Yeah, I don't even know where to start. It is almost six months into the year. we're in May. May is always, I think may recently it's been a significant month because it is the year of my sober anniversary, two years may tenth. And they often say things like, you know, often I hear like you're exactly where you need to be you're we're like, this is as expected sort of deal. And I think where I'm at is very much like, this is it? But it's also very clear when I think about my sense of just maybe flat, you know, energy that I'm not really taking a lot of action to change that. I was thinking this morning that that's part of the reason why maybe I feel like a little bit flat that I'm not you know, what actions lately have I've been taking to change that sort of degree of stale chipness?
Jill:Yeah. But, but still interested in going to chew on the stale chips because you want the crunch. There's still just enough crunch.
Shakira:Maybe, there's one at the bottom of the bag? Maybe I'll find one good one.
Jill:But I gotta eat all of these to get to it.
Shakira:Just to make sure that this exactly what it is, which is a little stale.
Jill:Good descriptor. I think that I hear you in the stale part, even though I just got off of a trip. But I mean, the trip was great. Everything was awesome. But I hear you and just feeling like I'm stale. Because I feel like there's a bunch of stuff that I want to do. And for whatever reason, I'm just not like, like you said, taking the actions to do that. I'm not doing anything to improve. I shouldn't say anything. I want more. Let's say that I just want more.
Shakira:No, that's always the case. It's never enough. Whatever it is, it's never enough. I was thinking this morning, how like yesterday was an interesting day, but like not at the same time. I'm in this group chat with two girlfriends. And we often check in on each other, usually around like dating and stuff. We're all three single women in our 40s, various points in our 40s. And there's always, you know, like, it's just always interesting how, you know, one may be dating and other one isn't, one's really ready to date. Another one is over it. You know, one could care less like it's just, it's just a really interesting dynamic to sort of follow each other through like these highs and lows of what is where we are. And, you know, the beginning of the conversation yesterday morning, we were talking about girlfriends and particular and both of them are no longer in Chicago. one has been in a different state. For gosh, I want to say maybe close to three or four years and another one, about the same time. And we often talk about how difficult it is to make friends when we're adults. And in the description the one gave, you know, she's got some some neighbors she met up with them. They hung out, and there is this one person who constantly makes her feel insecure, she says and just kind of makes her feel like like she can never like I always think of I'm thinking to like Mean Girls like she's like Nice, nice, nasty. You. I mean, like, Oh, nice, but that same time will say something that's like, what did you just say what I think you said like? Did you just hurt my feelings. And I'm now just catching up to it, or do I feel smaller as a result of something? Why did you do that sort of thing. And so as she was talking about it, I was getting more and more triggered. Like, I'm like, I will fuck her up. You know what I mean? I don't know this person but I'm like, I can't wait to come visit you because I'm gonna fuck her up. You know, and then I started realizing like, I'm really upset about the fact that this person keeps saying those things to her. And the girls fine, the one friend who was telling me the story, she's like, it's fine. You know, she's not a bad person. She just you know, occasionally makes me feel like shit. or says something that makes me think like, Wait, did she really say this? And I think well, I'm not sure what that did. But I feel like it shook something loose in me yesterday to where I started to feel maybe I'm making my life small and it comes out in weird ways. it comes out in the way I want to manipulate and control everyone else's life around me because I'm, I don't want to maybe manipulate and control or maybe face some feelings I'm encountering. And that's where the last 24 hours have been. What are you doing? Where are you making? Where are you resistant to your life getting bigger, really? Because it's not so much that I'm that there are things aren't things that I can take action on to expand. It's that I am holding off, and very tightly, and maybe even subconsciously, to the smallness that I'm comfortable with, which is you know, the current state. I don't want to be uncomfortable so that's where I'm at.
Jill:Yeah, yeah, no, I hear you. Because I was thinking about the conversation that we had before I left on my trip where you were talking about not wanting to go to a event that was going to be at a brewery that you were interested in. But you didn't want to have to be in the situation around alcohol, because you weren't necessarily sure how you were feeling. So when you were talking about how, keeping yourself small, because in the situation that you're currently in, and I'm saying all of this, because I'm reflecting on my own self, so know that that's where it's coming from, it's clearly a mirror for me, so thank you, but you can control the smallness. you can control all of the things that you know, in your surrounding environment. And you can keep all of those things exactly where they are, because they're comfortable that way. So stepping out and doing something bigger, doing something more is scary. Because you can't control it, you can't control the outcome.
Shakira:Yeah. Yeah. There's also maybe a little bit of there's a lot of actually me not wanting to take the time with myself to really sit. And I don't know if it's documents the right word, but identify the parts, like the decisions, you know, the very what seemed like small decisions that lead me to exactly where I am today. Or in that moment, you know, in the 24 hours, not like my life experience has led me to where I am today. So, to give you an example, I can't think of an example right now that I'm want to share.
Jill:Yeah. No. And I liked how you said, like, sort of like where you're at for like, the last 24 hours and what you've been reflecting on? And I think for me, what I'm reflecting on is, what is it that I want to be about. Because I get caught in the the old saying of do as I say, not as I do. But then everything that I see that I admire is doing the things that I do, or sharing and showing what it is that you're about. Rather than having like this sort of imposter syndrome of hey, I can talk a really good game, but I'm not living the life that I'm telling you to live. What's the life that I want to live? What are the things that are important enough to me that I'm going to invest that time and be consistent with because this is what I'm about? I feel like I'm about a lot of things. What are the things that are important enough to me that I'm going to spend time with myself to be able to do that, if that makes sense?
Shakira:It does. I am thinking a lot about that in the context of intimate relationships lately. And it may just be because those two friends and I have been talking a lot about them. And one in particular, who's like on the cusp of what I like to call new romance. And you know, one of the things that I was thinking about in relationship to that is like, what are the kinds of people that I admire? Whether it be in like photonic or intimate sense. And what am I looking for in that person? And when I asked that question of myself, like, what am I doing that looks like the kind of person that I'm attracted to? I don't know if I have a full answer for that. Like, I don't know, if I can align, you know, I can't directly align, like what I'm doing that would make me attracted to me, if that makes sense.
Jill:It makes perfect sense. It makes perfect sense, because that's exactly where my head is at to is like, I'm here now at 47. Unaware of how to have a relationship with myself.I think for me, it's the exact same thing, what is it that I want? And what is it that I'm doing to nurture and to love myself? What does that look like? And I have a yes, it's still inquiry on what is it that I want? What is it that I'm looking for? How do I do those things within myself? How do I trust myself to be able to do that? How do I allow myself the time to be able to do that, and not give my time away to someone or something else? And fall into that same trap of well, you don't deserve it, you're not worthy of it, you're not enough, you know, like, really focusing on that relationship with myself.
Shakira:I have like three things that I want to ask you or that are in my head that immediately popped up when you asked that question about yourself and really what this is turning into which is a reflection on are we still in love with ourselves, you know? Like if you were gonna ask yourself that question of your marriage, like do I still love this person. You know, and maybe yes, it's a yes. Right. Like clearly you and Jeff still love each other. You spent a whole hell of a lot of time with each other for the last few years and even just got back from a long trip with each other and you've been married for a long time. But when I think about reflecting that question back to me, 1) am I still in love with me or am I in love with me? And then 2) do I still like me? Do I like me right now? You know, I think I'm all right. Like that's kind of what I'm if I was to look in the mirror and I'm looking at myself right now, like I think you're doing I think we'd like you right like, yeah. But it's with a question mark.
Jill:Maybe like two question marks and then an exclamation point.
Shakira:You're fine.
Jill:you're fine. But then it's just like, I love this question. Do you still like yourself? Because I feel like in this state right now, my answer is going to be not 100% and you're fine. But I don't want to be fucking fine. I want to be better than fine. Fine is just, I feel like fine is below mediocre. And I don't like that.
Shakira:I mean, would you leave you right now? Like, would you leave you?
Jill:Yeah! Bye! Yeah. If the door hits your ass on the way out, you deserved it, hustle. That was a great question.
Shakira:I'm crying. You said fuck me.
Jill:Well, I mean, think back to what we were talking about earlier in feeling that staleness or that whole meme of the person like getting jostled around on the tilt a whirl thing? It's just like, Fuck, get a grip bitch.
Shakira:You're over you. Okay. All right. So if you were gonna leave you, who would you go to? What would that person look like?
Jill:That's a great question. Like you were talking about, what are those traits? If I'm attracting somebody new to me? I don't know that answer. I liked that. And I'm gonna, that's gonna be my takeaway. But I think it also goes back to the things that I want to be about.
Shakira:Yes, yeah. So if you were out on the streets looking for a new you, what kind of qualities would you be looking for?
Jill:Great. I'm gonna think about that question, because I don't know the answer to that just yet. And I think I do have a lot of those qualities in myself. I'm just being extremely harsh with myself right now. Because that's kind of the funk that I'm in.
Shakira:So you might have broken up with yourself a little too soon I might. Okay. All right. So you need to come back you what you want to reopen that door. Reel it all back in. Circle the block as the kids say.
Jill:It's kind of one of those things was like, Okay, I get it. I've put in a lot of work already. You're right. I don't want to throw this away just yet. Are there some tweaks?
Shakira:Exactly
Jill:Are there some concessions? Are there some compromises that I can make with myself to just accept and move on?
Shakira:Right, maybe you need a little couples counseling with yourself, you know, little therapy? Yeah, a little.
Jill:I think that's probably best
Shakira:a little digging in, you know, what's really going on here? Can we can we, you know, resolves up the right word, but that's kind of what I'm thinking, you know, can we resurrect this relationship? Can we
Jill:Can we can we, right? Yeah. Because I don't feel like divorce is on the table. I don't think separation is on the table. No, but there definitely needs to be some work for this to like, come to a common ground.
Shakira:Oh. One of the things I was watching yesterday and I love the way, that for me, the universe God, whatever you want to call it appears and like the most bizarre shit, you know, a tick tock feed or a YouTube video. And I've been watching a lot of this diary of a CEO guy who interviews and I can't think of his name you would really like him though. his interview style, really thoughtful, great questions. I forget that 90 minutes have passed with a particular person that I may or may not have heard of, but he was interviewing, I think Mel Robbins is her name. and she was talking about, well 2 things; one the five second rule. which another friend of mine who had given me the insight into she called it 3, 2, 1 rocket . 3, 2, 1 takeoff. Which is similar but she was talking to me about that in regards to not wanting to get up in the morning at all. Wanating to hang on to my bed and the way that she does it every day is you know when or when she starts to feel herself wake up and she wants to lay in bed she'll say three to one rocket and then just jump up out of bed and get moving. Which was really helpful. I did it a few times and I fell back asleep so clearly something to work on.
Jill:Try Mel Robbins and her five second rule because hers is 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 action.
Shakira:Yeah, yeah, I'll give that a shot. Maybe I just need a couple more numbers. The other thing that she talked about that really resonated was the giving yourself a high five in the morning first thing and how, after a certain period of time, when she would get up and like, turn the corner to get into the bathroom, she was like actually anticipating and excited to see herself reflected back in the mirror, because she got to like, pump herself up, rather than sort of this looking in the mirror at the self. And, you know, recognizing, I think she put it as like, there's two people in the bathroom with me, there's me and then there's the person that's looking back at me. And when she turned the corner to see herself after a while to give herself that high five, it like was sort of this motivator in a way that we get that little dopamine drip or giving someone else a high five, and I thought it was really brilliant. And something that I want to incorporate in my routine because there is a little bit of the staleness is really about me, because I'm not allowing myself to look at me, it's something I can work on is maybe just saying, like, Girl, you're good. You know, high five you got this. Let's go bitch, like, you know, come on girl.
Jill:Right, right. And then the next question is okay, well, what's the next best thing that I need to do to take care of me?
Shakira:Exactly. Yeah, yeah. How are we gonna love on that girl?
Jill:Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I like her. I've been following her for years. And she's actually got both of those books on the habit and her high five. She does a podcast now too.
Shakira:I'll send you the link to that interview. It was really good. I revisited again today. Yeah, I think. Yeah, you have a take away?
Jill:Yeah. Find out who it is. If it ain't me, yeah, who is it? It is mostly me. But what's the next evolution to my elevated self? Like you said, that bigger person that I know that I am. That is just like, hiding down. That's beneath the surface. So yeah, that's my takeaway. Explore. how about you?
Shakira:I'm reflecting a lot on this person that I haven't identified that I'm attracted to, and what qualities that person has that I already either have or that I'd like to cultivate. So yeah, that's probably where I'm
Jill:Yeah, and I yeah, I that's the exact same thing for for me, but for myself, not for this other person.
Shakira:Oh, no, it's for me. Oh, I'm using the other person as like, you know. What's the word? A model or kind of person that I want to be so when I think about someone I'm attracted to I think a lot of service is really the word that keeps coming up that I really am afraid to say for whatever reason, which is someone who really is actively being of service to other people in whatever way that looks for them like that to me is so fucking hot and then I think I look at myself in the mirror and I think like well what have you done to be you know of service to someone else recently? No a little self centered, a lot self centered these days, so I want to change that. I want to feel like I'm fulfilling on a whole.
Jill:I like that. Well, that was wonderful thing.
Shakira:And boom,
Jill:There she is. There she is.