Ep. 26 Single Mom, Real Talk

Someone tells a single mom to “just relax” and it sounds harmless, until you’ve lived the day she’s living. I sit down with Veronica, a California single mother raising a 15-year-old and the host of Stop Telling Me to Relax, to name what actually sits on our plates: the schedules, the bills, the loneliness, the identity shifts, and the pressure to look fine while we’re doing the work of two people.

Key Topics

• The emotional and financial chaos of single motherhood
• Balancing boundaries, self-care, and identity
• Navigating dating and relationships as a single mom
• The importance of community and support networks
• Challenging societal stigmas around single motherhood

About Veronica

Veronica Welch is California native, born & raised in the SF Bay Area. She is a single mother to a 15 year old son. She is the host of a podcast titled 'STOP. Telling Me to Relax: For  Single Moms Who Don't Have Time to Chill.' A platform that she created for a space for single mothers to share their life experiences raising children alone. 

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Transcript

No Filter Welcome And Setup

SPEAKER_01 0:17

Welcome to Mom is my emergency contact podcast, real conversations, no filter. I am Lisa, your host. Today we're talking to a single mom, not the Pinterest version, not the doing it all with a smile version, the real one, the one juggling schedules, bills, emotions, identity shifts, loneliness, strength, and still somehow showing up. We're talking about what it actually means to raise a child while building yourself, about dating when you have a kid watching, about guilt, about boundaries, about choosing yourself without abandoning your child. Because single motherhood isn't a tragedy, it's a masterclass in power. So let's get into it.

Meet Veronica And Her Platform

SPEAKER_01 1:07

Veronica. Hi, Lisa. Hello. I want to just say I'm so happy to have you on here. I'm just gonna give you all a really quick introduction on Veronica. She is from California, and I'm sure I'm saying it with the New York accent. California, she's a Californian native, born and raised in the San Francisco Bay Area. She is a single mother to a 15-year-old son. God, please send some prayers. Yeah. She is the host of a podcast titled Stop Telling Me to Relax. Love it. For single moms who don't have time to chill, a platform that she created for a space for single mothers to share their life experiences raising children alone. Veronica, thank you for coming on.

SPEAKER_00 1:59

Thank you, Lisa. It's a wonderful to be here. It's always such an honor when, you know, I interact with someone else who has a podcast or a platform, and um what I do resonates with them and they want to um have me on, you know, their their project or their their podcast. It's always um such a blessing to me uh just to be asked and can connect with other women. I mean, single mom or not, like we all have these similar collective experiences. And um, the only way I feel like as women we're gonna get through them is to support each other and hear each other's stories and take from each other in a way that will help help us all. So um I feel like in coming on your podcast, I'm doing that, and and thank you for that opportunity.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Of course, and you know, I will be honest, I said this to Veronica when I first met her. I love the title of the podcast because what are we always told to? Relax, relax. And we're like, stop telling me to relax. So tell us a little bit about that title and what made you start this podcast and creating this space for single moms, because that's really what you know, that that's the platform for the single moms.

Why “Stop Telling Me To Relax”

SPEAKER_00 3:15

Yes. So the name of my podcast just came from life experience and being like you, being told just relax, you know, as mothers and especially as single mothers, you have a lot on your plate. You're trying to um, you know, obviously take care of your child and and take care of your household and run that and cook and clean and all of those things. Parent your child, make sure they don't, make sure their grades are good and they're going on the right path, and they're not getting in trouble and everything's in line, you know, academically with school, and then you have work and with that, finances, juggling, all of that, trying to pay every all of the bills on your own. Um, and then to try to just keep some something for yourself, like to have just some peace for yourself, moments for yourself, do the self-care and um, you know, uh, yeah, just you know, just be a human being, have social time, date if you want to. It's just a lot um to carry every single day on your own. And I I normally have like an anxious kind of just personality. I've always been like that. But once I became a mom and then a single mom, it like exacerbated, and I was like just I'm constantly like thinking of like, okay, I have to do this, and then after that, this and then this and this and that. Um and people, I want to say a particular group of people, particularly like older women, like no, no, yeah, like baby boomer age, maybe they're past the child rearing stage. Like, why don't you just relax? It's all gonna work out, like everything is gonna be fine. I'm like, I I I have a spiritual higher power. I I know myself, I'll handle it and take care of it. Everything will be fine, but like I have a lot on my plate. Like, stop telling me to relax. If you see that I'm overwhelmed or I need a break, why don't you offer me some help? Come over and help me clean, clean my house or help me clean or take my child for the day. This is when he was younger. Like, you know, help help me if you think I'm I look overwhelmed, I need to relax. But just telling me that doesn't do anything, makes me even more aggravated. I think with most people it's like that. So that's kind of where the name of the podcast came from. I and I feel like as mothers, single mothers especially, uh, that's something I know that resonates with us. Like that, just being told that it's kind of like an erc, you know? Um and I s and I started the podcast just because, gosh, for several reasons. Um, I have a friend, his name is Brian Ford. He is the host of a podcast called Self-Improvement Daily. I'm sure he would be fine with me mentioning it. Um, it's they're like quick five-minute little snippets, um, like self-uh improvement every day. They draw, usually drop in the morning. Um, and he is always was always like, you need to do something for yourself, something that you can kind of be creative and and um it's not a job, so there's like no guidelines or restrictions, and just really start trying other things outside of like what you have to do every day. Have something for yourself. Um, and he suggested a podcast. Um, he thought it would mesh well with my personality. Um, and I wasn't convinced. And then I don't know, one day I was just like looking for podcasts that um were for single moms specifically, but I was just looking through like parent podcasts, and there are a lot of really great like podcasts for moms and about motherhood, but um not a lot specifically for single mothers. And some of the parenting or mom podcasts are kind of I feel like they're geared towards like that typical like suburban um mom who even if she works, like it's just more of a there's not as much on a plate. Maybe she has a spouse or a partner, or there's a substantial amount of money in her bank account where she doesn't have the same kind of draining financial stressors or whatever, you know, it just wasn't like real. Like, like not that their experiences aren't real, but like I know so many of us are like experiencing something uh as single parents that others, other moms who are of a different circumstance don't experience, and it's it's not out there. So I wanted to create that platform uh for women to share their stories and talk about their lives and um, you know, just tell their stories and and other women can hear them and relate to them. Um, so that's really where um the creation of the podcast came from. And the first few that I did, I interviewed people that I that I know already. Um and then it's just kind of spread, and now I've met women from all over the world and spoken to them. So it's been pretty amazing.

SPEAKER_01 8:00

Yeah, and I love that it's it's about single moms, and this is another reason why I have you on here. I I just had an interview with another single mom. And the idea is that we're all different, like we we're still juggling like a lot, but I don't like when people put us in a box, and this is like the single mom. One thing you can say about the single mom, we are hustling 24-7. 24-7, yep. You know, and we're not taking away from like you know, the moms that are moms with another partner, and um, we're not taking that away from them, but it it's hard, you know, just being on your own with that. Um, so I love the podcast. I love the name of the podcast because that is so true. And I love that you said, stop telling me to relax. You want to help me? You want to, you know, do the lawn. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Yeah. Come over and help me. Or like, you know, especially when I was little, like watch my child for a day just so I could take a nap, you know, without having to, you know, or whatever, like um, offer me some help or guidance or something. Don't just criticize what I'm not doing right. That doesn't help at all, you know. Um, so yeah. And and like you said,

Stigma And The Nonstop Daily Load

SPEAKER_00 9:20

uh single moms kind of are all put in this box, but um everybody even as single moms, we all have a different circumstance. Like some women are widows, and I cannot even imagine like losing my husband and then having to move forward through this without him. I mean, it it it's it's just heartbreaking to think that so many women have had to go through that circumstance and experience these struggles like as a single mom, not because the relationship failed, because your husband died. Like, I just I can't even imagine how heartbreaking that is. The strength it takes to keep going. Maybe they're they were a teen mom. Uh, maybe they like me, it was kind of like a whoops in 24, whoops in pregnancy. Like I was in Las Vegas when I got pregnant, and we went to Vegas and just started dating my son's dad and you know, came back pregnant. And so it's like everybody has kind of a different circumstance, you know. Um, and it's important that we're not all like stuck in one box. Um, and there's so much, I feel like, social stigma and shame put on single parents. I I feel like uh we like we live in this world that is set up for like two partnership system financially, socially, emotionally, like um, and we are not that. We're just one person in our house trying to, you know, thrive through the world. And so there's a lot of setbacks I feel single parents experience because we're we don't have that uh partner to do life with. Um, and you're kind of looked down upon, and it's like, well, how how's that fair? You know, the the stigma or the shame that's put on single parents, specifically single moms, you know, is is unfair.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

So yeah. Um, I love the part where you said that, you know, we're kind of set up. We're not set up in a situation where there's we we don't have another person and jobs and society is set up for those two people.

SPEAKER_00 11:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

And I would say, and I'm curious what you think about this because like, you know, I'm literally running out the door every day to go to work because it's like so much. And sometimes I'm late, and not to say that that's that's okay to do, but it this is not because I overslept. Right. This is not because I'm sitting home with watching a show or I went out last night and I'm tired and I'm hungover. No, this is I wake up early in the morning, and yet that's how many things I'm I'm trying to crunch in that two-hour block before I go to work because I know when I get home there's more shit to do.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Right. Yeah. It's like nonstop, you know, sometime you wake up in the morning. Um, you know, for me, same thing. Like getting my child, get getting myself up, ready in the morning to go, go to work, and then getting my child up, ready to go to work or go to school and just be ready for the day. Like he's a teenager, he never wants to get up. I feel like I spend an hour and a half yelling at him to get get out of bed, get in the shower, like every single day. It's a drainy and exhausting. Um, and then I'm supposed to like do that for an hour and a half and go to work and just be like focused on work, you know. It's like impossible. My mind is already fried when I get there at like 8 45. You know? It's so hard. And sometimes I'm like, God, I wish I had a a dad here to be like, get, you know, because especially well, any child, but boys, like they react to their to men differently. And I wish, you know, there was some steady like figure in the home with him to kind of get him going in the morning. But it is just me and it's it's a struggle, you know. Um, and financially it's a struggle. I I have had times I've worked like two, three jobs. Right now, I don't want to do that because it it really drains my mental health and I want to enjoy my weekends, but that comes at a cost of like having a little bit of financial struggle, not having extra income, you know, um, or not being able to cover things. And it it's hard, you know. Um, it's just a hard there's no grace for us as far as like financial will pay. Like you gotta pay and you gotta figure it out, and it sucks.

SPEAKER_01 13:40

Yeah. We'll talk a little bit more about that, but girl, you just talking about your son. I feel seen. I feel seen, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 13:48

That's that's one thing I've learned as my son has become a teenager. I for so long, or for first few years, like 12, maybe between to like 14 or 13, 14, I was like, I think something's wrong with him. I'd always tell my mom, like, I think something's wrong with him. Like, he eats so much, uh, he sleeps all the time. Like, I, you know, and she's like, Veronica, that's just a teenager, especially a boy. Like they, you know, they're just they're teenagers, and that's just I maybe I've I I I was I don't know how what kind of teenager I was, but I wasn't like my son. I don't know. It's just it's like that's how they are, you know, like nothing's wrong with them. But I think it's good to connect with other moms of teenagers because you you like you're reconnecting on this, and it's like you see it's not abnormal, some of the things your children are doing.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

Um yeah, yeah. I mean, not seriously, I thought the same thing. Something maybe she needs to see a therapist or something's not right. Is this how it's supposed to be? Like every damn day. So let's just talk about some of the things that you've experienced. Because of course, everyone is different, everyone has a different experience with

Chaos Stories From Newborn To Teen

SPEAKER_01 15:00

this. So I'm curious, like, what has been your most like chaotic moment you've had as a single mom where you think you're back and you're like, damn, that was some crazy shit.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Um, so many. So many. I think I can narrow probably narrow it down to two. So the first would be um when my son was a newborn when he was after I had him, um, I was all by myself in this little tiny one-bedroom apartment. My mom stayed with me for about a week and a half, and then she had to go back to work, and so she couldn't be there all the time. And so I was by myself doing like all of the newborn stuff solo. And I remember one time I was sitting on my bed with my son. Um, my legs were like up and he was like on top of my legs. I can't explain it, but like I was kind of like not bouncing him because he's a newborn, but he was just like propped up there, and all of a sudden I feel this like major wetness like on the side of my leg. And I look over and it's just this massive amount of like green and yellow mixed together, like poop or diarrhea. And I'm like, what do I do? That was his first probably like major blow. He's maybe like two or three weeks old. So this is the first time he'd ever had like a big, big, big blow up. Um, and I was by myself, you know, nobody was there with me. Like, I'm like, how do I get, how do I move from this position without the poop getting all over the bed? There's nobody to be like, hey, take the baby, bring me a towel, like nothing. I don't even remember what I did, but I mean, it was everywhere, all over the bed, all over my legs. Uh, it was just disgusting. And I remember at that moment thinking, that was like probably one of the first moments I was like, boy, I wish it would be it would be nice to have like a partner here when these blowouts kind of happen. I can like have somebody to call to help clean it up or just help help me get me cleaned up, get the baby cleaned up. But it was like me kind of doing all of, you know, trying to get figure out that situation and clean it up all on my own. That was the first kind of like chaotic moment I remember. Um for me, it's in general kind of just managing everything. Like I have days where I feel like a total I'm totally failing my child because I can't, I personally can't provide him everything that he needs. It's not a one-person job, it's a two-person job. I mean, and then his dad is in the picture, but like I'm the main prior priority parent. And um there have been so many times where like I've wanted to get my son something he really wanted for his birthday, or he wanted something, and I'm like, I can't get it because it's gonna be like that, or the electricity bill, and obviously we have to have electricity, and I just hate kids don't need everything they want, but it's like I just hate being put in that kind of position where I have to like deny something that he deserves and should get something fun, but I have to prioritize something else because there's just nobody else to help with finances. Those moments feel chaotic to me just because I think related to my anxiety, it feels like I'm failing, you're not good enough, your child's gonna be harmed forever. Like my brain starts spinning. Right.

SPEAKER_01 18:14

Yeah, no, absolutely. I you know, I keep forgetting that you had you were the you were a single mom with the baby, you know. I was the single mom with the three-year-old. Obviously, you know, there's a big difference with the newborn. I can't even imagine how you you handled that. It was very difficult. Yeah. I can't, yeah. It's gotta be diff difficult to have a newborn on your own. Um, what's your like, I cannot believe this is my life moment? I mean, I think I feel like that all the time. Like, there's times where like, I didn't this is not what I imagined this to be, you know. But if you can like pinpoint some moments with and maybe you've already said a couple of them where you're just like, damn, this is my life.

SPEAKER_00 19:03

Yeah, yeah. Um so I think I could say a

Money Fear And Being Judged

SPEAKER_00 19:11

couple of things. First would be years ago, um, I don't I would when my son was younger, I was in graduate school. This must have been maybe been after I graduated. I but it he was like five, four, six, like that age range. Um, and I couldn't pay my rent and I got an eviction notice, and I was sitting on my couch, just like bawling, crying. Like, what am I going to do? Like, I I could have never imagined ever in my life I would be at a point where like I'm facing like getting evicted. One, not having the money to pay, just even pay the rent, but two, like now I'm facing eviction. What am I gonna do? Luckily, I had like a family friend be able to give me the money. Um, it's so gracious, like, you know, um, like an uncle type figure gave me the money. Um, so that, you know, was great. But like just I never ever thought with a child as a mom, I'd be in this position where I'm like facing like, what am I gonna do? Where are we gonna live? How is this gonna work? You know, and having to like ask people for like large amounts of money, you know, thousands to you know and get eviction notices so you're like really behind. Um, or mean I don't know the loss, but like, you know, it's it's a bad situation. Um and it, you know, like I said, there's just a lot of shame in that. And like, how could I have let this happen? Like I um in and growing up in my life, like, I mean, as far as I know, we never got we didn't get eviction notices. Both my parents had good full-time jobs, we had everything we needed, you know, uh, and more. I mean, it was a great childhood for the most part. And so it's like, how does this happen? Like, how did I get here? You know? It led me down to this the cycle of like, why did I, why would I even choose to date this person that's his son's dad? Um, because all the red flags were there. I just ignored them. Um, but and I give myself grace because I was very young. But um, it's like, how how could I put myself in the position to even like, even if I'm not gonna be with the person I have a child with, to have a child with somebody that doesn't give a shit. They don't care, you know? It's very hard to like accept that they don't care and they're only he's only gonna always make himself the first priority. Um, so that was one, that's definitely one. Uh the other would probably be when Evan was in kindergarten, um, I was working two waitressing jobs and I was getting my master's at that time. And um one of the other moms in Evan's class, she was really cool. She was like a little bit older than I was. She had um like older kids and then she got uh remarried. And then had a set of twins that were in my son's class. And she used to be a single mom. And so with her older kids. And so I really bonded with her. We'd always kind of chit-chat at drop-off and stuff. And um she told me one time that some of the other moms were talking about me, saying, like, oh, I can never volunteer. I'm never there to volunteer in the classroom. And she stood up for me and said, like, she's a single mom, you know, she has to work. She has lots of things going on. She can't be here all the time, like some of us other moms who don't work. Um, and I wasn't like sad when I heard that. I was more like, fuck you, bitch. Like, that was my mentality. But I was also like, I cannot believe like I'm in this mom-shaming type of environment. Like you would always hear about that kind of stuff, but then, you know, your child starts, and I'd always thought, like, oh, all the moms get along, or like everything's great, or like, I mean, I don't even really talk to the moms. I draw my son off and I'm out, you know, like but like I just never thought that that culture kind of existed. And then that happened to me, and I was like, oh wow, like, you know, I don't know. It's just interesting, you know. That was kind of like, whoa, I'm like really in this like suburban mom cycle of like who's the best mom, you know, in the class and who can be here the most. And I'm like, I think all that is BS, but it's just like very um eye-opening to like be in it. You're like, whoa, okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:25

Yeah. And I think there's different levels to it too, because I remember even being married and being a working mom and not being part of the groups that were the at-home moms. Oh, you work, and we only do events during the time you work. What about the events? I'm like, where's the working moms? You know, so there was shame with that, and I was like outcasted. And then now it's like now you're the single mom. And now you're not part of that other mom when it's they're like, oh, yeah, so Jared came home late last night. Right. Yeah. I ain't got no Jared. I mean Jared. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:00

It's me by myself on the couch at night. Nobody's even coming home late. There's like nobody.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

No. And it's crazy because you do think, hey, you know, we are all we're all moms here. And it really pisses me off because, you know, especially when you were talking about like, you know, you're not, we're not taking away the stress of being a mom, hands down, very stressful. But then compound that with being a single mom. We ain't the same. And, you know, sometimes it's not. And sometimes I hear, oh, well, yeah, I I, you know, it it I'm a mom too. I'm like, girl, no, it's it's different. But then when you have your groups, then I'm definitely different. And I don't want to, you don't want me to be a part of that. So it's crazy how that is, even with the mom groups, that not for nothing can be toxic. Very, very, yeah, very toxic.

SPEAKER_00 24:54

I actually did an episode my podcast about that. Oh, okay. Yeah. That was good. That was good. I was a little nervous because I'm like, this is my opinion. I don't know if it makes that resonate with me, but I think this is really silly. And as a single mom, like, we don't even have, we're not even invited to the mom group. So I don't care. I was invested.

SPEAKER_01 25:14

I was like, holy shit. I was listening. I'm like, holy shit, that happened. And then I looked it up and I'm like, damn. So Veronica had an episode about the celebrity mom groups and even the shit that goes down with the celebrity mom groups and you know, casting people out. And I was just like, that was some good stuff. So yeah, that was a good one.

SPEAKER_00 25:35

Yeah, no, it's just so funny. Like, you know, a lot uh I know some of my mom moms in that specific mom group I'm talking about, and I'm sure people who are listening like know what group I'm talking about because it was a big story. Um, like they work, I guess. You know, they're working moms, they have their actress jobs and their singing jobs, but like they still come from a very uh a lot of privilege, and I'm sure maybe they have nannies and just help. And it's a different type of lifestyle, different type of motherhood than what a middle class, lower class single mom or mom in general just experiences. Um, and I think they have more time to maybe do those kinds of get-togethers and and hanging out and mom's night, mom, mom wine night in our pajamas, like, you know, because they post pictures about that kind of stuff. And like, it's like we I don't I don't have time for that. Like some I'm working two jobs, three jobs, I'm like barely hanging on by a thread. I have to sit and do homework with my son all night. Like, I don't have I just don't have time for that. You know, it's just not something that I would prioritize necessarily. Um and um so if I if I'm not invited, I just don't care. I don't know. And we and we can't do it. Yeah, no one can't. The resources, like I can't have a a girl's night out. Well, I can now. My son's older. I just I do I it's such a blessing when they get older, you can kind of just leave him at home and go do what you want to do. But um, when he was little, there's nobody to watch my son, so I can have a girl's night out. There's no husband at home, so I can have a night. Like, I don't get to do stuff like that, like you know, so it's like um is is yeah, single motherhood versus married motherhood is very different. Very different depending on how much money you have, too. It's very different.

SPEAKER_01 27:20

Yeah. And I also wanted to say, like, you know, I think about your experiences, you being truly on your own. Um, and then I think about mine with, you know, her dad is in the picture and he does. It is a 50-50 situation. But that's why I didn't do anything because when I had her, I had her. There's no way I was gonna go out on the times that I had her with me because I missed her so much. And then it was tough even when I didn't have her because all I did was sulk, because I didn't have her, especially when she was young. So, you know, going out wasn't in in the cards, or I was doing the shit that I like I am doing now, like I'm doing all my podcasting and doing my side hustles when I don't have her. So then where's that fun time? It's not non-existent.

Dating As A Single Mom Reality

SPEAKER_01 28:14

Yeah. Um, so let's talk about dating, Veronica.

SPEAKER_00 28:19

It's just my least favorite topic to talk about, but it's also very, very uh like relevant in my life. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 28:26

How did you make the decision of, or did you, or you're like, you know what? I'm gonna see what's out there and and what did that look like for you?

SPEAKER_00 28:35

Yeah. So when I became a single mom, or when I became a mom, I I thought that dating would be very easy initially. I thought, um, you know, you see your stories about like, oh, I went through this awful divorce, and then two years later I met the love of my life and embraced my children, and we're all this happy, blended family. We've had three more kids. You know, I get to stay home all day and be in the garden while he's working, and it's just this happy situation. So it's like, I'll meet somebody, like, whatever, like F this other Evan's dad, like whatever. Like, I don't, I didn't want him. I didn't want him anyway, so so it's like, I'll meet somebody else. Like it's, you know, it'll be fine. And it'll just be a few years. I'll whatever. Do fine. Um, it was not that experience. I didn't realize, well, one, when I had my son, I was 24, which is not young, like it's not 16 and pregnant, but it you're not like older yet. And a lot of people, most people my age were still were not in that phase of life. They weren't having children, they weren't married. Uh I just graduated college, and a lot of my friends and people that I knew, like they wanted to travel, they wanted to move to big cities and move to New York, uh, live in LA, like, you know, just um live their lives as a 20-something. Um, and um, you know, especially like men, like it's you know, dating as a 24, 25 year old, like meet you're meeting somebody, and it was always such a like a dreaded, not dreaded, never not gonna be proud to be a mom of my son, but like telling somebody I had a child at that point in my life, like if I were interested in each other, I always said it very early on, but it's just like, okay, I'm gonna tell him like how you know, you can tell in their facial expressions how they're gonna take it. And, you know, a lot of them just at that age, they like don't want to be stepdad and they don't want it the they don't want the uh a partner or girlfriend or whatever that has um a baby because I don't know if this is necessarily true, but I've read this somewhere that like in dating men want to be the woman's priority. Like they want to be like, I don't know, I don't feel like that's true. I feel like it's kind of maybe a very archaic thing, but like they don't want a lot standing in the way of when they want you you to spend time with them or something. I don't know. I don't think that's true, but I guess I don't know. So they just um, you know, that was always kind of a big big deal breaker and hard for me to schedule time to spend with somebody and go out to dinner, go out on dates and blah blah blah. So it wasn't very successful. Um, and then, you know, the dating apps kind of like revved up like socially, like it started to become really popular. And so um tried, you know, put myself on dating apps and met some really awful men. Met some men that were okay. Um uh it nothing but nothing ever hit, nothing ever lasted long term. It was kind of like always like that introductory period, um two, three months, and then it like would fade off just because it just we weren't a match, or just it just wasn't nothing was really clicking. Um, and I got to a point too for a while, well, well, I'll just I can just say it like I was like almost like desperate. Like I was allowing, and I'm not that I have this extensive dating history, but like maybe two two men that I kind of started seeing casually at different points, like I would um just allow them to treat me horribly because I want to say that I have somebody or I want to have that kind of connection. Um and really thinking just really poorly of myself. Like as I started to enter my 30s, a lot of my friends were getting married and they were having these big extravagant weddings and they were doing all those kinds of things, and I'm like, I've never that's not been my experience. Like, why isn't that been my experience? Like just thinking really poorly of me. I don't deserve that kind of big fabulous wedding with a great man, or I don't, you know, just I started to think really poorly of myself in rel in relation to dating and like just really accepting things that were not acceptable, care uh spending time, you know, being around m not just men, but just like friends in general that would just treat me really poorly and were very disrespectful. Um and thinking that that was okay because, well, like you are this single mom, so uh like this the pickings are gonna be slim or whatever, I don't, you know, whatever that saying is, like just kind of take what you can get. Um and you know, after I kind of got out of that, I've been in a phase now for a while, for like seven or eight years, where I'm like, yeah, not dating. Like, I just don't have any interest in it. I just um I mean I would love to have a somebody. Um, I'm not against it, like if the right person or right situation comes along, but I'm not gonna uh seek it out. Um I'm not going to I just I don't know. I just there's just a lot of things that I I can focus on other than trying to date somebody. Like I obviously have a child. Um I have a uh I I want my career to get to a particular place. I feel like it's not where I want to be. So I'm gonna focus on that, um, starting the podcast and then just focusing on focusing my time on the people that uh show that they want me around. Instead of like looking for somebody that looking for someone or chasing after someone, I guess, um to get them to want me around. Like I have great friends, I have great girlfriends, I have family members, I have um most importantly, I have myself. So if nobody wants to hang out with me, I can spend time with myself doing things. Um, and it's just I just want to focus on on those things right now. And and I, like I said, I've had bad experiences dating um in my 20s and like part of my 30s. And I feel now I have to be like very selective on who I give my energy to in that kind of space, friendship or dating or whatever, socially, um, making sure that they are gonna be respect me and um are just a decent, you know, human being. Um so I just tread that very carefully nowadays. And um I hope one day like I meet like love in my life and it sparks and all of that, but I kind of feel like that's that's kind of like a fallacy. Like I don't know where that that picture like where that like idea got started. Maybe it was a Disney movies or something, but like I don't know. I you know, I don't know. I don't and we'll we'll see about dating. I'm sure maybe somebody will come along one day, but it's just not my focus right now.

SPEAKER_01 35:35

You know, I find it interesting that um that there's obviously a difference in even at what point you become a single mother. So, like for you, you know, you being in your 20s, I didn't even like when you're telling me this story, I was like, oh, that wasn't my experience. Because you were in your 20s, and what you're thinking, what 20-year-old guy is gonna want to have some woman that has a kid? Like he's not ready, he ain't ready to settle down. You know, he's looking to have fun, enjoy his life with his his girlfriend, you know, have girlfriend nights and dating nights. Whereas for me, I was a single mom in my 40s, and I was like, I got I got a kid, so if you're not you don't want this, all right. Right. Yeah. So and and then, you know, with my situation, a lot of people are like assumed that I would have been a single mom in my 40s. Isn't that terrible? Really? That yeah. Well, because they kind of sought out, I wouldn't say they sought it out, but there was like this whole at the time, there was this whole thing of, oh, she's a single mom. Oh, she's already been married, so she's not looking for a commitment. Okay, and she's looking to have fun. And that's what I was like, wait a minute, no. So but it's interesting because you know, I never thought that even in a generational perspective, that your experience experiences are so different with being a single mother. Um, like I can't imagine, like, even like you know, you mentioned 16 and being pregnant. Like, imagine, like everyone's like college. Yeah, you know, you're you're a kid, you're 18, 19, you have a child, and everybody is in college. Most of them, not everybody, but most of them. Yeah. How is dating gonna look like? You know, that's gotta be so difficult.

SPEAKER_00 37:32

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was it would that that piece of it was hard that that age. Um, and you feel internally like I want to travel, I want to do all these things. Like you want, like that's what kind of what you're supposed to be doing at that age, you know, is like yeah, exploring the world. Like you went to college for those four or five years, and I'm I'm grateful I had that experience in college. Um, it was very like I made lifelong friends and I kind of did the college things. It wasn't like a huge partier, but like just had that time of 18 to like 22, you know, 23, whatever. Um and then, you know, and that that made motherhood hard for me too, but it was very isolating because none of my friends were in that lifestyle. Not only was it fine hard to find somebody to date, but then like nobody's like everybody's in that phase where they're doing their own thing and traveling and like what you know, whatever. So it's like I'd have a lot of nights or days. I'm just like home alone with my baby, like all my friends are busy doing their things, and I'm just here by myself, and you start to, and that's when social media really got popular. So you'd see on Facebook, you know, people out doing stuff, you're not invited, or you can't even go if you were, you know, and it sucks. It's hard, you know. You start to feel like, why did, you know, why did I how could this have happened, or how could I have gotten pregnant and now I can't, you know, just kind of do the 25-year-old things everybody else is doing. Um, but you know, it is what it is.

SPEAKER_01 38:57

So it is, it is, it is, and you know, it it it is what it is

Budgeting Gymnastics With PG&E

SPEAKER_01 39:03

for sure. So the last question I wanted to ask you was because you were talking a little bit about the finance, and I mean the hustle's unreal. The hustle's unreal. Um, so what is the wildest like budgeting gymnastics did you have to do? Like I always say I'm stealing from John to give to Mary.

SPEAKER_00 39:25

And it's like yeah. I think the wildest gymnastics things that I gymn financially financial gymnastics thing that I have to do, and I still do it, and I hope this isn't illegal. I don't was with uh with some of my bills, but like it's particularly my electricity bill. In California, there's a few different p electricity and gas companies based on where you live. Where I'm at now in the Central Valley and in Northern California, um, there is Pacific Gas and Electric PG ⁇ E and the rates are insane. Um it it's it I could go on and I'm I was almost I think I'm gonna do an episode about bill paying and Pacific Gas and Electric because I've had my words with them um because I feel what they're doing is completely unethical and in that's a whole nother thing. But um what I'll do, this is horrible, what I do is like I only pay it probably every three months because they give you like grace periods and times, they won't just shut you off. So I'm like, okay, well, I I know when they're gonna get near when they're gonna get uh near to the point of like, oh, we're gonna shut you off. So like then I just pay like a small minimum of the past due, wait another three months, do that again. Like, and part of that is yeah, financially budgeting my money and um PGE in the summertime. I mean, here in the valley, it gets so hot in the summer, 110 for like four months straight. It's ridiculously hot. Um, and they charge crazy rates for the to run your electricity, to run your air conditioner. Um, and you have to keep it on all day or else your house is gonna burn up. Um, and it's really expensive. So my bill in the summertime is like $500, $600 every month. Um, and I like I said, it's I can't afford a $600 electricity bill every month, but also it's like you guys try to use outrageous amounts. I'm not bidding over backwards to pay you every month. I know you're gonna keep me on if I still pay when I can every three months. So that's what I'm gonna do. Um, so yeah, I don't think you're alone on that. I really don't. I yeah. You have to just like play their game, you know, or like learn how to outsmart them because if you can't just it's not necessary for their electricity to be that high, or like I'm not gonna be able to pay every bill on time every single month. So figure out a way to make it work, you know.

SPEAKER_01 41:55

So as far as uh budgeting, um you said you're gonna do an episode of that, so that would that would be interesting to to listen to that. Um, what about just even managing because you have a teenager and you know, you have a job, you have the podcasting. Like someone, someone might on the outside might look and say, Well, you got a job. You got you're doing the podcasting, that's a lot. And then you have a teenager. Like, how do you navigate through all of that?

Boundaries Help And Mental Reset

SPEAKER_00 42:31

The biggest thing, especially when they're little, is asking for help from the people that you trust. It's hard to ask for me to ask for help. I know it is for a lot of women, because there's this idea that we should be able to do it all and handle it all and still look perfect every day and have everything under control. But um, like if I'm lucky that I had my mom and her husband and other people in my family to to help when I needed it, just to come get him today because I am gonna lose it and I just need to be alone in the quiet, you know? Um so there's that, like ask for help when you if if you're lucky enough to have it. Not everybody has, you know, family members or people around them that can help, but if you do have it, don't be ashamed to ask for help. Um, the other thing I would say is um don't be afraid to tell your children in a way that's age appropriate for their age that you need a break. Like you're you have to show your children that you're a human being. And just like they get overwhelmed and need to go sit in their room for five minutes to decompress and regulate themselves again. We need that too, as as mothers. We're you, you know, I think it's important you have to show your child that I'm still a human being. I may be your mom, but like I cry, I get tired, I get overwhelmed, I get angry. Um, and show them explain to them, um, and explain to them what you need them to do. I need you to. Sit in the living room and watch TV and be quiet for the next 45 minutes or whatever, so that I can go in my room and rest or whatever, you know. It has to be age appropriate what you're saying and what you're asking them to do. But that's very important, I think, is like communicating that to your child because they're as a single parent, there's nobody else in the house that knows you that can see you're being you're overwhelmed and get the kids out of your way, you know.

SPEAKER_01 44:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 44:26

So talk just just talking to them. And I think that really helps um build uh the bond with your child when you're just like honest and say like they they can see you're human and um give you that grace and that respect to to do what you need to do. I also think remembering um, you know, with children, obviously there's different stages, there's different phases. Like I said, now that my son's older, I can just go do some things sometimes and leave him at home alone and he's safe and fine. He can make himself food and he's fine here, you know, by alone. He's 15. Um, it's not something you can do with a three-year-old, you know. So just remembering like things won't always be the way that they are, and trying to enjoy where they're at in the moment is very important. Um, because some days I'm like, I would give anything to go back to him being three years old for a week, you know, for a week. Like I miss that phase so much. Um because there were things that were easier then, things that are harder now, you know. So just like enjoying the moment that I'm in. Um and then also, um, I don't know, like for me, there there are times, especially at night, and I come home from work, like I put my phone away, like off away, and I will like have the lights low in my room and read or just watch my shows. Like, I just totally check out of like the world. Um you know, I I've taken care of the responsibilities for the day, and that's it. Like, I'm I'm done. The phone's going off. It's going out of because if I see my phone, then I want to pick it up. So it has to be like in a whole nother room, like away from me, um, just to have get just so my space, my head can like just be clear. Also, um just not being afraid to try new things. I had no idea how to do a podcast. Like, I literally Googled it, um, asked my friends like Brian and and um like what platforms do I use? What do I do? Like, I have no idea, but learning learning how to do the podcast and like doing the episodes and getting better at things with the podcast, like I feel such a sense of accomplishment for myself. This isn't about anybody else but me and learning how to do something new and meeting new people.

SPEAKER_01 46:46

Yeah, no, that's definitely very important, you know, being able to decompress and yeah, having a podcast, it feels good. You should be proud of yourself, you know. Well, thank you, Veronica. This was amazing. Um you touched upon a lot of different topics, and like I said, you know, it's so different, you know, just talking to another di uh single mom and her episode drops this week. Oh, okay. And it's like, you know, we still have this shared story, but yet there's a lot of differences.

Where To Find Veronica And Closing

SPEAKER_00 47:18

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:18

Um, so where can we find you? Where can we find the podcast?

SPEAKER_00 47:23

Yeah. So um the podcast, um, like we've said, it's it's titled Stop Telling Me to Relax for single moms that don't have time to chill. Um, you can just kind of search Stop Stop Telling Me to Relax. Um, it is available on all platforms. So Apple, Podcast, Spotify, um, all of the platforms that stream podcasts, it is available there. I've also put majority of the episodes on YouTube. And then I have an Instagram account for the podcast. It's at Stop Telling Me to Relax. Uh, all kind of one word, no spaces, or anything like that. And same thing for TikTok. It's at Stop Telling Me to Relax. So if you want to listen to the podcast, you can listen that way. And if you want to connect with me, um, those are my social media platforms that I am on.

SPEAKER_01 48:13

Okay, and we'll have all those links in the show notes. But before you go, make sure to subscribe to this Mama's My Emergency Contact podcast wherever you listen to podcasts. We're in Apple, Spotify, and all major platforms. And if you'd rather watch the conversation, head over to our YouTube channel, just search Mama's My Emergency Contact and hit subscribe. And if you want bonus content behind the scenes notes and updates you won't always hear on the pod, come hang out with us on Substack after hours. Link is in the notes for you to subscribe to. If this episode hit you in the chest a little bit and maybe made you think about single moms, yes, good. Because single motherhood isn't a weakness. It's proof you can hold chaos and build structure at the same time. Because around here, we don't hide the chaos, we turn it into power. Bye, everyone.