Unmasking Approval Addiction: The Nexus of People-Pleasing and Narcissism

Ever found yourself agreeing to plans you'd rather skip, just to keep the peace? Or maybe you've laughed off a joke that rubbed you the wrong way because you didn't want to rock the boat. Welcome to my latest exploration, where Seth Wusk digs into the tangled web of people-pleasing and narcissism. This isn't your run-of-the-mill pep talk. We're taking a hard look at how seeking others' approval can erode our genuine self-expression and joy. It's about recognizing the difference between being a good friend or colleague and losing yourself in the mirage of external validation.

Join us as we challenge the notion that people-pleasing is a benign habit. The truth is, it may be laced with narcissistic threads, subtly woven into our interactions. We discuss the irony of how trying to be at the center of everyone's positive regard can actually push us to the sidelines of our own lives. I'll guide you through the maze of people-pleasing behaviors, illuminating how they stem from a desire to control perceptions rather than fostering authentic connections. With candid insights, this conversation is an invitation to step into a life where your choices echo your true self, unfettered by the need for applause.

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:01

You are listening to the Authentic Life Connection podcast, episode number 170. Welcome to the Authentic Life Connection podcast. I'm your host, seth Wusk. I'm a master certified life coach, author, personal trainer and nutrition specialist. For over a decade I've been helping people with their dreams and goals for their life and health. I've spent many years watching people get frustrated with their journey in life and giving up on taking actions towards their goals. So I dug in deep to find answers to why so many of us face this same frustration and struggle in life. So in this podcast, we're going to dive in deep on topics surrounding what it means to consistently live a fulfilling and authentic life where you are unstoppable in taking action towards your dreams and goals. So the only question is are you ready to start living your most authentic and fulfilling life once and for all? Then let's get started, shall we? Hey everyone, welcome back to the podcast For those of you listening and, for the first time, welcome. Welcome.

Speaker 1: 1:13

You picked a great episode to join in on because we're going to talk about one of my I guess I don't want to say my favorite topics to talk about, but I do love talking about this topic and it's the idea of people pleasing and I feel like people pleasing has become somewhat of a buzzword in the last two or three years, maybe five years, and it's creating a little bit of confusion. And just this past week I did a little post on social media where I was talking about how people pleasing is actually narcissism at its finest and it got a little bit of kickback which made me want to hop on here and talk even more about it, because I want you all to understand what I mean when I say that people pleasing is narcissism at its finest, and I think one of the reasons why people kind of push back when you say that is number one. People believe that narcissism is something that only diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder people struggle with, when in fact narcissism is a personality trait that I would say close to 100% of people on the planet struggle with, struggle within some capacity. Some just don't get pathologized with the diagnosis with narcissistic personality disorder, but there are a lot of people in the world that have really big struggles with narcissism and don't see it because narcissism has sort of been taught to us as being one thing, when in reality narcissism is a huge umbrella of things and so therefore we don't see when we are actually behaving in very narcissistic ways or thinking in very narcissistic ways, and also there's a big misunderstanding on what people pleasing is, and I think this is why this creates a little bit of confusion when I say you know, people pleasing is narcissism at its finest. So let's start with, I want to explain to you all, when I say people pleasing, this is what I mean, and I can't speak for everybody else, but the majority of coaches that I know that are really professional and certified and know what people pleasing behavior actually is would, I think, agree with me here.

Speaker 1: 3:23

When I talk about people pleasing, there is a big difference between people pleasing and doing things in hopes that people will enjoy it, people will be pleased with it. Okay, so let me explain, because some of you all might be scratching your heads here. People pleasing is very different than going out and doing something that you enjoy doing, creating something that you enjoy creating and hoping that other people that are kind of around that circumstance or that thing that you did will enjoy it. And you know getting pleasure out of the fact that you see other people enjoying something that you participated in, you created, that you contributed to. That is very different than people pleasing. That is very different than people pleasing, of course. It is very normal, it's very okay, it's very healthy to enjoy watching other people be pleased with something that we created or contributed or that we love doing. That is very normal and that's very healthy and that's what we're very social beings. That's what we're designed to do is do things and watch. You know, we enjoy it as well, but it's also it makes it kind of a little bit extra enjoyable when other people around us are enjoying it too. We're like, oh, wow, that's so cool, like these people are loving this too and I did this and I love it. And that is very different than people pleasing. And let me explain to you why.

Speaker 1: 4:50

When someone is people pleasing, 90% of the time they're not doing something that they even enjoy doing. Okay, but sometimes it might be. It might be something that they enjoy doing, but most of the time when people are people pleasing, they're saying yes to doing something, to creating something, to contributing to something, to participating in something that actually, if they were being authentic to themselves and their true desires and what they wanted to do with spending their time and who they wanted to be around and what they wanted to use that time for they would authentically say no, but they say yes to it because they are worried about what someone else's opinion of them might be and what they might think of them, and they want people to be pleased with them. So that's a huge indicator there. First of all, if you're doing something that you authentically want to say no to, but you're afraid to say no because you're afraid of what the other person is going to think about you, my friends, that is people pleasing. But there are some other ways we can identify it here, because it doesn't necessarily have to be that. Sometimes we can also be people pleasing when we're doing things that we enjoy doing, and it might even be a yes like oh my god, that sounds so amazing. I would love doing that.

Speaker 1: 6:04

But here's another way you can tell if it's a people pleasing behavior, it's because you can't even enjoy the event. You can't enjoy what you created, you can't enjoy what you contributed to and gain pleasure from it, because of your worry or your obsession with what. Are the people that are also experiencing this thinking about me? What are they believing about me? Are they pleased with what I did, with how I contributed to this? Do they know that I did this, do they know that I contributed to this and how do they feel about me when I did this? That's a huge sign right there. That is people pleasing.

Speaker 1: 6:43

And when the whole point of the task is that you want to feel like someone else or another group of people feel or think one particular way about you that you think is good about yourself, that's people pleasing, because you are doing something in hopes that other people will be pleased with it and feel a certain way about you because of that. That is people pleasing. And you can't even enjoy it if they don't enjoy it. See, this is a huge difference. I've seen people before that have done things and sure, they hope that the people that they did it for enjoy it, but if they don't, it's like okay, well, this isn't for everybody. So I'm happy that these people enjoyed it and these people that didn't enjoy it, that's okay. They don't have to enjoy it. And I'm actually glad that they feel open and honest enough with me to say that, hey, this isn't really my cup of tea, not really what I like. It's okay, not for me.

Speaker 1: 7:40

And you can still be pleased with your own participation, with your own contribution or not receiving any feedback whatsoever, like nobody even tells you whether or not they liked it or didn't like it, and you can still be like, hey, this is so great that I did this, I got to do this, I got to create this thing, I got to contribute this thing, to make this thing, to participate in this thing. This is a huge indicator of people pleasing, and the biggest thing is that if you can't let go or if you find it really difficult, like you're really struggling internally to let go of someone that experienced the thing that you created or the thing that you did or the thing that you participated in and either didn't give you acknowledgement or gave you acknowledgement that you perceive as being negative, that you find yourself needing to constantly go out of your way to like, try and get that person to like it, like leaning in and being like do you like this? Well, what if I had this? Well, what if I do that? And you literally find yourself not even really being able to focus on your own enjoyment of doing this creation, participating in this thing, contributing this thing, because you're so worried about this one person or these particular people that either didn't give you positive feedback or gave you quote, unquote negative feedback, and so therefore, you're unable to be in the experience of the event and enjoy it because of that that either lack of feedback or the perceived negativity of the feedback. That's a huge sign right there, my friends, that this is people pleasing.

Speaker 1: 9:06

Okay, you will know it's people pleasing if there is this inordinate amount of thinking and focus on what the other people might be feeling about you or thinking about you and your participation in this, your contribution to it and your collaboration with it, your, whatever your creation of it. This is people pleasing, my friends, and this is why I think so many people get confused when I say that people pleasing is narcissism at its finest, because it's not necessarily narcissistic To enjoy watching other people enjoy something that you enjoy doing and seeing them. Like you created something, you participated in something, you did something and you loved it. And then you're looking around at the other people loving it and you're like, oh my god, this is so great, like this is so awesome, that that's not necessarily people pleasing and I wouldn't call that narcissism. But when it becomes like you're obsessed with needing that everyone to enjoy it and if they don't enjoy it, you're you're worried and you're unable to focus. You're unable to concentrate, you're, you're finding it's very difficult for you to enjoy the experience Because either one or some people aren't enjoying it, aren't expressing enough enjoyment about it. That's when you know you've slipped into people pleasing territory. Now why is this narcissistic? Because you might be thinking well, I'm completely focused on wanting this other person to enjoy the experience. So how is this narcissistic? Because most people think that narcissism is like you only look out for yourself, you don't care what other people think, and in a way it kind of can be seen. But it's very complex here, my friends. It's very complex here because the human brain, the human brain, has some tricks up its sleeves. So let's define narcissism as what it actually is here, so we can move forward.

Speaker 1: 10:57

Narcissism can be defined as an inordinate in an inordinately sometimes I have a hard time saying that word and inordinately high sense of One's own worth or one's own self. So a high sense of self, of self-importance, and you might be thinking okay, well, how is it a sense of high self-importance if I'm worrying about what everyone else is thinking? We're gonna get to that. It can also be defined as an excessive sinking, a seeking of attention and admiration from other people, and it can also be defined as an inordinate amount of thinking and obsession Over other, over your, your own self image, what is what you are seen as, what you are thought to be? Okay, these, this is what describes narcissism.

Speaker 1: 11:51

Now, this is where I say that people pleasing is Narcissism at its finest. Now, am I saying everybody that's a people pleaser has narcissistic personality disorder? No, I am not. But people pleasing is a narcissistic behavior. And here is the reason why, when we are people pleasing, we are not being honest about our yeses and no's, we are not showing up as our true self, and we're doing it Because we have this image of who we think we should and have to be in order to be good enough, and we're so obsessed with needing to be that and being seen that way that we will be dishonest about our yeses in our nose and we will use tools and tactics to manipulate another person's opinion, view, thoughts about us all, for the objective of relieving that tension, that feeling of worry about what this other person might be thinking about you.

Speaker 1: 13:00

Can you see now how this is narcissism? Because, even though we say we're focusing on the other person being happy, the reason why we're doing it is because we're actually focused on our own desire to feel good about ourselves Through how we perceive another person is perceiving us. And it goes even further than that, my friends, because here's the thing when we go into a situation, when we contribute something to a situation, we create something. When we participate in something, most of the people around us are Not thinking about us at all. They're not, and if they are having a thought about us, it's also based in a story that's actually really about them, and in people pleasing, we put so much weight on our own importance in this other person's experience of life, experience of that circumstance, experience of that whatever it is we, when we are people pleasing, we truly believe that we are at the center of the universe of all of the people around us, that they are looking at us to help them feel good and that they're incapable of feeling pleased without us doing something for them because we're apparently in charge of their emotional experience of life.

Speaker 1: 14:21

That's narcissistic, and we think that these people are thinking about us and worrying about our image of us, when in reality, they're probably actually more so worrying about themselves or thinking about something else that has nothing to do with us and when we are people pleasing, we literally plop ourselves right, smack down, in the very center of the universe, of everyone's thoughts around us. The importance of everyone's thoughts around us being revolved around us and what they think about us and how they think about us and how they feel about us. We become so self-important when we do this, when we lie about our yeses and our noes, because we think that this other person's image of us is going to provide them pleasure, going to provide them a good life or whatever it is that we think that we're a pleasant experience. We make ourselves so self-important in these situations. We think that people around us are really thinking about us a whole lot more than they actually are. And, my friends, this is narcissism right here. And this, my friends, is why I say people pleasing is narcissism at its finest.

Speaker 1: 15:35

We are out here doing and doing, and doing and doing, and we're saying that we're doing it for other people, but the reality is, when we really check in with ourselves, we're doing it to try and relieve that worry, that wonder, that fret about whether or not the people around us like us or think we're a good person, and the truth is. They might not have even formed an opinion about that Because they're probably not even thinking about us, but we think if something goes wrong, that it automatically is us. We are so important that they're going to be like oh well, they screwed it all up. My whole life is ruined, my whole experience is ruined because of this one person. And even if they did think that it's actually not about us, it's about their story of life and their interpretation of the experience and their interpretation of how that story fits into their story about life. It's not even about us. Then, even if they tell us you screwed up the night, it's actually not about us.

Speaker 1: 16:33

But when we people, please, we make it about us. We make that true. We make that, oh my God. Everyone else's ability to be happy and pleased with their life right now depends on me. I am the center of the happiness of everyone around me and we make it sound so innocent and like, oh my God, I'm just such a good person because I'm out here making sure that everyone else is happy and look at me, I'm so selfless. I'm so selfless. But the truth is we're lying, which is not selfless, that's very selfish, and we're doing so because we want the other person to like us so that we can feel good about ourselves, so that we can relieve that weight of worry that we have on ourselves about what the other people are thinking about us and tell ourselves they think we're great, they think we're a good person, so that we can then believe that about ourselves and my friends. That is narcissism.

Speaker 1: 17:29

So when I say people pleasing is narcissism, that is exactly what I mean and I hope to this episode today clarified for you all the difference between doing things that please other people and people pleasing. Of course we're gonna do things and other people are gonna be pleased. They're going to enjoy the experience and we're going to enjoy the fact that we enjoyed participating, creating or being in that experience and enjoying it ourselves along with them and being pleased along with them. But their pleasure is not about us. Their pleasure is not about us and their lack of pleasure is not about us. And when we make it about us, that's when we slip into this very narcissistic people pleasing behavior. So I want you all to really just kind of notice where do you say that you're people pleasing in your life? I want you to take a look at it. Do you find it? Do you still kind of tell yourself that this is a good trait to have, that you're doing it because you're such a selfless person, because you're so not self-centered, because I want you to begin seeing today that it's actually quite the opposite? People pleasing is some of the most self-centered behavior that we can exhibit.

Speaker 1: 18:33

When we do something for another person that we know is good and we can let it go and say hey, if they're happy with this, cool. If they're not, hey, I did what I knew to do to be good and it's okay. It's okay that they don't like me, it's okay that they don't think great about me. I did what I know is right. I did what I felt was good for me to do, what is an authentic yes for me to contribute to whatever for them, and we can let go of the fact that they might not like us, they might not be pleased with us.

Speaker 1: 19:06

This is when our actions for helping other people, for doing good for other people, actually become selfless acts, is when we can release the responsibility of the other person's emotional experience of it. That doesn't mean we don't care. We can do something for someone and they don't like it and we can think, oh, that sucks, that they don't enjoy that, and I'm sorry that they don't enjoy it, but we don't feel bad about ourselves for it, and we don't go around and be like, oh well, now I've gotta do a bunch of inauthentic things because I can't leave it like this. Nope, can't let that stand, that this person doesn't think I'm amazing and doesn't think I'm great, and I haven't done enough for them to please them, so I better go do something else.

Speaker 1: 19:44

That's when we start slipping into people pleasing. That's when we slip into people pleasing and that's when we become narcissistic, because it's about us feeling good about ourselves. It's no longer about us doing an authentic act for another person and allowing them to either like it or dislike it, and if they dislike it, it's okay. We don't have to do it again for them. If they like it, yeah, maybe we decide we wanna do it again for them sometime, maybe we don't.

Speaker 1: 20:08

But it's first of all being true about your yeses and your noes and what you want to do and don't wanna do, because being inauthentic, that's people pleasing. That becomes narcissism, because why are you lying about it? Because you want the other person's opinion of you to be high, so you can feel better about yourself so you can bolster your own self-image. That's people pleasing and narcissism. But when we can do something for someone and just release the responsibility of whether or not they feel great about us afterwards, that's when we can truly do selfless acts of maybe possibly pleasing other people, but it's not people pleasing. So I want you all today to see the difference there, the difference between doing things that other people are pleased with and people pleasing Two very different things, and it's very important that we clear that up.

Speaker 1: 20:55

Take a look in your own life where you're calling things people pleasing. Take a look in your own life and look at the places where you're not calling it people pleasing, but you're saying yes when you wanna say no, you're saying no when you wanna say yes and you're doing things hoping to elevate your own opinion of yourself through what you think another person thinks of you, because that is people pleasing, my friends. And people pleasing is not a selfless act. It is narcissism at its finest, because it is an over obsession with your own image of yourself and you feeling good about yourself through other people looking at you in a certain way. That is narcissism, my friends, that is the definition of it and when we can all get comfortable with recognizing that narcissism is a behavior pattern that all humans, all humans fall prey to and we can release that guilt, that shame around oh no, I'm not narcissistic. Yes, you are. You are my friends, you're narcissistic, I'm narcissistic, you're narcissistic. And when we are aware of that, we can do something about it. We can notice when it comes up and we can de-center ourselves and we can make it actually about the other person and releasing the responsibility of needing to be liked and actually doing what's an authentic yes that's good for them, or an authentic no that's good for them, without needing recognition, without needing to know whether or not the person likes us afterwards or has a certain image of us afterwards. That's when we can truly step into doing selfless acts of good for other people and when we can start putting our own narcissism into check. So, my friends, I'm at the end of this episode. That's what I wanted to share with you all.

Speaker 1: 22:27

My whole entire point of creating this episode is that I want to clear up, first of all, why I say that people pleasing is narcissism, and I also wanted to clear up for you all today what people pleasing is, so you guys can understand where you're doing it in your life and why it's not a behavior you want to hold on to. It's not something to admire yourself for, it's really not. So I love you all. That's what I'm going to leave you all here with. If you have questions for me about this because I know this is a very controversial topic a lot of people whenever I talk about this, they're like oh, but what about? Oh, but what about? So send me all your oh, but what abouts? Let's talk about it. Let's open up the conversation around this.

Speaker 1: 23:04

I'm not here to say I'm right and everybody else is wrong. I'm here because I want to open up the conversation. I want to talk about the narcissism behind people pleasing. I want to put people pleasing out there in a light where people can see that truly for what it is and kind of release its grip on us as humans, causing us to be out here acting in such narcissism and feeling trapped in lives where we're constantly saying yes when we want to say no and no when we want to say yes.

Speaker 1: 23:28

So I want you all to be authentic. I want you all to really be able to do things that are good for other people because it's also good for you, and not have it come from the space of complete narcissism, but really being able to do selfless acts of good for other people and get out there and contribute things that you're excited about in life and release the responsibility of needing to be loved and liked by everyone for it, because that's where the rubber hits the road and that's when living starts really happening. I love you all. That's all I've got for you. I'll talk to you again here next week and until then, ciao. Thank you for joining us today. I hope you enjoyed the content of this podcast. If you did, please subscribe so that you're one of the first people to know when I release a new episode each week.

Speaker 1: 24:13

If you have any questions, or if you have interest in learning more about the coaching that I do with my clients one-on-one, then just head over to my website at wwwlifecoachsethcom. That's wwwlifecoachsethcom. There you're going to have the ability to reach out to me for questions that you might have or to book your free discovery call with me to discuss what one-on-one coaching with me might be like for you. You can also check out and order your copy of my book to get a taste of what I'm all about as a person and as a coach. I'm so happy that you joined us today and I hope to have you here again next week. So until then, let authenticity be the guide to your most unstoppable and fulfilling journey of life.