Episode 6: Does Happy Wife Equal Happy Life?

In this episode of Keeping It Up With the Joneses, hosts Rebecca Lucero Jones and Adam Jones delve into their research on heterosexual couples, specifically focusing on couples where women are sexually satisfied but their male partners are not. Titled 'Does Happy Wife Equal Happy Life?', the episode examines the dynamics of sexual communication, mutual enhancement, and the importance of emotional connection for women. The hosts discuss desire discrepancies, communication strategies, and how partners navigate and make decisions about sex. They explore common pitfalls such as complaining and manipulation, and offer insights and tools for couples to improve their sexual relationship. The episode aims to provide listeners with a better understanding of the complexities in sexual satisfaction dynamics and practical advice to foster connection and mutual satisfaction.


00:43 Exploring Sexual Satisfaction Discrepancies
02:36 Communication and Connection in Relationships
05:44 Women's Sexual Satisfaction and the Importance of Emotional Connection
10:24 Complaining and Gatekeeping
24:49 Getting Unstuck

Transcript

Rebecca: 0:03

Welcome to Keeping It Up With The Joneses. I'm your host, Rebecca Lucero Jones, with my co host,

Adam: 0:09

Adam Jones.

Rebecca: 0:10

And we are excited to continue talking about our research on heterosexual couples and their sexual communication. Today, we are going to be talking about the third group that we identified, and this is the group of satisfied women with dissatisfied male partners. And we titled this episode, Does Happy Wife Equal Happy Life?

Adam: 0:29

It's a great, age old question we've all been waiting for the answer to.

Rebecca: 0:33

Yeah, I know you're dying to know, Does Happy Wife Equal Happy Life? And hopefully, we're going to give you few details to help you figure out whether or not that's an idiom you should continue to use.

Adam: 0:43

It's interesting. We're comparing these different types of couples. And we already went over in a different group, the couples where Both men and women were satisfied sexually, but in this one we are going to look at some situations where the men are not satisfied, and the women are. So this is going to help us dive into these situations where the men aren't happy, and we've talked a lot about where sex literature seems to be directed is at women. women are oftentimes criticized for not being sexual enough or, especially just anecdotally when it comes to therapy. This is a really common complaint that you see a lot in heterosexual couples. And that may continue into these situations where the man's not happy, but the woman is. we explore a little bit what that dynamic is about. Why are these men so unhappy? And looking at several of the different data points, it does seem to be about frequency, when we when we compare this group to some of the other groups, all of the other groups, pretty much every group everybody wants to be having more sex than they are.

Rebecca: 1:42

If you are feeling like you're not having as much sex as you want, join the club. Everybody feels that way.

Adam: 1:48

Sure. But especially in this group, the desire discrepancy so the difference between how much I want to be having sex, ideally, and how much I am having sex, it was much bigger in this group... for men. And there's still a discrepancy for women, but it's about half as big. All that to say, we have a lot of men here who want to be having a lot more sex than they are currently having and women who want to be having a little bit more sex, but aren't too different from the women in these other groups. So that might be one key as to what's going on here. I don't think there's been enough discussion or attention paid to how couples should navigate desire discrepancies within their relationship. There's some good research being done on this, but it's not always as clearly discussed from a relational standpoint of how couples can navigate some of these different situations.

Rebecca: 2:35

Yeah. So let's dive in and talk a little bit about what this group does well. What are the things that they are doing to work on the sexual relationship? And we're going to start with some of the sexual communication behaviors. One of the most common sexual communication behaviors in these couples was mutual enhancement. So again, to remind you, some of you have listened to the other two episodes prior to this and you'll be familiar with this and maybe it'll feel a little repetitive, but for those of you who might be listening for the first time, this is where both partners are discussing ways to improve and enhance their sexual life. They're looking at growing this part of their relationship and so I think it's really important to point this out because this was a pretty high number, 65%. In the mutually satisfied group, it was close to 80%. So what's interesting about these two groups is this is where women are satisfied. Mutual enhancement, having this collaborative, growth minded approach seems really crucial for female sexual satisfaction, right? They want to be talking about it. And I think one thing sometimes, and I know I mentioned this in another episode, to be mindful of that the woman's prefrontal cortex the reasoning part of her brain is active when it comes to sex. And so I think a lot of times, when we're engaging in conversation, that is engaging that reasoning part of the brain. And I think a lot of times couples may be unaware of how much talk can actually be preparing and helping a woman relax and envision what could happen sexually. And so I think we see that a little bit reflected here that the more they are discussing this the more likely she is to be satisfied.

Adam: 4:13

Right. I think that's a key takeaway in all of these different examples, which is an interesting contrast in this group, in some of the other groups when there was this mutual enhancement, which means that both people are really discussing ways to improve or enhance their sex life, we tend to see that go really hand in hand with the way people would describe how decisions are made. Essentially that we have this idea of sexual relationship building, which is essentially there's mutual investment and common relationship goals that are at the forefront of sharing how the couple makes decisions about sex within their relationship. And what's actually really surprising about this group, in couples where men aren't satisfied with sex both partners might be contributing to the conversation and interested in trying to improve and make sex better for both partners, but that doesn't carry over into the ways that they make decisions about sex.

Rebecca: 5:05

Yeah. Which is huge, right? Because it's this idea of maybe we've figured out how to talk about sex, but we still haven't figured out a good way to make decisions. Whether that's somebody who's still not contributing ideas really weighing in when it's time to make decisions about sex or whether it's somebody shutting down or using manipulation, right? And we're going to get to what some of those decision making processes look like for people in this group. But it is a little strange, right? To have this orientation towards mutual enhancement, improving the relationship, but then really not being able to implement it at the decision making level.

Adam: 5:39

Yeah, we'll dig into that a little bit more in terms of how those decisions are being made. Something that's also really interesting about, I think some of the positive behaviors that were reported in this group with satisfied women and dissatisfied men is that when they talked about sex, they felt closer. And this wasn't as high in some other groups where they were getting stuck And talking about sex just really wasn't productive. But in this case a pretty high percentage folks would report that when they talk about sex, they start to feel closer together, which again, is an important idea. What we see in comparing these groups is for women, this idea of connection is really important, communicating about sex really helps foster connection.

Rebecca: 6:18

Yeah. In just to give you some numbers, 50 percent of the couples in this group reported that emotional connection was a result of sexual communication. In the mutually satisfied couples, it was 56%. So it's really close in numbers. We talked about this with the group of satisfied men, dissatisfied women. Connection was reported less often as a outcome for sexual communication. So we see here that for women's sexual satisfaction, having an emotional connection, it seems to be one outcome that they're readily recognizing, but also may be a really key part of why talking about sex is important for women. This seems to be a desired outcome for women that may not be shared by men. Men seem to rely more on improvement for their sexual satisfaction more so than emotional connection.

Adam: 7:07

Yeah. This makes me think of a common adage that you'll hear a lot in sex literature. It's often assumed that women look at sex as the result of connection. So the willingness to engage in sex is the result of connection, whereas men look at sex as a way to generate connection. And so I, I think that's interesting in this context especially as we've compared several different groups that, for women, talking about sex tends to lead to more connection, especially if both partners are invested in sharing ideas and being able to contribute to building the sexual relationship. For women that ends up being really crucial. And I think that connection is something that a lot of women look for in order to engage in sex. And that's probably why the women in these groups are sexually satisfied. We talk about sex, we feel connected, and therefore, I'm more satisfied in my sexual relationship, right? But the men oftentimes, can get into this interesting place where they're looking for sex as a means to generate connection. I feel disconnected from you, or I feel distant, or I want to reconnect. And so sex is the avenue that I have to do that. And I'm hoping that if we engage in sex that I'm going to feel closer to you afterward. Yeah. And this is oftentimes a real misconception, men get communicated as sex crazed or having higher libidos, I see a lot of couples coming in where women are complaining that the husband just wants sex or he wants to have sex too often, but underneath that, a lot of times is this real yearning to be close to a partner. So of course that's maybe an outcome of sex, not so much the communication about sex.

Rebecca: 8:51

Yeah. Think it's interesting, because I think differentiating that is really important. It's this idea that for men, sex will bring us closer and women need connection to have sex. And what we're finding out is sexual communication, it doesn't have to just be any communication, but sexual communication specifically actually does provide emotional connection for women, right? And makes them want to engage. But what's interesting is talking about sex doesn't seem to be as effective at making men feel emotionally connected. So it's not enough to just talk about sex for men, right? They actually want to have it.

Adam: 9:20

Sure.

Rebecca: 9:21

Which, like I get it. I get it. But I think it's one of those things where you skip that step of talking about it, yes, and then you're leaving your partner behind.

Adam: 9:30

And a lot of men feel this catch 22. If I'm talking about it, it's going to make her feel more and more that I'm just interested in sex. And you learn to not talk about it in some situations. can be a minefield sometimes, and of course I know a lot of listeners might really recognize what that feels like to be in a relationship where you want to be having sex more often than you are. and so as we go through here we'll hopefully get to to start talking a little bit more about some tools that somebody might use to be able to improve the sexual relationship, but also help couples see a little bit more eye to eye in how frequent they're having sex and how satisfying sex might be. yeah.

10:09

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Rebecca: 10:25

Alright, let's talk a little bit about what these couples struggle with. So as far as sexual communication behaviors 50 percent of the couples in this group reported complaining. So again, we see a lot of complaining where one partner is dissatisfied, which makes sense. That they would often have to voice that things are not working for them.

Adam: 10:46

Yeah, so this might show up as passive aggressive humor. Jokes that communicate dissatisfaction. I think there are ways that men try to create some sort of humor. They try to test the boundaries, without talking about it. A lot of men really, trying to explore how open is their partner to sex. And so it is all communication, but we're asking a lot more about verbal communication, but a lot of the ways men will test the water is walking by and smacking their partner's butt or whistling at their partner or whatever it might be. There can be these any behavior that might signal interest in their partner, And you may think, maybe that's how men are socialized, but men pay attention to the response, does it open the door to a little bit more, is there an invitation? And so women respond in a way that communicates how open and interested they are, and so we're always paying attention to maybe some of these nonverbal cues that that generate that give some insight into into how open each partner is about sex, and so oftentimes I think that, that may be one reason complaining comes up a lot. I think a lot of men keep testing these boundaries or exploring, but it's hard to know how interested a partner is. I think maybe a lot of women start to find this kind of middle ground where they can, they give a sarcastic laugh, ha ha ha ha, you know, or something like that, where it's not an all out rejection, but it's not an open invitation to pursue more. Sure. And I think enough of that approach of trying to initiate sex, it can create an environment where one partner might bring up complaints more often.

Rebecca: 12:13

Yeah, it's interesting obviously complaints can sometimes be issued in less direct way. It's fascinating in couples because a lot of times, a man may be initiating by grabbing a butt or thinking he's, signaling interest. But a lot of times if it's not a good time, if a woman's in the middle of tending to a child, maybe she can't respond. And so sometimes I see with couples, a reluctance to actually be vulnerable or ask for what you need or want. Obviously, sometimes it's fun to do it in playful ways to touch your partner or to grab a body part or whatnot. But sometimes I think if you find yourself always doing it in those types of ways, you actually may be avoiding the answer that you get. And you may be actually doing things that you know your partner will most likely say no. And this is a kind of a bracing of oneself. I'm going to grab her butt. I know she's going to brush it away, but I don't actually want to say, Hey, I really thinking it would be fun to have sex tonight. Are you interested?" Because when she says no, maybe that rejection feels too much, right? It's easier to say,"well, I grabbed her butt. Of course she said no." So I think also thinking about the ways. We communicate that we're interested. Sometimes we set our partner up to say no, because we want to be able to anticipate the answer, even if it's no.

Adam: 13:22

I think a common thing that comes up a lot with men trying to initiate sex is that rejection is so painful. For a lot of people that ends up being their worst fear. And so navigating that avoidance is really tricky. In fact, we start to see a lot of disengagement in this group where one partner actively avoids or refuses to discuss the sexual relationship. It's a clear line that we don't talk about it. Or my partner's made it clear that we don't talk about it.

Rebecca: 13:51

Or sometimes it's a specific topic, right? So it, it may not always be just about that, because a lot of these people reported mutual enhancement, but it may just be having really rigid boundaries. Like I told you I'm not doing that. So we're not talking about that again. It might be about something even specific, that you're not really free to completely explore. This is the kind of sex you guys are going to have, and it's within this person's comfort zone, and it never goes outside of it.

Adam: 14:14

Yeah, exactly. So you start to see a real hesitancy because people feel vulnerable or they're afraid that they're going to hurt their partner. Yeah. And somebody said,"frequency is almost totally dependent on her mood. Discussion is occasional and generally begins with my letting her know how difficult the relationship has gotten due to a lack of intimacy." Yeah. It's again, I'm going to open this door. I'm lonely. The relationship's hard for me. I want to have sex, but it's this deferral to the women leading.

Rebecca: 14:45

Yeah, and I think that's just a really hard place to be, when you're in a relationship and you're feeling lonely or you're feeling like there's no intimacy and you have to inform your partner. Hey, did you know? We don't have sex anymore. And that happens, right? I'm sure you get couples in your practice, but there are times where, it's like, Okay tell me, what, how often are you guys having sex? And one person's Oh, once a month. And the person's It's been six months, right? And so that can be really painful, I'm sure it's painful for both people, but to feel like this person is totally unaware of how lonely I am or how little we're engaging, how little we're connecting. That's painful.

Adam: 15:26

Yeah. And I think underneath a lot of this for men who feel like they're not having enough sex. There are some men who are really aware of how often they're asking for sex. Yeah. And what that must seem like to a partner. And to be always asking for sex and be begging for sex and to not be getting it. And so you start to turn to some different strategies, but, some men can just be so bad at approaching sex and initiating sex that it really comes off as demanding or abusive and maybe even coercive in some ways. Yeah. Where they start to make threats that, that they otherwise wouldn't do, but they just feel so desperate for to to have sex or, and to try to find a way to connect with their partner. Cause again as I mentioned that they view this as the way to generate connection. Yeah. That, that they, the worst comes out in them. And they're just trying to desperately prove to a partner, if you'll just have sex with me, then I promise we'll probably feel this sense of connection that that you're asking for, right? Or I'll be more open to taking you out on a date or romancing you in the way that you want if we would just have sex. And so sometimes couples really get gridlocked. And, I'm thinking of some instances where men can say some heinous things and oftentimes it's a really challenging line to negotiate because, of course, we're trying to create an environment of safety within the relationship. But what I often find for men in these circumstances is that men in this situation have a feeling that the sex is confirming their worth in some way.

Rebecca: 17:02

Yeah, so we find that these couples, there's more complaining, there's more disengagement in this group. And so how that influences how these couples make decisions is interesting. We found that 55 percent of them reported compromising. So where there are discrepancies in terms of desire. For frequency of sex, there's a lot of compromise. So I think we all would agree that makes sense, right? That if we have two different libidos, we're going to have to somehow meet in the middle. Fortunately, there's even though men were dissatisfied, there wasn't any coercion reported in this group. But there was. 20 percent of couples did report manipulation being used and so we define manipulation as when one partner uses guilt or pressure to change the other's sexual behaviors or uses sex to manipulate the other partner. And so I thought that was interesting that it wasn't super high, 20 percent isn't that high, but it was present here when men were dissatisfied and women were satisfied. Yeah.

Adam: 17:58

Yeah. I think We start to see that because people can get really desperate to find some way to create that connection that they want with their partner. Somebody said,"during periods of heightened stress or insecurity, she sometimes wants to engage in sex so as to satiate what she thinks I want." lot of times women might think that this is a way to help my partner relax or help them calm down or take off the stress or to recalibrate the relationship. Yeah. And I think this is interesting to say she wants to engage in sex to satiate what she thinks I want. But I think it's clear there that sometimes in these circumstances, having more sex isn't really the key to having a better relationship. Yeah. Just having more sex, it's only one area of a satisfying sexual relationship, and so it may be helpful to consider how both partners are showing up in sex.

Rebecca: 18:48

Yeah. I think that example is interesting because I think it suggests that sometimes satisfied women, they're gatekeeping the sex and they're deciding how much sex they'll be having and the men aren't having as much sex, sometimes it's like the women are throwing the men a bone When she can sense he's getting too dissatisfied or she feels like maybe his eye is starting to wander, then she'll satiate him. She'll decide to have sex with him. But I think that can be very different than a partner who says, I want a partner, who is really sexually engaged with me, right? Not just some of the time, not just to appease me, but really wants me, wants to have sex with me, wants to enjoy this together. And so I think, that man's quote really captures this idea that sometimes it can feel like in the marriage that this person is just placating you. And while you are complaining or asking for it, you're not just asking for the act of sex. You're asking for something much bigger than that, which is sexual engagement. Sometimes, I notice that clinically when this happens where women are not engaged that much but throw the man a bone every now and then, a lot of times there's sexual trauma there, right? There's maybe been some sort of sexual abuse or some sort of unwanted sex that's occurred in their past. And so a lot of times the women are only engaging in sex when they feel like they have to for the relationship, right? But overall. that sex is actually a place they don't want to go because it has too many reminders of painful things that have happened. And I think if that's the case for you and your partner, therapy is going to be really important to bridging that and creating something different so that sex isn't a reminder of painful things, but can be a place that you go together to create new positive memories.

Adam: 20:31

Mmmm. Yeah, so I think it'll be helpful to look at some of the different outcomes in talking about sex for these couples. One is, we saw some similar things with the flip side of this conversation where women were dissatisfied and men were satisfied. But, when couples in this situation talk about sex, they get exasperated and give up, so things actually start to get worse. We see some situations where it starts to feel manageable, whether it's a particular schedule, or even though we continue to disagree and we never really see eye to eye we make it work. And then we have other situations where we have arguments and that ended up being quite high in this group. And sometimes these conversations result in arguments. and this was a little higher in this group compared to some of the other groups, where talking about sex just led to conflict. Somebody said,"when we talk about sex, it can result in arguments about other areas of our life that we might be lacking." So sometimes, just the discussion of sex highlights all of the other areas in the relationship they're not putting enough energy into, right? Mmhmm. And this quote for me brought up an interesting idea that's come up in some literature where we see a pattern of pursuer/ distancer relationship or a demand/ withdrawal cycle. I think those are maybe slightly different, but we see this dynamic where one person is seeking affection and closeness and the other tends to continue to keep distancing. So the closer I get, the more I distance. And so we have this balance between us where if one, continues to pursue the other has to continue to keep distancing in order to have a little bit of space. And we tend to categorize relationships with that dynamic entirely. Yeah, but I think When we also integrate the sexual relationship, I think a lot of times we see this can be very gendered, Where women and it's not always men,and women. There can be a lot of men who fall into the pursuer role in these dynamics, so I want to be careful with that. But oftentimes we have a lot of women who are desperately seeking this emotional closeness and the other withdrawing. But a lot of times therapists don't ask about the sexual relationship. And sometimes we see, even within those relationships where there's a demand withdrawal pattern in terms of emotional closeness, we see those roles reversed in the sexual relationship. Yeah. We see a lot of men pursuing sex and the women withdrawing. And so I think that gives a clearer picture of what might be going on in some of these relationships, it's not that somebody is is entirely avoidant of connection. But rather they're maybe both going about it in different ways.

Rebecca: 22:59

Yeah. I think that's a great point that often in couples where there's different satisfaction levels, They're attempting different solutions to fix the gap between them. And often that's what Makes them, really struggle or feel stuck. One of the interesting things, and you talked a little bit about this, is how it's really common for some of these relationships where one person is satisfied to really feel like they're deteriorating. And I think part of that is that while one partner may feel like this works for me, the other partner is really experiencing a lot of dissatisfaction. And again, like I said earlier, it's really painful to be the only one who feels like aware that anything is wrong. We're like, this ship is sinking. Is anybody else aware? The water's getting high, right? Pretty soon we're going to be drowning. And I think it's really interesting. There was this one quote from one of the male participants where he talks about,"I grow exasperated and she cries, bemoans her lower sex drive after children. And so it's this idea that he is really grasping, for anything and when he engages her and says,"Hey, I'm really not okay with how things are." she doesn't really have space for that. She's, Ugh, I know." so maybe she knows, but she also kind of doesn't know, in some ways she maybe takes on a victim role of then it's all about her, and her lower sex drive rather than either of them really approaching this and trying to figure out like, yeah, how do we change this? Why do you have a lower sex drive after children? There's not a lot of curiosity for maybe either of them. In some ways both complaining that this has just happened to them, which obviously there are, we've talked about there's medical changes that can happen. There are body changes that can happen. But in some ways, not really taking a lot of ownership of, what is the destiny of our sex life When are we going to take this into our own hands? Which I think is interesting and contributes to why, some people in this group also get stuck, like we've talked about in some of the other groups. It wasn't quite as common in this group but it did occur for some people, this getting stuck.

Adam: 24:49

Yeah. Let's talk for a second about what couples in this situation can do.

Rebecca: 24:53

Yeah.

Adam: 24:53

How do they how do you get out of this? How do you navigate different situations where a man might be unhappy in the sexual relationship and a woman might be more happy. one thing that can come up pretty often is that men oftentimes view sex as a way to generate emotional closeness. I think couples can really get into a tricky dynamic. I've talked about this kind of pursue withdrawal sort of thing, but I think a lot of times if men try to initiate sex they might be pushed off or rejected. Something that happens a lot of time with couples is a female partner, might be saying I want to be able to have more sex, but I need to be less stressed. I need this to be done. I need these circumstances to be ready. I need to be able to trust you, there are all of these maybe checklists that women need to feel safe to be able to engage in sex, right? And I think a lot of times men might be saying, let's engage in sex, let's have sex. And then, after sex, you'll see how great it was and you'll see that you can trust me. And you didn't have anything to worry about. And sometimes I have to tell men we've got to explore and figure out more than one way where you can feel connected to your partner that doesn't just have to do with sex. So if your partner says they don't want to have sex, you can say something along the lines of, okay, do you want to do this? Do you want to do this? Or maybe we could try this?" And if you can figure out how to communicate this desire to be connected, and to build connection with a partner then I think a lot of times the drive to initiate sex becomes less desperate.

Rebecca: 26:27

Yes.

Adam: 26:28

And tricky though, I can't just be initiating some other activity, right? I'm gonna take you on this date or I'm gonna go do this other activity with you so that we can have sex at the end of it, right? Yeah. If it's clear there's an agenda to this, then it's not going to be productive. And I really have to encourage men and challenge that thinking a lot of times that no, you did this other activity so it could lead to sex, but we need to find something that you two do that you feel great about, and that you feel connected with each other with afterward that isn't sex, and that you could do by itself, And not be resentful about not being connected through sex.

Rebecca: 27:06

Yeah, no, I like that. I think, yeah, a lot of times men come with ulterior motives. And then that puts their partner in the position of, maybe I need to resist earlier, because they're trying to get to this place I'm not ready to go, but really I might be open to something. I'm just not fully open to sex. But yeah, actually, as you're saying, that's actually something I feel like you do really well. And I think the first time it happened, it was actually like surprising. I think there was some time you had introduced the idea of us having sex and I had declined for whatever reason. And I think you instead said, can we cuddle or something?" And I was like, yeah. And then when we did, it was like, that was really it. I didn't feel any sort of sense that we were going to cuddle and then somehow that was going to convince me. Mmhmm. But, I could actually feel, And I think you can feel anxiety in your partner, but I could feel the lack of anxiety, right? That there was no ulterior motive, that you were actually really enjoying the cuddle, that the cuddle was serving the same purpose as sex, which was to feel close to one another. And yeah. Hey, there you go. Congratulations.

Adam: 28:10

Men take me as an example. I wasn't the

Rebecca: 28:14

You weren't fishing for that.

Adam: 28:15

I leading toward that. Here we go.

Rebecca: 28:17

But yeah, I do think when something like that happens, as a woman, it does feel like, Oh, he really did want to be close to me. And I think it feels like it broadens options when your partner can ask for different things they need. It's not always the exact same thing. When you're dating, A lot of times you're not always just having sex, right? There's a lot of different things you do because of the different barriers. Maybe you don't live alone or whatever it is, right? And so there's a lot more variety and also like growing tension, it's not always sex every single time. And so I think it's really nice it's when your partner can find, like you were saying, different ways to feel connected and to feel satisfied with you. And I think it just makes you feel as the partner makes you feel like this person wants me, not just the orgasm that they can get through having sex with me. And I think that's so key to, feeling really connected to your partner.

Adam: 29:13

Yeah. You know, It makes me think of John Gottman. He gave an explanation one time that I'd never heard before about how porcupines have sex. I probably talked about this on this other episode where they put their face on their partner and just slowly rub it and then walk behind them to see if they've relaxed their quills enough in order for them to enter. And I think that's just a funny example, but I think it goes to show, it's another approach here to broaden the tool belt, find some things you like to do to feel connected. But also, there is an element here that you need to find ways to relax a partner and to check in with your partner about their level of stress or their openness to sex and so continue to find ways to engage each other to keep the lines of communication open related to sex. And I think a lot of times if men can maybe hang in there a little bit longer and handle the rejection, they get a little bit better at it.

Rebecca: 30:03

Yeah. Yeah you sharing that too reminds me, and I don't know who said this, maybe you'll remember, I want to say it was Esther Perel, but I could be wrong about that, but somebody said that foreplay starts the second that sex ends. So in your last time that you had sex that's when your foreplay has started right? Everything from that point on is for right for play for the next time you have sex, And so I think a lot of times people are thinking about sex like five minutes before they're gonna have it and I think really, you have to consider that the way you're treating your partner generally in between times is really going to predict how ready that partner is to receive you. I think that goes for both partners, but you really need to think about what are the ways that I'm Setting my partner up to be open to me? Am I inviting? Am I open? Am I engaging? Am I paying attention? All those things, I think, are going to make a partner feel more open to engaging with you when you are ready to engage in sex.

Adam: 31:02

Yes. Broadening this idea of what sex is and recognizing it's everything. It's everything you're doing through the day. It's playfulness. It's spontaneity and integrating all of these areas into your life really create an atmosphere for improved sexuality. Yeah. So fostering That type of connection creates an environment, like you said, it's foreplay. It's all sex. It's all contributing to this atmosphere where both partners are going to be interested and engaged. So hopefully that gives everybody a couple of things to think about if they might be in this group or know somebody, if you want to give unsolicited advice to a friend, you can uh, you can, pass this over to them. But but hopefully this gets the wheels turning and we'll see you next time when we talk about the next group where both partners are dissatisfied. We'll dive into that next. So until then. Thanks for being our loyal keepy uppies. Is that what we decided? Is that the name of our listeners? I'm going, I'm rolling with it. I think that was my idea. So thanks for listening keepy uppies. This is a keep it up with the Joneses and we'll see you next time.

Rebecca: 32:15

Thank you for listening to Keeping it Up with the Joneses. For more content, follow us on Instagram or Facebook. If you enjoyed what you heard today, please do these three things. First, subscribe to the podcast on Apple Podcast, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform. Second, rate and review the podcast, and third, share your favorite episode with a partner, friend, or family member. We are grateful for your support and look forward to joining you next week. Until then, keep it up. Does the metronome turn off by itself, or do I always have to turn it off? One, two. Will you talk into your mic for just a second? So I can test it.

Adam: 34:56

Yes, this is me talking into the microphone.

Rebecca: 35:00

Okay, when you're ready, do you want to welcome us in or do you want me to welcome us in? Welcome. Maybe I'll do the welcome. And then you

Adam: 35:08

Try it out. You

Rebecca: 35:09

want to

Adam: 35:09

try it? Yeah, give it a shot. I'll give

Rebecca: 35:11

it a go. Yeah.

Adam: 35:12

It's your big moment.

Rebecca: 35:13

I'll give it the old college try.

Adam: 35:14

Kick us off.

Rebecca: 35:15

Okay.

35:17

this podcast is brought to you by Subway. We didn't call it a six inch sub for nothing. Jared ruined it for us. You'd be surprised that our largest customer, Are men who just want to be able to compare. Wait a minute, why the hell is that a commercial? Oh, oh! Subway! Okay, got it! Okay, is there anything else we need to add to that? The only time men buy a 6 inch sub is to compare. Otherwise they're buying a 12 inch, and we know it's smaller than that. If they buy a 12 inch, we know they're compensating. Or we could say, This podcast is sponsored by six inches. The length that every lover of men love most. Six inches. That's the average, right? Yeah. Somewhere there. Five, six. Well, I'm not going to say five. Average penis length. Okay. I should probably spell it right. Otherwise, I don't know what I got to, okay, did I ever tell you about, I think I did tell you about the time I was looking up Dick's Sporting Goods and I just typed in dicks. com and that's when I realized that was probably a really bad idea. Oh, actually, I'm wrong. The average length of an erect penis is 5. 1 and 5. 5 inches. Wait, what? What? Y'all. I'm supposed to say 5 to 6. Yeah, but 5. 5 is not 6. Men, you are, you've been rounding up this whole time. I feel betrayed. I feel betrayed. Brought to you by rounding up. Cause 5. 1 is not, does not round up to 6. Y'all, y'all lying to me. What did, what did the kids say? Y'all capping. Y'all been cappin this whole time. I feel gaslit. Have I been thinking at six inches this whole time? Has it really been five? It's fine. My vagina, my vagina's not that long. It's fine. Really. I think for most women, we just need you to hit about two to three inches inside. That's where the sweet spot's at. This podcast is brought to you by the G Spot. Ch ch ch ch ch ch ch. Find me! That feels good! Right on that spot. Dooby dooby do, uh G Spot. Yeah!