Too Skinny, Too Curvy, Never Just Right

Our bodies have always seemed to be a topic of conversation, but should they be?

In this episode, we talk about growing up in a culture where comments about weight, appearance, and body changes are often seen as normal conversation, even when they leave a lasting impact.

From well-intentioned family remarks to the beauty standards reinforced within the Tamil community, we unpack how these messages shaped the way we viewed ourselves, and how we're working to redefine that relationship on our own terms.

Together, we explore the line between concern and commentary, reflecting on the words that stay with us, and asking what it would look like to create a healthier conversation around our bodies for the next generation.

Transcript

Aarthi 0:00

Hi everyone, welcome back to Akka's Unsolicited Advice. I'm your host, Artie, and we're here today with the eldest Akka, Poponi, to talk about something really important to us. So we're gonna talk about something almost all of us experienced growing up, but maybe didn't always have the language for our bodies. In many Dumble households, body image wasn't necessarily a conversation, it was commentary, casual remarks about being too skinny, too curvy, too developed, not developed enough. Clothing was discussed, modesty was monitored, and somehow our bodies became public property for relatives, aunties, and family friends to evaluate. Some of it was framed as concern, some of it as advice, some of it as protection, but all of it shaped how we saw ourselves. In this episode, we're unpacking what we learned about beauty, weight, and how cultural expectations intersected with Western beauty standards. We'll reflect on what those messages did to our confidence and how we're trying to break cycles without completely rejecting where we come from. This isn't about blaming our families, although that is fun. It's about understanding the impact and choosing something healthier moving forward. So let's get right into it. Akka, what messages did you receive growing up about your body, like directly versus indirectly?

Speaker 1 1:27

I don't think it actually started too young. And probably because I moved to the US very early on with just my mom, dad, and brother. So we didn't have like this huge community of relatives that lived with us. And my parents were pretty good about not really bringing up anything to do with, you know, physicality when I was relatively young. So as far as I can remember, I would say like for the first 10 years of my life, I don't really remember anything related to that. But my first, I don't know, my kind of first indication that I should be more conscious of, you know, what I look like or what I wear was when I moved from Maine. So I lived in Maine, which is an you know, pretty rural kind of community if you compare it to California, which is where I moved to. And I was in fifth grade, I was moving in the middle of the year, something that I would never do to my children, but you know, my parents did that, and we moved, and I thought I was incredibly fashionable and coordinated because I used to wear matching colored sweatsuits. You can imagine coming from Maine, that was a very common thing to wear. I came to California and I was not cool. I can tell you that. And everybody was wearing jeans, and that was the first time that my mom actually said something. She was like, Hey, maybe you want to try a pair of jeans so that you can kind of fit in with what everybody is looking like. And she probably fed off of something I said when I came home about feeling insecure or feeling not, you know, like looking like everybody else. I don't think she came up that on her own, but that was the first time that my mom has ever said something, and probably opened the floodgates because since then it has not stopped.

Speaker 3 3:41

Yeah, definitely the last time. Definitely not. So what has that did does that did that like devolve into something else? Like what like do you think it worsened like comments about your body, your feelings about your like internalized stuff about your body since then?

Speaker 1 4:00

Um I think maybe from uh a dressing sense, it wasn't actually super impactful. I just I remember that, and it was funny because my husband just talked about it last night. He was like, remember that time? And he was kind of making fun of me because to me that was a very distinctive moment that impacted my life in a way that kind of carried through. But for him, it seemed kind of silly that it was like a difference between wearing sweatpants and jeans. But to me, it was way bigger than that, and it's a very vivid memory in my life. I think after that, it really played into something else you talked about in the intro, which was modesty, because like I went from fifth grade then into middle school, then into high school, and the type of comments and feedback that my mom would give really centered around modesty. Like I didn't wear a sleeveless top until I was a senior in high school. Because, you know, parents controlled the shopping, the spending. So, you know, I would kind of align with what they wanted. And I just thought that that was fine. I didn't actually rebel against it because they they weren't so picky. They had, you know, you know, some lines, oh, that's too low, or like by the way, the too low comment still happens. I'm 40, gonna be 41 next month, and she still tells me that's too low to wear out.

Speaker 3 5:35

Well, yeah. No, I mean, your parents are way less bad than mine, but I feel like mine have like progressively gotten less worse. So, I mean, I was the kid who would wear a sweatshirt and sweatpants over my clothes in the middle of summer as I was leaving the house to go to school, like completely shamelessly. Like, there's no way those two thought that I was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants to school in 90 degree weather. But I would literally take shed my clothing in the car as I was driving to school. So, like, I could go to school in shorts because they wouldn't let me wear shorts or anything like that. So, modesty was like a huge aspect of it, but I do feel like they've changed. So this weekend we had like a photo shoot for Arun and Stanislava, and we had to wear dresses, and I brought two different dresses. Like, I brought like a little bit more conservative one because I thought that's the one that my parents would prefer, and I brought a second dress, and both my parents unanimously liked the like spaghetti strap dress more than the short sleeve one. And I was like, Who are you people? What have you done with my parents? Who like my dad makes the casual still makes the comment of like, did the tailor forget the rest of the material? That man chose the less conservative dress for me to wear this weekend. So I don't know what happened to them, but those were not the parents I was raised. Bye. But I also feel like it was modesty expectations were different based on like what your body looked like. Like I look like a pre-pubescent teenage boy, like that's how I'm built. So I feel like I get away in this family with a lot more things regarding my clothing than I feel like other people do.

Speaker 1 7:29

Yes, because I got babes. Yeah. Which, you know, and you know, quite honestly, like I was not one that was very interested in wearing revealing clothing, though when I look back on it, I feel like I could have been a little more adventurous. Like I was pretty blah. I was I've always been a very t-shirts, jeans, you know, it's doesn't say t-shirt, right? If you're looking at that video, but it's you know, so that's kind of always been my style. So I haven't conflicted with my parents a lot or growing up when it comes to clothing. I think it's been more on body itself. I think, you know, I and and it's also been more recent. Like I feel like throughout my childhood, I wasn't, you know, I wasn't very big. I was, you know, relatively I was slim for most of my life, you know, and through college and stuff. So I don't think my parents ever said anything. I think, you know, it was more extended family, and it was more the fact that I feel like Indian people, and you know, I don't want to generalize, but I think it's a pretty general trend, is that they cannot not say something about your body. Like it's like a conversation starter, like, oh my god, I haven't seen you in for so long. You've lost so much weight, you've gained so much weight. Oh, you're, you know, I don't know, something. You're air, did you cut your hair? I don't know. Like they they just have to say something about your appearance.

Speaker 3 9:11

Just saying, hey, you cut your hair and hey, you look fat are like way two different stratospheres of like commenting on your body.

Speaker 1 9:20

But not cutting, I know I made a sound, I simplified it, but it's not like cutting your hair. It's like cutting your hair, do you really think that looks good on you? Like it's that extra feedback, right? Like we have to have an opinion.

Speaker 3 9:34

Would you say unsolicited advice?

Speaker 1 9:37

Yes, 100%. And not like unsolicited, cool like we are, but unsolicited, unnecessary, rejected kind of.

Speaker 3 9:46

But I mean, do you feel like there's an ideal that exists? Because I feel like there isn't. I feel like everyone needs to talk about how skinny I am all the time. Like that's like the only thing that they feel the need to talk to me about. So I don't think that there exists a perfect body type in our community that someone's not gonna comment on.

Speaker 1 10:07

I think that's a really good point. I think it's the fact that they have to comment no matter what. And I think you're right. I I don't think there is, though, you know, if I had to say, I would say it's like some level of meatiness. This is gonna sound so bad. Some level of meatiness and curves, maybe the thumbnail community, but not too big. And definitely actually too skinny is I think something that's looked at as, you know, are you not eating enough? Are you doing this on purpose? Like, you know, why are you so skinny? But then that there's a fine line between, oh, maybe you have crossed it to oversized, you know.

Speaker 3 10:54

Well, that's what I'm saying. I just feel like commenting on a person that you've like you're meeting in a moment about something that they cannot change within the next like five minutes of your interaction is just something you don't need to comment on like at all.

Speaker 1 11:09

Like, what does that serve? That is like the perfect point. It's something that you can't change. I think people just when they make a statement about your body, they're assuming one that you love your body the way it is, you're not doing anything to change it if you don't love it, or you are, you know, unsuccessfully doing something. I don't know, like they just they put all these, there's so much assumptions behind that. So my mom used to, and you know, so after kids, you know, I I you know, my body changed, I got a lot more curvy and a lot more curvy, and then there's definitely times where no, your body accommodated to carrying two human beings into the world, the audacity. That's right, but it didn't go back like I was supposed to, but you know, and there were definitely times where I had put on an unhealthy amount of weight, like I didn't feel good, not just about the way I look, but I didn't feel good like health-wise. Like I wasn't able to do the things that I wanted to do, and there was a lot of other things going on. And my mom used to make this comment about how big my butt is. But that is the buttam but I couldn't be.

Speaker 3 12:29

I know, I know it's just our ancestral legacy. Why would we criticize it?

Speaker 1 12:35

I know, and the thing is, there's a little part of listen, if I give room, my butt's gonna grow because it's the family butt, you know?

Speaker 3 12:43

Yeah, well, I don't have the family butt. So everyone talks about your butt being big, and my mom talks about how I have no butt like my dad.

Speaker 1 12:50

So there's two butts in this family.

Speaker 3 12:52

Yeah, I got the no butt.

Speaker 1 12:54

There's the no butt, and then there's the wide hips, wide butt. Now, luckily, I'm not quite at that wide stage yet, but like my mom used to make this comment like as if I like wanted this huge butt. Like, I'm like, mom. And then her saying that wasn't motivational at all. I think she was trying to make it sound motivational, but it wasn't. And finally, and but I also don't think she understood how hurtful it was to me because I I did not really communicate that with her. Like, to be fair, I would just be annoyed and not say anything. And so finally I told my dad, who my dad never says anything. So I I I told my dad that, you know, mom saying this, like, I know she means well, or she's trying to motivate me to go to the gym or something, but you know, it's not helpful. You know, I'm I'm trying and it's just, you know, it is what it is. And so once he talked to her, she like never said it again. If anything, she's the opposite extreme now, and she's always like, Oh, you're looking so nice, you know. Oh, have you lost a little weight? Have you done this? You know, but like what caused that?

Speaker 3 14:05

Was that us standing up for ourselves that caused that? Because you know who never says anything about my body? The moms in this family, because they've gotten burned by saying it to me.

Speaker 1 14:20

Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think so. And I think you just, and but you need to communicate in a way, in our family at least, in a non-confrontational way. Like nobody does well with confrontation. So it's like, okay, how do you say this in a way that makes sense? Now, taking to the extended relative side, like unnecessary amount of relatives. I just I think there's like no stopping it, and it's just a matter of me feeling confident in myself and blocking it out because it's a waste of my time and breath for me to explain to them why they're being such a jerk.

Speaker 3 15:02

That's fair. But I feel like people I don't think it comes from like a complete like ignorance that it's a disrespectful thing to comment about. Like, I feel like people aren't that stupid. They know what they're saying has like a monicum of hurtfulness in it when they comment about your body in a negative tone, yeah.

Speaker 1 15:24

Especially the external family, like extended family, yeah, like relatives that don't matter. I think they're just trying to be an ass. Yeah. I think our family is not like I know I have definitely commented on you looking too skinny, but from a place of, are you eating? Because you look like you have lost 10 pounds in the last week. How's your stress level?

Speaker 3 15:48

Well, so that's like actually crazy. So obviously I lost like weight in residency. No one's doubting that. But I think a part of me, like during the fact that literally everybody would say something all the time to me about me looking really skinny, I got to a point where I'm like, I had a person that I worked with who was like really, really skinny and like definitely has some like disordered eating situation. So I would constantly sit there and be like, Am I that skinny? Do I look if do I look like that? And then I don't know, like it's actually this really funny story that you said to me once when we were really little, where we were at a jewelry store and you were putting like a gurusa or an anklet on my leg. Do you remember this?

unknown 16:32

No.

Speaker 3 16:32

It's a jewelry store, and I had my leg in your lap, and you grabbed my calves in your hand and said that you could feed a village with this. Yeah, I know. Body image.

Speaker 1 16:44

I don't remember that.

Speaker 3 16:46

And and you know, actually, that made me feel a lot better about myself because I was looking at my calves that day and I'm like, nah, man, still can feed a village with these calves. So I look okay and not that skinny. But I think like it made me question myself because I knew I was eating. Like I'm very well aware that I was eating, but I would like question myself and like, am I not eating enough? Like, do I have an eating problem? And I didn't, and I don't, but it really gets in your head.

Speaker 1 17:24

But I I don't think anybody thought you had like an eating disorder. I think it was more like, are you prioritizing your health given how incredibly busy you were? And I know you were under a lot of stress, you know, it wasn't just a regular residency, it was like the residency from hell kind of thing. So it was like a whole nother level. But I can see how that can be triggering, right? Like you do, like even when people are talking about me, like I have a lot of fluctuations in my weight. And so, like, they will say, Okay, you know, does it seem like you've been to the gym or like are you eating too much? And then you introspect that and you're like, How is that coming off? Right. So I I can see where concern needs to also be channeled appropriately and not, and also once you give an answer to take that at face value and not like keep harping on it, you know, because that for sure.

Speaker 3 18:31

I remember after that, because like everyone was like telling my mom that they were like really concerned about my eating, and she like I was home for a weekend, and she apparently was like secretly monitoring my food consumption while I was sitting at home. And afterwards, like after a day, she was like, You're kind of gross how much you eat. And her, she like dispelled her concerns after that. And I was like, Thank you, I think, for that assessment. Do you feel? I know this is kind of like going in a different direction. Do you feel like the boys in our family are subject to like the same level of scrutiny regarding their bodies?

Speaker 1 19:15

In some ways, yes, in some ways, no. So I don't think they have the same modesty card that we do.

Speaker 3 19:21

Yeah. I mean, I mean, my brother has yet to wear a full set of clothes.

Speaker 1 19:26

Yeah, I in our family in the underwear all the time, walking around like it doesn't matter. And trust me, if we walked around in our bra and underwear, it would like you know, it would just not be appropriate, right? Which is just it's sad, but that's just the standard. I do think that if the boys in our family were considered overweight, or by whatever standards that is, I think they would have said the same things. I think the boys in our family are not, they're actually quite fit, and if anything, they're all pretty athletic or skinny, so like they've never had that. But I I do think that you know it it's a little less serious because they're they always look at us girls growing up as we are going to be married, we are going to wear nice things and go to events, so there's always being pretty or you know, presentable is like a different standard, you know. Guys don't really have to do that. You know, if you find a girl, wow, that's A plus right there. Like any girl. The standards are very low. And then they can just, you know, nobody really cares what they wear to an event, how they look for an event. They don't even care if they come to the event. It's it's really only focused on the ladies. And and I think it's also because it's the ladies that are focused on us, it's the moms, the aunts, you know, they're the ones that are saying anything. I don't really see dads commenting very much.

Speaker 3 21:05

Don't worry, my dad will provide commentary enough for all the dads. But like, actually, in that same vein, do you feel like Western standards of like beauty also like affected this whole conversation regarding like body image with within our family?

Speaker 1 21:24

I actually think that at least in my case, my parents hold me to a less of a standard, like they're more accepting of what I look like than when I compare myself to Western standards. And I think that's the personal struggle that I have. I mean, my parents, and especially my husband, has never said anything about my body, no matter what size I am. They're they're very supportive. They're like, you know, if they feel like I've gained maybe Wait in an accelerated fashion. They'd be like, hey, is something going on? You know, like, you know, can we do help you with something? But they're never like, you know, you're ugly. I mean, they've never said you're ugly. They may say, like, hey, you look, you know, a little chunky. Maybe we need to fix that health-wise, but like, never like you look bad. But then I look at social media or like, you know, movies or like other women in the US that are the same age as me. And I'm like, how are they all hot? How do they all have flat stomachs? And why don't I have which I didn't realize was so common. But I think it's it's, you know, and I'm on like the tail, the the or I was on the very premature end of that, where social media was just becoming a thing as my body was, you know, changing. So it was very much like I had both a realistic perspective and then the social media perspective. My daughter's generation, it's intense. Like their exposure to beauty standards is so extreme. And I don't think they can parse it from reality in what is social media. And I think she is going to have a much harder time. And that makes me have to be more conscientious about how I feel about my body. The more negatively I comment about my body, she takes all of that in. So I have to be more like, okay, I'm okay with where I am. Doesn't mean I want to improve or I want to make changes, but it doesn't mean that I don't like my body.

Speaker 3 23:50

Yeah, but also like fit doesn't have to look a certain way. Like I may be skinny, but I cannot manage like three flights of stairs without like dry heaving at the top of the fourth flight of stairs. Like I have run to codes before and like been tripoding at the nurse's station before I could like do what I need to do. So I don't think I think that like there's like we grew up with an almond mom kind of generation. I mean, our parents were definitely not almond moms. My mom was like a why aren't you eating this three cups of like rice that I'm choosing to feed you at one time kind of mom? But I think that it was more about appearance and less about health, the narrative around our bodies when we were growing up. And I feel like it should be now more about like what are the good things you're putting in your body, and like how are you staying healthy and how are you staying fit, and not necessarily the size of your body. Because I really don't think that like skinny means fit, and I don't think that being chubby or chunkier makes you unfit.

Speaker 1 25:02

Yeah, I think I think that's a very good point because I am not fit.

Speaker 3 25:10

Listen, I like recently started going to Pilates classes to pull my stuff together, so yeah.

Speaker 1 25:17

I was just going to walk with Kevin yesterday, and I was telling him how I can now hold a plank for a minute and 15 seconds, and three rounds of that, though by the last one I'm like just wanting to keel over. But I used to not be able to hold for 20 seconds, and I was like, see, babe, I got abs just like you can't see them. And he was like, Babe, you got abs. You know, don't worry about the layer on top. Nobody cares about that. It's just about the fact that you can hold that plank. Yeah, that's crazy.

Speaker 25:50

I was like, God, I love you, but I like to get rid of this layer.

Speaker 3 25:55

I mean, like, everyone's personal goals are everyone's personal goals, it just doesn't really associate. You're not supposed to associate what you look like to yourself worth, and that's I think the most important thing.

Speaker 1 26:04

Yeah, but trust me, that is an easy distinction to make.

Speaker 3 26:09

Yeah, yeah. Does it do you feel? I mean, you're obviously everyone's not like completely healed from everything, obviously, but like how do you feel like you've begun this like journey to like heal from like what you thought about yourself before and like how you think about yourself now?

Speaker 1 26:30

I think it's a very recent phenomenon, like in terms of making that mind shift change that you talked about, where it's about more like being fit than necessarily skinny or like having a certain body type or hitting a certain weight goal. I do think that you just you you can't be overweight. There's a lot of reasons you can't be overweight. As and then I'm getting older, right? And so there is also a lot of health implications in that like extra weight around your belly is not good for your knees, it's not good for you know, blubber. I don't know. I mean, you're the doctor, but there's there's a lot of reasons why you should lose weight, you should eat healthier, and you should lift weights. I mean, there's so many things in there, but doesn't mean you're a size zero. Like, you know, so so that I think that there's like a balance there. And I and I think my parents are, I mean, like I said, I don't think they were very traumatizing to begin with. So I don't think that I've had a lot of healing to do in terms of you know my family. It's just more of me myself and how I view myself. So, and if anything, I think my parents have turned to be really, really supportive over it. So they're not body shamers by any means, they're clothing shamers big time. They always have an opinion on what I'm wearing.

Speaker 3 27:56

I know, and how do we respond to them when we say when they say not nice things about the clothes that you wear?

Speaker 1 28:02

I go change.

Speaker 3 28:04

Okay, and how should you actually respond to them when you wear things that you like because you are an adult and you looked at yourself in the mirror before you walked out of the room because you thought you looked cute when you walked out of the room and therefore you still look cute, even when they say not that nice things about your outfit when you come out of the room? What is a better way to navigate that situation, person who is 40 years old?

Speaker 1 28:26

Yeah, I should take their opinion into consideration, but still do what I want to do and say next time I will consider wearing what you think I should wear. This is not the advice I'm gonna for my sister-in-law. She's like, bitch, just wear whatever you want to wear.

Speaker 3 28:45

Or do you alternatively call me to sick me on my poor mom instead of standing up for yourself?

Speaker 1 28:53

Listen, that was more about styling. General statement on my style, okay? Yeah, that was cruel.

Speaker 3 28:59

Ugh, talk about relatives providing unsolicited opinions. My mom was like, I talked about how she has bad taste just like me. So it's not like mean if I insult myself at the same time. And I'm like, what? So you acknowledge that it's an insult.

Speaker 1 29:17

I would say that your mom was partially right. I mean, see, I think she was looking at Indian clothes and she's looking at my mom, and then she's looking at herself, and then she was trying to figure out where I fit in that zone, right? And like, I'm not my mom. I mean, she cares a lot about it. She's very picky and she's like on trend and all of this. And then, you know, there's your mom that, you know, she's definitely got better over time for sure. But she's like, let me buy six colors of this outfit because it fits and it's great, and I'm don't need to think about it. I would say I'm somewhere in between. So, you know, not quite on one side or the other. So your mom's partially right.

Speaker 3 30:00

Oh my god. So I love your mom. I can't say anything. You can love people and then hold them accountable for their unkindness towards you at the same time.

Speaker 1 30:10

That is also very hard for me to do.

Speaker 3 30:12

Yeah. That's what I mean. Okay. Yeah, that's true. The the gremlin of the family that everyone calls to like vent their frustrations out on behalf of them. No, I think like we all have different ways of responding to how relatives talk about our bodies and talk about us. I think Darcy and I may fall in a more confrontational spectrum regarding that. And you may fall in the less confrontational aspect of that. And I think that our goals should be to find that middle ground collectively. Yes, yes, so true. Yeah, I'll work on it. Maybe, maybe like the kids will be better at it. Maybe we just have to accept who we are right now and then just hope for the best, and that Anjali heals on behalf of all of us.

Speaker 1 31:07

Angeli could care less about my opinion. If she's wants to wear something, you know, as long as you know, I'm not like holding her down and telling her you better go change, she'll just wear what she wants to wear. And I also don't say anything.

Speaker 3 31:22

I think she should I think she should too, but I think that she feels that level of comfort because no one's like brought it up to make her uncomfortable.

Speaker 1 31:32

Yeah. Listen, she wears crop tops and sleeveless, both of which I could not wear when I was growing up. So I'm pretty mad at my mom for being okay with it now when she wasn't okay with it. I'm being more traumatized now than I did growing up because I'm like just competitive myself. I was like, how come Anjali doesn't have all these rules? And my mom's like, Are you serious with me right now?

Speaker 3 31:53

Are you Well, why is your mom dictating the rules of your child?

Speaker 1 31:58

Because we collectively parent. It's a it's a team effort. Yeah, a lot of team.

Speaker 3 32:06

Oh my god. Oh my god. All right, one last thought. Like, how do you want to change the narrative for the next generation?

Speaker 1 32:13

I mean, I guess we kind of touched on it a bit, but yeah, I think you know, giving them the freedom to express themselves in whatever fashion they want. I think it's more like I'm actually spending more time countering what she's seeing on social media because she's 12 years old and she's very much trying to fit a certain image. I think she tries to lean into her quirks, which I heavily encourage, but she's also very much wants to be a part of a group or a following. And she is very body conscious, which I'm also trying to navigate. And, you know, telling her it's more about being healthy, keep up with your sports, you know, she's very health conscious. If she has a chocolate bar, she's not gonna have a second chocolate bar. I mean, she's already so different than than I was, but I think countering all that conformist culture that's thrown at her, I think that's gonna be my biggest challenge. And just giving her a supportive space to be whoever she wants to be. Anywho, what unfortunately my son wears the same outfit every single day, uh, dirty or clean. Uh, he has no concept, but he's very particular about his hair. We should have a whole episode on our the boys in our family and their obsession with hair.

Speaker 3 33:47

I think that's like really more of a generalized conversation of how OCD is present in our family and how it has manifested in every member of our family. But yeah. But anyway, on that fun note, it was lovely to have you, and it was lovely for all of you guys to come and listen. And we will see you next time. Bye.