Meaningful Happiness with Dr. Scott Conkright
Meaningful Happiness is a podcast that unpacks the science of emotions, relationships, and personal growth through the lens of Affect Relational Theory (ART), Chronic Shame Syndrome (CSS), and Latalescence—the second act of life where experience, adaptability, and purpose shape our journey forward.
Each episode explores how shame operates beneath the surface, influencing our confidence, connections, and sense of agency. Through deep insights and practical tools, we uncover ways to rewrite our personal narratives, break free from shame-based cycles, and cultivate a life rich in authenticity, curiosity, and joy.
Join me as we dive into the psychological frameworks and real-world applications that help us navigate relationships, self-perception, and the ever-evolving landscape of human experience.
Let’s make happiness meaningful.
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https://linktr.ee/scottconkright
Meaningful Happiness with Dr. Scott Conkright
Ep. 10- The Mirror Explained: A Real Path to Love and Healing through Group Therapy
What if love isn't about finding your other half, but about embracing another's imperfections alongside your own? Join us in this thought-provoking episode as we challenge the romantic ideal that love completes us. Drawing on Lacan's philosophy and the wisdom of 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, we argue that true love is not about filling our voids with someone else, but about two imperfect people exchanging their vulnerabilities. Discover how acknowledging our emotional baggage and inherent human flaws can lead to a more meaningful and authentic connection, liberating us from the pursuit of perfect love.
In the second part of our episode, we dive into the transformative experience of group therapy as a powerful antidote to shame. Explore how sharing personal struggles in a supportive group setting can reveal common experiences, helping individuals articulate their own desires amidst external pressures. By highlighting the importance of reciprocation and connection, we illustrate how communal support can foster healing and self-understanding. Don’t miss the chance to learn how collective engagement can help us navigate life’s complexities and make us feel more connected and understood.
For more information about Scott and his practice, articles, videos, and more: https://linktr.ee/scottconkright
Scott Conkright, and welcome to the Meaningful Happiness podcast, where we talk about feelings, ethics, the biological basis of emotions and all those things that have to do with making life meaningful and happy. Today I will jump into part two of my fable, the Mirror in the Woods, explain what it means and share some of my intentions with you. I would very much love to know what meaning you got from it as well. Don't hesitate to share. Section one is entitled the Myth of Wholeness. You know, I feel when I'm doing this one, I'm reminded of the Barbie scene when she's on the dance floor and she brings up death and everything stops. Kind of have that feeling that that's what's going to happen here, because I'm going to break a lot of assumptions people have about love. But here we go. I mean, if you're wanting to go dancing and all that, now's the time to get up and go. I'm going to talk about the myth of wholeness. What I'm going to share is not a very popular idea, but here we are.
Speaker 1:Lacan's phrase fundamentally challenges the idea that love is about completing what's missing in ourselves. It's the opposite of the belief that there's the One out there somewhere in the world ready to complete you and make you whole and who matches with you so perfectly that you clearly were meant for each other. That's a great feeling and I love it. But I also note that it's made up of about 95% pixie dust. And when that pixie dust wears off, you've got two ordinary, imperfect people left in the room wondering what the hell just happened. The romantic narratives we grew up with, whether movies, tv shows or music, are saturated with the message that love is about finding someone who fills a void, someone who completes us in ways we can't on our own. It is impossible not to take this narrative to heart, as we all grow up with it. It's very enticing, but it's a very dangerous myth. You will eventually both be disappointed, if not miserable. Even if you both do everything you can to do everything to fulfill the needs of the other person, or at least as you imagine them, it's an impossible task.
Speaker 1:After the pixie dust wears off, two ordinary people look at each other with shame because they know they don't have that thing, whatever that thing is that the other person fantasizes would fill in their emptiness. Why? Well, because that emptiness, that void, is part of the human condition. It is not a bad thing to have. In fact, it's a big motivator for getting through life. It's called desire, which is made up of the affect of interest, enjoyment I'm sorry, interest, excitement coupled with societal expectations. We learn early on in life about what makes us desirable. We learn what our parents want from us. Caregivers, mentors, siblings, neighbors, social media Everybody has an idea of what's the best for us and we pick up from that who we should be. These messages haunt us, will haunt us for the rest of our lives. We can't live up to them ever. It's impossible.
Speaker 1:The aching feeling of not being enough is the shame response to not being able to get the positive acclaim from others that we feel we should have to be lovable. Love is not about finding someone to complete us, but about giving from a place of lack. It's the ultimate paradox. Love is not about the exchange of fullness, or exchanging fullness like I'm complete or something like that and I bring it to somebody else who's complete, but it's the exchange of gaps. This is a profoundly liberating idea as far as I'm concerned, because it's based on our being human, not on some unrealistic ideal that's destined to cause shame for all involved when we fail to live up to it.
Speaker 1:Let me remind you of a Bible verse that you might know by heart. That's used often in weddings 1 Corinthians 13, 47. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it does not dishonor others, it is not selfish or self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. It always protects, always trusts always hopes, always perseveres. Now, this is a description of an ideal. It is aspirational, not an injunction, and is not a failure when you don't live up to it, because none of us will ever be that patient, that kind, always, not ever envious and never boast.
Speaker 1:I'm generally not all that easy to anger, but, trust me, I go there. I keep a ledger of wrongs done to me, even when I've forgiven others and even when I tell them it's all forgotten. I rejoice in the truth. But, to tell the truth, I'm not always truthful. I try my hardest to protect those who I love, but I fail at this at times and I would be lying too if I said I was always trustful, hopeful and that I always persevere. Sometimes I'm scared, distrustful, lacking in hope, actually lacking in courage, and want to give up, but I am still worthy of loving and being loved, because no one has to be perfect to love or be loved. You can show up with your emotional baggage, uncertainties and unresolved issues and still offers something meaningful. In a relationship, this realization can be a source of great relief, knowing that you don't have to be flawless to be worthy of love. Imagine you're at a dinner party and everybody's paying. You know everybody's rallying and everyone's raving about this amazing dish, except you forgot to bring something. You totally, totally blanked out. You still have something to give, even if you arrived empty-handed. In fact, it's the act of showing up, despite feeling empty or imperfect, that forms the basis of love. This reminder can be a source of encouragement, motivating you to keep showing up and offering what you can, even when you feel inadequate.
Speaker 1:Section 2. Love as Vulnerability. Lacan's idea also speaks to the inherent vulnerability in love. Love requires us to open up, to expose our flaws, to our insecurities, to another person, and here's the kicker they may not even want it. This taps into something universal, but especially poignant for our current age, where many of us live in a world of constant digital curation, crafting Instagram-perfect versions of ourselves that are polished and appealing. But it takes courage to show our less-than-perfect selves, and that's where the real power of love lies.
Speaker 1:The demand for perfection or near-perfection can be toxic and contributes to what many of my patients suffer from, which is chronic shame syndrome. Chronic shame syndrome is that mild to moderate level feeling where you're often preoccupied with self-doubt, self-consciousness and low confidence. Low self-esteem and low confidence low self-esteem. If depression and anxiety are the common colds of mental health, chronic shame syndrome is the allergic reaction you live with from growing up in a shame-based family as well as a shame-based society. Most of us were not born or provided in childhood with an immune system, an emotional immune system capable of withstanding the onslaughts of shame that many of us had to and still have to deal with. If you come from a background where it was hard to feel good about yourself, our current digital world can really make it hard to feel good about yourself at all, hard to feel good about yourself at all.
Speaker 1:So you can unplug from social media Not always practical, but it existed before you did and the world did perfectly fine without it. But I suggest you minimize it to just watching my posts. How's that, by the way? I'm kidding, of course, but do watch my posts because I do talk about chronic shame syndrome. They're educational, they're uplifting and give you some practical ideas about how to and I talk a lot about chronic shame syndrome and how to deal with it. I also have a book coming out I hope soon, like maybe in a few months so I'll keep you posted. Sadly, uh, what you won't get are my uh beauty advice posts or my me showing off my new dance moves. Actually, that's not a sad thing, that's a. That's something to be happy about.
Speaker 1:Returning to love real love exists precisely in those moments when we risk showing someone something raw and imperfect about our inner selves. Vulnerability is the currency of connection, not curated perfection. It's okay if your partner doesn't always appreciate your unfiltered, sometimes messy, emotional life. They may not get it right away. That doesn't mean that those emotions aren't valuable. Sometimes your partner is not going to get you at all. You're not going to get them. So what? Give each other margin of error, wide margins of error, for those moments when your imperfections and their imperfections get on your nerves, you're going to get on their nerves too.
Speaker 1:As long as there's more good in the relationship than bad, don't sweat the small stuff. Think about the difference between posting a cute selfie versus texting someone when you're really feeling down and you're feeling vulnerable and yucky. The selfie, of course, gets likes hearts instant, instant validation. But telling someone you're having a bad day, that you're struggling, might not get the same reaction. It's riskier. Yet it's that. But telling someone you're having a bad day, that you're not feeling good emotionally inside, might not get the same reaction. It's riskier. But telling someone you're having a bad day might not get the same reaction. It's riskier. Yet it's in that vulnerability where real intimacy is built, and you are not going to find real intimacy in social media relationships. Obviously.
Speaker 1:Section three the rejection paradox and the role of shame affect relational theory in relationships. The role of shame ART in relationships. The role of shame ART in relationships here's where it gets deep. Love isn't transactional and it's certainly not always reciprocated in the ways we might hope. Lacan's phrase emphasizes that we give our vulnerability, our lack, to someone who might not even want to have it. It's not what they're looking for. It's this very possibility of rejection that makes love such a profound, sometimes heartbreaking process and experience. In affect relational theory.
Speaker 1:Shame in relationships is understood as taking place when we feel our attempts to connect or to be seen are unreciprocated. The fear of rejection, the dread of being met with indifference or, worse, disdain these are all rooted in shame. Shame is the affect that alerts us to a disruption in the flow of positive connection, making it a key player in how we navigate intimacy. However, lacan is also suggesting that sincere, mature love requires moving beyond the shame. The act of giving what you don't have your vulnerability, your lack, despite the potential for rejection, is a courageous act. It's about offering parts of yourself that may not be appreciated and in fact, you may get rejected. That happens. Learning to accept this doesn't diminish the value of what you're giving. Knowing that this is an essential ingredient in love doesn't make it easier, but it does normalize the need to confront our fear of rejection and to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability.
Speaker 1:Imagine you confess something deeply personal to someone who you care about. Maybe it's a fear, an insecurity or a dream. You're not sure they'll understand. They might respond with confusion, awkwardness or they might even be dismissive. Shame rushes in and you feel exposed. But that moment of shame isn't a sign you've done something wrong. It's a signal that you've taken the brave step of offering something real, something vulnerable, knowing it might not be reciprocated in the way you hoped.
Speaker 1:I want to take a minute here to emphasize that in an intimate relationship, both parties need to understand how love, lack and shame work, and that both have the same commitment to pushing through the hard parts, knowing that they will be painful and strain the relationship. But that's where the growth is. If only one person in the relationship is doing the work, the relationship will never deepen and in fact it's most likely going to turn toxic. As we end here, let me remind you of the main points. Rejection and indifference are going to happen. We all have and we will continue to experience rejection or indifference to our vulnerability. But despite its being universal, it can still hurt enormously. That we all hurt doesn't make our hurt hurt less, but keeping this in mind can take some of the sting away.
Speaker 1:And keep in mind that the rejection is not necessarily about you personally. It often has to do with where the other person is in their life, what path they've decided to take, what they believe is going to be the right thing for them, and it probably has to do with all their issues and baggage and all that sort of stuff. But it's super easy to take it personally. You did your work by being vulnerable. Be proud of yourself.
Speaker 1:The other big point is shame isn't a barrier, it's a signpost. Shame signals that you've entered into real vulnerability, the place where love begins. Imperfection is normal. Imperfection is normal. Imperfection is the norm. Shame in relationships is not a flaw to be avoided, but an indicator that love is being tested and refined. Lacan's view of love isn't about getting something back. It's about having the courage to offer what we lack, despite the possibility that it won't be wanted. This can be a freeing concept for those who are constantly bombarded with the pressure of transactional relationships or constant gratification. The real value of love is found in the vulnerability we risk, not in the assurance of reciprocation.
Speaker 1:A quick note about all those messages that we get from others that I talked about earlier, real or imagined, coming from social media, parents, everybody else. They're in our heads, they're in our unconscious. They're hard to get rid of. They're not going to stop. We're always going to have people in our life who think they know who we should be, how we'll be happy. We'll be happy if we make them happy, for instance.
Speaker 1:It's not going to stop, but therapy, and especially group therapy, is powerful when it comes to this Group, therapy, as far as I'm concerned, melts shame away if it's a good group. It's pretty incredible when it happens because you need other people, you need to share the shame with others, and you find out from others that they're dealing with exactly the same thing pretty much similar things, also dealing with the demands of other people's desires for you or who you should be, and all that gets easier when you're clear about what you desire. Thanks for listening. I would love to hear your thoughts and feelings about these ideas and how they play out in your life. Follow me on social media, even though I just bashed it, share a comment, hit like, give me some feedback. What I desire right now is some reciprocation, if you want. Until next time, be kind to yourself.
