30:10

So when we talk about marriage, and we've discussed this before, because we were on a podcast with I think your other friends, and it was the conversation about how marriage was seen more of a religious thing, you know, that that was something that you saw marriage as. Um, and other people might feel the same way, especially if they're Catholic, Roman Catholic, or whatever religion that they are in. But let me ask you this, because I'm on the side of marriage is not needed. Um, but let me ask you this for you from your perspective, how is being a husband different from being a boyfriend?

SPEAKER_00 30:56

It's completely different. Tell me. I have some practical examples for you, because I could tell you from like many different points of view. Because like I still believe, like from a Christian point of view, like yeah, marriage is a whole nother step and it's a whole nother commitment. Like, legally, like you're a legal entity once you get together. That changes everything. And so even when we had first got engaged, me and my wife, uh, she had to go to the hospital. And she had been in a hospital before, and I was there as your boyfriend. You don't get the same treatment as a boyfriend, you don't get the same access as a boyfriend as you do even as a fiance. It's a completely different kind of access. So something happens to her and they're contacting me. You talk about my mom is my emergency contact, I'm her emergency contact now. So if something happens to her, legally, I can get information that I wouldn't be able to get if I was just her boyfriend.

SPEAKER_02 31:49

My mom was still my emergency contact when I was married.

SPEAKER_00 31:52

But, anyways, that's unless that that's that tells me a lot about that marriage. I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 32:02

Um, anyways. Um, okay, fair enough. I mean, I'm not gonna push too much of it because I think that, yes, leak legality, and I think that's more of a societal thing, but I think we're changing a little bit more of that, don't you think?

SPEAKER_00 32:14

I think more than legally, I think it's just like a whole different kind of commitment. Because it's like it's one thing to say that I'll be there forever, but it's another thing to have a piece of paper. But granted, you can't get divorced. It's just a like for me, for me personally, and I know this isn't everybody, it's just a whole nother level of commitment. Saying, like I walk around with a symbol on my finger saying, like, hey, I'm taking and I'm not I'm not for anybody but her. Like, so, and I mean for different people, I mean different stuff. I know that. But for me, it's something that I take very seriously. And it's just like a whole nother level of commitment for me. It's just like showing the world that I'm committed to her, showing God that I'm committed to her, showing my family and her family, which is kind of which is actually very important, um, that I'm committed to her in a different kind of way. Because you can commit on different levels. I'm committed to being her husband, so that means that something happens to her, something happens to me. Like we're connected. Like, so we, you know, we went and bought a house after we got married. We got we bought a house. It's different. Like, I wouldn't have wanted to buy a house with like just somebody that I wasn't married to. Like, that's a different kind of responsibility. But but now, like legally, like we're together regardless. So it it just means it just like for me, and I and I and I respect that it means something different to you. Like I respect that's like I respect it, but like for me, so and I and that's even in like when you think about getting in a relationship, you gotta make sure that like I want to make sure that I wanted to marry somebody that marriage meant the same thing to them because it would have been a disconnect there. Cause if she's like, I don't want to get married, and it's like I really want to get married, then that's a disconnect too, right? And then one of us is gonna be unhappy because either we're not gonna get married and I want to get married and I'm gonna be resentful, or she's gonna get married and she don't want to get married and she's gonna be resentful for doing something that she didn't want to do.

SPEAKER_02 34:06

So okay. Well, I'm not gonna argue. Um I'm gonna say that you are an outlier. I really think that's the the your belief, your intention, your perspective. Like you, I mean, you got men who are wearing wedding rings that are still getting hit on by other women and straying and having multiple having multiple women on the sides. And I think for you, you're I think what and not not just you, I'm sure there's a lot of men that that are like you and people in general, but I think that you are when you say something, you mean it. Like there is no wavering, there's no like eh, no. I if I'm gonna tell you something, I mean it. And I think that's just who you are as a person. And I think that is how a lot of other men and women who are loyal to their partner, um, that they are intentional in that relationship. So we'll move on.

SPEAKER_00 35:06

I don't know. I think I think it's a level of maturity that comes with that too. Just because that's true. When you put the ring on, it doesn't stop people from wanting to hit on you. It's like even when I started dating my wife, I made a conscious decision. Like, I don't want to ever put myself in any kind of situation where I can be compromised. So it's like understanding like who you are and like what your relationship means. And like, all right, so I'm not going out, I'm not staying out till 12 in the morning drinking with coworkers. Like I'm not gonna be out drunk because in those situations, in your right mind, you don't want anything to happen. But if you put yourself in a certain situation, you're opening up a door for things to happen. So not only did I say, like, I don't want to do anything like that, I want to make sure that I don't put myself in a situation where I can be in a weakened state and I have uh like a horrible, uh, what is it, a horrible judgment at that moment. Uh so it's like I guard myself in that way too. It's like I don't know, I don't even want to be put in a position where I have to even worry about that.

SPEAKER_02 36:08

Yeah, like you're on a cold play teleprompter and you're hugging some cool work.

SPEAKER_00 36:13

Exactly. Yeah, not at all. You know?

Fatherhood And Becoming A Girl Dad

SPEAKER_02 36:16

Um, all right, let's switch gears here because now you're a dad. Okay. Yes. And how did becoming a father change you? And you have a little girl, so that's probably even more special.

SPEAKER_00 36:27

A girl, dad. It's great. I I don't know. It's kind of really hard to describe because no matter what kind of like people told you about being a father. Uh I had an episode on the show where I asked like some of my friends about being a father. I talked to my dad about when he had me. Like none of that prepared me for the actual weight and feelings that you have when you actually see that child for the first time. So I mean, I'm sure it's changed me in a hundred, it's made me more emotional. 100%, honestly, because like, you know, typical male, like they don't really teach us to feel our feelings in full, which is a disservice to I think humanity, just because there's so many people who are emotionally aware that are in these positions of power who don't understand like even what they're feeling in themselves, so they can't relate to you when you're going through something. But it made me more emotional because I was just so overwhelmed with feelings that I couldn't repress them anymore. So that and it it gave me a new sense of like not so much urgency, but it really made me want to do something meaningful with my life. Um, just because I always say that you learn more from what your parents did than what they said. So I was wanting to make sure that I'm like living up to what my daughter sees. Yeah. And just like having her is just like the best thing in the world. Like I could have like a bad day at work, but I pick her up every day. I drop her off and pick her up every day from from daycare. And like just picking her up and seeing how excited she is to see me, it just turns that whole day upside down. Like, it's just something about having like a little girl that has like part of your face, part of your wife's face. You can see like I see my sister in her face. I I can see other relatives in her face, and like having her get so excited to see me every day. And it's just like a whole another level of joy. Like, I I was listening back to like some clips that you and I had, me, you and Naaman um on that other podcast. And you guys were teasing me because I had I have a dog named Shiloh. He lives with my parents now since I had since I since we had my daughter, he lives with my parents, actually, which is crazy to think about see your face. He lives with my parents right now. Um, but like yo, you said that I look like a single mom when I posted pictures of me and Shiloh.

SPEAKER_02 38:59

It's so true though.

SPEAKER_00 39:01

But it's like even having like an animal to care for, it kind of gives you an understanding of caring for something, but it's like an exponential level different. Like, it's like they say, get a dog and it'll prepare you. Like, no, it's no preparation for getting an hour's sleep a night. It's not. But it's just the most incredible thing. And I I'm sure it's changed me in ways that I don't understand yet, but my daughter is an inspiration. Um, she's a joy. And like not only that, like I look at her and I appreciate uh my wife even more just because my wife had to carry her for nine months. And I saw the all that it took for her to have the baby and then even breastfeeding. And, you know, it's like certain times like where she was waking up in the night and it's like it was nothing I could do because like I didn't have the milk. So my wife had to wake up to to go feed her, and it's like uh like I like I just appreciate her, like my wife more for that. And like I already was like kind of like aware of like because I have a very strong relationship with my mom. I had I had a very strong relationship with my sister before she passed. Um, so I had like very a lot of women in my life, so I understood like the struggle that women went through, but like completely recontextualizes it when you're raising a little girl and a little minority girl at that. Like it's just like ah, like it just makes you look at everything like even more intently. Like intensely, it's just like ah, this is crazy.

SPEAKER_02 40:31

I'm gonna ask you this question again 12 years from now. There you go. And then you're gonna be like, holy shit, no. Um I remember heck, because my joy's a little different. Um so uh okay. I'm I I mean I think that for you, when I'm hearing and as you're listening and I'm feeling your emotions, um I will say that there are it's nice to hear that there's men like you because I remember dating somebody and they were divorced and it wasn't the greatest relationship and it wasn't the best divorce, but he said to me, I love my ex-wife for having my daughter. Wow. I don't think I'll ever hear my ex-hospital say that for me. I I mean, seriously, it takes such a level of maturity to respect that process that brought that child onto this planet. That's a whole level of maturity. I don't think I I gotta say, you're not, I don't even think that 50% of people are think that way. You know, I I think that's just a level of maturity understanding of life, of bringing life into this world. Um, what are your thoughts on that?

Respecting The Other Parent

SPEAKER_00 41:52

Yeah, I mean, I've always had a hard time when people like hate, like, especially when they speak poorly about like the person that is half their their child is made up half of, just because if you're gonna have a good relationship with your child, like you at least have to have respect in front of your child for the person that helps you make this child. So I I just think it's a lack of like probably like more like awareness of understanding of like what you go through as a child and identity. And even like I saw my sister and like we had different fathers, and her father wasn't present. Like my dad was really her father, my dad was her father, and um like so seeing her have that to where that was still her father, but not having a relationship, like kind of showed me a lot of like hey, even though he might not be present, part of him is still in her. So it's like if you talk poorly on that person, you're talking poorly on your own child in a sense. Right. And it's not a it's not a great situation for the child. So, but I I mean, but as far as men is involved, I don't think like we, like I got to like pretend like we weren't even having a baby like 90% of the time, you know what I mean? Like until the baby came, because it's like you don't have the day to, you don't have to live with it day to day. Like I go to work for eight hours and it's like I come back, oh like, oh yeah, you fragment, that's right. Not not that I not that I didn't know my daughter was was coming because I was going to doctor's appointments and stuff like that. But like for us, it's easier to disassociate. Like for you guys, like you guys every morning, morning sickness, every y'all, y'all, uh like like I loved my wife when she started the waddle. I was like, I love the waddle, babe. And she's like, shut up. Like it's so cute. It's so I was like, it's so cute, baby. I love you. Um, but it's just like that kind of stuff. Like you guys have to deal with it 100% of the time. And we don't always, especially like if you're not with that partner, you don't even have to see it. Like you don't have to see any of it until the baby comes here. And some people don't. So I think it just I think it says more about a person like if you don't respect that then than it does about like the mother or the child.

SPEAKER_02 44:04

So yeah I agree. I mean I always say I never regret meeting her father because then she wouldn't be born. Um but there's other thoughts to that. But anyways that's for another podcast.

Rapid Fire Advice And Where To Find Him

SPEAKER_00 44:16

Um all right so let's let's close out here because I I think this has been a really uh great conversation and taking it from the other side the the male's version not that you are the the representative of a hundred percent of all the men in on the planet I would say maybe 25% um but here's uh a couple of rapid fire questions okay so there's only one or the other don't explain or you could say both okay so here we go right chemistry or compatibility compatibility peace or passion peace love uh love at first sight real or delusion both can a man grow into readiness yes do men settle yes is she made me better real yes of course come on okay Richard thank you so much for this conversation um we're gonna continue it in the after hours for mom is my emergency on the substack but um if you could I want to close with this one question if you can give single women one honest piece of advice about how men choose what would it be it probably would be that a lot of times men are honest with you up front you just gotta really listen to what they're saying and not interpret it the way that you want to hear it a hundred percent yeah a hundred percent hope all the women are listening to this okay Richard again thank you so much where can we find you where can we find all the amazing things you're doing out there uh you can find me at Dazism and that's D-O-D-D-S-I-S-M on everything um I'm mostly a producer now so like I said this is the first time I've actually been on the side of the mic in a while um but I produce podcasts for other people uh but I'm also coming out with a podcast it'll be out um sometime this year it's called uh in my daddy era and it's just like little short probably five minute episodes uh about lessons and stories that I've learned since having my daughter see an outlier okay Richard I love this conversation but before everyone goes make sure you subscribe to Mama's My Emergency contact where you listen to podcasts we're on Apple Spotify and all major platforms if you'd rather watch the conversation head over to our YouTube channel just search Mama's My Emergency contact and hit subscribe and if you want bonus content because Richard and I are going to talk a little bit more behind the scenes come and hang out with us after hours.

SPEAKER_02 47:14

The link is in the notes for you to subscribe to and listen if you have a story that's too crazy to be true of this can't be my life moment we want it. So email us and let us know because it might end up being on the show.

Final Takeaway And Listener Calls

SPEAKER_02 47:29

Okay well this was enlightening to all the women listening we just got inside information we learned that sometimes it's not about being the perfect woman sometimes it's about timing sometimes it's about growth and sometimes it's about a man finally being ready to act right to our guests thank you for being brave enough to sit in the hot seat and answer the questions that we've all been thinking and to everyone listening whether you're single dating married divorce or somewhere in between just remember you're not auditioning you are evaluating. Until next time bye