Caregiver Groundhog Day: Lessons We Keep Learning

If caregiving feels like the same day on repeat, you’re not alone. The sisters laugh, vent, and reflect on the patterns that just keep showing up.

Transcript

Copy Transcript Copied

Natalie: 0:03

Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver. Podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, lead with helpful tips and resources, and, of course, laugh. Now let's get to today's confession. You know, we look like we look like. When I woke up this morning, I thought I'm gonna do something for our holiday special the end of year review. And I wanted to be like, I had a different shirt on that was a little bit more like silver and gold. And then I started thinking, e I'm getting old. And so I thought, I'm gonna do red, and little did I know when the screen would pop up. So guys, if you're not watching on YouTube, JJ is in green, and we look like the epitome of Christmas

Unknown: 1:07

or the holidays, whatever we are the holidays. We

Natalie: 1:10

we are the holidays. That's all I'm gonna say. Yeah, we are the holidays.

Unknown: 1:16

With the holidays. However, I have some issues with my background right now, but this really is worth seeing. Like you just need to pop in

Natalie: 1:24

your background is awful.

Unknown: 1:29

So we went to PBS, you know, so we would be all cool and small

Natalie: 1:34

and have really good audio. People are probably like, what's wrong with their audience? Wrong with

Unknown: 1:38

your sound? And but currently I am, I'm living in a an RV with my husband. That is the hardest thing I've ever done.

Natalie: 1:49

How big is your RV? Is it 14 feet?

Unknown: 1:53

Come on. I mean, help me out here. It's like it's 34 feet. And I am in the bunk room, which is also known as the closet. So I'm in the closet and two Bucha and everything is in here, like there's four suitcases. Well, this winter and summer, we don't really have a place to live, right? So we're like, building the house, and so I'm on site. It's fantastic. It's a little risky. So anyway, so if you hear any hammering or anything going on, that actually is just construction, but, yeah, it's a hot mess here, and it's very like nerve wracking. So that is what's going on in my background. Yeah, it sounds nerve wracking. So, yeah. So that is, that is the current state of my union, marriage and location. So there you go. I feel like the president, and don't even have to wait till State of the Union. Let's

Natalie: 2:44

talk about JJ and her hot mess. So

Unknown: 2:47

you know, this is, I love doing this episode. This is the favorite. This is because last year we talked about peeing on ourselves, and that was pretty funny. I gotta say,

Natalie: 2:56

You know what, I still pee on myself. That's not changed at all.

Unknown: 3:04

That is true, and you still text me about that issue, like when you're running for the bathroom in Washington, DC,

Natalie: 3:10

oh yeah, at the Marriott. So anyone who met me at the Marriott one it was good that I didn't have my dress clothes on for a conference. As a national conference I was at and I didn't think about the DC traffic, and I was like, I'm all about land speed records. Is the problem. I want to beat the land speed record, but I literally almost made it to the bathroom.

Unknown: 3:35

And no, no, no, I just want a note all most so you know you, you, we really focus on caregiving for others,

Natalie: 3:47

but I don't care for myself.

Unknown: 3:51

So you really need to start making a plan, Natalie, about that caregiving for yourself. And I just want to say, as we always do during these situations, thank you tena. Thank you

Natalie: 4:02

tena, because I'm going to tell you, because I mean and, and thank you folks who carry tena of friends at CVS. You know, I know where I can get these essential products. You know, I never thought that I would get to this place, that I would be using some of the similar products as mom. I just, I did not expect it. And so menopause has been, well, perimenopause, it's been interesting. People are like, are we going to talk about your P problem? Talk about caregiving. Let's talk about caregiving. And so, and let's, I was getting ready to say, let's sing, let's dance. Okay.

Unknown: 4:42

Okay. So it, you know, we want to talk about some updates, I mean, and at the end of the year, we always talk about some, you know, first of all, inspire life, yeah, and, um, but, you know, there's hard, there's uh, there's definitely funny, there's things that we've learned. And so. This is kind of like our 45 minutes of, hey, let's toss it out there. What have we done this year? So, you know, Natalie, let's what in the world, what have you done this year? Like, really high level, like, Okay, what, you know, any, like, big things this year, you and Jason, because, I mean, that's sometimes a hot mess. We're going on. What's going on at the handy house. Well, we're handy,

Natalie: 5:21

that's what I'm gonna tell you. You know, it's funny, because this is we don't talk a lot. No, we do, we do. We do talk a good bit, but about life after caregiving, and really, for us, there is no life after caregiving. It is intermittent care, because, as folks know, Jason's a head and neck cancer survivor. We're two years out. We go back to New York. By the time you hear this, we'll have gone to New York for his next checkup. He goes on the 15th to memorials on Kettering and the last year has been interesting life after like when we returned home. I mean, the reason we started the podcast, if you remember, is because I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and so we had to find our new normal, and we had to say we're going to be happy again, even if it's not what we thought it was going to be. And so people look at us and think, Oh, they've got the best life. And they're look at Jason looks better than he's ever looked and and the reality is is we're just still a dumpster fire. I mean, Jason, Jason, people ask me, like, How's Jason's taste? I'm like, it's still crap. It's not coming back. And

Unknown: 6:39

so he can't taste anything. Loves to cook. Oh, people,

Natalie: 6:44

he can't. It's not that he can't taste anything, it's that it tastes awful. And so that's the that's the side effect of having radiation to your head. It's really highly advised against, and I would advise against it. It's awful. And so we've just been trying to find the new normal. And the funny thing is, you would not think he used to love to cook, and it's, it's been this year. It's taken him almost two years to come back to cooking, and he's and he's more confident in his cooking, because he can't taste anything and tell you if it tastes good. And so I

Unknown: 7:23

want to know that I am the guinea pig. When I come to the house, it's like, JJ, we're gonna have this. And I'm like, that's fantastic, you know, his and then my main question is, how does it taste? And I feel like, how does it I feel like, I feel like, I'm like, one of those food reviewers at the fancy restaurant. I'm like, Jason, I feel like, you know, the meat is a little tough, but the vegetables are fantastic. I mean, he expects a full review. Yeah, he does.

Natalie: 7:46

And he's still full of bad decisions, because he doesn't have as much energy, and so he tries to push himself and as a caregiver, because I am still a caregiver, just because Jason is has no no cancer detected. Doesn't mean that I still don't provide support to him, but as a husband and wife, he's, he provides, I mean, we provide support to one another, but there's those very distinct moments. And for those listeners who are out there, who are on the other side of a of an illness, that it's, it may be a long term illness, like with moms, we're always it never stops. And so I think that we ebb and flow in and out of caregiving responsibilities. And it's funny, because I don't see it well, but I can feel it in my body. My body feels it in my shoulders. I start feeling more. I start tensing up a little bit more. I actually become more bossy, if that's even possible. Now, I know Jay, that's shocking. Wait, let me think

Unknown: 8:47

about that. I don't

Natalie: 8:51

like Stop it. Don't do that. I call that direct. I don't call it bossy. I'm just more I call that evil. But no, it's not, I know. So you know, I think this year has been Jason and and myself, like Jason had to find his groove, and I had to find my groove as well, so that we made a good rhythm. We and we, we still go up and down, and the cancer will, it will show its face every time he's sick. His his illness is worse, and so how do we deal with that? But we've traveled some. We have made accommodations for the type of vacations that we take to make sure that he it offers him normalcy, and we and guess what, we still had a good time. So, you know, and and he has, he continues to have clear scans, but Jason has this. The part that makes me happy is when he's happy. And as a caregiver, I think we all feel that we just. US want our loved ones to be as happy as they can be, and setting realistic expectations about what they can and can't do. That's that the high for me is Jason built his planter box, and he has he grew all kinds of tomatoes and peppers and all kinds of things, and we ate out of the garden, and it was so good from a health standpoint. It was so good for him mentally and emotionally, and it was and he was so happy. And the best part was, with the plants, he could actually taste a little. He could taste he tastes more from the natural plants than he does any other food. And so that's always encouraging, it doesn't, it seem like a novel idea that we'd eat more plants that are normally grown, not processed. So, so Jay, I mean, so I think for the most part, I said, you know, and we've done stuff with with us, and we'll talk about that a little bit later. But personally, for Jason and myself, besides moments of killing each other. It's been pretty good, yeah. Oh, and the Beagle, and the Beagle got sprayed by a skunk in the face. Oh, that was bad. That was super bad when Daisy the Beagle, because everybody can see right behind me, the little redhead behind me, really struggled with making poor choices on the Fourth of July, she got right up in a skunk and it sprayed her face. And then I didn't know, and I let her in the house now, as everybody's like, no, and then I didn't realize not to wash her with regular shampoo, and then we poured tomato juice over top of her. Yeah, that

Unknown: 11:35

was it was bad care. It was not a good I was a terrible caregiver,

Natalie: 11:41

and it took four months for the smell to get out. It was bad. Of that dog's face

Unknown: 11:45

is bad. So yeah, we've been your worst. Yeah, that's bad moment. It's good

Natalie: 11:49

possibility. But, um, that was a low. That was a that was a low. How about you, Jay, what have you been up to? Well, I would like the minutes to reflect that JJ is the very, very primary caregiver for our mom. Now you got to understand, Emily and I are total caregivers for our mom, but really, our mom likes JJ best. It's true. So I'm gonna go ahead when I'm and I think it's because she makes JJ feel the guiltiest. And Emily and I have like, we're like, not today, and but, but my mom, my mom, will call JJ every time, and then she calls Emily, Emily's their second favorite. And then there's any other human on the earth, and then there's me. And so I think I'm just, if you want to know what a true confession is, and it's because I am the most like my mom. I am the most like mom is true. She does not want to hear her own thoughts.

Unknown: 12:58

She's like, I'm not gonna call her okay.

Natalie: 12:59

So now that you know that JJ is the primary, Emily is the backup, well, and I'm always the backup for anything regulatory and stuff like that, to make sure that they they don't actually like do awful, terrible things at the facility. So Jay, how about your year?

Unknown: 13:18

Yes. Well, let's just start with a summary that there are so many conversations with Connie that I could share. But you know, we

Natalie: 13:27

should do conversations with Connie for next year. Yes, I'm gonna show you, and I'm gonna do, you know what? I'm actually thinking about doing a life with Jason and us starting, and I think we may put this guys on Tiktok. So this will be something new for next year, J word, JJ, and I talked about conversations with Connie. I'm telling you people you would really love,

Unknown: 13:48

and usually they involve 60 to 70 text over a two minute period,

Natalie: 13:54

and COVID. Coca Cola. We would love for you to sponsor us, and we can be paid for our mom like there's not enough coke for our mom. And wait, what's the other what's her other Swiss rolls, Little Debbie. Oh, my God. And we see, I love little Debbie's too. The Swiss cake rolls and you peel the chocolate apart. Jay, yeah, yeah. Okay. Anyway, sorry, I got distracted by cokes and Little Debbie,

Unknown: 14:20

focus, focus, focus. So, no, it's been, it's been an interesting year with mom. We still, you know, it's hard sometimes, you know, as you said, still feeling the guilt of the world here, let me show you, like flush, my shoulders still go down, still. She has good days and bad days, but as I've as I watch her through the year, I've seen we still continue to see the decline. And you know, we get the Jason where we're really excited, because there are those up moments and there are up moments with mom. But I think with Mom, there's so many caregivers we talk to that. We hear that word anticipatory grief, yeah, and it's there. And I know that we feel it. We've been doing it for over 20 years, where mom's been struggling with Parkinson's, but we see this time now where I'm a lot of those, those symptoms I saw her this past Thanksgiving, and a lot of those things where she's a little bit more confused, and those things that I always dreaded, those times that I want to go out with her and do things and and we're getting to those moments. And so even with people on the podcast net that we talked to about their lives and how things kind of progress for them. And I'm always like, oh gosh, but I never think about those in our own lives. That's that's where we're getting to. And so with each podcast that I listen to, or we talk to somebody, I learn and I take away a lot, because that's kind of where the year has been, is just watching changes and being more cognizant of those changes. So for me, that's what I'm dealing with, because I'm always struggling. You know, there's been some, there's been a lot of personal changes. For me, I'm like, Really, what are you doing? I mean, I'm not divorced. My husband is still married to another crazy stuff? Yeah, I know, I know. I know

Natalie: 16:23

everybody needs at least one. Emily and I can't read that.

Unknown: 16:27

So it has been funny, though. So we decided, you know, we live in Florida. We moved down there, and then we decided we it hot.

Natalie: 16:34

Down there, it was hot. Hey, Jay, it's hot. And you're really white and red

Unknown: 16:40

headed. We decided we wanted to move back to North Carolina part time, right? And so we started building a house. Do you know

Natalie: 16:47

how Fauci that sounds? We thought we'd live in North Carolina part time. Well,

Unknown: 16:51

I mean, it's not anyway, so, but we want to be close to our kids. And so funny thing is, we made this idea, you know, like, well, we're gonna build a house. And then the first thing I thought of was, well, we want to age in place. So I need zero entry. I need to make sure that, you know, I give it to my safety location.

Natalie: 17:09

Okay, let's make sure people understand. Like, JJ, you're not like a normal girl. Like, that's true. Yeah. I mean, besides being wearing red and green and looking like Christmas, just in your in your own self. What? What about you were you had a contractor license, and you thought I should get this certification, because I don't have enough stuff on my plate. Let's,

Unknown: 17:33

let's do this. I love. I've loved since we started all this, the concept of aging in place, because we know that people have better health outcomes when they stay at home. That's right, and that was one of the issues that we had with mom, was making the house safe. And so once I started learning more about it, like removing all rugs and look at things that are trip hazards, and look at furniture and where is it, and lighting, you know, because I'm practically going blind my glasses, I gotta have mom all the time. And, you know, I got my certified Aging in Place specialist with the Home Builders Association. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Very proud of that. So when we got these plans for our house, I was like, that's not gonna work. Their steps, their uniform floor, no. And every door in my house extra

Natalie: 18:22

wide. I mean, Dexter is kind of wide. Anyway, it's I'm not probably fat, but he's husky.

Unknown: 18:29

Every door is 36 inches. Okay, every walkway is like between my island and the main stove is 36 inches. We didn't go with a gas about 36 that's an it's a DA but you can get wheelchairs through there easier to walk. We went with an induction oven, which does not get hot. So that was a safety thing for us, so you could touch it only. The pans get hot. The pots get hot on it. There's just all kinds of things that's pretty cool, where the outlets are. So I got really excited about it. So now I feel like I've made a positive choice, you know. I'm like, What is you making? So, yeah, but the other, you know, I'll say one more thing, and that was, you know, I've watched mom, and then we got Dexter had a kidney stone. I'm gonna tell you. I mean, I've had like eight kidney stones in my life, ladies, if you're out there, man, if you're out there and you didn't complain, that man was crying like a baby. And I know they're painful, but I'm trying to be insensitive. I'm telling you, kidney

Natalie: 19:34

stone, childbirth. Kidney

Unknown: 19:36

Stone, childbirth. But you know, there was, there were some problems with it. And so he had to go and have a CT scan, a PET scan. And so they found some other things that were problems with his health. And he, you know, he's a little older. And

Natalie: 19:53

what do you like? What was her name? The model, what was there? Anne Marie, oh, what's her name?

Unknown: 20:00

Oh, I remember she married that nine, yeah, but yeah, that's so he's, it's not like that, right? No, he's just 63 Okay, so he's not that old. But anyway, when we got those, I immediately went into, first of all, it was like, Oh my gosh. So I panicked, because, you know, Dad died young. He died at 58 that's my heart, yeah. And so I have this, you know, because we've got four issues that they're like, we have some concerns about this. We're going to need to address these pretty quickly. And so I got freaked out of it, and then I was like, caregiver mode. And so we went to see a surgeon last Friday. I took my notebook, I had my pen. I was thinking about badass advocate. I was thinking about, I love her. You love hearing about Aaron. I know. I was like, I've got my notebook. And I was asking those questions. I was like, I'm gonna need to know this. So sister or sparkle? Sisters really? Sparkle? Sister, yes, Michelle hop I was like, writing all this stuff down, and I just hit that mode when I got in there. I was like, so I've learned so much so I wasn't, I wasn't as freaked out as I might possibly have been. I gotta tell you, I got back in the car, and I was a snot sandwich as I got I was going home, and the reason was, then I had that anticipate, anticipatory grief, like, Dexter's gonna die. And he looked at me, and he was like, I'm not dying. I mean, you know, first of all,

Natalie: 21:19

I mean, we're all dying. You know I'm the one that burst the bubble? Well, we're all dying. I feel like Mora from anyway. So,

Unknown: 21:30

anyway, anyway. So, yeah, and so I went to worst case scenario, and he was like, simmer down skillet. It's gonna be okay. We're gonna pull through it. Okay. Anyway. So that's, that's my year, but it's been good, and I've learned a lot. So, so that is my summer. Has

Natalie: 21:47

it really been good? Has it really there have been moments that had little dumpstery moments, so there are dumpster

Unknown: 21:54

moments, and that is why I have created a lightning round. We're gonna take, I know we're gonna take a commercial break, we're gonna jump back in, okay? Do it, and then we're gonna go Lightning, and it's gonna be, it's gonna be hot and crazy. Get ready. Let's do it all right.

Natalie: 22:12

I don't know about you, but my inbox is always cluttered with useless emails. But there's one I always open the Confessions of a reluctant caregiver newsletter. You may say, Natalie, what makes yours so special? Well, I'm biased, but don't just take my word for it. Here's what our subscribers say they love. First, it comes once per month, and you can read it in under five minutes. Next you'll find amazing tips and resources to use in your everyday life. And hook doesn't love a recommendation these sisters do, which is why we share sister approved products and discount links to save you time and money. And of course, your first to know about the upcoming month's confessions, just like our show, you're guaranteed to relate, be inspired. Leave with helpful tips and resources and, of course, laugh. Go to our website, Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com. To sign up for our newsletter today.

Unknown: 23:16

All right, guys, we're back here

Natalie: 23:17

and we are about to hit the light and rain. Everybody's shocked that you took the commercial break. I know, I think that you forgot. I know we're

Unknown: 23:25

having so much fun. I mean, I was ready to pee on myself. That's all I'm saying. Okay, thank God for tena. Okay, here it is, all right. Um, here I got the questions. I got to create these. I'm super excited. I do not create these questions. You can tell JJ is in charge. I I'm so excited. Okay, ready? So, um, best moment of the year, something that you remember that really sticks out for you. Personal moment, best thing. Oh, personal moment. What can be personal or tied to the it can be anything. So it can be anything. Personal. Podcast, mixed. What is it? You

Natalie: 23:57

know, what I best moment for me for the year, professional, professional is going to be we, we started a company to help people called care forward. It's and it was based on, and so folks are like, what is this care forward thing? Care forward is a technology platform that connects individuals in need. And we have been those individuals in need

Unknown: 24:24

with

Natalie: 24:26

volunteers and community organizations, partner organizations, who donate time, talent or resource and these individuals, and the big thing is these individuals need support within the next seven to 10 days, or they could have a negative health outcome. And so I think about us, when we were trying to move Mom, we were transitioning for her, from skilled nursing to the or, excuse me, from the community, to skilled nursing, and we had all these items that were left over. And honestly. You and I needed to shower pretty bad. We smelled, oh yeah. We had been cleaning all weekend, moving stuff out and trying to get mom in, and we had these items, and we couldn't sell them, we couldn't donate them, we couldn't even give them away. And that's when care forward was born. Because we were like, We got to be able to help other people. There are other caregivers, there are people in need and and we believe in this, and so we've been working on it for the last year and some year and a half, and it went live with the city of Roanoke doing our beta test. And we're partnering with anthem health keepers, plus Aetna better health of Virginia, United Healthcare and Sentara health plans, and so we really, for me, I think that's one of the proudest things that we've done, and we could not have done it without being caregivers, to have this personal, lived experience and to go through this hard and hearing the stories of our fellow caregivers on the on here absolutely inspired us and and the comments that we have, the comments that we had from people online, that's probably my proudest,

Unknown: 26:16

personally, professionally, professionally, so so so mine is probably my best moment, proudest moment, like it's my best moment, I guess. And that was, and it's funny now how now the there's so much of our professional and and personal that tie in together,

Natalie: 26:36

it totally crosses over. We have no boundaries, because

Unknown: 26:41

it's, it's so intertwined, like care even become so much a part of your life. And so I would say my best moment, which is funny, because it has to do with my worst moment last year. Last year, my worst moment was when Medicare said that mom was deceased, and they wanted us to pay $7,000 for mom's medicine. That was my worst moment. Like, I remember we did that podcast and you said that was your funniest sort she goes, it's too fresh for JJ, but it was awful. And it was it was so hard. So this year probably my best moment, my proudest moment. And everybody may laugh at this was my mom stirring brownies. And if you haven't seen the video, CVS Natalie made the connection with CVS at a conference. And I know the lady you talked.

Natalie: 27:32

I don't know any strangers. Thanks Kristen for talking to me. The

Unknown: 27:36

lady that she when she said, I want to tell you a story. I got to tell you something. And the lady was like, Whoa, I don't want any bad news. And she told her the story about how CVS helped us, and CVS made it possible, I still get Terry. They made it possible for us to meet Eileen, which was a dream. Eileen friend, no, she's the lady that changed it for me. When she told me, your mom's gonna get her medicine, she changed everything, and CBS came out and videoed the story about it, and mom got to meet Eileen, and Eileen changed everything for us. And we sat there with Eileen, and what we did as part of the video, it just it all kind of naturally came about. We made brownies in our kitchen, and mom stirred the brownies, and she had this moment of normalcy, that's right, that was just watching that and watching it in the video, was like, this, is this the best moment? Like, and she was so great. Looked

Natalie: 28:33

happy, and I don't know that it's been a long time since Mom has felt like herself, and even, and and after we got done, she was exhausted. It was a lot, but it was a lot for us. It's a lot for anybody, um, but it was, it gave it took her back to a place where, I mean, our mom was the Director of Tourism for Anderson County. We get this, we get this personality on us, like she was a motivational speaker, which I always joked, who would listen because but I'm her daughter, so that's again, that's why I'm fourth in line. But, um, she did so great, and it was, it was a throwback. It was a throwback because we break. We made brownies. We were, I know people have seen our photos on our website. I'm not saying we were chunky kids, but we didn't miss a meal, and we were kind of Husky, and we grow them big in Tennessee and so and so it was. It was a really, it was a shared experience. Is what CVS gave us. Because here's the thing, what we gave them was an opportunity to highlight just one of the hundreds of 1000s amazing employees they have. And yes, CVS is a partner, but guys, they're not sponsoring this episode. No, we when we genuinely talk about products or people, that's because we genuinely believe in them. And. And so but, and I'm all about recruitment, retention, you know, I'm super business minded in that sense. But then we're like, people need to know about Eileen and that, and good policies that make it so that customers like we should expect that Jay from businesses. We should expect businesses to have common sense policies that may that that support the customers they seek to serve right period, but yeah,

Unknown: 30:25

but as you know, when we talked about this, you and I talked about it yesterday, and it's so hard when you're a caregiver, because you're always advocating for someone else. And when I think back to that situation, and I think back to Eileen, oh, she, she, she advocated for me, and she, she, I listened to that, I think about that story, and I reread the blog I wrote, and she was my advocate when I didn't think I had anybody on my side, because, you know, I had you guys. We were all trying to figure out this problem, this, yeah, I'm helpless, and I have this pension company saying we'll just playing the $7,000 don't worry, they'll pay you back some. And that was the thing. And I think it's when you find someone, it's a person, it's anyone, it's a company, and when they're willing to advocate for you and stand up for you, that's somebody that you're like shouting from the mountain, yeah,

Natalie: 31:19

shop with you. Think about it, but I'm that way with my hairdresser, until two messes up my hair. I am staying with her. I am not a cheater, and so I am that way about like, where do I get my makeup? Where, if you think about it, and it's brand loyalty, because you believe the company cares about you, yeah, and, and that's who I want to work for. Like, you know, I mean, like, I want to, I want my employer to be that way to me, because I am more than just my job, yeah, but you as employer have to make it, yeah, you have to make it so that your employees can do good things. Oh, yeah. So anyway, that's talking about business. That's important, because, yes, you should know businesses who are caregiver friendly. You just are. That's it. It's like you are approved. Your sister approved. Our sister approved. We should be a sister approved for next year too. Like, okay, this is your proof. This is a good thing. Okay, okay, okay. Next question on lightning round, okay,

Unknown: 32:19

lightning round, let's see hardest, hardest moment, hardest moment, probably a word like, just a difficult time. You start. Okay, I worked. I worked. Oh yeah, I worked. Like, almost. So mom has a significant decay on her teeth because of medication. She broke a tooth and a tooth fell out, and that happened in September and through December. I'm calling and begging and asking the facility then says, Hey, we're sorry, you know, we lost the referral and this and this and this and and then they tell me, this is what was really that hit me so hard. They tell me that, oh yeah, they'll have somebody come in and pull mom's teeth there at the facility. And I'm like, Whoa, hold up. That's an oral surgeon job. And when I talk to mom about it, she actually is so upset that at the thought of of someone coming in her facility, and, you know, a nursing home, and pulling your teeth. And it hit me hard, because I don't understand why people are treated differently, the old, the elderly, the sick people, they shouldn't be treated, especially if they're in congregate care. Yeah, and, and that was, I think that's, first of all, one of the reasons why I'm like fight. I don't understand that. That makes me mad, and especially when I think about people who don't have like us, or somebody that's out there advocating, or somebody that didn't know the story there was nobody to tell and say, Oh, I'm sorry. We have to because of a policy. I hate policy. We're going to have to do this on site. I just don't understand that and so. But in the end, it also took until May and me finally making this appointment for mom to actually get those to that those teeth fixed. And that is and I and, you know, Mom has insurance and things like that, but because of policy, because of all this tape, as a caregiver, I felt so bad because she didn't have a front tooth net. And it was just like, I'll we'll just pay for it until we got the money together and we paid for this dental work, because nobody else cared. And you're just pissed. I mean, let's just roll it out there. Make us an explicit I'm sorry. I never swear, but that's your mad. Look at me. I'm like, my face is red. Now you are I think that's as a caregiver that was like, and I know that's maybe people are like, but it's so much more than just it's just so much more than teeth. It's like, Why does. Why is the system? It's it. Why is it failing my mom? But why? Why is it failing these people who, some they don't have voices to speak for themselves? Well, there's so many out there, and

Natalie: 35:12

think about it. It's also ultimately going to fail us as the is the implicit thing that's going on in the back of your mind. You're like, what's gonna happen when I get hold I can't older or I need care. Let's not even when I get older. We don't even know what older looks like. Jason was 55 when he was diagnosed with cancer, but Jason also has back and neck issues, and that was when he was 49 and so it's insult to injury. Was the cancer, and so go

Unknown: 35:41

ahead. Well, no, and I think what finally got me fired up, and the it was almost like yelling. I was like, I don't think you guys understand these aren't just teeth. And the lady was like, Well, you know, we, you know, if we understand this, and I was like, this is causing social isolation. She will not go out of her room because she doesn't want people to see her. First of all, she cannot eat. So she's not being nourished correctly. She's not being fully nourished. And she is she, she cannot speak like this is causing a speech problem. And that is, you know, I think people are thinking, Oh, she's got a broken tooth. There's so much more to everything that you don't address. And so that was my, you know, my advocacy, just that was my fire. There it is. Okay.

Natalie: 36:26

That was my heart. We're gonna take a break. That was really good back. You gotta know your heart, and then I'm gonna tell you mine, because people will be like, Natalie doesn't feel anything. JJ, is a soft one. I'm like, I do all right. I do you love to listen to podcasts? So do we? And these sisters are excited to support our fellow sister in care, Nicole will host of navigating the world with your aging loved one as former guests ourselves, we love how Nicole explores the world of aging and care beyond the informative interviews, Nicole's gathered helpful resources and practical tools that encourage and give hope to caregivers navigating the aging journey with their loved ones for a more meaningful and fulfilled life. You can find Nicole wherever you download your favorite podcast or go to her website, www.willgather.com.

Unknown: 37:27

Okay, guys, we're back here, and I've been I've been complaining about some teeth. Natalie, what's your heart?

Natalie: 37:33

What's your heart? All right, two cards. First, hard is simple. It absolutely breaks my heart when you are upset. It is very hard that I can't help you and help mom, and that you carry so much of the burden and it it is very hard for me, and as much as it makes me cry, well, don't cry. It's okay. It's because I love you. I'm your sister and and, and this is important. JJ, and I will argue. JJ, am I not argue? Let's make sure we're all clear. Because people are like these. Sisters are like rainbows and unicorns. The hell we are? No, we're not. No, we will argue with each other. Because I you know, this is about being real and so, but I will tell you this, no matter how much we do our normal sister stuff, you know, and what it is is typically, it's just life stresses. Life stressors will impact us and but in the end, we're sisters, and we will never let anything come between us. And caregiving has been really hard on our relationships, and so I think if we would be remiss if we did not say caregiving is hard on our relationship and and it's not about coming to an agreement on a decision. It's just the stressors and the frustrations and, you know, and the responsibilities, and when you're have a person that you're caring for that really just wants one person to take the lead, it's if I were you, I would sometimes be resentful of me or Emily, because we don't do as much as you do. I would totally support you in your resentment and and you are always really good about telling us when you need things you're really good about, like girls, I need you to take the call I don't have it. Or I need you to Natalie, can you help me with this? And I think that's really important in advocating for yourself and to all the siblings out there who are second favorite, third favorite, last favorite, like myself. I'm with that with Jason. I encourage you to not just say, What can I do for you? Jay, it's know your sibling know what they're doing and then ask them to do some of the things that they're doing. Or, can I just listen for you? Can I can I be an ear for you? And I'm gonna, and we're gonna. Talk, and I want you to let it all out, and I want you to say all the things that make you upset, because if you hold that in, it's gonna it'll negatively impact you. So just FYI remind you of that, to make sure that you don't carry it by yourself, because you have people willing to carry it with you. Thank you. Thank you. That was really nice. Thank you. Don't tell anybody I was nice, though. The other thing, the other thing, the thing that has driven me crazy, because I will talk about Jason, is he? He continues, he continues to make poor choices. He will not tell me that. And I know there's lots of people who can relate to this. He will not tell me when something is wrong. He will hold it in. He will tell me, Well, I know you're busy, or I know you're this, or there's nothing you can do about it, so I didn't bother telling you. And so every time we go to the doctor, we do checkup, or things like that. He'll he might say things randomly. And I'm like, why did you not tell me that? Or, and it's so frustrating. Or I'll say you need to take more frequent breaks when you're working on your personal projects. Like you need to take more breaks instead of going out. And, Oh, perfect example, he mowed the yard. We have a riding lawn mower. And you were at our house, we have a riding lawn mower. We just mowed. This was almost a fight. This was a full on you. If you die in that bed. It was justified, because your crap choice did it. I am such a hard Emily. If Emily was on here, she'd be like, Natalie, you need to be nice to her. And I'm like, No, I'm not going to be nicer because he's laying on the bed and his face is so pale from where he walked the yard. He walked with the right push lawn mower, which is self propelled, because he's got some limitations so but he did too much. It was too hot, and he overheated. And that's the hardest thing for me is I am a person who likes structure and control. I know that seems shocking, yeah, and and he is bound and determined to do it what he wants. And I have to remind him that if he destroys his body now, I will I I don't know how I would care for him. Jason's 50 he'll be 58 in January, and if he's if he destroys his body. Now I don't know what I would do. Yeah, I don't know what I would do. It scares me because, and I think that's and I think as caregivers. And here's the selfish part. Ready for the confession? I don't want to care again like that yet. I don't, I don't want, I want to do it when we're in our 80s. I want to do it like, later in life, I probably won't even want to do it then. Like, I just want to be married and I want to be able to do things, and I don't want you to do things that are gonna, that will, will make it harder for you. It's aging you faster. It puts

Unknown: 43:04

him at risk. And I think that's, you know, you're like, take care of yourself. I mean, I can't take care of all of you. Take care of yourself. If

Natalie: 43:11

you won't take it, here's a problem. And this is how I feel. This is unpopular. If you won't take care of yourself, I'm not taking care of you. That's, do you know how mean that sounds, but if you're gonna intentionally do it, then I'm not going to take care of you when you because I'm not going to be punished. That's what it feels like, is, I feel like I'm being punished when he makes more choices.

Unknown: 43:32

So that kind of leads us to the funniest moment. Totally. That leads us to the funniest but it also leads us to kind of the, it's kind of the take care thing, but it's kind of the funny thing as well. So mom has an OTC card, which is the over the benefit. I'm glad you knew OTC. You're struggling Well, it's called OTC. I don't know. It's over the counter,

Natalie: 43:58

over the counter. If it's not, you know, funny that would be,

Unknown: 44:01

I know, she goes, she gets to go and pick up things at different locations, of items that she might need through her advantage or Medicare Advantage. And it's like the highlight of the month. Y'all,

Natalie: 44:15

we got money on that card, and I am burning it up products. Jay, so,

Unknown: 44:19

so here's the deal. So I took her when I was in for Thanksgiving. I took her and we, first of all, we hit CBS. I mean, this is like a full shopping trip, and it's exhausting for me y'all, because there's a lot of gear you got to carry. One like, holy smoke. So it's like taking a little you know, when you got to have that backpack, when you take out kids and stuff. Well, I got it, no, not like that. I mean, I was No, but gotta have water. I gotta have

Natalie: 44:43

it is like having a baby. Like, don't downplay it. Like, she's got a rollator. She's Got You gotta have a wheelchair, because you don't know if we're gonna go between the wheelchair or the rollator. Depends on how she's feeling. She's gonna have to have all the things. She's got her purse. You've gotta have the basket. How are we doing things? Like, don't downplay it. At that is super important, fair

Unknown: 45:01

enough. Okay, so, so we went to CVS, and we did our her normal shopping. She gets her beauty supplies there, and some of those are on there. You know, we really try, and she needs coke. And this is her, like, this is her COVID, this is her guilty confession. And so, first of all, she gets three cases of coke. And I'm like, okay, that's 30 soda. So I need to know, though, I need you to know that the day before, Emily had had her and she had already gotten three cases of coke. So we're up to 76 cans of Coke. Seven. Wait a minute, 3672 cans of Coke. I can't even add anymore. We're 72 cans of COVID. That's like, an exceptional amount of coke. Yeah, that's a lot

Natalie: 45:44

of coke. And I was doing math, like, if there's 16 ounces times 72

Unknown: 45:51

then it's the Dollar General, because they also do it Dollar General. Love you. Take it Dollar General. And she says, Oh, and I can get my stuff here. And I'm like, okay, okay. And so I start helping her. We got our little basket, and we immediately, like, we're not going through like, yogurt and dairy, and she means healthy things. So because she has a little fridge in her room, she gets, like, snacks. So we immediately go to chips and salsa, and that's okay, and then we go to cookies. And I'm like, Mom, mom, because she's lost some weight, I'm a little bit concerned about her nutrition, and so I'm noticing these things. And then we get to Swiss rolls, little Debbie's, which is one of her favorites,

Natalie: 46:30

Satan's playground over there. I get it the best. So I

Unknown: 46:33

get the Swiss rolls. I get her the box. She asked for it, and it's on the lower shelf. So I get it, and she says, I need another box. I'm like, Are you sure? And then they didn't have another box. I was like, Thank You, Jesus. There's not another box of Swiss rolls. And but we get to the front store, and I'm like, well, they have another box. And then I see the I say, Mom, they've got another box. I need that box. And I go get it. And then I say, Mom, this is, like, the jumbo box. It has 24 and she was like, I need it. I look at the other box, it has 24 that is 48

Natalie: 47:01

Swiss rolls. Let's make sure that's 48 packages of Swiss rolls times two, which is 96 individual Swiss rolls sorted. So

Unknown: 47:13

it is my funniest moment. It is like my and I get to the, I mean, you guys don't know, like all of the junk food that I bought. And then I started getting frustrated. I was like, Mom, I feel like mom, when she was like, No, you can't have that. We get to the front, and it's like the candy bars, and I feel but then I'm like, JJ, it's my let it go moment like to whatever. I don't even care, mom, whatever you want.

Natalie: 47:36

Just load it up, the medicine or the sugar. Something's gonna happen. Like,

Unknown: 47:41

Mom, what if she wants 48 if she wants them go to town. And so I realized at that moment, it's my let it go. Moment I'm just like, what else? What else could I get? Yeah, you want it. Do you want any Mountain Dew? I mean, load it up. I will tell you that the second part of my funny is that when we went into the facility, yeah, we start walking through there, and she is, got her she's got a rollator. I have all the cokes on there. And she says, Oh, hey, John, do you need a coke? Oh, hey, Luanne, do you want to show giving all those cokes away? Coke out? Like, I swear to God. So that was my I was like, Mom, mom. And then I was like, I'm supplying coke for a facility of 75 people.

Natalie: 48:23

You're welcome nursing facility. We know how much. That's

Unknown: 48:27

why I have to purchase so many Cokes. She is a just coke pedaling, Swiss cake roll dealer.

Natalie: 48:36

Swiss cake roll dealer. What is she getting back? Is the question, did you ask her what she's getting back from those people? I

Unknown: 48:43

don't think anything. Ellie, I think she just gets a lot of joy from handing it

Natalie: 48:47

out. And here's the thing, let's find the silver lining. It's because our mom has always wanted to help other people. She really has, like, again, she has a servant heart, and if it's she is dealing service through Swiss cake rolls,

Unknown: 49:01

okay with that. And you know, I feel like I'm probably gonna need roles

Natalie: 49:04

because I'm kind of hateful, so I'm probably gonna need that whenever I get into a facility, because nobody will be my friend. Otherwise,

Unknown: 49:12

my lesson learned was just to let it go. So what's your funny? What's your lesson learned from it? I know, I know. Oh,

Natalie: 49:18

you know what, Jay, it's at the end of our time. I mean, I mean, I can't believe we're at the end of our time. We're gonna have to, we're gonna have to, okay, we're gonna have to wrap it up a little bit. Okay, okay, so I'm gonna tell you this my funniest moment has to be my inability to manage my manage my bathroom breaks, and I know that has nothing to do with caregiving, but dang it, I need to care for myself, and know that perimenopause is really hard, and sometimes I don't have the same bladder control. And I know there's people going you should. See a doctor for that? And the answer is, I went to this women's conference by Senator Warner in Virginia last weekend, and I listened to the menopause conference, and there was a panel of physicians who were there, and they talked about it, and they were like, yes, you there are things you can do. And I'm like, really.

Unknown: 50:17

So here's, here's your lesson learned. You must care for yourself as

Natalie: 50:20

much and carry an extra pair of panties in your under and you're okay. That is your lesson learned, and that's my brothers, and that's that's the go. Okay, so Jay, let's talk about what's coming up in the new year,

Unknown: 50:30

absolutely. So here you go. So I do have a couple I have one question. I'm proudest moment in the podcast last year, this past year, one moment that you were like, This is stellar. I'm so proud of this that I was able to contribute this to the audience. Okay,

Natalie: 50:43

so I don't want people to think that I play favorites. Ready? Caregiving youth. Caregiving youth series, and I'm gonna tell you I loved our choral series. So we had a choral series talking about the impact of your of dry mouth on your overall health and wellness, because that's something very personal to Jason and myself, and so if you haven't heard that series, people I'm telling you, got to go back and listen to it. It's on YouTube. We had six amazing professional practitioners who came and gave you everything. Thank you to our friends at a coral and lots of sponsors for that. That was that. But caregiving youth, because these and they are truly hidden caregivers, and we don't see children as caregivers. And having worked in the foster care population for 25 years, the privilege of getting to talk to these our youngest, I think, was 14, and them talking about caring for their loved ones. They are, you know, from Kaylin to Aditya to, I mean, every one of these, these youth, the sisters from Australia, my girls from from Canada, and I just have to tell you, it was absolutely the proudest moment and the organizations who support them, kids kicking cancer. Kristen, you've got so many I'm going to tell you, you can listen to all of our special series. It's not that people. I love heroes. I absolutely love heroes. But we in the United States do not recognize the impact that youth are having in caring for other people. Yeah, that's my proudest moment,

Unknown: 52:26

I would say for me, because I do love heroes. I love all the guests, first of all. But if you were talking about a segment, and I think my proudest moment was the ability with our sponsors to put out the PBS series. But what that did when we put out the and I say, series, but the the program that was done with us by PBS Appalachia, when we put out that special, it wasn't just about the show itself, the program itself, but the fact that we got to meet those individuals, personally amazing, and to see them in action, To have dinner with them, but to see these fun and vibrant and just funny people that have been through so much, these veterans, and they're, they're just, you see the situation, and you see that they're, they're, they're just making it. They're thriving.

Natalie: 53:19

Tom and Jack JP and Crystal Jose and Quinn, Bob and Gretchen, like, and Angelina and her dad, oh, my God. Like, yeah,

Unknown: 53:31

I say that. You say they're thriving, but I know that they have hard moments, and they're open to talk about them, but they're just like, You know what? We're just gonna trudge on through the mud and we're gonna make it, and they're honest about it. And I think that was probably my proudest, was to be able to do that. I do love military. Yeah, I do love that. So, okay, here it is. So we're just going to talk light around us, because there's some, there is some crazy stuff going on next year, what do you got?

Natalie: 53:55

Okay, we have officially moved to PBS, yeah, and we will be recording in their state of the art studio, in in the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino people like, it's gonna be crazy awesome. And so if any of our guests ever want to come and record in studio with us, there will be You are welcome. I guys, we are so excited to partner with PBS and the hard rock to record down there that is going to be amazing. And we're sort of doing this little television show just,

Unknown: 54:32

yeah, just a 10 part series program, yeah, I'm just super excited about that. Yeah, take care and it is health, lifestyle and home. It's going over a little bit of everything. It is not just for caregivers, but it

Natalie: 54:50

is for everybody. It's, How do you age? Well, yeah, yeah. Hey, let's put the Sizzler real. Let's put the Sizzler. Let's do that. Show Notes, guys, you got to watch the Sizzler. It's hilarious. We play pickleball. I was

Unknown: 55:03

gonna say we play pickleball. So that is, that is one of the fun things, and another thing that we're excited about, yeah, our

Natalie: 55:10

partners at NCL, we're going on a cruise. And we're not only going on a cruise on Norwegian and it's for caregivers, but it's for everyone. And we also have cohorts. And so we have Carrie Alberts with dementia, darling. We have we have Kristen Miller, Miller with happy, healthy caregiver. We have Cindy and Kristina from AAC corner. Who else we have? We

Unknown: 55:36

have Terence Hawthorne, which is caregivers lifestyle. He's amazing with him and his wife, Lucretia, and we have Kristen of Kristen and Keys, keys for caregiving. So we've got, we have got a crazy group of fun people who love life, and you want to talk to everybody.

Natalie: 55:53

It's better than a hallmark cruise. And I love you Hallmark, I know.

Unknown: 55:57

And we're on a new year. There's a lot of just it. I think there's a lot of different differentiating things that are going on with the sisters. Oh, Jay, we got training too.

Natalie: 56:08

January. Holy crap, guys, you're gonna see this January 23 we're gonna be doing we're gonna be doing a training guy, McCall and I with forge health, are gonna be doing a four part training, and it's free, and we're probably gonna have credits, continuing education credits, and it's like a playbook. Oh, it's totally a playbook on caregiving people. We're looking to do youth caregiving series again, and Jay The Hero series, the heroes, it's

Unknown: 56:35

coming back, and where's it gonna be located. It's

Natalie: 56:37

gonna be in a big, giant White House, is what we're trying to do. Oh, guys, it's a it's a big white house. Is what we're trying to do. We're speaking this into existence that we're going to get permission to go and record in the Big White House. So we'll keep you posted. This is going to be good. We

Unknown: 56:56

are super excited about what's to come. We are so thankful for everybody that has worked with us, that has helped us grow. We're at our listeners. I know we're at over 300,000 streams so and we're in 54 countries, and if we can do anything, you know we're our email is always open. Info at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver.com. Tag us like us, follow

Natalie: 57:23

us, email us with everybody. Is what we're gonna ask. Because here's the thing, we're all going to be caregivers. All right, you know, the, the the four way test, I mean, it's, it's really about, it's what Miss Carter talked about. Rosalyn Carter talked about and our friends at the rosalin Carter Institute. You know, we'll either have been a caregiver. We will be a caregiver. We are a caregiver that's not in the right order, or we will need care. That's the thing. It is universal. We will all need care or be cared for. And I say that with the utmost respect to our friends at RCI, our friends at Wounded Warrior Fisher House Foundation. I mean, I think about all the people. Elizabeth Dole Foundation, possible, all the people. There are so many partners we've had this year and so many organizations that we have, we have been had the privilege, the privilege of learning about the privilege of getting to share with you. And Sharon is caring, and I'm going to tell you lots of great podcasts. We got lots of friends out there, so we're always we're happy to cross promote because there is more than enough caregivers out there to be supported for all of us. Yeah, so Jay,

Unknown: 58:34

I cannot say thank you enough, and I wish everyone a very, very fruitful and wonderful new year 2025 it's gonna be big. It's gonna be big. Forward to it and a very healthy, healthy happy new year. A healthy, happy New Year.

Natalie: 58:55

To everyone, everybody, thank you so much for listening to your favorite sisters. I know that JJ is your favorite. It's fine, it's okay. We're used to it. Currently, Emily is the favorite of both of us, so we love you, Emily. All right, guys, happy New Year, and here is to a big fat 25 Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession again. Thank you so much for listening. But before you go, please take a moment to leave us a review and tell your friends about the confessions podcast. Don't forget to visit our website to sign up for our newsletter. You'll also find a video recording of all of our episodes on the confessions website and our YouTube channel. Don't worry. All the details are included in the show notes below. We'll see you next Tuesday when we come together to confess again. Till then, take care of you. Okay, let's talk disclaimers. You may be surprised. To find out, but we are not medical professionals and are not providing any medical advice. If you have any medical questions, we recommend that you talk with a medical professional of your choice, as always, my sisters and I, at Confessions of a reluctant caregiver, have taken care in selecting speakers, but the opinions of our speakers are theirs alone. The views and opinions stated in this podcast are solely those of the contributors and not necessarily those of our distributors or hosting company. This podcast is copyrighted, and no part can be reproduced without the expressed written consent of the sisterhood of care LLC. Thank you for listening to the confessions of our reluctant caregiver podcast.