Surrendering Control: The Hardest Part of Saying Goodbye

"I am sunny with a chance of tornadoes." - Yvette LeFlore

🎧 Intuitive energy healer Yvette LaFleur opens up about her deeply personal caregiving journey through love, loss, and healing. As the caregiver for her late husband Walter, who bravely battled stage four lung cancer, Yvette shares profound lessons on self-care, anticipatory grief, surrendering control, and honoring the wishes of a loved one.

Natalie and JJ explore with Yvette:

• 💔 The emotional toll of caregiving for someone with a terminal illness
• 🧘‍♀️ The importance of maintaining identity and practicing self-care
• 🙏 Letting go of control and accepting help from others
• 😢 Navigating grief, loss, and life after caregiving
• ❤️‍🔥 Finding humor, strength, and spiritual growth through adversity

About Yvette:

Yvette LeFlore is an Intuitive Energy Healer and Reiki Master Teacher. Before opening her energy healing business, Yvette led a team for a popular direct sales company; she was also a teacher in prisons and drug rehabilitation centers. Over a decade ago, she found the benefit of energy healing for herself and others. When she was dating, she intended that the man she next met would be open to energy and healing work. Enter Walter. The man who not only understood and worked with energy but also supported her in building her business and leaving her 29-year career with the direct sales company. As you will hear, Walter now joins her from the spirit world in her energy healing sessions.

Social Media:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/healingwithyvette

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/yvette-leflore-9683336/

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/healingwithyvette

Website: www.healingwithyvette.com

Are you a caregiver, or grieving a loss, or seeking emotional and spiritual insight? This heartfelt conversation offers comfort, wisdom, and connection. 

THANK YOU to SPONSOR: CareScout

** Caregiver Action Network Caregiver Help Desk offers free support to family caregivers via phone, chat, or email Monday through Friday, 8:00 am - 7:00 pm Eastern. Get answers, resources, support group info, or a listening ear. Visit www.caregiveraction.org/helpdesk/ or call 855-277-3640.**

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Transcript

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Hey guys, it's your favorite sisters with the confessions of a reluctant caregiver podcast. On the show, you'll hear caregivers confessing the good, the bad, and the completely unexpected. You're guaranteed to relate, be inspired, leave with helpful tips and resources, and of course, laugh. Now, let's jump right in to today's guest confession. Hello, Ned. feel like we're about to start giggling because we're like five years. are because we're like little girls. I know, and you know what? We have such a good guess. Yes But here's the thing is that you have just made me write out the way to pronounce Reiki instead of reek. then I started talking about Ricky Martin and I started singing and then I like I can hear his song and that's why I'm dancing in my head. I'm like you're making it The problem is when, you know, have you ever got something in your head where it was correct and then you have made me laugh and say, don't say it this way. And now the only way I want to say it is the wrong way. So I've had to write it correctly. I've had to spell it out. Ray. E. Well, and part of this is because our guest uh is a like super expert in it. So you know what? Stop filming. I'm going to tell you right now. I think you should introduce our guest and then we can get started with our amazing podcast. Okay, today's guest, are you guys ready? Because we got all kinds of pronunciation. That little floor with us today and she knows what it means to balance, get ready here, love, loss and healing. She's an intuitive energy healer and you're gonna get me tickled here. Reiki master teacher. But before that, she spent nearly 30 years in direct sales. uh Yeah, taught in prisons and rehab centers. That's kind of interesting. Life took a turn when she met Walter, a man who not only believed in her passion for energy work, but supported her in leaving her long-time career to pursue it. love somebody that's motivational. I love that too. So Yvette and Walter shared seven years together before his stage four lung cancer diagnosis. She said that's a gut punch that came just months after a dream trip to Alaska. Yvette told him, you'll have your journey, I'll have mine, and we'll have ours. And that's exactly how it played out. She became his memory when stroke stole his own, stood by him through treatments, and found strength in hospice care during the final months. But caregiving wasn't just about Walter's journey. It was about Yvette's too, about staying grounded, holding onto herself, and learning how to keep going when everything felt like it was falling apart. Yvette, are so happy to have And she and everybody for if you're listening, she is in studio with us who lives here in Roanoke, Virginia with with with me not literally in my house, but she is in the valley with me. Although you could I mean now I'm just inviting my husband's like what but I love the opportunity when we have a guest to be in studio with us. Our name is always fun. Yeah, we do. Come on up. And so we're so happy to have you with us and to share your story. Because I've heard it and we met and we spent quality time over hot chocolate. That was two chocolate and chocolate chip cookies. it was such a good time. It felt really good. And so I'm so grateful to you for sharing your story with our audience. Well, thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. So I always like to start off, kind of give us some background. So start from the beginning in the sense of you were born. you were born. Tell us some background about your, you know, kind of growing up your family and life because you met Walter later in life. I did. And so kind of bring us up to speed. Kind of tell us some background because I love like JJ mentioned you worked in the prisons and stuff like that. So Tell us about life and then we'll work up our way up to all. my goodness, okay, so um where do I wanna start? You were born in. oh in a little town in New York state. All right. And I knew from, actually, I knew from the age of five when I joined a kindergarten class that I wanted to be a teacher. You know, Ms. Phillips, every time I would come home and I would say, Ms. Phillips said, my mother said she got so annoyed because Ms. Phillips said this, Ms. Phillips said that. So I wanted to become a teacher. went to school to become a teacher and I fell in love. uh during school with working with alternative populations and found that it was a group that I liked working with people who felt that they didn't get what they needed in the traditional school system. so I had the opportunity to make a difference there and I wound up working with teens, which was not my audience. And at that time I went to a party for a direct sales company and thought, I can do that. So I started and was there for 29 years and in the midst I had my first marriage which ended. I believe everybody should have at least one. I keep telling JJ that about her current husband. was her first. The irony of that was about five years after we were divorced, I got an inkling and uh I kept hearing a voice that said, send him a birthday card. And I was like, my ex-husband who I haven't seen in five years, what? So I listened to the voice, I sent him the card, I got a note back from him uh after returning from vacation that he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. Yeah. Right. Let's talk about a twofer here. I had the opportunity, little did I know because I did not know how uh active death worked. I actually got to spend his last month with him, visiting him and healing what had been the hurt during our marriage that caused the divorce. So when he died, the healing had been done. And I had no clue that that would set the groundwork for uh my relationship with Walter and actually walking that walk with him. So I was single and dating for about 20 years and I put it out into the universe. I created a vision board that I wanted somebody who understood energy work, was interested in energy work. uh And Walter walked in. So was that something that you, well, one, you were a caregiver for your ex-husband in his last month, but even in the sense of you went and visited him. Yeah, I actually would say because that's a level of kindness and providing care in the sense of just emotional support, being with him, you know, because you went and visited, right? Yeah, you know, thank you for saying that because I wouldn't have identified it as caregiving. And yet it was, I was there two to three times a week, just sitting, holding hands, being, being, because at that stage, there wasn't a whole lot of conversation. You know, he wasn't in that stage to have a whole lot of conversation. There's a of peace and grace that comes with that, with just being. Yeah. Oh, was, if I can dare say it was magical to have that opportunity. Well, and if you think about that's the thing about caregiving is there's no actual definition to it. There's no if you do these five things, you're a caregiver. It's not that that's not that clean. And I think that's why I think the it looks so different, which is why it's so hard for people to say, I'm a caregiver because they see themselves as a friend or as a different role instead. so how long had you I love that you did the vision board. and that you said that energy work, is that something that has always been a part of your life? Is that something you felt like or is that something that you kind of came to? I've always been intuitively connected. You know, as I was one of those young, sensitive, and I'm using air quotes, sensitive children that knew that crap was happening in the household, but didn't understand it as a child. But it wasn't until probably 15, 17 years ago that I started connecting with Reiki. And so I was connected to the energy work before I met Walter. And so you did a vision board. Yes. And what was on the vision board again? me again. um I remember the word king. um Dancing, travel, kissing. I love a love story. I'm too. oh Just oh love. that. And then, okay, so you've made the vision board and how much longer later do you... It was less than a month. I created it. had, I had dated somebody up to my birthday and we had broken it off and had already planned on going away from my birthday. So I went away that weekend, created that vision board, came back and we met online. Walter and I met online. And so I went, came back, put the ad back on the site and wound up meeting him within a week. And it was August 19th, not August, April 19th that we had our first date. Now, you here in... So you're both in New York. And then what happened? I love this game. And then what happened? Look at me, I'm like, okay. I know. um So we we wound up dating and the what's what's interesting is that um When I met him the subject line of my ad was peak me pique you eat like peak my interest yeah, and I went away for a weekend and um Didn't communicate because we had been communicating emailing back and forth and came back and I said to a friend of mine, really need to see the site. It's a great place to meet people. And I opened the site and I see an ad from the ads for men that said, peak me, come back. I know I hadn't been in touch with him in like four days. I feel like this is the if you like pina coladas. Yeah, like at this point. Dance. This is everybody's gonna wanna everybody's gonna want to see the video of this because we all just dance. I love that pink me come back. Yes. And, and what is so fascinating is I never let anyone pursue me. Cause I figured if I like you, I like you, I'm going to let you know. And he never pursued anybody. And we gave that to one another in our relationship. Yeah. Okay. So then you all start dating. We started dating and then moved in together about a year and a half later and he was on our very first date. He told me I'm never getting married again. I said, okay, I've been married, right? And he said and I'm not staying in this job. And I said, okay. And so uh Before we moved in together, I had this conversation. said, listen, I know that you're not staying here, but you need to know that I'm not moving with you unless we've lived together for a year. Like I'm not leaving everything that I know to go anywhere. So we moved in together. Yeah. You're like, right. And then what happened? Because obviously you picked up on how you're here. Yeah, so he wound up getting a job in Virginia and we moved here in during the pandemic. Oh, yeah. Great time. It's a great time to be you're gonna make lots of friends m And that was in August of 2020. Yeah, August of 2020. handful of months into the pandemic. And that's interesting that y'all moved even with the pandemic and it's a big deal. And you moved south. Had you ever lived in the south before? We're a little different down here. Yep. Had my concerns about it. Had my concerns, but I love it. Wouldn't leave it. Yeah. I love that. So you you spend life here Walter has a new job what what what are you doing during this time what are you all doing because you can yeah it's a new life Did you get married before you came down? Yeah. Oh yeah. So we got married. important detail sorry missed that What's the question? oh So you got married. married. You came down. down. How's life? You start doing life down here. We started doing life down here. I was able to bring my direct sales business down with me. Gotcha. And I had actually created it to be virtual before the pandemic even started because I knew that we would be moving. And um then I just started getting again, my intuition was saying to me, you need to move into your energy, like really move into your energy healing. was doing it in New York, but that's the direction to go. And we had so many dinner conversations where I would say, think like I need to leave, I need to do this. And he finally said to me, um You know the problem is you've never let anybody take care of you. And so I, with his convincing, I decided to leave something that was financially secure to jump into something that was not. And, um, that was in April of 2022 and he was diagnosed in October, November of 2022. We're going to I'm going to take a break real quick and then we're going to jump into that. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, we are back here with Yvette LaFleur. We've talked about love, reconnecting. Found love again. She has gotten married. She has moved. You've changed careers. You've stepped out and you are letting someone take care of you. And then you get this diagnosis. So what happened? So as you said in the intro, like he found out in an afternoon and he waited to tell me and I can still see him sitting in the chair, the couch, me sitting in the chair and him telling me. And it was in that moment where I said to him, you'll have your journey. I'll have mine and we'll have ours. And so he knew that there was a cancerous growth in uh November, it was like a week or so before Thanksgiving that we found out. But as with anything having to do with cancer, it's always get tested and wait two weeks. You know, it's this horrendous waiting period. And so he was diagnosed on, technically diagnosed with a stage four on December 23rd. we wound up in this situation where His lungs were filling with fluid and he was laughing and passed out. and I, he was sitting and I saw the computer fall off of his lap and scared the bejesus out of me. And I said, you know, we really need to go check this out. The doctor had told him the fluid could cause issues. And if there was an issue, go to the emergency room because they couldn't schedule an appointment for the fluid draw. for another two weeks, right? So he said, if it happens again, well, Christmas Eve, it happened again. And he said, tomorrow morning, we'll go tomorrow morning. So five o'clock on Christmas day, we went to the emergency room and that's where we spent Christmas. question. So I want you to explain this, this statement, because I feel like it has a lot to do with this, this healing, this energy that you have. You said you'll have your journey. I'll have mine and we'll have ours. And I think so many times when someone is diagnosed, especially a married couple, it's we'll have our journey. We will do this together. Tell me what it means when you say you'll have hour your journey but I'll have mine as well. What did that mean to you? So there were a lot of lessons that I learned as a caregiver. uh I found that codependency that I had, that had reared its head and, I had learned about, because I grew up with being codependent. uh And I thought I had done the healing work around it. It came up for me in uh walking the path with Walter. And I really had to work. hard to not get so enmeshed in his illness because it wasn't my illness. And so doing my self care and making sure that I was doing what I needed to be the best I could be physically, emotionally, spiritually to support him. Does that answer? does. Yeah, it does. so we're like, if you don't mind, what were some of those things that allowed you to not lose yourself in his diagnosis? Because I totally feel that. It's easy because all we do is focus on you. Yeah. And it's not like, you're egotistical, but it's like, we're so focused on you, I forget about myself. And I think that's super common in caregivers. So what are some of those things that you did that really helped you remain? maintain your sense of self and identity. Well, one thing is because I'm an energy healer, I connected with energy healers that I know nationwide. And so I would get energy healing. got massages. did, got out of the house. I continued with building my business and did the things that, that I could. to give myself time away from even to take the mental breaks, right? So that it wasn't always about Walter's illness. And I think so many people lose sight of that. I know we've talked about that a lot, especially with our youngest sister, Emily. And her big thing when she took care of our mom was everyone just has that habit of only seeing the illness, like how's your mom, how's your mom? And they lose just like a regular mom. Like they always ask about the kids, but they never, hey, how are you doing as the mom? are you doing this thing? Yeah, it's a real common conversation. The other thing that I did as part of taking care of me was I learned to accept help that people offered. Oh wow. Which was difficult. Like one of the things that uh Walter was a minister and so the folks in the church wanted to uh bring meals and I had a conversation with him like, can cook. We have a freezer full of food. Like, why would I do this? And, we can't, the conversation we had was this isn't necessarily for us. It's for them. However, once we got that first meal, I was like, can we do this? We're gonna need the Miltrain 365. I like these things. Because I was like, yeah, we'll take once a month. First it's like, how about we start you with once a week? I'll take it. like, all right. You know, like we'll do it. And then once we go, I said, once a week, said, messenger, said, you know what? Twice a week would be great. But that was, that was part of my journey was allowing me because it's something I was so passionate about was cooking. It's something that I. done for a very long time to allow myself to step aside because it was caretaking not just for Walter, but it really was for me. It really was for me. I like that. Well, and I think that's so important because that's an important message that we would tell anyone. It's hard to receive help when you feel like I've got to control all the things that I can. Yes. And it really comes down to control. But in a time when you feel like you have no control. I am I was always grasping for control. What are the things I can control? I can control what time he takes his meds. I control the laundry. I control the cleanliness. I can I could do all the things, but I couldn't control his cancer. And so if somebody wanted to help me, I'm like, no, I've got it. I've got it. And that's hard. And I got towards the end when people would say, like, if you'd like me to do some grocery shopping for you, can be like, no, what I would love is for you to come sit with Walter so I can do the grocery shopping. Like, I just want to get out of the house. And that was part of my growth too, was really checking in with myself. Like, what do I need? I need to get out. I can feel every bit of that. needed, there were so many times that I needed to get out. And I just, and there's something about magical about grocery shopping. I go on up and down those aisles and you're just assessing everything. And I think it's mostly because it gives you a sense of normalcy. It gives you, allows you to feel normal. Like I'm doing what everybody else is doing. No one knows that my husband has cancer. I'm just another person just. buying a bag of Oreos, stay tall and once. Most of that. Yeah. That were big into eating a whole bag of Oreos. Absolutely, that was a confession. You said that like thin mints, like one sleeve is a serving, okay? Can we do this? Yes, yes, and we support the Girl Scouts. and so we support your fan, Samoa's. Those are ours. That's our jam. my God, Samoa's. So, so you're going through this. I love that you're going through this journey and you have this wisdom. It's really it's wisdom, but it's insight. It's knowing yourself and being okay and trying to, was it always there? Or did sometimes did you have to really kind of fight to be like, am I really feeling? Because did you really feel comfortable in your own skin during your caregiving journey? That came in waves. I mean, there were times where I definitely was comfortable in my skin and there were times where I was numb. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, that's the best way to say it. That vacillated. Definitely vacillated. So dear, I love the way the subject lines with you and Walter when you first started dating, how he was chasing you. Tell me about, because we have so many people that when they have a spouse with an illness, tell me about you and Walter, your journey together, doing this time with cancer as his cancer progresses. From the time that he was diagnosed, I know he passed, how long was that cancer journey for? It was about a year and eight months or so. to show. about that time and what you learned about a relationship during that time. Hmm. Hmm. Well, we moved from. Boy, there's, okay, let me just center into myself here. All I keep hearing is the caregiving piece because... That's what our relationship was both in both directions. Yeah. Right. So we, we moved from, um, him taking care of me to me taking care of him, to him taking care of me. And I think that that was our whole journey was about taking care of one another in one way, or form. there, was, it was an apps. was a real struggle to. Witness. somebody who was very intellectual, um, start to lose that. And to an, part of my struggle and journey was to give him space to be exactly where he was. And some days I did better than others with that. And that's, uh that was, like I said, part of my journey. was learning how to honor the memory loss and having to repeat things over and over and over again and not get angry or upset. and I think, um, and part of it for him was surrendering to that, like seeing him go from being angry about it to saying to the doctor, She'll remember this. She's my memory. It really was a team. It was a team. And it feels like there's the word just keeps coming to me is surrender. Both of you had to surrender things that you held on to like, okay, I had to surrender and allow people to help me. Yes. He had to surrender things of when his abilities and this is the way I always think of it. When his abilities changed, he had to say, this is where I am. and I'm going to be okay with that. And that's really hard, especially for somebody who'd probably, when you said he had said to you, I'm never getting married again. Yeah, well, that didn't work out. That didn't work. you're like, that's cute. Remember you were following me. And so, So I think, you know, I just, wonder about that. And so I feel like I keep hearing it. It feels like there's this this beautiful paint, like it's brutally beautiful, like our friend has brutally beautiful. It's brutally beautiful. And you all how long were you all together in total? shy of 10 years. And it, it feels so in the story, like in your, you're telling me, feels so small. Like it feels like this limited time that like precious time, um, that you, you embrace the precious time that you all had together. And so when you say that you had to give him space, can you define that a little bit more for me? Because I think our listeners would be like, what does that space look like? How do I do that when I want to be on top of it? When I want to be in control? and try to help. Yeah. So it's something I didn't always do really well. honoring his need to, I'll give you a great example. So he was a smoker for 50 years and he quit smoking um like six months before he was diagnosed. So that felt like a real kick in the pants. And about a month and a half before he died, We were sitting in the living room and he said, um I really want a cigarette. I want to go get cigarettes. Where are the keys to your car? And at this point we had sold his car. He wasn't driving anymore. And I said, you know, I'll, I'll, if we wait until tomorrow, I'll go cause like, all right, the bra was off. I didn't want to put the bra back on. every woman listening is like, well, once the bra's off, you're in for the night. I'm going to tell you right now, we're in for the night. These ladies are out. Yeah, you're speaking to our crowd right now. So, and that was actually when he asked for the keys. And so I said, all right, let's go. We'll go get your cigarettes. So I drove him to the store. He had a cane. I made him go in and like, I was like, I'm sitting here cause I'm at the brawn. I'm not getting out. But you know, I know people, there are people who would say, what do mean you let him smoke? Like he doesn't have a whole lot of time left. Whatever he wants, he can have whatever he wants to do. He can do it's it's his choice. so, and yup, I actually bought him cigarettes when it was he wasn't he was no longer able to get out. So that's one example of how I know some people would have tried to control that and said, oh you know, that's what killed you anyway. Like we're gonna not going to do that. Let him have it. There's no value. Well, yeah, and think it would almost feel like you're taking the last little bit of control that he had. It's your decision. I'm going to do it for you. Yeah. em and he loved his scotch. Yep. And I mean, I knew that we were nearing the end when he no longer asked for the scotch, right? That was an indication that. Okay, we're gonna take another break. can't believe it's already time for a second break. We'll be right back. All right, everybody, we are back here with Yvette LaFleur. We're talking about giving that person you care for space and honoring their wishes. I like that. And that's hard to do as a caregiver. you know, I think always, I think about my mom and her with Parkinson's and I get a little overbearing myself. How's that for a letter? that time. Yeah, I'm going to tell you this. There was this one time when mom had had gone, we were you, you were in North Carolina, and I was down with Jay, and mom had had to have an appointment, a procedure actually, and we're on the way back, and she wants a hamburger from McDonald's. And I was absolutely like, No, you don't need a hamburger. It's not good for you. It impacts your medicine. You're not doing that. And we got into a full It was a was ugly and I'm sitting and I'm so glad that you said that because I'm Part of me. I don't even know Why did I care like she's? Just let her have the the darn hamburger and I'd use a different word if we weren't on the clean podcast and yeah, because I Here's the thing. I don't care. She's Parkinson's. She said everything taken from her, right? Why do I care about this? Why is this the hill I'm going to die on? It's the same thing. She loves to order dessert now. will dessert before she eats. So she will order, you know, she key lime pie. We go to the village tower when she visits Greensboro. She wants. key lime pie and then she'll order like maybe mashed potatoes and any more. don't care what she eats. If she eats anything, I'm like, mom, you roll with it. Do you want another piece of key lime pie? And I think that's so interesting. I don't, you know, if there are people out there that would say, I can't believe you did that, for those people that are listening and say, I can't believe that anybody would do that, I'm like, you have not walked on our path. You have not walked this path. And just to be able to make it through. oh Can I, cause something else popped in about the, um, that path is we actually sat down in January, uh, with a friend of his, the one who actually, um, confronted him about not marrying me and, oh now you're, Ooh, you got that look on your, it's like, what? Um, and another good friend of his to plan his memorial service. So we did that. together. And I think that was part of him accepting, knowing, and honoring um what was next. Yeah. And wanting to be part of that. so we had this whole conversation about what he wanted and he's like, all right, I think that's it. And I'm like, wait a minute. I want to talk. He's like, you want to talk? like, yeah, absolutely. said, you're going to hear from like, everything about Walter, said, but I want to talk about the man. And so before he died, I actually wrote what I wanted to say and read it to him. Oh, yeah. Man, that is, that's tough. There had to be like a gallon of tears. There were a lot from both of us. And he's what he said to me, and this speaks a little bit to where he was cognitively. He's like, I don't think I'm going to be able to stay in the room for that. I was like it. And so when I delivered it, I just said, if you feel a little swish of air going by, that's Walter leaving the room. my gosh. So let me ask you this because you talk about that, him planning that. When you all first, when you got married even, were you all, I know you're probably not thinking about this as part of your relationship 10 years in, but did you all, were you prepared? This is second marriages. So where you, had you done like living wills or plan? Had you discussed any of Oh girl, my husband did not like to plan at all. mean, I, from the time, from the time we got married, I said, we need to create a will, we need to create a will, we need to create a will. We didn't do that until January before he died. Yeah. Yeah. It's because even though, you know, mortality rates are still at 100 % we all know we're going to die. And as him being a minister to knowing that, you know, where he in his mind, where he plans to go. And yet still that reflects the humanness of us. Yeah. I don't want to leave you. I don't I don't want to leave this. I'm not ready. I haven't done enough. I haven't. And so I think there, again, this comes back to a friend who talks about precious time. Jennifer O'Brien. Yeah. And so uh she was the hospice, she wrote the Hospice Doctors Widow and talked about that. And I know you talk about hospice at the end and the last six months of his life and how that allowed you to have a different experience. Can you talk about that more? Sure. It was about three months that we were in, we utilized hospice and I cannot say enough about hospice. really think that uh people wait too long to participate and allow hospice to support. And what was beautiful about it is we no longer needed to leave the house for doctor's appointments. They came to us. We had uh the support of supplies. You know, we had, it was just, really added a quality of life that would not have been available had we have to continue to leave the house for anything that he needed. And the support for not just him, but for me, you know, to be able again, to leave the space, to go take care of what I needed to while they were taking care of him, to have. a voice of reason, right? Because I was the wife, so what did I know? Because, you know, I was coming from my controlling ways. So for him to hear from the nurse, yeah, Walter, yeah, he was able to hear stuff from them that he wasn't able to hear from me. I think that's very normal, though. keep saying that. I think that's so many people. can say a thousand. Tell Jason my opinion about things, and then he'll ask, you know, a stranger currently living under a bridge, like, what do you think about this? And I'm like, literally, we just talked about this. I have done the research. I've done all these things. And I think that's where having that additional support as a caregiver, caregivers for caregivers, to help with that makes it It's one less argument I have to have. I don't want to argue with you about this, even though I know I'm right. I did. um to throw it in Jason's good. This is why Jason doesn't listen to the podcast all the time. He was like, what'd say about me? Um, I love that. And I think, you know, I know that as is, and as he transitioned on, I know that you were supported by people who loved you. Yeah. And to make that, because I can't imagine how difficult that was and the support that you needed. And so, you know, if you, if you were to speak to anyone. I think it's different when it's, I think the, when the relationships are different, you're a spouse versus losing a parent versus a child, God forbid. And I think, you know, what would you, what advice would you give another spouse? Piece of advice I would give to a spouse who knows that the diagnosis is terminal, because this is, know, is to actually start bereavement therapy or counseling prior to the death. I felt that was one of the pieces that I sought because there is a, that anticipatory grief that happens is so real. We don't, we just don't talk about this enough in our society. We ignore death, we ignore grieving, we ignore dying, preparing for it. uh But as a spouse, it's important to feel that grief and process that grief. And there were lots of things that I took care of that many people don't even take care of for years and years and years after a death, because it was part of my process of grieving before he even died. So seeking that is getting that support for the grief that's happening before the death even happens is so vital. There was something that you told me when we met that I think it was a couple of days after his passing that you took his clothes. Yeah. So uh prior to his death, I had donated all of his casual clothing and, everyday clothing. But his work clothes I hadn't done anything with. And so the day after he died, my sister was in the house with me. And so we brought his clothing down to a secondhand place for people that are uh interviewing for jobs. And we brought in a carload of stuff and I went to the woman because I wanted the receipt for taxes. And she said, were these your husbands? And I said, yes. And she said, when did he pass? And I said, yesterday. And I watched her face and there was this judgment. was like went across the face. And then she said, well, bless your heart. Oh, the true southern statement of judgment. And, and I just said, you. And walked away and started laughing because I knew, yeah, I knew it was judgment, but I also knew that she didn't know that I'd been grieving for a year, that I'd been taking care of him for more than a year. I mean, for, since we've been together, but for this, for the sickness. And she had no idea what my path was. So bless her heart. Yeah. I, and that was walking away. realized that one of the messages, cause I, part of what I do is I share my grief journey because it's important to be, I could call it loud and proud about the grief journey because there are people who don't feel seen. And as they witness mine and read my words, they get to, um, experience their own and give freedom to themselves to feel their grief. And so when I walked away, I knew that was a story I would be telling over and over again that their grief timeline is different for everybody. You know, here's the thing, it's time for sister questions, but I'm just, I cannot believe our time's already up. I'm like, because I've let us keep going. um So I know, I know that I want to, I want to, I'm to ask my last question last clearly. Life after, life after it's been how many months since? Six and a half. Yeah. So this is very, it's such an honor for you to come and share this because I think for many people, our mom didn't, really couldn't talk about the death of our father, which was very sudden. um She still doesn't. Even, and that's, And so it's very hard. But, you know, I think about life after, and for those who are like, how do I move on? I can't stop with them. Any advice that you would give that you are still, cause I know you're still working through this. I see the tears through here, which I'm like, I love you. feel like you need to know that. Any advice that you would give because grief is so different. It's all individualized. So know that, but how is any advice you might give folks? Yes. Um, find your support, grief group, whatever it may be a place where you can say what you need to say where people aren't trying to fix you. Cause people want to fix you, placate you, and they also don't know what to say. So find a place where you can speak what you want to speak. Secondly, surrender to grief. I have found that the best way for me to process is when it comes in, I let her rip. And people will ask me, how are you? And I'm like, I am sunny with a chance of tornadoes. And that's like, that's what grief is for me. Mmm, I love that. Aimee. Sunny with a chance of tornadoes. Mm-hmm. I am also like a hurricane myself. And so I feel like I feel like I already have the name of the episode. I'm like Yeah, cuz honestly. Jay, what's your question? We took my question. That's okay. I mean I don't even know how to go forward. took my question. I do actually have a question. I keep forgetting my questions. didn't notice that? oh me, here's the thing. This is a heavy topic. eh Tell me something that was funny between you and Walter in the middle of all the hard. Can you think back to anything that was just like, cannot even believe this happened and you just start. Between the two of us or just... even you, whichever. So we did have an incident and this again goes with the cognitive challenges and there was a day that I, hospice was already involved and he had left the bed and I was remaking it and I looked at the bed and there's all these cat treats in the bed and the bags on the side table and there's cat treats on the bed and I'm like, was he eating these? And so he comes back in the room, you know, in his cane or his walker or whatever it was. And I'm like, were you eating the cat treats? And he's like, I don't know. And so the two of us just started laughing. Like what is there to do but to laugh in that moment? But yeah, we kept our sense of humor the best we could throughout it all. I bet you did. I remember my question. Y'all are gonna laugh about this so I can tell our listeners that because we don't. So I had a concussion last week. oh We're laughing about it. So I'm fine except I just have I have to remember. hurts mostly here. So this healing thing, maybe I could get somebody to slap me in the head. tell me about uh the energy healer, the Reiki. You were gonna stop me. So tell me how that you feel like has impacted. Ooh, good question. Your journey as well, because you've referred to it several times. Tell me about that and how you feel like that can help others as well. Good question. Because I really want to know about it. uh So I did a lot of self-healing for myself, right? I used the energy healing. also had friends who did energy healing for me, but we had friends who did energy healing for Walter as well. Now I knew right from the beginning, because it works mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, I knew that I couldn't do the healing work with him on the spiritual level, but I use energy healing with him regularly. And it was to calm his system down because anytime you're doing immunotherapy, chemotherapy, any of that stuff, it just jars your system tremendously. so I would at the end of his, towards the end of his life, I'd sit at the end of the bed and put my hands on his feet and just do the healing work and he would fall asleep. I would just give him such a sense of peace. And what I was looking for in that time, because it can be such a struggle, was to just give him that opportunity to relax and just breathe easily and be at peace. So yeah, it helped me mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, and helped him as well. Is there somewhere we can learn more about it? Sure, you can go to healingwithevet.com. Okay. All right. Okay. And we'll have that in our show notes too. Because I think, you know, I believe in looking at all different types of modalities and what are the things that help you get through and things that you may have said, oh, I'm going to try this or I don't believe in that before. When you get into the middle of this situation and you feel overwhelmed and you're just riding around in your dumpster fire, floating around, um I'm going to tell you I'd try anything to have a level of peace. Yeah. And when you can't sleep and you need your cortisol levels decrease. Yeah, it's a great way. And I think it goes along the line of meditation and the breathing, how to get regulated, but this is a different field. And we're gonna bring Yvette back and we're gonna do an educational episode about... Just staying here with me after the. Yeah, she's just, she needs to do something with your forehead. And so I'm gonna tell you right now. Okay, here's the last, last question. And this is the easiest one. What is your favorite guilty pleasure? The one thing that you do just for yourself. my goodness. I know it's so easy, it's hard. Sitting outside on my back deck listening to the birds. I love that. Yeah, the birds are just, they center me. They also bring me messages, but that's a whole nother story. And that's another podcast. Insane. I love it. Thank you so much for being with us. Thank you for sharing your journey with us and all your wisdom. I think you've blessed us and you blessed our listeners and I love it. I got peace from you today, so thank you. Thank you. Guys until we confess again, we'll see you next time. Bye bye. you Well, friends, that's a wrap on this week's confession. Thanks so much for listening in to the podcast. 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