Episode 27 | A Friend in Need

Ahead of the holidays, Stew and Zan discuss the male loneliness epidemic and being there for your friends in the context of a purported “friendship recession” over the last 30 years. 

This is where we’d put a hotline number if this was the end of a 90s ABC sitcom that just aired an episode with a serious slant. 

This episode IS serious although it starts very unserious. We just don’t know who you should call besides Stew, Ghostbusters, or the Lord. 

Enjoy responsibly and PLEASE take care of yourselves. You don’t have to suffer in silence. 
🧃🫂

Topics

• 2:55 - Bushel of American
• 11:25 - No Condom for the Heart
• 16:09 - Dude Compliments
• 34:27 - Silent Suffering
• 50:57 - Pallbearers v Emergency Contacts

Word of the day - Perfunctory

Intro Song: You Got a Friend in Me - Randy Newman
Outro Song:  Lean on Me - Bill Withers

Wardrobe
Zan's  "Don't Rest on Riches" Half-Zip Sweater

Transcript

0:18

You can't you can't gosh Randy Newman you did your big one He should the whole thing this up against happy Nah, I just don't like smoke happy, Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm just giving it fair shot of happy BFI. Fair, fair, fair. Welcome to the Lunch Break Podcast episode 27. Yes, sir. of the Lunch Break podcast. I just had to look that up as well. I'm still hearing the music by the way. I'm sorry, it's hard to turn it off. It's so calming. It is, puts you in a good space. As we say, welcome to the Lunch Break podcast, episode 27, with me and my friend, And today we're here to talk, he's doing the heart thing, because he, wow, I just popped up on the screen too. I was not expecting that. Visual with AI is something else. The wonders. So Stuart just did the hand hearts on the screen for those of you who may only be listening and not watching the visual. which I'm not even sure if we still post, but we will post today or whenever this comes out. This is episode 27, I'm saying for the third time, this episode will be entitled, A Friended Need. And that is why we started with Randy Newman, you got a friend in me. I don't know that we will be talking specifically about our needs and friendship, but really it's a time right now where a lot of people are hurting, lot of people need their friends and... We've had plenty instances in our own lives when we've had to show up for one another, show up for others. was fantastic at showing up and being there for someone. And we just think it's an appropriate topic given the season and the psyche of many people during this time of the season. So we've got a topic today. We'll get into it. Yeah, I think it's cool, man. We have some data, kind of the days of yore where we used to come in and talk about housing crises, excuse me, and black. economics and all this stuff, and we come in reading facts and data. We got some data that really kicked us off here. And I sent Stu an article a couple weeks ago, and I was like, man, this is just really all my mind. This is a prevalent topic or salient topic, and it's something that's really timely. And the article itself is from 2021. It was an article called the Male Friendship Recession. And it's speaking to recession, basically, right? We know what that means in economic sense, but there was a a study done or survey done in 1990 by Gallup and Gallup surveyed a bunch of Americans. Sounds real scientific saying a bunch. Yeah, know, a whole gaggle of Americans. And they surveyed a statistically significant number of Americans asking them how many friends they had. And let me get into the article real quick. So a key paragraph. back to back to back by the way. Was that statistically significant? Yes, she fell seashells by the seashore. So in the article, and this is a 2021 measurement in comparison to the 1990 measurement that's important here. So this friendship recession is particularly bad for men. The percentage of men with at least six close friends fell by half since 1990 from 55 % to 27%. the study also found the percentage of men without any close friends jumped from 3 % to 15%, a five-fold increase. I'd also add this, yes, we'll get three key statistics here. So that's from 55 % to 27 % with respect to how many men say they have at least six close friends. So that's cut in half over a 30-year period. Then... That second one was the amount of men without any close friends jumped from 3 % to 15 % a five-fold increase. And then the third thing here is not necessarily a statistic. yes, it is statistics. So single men fare the worst. That's the insight. But the statistic itself is one in five American men who are unmarried and not in a romantic relationship report not having any close friends. And that's what we really need to talk about today because you see the difference. I got you. So single men fare the worst. one in five American men who are unmarried and not in a romantic relationship report, not having any close friends. And we've talked about our friends who are single and how it changes when you realize like there's a point when living that single, and this is not bashing single people. I'm not gonna be like, you gotta be married. Like I'm not pushing that, but there's a difference when you have your subgroups of married friends or partnered friends and then single friends. And even the way that you spend time together starts to change. And then in that way that you spend time, you start to see a shifting and drifting apart because like, Hey, we're not going out to hunt anymore. That's not our primary function. And then you see that your friends who are single and still going out in that way, you just can't spend the same type of quality of time. And then that crease is pushed. initially still, what are your thoughts on this male friendship recession? You got a million friends. I could, this is just different. I'm not surprised if I'm being honest. think there's probably a few factors. We'll probably get into it later, but there's probably a few factors that go into that. The main one being like to our earlier point before we started the podcast, we're talking about how it's hard for men to be vulnerable with one another. But it's also like, it's also hard for guys to make friends with other guys just in general. Like I remember when you moved to St. Louis, I was like, make sure you get like a friend group, you know what saying? Mm-hmm. That didn't happen. to have that community. I mean, no, but my head was in the right place. But yeah, no, I mean, think it's difficult for guys to be vulnerable. There's not a ton of spaces where guys can just kind of come together and like, just chat, talk about whatever, just shoot the shit, whatever it may be. There's not a lot of spaces like that. And so you really actually have to, I won't say go out of your way, but you really do have to put an effort into I'm consciously and kind of methodically choosing and building friendship circles and communities. But I won't say I'm not surprised, but I'm also like those numbers really do hit hard. I can't imagine my life without, know, one of the stats was like, they don't have any close friends. And that is an interesting thing to me. And then I do have friends, then people that I know that, you know, have a lot of siblings. So they don't have a lot of close friends. Their siblings kind of serve as both. or cousins serve as both, which is interesting. But yeah, I mean, like I said, I'm not surprised, but I think there's more there to kind of delve into about how we got here and maybe even like what are solutions for guys, especially as the holidays do come up. I'm sure there's also like suicide stats to that as well, or mental health stats that go to that as well that are really affecting guys as well. Yeah, you've got the, love that you mentioned solutions. I hope that we can get to a solution oriented podcast. I don't know that we have many, but we'll just talk about how we approach this. I, that wasn't my thought, but it would be great to give people something that they can actually be tooled with and armed with on the other side of this conversation or hour that we spend to go out and actually be able to draw people unto them, so to speak. Because your point about being intentional while building friendship circles and groups, it is. Difficult after a certain age so it's important to note. I think the original Surveyed group was up until like age 29 30 or so and then I think it I'm not I'm not a statistician or scientist I haven't done this but I do think it probably gets exponentially harder after 30 even like 30 is the time where it's like Okay, if you don't make them by 30 then you might be screwed because the older you get is just so much more difficult and less I've said this recently. I don't know to whom I do know to whom, but I will not mention them. And the individual was talking about, and a friend of mine was talking about love life woes. And this is a woman who was talking about it. And she, and I made a joke and it was actually, this is another one of the reasons I wanted to talk about a friend in need. although I wanted to focus this in on men because we are two black men and giving them something that we can leverage. But I had my woman friend come up to me and say, not come up to me, this was via text, but she had just gone through crisis, like legitimate mental health crisis to the point where she had to go into a 24-hour hold and checked herself in. And I'm so glad that she did that and was aware enough. And she's like, I was high functioning. People around me didn't know that I was crumbling and internally screaming and just like, just all of these things were happening. And I made the point to go check myself and I took that effort. in that and this is also a part of what I want to talk about is how do you show up for the friend? You know, we discussed in pre-pro that I wanted to ask how do you triage the situation when a friend comes to you and it's like what level of presence do I need to offer? Am I being a solutionary? Am I just a listening ear? Do I need to go be present with you physically because I'm scared that you may be a danger to yourself or others? And this friend shared the scenario and the situation with me on the backside of things. So once she was already released from the hold, And one, to your point about vulnerability, I was just so glad that she felt safe enough to come and tell me vulnerably what was happening. And she indicated I was the only person that she had told that even knows that she was in there. So then you have that weight that you carry with one, I'm so glad. Yeah, absolutely. You have that weight that I'm so glad I was the person you felt safe enough to tell. And two is like, am I the right person for this? What am I supposed to do with this information? So I. thought about the level of friendship that we have, which is very much built on humor. Obviously that's many of my relationships, right? Any of them that have any depth. And while I did my initial triage and really talked to people, did you get here? Like really deep, trying to pulse check and see where I could go with it. Eventually I did get the jokes to kind of ease the tension, bring some levity in as we kind of wove in and out of the seriousness and the lightness of the conversation. And one of the jokes was, I'm being long with it here per usual, but one of the jokes was about, all right, if we are gonna really be worried about love life eventually, and like love would drive you crazy. So with love literally, and not that she was crazy, but like, know what it is. So love drove her to this point of mental break. And I was like, well, know, people who are older go into assisted living facilities and find love later in life. There really isn't a way to find love. at this point in life besides the dating and the hit or miss and all that stuff was like I wish they had an assisted living for like middle-aged adults where you could go into the assisted living but then we got into well you know though have you seen those signs around Atlanta the billboards with the with the old older people that have STDs you seen it? yeah because older people have the highest rate but that was another part of the level of joke I'm like but you know then you also got to be careful because in those assisted living facilities people's STD rates go up But I'm like, you know, there's no condom for the heart, right? but, but essentially I'm like, you know, the just breaking the ice there was the like, if you could wear those spaces that you can actually go find love, friendship, and you talk about the intentionality of creating it, but it's hard to make them exist. It's harder to find friends later in life and you do it really well. So how do you, how do you find new friends? I guess is question number one, cause you do that. It's everywhere you go. Sometimes they find you, man. Honestly, not to be like annoyingly philosophical or anything like that, there's a ton of examples like, know, like Juwan, who is good friends with our friend group and he went to Clark and, you know, though we were close in proximity and he's a little older than us, like I didn't know him in school, but as time went on, we started to hang out more and more and even hung out, you know, just me and him as well. Yeah. it's one of those things where sometimes it just, it presents itself and, y'all have a similar school of thought on things or you agree with a lot of, either statements or music or whatever it may be. But, you know, my, my thing is always to be open to it. You know, I think, I think some folks are more guarded than others and that can be as a result of any kind of, life experience that could affect that or what have you, but I'm naturally open to. being anyone's friend, really, I mean, I have no reason not to. And I would say those places, mean, ours is kind of a cheat code. Like we went to school, we went to school. So a lot of those systems are kind of already built in. It's kind of the whole point of going to the school, really, is that you keep that network and we see it at homecoming every single year. I think those are, I mean, usually I would say just start with the things you care about. know, a great example, you know, I love Chelsea soccer and I go to soccer. pub on Saturdays and Sundays whenever they're playing the match. And you just randomly meet friends, you meet people because you see each other all the time. Like when the games or the matches are happening and you have that common thread of at least, okay, you guys love the same football team. So what else about you could I possibly like? You know what I mean? So, and then that goes from there to wherever else it may go. met a guy named Gavin. who just had a son when I met him last year. And we were bonding over that. Cause I, you know, at the time it was like, Hey, I'm, you know, I want a family plan and start to add to my family as well. And so it gave me a bunch of tips from that. So it usually snowballs. don't think you, don't think people should overthink it. It's usually having a conversation. There's usually a good vibe and, and then it goes from there. I'm struggling to be serious because I try to think of what tips did he give you with family planning, but we're not going to go there. Let me ask you this, Stuart, are you an introvert or an extrovert? I am an extrovert. And I figured so, right? I mean, I think I know that about you, you're asking for the sake of people listening But it's really important, think that foundationally, let's just give a definition. Introverts, extroversion means that you draw energy from people, people give you energy and introverts, your energy is drained by being around people. So let's just, the foundation doesn't mean you do or do not like people. And I know the billing of this podcast kind of talks about me as being misanthropic and not really liking people and all that, which is true in many ways, but I am an introvert. And that in and of itself has produced an interesting dichotomy and dynamic between Stu and I over the years. And I'll say I'm blessed to have had Stu to introduce me to so many people, because like-mindedness is one thing, but you have to put yourself in the spaces to find like-minded people. And as an introvert, I prefer to be by myself. And being by yourself is an incubator for loneliness, although being alone and loneliness are not synonymous. they can be and to your example that you gave of St. Louis, I was there and I knew nobody and I moved there without knowing anyone and your whole point was, hey man, get outside of your zone and go talk to people, meet people. And the people that ended up meeting were significantly older than me from all different walks of life and things, but Like once I want, I'm a relator. then, so once I meet with someone one-on-one, I can get really deep and I'll have great conversations with you. But it's just, I've got to be put in that space. And I think as we talk about the loneliness epidemic and how men who are your past 30, you may not be in spaces again, and you can't really like-mindedness. You have to go to spaces where you'll find like-minded people. And from the hunting standpoint, maybe you'll find a guy that's cool at the club or something like that. Yours is very sports focused in the example you gave so like if I'm from in Dallas or any other city And I go to a Giants bar sure but outside of that where would I go to meet people? Besides like I know it just occurred to me I think a lot of people try to be my friend and I don't know what that's like when you start a friend like how do you start a friendship? Fair, but I mean it and I go to a grocery store somebody or compliment me and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that compliment after I say thank you like it was that like was that the moment and But I think that we really have to think about these spaces and once you find the space, then there's a vulnerability. So it's one thing to be like, hey, I like you, I like you too, dude. But beyond that, needs to be, yeah, it's a mental now to do that. usually the end. Yo, them shoes are dope, man. Or those pants are fire. It's like, okay, you have a similar sense of style of something that I appreciate. So that's a trigger, right? Yeah. I think it's the when we're actually out though. I haven't noticed that. I mean, I'm not trying to be arrogant in this, but the reality is like, I get compliments all the time. And that might also be the issues because it's kind of perfunctory to me like, all right, thank you. One, don't want to, I'm a gatekeeper. I'm gonna be honest in many ways. I don't want to tell you where I got the thing that I have. Yes. So like, it's odd to me to do that. And I'm like, well, and I am genuinely appreciative when I'm complimented, but I don't wanna keep going or I don't wanna have to do anything but I gotta search you to find something to reciprocate and recreate that. I don't wanna do all that. And I do not lack for friends. I think we needed to say that. And I'm very fortunate and we'll eventually get to that space where I have friends and I do not lack. Although at times I say I don't, like the richness of the in-depth of friendships is a different thing. And that close friends thing that they mentioned in the article, I think we should talk about. But all this to say, Did they define that? Like what coast? Hmm. Yeah, maybe we'll stumble on the definition here. We've reserved the right to define ourselves for ourselves. So we got we can get there. So I when we talk about the vulnerability aspect specifically, though, and. I think about it's one thing to have a clutter of friends, a whole gaggle of them as we said on the front end, but it's a different thing to say I have friends that I can bear my soul with and I have friends that I feel safe enough to share my innermost thoughts. And sometimes you just need to get those thoughts outside of just bouncing in between you, God, maybe what I, you know, what the church is morning, what I'll call the enemy. Like you may have all of these things, but you've got to get them outside of your head. And do you have enough of those safe spaces? And men don't often, black men. from the environments from which we hail, do not often, are not often taught the language to express their feelings. So you've got to identify the feeling, then you've got to feel safe. You've got to know how to express it and then feel safe enough to express it. And then once that feeling is out there, it's like, yo, you gonna pick it up for me, bro? Like, what do you say to it? Like, it's here, we gotta do something with this feeling, now it's in the air. So how's that been for you when... it comes to being vulnerable with another man and actually say I am dealing with X and I want to share it with you and now balls in your court bro what we gonna do Yeah. I think some of the nuance comes from who you like, from where you almost say classify, but every friend you have has certain attributes that they're either gifted with or good at or what have you. Like you're a very thoughtful brother. So it's, I often find this easier to talk to you about that stuff. Mainly because, I mean, we've been through so much at this point. It's like, who else would I talk to about it? But. But like in a close friend circle, everybody pulls their way in that regard. But there's something that we do where we're like, hey, like, do you have room for this right now? Like, because I think that that's the case because, say that again. Yeah, no doubt. I mean, I think that the heart is always willing to help, you know, a friend out, but you're also dealing with what you're dealing with in life as well and might not have the space to do that. And I'd much rather have that. confirmation, then assume that you can take it on and then be disappointed at the result, which I don't necessarily think is fair. So I think context in that regard does mean quite a bit, but fortunately I'm not lacking those people either. And I often feel like whenever there is something that I do need to share, it's met with open ears. I will also say that there are certain things that I think people... people need to take to therapy. that's an important thing. in terms, in tandem, right? I think that needs to be brought up too, just making sure that you're taking the things that you need to take to your therapist, like a licensed professional. And obviously you want to give your friend context and talk to them about what you've been through. I'm more like your friend where it's like, I'll probably talk about it on the backend in a lot of instances. depending on who I'm talking to, which friend I'm talking to. And then also it changes when you have, when you're married and you have, know, your, your companion that's there every day for whatever those challenges may be too. So yeah. Yeah. So it's, it's, it's. Yeah. I always feel like, I always feel like, it's hard the first time when you're sharing with a friend, you don't know how I was going to land, but, once you get into the habit of doing that, I think. you get better result each time because I think everybody needs practice, right? You need the reps to be able to show up for people. need to be there for those moments, right? Those moments will show up and you'll know when it's time to be like, okay, look, I can really step into this or right now I can't. It doesn't mean I don't care about you. It just means that I'm dealing with some stuff on my plate currently as well. So it's not an easy thing to do though. I will say that. I mean, I think for me, I naturally talk too much. So for me, it does come natural. And you know, the worst, I mean, the worst you could say is, okay, that's interesting. And then move on. That pause was because I was muting to belch. So as you drink more carbonated fluids on your side. So yes to everything you just said and moving a little bit away from the like, yes, you talk more. And what triggered me in that, in what you were just saying was a thought about how I'm the HR friend. Hmm. Everyone has a role. like you talked about coming to me because I'm thoughtful and obviously because of the depth of experience we have as friends over teen years. We almost at 20, man. We almost at 20. Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, that's wild. But I realized that you talked about therapy as well. So I want to bring it to that in a second. But no, it's totally fine. All those things were great points. We'll get there. I remember everything you said. So you am the HR friend and I think my friends come to me, one, yes I'm thoughtful, so there's that. And I just turned 37 yesterday, so I'm thinking about crystallized intelligence a lot and this like this wisdom that I've gained throughout the years and I think people do value me. What's that? Thank you, that's fine. No, it's totally fine, we didn't need to. We'll get there eventually. So I'll say this on a birthday note, all that I want for my birthday is to be affirmed. I do not want another material thing. You see my background. I buy everything that I want for myself. I don't need things. Yeah, I don't need things. I just need affirmation. maybe affirmation is not the right term, but what I need is for people to tell me how I show up for them and how they see me. And in that, it helps me to understand who I need to be for those people in my life who are my close friends. So, and if you did not message me for my birthday or whatever, that does not mean that we are not close. There are people. Really prime example, and this is not a dig. Randy might not even know that yesterday was my birthday and I still look at him as a very close friend. I didn't hear from him I'm like, like everybody's not the type of person that's gonna save their friends birthdays in their phones. And I don't take that. My dad and my grandma did. My dad did not call me for the first year in 30 something years. And I was like, I text him today from church. He's like, he sent me his normal memes stuff. was like, thank you, dad. Love you too. Did you forget something yesterday? And he was like, my gosh. But all of that is like. Again, don't need anything but for people to tell me how I show up for them. And then that allows me to know how I should show up for you in these moments back to that triage. Okay, if you tell me I'm the friend that is always a constant, AMAT sent a message about always sharing gems and light. It's like, okay, I know what type of thing I need to be if somebody comes to me with a need and that helps me and guides my footsteps. beyond that, everything else is really just, whenever somebody comes to me with the thing, it's like, okay. HR mode, yes, I'm going to think through it because I'm a good listener. That's just, that's a gift of mine. But beyond that, it's do I need to be methodical and help them work through the problem? Or is it often it's just like, all right, just emotional intelligence plus prayer is my formula. And even if it's a really quick one, God, how do I serve this person in this moment? Mm-hmm. not about me, it's about serving them in the moment of need and at that critical moment that matters in point of care. It's like somebody came to me and that's why I keep using this triage terms like we in the emergency room with feelings right now and I'm trying to stop a wound. I'm trying to get them to the type of care that they need and on that point of therapy you mentioned, especially black men, everybody's not open or receptive to it. And the other thing I've realized, which I really appreciate in the heterogeneity of my friend group is that at least socioeconomic heterogeneity, everybody will have great healthcare. So now, yes, therapy is cheaper now and there are more options than there were within the last decade. But you think about, that may not be the place to rush and they still, you are that first point of care. You're the urgent care for people at times where they don't even feel comfortable. They can't talk about things. Like, I don't know on the scale of one to 10, how much this pain is, I don't know if it's radiating or if it's stabbing or like they have that language and you are helping people through. And I've sat in these spaces where the kingdom is, so Kingdom Men is our nonprofit here in Dallas. I'm gonna say our, cause I'm on the executive board, but you know, that is something that is extremely dear to me and the value of it continues to become abundantly apparent week over week. And in all the spaces where we meet up and we do more than just Bible study on Tuesdays. But Bible study on Tuesdays really does just become group therapy. And it's like, yeah, we're reading the word, but it's just people talking about the realest and rawest things in life that they are experiencing. And when you read the Bible, when you see Jesus' crew of knuckleheads and characters that are with them, that same thing is us. It's like, we are all over the spectrum in a different walks of the journey. Some of us are, you know, just we're all over the place. I'll say that. And we don't judge. And I think that safety of the space, it's why it's not recorded. We don't like, we have all the tools that record it, but we do not. we somebody hops on call, who was that? Identify yourself. We don't know the screen name. What's your first and last name? Because we want people to know that that is an environment where you can come and share anything judgment free. And it often takes an individual first bearing themself, vulnerably for another person. You know what? I might've dealt with that too. And then it was so crazy because we're still black men. So at the end of the day, you might get somebody to say something and everybody's just quiet afterwards. You don't know what to do with it. don't know what it like is laid out and I'm all gonna always pick it up because I feel blessed enough and gifted enough to be able to say, okay, there's nothing you could lay out there that I can't say something to. And I think that is by virtue of the type of jobs I've had, by virtue of the type of life I've lived. And Sarah Jakes Roberts actually said in church today, she was talking about the reason why many people have the beauty of breaking free from bondage is often that your testimony allows someone to know that it can be broken. and you share with them that, I've done it as well. I've gotten out of it. Like, it's not even about you. It's often for you to go and share it with somebody else for them to know it's possible. So I've just blabbered a lot. But I think that finding the space of vulnerability is often difficult. And beyond the difficulty is you've got to create it. You don't seek it. You create it. And people have to know that it's there even in your Jawan conversation. Like, I know some of the things y'all have talked about. And I've even learned some of the things. I'd imagine Juwan is giving me the social capital based on E-blood. Well, if this is Stu's homeboy, I could feel comfortable telling him, because I'd imagine they had, and he's listened to the pod and stuff too, but it's like, I'd imagine that they could have the same type of conversation with me. So my bad, I'm done with that. But yes, there's a ton of things. I, it's so interesting that this is, this is actually really timely because I had a similar conversation with Salim just talking about community. Salim is one of our friends here in Atlanta and he was just like, when I moved here, I didn't know anybody. So like, after I started to kind of meet you all and you all invited me, I mean, like I went on your bachelor party trip, I was at your wedding. Like if you would have told me years ago that, you know, I would have this like robust friend group. I don't know that I would have believed you. He's one that I would say is more likely because of his life experience or the life that he lived, that he's more to himself in that regard, right? And being able to have those safe spaces to share and to be open and vulnerable and protective and all of those different things, it's nice to see. I mean, I know it's difficult to your point. You do have to build that. And also, yeah, you have to put that out there. that you're a person that cares beyond the social stuff. I always say that, you you can really tell a friendship based on when things aren't going right. It's easy to be there for that job promotion, those birthday parties and all those different things, but when things really are rough and life really does get difficult, those are the relationships that really can save your life to your point earlier. Which is why I told you that before I was like, look man, I really want you to have friends in St. Louis, man. No BS there, because again, when you had your semester off from school, calling you to see how you're doing, checking in, things of that nature. That's the stuff that really does help you keep going. Go ahead. You don't have to raise your hand. Well, I think it's better for us to do that because we won't talk over each other. And I want to stop like, yeah, I think it's respectful, man. It's cool. so I, I want to touch on that point of kind of the point of need. Like there's, there's a difference between, in the normal flow, you know, you can always come to me. And it's the, there's a, there's a calibration and a friendship barometer of, okay, you need me. You're in crisis, whether or not you vocalize it or not, you have a need and we've got to be there. And. You talked about what I'll call the emotional heft and or burden of hat. Like, you, do you have the emotional capacity to carry this for someone? And I think we've talked about it in the past where Dr. Malik mentored me as I was dealing with the heaviness of all types of things, of carrying things for other people. like, yeah, create the space and step into it. Don't hold space for someone, create space, step into it, step out of it. And I think that I want to talk a little bit more about what does it mean when someone is in crisis and how do we actually help them? So one of the things that came to mind for me is the text versus the call. if some, you know me, like if you call me, that means that I'll call you like in the middle of the day and you kind of, your lights go up and like, what's going on? Like sometimes I just want to talk. It's really been really tough. here's an example. Liz. Maybe it was just yesterday. was within the last few days, Liz has said that she was like, we were talking about Ryan or I think I think I was reading the message from Ryan that he sent me for my birthday yesterday to her. And she was saying, no, I don't really hear about you talking to Ryan on the phone as much anymore. And you know, I just don't love the phone. So it's not anything against Ryan specifically. And what I explained to her was, well, Ryan doesn't need me on the phone as much now. And There were times when Ryan was in crisis and he was adjusting to being free and all the things that came with that and being released into this world that is ridiculous in all the ways. And he would call me in the middle of the day on a Tuesday and I would just drop and say, let me go be there for Ryan. And I think we should get, I want you to respond, but then it just triggered. want to talk about that story about the other homie that I helped out recently. I was explaining like, Hey, Friends, he's not having those crisis moments where he even needs to call me. But what is that like when a friend calls you or when you realize I need to call my friend because they're not them right now. They need something from me. Yeah, I mean, I think it's when you when you're when you've been friends for a long time, you can tell those signals when things just seem a little bit off. And the ideal state is you're checking in regularly so you are able to kind of see those signals. But obviously, you know, life be life. And so you just you kind of roll with the punches there on that. usually know it is usually that kind of gut feeling where you're where you send something that's off and the call is just like, hey, just checking in, man, see how you feeling. Cause this might, this feels a little off where I feel like something might be a little off and I kind of need that confirmation from you that you're good or if not, then you know, what's going on. Do you have friends who are silent sufferers? I think a lot of black men are just silent sufferers in general, I mean, period. can't even, I mean. I don't know that I'd be able to be good at calling it out or even seeing those signals because they are silence of a risk, but that's, that's kind of my point of having that regular cadence of check-in because if you don't, you would never know. yeah. Yeah. Where it's, it's like, I mean, I haven't heard from someone so in a while I haven't heard your voice in a little while. Let me give you, give a person a call and see how you know. heard you say that to me so many times. I just haven't heard your voice in a while, Yeah. called Mike just the other day to do the same thing, just to ask him about the house and all that. yeah, mean, that's, I don't know, selfishly, puts me at ease to know that y'all are good. You know I mean? You know, there's a guy that I've never met. I'm not even certain how, like never physically or personally met. And there's several people who I can actually say I've become very close with digitally and have not ever met in person. But I think a lot of that is because I bear myself honorably on the internet in ways that makes people feel very close and can identify with what I'm experiencing. But dude has been messaging me, because a lot of people don't know that I've been taking it. on month two of a hiatus from social media. And that's always interesting when you realize how many people really have a pulse on you. They still like, you were gone. Not even that I noticed that you were gone, but I didn't know why. Or maybe you just weren't looking at my stories or whatever. But this guy has been checking on me I'm like, OK, it's clear that you don't know me. So I haven't told you and I didn't announce that I was leaving. But it's clear you realize a change in my behavior and you reached out to know if I was good. And he knew that I was going through stuff at work, all the layoffs and all of those things. And I pay attention to people who have that. emotional sensitivity and intelligence to reach out to folks to your point, because it's not always as much as you want every human to be developed enough and evolved enough to say, I have a need, I'm reaching out to you. That other way of the welfare checks and the con, if you keep the constancy of contact, then it doesn't make you feel out of the ordinary to make that check to your point. But there's a lot of people, think I'm, when I asked about the silent sufferers, You have so many people that will not let you know, may not be taking the call, won't show that it's happening differently because they're highly functioning and there's a different level of how do you be there for them? I don't even know how to explain this because oftentimes for me it's just like sometimes prayer is all you can do for somebody. sometimes people aren't yet. Absolutely, most of the prayer I do is intercessory prayer. I don't pray for myself much, which... in and of itself is a blessing because I just don't need things. Godliness with contentment is great gain. And I'm so content that I do not need, I don't need anything from God because God constantly provides. it's like, just don't, I'm not there where I'm asking for things, but I ask on behalf of other people often. And it is more so emotional than other than like material things, of course. And there's so many people that have been on that deep prayer list of like, this person is not ready to go there with me yet. Mm-hmm. And I don't know how I can serve this person, but I know they have a need. And I need you to meet that need, God, or push me in the direction of how I can appropriately meet the need without making them feel uncomfortable. Because like, there's often you get that compulsion in your spirit, especially being an emotionally intelligent person and seeing so many different humans go through so many things. You get like, OK, you need me. And it's not, it's not in the way of arrogance. like, need something that I can offer you and I need to push you into this position because or else you might fall somewhere else. And that's been, know, bro, bro, and Cali recently has been dealing with some things and I'm just like, do I pull up on you? Like, what is the way to say like that? That really puts it in. What's the best way to serve this person? Cause I'm realizing they're talking differently. Their thoughts are changing. you. you try to, you try to show up without being too aggressive or too loud or any of those things. I mean, cause quite honestly, it's hard for black men to just ask for things, simple things. Can you, can you recognize? Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Exactly. And that's, that's a common trope within, you know, our community where it's I got it out the mud or I'm self-made, like all these different things, like which, yeah, sure, I guess it sounds nice, but as you get older, you realize everybody needs somebody and everybody needs something from people in general. That's just life. The more comfortable you get with that, the slightly easier your life ends up being. Small things like references or can you refer me for a job, whatever it may be. mean, I just feel... Like because of that, I mean, you actually triggered that point with the silent suffering, man. It's tough to show up when you're not 100 % sure what the issue is. But to your point, the prayer and the check-in just got to be enough until you tell me how I can help. I'll always probe, but that's a time in... And also sometimes it's completely evident. Like our friend who, you know, was on vacation, lost his girlfriend tragically in an accident and got back to the States and we got in the car and went straight to him as soon as he landed. And in those instances, you know, a fire alarm goes off in your mind and you're just like, okay, I don't know what that looks like. And that was probably a more aggressive thing. We just didn't want him to be alone. and he signaled it that that's the thing that I think he'd tell us we like he didn't flash his and signal or a stew signal but he was talking differently on Facebook this is many years ago now and speaking around about the loss we didn't know who was lost we didn't know who would like we just like hey let us know where you are let's go be present with you and Actually, like the hot this is actually holiday time to it was holiday time. It was time years time. Yeah Ended up being one of the better holiday times spent out of born out of tragedy, unfortunately, but like incredible moment. But that's the thing that I think about. There's a lot of your friends are sometimes I keep we keep saying your friends, right? But there are people who you have to be there for that are not your friends to the point. There are so many men that do not think they have close friends. And and there are many ways that I've had a guy reach out to me quite regularly. who I can tell need something, but doesn't know how to say they need something. And we may be at different versions of how close we think we are to one another. That's also an issue for me. A lot of people think we are closer than, and it makes me wonder in a positive dynamic, how have I shown up or presented myself to them that makes them think that we're closer? That must mean that they don't even have people like this in their life. Yeah. Yeah. people need that. it could be, it's always the smallest thing that people hold onto that you'd be surprised. know, just holding the door open or that compliment or that whatever it may be that people are, that person's a really cool person. You know, that I can see me being a friend to that person. and then you show up for them and it's like now we locked into this. Like I didn't even follow this. Like now you're on a roster of people or I'm in this with you and I've had. spent the night at the crib and was just like, yo, Stu, thank you so much for letting me stay here. I was like, I didn't think it was that big a deal. But yeah, I mean, we bros now, so it is what it is. And it's that easy often like becoming a bro and that's people I'd like to believe at their core. And this is where you get into legitimately the billing of the podcast. When we created it, I said, I'm a myth, synthrotic altruist. I believe that people at their core really want to help other people. Like I believe humans see humanity and others. And it's like, wow, I can identify with it and I want to help. But so many of us don't know what to say. And it's not monetary, like we think is gonna be a drain on our resources in ways that it never is. It's just time and attention. And so like that example of the, I'm gonna call him the homie, who reaches out and I'm like, man, I don't wanna have to be this for you, but you need it. And it's clear that you don't have anyone else. And a lot of times you've got to recognize, cause there are people that are bringing things to you. like, makes you think I'm the friend that you should be sharing this with? That was to my earlier point. Yeah. did indicate that that made where we're locked in the but You realize it's absent like you you reduce yourself and say you don't have it and and I I have the ability to serve this need But it's just like then there's some other things like I've got a friend that reached out to me last week He's like hey, man, can you drive me to the airport? I was like, we don't live anywhere near one another I had to be tactical with him was like drive to the airport and park there. They got a parking lot there I was like, got to Google it. Or I'm like, hey, go to one of the other, and this is within our broader kingdom and group. I'm like, go to one of the kings that don't have to pay premium gas and maybe live a little closer to you. let's keep moving different with this. And gas is really cheap here. But to be fair, what I'm reminded of right now is when he messaged me, he said, hey, Zan. I think it was, hey, brother Zan, you got a moment. And I said, it depends on what you need. I wasn't trying to be a jerk about it. I really meant that though. It's like, hey, there's something I'm not going to give you the blank check. There's some things that I can do right now. It was in middle of my work day. And then there other times when I'll drop everything. So a of weeks ago, I cleared my schedule to go help somebody. We have prayer calls every Friday. And I know I'm going heavy on the God, like, That is who I am. transformed. I am a different being. I'm one year into my lock journey next week. I really am a different human at 37, and I love God, and I love this community that I've built centered around faith. So we have a prayer call every Friday. Dude. most vulnerable space ever. we don't really, like it starts off where you're to be requesting things prayer wise, like the old school prayer line you hear about with old ladies, but it's like, no, then it's just because look, this is what I'm dealing with. and there was a homie who was dealing with something very specific that was, he does not have a vehicle right now and wasn't expecting to not have a vehicle and all of a sudden didn't have a vehicle and it's impacting his ability to be the co-parent or be a present co-parent. And I am not a parent in the sense that I wish I was, but I recognize how important presence is with your child. And I know how important presence is for him. yeah, and I'm like, okay. And the first thought was, well, and I text him because I was like, I'm going to pray for you. Cause I actually ended up being the person with the prayer that day. Like we rotated around. I didn't expect to be the person to pray, but I realized in that prayer and they're probably like nine guys. So you're trying to remember everything everybody said and cover everyone. And I said, Hey man, I shot him a text afterwards. I'm going pray for you very specifically. Like I may not have got to everything I needed to in that moment, but I'm trust and believe I got you covered. And then compelled. to say, can actually fix this in some way. And I had to ultimately outside the house for like two years unmoved. So we went and made that happen for him. And like, I'm like, hey, it ain't perfect, right? But I got a car that's here. Let's do whatever we could do to get you up and moving. And it's those ideas of he would have never asked anybody like, it's I'm dealing with this. Yeah, like, and you don't know to ask. It's just like, I'm dealing with this. I think I went too deep into this example, but my whole thing was, the need was there, I could help mitigate the need and I cleared my, like I had a mentoring conversation, I would hit my mentee like, hey, can we not do this today and move it to Tuesday? Cause like, I have a friend in need and I love that I've evolved to that person. Cause I may not have always been that, but it's like, that's the thing that people don't have enough of is those friends who will say, look, I can help you and I'll drop things to go and help you because you have a need and I don't want this to be harder on you than it needs to be. Yeah. in those examples, when we talk about this holiday coming up or the season that we're already in, because Thanksgiving, it's already been kicked off. But you have so many people that are writhing in pain because they have emptier tables than they had the year before. And they have strained relationships with parents and family members and don't want to... Like they just talked about this on Abbott the other day. Yeah, anyone wasn't close to their family. Yeah, it's just like you have, but you have that and people don't know how to communicate it. I think there's the check-ins are fantastic like you mentioned. the other thing is old people man They need it more than we need it I've been understanding that a lot more lately as like they they've lived team They've lived decades and decades and seen all of their friends leave over time, right? And they're like, hey just calling them even if it's five minutes means so much and I got off track here, but I think my whole point was about the like how do you in this season when people were dealing with seasonal affective disorder, dealing with loss, dealing with grief, dealing with all of those compounding things, how do you make sure that you create something for them or you check on them? Like what is the best practice for Stuart? Because you can't make a million calls. yeah, I mean, you can't, mean, and to your point, sometimes it's not a call, it could be a text and that's just how we communicate or a DM or what have you. It could be something so innocuous that it has a big impact. I'm always really big on, I'm always really big on trying to host. Whenever there's things like that, have people come over. I mean, we do a lot in summertime. We do it during the holidays. you know, we have a mutual friend here who spent Thanksgiving by herself and I texted her like, yo, like don't ever do that again. Wherever we are, you can always come with us, whatever is happening. Like we, we going to do it together. So I mean, that's always been me. it is not fun. I've done things given by myself and I'm an introvert, it is not fun. Cause nothing's open, there's nothing to eat. and Christmas. Yeah, no doubt. And it's absolutely not fun. But I do like the society is starting to get a little bit better with that, right? know, having the friends giving and things of that nature often cushions the blow of, you know, whatever, you know, missing family they may have. And, you know, my whole thing about, you know, some friends are closer than a brother, Proverbs 18 to 24. So I've always tried to create those spaces for people to come and share space and not feel alone. And I do a lot of those check-ins, especially here in Atlanta, just knowing that a lot of people are from different places and, you know, make it a point to kind of ask like, Hey, what are you doing for the holidays? Just so I know that you got some place to go. And if you don't, we can figure that out. But that's kind of how I do my part. Some people also suffer in silence. And so you deal with those things kind of at the same time. What I love about this conversation, although I hate it about the reality, is that I don't think this is distinctively male. I don't think so either. I don't think so. I think we speak from that position because we are. But yeah, no, I don't think so either. think this is more a human thing than anything. And when I think about that article, pardon me for a second, I gotta clear my throat. You know I had a lover playing in the back of my head. But this is New York, baby. So I... Now I'm completely on track. But when I think about that article and I think about the fact that it's like less than six friends and I would not as we're trying to be useful and give people information that can actually help them on the other end of this other side of this listen I'm not saying go out and find you six people. Right? Like there's was rather be judged by 12 than carried by six type of thing. Like I'm not going go out and get your pallbearers but I do think you actually need to have your emergency contact. And there's probably a piece of it where it's like, them know that they're your emergency contact. Because in that example where I was not, yes, but where I was not specifically the emergency contact for my friend that I was talking about earlier who had that mental health crisis and had to check herself in, don't, once she told me like, hey, you're the person that I'm able to tell this to, I don't know. And she's like, I don't even know why I felt, like, I guess you are that person for me. And I was like, okay, cool. Now I know to be that for it. So that's why I mean like, and this is not faulting her for that at all, for not telling me that is, but like the iPhones now have the, like, if you die, who gets all, who do you know to get all your data? Have that person that is that for you and the person that you could pull, like pull the bell on the alarm and let them know, hey, I need you. Cause I think, forget six close friends, just start a square one and just try to find a person that. And it may not be easy. You may feel like you don't have people, I'm like, everybody got a phone now, even if it's a digital person, like, hey, I feel close to you and I don't even know you. Like, please, please make sure you have someone that you feel safe enough to say something to, or even as, just be on the phone with me and we can just breathe. Like, I don't know how to communicate it, but just presence. And that's the thing. I've been in spaces where Like, so you mentioned job loss or you mentioned people, mentioned, you didn't mention job loss, but you mentioned endorsements for jobs and things earlier. And it made me think about how many of our friends are going through job loss and do not talk about it. And that's where this podcast really started, right? Yeah. I mean to you obviously, but to the world, it was frustrating. mean, you know, we underestimate how much of our identity is associated to the work that we do. And when you, that's real loss. Like when that happens, especially as, yeah. And it was during the holiday, was, it was two weeks before Thanksgiving. You know I mean? It was, it's tough. It really is hard. And there are a lot of people experiencing that right now. I mean, you feel it in the collective, but they won't talk about it. And you would be surprised how many guys would get on a call like, yeah, like that, that Friday call and be like, man, why you didn't say that you'd be looking for a job? Like we talk about this every week and it's like, the time they finally get comfortable, some of us aren't even comfortable speaking it ourselves to say, Hey, this is a thing that like to even come to terms with it as you've experienced, right? Like I've lost. Yeah. So, so. There are so many people that experienced that. And what I've seen is I remember being there for touch anything but mine. So just this is an inside joke folks, you won't have to, but that's, that's who it was. And that person lost their job. And I remember pulling up to the crib and I was very tactical. Like, I'm here to let's get it. Let's get on the resume. Like I will help you change some words around. Let's make this quantified. Let's do this. And when I got there, I realized this person was sitting in the den of depression. Windows not open. Mm-hmm. just kind of like house a mess. And it's like when you walk into someone's depression and you experience that air, you recognize, hey, the thing that I thought I was gonna serve you in offer is not what you need right now. And that happens when you lose a job. And that's just the thing. Like it's so prevalent in my mind of like, you've got the FaceTime, and this maybe will close out on FaceTime, because we're almost at time here. Like that's a key measure right now rather than. Calling is one thing and a lot of people can throw you wood voice or act like they're okay. You've got to be really perceptive to understand that. But then you have people who you got to lay eyes on and we have the technology to do so. like, like just being like, show me your space. Like what's, what's it look like in there? Show me the new career, anything like that, because it allows you to really see how they're living and how their, stresses are manifesting in a different way. And I think that's really, really key. Cause like I've said, let me lay digital eyes on you to really know. if you're okay, because you got people that are so much more close to the edge than you possibly could have imagined. And it might feel like a burden to be that, but it's a blessing to be able to be there for somebody that's in need. So, FaceTimes, how does FaceTime affect you in your small space during a pandemic? man. What? Man, that was a time where I would imagine that a lot of this was prevalent as well. And being isolated and having to be at home for the various cities that everybody was living in. We had a FaceTime call every Saturday at like noon. And we would just check in, lay digital eyes on one another, make sure everybody's cool. You know, what you got planned for the weekend? What was the meal for the night? What's that gonna look like? That's a fan favorite of Zan's. And yeah, I mean, it was something so small, man. It was something so small. Sometimes we'd have it, sometimes we'd push it. Sometimes we'd only be on there for like 15. You what? I would be pissed when we did not have it. Yeah, we needed it. It was an outlet. was the space that we created for us to make sure that we did check in in, but also bring light to the situation and, you know, really just discuss the things that were going on with us. So yeah, those pandemic face times saved my life. I'll tell you that right now at the time. It in a relationship that was not serving me. And to be able to have those check ins with my brothers, man, really, really, really helped me keep my sanity and also just kind of keep my sense of identity as well. So couple things here that I just got reminded of. You can afford to schedule the time with your friends. You can't afford to be absent of the space to have time with your friends. And I think a lot people, don't have time, schedules are tough, blah, blah, blah. Like no, having that regularity and that cadence is so important. like it was every Friday, I mean, excuse me, every Saturday noon my time, one o'clock y'all's time. Sometimes we moved it up or back an hour, but it's like, it's in stone. So having it on the calendar regularly. Yep. We know every Tuesday, 7 p.m., we call into the discord or we meet in person at the YMCA and it's Bible study like every Friday, 8 a.m. And you may not always tap in, but knowing that you have that space to tap in is so critical. beyond that, it's this. I actually lost my thought. That was a pregnant pause of me just trying to gather my thoughts. I'm vulnerable, y'all, told you. But no, think the space is one thing to have is set in stone. And without that space, it's like, do you go in and just, like, a lot of people aren't gonna sit in detail and I would say, hey, every Tuesday, we're gonna get on this call every such and such time. But it's like, you've gotta have something where it's like, what's our regular tap in point? I just think that's so critical to have that as something for somebody to say, this is the place where we come to lay it down. Yeah, mean, that's self care in and of itself, And I mean, I've had, I think we both have been there before, but where it was like, sometimes you got to find ways to let people be there for you, And I know that a lot of people, you know, have this pride about it that is not really serving them to shy away from, you know, someone taking care of you. But even if it's something small. like letting people check in with you. It really does go a long way. never know. You honestly sometimes don't even know you need it and you get off the phone or you read that message and you're like, dang, I needed that laugh or I needed that check in tap in whatever, however you want to describe it. That stuff I think is really, really important. And it becomes to your earlier point, it becomes more important as you get older, man. It really does. So start that habit. If you young, start it now because yeah. you were done, my bad, Well, in reflection on what you just said, let people take care of you is really, really prep, really important. I think we need to hear that and let it air out, it several times, let people take care of you. And I don't think as men, we think about it like I'm taking care of my friend. Like it doesn't feel right. Our idea of care is provider, often, but like your friends take care of you. They help you feel whole, they help you get to whole. Yeah. it's like mental health is one thing, but like mental wellness is where you want to be. And we like let your friends care for you. They care about you sure, but let them care for you and offer their care in the ways that they can. And one of the ways that I'm always seeking care for my friends is if I'm saying, let's go eat. Like to your point about that, that was my other point was like this, if it's a digital space, y'all need to do more lunches, do more dinners, man. Like that's the way to really get outside the club, get outside the bar. go break bread with your friends and have a conversation. And the things that surface in conversation over meals are the things that you really know, okay, this is where I need to check in. This is what that person is dealing with. there's not enough value placed on just eating and dining. I guess they're the same thing with your friends. Please go eat with your folks. Please, that's so simple. and just chopped it up. Yeah, y'all have that. Y'all have the regular play space as well. But like the meals and I heard somebody said this recently about like, man, you know, I went and did lunch and I've always been pushed to, I pushed back on people saying, let's go do lunch. And he's like, you know, there's a lot of value in doing lunch. I'm like, duh. again, black men just got to get out of our own way, man. It's the things that like, was a hegemonic masculinity and the things that we're taught that put us in this position of this is what it means to be a man in our societal structure. do us a disservice so often. And it's like, man, there's nothing right yet. Like it's so simple to go do these things. All right, got our bro. I think we've given some tactical stuff. We're not geniuses. I think we have really rich friendships though, which is good. I can say I have more than six close friends. I don't always feel that way at times and I need to be more honest with my friends. actually I'll say this quickly. I wanted to close out on a 37 reflection, but I told you when I needed more from you in the friendship. That's true. it's like, hey, I need you to talk to me more. And it was super simple. was like, hey, man, we'd like, and we're all going to grow apart and drift and go on our separate lives. And like, we do turn our partners and things like we talked about for first, first steps in helping us with things. But it's like, hey, yeah, it's like, hey, I actually, this is what I need from you. And everybody's not going to be there. But like, you were like, cool, got it. I didn't know. Like, but I'm definitely gonna step up. Then if you rotate it like, right, you can dial it back. You don't need to talk to me nonstop. But that's like just. Articulating that need is so important and it can be simple. You ain't got to be the most emotionally intelligent, genius level, elocution person. just like, hey, I need more of you and it's okay to tell your friends I need more of you, more presence because that's all it is sometimes. Like just text me a little more. I'm over here going crazy with my own thoughts. Look at us. Who would have known? Back when there's a dollar sign. What do you call me? Z-Bo and Smunny. So real quick, close it out on a birthday reflection, man. Birthday was fantastic. Really good time. A lot of people were asking me what... Yeah, it was good. Mike called me not too long after that. So when we got to valet at the dinner spot, I was pulling up the valet and Mike called me. So was like maybe 10 minutes after I talked to you. And I got a compliment. from the valet dude. I was like, hey, this is like, I'm Mike got to hear this. just happens all the time. Yeah. He's like, really like your style, man. You can see that in the car, but it's like, it's cool. This means I was giving it up from the neck up. So reflection, great time, horseback riding, all of that. A lot of people were like, hey, what are you doing for your birthday? And 37 was the first one where I really felt different. about my birthday last year, has an asterisk because of where I was in my grief and healing journey. But what I've synthesized in my 12 hours of being 37 is that it, 35, I think 36 is when you are grieving or mourning all the things you don't have or didn't do by age 35. Cause you know that that feels like a major midlife milestone. And then 37 is when you release all of that grief and mourning and you're just like, I'm just being, you learn to live more fully. And for me, was most of my birthdays in my life up until recent years had been celebrating me, right? For like the early aughts, you're really celebrating you. Then they transition into me celebrating what God has done for me. And now it is much more focused on what God is doing through me. And by that, I do not need celebration. I just need back to what I was saying, those affirmations of tell me how I've shown up for you because that continues to tell me I'm moving in the right direction of what God is doing through me. So it's a much, I feel so light. I feel so much peace on this birthday. I didn't need to go anywhere crazy or anything like that. Liz showed up and showed out and everything we did locally. And it was just like, no, I just feel like it's, don't even, like I don't care in the best of ways. It was like, yeah, I had a birthday. Like, you know, if you, like, but just all I wanna do is like. God is doing something through me in people's lives and I'm glad that I'm here to be with people. It's like, I'm glad I got another year to do more. I'm feeling good, man. That's deep, brother. Happy birthday, man. Yeah. More of this. Right. Yeah, you gotta ask what you want, Yeah. Yeah. So go, go buy my stuff. The new sweatshirt or the new quarter zip sweatshirt is out. shop.truluckcharms.com. I have not been on the internet, so I'm not promoting that way. I'm using my list and things, but. Go hit that purchase button y'all. We got Klarna and all that too. Pay by, shop pay, all of that if you need to hit installments. All right bro, what you got in closing man? Good pottin' with you. If you do nothing else, make sure that you check in on your friends. And if you feel like you don't have six, I don't know why six was a specific number, but if you don't have six friends that you call, at least make an effort to make at least one next year, or between now and next year. Yeah, go play in the sandbox. make some friends. The next pod, there's a long pod on that one in another cell. All right, peace and love, y'all. We're your friends. Mm. It's So full. Mr. Sims, I couldn't help that. just thinking about lean on me. How many friends you think Moria Freeman got? Close friends. time. But see, some of his close friends are probably gone. Sometimes in our life. Yeah You really need to listen to this song though, the words. Like, go look at the Genius on this. You might find something on Genius.com about this song. Bill Waters also has a song about his woman cheating that's actually really fire and nobody would ever think of it. This is Bill Waters, his grandma's hands are leaning on me. But the question is, what is he to you? It's like, damn, Bill, he was going through it, bro. It is a classic. Makes me cry. Takes me out. Yeah, it is. Ain't no such thing, man. I'm not going to. I'm listening to any secular music in two months either, but I might go on a little bit with his journey soon. Yeah, take your time. You ain't missin' I'm consecrating. All right, bro. Love you.