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Welcome to Detoxing from The Matrix Podcast, formerly known as Soulbriety, where we talk all things awakening, ascension, consciousness, and the recovery of self, soul, and spirit from being strung out on the greatest drug of all the external matrix. This podcast is a place for illuminating conversations that will take you from divided to divine, into purpose and suffering to sovereignty, while we detox the fuck out of your mind, body, and soul from all those limited programs of separation, struggle, scarcity, and pain. I'm your host, Lindsey Carracardi, and this podcast is for all the rebel souls who seek to live deeply, authentically, and fully expressed as the divine badasses you are. 1s Note this episode was originally recorded when it was Sobriety Podcast and has been added here to Detoxing from The Matrix. Due to copyright issues on the name Sobriety, I have no affiliation with the trademark Sobriety brand or method. 2s Hello, divine badasses. It's Lindsay here once again for another divine download of Sobriety podcast. And I am your fellow seeker of truth. I am a new thought spiritual practitioner and spiritual psychology coach. I'm a teacher, I'm a speaker, and I am a published author. And on this divine download of Sobriety podcast, we are talking about of the original trauma, if you will, the trauma of self rejection. So I just invite you to join me in taking a nice big, deep breath in. Let's just take this moment to get centered, get present, drop into our bodies and be here now for this beautiful conversation that we are about to have 1s and exhaling out. And just taking this moment to recognize. I recognize the power and the perfection of each one of you. I recognize the power and perfection of your life, your life path, your life expression, every version of you that you have been, every version of you that you are right now, and every version of you that you are remembering, you are and stepping into. I just recognize the perfection in all of it because I know and I declare that our entire lives are expressions. They are expressions of us as individualized fractals of the one mind, the one source, the I am. And so they are nothing short but perfection. And so in this knowing, I just recognize that our life experiences are perfection. And I say thank you. I say thank you to the traumas. I say thank you to the misunderstandings. I say thank you to the upsets. I say thank you to the people that I once thought harmed me and now I can recognize, blessed me with my own growth. Thank you to the triggers. Thank you to the wounds and the pain and the heavy, dense emotions that have allowed me to move, to awaken and to expand into the knowingness, into the remembrance of who I am. And I say thank you to each one of you for being on this journey with me, because I know that your wounds, your traumas, your pains, your upsets have all been a perfect part of the whole that is you. And with so much gratitude, I just welcome you to this episode today. I welcome you to this conversation. I released this up knowing that our conversation is divinely guided. This is a divine download. And so there is a quote by Henry J. M. Nolan, a win. 1s And he says. 2s Selfrejection is simply seen as the neurotic expression of an insecure person. But neuroses is often the psychic manifestation of a much deeper human darkness, the darkness of not feeling truly welcome in human existence. Selfrejection is the greatest enemy of spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice within that calls us the beloved. 2s And I wanted to lead with this because I just feel like the last sentence especially self rejection is the greatest enemy of spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that calls us the beloved. Here is what I have come to know, and I'm going to share a little bit more about my personal story growing up and my own experience with self rejection to really illustrate this. But what I have come to know is that there is nothing that is a greater truth than the truth that we, you, I, every single one of us is simultaneously experiencing life as the individuals that we are. So as separate 1s as well as being the aspect, the expression of the one spirit god's source that each one of us is. So you want to talk about a paradox. You want to talk about a polarizing, dualistic, mind fucking expanding, brain exploding paradox. It's that right? Because we have our little ego mind, that little identity entity cells that want so deeply to be understood and to be valued and to have an identity, right? And that part of the mind, that part of the brain, if you will, part of the psyche. The personality relies so much on psychology. Kind of control, right? And that's why it will fight so hard when we start to awaken and we start to come into the remembrance of ourselves as greater than this individualized expression that ego self can have a hard time with it. So that ego self is also the aspect of self that we are sitting in rejection of self. 2s So I found myself off very early on in life. I was very young when I started experiencing self rejection. Now I was not 1s conscious that I was experiencing self rejection. I didn't know, oh, hey, I have all of this anxiety and these panic attacks because I'm having a massive shame response to my self rejection. Nobody knew that. Nobody knew that that was going on with me. Right? I internally so much of this feeling as a child and I would play it off like I was fine. And so early on. 2s My parents would just kind of say, oh, she's shy, right? When I wouldn't want to talk to somebody. And it was just it just became this, like, known thing or this ongoing thing that I would sometimes just look at people with huge eyes, and I would have no voice and I wouldn't want to, you know, when I would meet relatives and stuff that I was supposed to like, oh, hey, I would have all this anxiety. And I would clam up and I used to literally put my hands up, palms facing out when I was up upset. And I would shake my hands and I would say, don't see me, don't see me. As though I could make myself disappear. 1s It's quite funny, right? And that's one of the favorite stories that is told in my family about things that I used to do as a child. 2s And it's funny. On one sense it is funny, right? Like, don't see me, don't see me. The things that kids do, it's hilarious. And on a deeper sense, it's like, what was I really actually kind of going through? What was I telling myself? What was I believing? What was the identity that I was stuck in as a child that had me wishing I could disappear, that wanted people not to see me? And the truth of it was this. And again, I didn't know this in hindsight, but I was in a massive spiral of self rejection. I inherently thought that there was something wrong with me and anytime I was in the position to really be seen so projects, presentations, book reports in class, I don't know if kids still do those today, but we sure had to. And we would have to do these presentations and it was like hell on earth for me having to do these presentations. Like I would write these book reports or I would create these projects and I would always feel so stupid about my creation. I would never feel like it was good enough, right? And so by default, I felt like it was an extension of me. And so I was so afraid that if my book report or my project or my presentation sucked, that was going to be a reflection on me. Nobody was going to like me, everybody was going to hate me. And I was just constantly in that rejection of self before anybody else could reject me, right? Because the thought process is that if I reject myself first, then I'm protecting myself. So I went on that way through a lot of elementary school. And probably around fifth or 6th grade, I started to play softball and I started to get into sports. And I always was really into different sports and stuff. I was super into gymnastics when I was younger. And there were quite a few different times I wanted to do dance and I wanted to do tap. But then my mother would enroll me and I would have a panic attack and then I wouldn't want to go. It wasn't like she was making me like she didn't care whether I did it or not. She probably preferred that I didn't do it, right? Because it's one more thing. She's going to cart three kids around, right? 2s But I wanted to deeply within me. I wanted to do these things. And then I would be given the opportunity and I would sort of freak out and shut down, and I would stop going because I constantly felt like, I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I'm doing. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. There's something wrong with me. So then in about 56 grade, I started playing softball. And I loved that. And something happened around that that age. And I'm guessing this is just part of a psychological development too. We start to really kind of develop a bit of that ego self. And so this ego identity kind of kicked in for me, and it was very much rooted in, well, I don't care, right? I don't care. I don't care. And I would walk around trying to be a perfectionist. I would go through school and I would get really good grades, and I would people please all over my house. I would do all the things my mom wanted. I was constantly trying to help, oh, can I set the table? Can I do this? I was just doing whatever I thought that they wanted me to do to just please everybody. And I just developed this persona as this perfect little non trouble making child. And then, of course, that all sort of shifted when I got to around 8th grade, where I went full flip the switch, go the other way into full rebellion. Just full rebellion. I got my first F in English, which is ridiculous because I always have had my face and nose buried in a book. I've always read ahead of my age, when I was younger and in development, I just consumed the written word. I loved books, I loved writing. So I was really smart and school was never hard for me. But the moment I had a teacher I didn't like, especially after 7th grade, it just was all hell broke loose. 1s And I was just caught in the spiral of self sabotage, which then, of course, just perpetuated my self rejection, right? And so I can look back in hindsight and I can remember my grandma had this paper on her refrigerator of her summer house. And she used to come and visit us where we lived. We lived up around Lake Hakan, which was this beautiful lake in New Jersey, and it was just such a great place to grow up. And my grandma had a summer house there, so she would just come in the summer. But I just never forget in her old house, she had this paper on magnet to her refrigerator, and she had this old white refrigerator. It's from like, I don't even know, like, the 60. 3s The paper had this little boy, a drawing of this little boy with like a frowny face. And then in big block letters around it, it said, I know I am somebody because God don't make no junk. And this is my Italian grandmother. She started Catholic. To this day, she still does. Catholic Mass On TV she loves her Catholicism and I love her for it because her understanding of God was never her that of like a punishing God. She never came at me with that idea of God, that God was vengeful or God was going to smite me or blast me into hell. She was always telling me that God loved us, right, and would always love me. And that again, I know I am somebody because God don't make no junk. Right? So I constantly had that kind of view of myself of like, okay, I know I am somebody because God don't make no junk. And I simultaneously was having this experience of there's something wrong with me, so how can I know I am somebody because God don't make no junk. But simultaneously feel like there is absolutely 100%, without a doubt something fucking wrong with me. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me. I'm going to eat some worms. You guys remember that phrase that say 1s and so I was caught in this paradox, this dichotomy of wanting so badly to believe I know I am somebody because God don't make no junk, but then rejecting myself. And this brings me back to our quote by Mr. Nauen. Self rejection is the greatest enemy of spiritual life because it contradicts the sacred voice that causes us to be lovin, right? So I was accessing that sacred voice through my grandmother, through when she would tell me that I would feel it, but then I would also contradict it through this self rejection voice, right? And again, the start of the quote self rejection is simply seen as the neurotic expression of an insecure person. But neurosis is often the psychic manifestation of a much deeper human darkness, the darkness of not feeling truly welcomed in human existence. And this is where the trauma begins, you guys. This is where the trauma begins. I have done trauma work sessions on myself and my clients where we have clear trauma from within the womb from the moment of birth, from the baby feeling the mother's overwhelmed, stress, disappointment, the baby feeling, the father's feeling some type of way or maybe it was a girl and they wanted a boy, 1s all different things. The parent already being overwhelmed and then trying to worrying about resources, the baby internalizing that. The list goes on and on and on, right? Yeah. But all of this feeds into this idea of not feeling truly welcome in human existence. Everything from the moment of our birth, when we look at the way so many of us were birthed into cold, dark, stark hospitals, right, where there was no love, the moment we got pulled out or cut open and yanked out on Ceremoniously, there was no joy, there was no happy music playing. It wasn't peaceful, it was noisy, it was chaotic, it was stressful. And then we get born into families where these dynamics are playing out, right? So, for me, I was a middle child, I was a second child. I had an older sister who had her own stuff going on, and she was not happy that she then had a younger sister. And I internalized all of that. I internalized all of it. Right? So, yeah, you better believe that I never felt truly welcome in human existence. And I think that this is one of the biggest patterns, the biggest loops, that so many of us, as light workers, as star seeds, as powerful, powerful, powerful, highly conscious souls are caught in this loop of, like. 1s Not feeling welcome in this human existence. It feels clunky, it feels off. We got born into families who trust and believe. We chose, right? We chose it all perfectly. 1s But the awareness in beginning to be able to see and recognize and admit, wow, okay. 1s This self rejection is a psychic manifestation of a much deeper human in darkness. The darkness of not feeling truly welcome and human existence. 1s So then I can't help but ask myself as I reflect back on this and I see my own just decades in self projection, right? Decades of that loop, beating myself up internally, feeling shame every time I mess it up, being convinced that nobody likes me. One of my core commands that I've unearthed recently is, it's my fault. It doesn't matter what it is, my command, my belief, my identity was it's my fault. So if you are unhappy, it's my fault. If something didn't work out, it's my fault. If I didn't do something right? It's just my fault. If somebody's upset, it's my fault. If there's traffic, it's my fault. So on a subconscious level, this is what's been going on, right? This is the power of doing trauma work. It's like you start to identify these core creative beliefs, these core creative commands that we said to ourselves in some moment of trauma that continue to shape our existence. So I uncovered this command, funny enough, by a more recent trauma. I uncovered this command by going back and doing trauma process on the moment when I got the phone call that my sister had killed herself, right? So in 2020, she ended her own life. And when my mom called me, it was like just this complete moment of trauma. And in doing the process of myself, I finally was able to release just the snap that happened in that moment, the shutting down and very, very subtly. 2s I heard the words it's my fault in my own mind when my mother was telling me that my sister was dead and that she had ended her life. 2s So if you can imagine, 1s that wasn't the first time I said that to myself. That's the point here, right? The first time I said that to myself went way, way back. Whack. It went back to growing up around my sister, who was very emotionally volatile and had her own issues our whole life, and my father, also very emotionally volatile, and me just feeling like everybody's upsets were all my fault. So that had been following me my whole life. And you can just then stack on to the story that I was telling myself, well, if I could be better, if I could be my perfect, if I could be smaller, if I could be different, everybody would be happy. Everything would be okay. And then when I can't do that because it's not in my power to control anybody else's experience, there would go the self rejection. Do you guys see how deeply these webs we weave are? The webs we weave through trauma, the webs we weave through trying to be who we're not. 1s It's not that I wasn't intelligent. It's not that I wasn't innately a good person who wanted to help out my mom. But a lot of the things that I was doing, I was trying to prove my fucking worth. 2s And you guys every time you try to be something you're not. And this is why I love human design so much, because it tells us who we are. It tells us how our energy is meant to flow. It tells us about how we're meant to navigate the world. And anything that we try to be that's not in that design, it's perpetuating the self rejection, right? And we do that. And that's where the Cook dependency comes from. The people pleasing it all comes from this core feeling of, I am not welcome in this human existence. There's something wrong with me. And it doesn't matter even where it comes from. Like, you can go into this loop of analyzing it, and it doesn't even matter. It doesn't even need to be evaluated. What needs to happen is the emotional charge needs to be cleared out, 1s and you need to be able to begin to believe that you do belong here. You are the beloved, embodied. You are so welcomed in human existence. Anything contrary to that is a thought in mind. It's just an identity. It's a story, it's a program, it's a command. It's an erroneous thought in your mind. 2s And all of these things start in mind. So when we can clear out the mind, when we can release the stories and the identities, then we can begin to truly believe and recognize and remember in an embodied way that we do belong. We are so welcome and that that sacred voice that calls us the beloved is the true voice and universal law free will. So you all always have the option to create from whatever place you want to experience. And that's the brilliance of it, okay? To bring it to closing, the brilliance of it all is the recognition that all of the identities, the stories, the thoughts in mind of self rejection, of I'm not good enough, of I'm not worthy, of all the things you may be telling yourself, it's not a waste. They serve the purpose. It's the relative experience that is needed in this polarized, third dimensional, physical construct called life that we are living in, right? Spirit comes to know itself through self contemplation. For Spirit to know itself, God, it has to have a self to contemplate, which is where we come in. We can't contemplate ourselves to be something more than something we haven't experienced. So whatever it is you are experiencing, if it's lack of worthiness, if it's self rejection, if it's self doubt, if it's fear, if it's scarcity, if it's whatever it is you're having that experience so that you can come. To know yourself as the opposite of that experience. It's through the relative experiences you're currently having that you're going to come to know yourself as spirit, as infinite, divine, health, wealth, abundance, freedom, liberation, sovereignty, expression. This is it, you guys. This is what we are doing here. This is sobriety. That's the sobering up, the drugs, the being strung out, the substances, the codependency. On the level, I'm talking about it. That's the erroneous thoughts, right? So in the physical world, we reach for the drugs, drama, the relationships, the sex, the gambling, the substance, whatever it is internally in the mind. We reach for the thoughts that are like, you're not good enough. You're not worthy. You suck, you're not welcome here. Self rejection, right? That's the heroin, that's the alcohol, that's the sex. 2s When we change the thoughts, we no longer have anything that we need to medicate. We can come back into the knowingness of the truth. And that is what it means to be living in celebrity, right? It's releasing the addiction and the dependence to the thoughts that create limitation, the thoughts that create pain, the thoughts that create offering. So, my friends, that is what we are really doing here. That's what this conversation is really all about. That's what my work is really all about. So today I just want to close us out with a powerful, powerful prayer, powerful, powerful mind treatment, because I do truly just know the truth in these words. And I recognize that each and every one of you is having the perfect divine experience for the unfolding of you. Coming to know yourself as spirit, contemplating yourself as the divine embodied, which means abundance, it means miracles, it means flow, it means health, it means expression, it means liberation, it means sovereignty, it means you have a purpose. It means that you are the creator of your life. The only person who gets to say and feel, whether you are welcome or not is you. And that is the power restored. No one can make you feel anything that you are not telling yourself already. So I declare right here, right now, that each one of you knows yourself as the divine, as the beloved, as spirits. And that is it. It is done. It's the law. It is word, it is released. It is done. It's done in my mind. It's done in the divine. Now go forth and live your lives as that. And I just released this word up, knowing it is done, and so it is. And I just love each one of you so much. 1s Feel free to reach out to me on The Socials. I hope you enjoyed this episode and I will see you guys in the next episode. 2s Hey Divine Badass, thanks again for tuning in and being here on Detoxing from The Matrix, where we talk all things awakening, ascension, consciousness and the recovery of self, soul and spirit from being strung out on the greatest drug of all the external Matrix. If you know someone who would benefit from our illuminating conversations, please don't hesitate to share this podcast with a friend. And if you loved this episode or the podcast as a whole, don't forget to leave a review. It really helps spread the message and expand the collective. Don't hesitate to connect with me over on The Socials. You can find me all over the place at I Am Lins Karakardi. I've really been having a blast over on TikTok with some great content and conversations. You can also find me on IG or in my Facebook community, The Money Matrix Detox. Be sure to check out the links below in the description for all the connections on social media, other ways we can connect, some free gifts and resources that will support your own awakening ascension, as well as ways that we can work together.