Episode 26: Navigating the Intricacies: Blended Families, Relationships, and Children's Emotional Needs

How you can find the harmony between your busy life and nurturing a relationship, while ensuring your children's emotional needs are met? Do you struggle with the thought of blending families, and how that affects your children's lives? Join us as we tackle these dilemmas head-on, as we navigate through personal experiences, share insights, and offer practical advice.

The episode takes off with an intimate reflection on Jane's daughter's 18th birthday, a moment that made her realize the importance of not rushing into a new chapter without ensuring that everyone is on board. We also discuss the challenges and dynamics of blended families. This is not just about our personal experiences, but a shared journey as we find ways to set clear expectations, ensure inclusivity, and ultimately create a home that caters to everyone.

We take a deep dive into the realms of co-parenting and the significance it has when entering a relationship. The conversation is sparked with insights drawn from Janice's background as an educator and personal experiences, as she shares how introducing a new person into her family unit was carefully navigated with her daughters’ love and protection in mind. We are here to share, learn, and offer advice on how you can manage future relationships, prioritize your children's emotional responses, and set boundaries that can help create a successful blended family. Tune in, as we embark on this emotional roller-coaster ride together.

Be sure to LIKE, SHARE, and SUBSCRIBE/FOLLOW. 

AND - join us on YOUTUBE to see our very real faces:))

Got a story to share? Email us at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

computer computer. Can you watch once I start from around the way? My life was never.

Speaker 2: 0:19

And you're listening to Dumpster Diving with Janice and Jane. Welcome guys, what another fun episode we're going to have here.

Speaker 1: 0:30

It's the best I am. This can be a little self serving, but our audience, I think, knows as well enough by now that they'll expect it. I was just listening to our last episode on self care and so I think I think everybody knows by now that this isn't exactly a high end production type of situation. This is two regular people who have really demanding lives who are trying to like squeeze in a podcast because they feel like they're bringing value and so it's all low rent and so, no, we don't actually listen to our episodes before we post them.

Speaker 2: 1:05

You get whatever it is that we record, that's right, it's just as surprising to us or to you as it is to us.

Speaker 1: 1:12

Exactly, it's beautiful. So I was just listening and it was good.

Speaker 2: 1:16

I haven't listened to it. Honestly, I haven't had a chance to like go back because in in I like listening to our podcast on the way to work when it's quiet and everything else. And lately my life has been so chaotic and all over the place and driving extra days and all the extra stuff and taking phone calls. I mean, I've been on more phone calls in the car this week, then I have in months and I haven't really had a chance to like have that, that downloader, that decompress time that I would normally listen to us.

Speaker 1: 1:47

Hold on, so you're not engaging in self care, is what I hear you saying.

Speaker 2: 1:51

You're not Okay. Hold on, hold on. I've caught up. I got my nails did, that's true. You get my head Hold on.

Speaker 1: 1:59

Let me set the picture. Let me set the picture, you guys. So we'll you need to make it, not make it, we need to like take a pick. You got to get a picture where, with the hair like design, so we can like include it in some of our posts about this episode, because Jane's got this whole like I'm going to call it Halloween dude, just because the shaving on the side of her head looks like a spider web, but it looks amazing. So, yes, I love seeing you like put together, not because other times you're not put together, but because I know you've invested in yourself, so love it Right.

Speaker 2: 2:29

Well, thank you. Thank you so much, and I got a lot of you know. What's funny is that I actually do this design multiple times throughout the year and the only time I get compliments on it is during Halloween time, because apparently it's appropriate other times of the year. Right, you're free but this time, yeah, but this time, I am spirited.

Speaker 1: 2:48

I am spirited.

Speaker 2: 2:49

Oh and let's mention, not to mention so at my work, you know, aka solar solar foundation tech center, aka Hogwarts, you know. So we all have our all of us, all of our whole team is all broken out into the different Hogwarts houses and stuff like that, and I am the leader of the puff, and so when I am the leader of something, I take it very seriously and I'm already the queen bee, I have the tattoo to prove it and everything else from the Hufflepuffs, as you know, are black and yellow, so my whole office is bees and black and yellow. And today I am wearing my Hogwarts Hufflepuff t-shirt with my, with my robe Hufflepuff robe, hooded robe and then I am wearing my school bus yellow chucks. I am out today. I am, I am representing in the house of houses.

Speaker 1: 3:42

So I saw the Hogwarts stuff and I was like in my head I was like, damn, I didn't know she was that big of a fan. Because we are like. Our family has that tradition every Christmas, through the holidays, we watch all the movies at some point.

Speaker 2: 3:52

I love it, I love it.

Speaker 1: 3:54

I had no idea.

Speaker 2: 3:55

Very cool. Look at you, yeah.

Speaker 1: 3:56

So I was. So, yes, I was listening and being self-serving and saying I really loved it. But I loved it because it is very much this idea of, like we say in the episode, self-care is so prominent right now, but we take a totally different angle. So that is everything all that to say to our folks who are listening to this episode. If you skipped to the last one, you gots to go back, because the episode I think it's episode eight on self-care is like freaking amazing. So make sure you go listen to it.

Speaker 1: 4:25

But now let's build on. Like you're talking about how crazy busy you've been, etc. And this, this conversation today, is going to be kind of a little bit about like starting off with relationships and going into blended families. We've been wanting to talk about blended families for a while now because we know that so many of the folks who are listening in right now have either been a part of a blended family as a kid or currently an adult parent in a blended family, or at least know somebody who's navigating the waters, if you will, of blending families, which are pretty complex. But let's start off with like just the kind of early part of this which is relationships, because I know Chris wasn't in town, so he was and it was lovely yeah, it was lovely.

Speaker 2: 5:11

We had a great time and he was here from like late Thursday night till early Tuesday morning, so he had a good, you know, four or five full days with me and the girls and just in in my world, right.

Speaker 2: 5:25

So I went to go see him back in late August, early September, and spent several days out there and for me you know well, for both of us it was a really great trip. We got to, you know, learn more about each other and talk and all those things and and spend time together, physical time, because we that's the first time we met in person and so and we hit it off, it was great and and for me, when I was there, I was able to relax, I didn't have to worry about anything, I had zero responsibilities and he was so sweet and like, practically serving me and I'm like, if this is the way my life is going to be, you know, but it's not real. I like you a lot, you're cool, you're super nice and I've never been treated so well and everything else. And I mean he is just a doll, you know, but I didn't have my normal day to day, so him coming out here oh yeah.

Speaker 2: 6:17

I was like nervous. I was nervous and not because I'm like I was not that I was worried about anything between him and I, but you guys y'all know that I've got kids and I have very strong, independent young ladies as kids in my house right now. My two older ones are very strong and independent as well, but these two young ladies are my ride or dies, you know. It's been mostly just the three of us for the last 10 years, you know. And so yes, I've had other relationships and stuff like that, but even the relationships I've been in, they weren't that involved and the girls and I kind of just had our own little gig, you know, and and so their opinion matters so much to me.

Speaker 2: 7:02

And as if our long-time listeners, our long-time listeners, will know all of the, the beginning of this, of season one, yeah, all of my convictions, you know, and about relationships, I have a few my convictions about relationships and and all of those things and boundaries I set for myself. So when he came out here and in my element and I was at work or and and working with the kids and going out with them and taking him with us and starting the blend right, like how is this all gonna work and, and you know, and, and do they like each other? Stuff like that really fucked with my head.

Speaker 2: 7:40

I have to admit it really, really did, because it wasn't him or the kids. And, mind you, my daughters are very protective over me because they've seen the shit that I've gone through, but let's not forget, they've been through it too. So they're protective over them and our household and our territory, right. So they are the front line of the doxy den. You know snarling at the at the front gate. You know like who needs a guard dog. When you got two very protective daughters, which is so funny, but they protect me like I protect them. That's right and boy, if that isn't, you know, heartwarming and and everything else and and just to even further it last night we so, oh, should I out you right now?

Speaker 1: 8:30

oh my god, you know what fine fine okay, guys.

Speaker 2: 8:34

So my daughter's birthday was on Thursday. She turned 18, chasey pants, she's 18. So we went out to dinner last night with her friends and I took them to sushi and stuff like that. And one of the one of her friends was explaining that her parents are on the road a lot, going to her sister softball games, college softball games. I'm like, did they forget that they have a teenage daughter at home? And she's like I've never thought about that. I'm like, oh shit, oh god, oh, I just coach, wait, it's time to pop. Shut up, shut up. Yeah, like, erase everything that I just said, um, but we were talking and she was like, actually, it's kind of nice because they're, you know, my older sister's there and it's fine and it's kind of chill, you know whatever. And I was like, oh, I'm sure the girls wish I would go away too. And they both went. No, we like being around. I was like you guys, oh, they're like, no, we don't like it when you leave. And I'm like, oh, okay, well, sorry guys, I'm the cool mom, they like me. It was so sweet. It was so sweet, but we had a good time and everything.

Speaker 2: 9:30

But going back to the, the weekend trip, I mean we had a phenomenal time, you know, we, we went to Six Flags, we went to farmers markets, we went to, you know, did all these things, went to the bluffs and and had a really, really great time. But when he left, I went into a tailspin because I'm like, oh god, you know, because everything's moving fast, you know, and and there was talk of long-term relationship and and moving and and and blending the family and and doing all these things so all of that talk was happening while he was there and then when he left you were kind of like oh shit, yeah like it was like the conversations, there was little things dropped here and there and like, oh, you know, like next spring and this, that and the other, and and I'm like, yeah, going along with it.

Speaker 2: 10:18

But like it hit me like a ton of bricks the morning that he was leaving and I was like I want him to come back, I want to spend more time with him. I don't not want to ever see him again or anything like that, anything like that. But I'm like I'm not ready. I'm ready for all of this. And it really dawned on me Like my inner coach was knocking on my door, going ding, ding, ding, like hey, remember all of those convictions you had at the beginning of the year and all of those things. Like, remember those because you're not ready.

Speaker 2: 10:50

And it fucked with me for a good week. And so and I let him know immediately I was just like look like I'm having these feelings and thoughts and all of these things. And obviously at first it's more of a reactionary response or an emotional reaction. He was definitely confused because we just had a great weekend. I was confused, I mean still in brain. I was like I don't even know what's going on up here, but I know what it was. It was my inner coach, it was my inner child, it was the person that still needs work.

Speaker 2: 11:22

That was like don't do this to yourself. Don't. Because, to be honest, I've done this over and over and over again with all my past relationships. I just bite my tongue, I go with it because it feels good and then because it's easy to do that. But what I don't want, and the reason why I spoke up, is I don't, because if this is a long-term thing, if I do it now, it'll end up failing. Yeah, that's right, I know it will, because that's a cycle. You have to break that fucking cycle and I've always let things happen before and I'm finally at the point in my life where I'm like no, if this is going to be longevity and fruitful, I need to say something now, because I'm already starting to feel like turmoil. And if I don't think it's going to be turmoil and it's not going to be good and people are going to get hurt and it's going to be unfortunate, and so let me interject really quickly.

Speaker 1: 12:25

Two things. First off, so for the folks who are listening, right, jane is talking in a context of a romantic relationship and it's a new relationship, as you guys have heard. And again, if you're coming in mid-sentence, you're going to need to go back a couple episodes to catch up. We're not going to repeat it because we need you to download the other episodes. That's why it's crazy. So go catch up. But so you're talking about a romantic relationship, but so much of what you're talking about really also it applies to any kind of relationship.

Speaker 1: 12:53

I'm sitting here thinking to myself about people who come into your lives as friends, et cetera, right, and just how those boundaries are so important. You've been using the word convictions. I think we're using those two words interchangeably. But back up for just a second though, because you've mentioned the convictions that you kind of made and, frankly, at the sunset of your last relationship, which was a big relationship, a big commitment, it was a marriage and you were really clear, and that was early on in our relationship even you were really clear about these are some things I've learned and some things I've got to stand by. Remind us about what you feel like some of those key ones are, and that way we can relate it to this context.

Speaker 2: 13:33

So the bigger ones were just making sure that my partner, my future partner, everybody has some type of hang up, everybody has baggage and we all do. We're dumpster diving with Janice and Jane. We have this podcast because everybody has a big flaming dumpster fire. Right, we know this. But to be truly healthy and or be working on yourself and not trying to control your environment at all times so that way you can navigate it, but actually doing the work that you need to do to be healthy and to love yourself and to do all of those things before you enter into a relationship, because the other person cannot uphold that happiness and it has to be a balance or partnership. We're not going to be the table and still bring stuff to the table. We have to do it together, and so that was one of my strong convictions not moving in with somebody right away or in less than a year, or two.

Speaker 2: 14:40

Yeah, we got a date for a year or two. After a year then we've kind of depending on how much time we spent together and depending on where we're at financially and everything else, then we'll figure that out. But I cannot end. And on top of that, if I was to move into somebody, we're both moving out of our old situations into a new situation together, because I've lived in somebody else's house and blooded my family and everything else and felt like a peasant Because it wasn't my house and it wasn't this is mine and this is mine and this is mine. And then even having my own place and having somebody move into mine it's not that it was mine, mine, mine, but it's like I like it the way it is and now I have somebody else coming in saying I don't like this stuff, get rid of it.

Speaker 2: 15:27

I've had that my whole life. We talked about it in self-care, with the tattoos and things being taken away from me and stuff like that. That's one thing like if I'm working with a partner and we are building this room together, we'll decorate it together, but if I already have it done, I don't need a Budweiser sign in the middle or whatever, just leave it. Whatever, I don't know, I'm just kind of picky that way. I'm a visual merchandiser, I love that kind of stuff, so it's almost just like sharing space. I'm not going not sharing my space, exactly Like you said, besides my brother and my sister a lot Besides Devon and Shoko.

Speaker 1: 16:02

But yeah, Holy shit, what does this mean for us? So not moving in with somebody before a certain period, at least a year or two, like you said, was one thing. I feel like another thing I'm trying to remember. Another boundary for you really was give yourself space to just date that you don't actually go into a relationship, a relationship and stuff like that, and we're dating and we're exclusively dating.

Speaker 2: 16:28

We're not like we're no longer talking about future stuff, we're no longer doing any of that, we're just dating, and I'm fine with just dating him. That's fine, so it's just OK, hold on.

Speaker 1: 16:43

What. I'm going to press on that a little bit, ok. Yeah, of course I can't, because you're over there and I'm a big fan of yours about me, so actually I won't press on it. I'll just put something out there for you to think about, right, because I'm your older sister, so I get to do that. You might be the coach, but so I want you to think about.

Speaker 1: 17:05

I do feel like, if I'm remembering correctly and I might not be remembering correctly it's all recorded that one of the things that you did talk about was wanting to explore and just date different people. Now, I know that that can always change. When somebody comes in your life and you're like, no, I'm actually quite comfortable and I get that, and if that's where you are with Chris, I love that, that's great. I will put it out there, though, as a reminder to you, right, that one of the things that you did say was like I have gone from one relationship to another and I've really not given myself space to just date different people. So I just put that out there to.

Speaker 2: 17:35

Sure, no, you're right, you're right, you're 100% right, and so that might be a challenge down the road. I don't know, but right now I'm fine where I'm at and stuff like that and definitely still processing and all of that fun shit, but for right now we're just keeping it chill and, honestly, I don't have time to date somebody else right now or anything. I barely have time to do my nails and my hair let alone, and it's a significant.

Speaker 1: 18:04

What I love about this part of this conversation is that what you said was like look, he left. And all of a sudden I freaked out right, Because it was like we had this great weekend, a lot of hints about long-term stuff, and it made me panic and it made me remind myself about the convictions and boundaries I had established. And then it sounds like and then you two had a really good conversation where you came to some agreement about let's agree on where we are, and it sounds like one of the things you agree to is OK, let's just date the two of us for now, so we can kind of invest in this relationship and really see if it's going to be a long-term thing, but also not talk about long-term, and that was kind of Right At all, yeah.

Speaker 2: 18:43

Like at all, Hold on one second.

Speaker 1: 18:49

Can we have you as the mayor from Anthony's computer, or is?

Speaker 2: 18:52

Anthony the speaker, conference one Conference, one. Yeah, does he have an apple? So the phone is laptop, where you should hit the button here right Right on the screen.

Speaker 1: 19:12

Okay, okay. So I think it makes a lot of sense, like, given how crazy your life is, like, of course, it makes so much sense, actually, that you're just going to focus on one person. And again, like I said, like you know, boundaries, it's, on one hand, we talk about boundaries in terms of, like you know, set a boundary and stick to it, right, but real life is set a boundary and constantly evaluate it, and so what.

Speaker 1: 19:34

I'm saying is that you you evaluated it with this new context and you feel like right now makes a lot of sense, right To focus on relationship, especially because I know you're like you got all kinds of crazy things going on from a work perspective.

Speaker 2: 19:47

Yes, yes, I'm super busy here at the nonprofit and I'm working on I'm helping teach a young adult coaching or workforce development class where I'm teaching leaders or professional development and leadership skills and consultative sales, and they're growing and thriving and we have two more weeks left and it's super exciting. I love these kids are super awesome. And then, not to mention just chasing Genevieve and then, you know, handling all of their stuff and making sure I'm at the right spot to pick up and, you know, from LA to an hour north and so there's just a lot going on. So you know, more than anything, you know I see Chris as a you know he's. He's turning into a best friend, you know he's.

Speaker 2: 20:37

We've developed a really great relationship and I do love him, you know, and and he's an amazing person and such a good person. So like, why would I throw that all the way if I'm not in the headspace for it now? Like we'll just continue building our relationship and see what happens and stuff like that. So that's what we're doing and and I love that because, you know, after the initial reaction, the response was and after conversations and stuff like that were on common ground, and he totally understands and is back full of my boundaries and and the growth that I need to have and the time that I need to have. And he has tons of patients and and I appreciate that.

Speaker 2: 21:15

So you know, and I've never had somebody in my life that's been so normal, like that can handle stuff and like, not take it super personally. Yeah Well, you're normal, yes, but you know and it's and normal is not even what I desire, you know like, but you know what I mean Like somebody that's rational and and that can actually yes, he needs time to process too and, yes, we have those, you know, emotional reactions, but he understands and he gets it and he's patient and he's like, look, like you're it for me and we're not going to talk about that now, but like we'll just figure it out.

Speaker 1: 21:52

And I'm like, ok, we'll just figure it out and, based on how you describe some things, I feel like you know what's really special is that he cares for and about you right, like, and so and and and so and you know, takes care of you right, and we all like that's something that's incredibly important for all of us. Right to have those people in our lives who do that. And I really value the fact that you know he can acknowledge that he feels you know very strongly in terms of can already think about the long term, can already, but is respectful enough to recognize that OK, if that's where you are, that's wonderful. But whether that takes us a year, five years, 10 years to get to, shouldn't matter. If that's where you are and it should be OK to come at your pace, right For him to come at your pace, so that's great. I mean that shows honestly, obviously a lot of maturity, right. Right that both think about it in that way?

Speaker 2: 22:42

Yeah, exactly, and I think that you know more, more so for me than anything it was being in my environment and and the stress that I have going on. I mean, we have very active household, we have pets and we have kids and we have in and out we have four adults or three. Yeah, four adults Now it chases 18, like four adults going back into and from work and school and everything else and it's it's a lot, and I don't get a lot of downtime. I really don't Like. There's always something that I'm getting up for doing. I get hours just to lay around and do nothing, and so I take my little moments and and try to appreciate them. But it was the the thought process because you know, I mean, if we're going to really talk about blended families, when I both are blended family experts at this point I think in I've been you guys we all know that James been married four times, we get it Okay. Well then, talking about it.

Speaker 1: 23:39

So anyway, four, four. So anyways, I'm too behind, so I catch up.

Speaker 2: 23:50

Sorry Joe, she's got some to do, hold on.

Speaker 1: 23:54

Hold on.

Speaker 2: 23:55

You could have sister wives.

Speaker 1: 24:00

I'm completely thrown off guard, but I have no idea what the hell you're. You don't know what sister wives are. I'm thinking, I'm thinking like, yes, I do, but I'm thinking about it in the context of, like, multiple wives for one husband. I'm not. No, no, that's not my game.

Speaker 2: 24:15

Oh, that's not. Oh, okay, okay.

Speaker 1: 24:18

I know it seems like I would be right there on that and right all over that, but I just, I'm just not. Yeah, it's just not my, I'm a one on one kind of gal, so okay.

Speaker 2: 24:28

Nothing like our father.

Speaker 1: 24:33

I don't like to wait my turn, so you know, that's just not for me.

Speaker 2: 24:36

And I don't like sharing. I'm not a big share either. I don't like certain things. I don't share.

Speaker 1: 24:41

But you said it, we are. You know part of the reason. So, as we're shifting now from taking into James relationship and to the broader topic of blended families, you know part of the reason we wanted to put that out there is because and we're going to be doing the next episode is going to be more holiday related, so we're not going to go down the road really of holidays, but holidays always do make us start to really think, evaluate and think about our own families, et cetera. And what, like I said at the top of the episode, right, so many of us are either in situations where we're, you know, fostering blended families or we've been a part of as a kid or whatever it is. And so it made sense to us, as the precursor to the holiday family episodes, to think about, like, what does it start to look like?

Speaker 1: 25:21

Right, when you're early on in a relationship and you can and you see that it's going to be long term and they're children involved, how do you begin to think about the integration of those two families, even early on? And I think this came from our this conversation, right, this idea that you're early on in a relationship, that we're not talking long term about. But if so, what if, hypothetically, put Chris aside, right, your next long term relationship it might be Chris, who knows? Whatever. But just thinking about like the different way you have to approach a relationship when you have kids, right, so so start us off right there and then I can add in but just starting us off like whether you try doesn't even have to be in the moment, it could be like your past marriages, right, but like when you had to. When you begin to think about how to blend, right, because of kids being involved.

Speaker 2: 26:09

You know I have a confession.

Speaker 1: 26:10

Oh God, here we go. Let's hear it.

Speaker 2: 26:13

Here's. Here's James Dumpster. I never put a lot of thought into it before.

Speaker 1: 26:20

Oh, wow I didn't. I love that about you. I love that you just said that out loud, because a lot of people would not want to say that out loud, so good for you.

Speaker 2: 26:30

That's the cold, hard, honest truth is that I really didn't put a lot of thought into it. I was more caught up in my own bullshit and the need to feel like I needed somebody. That not codependency, because I could always do everything on my own and stuff like that, but just needing to be loved and that's why I've been married so many times. I'm I love love, you know, I really do, and that's been the hardest thing for me in. You know, the whole going through a divorce with with my ex-wife and stuff like that is, and even with her, I didn't I didn't, you know, put a lot of thought into it. I was like, look, they're a good person, they get along, they're super nice, my kids will love them, they'll love them, you know, and stuff like that.

Speaker 2: 27:22

And I honestly didn't take my, my, my kids in consideration when or their feelings. It was just kind of like this is what we're doing and that is a direct thing from my mom, you know. It's just like it is what it is and this is what's going to make me happy and move on and whatever, and not until after. You know, like I was a better at it with my ex-wife, but not as good as I should have been, and that's why I need to be really good at it now, because I am so aware and and I don't, I don't want to have a relationship with my kids that I have with my mom, because, not that I, you know, I just have boundaries with her. I won. I'm not that shit crazy. Sorry, I hate to say that, but I'm just not. I'm not that crazy.

Speaker 1: 28:09

Can we take it for full listeners? If you think she's crazy, never mind Sorry.

Speaker 2: 28:13

I think I'm that shit crazy, but I'm not. Um, no, I really didn't, and I and I have to be honest with myself about that. And so the fact that I didn't and that's why I'm so, I have such strong convictions and boundaries now is because I do care about what my daughters think about me. I do care that they know that I love them and that I do take them in consideration. And it's so much stronger now because I have empowered my daughters to talk to me about these things I have. I told them over and over again I want you to talk to me.

Speaker 2: 28:50

And so I actually had to have a conversation with Chase recently and it was about the holidays and stuff like that, which we can get into later, but she felt very strongly about a decision that I made and I told her thank you for telling me. And I said I'm going to change the plan. And she's like why? And I said because it's important to me that you are comfortable, and if you're not comfortable, I'm going to change the direction of what we're doing, because your comfort level is more important to me than me furthering a relationship with somebody that isn't going anywhere and that has said whatever. I'm not going anywhere, we're going to do this, blah, blah, blah. Okay, cool. Well, if they're not going to go anywhere and if they're not going to do anything, I can say these things and I'm not worried anymore. And if that person doesn't like it, then they can go, because these are my kids.

Speaker 1: 29:48

Well and think about that. What a growth piece for you. Right, Because I remember right after the split with your ex-wife, you had a lot of revelations with your kids, right, About how they felt about those relationships and there were plenty of good things, by the way.

Speaker 1: 30:09

Oh yeah yeah, yeah, but that there were some underlying struggles on their part that you didn't necessarily realize or recognize and what you're just saying makes that it all makes sense now, right, it all makes sense. If you went into relationships in the past in that way, so it had to have been really. It doesn't surprise me with that in mind. It doesn't surprise me that Chase's reaction was to be surprised that you would make a change for her, because her experience in the past was like everybody's going to get on board and be fine and everybody was fine right, everybody was fine, but it was not great Exactly, but not great and not 100% happy and going through their own shit because of it and not being vocal about it.

Speaker 2: 30:50

I have worked so hard on my two youngest kids. I didn't get this kind of I wasn't this person. I wasn't the same mom with my two older kids. They got more of the emotional, reactionary mom and stuff like that, and so I'm very thoughtful, I'm very, you know, I've definitely my personality has changed and so it's important to me and I love the relationship that I have with all of my kids, but the ones with Chase and Genevieve is because we're so much closer, because we've spent so much time together and all these things and I'm a different mom now and so I don't want to fuck that up and no relationship is worth fucking up the relationship with my kids if.

Speaker 1: 31:28

I can't. Well, the relationship with your kids is the one that lasts.

Speaker 2: 31:31

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:33

Any relationship could right, but in my mind it's like a parental responsibility. We brought them into this world.

Speaker 2: 31:40

They didn't ask for it. They did not ask for this shit, and so we get to bear at least right.

Speaker 1: 31:44

So let's. So. It's interesting because and you know I can't really explain the why behind kind of, why I have operated the way that I have right In terms of blending a family, and maybe it just comes from the expertise of like being an educator. Supporting so many families right as an educator, supporting thousands of families gives you a lot of. I've seen a lot of shit right.

Speaker 2: 32:10

Right.

Speaker 1: 32:11

And so when you know when and going through my divorce, obviously for my two biological girls. I say that like that because, for those of you who've been listening, joe and I have six kids. They are our kids, but there were two that I brought into the relationship and you know they were middle school, older elementary school, when, when he and I started dating and we actually, you know, the divorce was hard enough. I mean, there are some, you know, the day that their dad and I sat them down to tell them we were getting the divorce is seared into my memory and is one of the first days of my life and in

Speaker 1: 32:47

that moment, I think, is in part what drove me to recognize that, moving forward from that moment, like everything had to, we couldn't make any decisions, right, that didn't put them first. Right, and their dad and I have done a really, really great job of that and it's been hard in its own way for both of us. But but when Joe and I started dating we actually, you know, he had, he has four kids and again, you know, now they're kind of all ours and I keep repeating that because it always strikes me a little bit. I always have a little pang of like, oh, this sucks when somebody talks, and somebody in the blended family talks about his and her kids, right, or her like that always just makes me kind of like.

Speaker 2: 33:28

You're explaining the story, so give yourself a break Like it's okay.

Speaker 1: 33:32

You know it's, that's the way it is, anyway. So so when we started dating, we actually dated for a really long time before we introduced each other to our kids, because we, you know, he with his four, you know, the youngest, kami, was super, super young. The older two were graduating from high school, had graduated, they were, you know, older, and so and then my two were the ages they were, and and we just said, you know, we're not, we're not doing anything until we know this is permanent. And so for both of us, you know and we talked earlier in earlier episodes about marriage but for both of us, we kind of had, you know, we had said, like if we knew from the get go, like immediately, we knew this was it right, like this was long term, this was forever, and and if we hadn't had young children, we probably would never have gotten married. But we knew that eventually, right, like he was in the Navy, he was going to be given different orders, he was going to have to go, and that that was going to be the defining moment for us, like are we doing it or aren't we Right? And we, and we said we were. So we actually dated for quite a while, and even before we introduced them, like, we dated for a while before we talked about it out loud to our kids and then we dated for a while while talking about it to our kids and then eventually we started to introduce. So it was a really like we probably dated a year before we introduced each other to our kids because we were not, we weren't, we were so cautious about making sure neither one of us wanted to introduce our kids, our kids, to people that we didn't think were forever right, because we just and I I've seen it, I've seen it happen and it it can be really hard for kids to have different adults coming out of their lives.

Speaker 1: 35:07

And I remember when we decided to get married and, like I said, in part that's because he was going to be moved and we knew right, we knew we were going to be asking for my two to come with and that there was no way I could do that without being married, like we needed to be married for that. And, and so you know, we moved to the PAC Northwest for his first duty station. My two were able to come be physically with us. Our youngest two, on his side, you know, were with his, their, their mom, in California, and then of course, the older two were, you know, doing their thing.

Speaker 1: 35:42

But from the moment we got married, like it was, it was all about how we blend it right. Early on, when we started to introduce the kids, it was about how we, like we did, you know, little easy like, oh, a day here at Kingston Minion, oh, now we're going to do an overnight in Virginia Beach where he was, you know, stationed. Oh, now, we're going to do a little bit at a time. And we created lots of opportunities for me to be with him and his youngest two, and then him to be with me and my two separately. So they had lots of different ways to kind of begin to form and it wasn't by any stretch, it wasn't perfect, right, and our I know my girls really struggled with it. It's hard for kids of divorce to see their parents get married again. It just is right Because they always have that little dream that maybe their parents will reunite.

Speaker 1: 36:28

That's always there, right and so. But the blending of the family really came down to at its core, 100%, every decision being about what's going to be best for them, what's going to make it easier for them, what's going to be the thing that helps them deal with it. But you guys, I got like seriously, seriously, like I was so OCD about it that when we had our first home together, first off, we've always made sure that the youngest four, regardless of who was living with us full time or not, had a bedroom right, Even if all they did was spend one week in the summer and every holiday with us, they need their own space.

Speaker 1: 37:05

They had their own space, they had their own stuff, they had their own whatever. That was the first thing. The second thing was making sure that, like and if you looked around, if you look around our home, any home we've had since we got married I always made sure there was equal representation of the kids there, whether it was their stuff, pictures, like, if you looked around, you saw exactly the same number of pictures of each kid and we saw the other kids. Like it was so important to us to make sure that the kids who weren't living with us in the moment when they came to be with us didn't feel like the the foreign home Right.

Speaker 1: 37:39

Exactly. They didn't feel like the castoffs who just showed up once in a while. And the other thing we did was really, frankly, invest a lot of our income early on for for travel to children, right. The very first year we were married we were in California, and so we actually had our youngest two from Joe's side with us half the time because their mom was there.

Speaker 1: 38:00

But my two said, yeah, so I would be back in Virginia two weeks a month and then in California two weeks a month for a year and make it work for our kids, right, and for us to then begin to, you know, to continue to deepen our own relationship. And then when we moved up to Washington, it was my two, if you will, and his youngest two were in California, so they were the ones who came to visit. So so those are just some really simple and it seems probably like superficial examples, but I, I got to tell you they made all the difference because they were the things that put the we behind it right, so that it was never his and hers, it was always ours. And those were some of the things that made it ours right, so that it felt equally valued, if you will.

Speaker 2: 38:46

Right and I and I love that it's. You know it's still going and and these are so in love and all those things and and I adore Joe he's so sweet, but let's call the spade a spade. You actually had an active partner with this on the same page and all of those things to make that happen and to make it come to fruition. Now you know where Cami is almost. She's 16 right now yeah.

Speaker 1: 39:13

Yes.

Speaker 2: 39:14

She's almost. She's almost on the edge of that nest, you know, and going to college and doing those things, but it took both of you to work towards that.

Speaker 1: 39:24

Oh 100%.

Speaker 2: 39:26

My situations are very opposite of that. So you know, my first experience with a you know, quote unquote blended family if we're talking about where we have both sides coming with kids, or even just one with kids and one without, you're still blending a family. There's a lot of dynamic you need to learn and be open to, and patience is the virtue you know is in all of those things. But you know, in my situations, my first situation, we had seven kids, he had four, I had three and um, wow, was that an experience? And come to find out, you know, I was very and I think I've talked about this before like I was very man. I got sold on this guy. I got sold like a cheap suit, like I was like it was, it was, it was a cheap suit. I could just say that now it was a damn cheap suit. But I learned a lot from that relationship and I learned a lot about seeing red flags and from a mile away instead of two feet in front of me, and a lot of behavioral things. And, um, I ended up being a the like live in babysitter. You know it was like, oh, you're here now, bye, you know.

Speaker 2: 40:44

And it was smoking mountains. We'd in the backyard not paying attention to what's going on, kids having food, fights in the house and like total chaos and and disrespectful and all of those things, and I got zero support from him. So I was a disciplinarian, I was the new lady the disciplinarian, and they did not give a shit. You know, and here are my kids like I have well-behaved kids and stuff like that and um, it was chaos. It was chaos and then, and then rightfully so because he wasn't maintaining his side of the bargain. You know, it was all it was. The responsibility was put on me and I was working 60 to 70 hour weeks and everything else, and so it was crazy. But there was a whole another layer, a couple layers, of of why that relationship didn't work. But that was a big one, you know, it was like it was. I was an instant babysitter, you know, and um, it was crazy.

Speaker 1: 41:36

You know it was a little bit, I think you you identified the really key thing there and that is that going into it and looking back, you weren't surprised because going into it right, we had no discussions of how we were going to run the house or anything like that.

Speaker 2: 41:49

It was just there was no there was no support, anything that I laid down. It was like, oh, you don't need to do that, but then anything he would say, like he would just start screaming and and or just go in the backyard and get higher drunken and not worry about anything. And I would literally be sitting at the dining room table on World of Warcraft with headphones on and they're literally having a food fight around him and he's just ignoring it and I'm just like this is insane. Like I blended into a three ring circus like this.

Speaker 1: 42:22

Yeah, exactly, I joined a circus and I you're bringing up another. Really, I think, good point for us to think about. And that is like the parent like it, and again, clearly in the conditions that you're going to have a discussion with had about co-parenting, but we had a lot of conversations and because we dated for a while before we introduced ourselves to each, you know each other's kids and then after that another long period of time before we got married, we had plenty of time to both practice and think about co-parenting, because early on you know I have a very.

Speaker 1: 42:54

You know I don't yell. I don't yell, right? I grew up in a household where everybody was in a household where people were hit.

Speaker 1: 43:02

I grew up, you know, in a craziness and so I knew, you know, my own belief system is that kids can learn about life without yelling and they can learn about life without hitting, and our children are evidence of that, right.

Speaker 1: 43:17

So it's like you know, I was just in a conversation, a bit of a bird walk, but I was just in a conversation a few weeks ago and the group I happened to walk up to, who were chatting, were talking about a young parent. He was like I just had to spank my kid for the first time, and I can tell he had a lot of angst about it, like it's not like he was bragging about it, right, he had a lot of angst, and so it was an interesting conversation because we're, you know, chatting, and then it kind of came to me and I said, well, I've never hit my kids, I've never hit my kids and my kids are fine, right. So every and I always say like, okay, to each his own, like whatever. I'm not here to try and preach or get somebody else to think about doing something differently. I just can say by my own experience that kids can learn about life without being yelled and screamed at and without being hit.

Speaker 1: 44:01

So with that in mind, you know Joe has come from backgrounds where they're yelling right and so and not like yelling at kids and screaming at them and being horrible and humiliating to them, but raising the voice and, you know, using that almost discipline or authority?

Speaker 2: 44:18

Yeah, the authority is authoritative.

Speaker 1: 44:20

One of the things that I love about him is he has been so wonderful about like coming to understand other ways of going out, Because I, you know, first time I heard him raise his voice it was literally at the computer, right, he was like trying to fix the computer and it was, and he was like he had this burst of just like, oh, like everybody knows those moments.

Speaker 2: 44:39

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 44:41

And I was literally sitting across the room doing something totally different and I remember looking over and I was like, if you ever do that in front of my children, we will never be able to get married because they will be terrified of you and they will never be able to live in the same home with you.

Speaker 1: 44:53

But we were able to have a conversation where, you know, and he ultimately kind of got to like you know, when I was growing up, my mom yelled right and he said and so, yes, I know, and his, you know, sisters and siblings have all kind of talked about that, but so I know that's where it comes from. But my point in all that is to say you know, co-parent like discussing before you get, you know, before you even spend a lot of time with each other's kids about co-parenting is so important because you have to really understand each other's boundaries, right, Like what you're not okay with, what the other person is not okay with, and then kind of come to some agreement about how we're going to parent together, because it couldn't be like okay, you discipline your kids and I'll discipline mine, otherwise, that's a his and hers, it's not an ours, right, right, right. And that was not easy, like you know that's not easy and it's not even.

Speaker 2: 45:40

It's not scalable and it's. And then there's there's divide, you know, now you're parenting in silos and it's not good for the this is not good for the gander and all of those things you know and so, but that's so important. So, with with my, with my second situation, you know I had four, he had three, so now I'm just opposite numbers, you know. So again, one Brady plus one, you know, and this relationship lasted a lot longer. However, his kids were older and when we met, Genevieve was about 15 months old and he knew this, but he was, quote unquote, done raising kids. So all of a sudden, it was I've raised my kids. My youngest is 10, he's almost out of here. You know, whatever that's your deal, however, I'm still going to tell you what you should be doing and how you should be doing it, and I'm still going to, you know, screaming your child's face, and I was like no, that's the moment that he screamed and chased his face about a water bottle being on the kitchen island. I was like this this is me. Stop. And I need to start planning this out right now, because my daughter is now in the line of of this person that obviously doesn't know what to do Obviously doesn't have any love for my children.

Speaker 2: 47:02

You know, if you treat my children like that, and then I mean there was a lot of favoritism. You know, we also agreed everybody had to have a bedroom and all those things. That only applied to his kids, my kids. It was like the two girls are sharing a room and then maybe the other one will get a room, but we can't afford it. So, but my kids all have rooms, you know. And so, again, like you know, my daughters, they, they didn't. It just wasn't fair. You know, it wasn't fair when it came down to the kids and in their view, it wasn't fair.

Speaker 2: 47:36

And I, and, and you know, we, we started going to the same church and the kids started going to that school, and all of those things. I did everything that I could have done to blend and to try to set boundaries, and all of those things. I just had an unwilling participant again, yeah, and this unwilling participant wanted me, but not what comes with me, which is my kids, and I'm like you know this, this is not scalable, it's never going to work, you know. And then, and, and, and I started becoming, I started training to be a coach and I started working on myself and all of these things and he was very much so fixed mindset to where I'm good. I'm, I'm an asshole, I've always been an asshole and I always will be an asshole, yeah, so here I am. I'm an asshole Great, that's fine. But I'm not okay with you being an asshole and I'm not okay being married to an asshole and I'm not okay with an asshole talking to my kids. So that's where I'm going to say or what, and get the fuck out of here, because this is not conducive to my new perception on life and my new perception on myself and my new perception on my kids and how it's affecting them and everything else.

Speaker 2: 48:44

And from that moment I was like I need to move forward.

Speaker 2: 48:47

So you know, when I went into the relationship with my ex-wife like they didn't meet we, you know, we we were, we were talking on the phone for several months and stuff like that and all those things and but it was like one of those instant things.

Speaker 2: 49:00

But I was also excited I just came out of the closet, I was going into a new relationship with the woman that all of these things and I need, I think I needed to go through that to get to this point, to where it's like, okay, none of that is worth it.

Speaker 2: 49:12

I have all the time in the world I don't need somebody by my side, because every time I've had somebody by my side, with the exception of now because Chris is amazing they've drugged me down, you know, and it's always been an agenda and everything that I need to change about myself or whatever, and I'm done doing that. I'm done. I want somebody to love me for who I am and then I can grow into an even better person that they love even more. You know, tell me all the things I need to change and and what my kids need to change and stuff like that, and then and then everything will be fine. I'm done changing for everybody else. I'm ready for somebody just to love me the way I am, you know, and for all my flaws and everything else.

Speaker 1: 49:49

Well, and what's powerful, too, is you know again, current relationship aside, regardless, right, you know, you know. You know, chase is now in college. Jenny is finishing up middle school this year. Like you're in this unique place where, in four short years, five years right.

Speaker 2: 50:07

I'm done baby.

Speaker 1: 50:08

Children will be adults and so, yeah, I mean there's. You can ask yourself, like can I wait that long to end up in a in the next relationship where somebody moves in, somebody does all, because then my kids are done right, like there's a.

Speaker 2: 50:22

That's exactly where I'm at and that's why, at the you know, season one, I'm like five years yeah, we'll be 13 this summer five years and I'm still on that, on that road. You know, I really want that freedom, I really want the ability to just live, you know. And the fact that I've met somebody that's wonderful, you know still doesn't change the fact that maybe I do need to date more people, maybe I do need to get out there, maybe I do need to do those things, but right now, where I'm at, he's a great, you know, like we're good, we're cool, you know. And I don't know what the future is going to be.

Speaker 1: 50:59

There's no question that it's a. You're in a good space, right yeah?

Speaker 2: 51:03

And that's and that's all that matters right now, and nothing serious Great.

Speaker 1: 51:07

Exactly so. You know that's we've covered a lot. We've covered a lot of ground, you guys, in the last hour or so. But you know, as always, our intention is to bring our own experiences to bear, because we know that so many, if not every single person listening right now can relate to them in some way and help. You know, open up our own dumpsters, show them for what they are, right, and then hope that that adds something to you as a result of having spent the time with us.

Speaker 1: 51:35

And the one last thing I'm going to say about the whole blended family thing and there's so, you know, so many more conversations to have about parenting and relationships and all the things is that none of it is. You know, as much as I kind of distilled in this conversation down to some really simple things. None of it is simple and none of it is easy. But at the core is making the decision that that you know there's a balance to be struck because on one hand, you're fostering this new romantic relationship, obviously with someone, but likewise, on the other, is that when you bring kids into it, they have to be first in terms of making sure that you make decisions that are going to ensure that they're okay, right, yeah, so. So again, like I said, none of it's easy and none of it's simple, but but it's all worth it.

Speaker 1: 52:18

And when you, when you take it step by step and you slow it down, right, and I, that would be my last word of advice, right, my last word of advice to wrap up the episode Go down and then you can offer your last words. My last word of advice is that when in doubt, slow it the fuck down. I don't care what it is, whether it's the relationship with the new person, whether whatever it is. When in doubt, slow the fuck down. And if slowing it down, you feel like it's going to cause something negative to happen, you should probably be reevaluating it. Period, right, anything that needs to be rushed.

Speaker 1: 52:51

In my opinion and my experience, I'm good Be suspicious, right it should be 100%, 100%.

Speaker 2: 52:58

And what I would and what I would add to that, you guys, is you know, um, I'm not sure there's so much I want to add to it, but I'll say this slow it down, I'm going to piggyback on that. But also, make sure they love you for who you are. Amen, because. And make sure that they're. They're going to uphold that. And that doesn't mean like, oh, in a month we're getting married because he loves me just the way I am or she loves me just the way I am. No, no, no, no, no. You have to give it at least a year. See how they're in travel with them, see how they work outside of their normal aspects.

Speaker 2: 53:32

I learned a lot from my ex-wife when I traveled with her for the first time. Holy shit, balls, I'm like I will never fly with you again, like OCD, all those things you know and and and she can help it, whatever. But it's just like that was such a stressful thing for me traveling and the car was stressful for me. Really, a lot of things were stressful, but I didn't know those things about her before. We just which is doven head first, and now I see it affecting my kids and I see this and I see that. So, yes, take the time spending with that person, get to know them before you introduce them with your kids.

Speaker 2: 54:05

But then, once you do, pay attention to your child's emotional responses, to their behavior, because I noticed that and that's because that's their true reaction, that's their true fear, feelings, whatever, and kids will not tell you the truth because they don't want to tell you what you don't want to hear. You know, and they will, they'll protect you, they'll, they'll just be yes, men, they'll just yeah, it's fine. It's fine until it's not. And then, by the time it's not, it could be too late. You know it could be too late and you could have had already ruined that relationship.

Speaker 2: 54:40

I've been very fortunate and been talking to my kids for years now and getting this stuff out and understanding how they felt during those processes and everything else, and I've learned so much from them on how to manage future relationships, because it sprouts with me it starts at the top, you know. And so just the you know word to the to, to everybody out there take your time, get to really know the person, like really really know them, look into them, do all those things. But then also just please pay attention to your emotional responses from your children, because that would be your thermometer on how they're feeling and then give you the opportunity to have a good talk with them and understand where they're coming from. And you may have to make adjustments in your relationship because of what your kids need and what they want.

Speaker 1: 55:27

Amen, I love it. Beautiful, beautiful. Okay, you heard it here first. Yeah, and as always, in the notes of this episode is our email address. If you have a response to the conversation we had today and you'd like to add it into the conversation, we will take your email, we will bring it up in a future episode and our email address is buried right there in the notes of this podcast. So make sure you like, subscribe, share, do all the things.

Speaker 2: 55:56

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 55:57

And yeah, thank you guys for being with us. Man, we always appreciate the gift of time that you give us.

Speaker 2: 56:01

Yes, and happy spooky season. He's out everybody.

Speaker 1: 56:07

I'm starting in my cup of sputch and he like it's a little bit of a cup in front of