Meaningful Happiness with Dr. Scott Conkright

The Inner Life of Your Child: How Early Emotions Shape a Lifetime

• Scott Conkright

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We explore how our emotional lives are shaped from birth through the story of Cordelia, examining how feelings become emotions and how unconscious patterns develop. Understanding these early formations is the key to rewriting our emotional scripts and experiencing more meaningful happiness.

• Nine innate affects (interest-excitement, enjoyment-joy, distress-anguish, shame-humiliation, fear-terror, surprise-startle, anger-rage, disgust, dissmell) form the basis of all emotions
• Newborns experience feelings as pure, immediate sensations without memory or expectation
• Laidelescence represents a critical developmental stage in adults when we can question and rewrite emotional scripts
• Emotional patterns become automated in childhood before we have the cognitive capacity to understand them
• Every person experiences the same basic affects, but our emotional lives become uniquely individual through memory and meaning-making
• Recognizing automatic emotional patterns is the first step toward taking conscious control
• The early relationship between caregiver and infant lays the foundation for future emotional responses
• Complex emotions require body signals, mental meaning-making, and consciousness to form a personal story

Consider what emotional patterns in your life feel automatic, as if running without your conscious input. Reflect on how your early experiences might have shaped your current emotional responses.


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For more information about Scott and his practice, articles, videos, and more: https://linktr.ee/scottconkright

Speaker 1:

Scott Cockright, and welcome to the Meaningful Happiness podcast, where we talk about feelings, affects, the biological basis of emotions and all those things that have to do with making life meaningful and happy. What if I told you that the story you've been living wasn't fully yours? Before you could even speak, the way you feel, think and react to the world was already being shaped by forces you could not see. This is the story of all of us. Understanding it is the key to a more meaningful and happy life. Welcome to the Meaningful Happiness Podcast where, in this series, I will take you through the complete psychological formation of a human being, from birth to late later lessons and beyond. We'll start where my fictitious character, cordelia, experiences the one and only slide ride into existence and finds herself without her old home. You'll learn how feelings shape our lives from day one and how emotions get constructed and how we unconsciously build the stories that define us. You'll find out why you often feel awful about things you feel good about I know that's paradoxical but also feel good about things you feel bad about, and why your thoughts are a big problem but can be managed if you understand them. You will learn self-confidence because you will know yourself better. You will see the story you've been unconsciously acting out and learn the skills to change this script. Through the story of Cordelia, a child growing up in real time, you'll see how we all learn to edit ourselves, hide parts of who we are and get stuck in emotional scripts we never chose. But here's the good news these scripts can be rewritten. That's what Laidalescence is the second adolescence where you finally claim your life as your own. Whether you're a parent trying to understand your child or someone looking to rewrite your story or just curious about how emotions work, this podcast is for you. By the end of the series, you'll never see feelings or yourself the same way again. Childhood and adolescence are written for you to be played out. Laidalescence is the first rewrite and it's the next and the next and the next and the next. May you always be in Laidaleslessence.

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Late-lessence represents a critical developmental stage that typically emerges in adulthood, often between mid-30s and 50s, when individuals begin to question the emotional scripts they've unconsciously lived by. Unlike adolescence, which is primarily driven by biological changes and social identity formation, late adolescence is characterized by conscious reexamination of one's affective patterns and relational blueprints. During this phase, people can finally recognize how their early childhood experiences shaped their emotional responses, attachment patterns and sense of self. This awareness creates the opportunity for fundamental psychological restructuring and the conscious authorship of one's life story. The Laidalescent framework has several distinct components. The first is recognition becoming aware of the unconscious affective scripts that have been driving your emotional responses and relationships. Integration, which is connecting your adult cognitive understanding with your pre-verbal emotional experiences. The third is agency reclamation. This means taking conscious ownership of emotional affective patterns that were previously automatic. The next is narrative reconstruction rewriting your life story from a position of awareness rather than reaction. The last one is affect regulation, in which you develop the capacity to navigate emotions that were previously overwhelming. Throughout Cordelia's developmental journey, we'll identify the origins of these patterns and how they become encoded in our nervous system long before we have the capacity to understand them. Think of later lessons as the moment when you finally get access to the control room of your emotional life. The controls were largely automated during childhood and adolescence, programmed by experiences like those we're witnessing and will witness with Cordelia. In later lessons, you don't just observe the control room. You begin to operate it yourself, gradually learning which buttons connect to which responses, which levers control your reactions and how to reprogram the system for greater emotional freedom and greater intentionality. Take a moment right now to reflect what emotional patterns do you notice in your life, which ones feel automatic, as if they're running without your conscious input? Simply noticing these patterns is the first step towards lay lessons.

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Before Cordelia knew herself or had a name, she lived in a world of pure sensation. It was a world without shape, direction or need. Warmth surrounded her, gentle, pulsing and constant. She floated, cradled in the rhythmic motion of her mother's body, her tiny form rocking with the slow tides of her mother's breath and the movements of her body. There was no time, no waiting, just the steady pulse of life moving through her. Interested excitement stirred when the world outside sent vibrations, a distant sound, muffled and strange noises. Out there, something new. She stretched a tiny limb pressing outward, then recoiled as a sudden shift in pressure squeezed against her Enjoyment. Joy blossomed when warmth wrapped her entirely again, a deep contentment, no edges, no separations, just existence in motion.

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Cordelia didn't know safety, but she felt it. More importantly, she moved through it. Her slight movements, stretching, kicking, reacting, happened immediately, without intention or purpose. Each action existed only when it occurred, leaving no trace in a mind capable of memory. Then, suddenly, everything changed. Bright lights, cold air and new sensations replaced the warm, rhythmic world she had known. This was the first significant shift in her ability to make things happen. In the womb, her world had been predictable and constant. Now she was thrust into a place where her cries could bring comfort, her movements could draw attention and her needs could shape her environment.

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But in these very early days, cordelia's world was still one of pure feeling. She had no memory of the womb, no expectation of what was going to come next, just the raw, immediate responses to her new surrounding. Her body experienced its first sensations of separation, the cold air on her skin and connection, the warmth of her mother's arms or the caregiver's arms. This was the beginning of her journey to figure things out. Though she couldn't yet understand what was happening, she was already starting to notice patterns, the sound of familiar voices, the feeling of being held, the rhythm of feeding and sleeping. These were the first threads of the stories she would weave about her world. Cordelia's world was all about sensations Warmth, cold, sound, touch. She couldn't yet remember or expect. She simply felt and reacted. The transition from womb to world was her first experience of making things happen. Her cries and movements began to shape her environment. Even if she didn't yet understand how, though she couldn't yet form memories, cordelia was already beginning to notice patterns like the connection between crying and being comforted. These were the first steps in her lifelong journey to make sense of the world.

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From the moment we are born, we're storytelling creatures. It's not just something we learn to do, it's actually hardwired into us. It's a fundamental part of being human. Stories are how we make sense of the world and make things happen. They help us understand our experiences. They help us to connect with others and navigate the complexities of life.

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Cordelia's drive to tell stories begins the moment she enters the world. Even in her earliest days, when her memory is just a blank slate and her understanding is limited to raw feelings, she's already starting to weave the first threads of her story. These threads are simple at first, patterns like when I cry, I get fed. Or when I hear that voice, I feel safe, I get fed. Or when I hear that voice, I feel safe. But over time they get richer, more complex. They become an intricate tapestry that shapes how she sees herself and the world around her. As you go through your day, pay attention to the basic feelings that arise moment to moment, notice, when interest perks you up, joy relaxes your face or distress tightens your chest. These are the same fundamental feelings that Cordelia is experiencing right now. These are the foundation of her and your emotional life. By becoming aware of them, you're taking a step towards later lessons.

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When Cordelia was born, she came into the world with a set of built-in feelings, what we call affects. These aren't complex emotions like happiness or sadness yet, but rather raw, automatic responses to what's happening around her. They're like the first tools she uses to figure things out and make things happen in the world. They are tools. These feelings are strong and immediate. They take whatever she's experiencing, like a loud noise, a warm touch, a hungry belly, and make it impossible to ignore. Without these feelings, cordelia might notice things but wouldn't feel the need to react. With them, her world becomes vivid and full of meaning even before she can understand it.

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In her first weeks, cordelia's feelings are pure and simple. She doesn't remember one moment to the next and doesn't expect what's coming. Each feeling is a burst of sensation that demands her attention and shapes how she responds. Here's how Cordelia experiences each of the nine innate feelings in these early days when it comes to interest, excitement, which is one of the positive ones. What it feels like for her is it feels like a sudden alertness when something catches her attention. Very primitive at this point. What you'll see when you look at her is her eyes widening, her face tenses up a little bit and she focuses on whatever is new, like water pouring over her hands, like a sound, a light, a temperature change. What triggers it is anything new new sounds, shifting light, vibrations, all that sort of stuff, the stuff in her immediate environment that keeps changing. What's it like for her? Well, it's a burst of curiosity and it's without worry and without anticipation. She's just noticing something new.

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Now, the second positive affect enjoyment, joy. They're on a continuum. For her, what it feels like is a moment of relief or comfort, and what you'll see, especially in her face, is that her face relaxes and she might even give a tiny reflexive smile, which is not a social smile, yet that'll come a few weeks down. What triggers it are warm feelings being held or having her hungry or dissatisfied. What's it like for her? Well, how does she experience it? She experiences it as a fleeting sense of ease, not yet connected to happiness or bonding Now with distress and anguish. It feels like an overwhelming discomfort that demands relief. What you'll see and hear are cries. Her face reddens and her body tenses up. What sugars it? Anything that doesn't feel good Hunger, cold, a wet diaper, gas, pain, you name it. If it doesn't feel good, it's going to be distress. What it feels like to her is total focus on her discomfort, with no idea that relief is coming.

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Now. Shame-humiliation is a very interesting one, and that's what I'm going to focus on a lot as we go down this path. What it feels like for her is a sudden drop in energy or a sense of deflation, and that's what I'm going to focus on a lot as we go down this path. What it feels like for her is a sudden drop in energy or a sense of deflation. It's very, very minimal at this point, but it's there. What you might see is she might lower her gaze, drop her head or go limp just for a second or two until something else interesting shows up.

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What triggers it? What triggers it is an unexpected interruption to something positive, like being moved suddenly. What it feels like for her? Well, it feels like a fleeting sense of disconnection or deflation, fear, terror, for her feels intense in its immediate tension and alertness, and what you'll see is her eyes will widen, her body will stiffen and she might gasp or hold her breath.

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What triggers it? Anything that scares her loud noises, sudden movements or extreme temperature variations, ice, something hot. I mean a little jolt, because even though at this point she's not expecting anything, there is this change in continuity. What it's like for her is a massive rush of energy without understanding the danger or safety is involved. That's really important to understand. There's nothing conscious yet going on in the sense of oh, there's a problem here. Same with surprise-startle. I mean what it feels like for her. It feels like it does for us A full-body reset, like a sudden jolt. For us it's a little different. We are cognitively reset as well. What you'll see is she might blink, jerk her limbs or gasp. Now, what triggers it? Anything sudden, like a door slamming bright light or being placed on a cold surface Like that. We all do that as well. Now for her. Again, she's only feeling. She's only feeling feelings. She's only having the experience. It's not connected to any memory. It feels like a complete interruption of whatever she was feeling.

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The second before Babies, by the way, get angry. You might know this. It's hard to distinguish sometimes between distress and anguish, but anger, rage. For her feels like building tension that cannot get released and it demands release. What you'll see is intense crying, a red face, clenched fists and a very rigid body, and what triggers it is basically a step up from distress, like persistent discomfort, like being stuck in one position or having an unmet need. What it's like for her is a total state of frustration with no idea how to fix it. Keep in mind she can go nowhere. She can't really do anything at this point.

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Disgust has to do with taste and what it feels like is an immediate rejection centered on her mouth and her throat. She doesn't like it and it's automatic. It's built in to protect us from eating stuff that's dangerous for us. All the affects were given to us evolutionarily to help us be out in the world safely. What you'll see from her is that she might stick out her tongue, gag or spit, which, if you've been around babies, they do that quite a bit. What triggers it? A bitter taste, certain medications, anything that she doesn't like, for whatever reason, and, as you know, every kid is different along these lines taste certain medications, anything that she doesn't like for whatever reason, and, as you know, every kid is, every kid is different along these lines.

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What it's like for her? It's a pure automatic reaction to something unpleasant. Now, this smell is a term made up by Sylvan Tompkins, the father of affect theory, to talk about, basically discuss. But when it comes to the nose, so that smells. So what it feels like for her is an immediate pullback centered on her nose. What you'll see is that she might wrinkle her nose, turn her head away or raise her upper lip. What triggers it? It Strong or unpleasant smells. It's built in. We're wired to react to strong or unpleasant smells. We to this day. I will do that, you will do it. And her response is like ours. Basically it's an avoidance response and you don't even know why. Initially, for her it's like zero understanding for us, ooh, whatever it is. Move back.

Speaker 1:

In these early weeks, cordelia's feelings are the first tools she uses to make sense of the world and make things happen as best she can with her tiny little body that she can't really even move, but she can move her head, she can close her eyes. Little body that she can't really even move, but she can move her head, she can close her eyes. They're like the first brush strokes on a blank canvas, so to speak Simple and raw, but full of potential. Over time, these feelings will blend with her memories, with her memories, thoughts and relationships, to create the rich emotional life that makes her who she will be. But it'll take some time to get there. We're going to go every couple months and we're going to see how quickly, how amazingly, she changes.

Speaker 1:

But for now, though, her feelings are pure and immediate. We're nowhere near emotion Right now. Her feelings are her way of saying this is what's happening to me, and I need you to respond. So whenever you comfort, hold or meet her needs, you're helping her build the foundation for future stories. Think about when you experienced one of these nine basic feeling states, one of these affects in its purest form Perhaps a moment of startle, when you heard an unexpected noise, or, as I mentioned earlier, like with disgust, when you tasted something bitter or unfamiliar and wasn't good. How did your body respond? Noticing these fundamental feeling states and identifying them right away can help you better understand your more complex emotional reactions. Cordelius, feelings are pure and immediate in their first weeks of life. They don't connect to memories yet or expectations. They just happen like a burst of sensation that takes over her whole world. For a moment, let's take a closer look at how she experiences some of these feelings. Let's go, let's do a deep dive into maybe three of them.

Speaker 1:

When Cordelia feels interest, excitement again. Interest is on the low end, excitement on the high end, usually somewhere in the middle. It's like a little spark of alertness. Her eyes might widen, her breathing might quicken and she'll focus on whatever is new, like a sound, a light, like, I said, a temperature change, water flowing over her hands. I love seeing babies do that. It's the first time. They're going like, wow, this is amazing. But this isn't curiosity or exploration. Yet it looks like it, but it's not. It's a moment of heightened awareness, like a little what's that inside her, inside her head. She's not even of heightened awareness, like a little what's that inside her, inside her head. She's not even talking to herself. Of course she doesn't have language yet, but it's the experience, it's the felt sense of what's that?

Speaker 1:

When the new thing passes, the feeling fades and she's back to her calm state, unless something gets in the way and she's in a different state. Uh, enjoyment, joy is different, unless something gets in the way and she's in a different state. Enjoyment, joy, is different. It's the feeling of ease, relaxation that comes when something feels good, like being warm, being held or having her hunger taken care of and satisfied. Her body softens, her breathing slows and she feels a wave of calm. But this isn't happiness or pleasure quite yet. It's just a moment of physical comfort, like the little ahhh inside her, like oh okay. These feelings don't connect or build into something bigger at this point. They're just isolated moments coming and going as her world changes.

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One day something loud and sudden happens A crash outside of her crib, the noise shoots through the quiet and Cordelia feels it before she knows what's happening, which you actually will never know because she doesn't know anything at this point. But she does feel that incredible jolt and her body jolts, her arms fling out, her breath catches and her heart pounds. Right before the fear comes. Surprise or startle, a full body reset that interrupts everything. If she was playing or touching something or no matter what she was involved in, boom, it's done.

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She's focusing on the fear, the fear of terror comes. Fear in this case, not terror. A wave of tension will make her stiffen and tremble. The world now feels unsafe and she has no idea why. In response to that Not to not knowing why, because she doesn't even know what it means to understand stuff yet she will go into the affect of distress anguish. She cries, not because she expects help, but because the feeling is too big to hold inside. Strong arms lift her, pressing her against a familiar heartbeat. Warmth and pressure surround her and the fear fades, but there is no relief or contrast in her mind, just the immediate experience of a new calm state.

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Hunger starts as a twist in her belly, a growing pressure that becomes impossible to ignore. Distress anguish amplifies. It amplifies the physicality of the hunger. Distress anguish as an affect turns it into an all-consuming feeling. Without this amplification, hunger might be a background sensation, but with it, hunger becomes urgent and overwhelming, demanding attention, and the longer it goes, the more she's going to let you know that it needs to be taken care of. Now she starts kicking and wriggling. Her tiny hands start flailing. She doesn't know what's really happening or what's wrong, or how to fix it. She just feels the intensity of the discomfort. Her mouth opens and a cry bursts out, even before she understands what crying is. Then warmth, a familiar scent, the sensation of milk filling her mouth. The distress vanishes, replaced by a new state of calm.

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For Cordelia, each experience exists in isolation. Hunger is total when it's there, forgotten, when it's not. One moment. Cordelia tastes something sweet, the next, something bitter and strange, hits her tongue. Her face scratches up in rejection. A sharp shudder runs through her body, her tongue pushes the taste away and her lips purse tightly. This is her first experience of disgust. Unlike hunger or fear, which beg for relief, disgust is an immediate rejection. Something is wrong, unworthy of being consumed. The response is instant no thought, no hesitation, just a pure bodily rejection of it. It's a reaction that's built in to offending sensations. Whatever it is that caused that to get triggered. It arises and fades with the taste itself.

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In these early weeks, cordelia's feelings are like bright flashes of light in a dark room. They come and go, each consuming her world entirely for a moment before disappearing, for a moment before disappearing. There is no memory connecting one feeling to the next, zero expectation of what might come and no ability to reflect on what's happened, just not in place yet. But these feelings are the first steps in her journey to make sense of a world and make things happen. And I'm stressing this because all of this is the material that we need for stories that she'll start putting together about what her life means. And so whenever you comfort, hold or meet her needs, you're helping her build the foundation for those stories.

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Cordelia's feelings in these early weeks might seem intense and overwhelming for her and for you, but they're a natural and essential part of her development. By responding to her needs and providing comfort, you're helping her learn that her actions matter and that the world can be safe and predictable. Remember, you don't need to do anything fancy. Just being there for her, holding her, responding to her cries is enough. You're helping her build the first stories of her life, stories that will grow and change as she does, helping her navigate the world with confidence and resilience.

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As you interact with others today, notice how their facial expressions mirror their basic feeling states. The widened eyes of interest, the relaxed face of joy, the tense brow of distress these expressions are the visible signs of the same fundamental feelings that Cordelia experiences, now shaped by years of social experience. How might understanding these basic feelings help you become better connected with others? In her first weeks of life, cordelia's face is like a mirror of her feelings, before she can smile on purpose or cry to get your attention. Her face shows exactly what she's feeling at that moment. When interest, excitement, takes over, her eyes widen and her face tenses up slightly. And when distress, anguish hits again, her mouth tightens and her face reddens, and she's gonna let you know, in all likelihood with a cry, that she is distressed. And when enjoyment, joy, washes over her, her lips might curl into a tiny, unconscious smile, more reflexive than anything else.

Speaker 1:

Right now, as much as they are communicating stuff to us, these expressions aren't meant to communicate anything. They're just the natural, automatic responses to her feelings. I mean, they're not meant to communicate anything intentionally by her. They are designed to communicate to her caregivers. Her face isn't a tool yet for communicating in intentional ways. That'll come soon. Right now it's just part of her immediate reaction to the world, as natural as her breathing or her heartbeat.

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Right now, cordelia lives entirely in the present. She doesn't remember the last time she felt hungry or the last time she was scared. Each feeling is new every time it happens, and when it's over, well well, it is like it never existed. Her world is one of pure, unfiltered feelings, pure affect. Each moment is its own little world, completely separate from the one before and the one that's going to come after. There are no patterns yet, zero expectations and zero sense of what might come next. As she grows, this, of course, will change. She'll start to remember things, notice patterns and develop expectations, but for now, in these earliest days, cordelia's life is a stream of pure, immediate feelings, each one vivid and complete in and of itself.

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Emotions haven't formed yet. Emotions are much more complex than feelings. They require that the body generate signals, like a racing heart or tense muscles. Feelings, the affects are there. They need to be generated to provide the raw, immediate response. The mind assigns meaning and expectation when it comes to emotions like this feels good or this feels scary, but that requires language. Consciousness weaves all these together into a personal story. So interestingly and we'll come back to this we will go. We will cover this later everybody feels the exact same affects, the same way, but our emotional life is unique to us. The process of the story-making in memory formation about feelings and emotions is unique to each person, as unique as a snowflake, and it's very true that no two people are alike when it comes to this. When emotions are finally put into words, they tell how our feelings shaped who we are.

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Cordelia is just beginning this journey.

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Her brain is laying the foundation, but her emotions are still waiting to take shape. For now, she's living in a world of pure, immediate feelings, a world that's vivid, urgent and full of potential. She can't remember, she can't expect anything and she can't understand what's happening to her. So every time you comfort her, hold her or meet her needs, you're helping her build the very things that she needs to make the world feel safe, and they become the foundation for future emotions, and you want those emotions to be good ones. The more positive feelings, the more positive affects, the more positive emotions you'll make from them. In our next episode, we'll see how Cordelia begins to connect these isolated moments into patterns, taking the first crucial steps from pure feelings to emerging emotion. Consider how your own early experiences might have shaped your emotional patterns. What do you know about how your caregivers responded to your needs as an infant? How might these early interactions influence your current emotional responses? This reflection is a key step in the labalescent journey, connecting your adult understanding with your pre-verbal emotional experiences, affective experiences.

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