Episode 27: From Thanksgiving Tensions to Christmas Clashes: A Guide to Holiday Family Dynamics

You can't choose your family....or can you?? As we gear up for the holiday season, we are flipping the script on the mindset that we have to tolerate ugliness and/or drama in the name of family. 

We've all been there - the holiday gatherings that seem more like battlegrounds than joyous reunions. From Thanksgiving dramas to Christmas conflicts, we've packed this episode with real-life stories, practical advice, and strategies to help you navigate and survive the holiday family dynamics. 

Ever encountered that 'dog and pony show' of family interrogation and snide remarks at a family holiday gathering? Or maybe you're a parent, anxious about how to ensure your child's comfort and safety amidst the revelry and potential dysfunction. Take a deep breath - we've got you covered! This episode is full of insights and suggestions to help you manage these tricky situations. We discuss everything from conflict management, the power of choice, to equipping your kids with a concrete plan to handle uncomfortable situations.

Lastly, we don't just want you to survive the holidays; we want you to ENJOY them! We wrap this episode with a focus on mindfulness, personal care, and conflict resolution strategies. We shed light on the importance of taking care of oneself, taking a break, and even employing humor to maintain relationships. We're planning a holiday season filled with more joy and less drama. So join us, and let's make this holiday season the best one yet!

Have a story to share - email us at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com 

Be sure to like, share and subscribe...oh, and go find us on YOUTUBE if you want to watch instead of listen!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:19

You are listening to dumpster diving with Janice and Jane and we are here to just throw everybody's stuff to the left today, I guess.

Speaker 2: 0:34

I'm cognizant really quickly because our people don't know this yet, but this is like the first time we're recording where we're actually we've committed to a YouTube channel and so we actually are like like, like people are going to see whatever it is we do here. So the picking of the nose that you do on our usual episodes, I'm going to ask you not to do that anymore because I feel like that's not good video. Is there anything you want me to not do anymore?

Speaker 1: 0:58

Yeah, actually there is, there's, yeah. I mean the list is long, but I think that making faces at me while we're recording is probably not going to be favored by some of the audience, you know what YouTube might ruin our lives.

Speaker 2: 1:12

But that's our fun way of telling you guys. We just kicked off our YouTube channel. Actually, we actually we didn't. I went in to do it and discovered I did it a long time ago. So for our six subscribers on YouTube, god bless you Right, we love you. We love you.

Speaker 1: 1:28

We do and thank you for steadfast being our being our downloaded six consistent all the time, nothing there a year later. So we're going to wait a minute, wait a minute. We have been there consistently for them.

Speaker 2: 1:47

That's true, they just leave us on the right platforms. It's not our fault.

Speaker 1: 1:52

It is our fault. It's well. It is our fault because we haven't been on the right platforms. But guess what I want?

Speaker 2: 1:58

to blame them for not being on the right platforms. It's not our fault. They didn't come to Spotify or Apple podcast or Instagram for our links, you know what?

Speaker 1: 2:09

But to be fair, we just added YouTube and this morning, fine, fine, okay, all right.

Speaker 2: 2:16

All right, we'll accept half the blame.

Speaker 1: 2:18

Half of the blame. Half of the blame.

Speaker 2: 2:19

But for those of you who've been dying to know what we look like, you can now come to our YouTube channel and subscribe. And fair warning, Fair warning. So today is November 4th when we're recording this. It'll drop in a couple of weeks, First time we have decided to actually be on video, but we're going to upload all of our episodes from last January and people, it's not pretty. Okay, I want to be really clear. It's not pretty and so you know. But we welcome all your snide comments Like bring them on it's not pretty, meaning we're not always dolled up for our.

Speaker 2: 2:56

We're not camera ready at all times.

Speaker 1: 2:58

Jane has like triple bags underneath her eyes and is stoned while we're talking. So you're going to enjoy that, and we should probably just make that a t-shirt at this point, you know, because people are going to love that. Look so much they're going to be like I need to wear it.

Speaker 2: 3:14

So I'm hearing, I'm seeing a t-shirt that says something like don't worry, I was stoned, you know like.

Speaker 1: 3:22

Yes, yes, well, I came up with a new. So, okay, I'm going to be a little un-PC, which is not a normal.

Speaker 2: 3:30

You'll be a stretch, but go ahead.

Speaker 1: 3:32

Right, but this could be a sensitive word for some people. It is a word that we used as children and we have been trained not to use it anymore. However, I'm bringing it back halfway.

Speaker 2: 3:46

Yikes Go ahead.

Speaker 1: 3:49

Now disclaimer. This word was made up with one of my very good friends that I've known for 13 plus years and he and I like to get stony stupid on Facebook and talk and share stories and we should really be turning that into a podcast and or asking him to come on to our podcast at one point, because he's funny, my friend Kyle. But I came up with the tagline of weed tarted, we tarted. Okay, I have been there. I have been there, you guys, and it's not PC and I need to think of another word. But that came out of my mouth the other night and I was shocked and appalled at myself but then laughed hysterically because I was weed tarted.

Speaker 2: 4:33

Yes, you were in fact yes. Okay so we won't use it anymore, but that is a great example of the Like. That's an example of growth, right, like a word that we used to think was okay, and then we're like hold on a second Now that's a good one.

Speaker 1: 4:48

Yeah, but, yeah, but and I don't condone it, using it in any way that we used to use it, but to make fun of myself, absolutely there you go, there you go, so I will not use it towards anyone, but I will proclaim that when I am Okay.

Speaker 2: 5:04

That's fair. That's fair. So that's your fair warning. Like we want to see everybody go over and subscribe on YouTube, like I said, if you prefer to watch this versus just listen to it on Spotify or Apple Podcast or what have you. So we're super excited to have you guys join us over there Now with that in mind, today's episode.

Speaker 2: 5:23

So we're like about two weeks out, a little over two weeks out, from the really true kickoff of the holiday season, which is Thanksgiving. Yes, we just had Halloween and yes, that's a holiday, but when we think about holiday season, we're usually thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas, and so we're going to spend some time today really kind of reflecting on our own experiences and then also, from a coaching perspective, providing some ideas that you all can consider. Because here's the thing if you look at all the stores, jane, and if you look at Instagram and all the socials, oh my God, it's the holiday season. Pumpkin Spice has out, the Christmas decorations are out, I can't wait to DIY all my stuff and everybody is like super excited about the holidays coming up.

Speaker 1: 6:07

But when you were up in a household like we did well, separate households, but similar yeah, the holidays weren't always fun and I mean we've shared some stories through the past year. Can you believe that we've almost been doing this for a full year?

Speaker 2: 6:27

I know it's coming up because we have to have a party. We'll think about it. We should have a party.

Speaker 1: 6:31

Like red carpet. Yes, just the six fans.

Speaker 2: 6:36

I'm imagining the Grammy. I'm imagining you know what. I was at World Market recently and they had for any of you, but for anybody who's watching the office they had these little dundies like fake statues. I'm imagining some dundies. Yes, dundies, we will just repeatedly present awards to each other for as long as people will want to do it.

Speaker 1: 7:00

We could have weekly dundies If we had a moment where we could even award ourselves a dundie that's me for the weed tart. There you go, Thank you. But what we?

Speaker 2: 7:12

know, is this all of the festive, all of the stuff which, by the way, I am 120% into. Everybody who knows me knows that I am a big holiday fan. But it comes a little bit from what you just started to say, Jane, which is this idea that because we came from what we did right Like now, I embrace it and I make it what I always wished it would have been. So we know, under the facade of all the fun stuff is a lot of people like us who are already starting to experience some severe anxiety over everything that is included in the holidays and what it means for them and what they have to do, etc.

Speaker 1: 7:46

Yeah, yeah, and I mean it was funny, because the day after November 1st I had to go to or no, the day of Halloween, I had to go try to find some like little Halloween snacks for a last minute thing at work for the kids, and they had zero Halloween stuff, all Christmas stuff. Are you f-ing kidding me right now? Like they had like one little end cap with a little bit of shit in there. Like they put it out so early that they're able to sell out of it by the time the holiday actually hits, which is genius, because I remember working retail and they we would wait until, like you know, september to start putting out Halloween stuff and then we would have so much leftover, we would have so much, and now they've gotten so much smarter Retailers are they're doing it, man?

Speaker 2: 8:36

And they've been doing the crossover right Like we. Every time I go into Costco since probably beginning of September, there's the fricking 12 foot skeleton ghost all the time the 12 foot Christmas tree right, Like they're all the same. Yeah, it's oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 8:50

I have to say this. I saw a video on Instagram the other day where a woman was in one of the motorized scooters at a Costco and she had a cross out and was like I proclaimed for Jesus that Satan will be like. She was like freaking, like blessing this big, giant, inflatable skeleton thing that was kind of hanging over she's underneath it with the cross. I proclaim through Jesus. I was like wow, somebody, wow, it was great it was pretty fun.

Speaker 2: 9:20

That's awesome.

Speaker 1: 9:21

Yeah, now they do. They, it's like you. It gets smacked in the face like yeah. And then the next day I had to go pick up some some things from Home Depot for work and I was like, oh yeah, maybe they'll have the clearance. And I look over to where they would have the Halloween clearance and it was 1,000,000% Christmas and I was like, whoa, okay, right here we are. Merry Christmas everyone.

Speaker 2: 9:42

Everybody. But before Christmas, the very first holiday that everybody's gonna come up on, where there's this Standard picture of a traditional Thanksgiving, is oh, the family comes together, oh, we're all under one roof, and oh, we, you know break bread and all the things, and we know, of course, nowadays that's a whole we. We've looked at it very differently, right, friends, giving it has been a thing for a long time, this idea you know that that you're how you celebrate that holiday, or any holiday can be, whatever you want it to be. That said, there's still so much I mean, jane, I don't know about you, but like the people I know and love in my life like so much angst around Around the pressure to do the things with family, right, like there's still a lot of pressure about being with family.

Speaker 2: 10:28

In fact, I just watched a Like a meme video the other day on whatever platform I can't remember, and it was this guy. Like it was, the guy was dressed up as a no, as his mother, and and he's like pretending the phone call of calling her to say I'm not Spending Thanksgiving with the family this year, I am spending it with friends. And so the mom, the mom character, is like oh, you're not? Oh, you're not. Let me just get my, can you? So what are you gonna? Oh, you're gonna spend it with friends. Okay, so you're stomping on my heart, okay, like the mom, yeah.

Speaker 2: 10:58

Oh, my god, yes you're right, so so let's get into it, right and, and I'm sorry, about that. All right well, and we're excited to share because we're actually gonna spend Thanksgiving together this year for the first time.

Speaker 1: 11:13

Let's talk about that, you guys, because it's gonna be drama-free. Is it gonna be drama-free? Well, yeah, it is now. It is now, you know there's a little bit and we'll get into that, but I am excited because this is so for many years, devon and I Devon is our well, my half-brother James, full brother, catch you ever brother yeah.

Speaker 1: 11:37

Devon and I would take our families, our kids and spouses and whatever over to Jason, our older brother You're younger brother, but has now passed Back in 2022. Everything's giving. We would go out to his home and he had a nice big home with his wife and mother-in-law and father-in-law and we had room for everybody and everything else and we would go out there and just have a fun fucking time and we would do stuff with the kids and it was no drama, I mean, besides kid drama, like kids being kids, you know younger and stuff like that. That was always you know a thing, but but us adults actually enjoying the time together.

Speaker 1: 12:12

And this is the first time since Jason passed that Devon and I are doing Thanksgiving together and with you. So I'm very excited about that and you know, because for the last couple years since Jason passed away, the girls and I have just been going to Six Flags on Thanksgiving and it's a lot of freaking fun because there's nobody there and so we get on the rides very quick and everything else. But this is a great opportunity to, you know, build our connection and and with the girls stuff, because I gotta tell you guys, my girls love their Ant-Giannis because, one, she's not crazy. And two, she's a lot of fun. And three, she's got a whole setup and everything and is always treating us like like royalty, you know, when we come over.

Speaker 2: 12:54

So they're super excited about seeing their aunt, that was basically me like pulling you into my web. Thanksgiving's gonna be a shit show, right. Thanksgiving on be like what.

Speaker 1: 13:03

That's on you. I'm not. No, I'm not enjoying, I'm not going to participate in your drama. So you can have all the drama you want, but I'm gonna sit by, sit outside, away from the cats, away from the cats, so I don't die, and smoke my weed and enjoy the weekend. Okay, so that's.

Speaker 2: 13:19

And we'll talk offline as much as I'm sure everybody would love to hear this but we have to talk about, like, what are the girls favorite foods and what are the things. And yes, because I am I am not a Perfectionist, because I am the first person to say to people all the wellness stuff I do we talk about progress, not perfection, etc. That said, I love to go all out for holiday and I love to like know who's gonna be with us and what's that one favorite thing that would make this really special, and we do like a potluck, like everybody will contribute. It's not like I'm like in the, I am not a master of the kitchen, right, but so I love it. I'm so excited to, we're so excited to have you guys and just chill and make some new holiday memories, so we know that's all gonna be fine and good. Well, we'll follow up after.

Speaker 1: 14:02

Let everybody know how it will have secret recordings all over the house to record all the drama and Faces at the end of it. That would be hilarious, like what so great.

Speaker 2: 14:16

We might have to do some like little bits just to for next year's episodes, right, like some little holiday bits where we like Get back to it, get back to it. So let's talk about, like You're the pre drama you just mentioned, because I think that's probably gonna be a good lead-in to like. Let's talk about, like, what are some of the experiences we've had? And, again, really importantly, you guys like okay, how do you, how do you tackle it? Right, there are a lot of ways you can tackle it so that you don't feel like you're just Along for the ride and miserable. Right, so it started.

Speaker 1: 14:46

Yeah, so, um, so, as, as everyone, our six listeners know, you know, I mean, they've downloaded the episode, whether they listen to or not, I don't know. A spoiler alert I've been Dating someone. His name is Chris and he, like you and I, janice, have has a spectacular mother and Super sweet, all those things, right, you know, no, she's, she's a nightmare, just like ours, and his family lives in his brothers and sister, or his sisters and brother live in Colorado, so he's kind of separated from everybody and we are enjoying spending time together and stuff like that. So I was like, why don't you come down for Thanksgiving, like it'll be fine, it'll be great, it'll be fun? And he was like, yeah, let's do it. So, you know, we started planning it and everything. And I mentioned it to the girls and Chase or Jenny, could you know, care less, or whatever. But he's was like what do you mean? And I was like Is that okay? And she's like, well, it's just soon. And blah, blah, blah, and.

Speaker 1: 15:51

And she was triggered by this, you know. And so I'm like, okay, well, explain to me what's going on, and and. And she just Didn't want to, I guess, or didn't maybe didn't have the words for it or whatever so. So I waited and and just kind of let her come to me. But it came. I got to the point where she was making comments and I'm like, okay, we need to talk about this. Yeah, what is the problem, you know? And and I just I called her into my room and she sat on my bed and I was just like, can we talk about Thanksgiving and and what's going on with you? Because I, I need to know. So I know what I need to do to Make everybody happy. You know not that that's my job, but I do have control over the situation and I can make moves if I need to. So please express to me what is going on. Yeah, she's like, well, I just think it's, you know it's, it's with family and blah, blah, blah. And I go, I get that.

Speaker 1: 16:46

I said, but remember this, this part of our family we just met Less than a year ago, because when we had the conversation, it was less than a year ago, and I said, and and she's okay with it? And it's like that. She's just like well, I just think it's just soon, I go, are you not okay with it? And she's like no, because she actually was like, oh, I'm not gonna go, I'm gonna go with my friends and blah, blah, blah. And I was like, well, that's weird, why? And she was like, well, you know, I just I don't, I just want to stay up here. I might have to work. She had a bunch of little excuses, yeah.

Speaker 1: 17:15

So finally, when I sat down with her and I was like I need to know the real reason why you're not going to Thanksgiving, because it's important to me. And so she was just like I just don't want him there, you know, because it's family. And blah, blah, blah. And she goes, it's too soon. And I was like, okay, I'll un-invite him. And she was like what? And I go, yeah, I go. Your happiness and your comfort level is way more important to me than bringing a friend to Thanksgiving. Absolutely, if you're not okay with it, I'm gonna, I'm gonna change it. And she was like, oh, I'm like, did you not expect that? She's like well, no, I just figured that you would just be like whatever I go. When have I ever been like whatever with you guys? When you know, I'm like, you guys know me better than that and all you need to do is talk to me. That's it. We've, I've, I've made that very clear and so I did.

Speaker 1: 18:04

I immediately called up chris and said you know like I was like this needs to happen. He was not happy about it at first. You know like he was like pretty bummed, but he also understood. You know he's like I get it. You know, and I was like I I have to. You know, their their emotional and and mental health is more important to me than Making sure that you feel included or whatever I said. I just I need to make sure that they're feeling good about it and she was very happy with that answer. He, he got, you know he's, he's, he's fine. You know he gets it. You know he was bummed, but he gets it. And um, and now we're all going to Thanksgiving together and it's not going to be an issue and you know it's whatever and we can Not be relaxed and not have attitudes flying around and everything else. So so you're welcome. I diverted all the drama for this Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2: 19:01

So you created it, then diverted it and gave yourself credit for doing so. So Congratulations, that's. That's big of you, it's really big of you. Like it kind of actually makes sense, because they're still getting to know him, but they're also still getting to know us and even though I feel like I've spent time with them, when you really look at the big scheme of things, it hasn't been that much time and they haven't really spent time with the rec, because we'll have other people here right, like sit and her boyfriend and blah.

Speaker 1: 19:30

Like he's, probably like it's yeah.

Speaker 2: 19:32

So so I can see how, like that's a lot already to take in, and then having this other factor, it's like I can see like Wanting to develop those relationships a little bit, first to understand what they're going to be without another influence, and then, when you add the other influence, eventually it's that so, so it makes sense and I'm I'm proud of you for listening to her. It doesn't surprise me that you did like you said, right, but, but you know, but that's a great like teenager example, right, because she's a young woman now in terms of like turning 18 and technically being adult, but the truth is she still has a teenager brain and she will until she's in her early 20s. And, yeah, and our teenagers heads. It's such a great example, jane, of like we can say a million times, right, like, of course, I would put you first, of course, but they are they. It's amazing how their brains twist things right and and kind of convince them. They convince themselves of yeah.

Speaker 1: 20:27

But in her defense I haven't always been this way good point.

Speaker 1: 20:31

That's good. I haven't always been this way and, and so it hasn't been until the last you know, um, I don't know eight years or so that I've really, like, made intentional moves like that to prove to them that they're more important to me than anything. You know, and, and it's true, and so in my, my relationships are, and, and love, life and everything else is, you know, not the focal point right now. You know it's them, and, and moving forward and healing. And you know, because, let's face it, I'm going through a divorce, let's face it, it's been almost a year since that started, you know, and so it's a lot.

Speaker 1: 21:13

You know, and, and and I'm dealing with my own Bull crap, you know, as we all do the best way that we will how and grow from it, but I don't want to, you know, I don't want them to feel any certain type of way because, yeah, my goodness, very distracting.

Speaker 2: 21:33

Could you just?

Speaker 1: 21:34

like no, we're on.

Speaker 2: 21:36

YouTube Jane we're on YouTube.

Speaker 1: 21:38

I'm sorry, you know I can't help that. I'm so popular and people like to face our perfect or our whole perfect packets was just ruined.

Speaker 2: 21:46

I just want you.

Speaker 1: 21:49

Well, guess what? So it's, but it's, it's. It's that diverted, you know, and and and, like we said at the beginning, we didn't get asked about stuff like that, and I even told that story to some of my students last week and they were just like my mom would have never done that for me. You know, they're like you're such a good mom. I'm not saying this to to get accolades. I'm saying that it's, it's possible for people to grow, it's possible for people to have perspective changes and it is very possible for people to grow in ways that you never thought that they would grow, you know, so we've always, we always think we're doing the best that we can and we are, but there's always better in different ways, you know, and stuff like that. So it's just, it was just a good thing for me to reflect on and really think about and and not put my feelings first, you know, and make sure that everybody's going to be comfortable and have fun and stuff like that. So, and that was the ultimate goal, because holidays sucked as a kid, you know, and it, like I said, jason Devon and I did Thanksgiving's together without anybody else, and you're saying, like, how you get those subliminal messages and stuff like that One year I think it was the first year we met without anybody else yeah, and a younger sister who, who you know is, is a step sister, she's half sister and all the dogs are barking.

Speaker 1: 23:11

Can you hear that? The dogs bark? Okay, um. So I remember she started posting on Facebook. She was like she was telling us oh, I can go, but you need to pay for me, and oh, I can go, but you need to. You know, I need to ride with you and I need this and I need that. And I was like, yeah, we're not going to do that. So we just went. And then it was. The Facebook post was like, oh, I guess water is thicker than blood and and blah, blah, blah, like getting the guilt trip over freakin Facebook, over this shit. And I was just like I can't, we were just dying. We were just laughing reading these messages and it was just just major shit talking and all this stuff. And it was just this is exactly why you didn't come.

Speaker 2: 23:53

That's right.

Speaker 1: 23:53

You know like thank you for proving my point. You know, thank you so much and that's, you know.

Speaker 2: 23:58

Honestly, that is my memory. So my mom has and now I'm going to have to count them up she has like six sisters and my grandmother had like two marriages, so she had like four from one and then, actually, yeah, three from the other and then an adopt it, and then she adopted like her niece or something crazy like that. And and so the sisters that live locally where I grew up, like it was a constant drama circle, right. It was like take 13 year old girls and age them 20 years, age them 30, and then they were like I'm going to be in the middle of the year and it just right. So so every week it was really about who hates who, right, like who's the person we're all going to hate this week and then next week we're all going to hate somebody else.

Speaker 2: 24:44

And so holidays were always. We often hosted at our house because we had the space and so we could do it, and my mom, you know, to her credit, did love to cook, so she loved like putting the whole dinner and I remember like she would do, you know, the whole big dinner, all the things, and there would be moments of like calm because they all, you know, as they got older and they had kids or what have you. But then, more than not, anything was the underlying just shit show talk, right, like just you know, literally from one end of the house to the other, right, people talking shit about each other and the drama building and somebody always ended up in a big argument and somebody always stormed out and then came back and and it was like it was like press play and just repeat, because I feel like every holiday, year, every holiday.

Speaker 2: 25:36

And it was just I mean holidays, basically just put a spotlight on the dysfunction that was normal for us, right, like here's your every day, and now we're going to put a spotlight on it at Thanksgiving, and we're going to do it at Christmas, and then we're going to do it easier because God knows, we fucking got together for every Like. You would think at some point they'd be like, how about? How about we not like, let's just try that out? Nope, no, no, no, no, no. Every single holiday, over and over again.

Speaker 1: 25:58

Yeah, everybody must suffer. Let's go.

Speaker 2: 26:00

Exactly, exactly.

Speaker 1: 26:02

It's ridiculous, it's absolutely ridiculous and and and that's the anxiety that people start getting as soon as Halloween passes, at November 1st, it's like, oh shit, in three weeks I'm going to be with all these people, exactly, exactly, it's going to be a nightmare. Now, are all families like that? No, I hear about so many great families that get together and and, despite any little drama, they still have a great time and they play family games. Yep, and I'm in Arizona. Her name is Margo and I just freaking adored her. She was the like the, the picture, perfect.

Speaker 1: 26:37

Now, my answer she's not perfect, but that sweet mom that just loves her kids. She has a blended family. She had two boys and then her husband had four kids yeah, three, three girls and a boy, or two girls and a boy, something like that and she would get together and she would make all the little cute cupcakes and the games and they would have so much fun and there's all the pictures and, yes, they had family drama, but they would drop it for those things and just have fun with each other, and every time it was just like how wasn't she goes, it was great. You know, like, yeah, there was a little bit of this and that, but like we just had a good time and she would, it was just so wonderful, and I think that's the people that can put crap aside and have a really great time. Not everybody's family holidays are horrible, of course. However, there's a lot of them that are.

Speaker 2: 27:29

Right, like, I think about holidays and I think about like.

Speaker 2: 27:32

Okay, first off, it's depending, like, if your mom like us, or a parent like us, they're your own stuff, right, like your own dumpster that you're carrying around with you and, okay, carrying that into it and how you navigate that. And also then your kids, right, so you know this, people will see it. On my Instagram, my Facebook, like, I'll start to put out a lot of stuff about kind of how to navigate family across the holidays, because it's the. It's the really severe stuff that you and I talk about, because our experience was so severe, but it's also just the I'm going to call it less severe. Everybody's trauma is their own trauma, but just the stuff of like, like, even our teenagers, right, like, for them, they're rolling their eyes about having to go to Thanksgiving at grandma's, not because of anything terrible, but just because of, oh, great, here I now I get to answer what grade are you in 27 times and what sports do you do 80 times and what like, if you know it's like their own version of like this sucks.

Speaker 1: 28:26

Yeah, because they're. It's like, it's like the dog and pony show. You know, it's like, okay, let's you know who's doing the best and what are you doing. And, oh, we're so proud of this person. But what are you doing? You know, and it's not even like the fighting, it's the snide remarks and the interrogation, and granite house stinks and I don't like being there. It's uncomfortable. I mean, you want to? Can I tell a horror story?

Speaker 2: 28:51

I'm not even kidding you guys, get ready, here we go.

Speaker 1: 28:55

This was a nightmare. So we lived in Arizona. I think Chase was an infant. She was in the little baby carrier, like that's how little she was. She was born in October, so she's like not even a month old, right. She was born in October 26 and this is Thanksgiving, so close to being a month old. Ethan, my oldest nephew, is three months older than Chase, so he's four months old, right, they're both in the little carrying cases and everything.

Speaker 1: 29:23

And my mother and stepfather insist, insist that Devin and I come with our kids to their house for Thanksgiving because they wanna make sure that they're doing their part and it was like one test with them at the beginning. But then they call us and say, hey, when are you gonna be there? Blah, blah, blah, whatever. And we get there and Devin and I arrive around the same time. Well, what they didn't tell us is that that their house was infested with cockroaches and they had just bombed the house the day before. So when we walked in, there was cockroaches crawling up the walls not even kidding crawling up the walls, curtains. They had shears. You could see them crawling up the curtains. They were on the ceiling. They were dropping into the food onto the fucking table and I had to put a blanket over the baby.

Speaker 1: 30:19

I'm like I don't like cockroaches. And we were like this is crazy. And they were like why are you being so mean to us? And we're like you guys, you have cockroaches going from your ceiling onto the table. I have to put a blanket over my child so that she doesn't get. She's not even a month old and you want me to bring her into a cockroach infested house where they're dropping off the freaking ceiling? Absolutely not.

Speaker 1: 30:43

I turned around. I was like I can't do this. You guys. You're just me. You just, you don't like us as much as the rest. You know what I'm saying. No, this is insane. This is absolutely insane. And Den and I both we stayed for a tiny bit and kind of like put ourselves and then we left and then we were like the unforgivable. Yeah, we were total assholes. And I'm like this is. We walked into a circus. There's no way I'm gonna stand here and let cockroaches follow me. That's the one bug, the one holy bug, you guys, that makes my skin crawl. I can touch spiders, I can do all those things, no problem. Cockroaches fucking a new way, no.

Speaker 2: 31:26

Yeah, I can't, like I just and see that's a whole other right. Like there's 27 episodes embedded in that, because you ask yourself, like how did they end up in that position and how did they're you know what the hell is going on on their day to day. But more importantly, like you said, like the lack of understanding that, even without babies in the room, why would that? You would that you would invite a bunch of people over, Like if I saw, okay, I'm done, yeah, but it's horror story, thank you. Thank you for the horror story. Hey, why don't we use this as a baseline? Everybody, If your Thanksgiving doesn't match that, you did better Good job, we're gonna use that as the baseline. At least don't be in a house. That's the best.

Speaker 1: 32:05

Right. Oh my God, it's so bad.

Speaker 2: 32:09

And all the things so. So let's talk about, like you know, we the good thing is, like we have choices, right? You guys know, jane and I, well enough to know that we made decisions a long time ago to separate ourselves in different ways, to different degrees, from our family, right From our biological families Let me be clear about that, because I have plenty of wonderful family so so from those biological people who really just brought trauma and horror and, you know, danger and all the things into our lives. That was a choice and it wasn't easy. By the way, right, like I remember vividly, you know, my first semester into my first semester of college. Like I went to Thanksgiving and I went to Christmas because at that time I felt powerless and without a choice. Because I think people have heard me say before, like my first semester of college, my stepfather picked me up every weekend and took me home. Wasn't until my second semester, where I was actually supporting myself, no longer getting a dime from my family, that I was able to kind of draw a line in the sand and say no, right, and so from there it was figuring out friends and that kind of stuff to spend the holidays with and you know, then I started dating my first husband, et cetera. But but we do have choices even now, right?

Speaker 2: 33:19

So you know, for those of you who follow me and Jane on all of our different platforms, to include our dumpster diving, you see a coherent theme and message around this idea of like joy is a choice and you can choose it. And sometimes you have to choose joy by choosing, by not choosing some people, right. And so you know, going into the holiday season, that's for me, that's one of the messages that I want to share, right? It's like, if you are already experiencing anxiety about what's coming up, this is a moment for you to step back and really get to the root cause of that anxiety. And you know it might be anxiety just because you're like annoyed and they're annoying and they're whatever, and so from because of that like nothing that's hurting you, nothing that's you would just rather not right.

Speaker 2: 34:02

Then you might decide I'm going to do it just because. But if you're experiencing anxiety, that really is because there's something more deeply rooted there that is impacting your mental health, your physical health, et cetera. Then you know you've known us well enough, hopefully by now, to know we're going to say then maybe you don't. And I love, jane, your example of like. We just decided one year we were going to try something different and we didn't say we're never coming again. We just said, hey, this year we're going to do something different. Maybe this is your year to do something different, right, yeah?

Speaker 1: 34:31

Yeah, and not only that, but I mean I think we can equip, equip our listeners with some tools to to help them maybe change the conversation while they're there.

Speaker 1: 34:43

Absolutely, because here's the fact of the matter is and I've been doing a lot of this speech the last five weeks because I'm doing a six week course teaching some young adults from South LA professional development, leadership skills, and then consultative sales coaching, and they go hand in hand because, in order to be able to sell appropriately, you have to build relationships, you have to communicate well and effectively, you have to listen, you have to do all those things.

Speaker 1: 35:09

And so the other day we were talking about conflict resolution and I had a list of 10 kind of statements or scenarios of how to rid yourself of it, to be able to move forward with the conversation, even if it's just a simple conversation, and or resolve a conflict. You know, and one of them you know one of them was and I think it fits this very well was get off your high horse, right, because at the end of the day, none of us are perfect, right? And so when we're in these situations and we feel like maybe we're right and we're going to stand our ground, and stuff like that. Maybe just us listening a little bit more is going to help us understand, not even maybe us listening more. Let me just make that statement by listening more, you learn more about the situation. And it's in one of my Laura ism, or, sorry, jane isms. Jesus, I'm switching back to my old name, guys.

Speaker 2: 36:08

Are we talking to right now? Yeah, personality.

Speaker 1: 36:11

Well, I mean most of my family, with the exception of you, Janice. Call me Laura, so I that's when it comes up is when I'm talking about family.

Speaker 2: 36:20

I don't want to throw you off, but I do want to just qualify for our listeners that the reason that's the case is because when you and I met, I just said listen, I don't like that name, so we're going to call you Jane, and that's how we move forward, and this was the first experience I had with her as an older sister and, quite honestly, I'm still bothered by it. But whatever, here's your new name, moving on.

Speaker 1: 36:43

I said whatever, so much it's tattooed on the knuckles. I love it, because you have to with trauma and surviving, you have to really say whatever and keep moving, like that just happened. Okay, let's go. Cockroach is from the ceiling.

Speaker 1: 36:57

Whatever, whatever, but, oh my God, but no, but let us help you by giving you some, some skills. You know so, by getting off your high horse and and really opening up your ears and not worrying about where you stand on the situation and understanding, listening to understand where they're coming from, because knowledge is not equal understanding and and that's huge, and you know, do leading with curiosity is the best way that you can enter any situation by being curious and wanting to know more and you know and and seeking to understand and then to be understood. Yeah, so I think that there's a lot of little, just little things out there which you know may resonate with somebody, but one of them was that was a big one getting off the high horse, and there's a couple more. I'm going to look for it while while you respond to that, and then we'll have a couple more to kind of bounce off of.

Speaker 2: 37:56

Well, I love that because it gets into. You know, regardless of what you're going to do for the holidays, whether you're going into that family situation that is really hard for you, or, frankly, whether you're just going along with someone else to someone else's home and there going to be a lot of people there and you just never know what you're going to encounter, just having some strategies in your back pocket about how to deal. So you said, you know, get off your high horse and really listen more, seek to understand before you're understood, and I love all those messages. The second one I would throw out there is listen.

Speaker 2: 38:24

If you're a group, right for a holiday situation and this could apply to, like your work, holiday parties that you're going to have this season, as well as like actually going for Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner or whatever, right, when you're in a group, there's always, there's always, it's always likely that there's going to be that person who just rubs you the wrong way for a whole myriad of reasons. Maybe they creep you out a little bit, right, uncle, so and so is a little bit creepy. Maybe they're a little bit bitchy and so and so I just needed to be gender balanced. There is a little, you know whatever, although I should probably, if I'm really being gender appropriate.

Speaker 2: 39:00

Yes, so it's a bitchy and so, and so it could be creepy. So there you go, I got it all covered. But my point is then then kind of, you know, grow on to your own empowerment and just move right. So the good news is like there's always that option to simply remove yourself, right.

Speaker 2: 39:18

So if Jane is like saying something that's just got me over the edge, not using the holiday moment to engage in that conflict about it, but instead to just remove myself from it, because here's the thing when you see people once a year and they start rattling off their, you know, dumbass perspective and I say that in terms of if you see their perspective that way, then yeah, you can engage them and kind of end up in some kind of a conflict, or you can just remove yourself because you're not, you're not changing somebody's mind, right, and that moment in time, that one time you see them and you know and I've been in those situations where that person doesn't want to let go, right, and so they find you again to try and pick up on that conversation, and at that point then I'm more likely to just kind of use that strategy of saying, listen, thank you for the conversation, but I'm not interested in talking about this with you.

Speaker 2: 40:05

So I'm going to walk away now, right, because I don't want to talk ways to like avoid conflict, and I don't say that. But I mean, I think everybody here knows that you and I don't avoid conflict. But in these situations where, again, like you're not going to change somebody's mind by getting an anointing on drag out on Thanksgiving Day right over dinner, so so how do you find that balance of not going there but also respecting your own beliefs, your own values, your own whatever you know what I mean in a way that doesn't make you feel like you're compromising or agreeing to things that you think are bullshit? So that's another idea is you know, when you're in that situation, to, if you, if you, if you know there's that it's headed for conflict, just remove yourself, yeah.

Speaker 1: 40:49

I and we actually had an instance at your home during a gathering, where I felt very like this it was going to go bad if I stuck around and listen to this for any longer. And it wasn't. It wasn't, I mean, it was totally Janice. She was just bullshitting her way through something and I was like I can't anymore, like I'm just walking away. No, that wasn't it. But there was.

Speaker 1: 41:15

There was some comments made by a, by a friend, and I just you know, it didn't. It didn't settle with me well. So instead of reacting to the situation, I responded to it and said I need to preserve my energy, because I don't know this person from Adam and and maybe they have some, some validity to what they're saying. My personal opinion is it's horseshit. So I'm just going to remove myself from the situation. And all I did was just kind of like, go to the other side of the area and and and focus in on my girls. They were having a good time and I was like you know what? There's great things going on out here, it's not just this. So I'm go and refocus on them and I just needed a little time and then I reinserted myself after that kind of died down and and then something else came up and I had to do it again, you know, but that's being emotionally intelligent, and that's the thing.

Speaker 1: 42:07

Is emotional intelligence is is the key to Leadership, is the key to self-management and self-care and all of those things. So, becoming more emotionally intelligent or emotionally aware of yourself, you can control it. That's right. That's what that's at the end of the day. That's the true lesson is how do you control your own emotions to be able to, either one, stay and enjoy the time, or two, say you know what, I've had enough. Yeah, this is a shit show. I'm going to gracefully bow out and I hope you guys have a good rest of your evening. Exactly, you can go home or you don't need to shove it in their face and say I'm going somewhere else because you guys below, but it's like I'm going to go recenter and I'm going to do my thing and then go hang out with your friends.

Speaker 2: 42:56

Exactly.

Speaker 1: 42:57

Or go to misery with another person that is not enjoying their time with their family. That's right. Whatever you need to do to reset and shake off all of the negative energy, you know really what it comes down to is managing yourself in order to best respond to a situation.

Speaker 2: 43:11

Well, and what I love about that is and I think it's a common theme through all these strategies is all of them are managing yourself and honoring what you need. Right, so not feeling like you have to be the punching bag for somebody else, not feeling like you're stuck and you just have to listen to this blow hard, keep going on about whatever it is, and or, if it's worse than that, right Not sitting next to whomever it is in the room who maybe it's a little handy or whatever it is. Right, because we know all that shit happens. Right, when you get into gatherings like this, again, regardless of the group of people we're focused on family here, but regardless of the group of people and really feel like it and I love how you just described it Just kind of gracefully like, okay, I'm done here.

Speaker 2: 43:53

Right, so to your hostess thanks so much I got to go. You don't have to say why, you don't even have to make up a lie. Thanks so much I got to go. This was great. See you next time. Right and off you go, but honoring yourself and not feeling like you're trapped right, because you're not trapped unless you let yourself be trapped.

Speaker 1: 44:10

Right. You can definitely walk into a hostage situation and accept it for what it is and just go with it, or you can make your choices. And you said something that rings true with me, because I've had a family member be like this is the creepy uncle. Mine was the creepy uncle on my mom's side and so and he had tried you know like he played around with the idea of wanting to be inappropriate with me and because I'd already had two other people in my life be inappropriate with me, I knew what he was trying to do and I was like I don't think so and I was very young. But you know, there was always an uncomfortableness around my grandfather and it's about explaining how it's actually making you feel and not what you think Like I think he's creepy. Okay, what about? You know? Okay, but nobody's going to. You know I shouldn't say nobody's going to listen to that, but people are going to be like, oh what? So he's creepy? No, he was inappropriate with me and I'm not comfortable and I don't want to be around him.

Speaker 2: 45:11

Yeah, and I don't want another chance. And go a step further to describe what he did. Yes, because even like you said, I feel like, especially with young people, and so I love that we're going down this direction. This would be a great place to wrap up, right, even with our young people. How often we send our young people into situations because it's family, where we encourage them to do things that we would never encourage them to do otherwise? For example, aren't you going to hug so and so?

Speaker 1: 45:37

Oh, my God.

Speaker 2: 45:39

So with our young people especially. And so I feel like, like you know, if a six year old, eight year old, 10 year old even said he's kind of, he's being inappropriate with me, you know there might be somebody in that space who would be like, oh honey, he's being, he's harmless, he's whatever, but when you say he did this or he did this and it made me feel uncomfortable. However, we both know, jane, that we had to learn, not the hard way in our lives, because there weren't adults who give us permission or model that. So if our listeners who are, you know, have the young people in their lives parents, guardians, whatever it is take nothing away from this episode. Take this part away from this episode in terms of equipping your kids to handle these dynamics in a way that makes them feel safe and secure and all the things right and so and so the start of that is having the conversations before you go about. Okay, we're going to be with everybody and you know, do you have? Are there any concerns that you have any? Give them a space to say well gosh, last time we were with grandpa, he made me feel really uncomfortable because and lots of times our young people aren't going to come out with that, right? But then to say, okay, so when we get there, right, we're all going to go in. You don't have to hug anybody you don't want to hug, right? Give them a high five, shake their hand, whatever. Give them a fist bump.

Speaker 2: 47:01

And if somebody is making you uncomfortable for any reason maybe they're saying things that you disagree with and it's making you angry. Maybe they're looking at you as it doesn't matter, right? If you feel triggered or uncomfortable, here's what the plan is going to be. And give them a concrete plan to adhere to so that they feel like they can get your attention. Because I know we're all guilty, right, as parents, of getting we get caught up. We haven't seen our siblings or we haven't seen our cousins for so long. We get caught up in our own adult stuff and the kids are like in the background. We're not even really paying attention to them. So, equipping our kids with the plan. If you walk up to me and you say Skittles, right. Or you say I need help in the blank or that's our key term, so that I know to step away with you because something's going on, we need to figure it out.

Speaker 1: 47:43

Right, exactly, and yeah, and making it a safe space for your kids. You know, because if you have a great, if you have an uncle that was creepy when you were a kid, he's still creepy to your kids. So keep that in mind and be able to have those conversations with them, because no matter how nice and whatever somebody is, you never know Like the most unobvious people have been predators, you know, and stuff like that. And not saying that every family has predators or we're not saying that. But we you and I, janice, have lived through families that we had predators everywhere. You know to vary the most extreme cases.

Speaker 2: 48:23

I didn't look up statistics before this episode, Jane, but the truth of the matter is the last time I looked at them. The statistics are that seven out of 11 girls are in some way sexually accosted in their youth Right, Whether it's in a boyfriend touch when it's freaking all out rate, whether it's being, you know, verbally being, you know said, spoken to whatever, everything Seven out of 11 girls.

Speaker 2: 48:45

That means that there's likely somebody in almost every, if not every, almost every family who is in some way shape or form been inappropriate with children. That's just the truth from a numbers perspective, right? So I'm like again, I, yes, both of us are saying we're not saying anybody in your family, but we are saying don't be fucking naive, right. And so and so equipping, right, equip your kid going into a family situation just like you would if they were going into a situation with strangers, because they are more likely to have something happen to them with somebody you and they know than they are ever to be harmed by a stranger. And so we have to actually factor that into our thinking.

Speaker 1: 49:24

Oh, totally, and it's even the verbal aspect of it, because I remember, you know, gosh, especially for girls, when you start developing, and then your family members who haven't seen you since you were like six, and then all of a sudden you have boobs and and you know you're filling out and you're doing all these things.

Speaker 1: 49:42

I have had uncles make comments like, oh, you know, you know, somebody's wearing a bra now and blah, blah, blah in a fucking appropriate and in, and I mean I equipped the girls. Like, if anybody makes you feel that way, I want to know who it was and what they said, because I will go talk to them, because I don't want anybody sexualizing my daughter during a family function, because even those comments like, oh, you're going to have a real womanly body, or oh, this, that inappropriate, so it could even be just those comments that make our daughters or sons skin crawl and their hood on totally, because they feel violated and it's like they're not, because they have been and they're not comfortable. You know, most of our teenagers want to be at home with their friends. You know they want to be out, but if they're really comfortable at home, they want to be at home and they want to be hanging out, and they don't want to have to deal with all the other personalities and everything. So this is uncomfortable for them too.

Speaker 2: 50:39

It's not fun sometimes, you know so taking into account, right, like taking that into account and having those conversations beforehand and looking beyond the obvious, right? Because sometimes our teenagers especially are saying, oh my God, this sucks, I hate going there, everybody's so, this, that, that, that, and sometimes it's generally because they're teenagers and they're, you know, just begrudging when it comes to family at that age anyway. But sometimes there's something else behind it. And so, again, having the conversation, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, to say out loud, listen, if anything happens to you, just said it. That makes you feel uncomfortable, then a feel okay standing up for yourself, right, and feel I feel okay saying, uncle, so-and-so, please don't talk about my body.

Speaker 2: 51:22

But most kids aren't confident enough to do that yet. So, at the very least, then combine me, like you said, right, and here's, here's what you say, to get my attention. Because easy enough to be like, okay, I'll look, I'll come out, but here's the code word. So I know we need to talk immediately, for, so that you don't feel like you have to be like no, it's an emergency, here's the code word, and go have that conversation and think about what you're going to do about it, right, and that goes so long, that goes so far with your kids in terms of like, kind of like your conversation where we started this episode with Chase, where they kind of go oh okay, you really are going to protect me, and it doesn't matter who it is, whether it's your best friend, your father, your, you know, whoever, you're still going to protect me.

Speaker 1: 52:00

Right, it, just it. This whole conversation reminded me of the scene from 16 candles when the family comes over to the grandparents, come over and Sam was in the bathroom and she comes out and the grandma's like she's gotten a little bit and grabs her boobs. And we thought that was funny, oh yeah, as as kids like, oh, the grandma grabbed her boobs. But it makes me think like, oh my God, that shit happens all the time and it's so horrifying. You know, grandpa was like in the background, I'm like barf, you know, but that shit really happens and and we're conditioned to laugh it off. Yeah, we are. I mean, look at the show, it's how people do it. Yeah, and that's how we get, you know, brainwashed, whatever, but like influenced in ways that, oh, this is just funny and it's acceptable.

Speaker 1: 52:49

That movie was made in the prime of child molestation and kidnapping, like the 80s and the 90s were so bad and it was like right and and and rightfully so, it's right. When, you know, it started getting talked about and publicized more, the media started picking up on it and all these missing kids and all of these kids Like that statistic seven out of 11 girls have had some type of like sexual abuse of some sort. That's like 75% of women, exactly. It's sickening, yeah, and and and the conditioning that we've had. I mean it did. You were talking. I'm like, oh my God, this is 16 handles, like coming for the wedding and everybody's getting together and we're having to move rooms and we're making room and they're farting in my bed and like my grandparents not sleeping in my bed. It's kind of like the situation I have right now with you know, my brother, you know it's all of those things. Now my brother's not appropriate with my daughter or anything like that.

Speaker 2: 53:43

But, but it's all the things we do and it makes you uncomfortable, right Cause you have to give up stuff, you have to move stuff, and so you know. I think that, as we're wrapping up like the common there, there hopefully a few common things people are taking away from this. One is take care of yourself. Don't feel like you have to do anything just because it's the holidays and it's family. Right, it is more and more common now to to do whatever it is that makes you happy for the holidays. And I say it that way because, you know, stigma is a real thing, and so the fact that it's more and more common, common means that there's less and less stigma around.

Speaker 2: 54:18

Not, and it is what it is in terms of like. Sometimes stigma drives us. So do what makes you happy. And then, second to that is making sure that, if there are kids in your care when you go into these situations, that you're also being thoughtful Ahead of time with them. So and we talked, of course, about a lot of different ways to do that. So, final thoughts what are you thinking?

Speaker 1: 54:39

Yeah, final thoughts. You know here's, here's I mean it's it's a long final thought, but here's some conflict of resolution skills, so I'm just going to run through. So use yes statements. You know, we know that we don't say you, you, you don't point fingers like I just did. Don't point your fingers. Let the person explain themselves and actively listen, and that's what we talked about. Seek to understand and then to be understood. You maintain a calm tone. Yeah, that's a big one. You start hearing voices raise and then nobody's listening. We're just shouting. Show, show a willingness to compromise or collaborate, like, okay, I, you know what that makes sense. What's going to move us forward? How can, how can I help you with that? Don't talk behind people's backs, go figure. Talking behind people's backs makes them mad.

Speaker 2: 55:29

I don't understand what that's, how that relates to drama, but okay sure, I know.

Speaker 1: 55:34

You know I'm a big believer in I won't say anything that I wouldn't say straight to your face. I might be talking to someone about the situation or whatever, but I'm going to turn around. If you walk up, I'm going to say join the conversation, let's go, you know like let's, let's do this A couple more. Don't take anything personally. I know that's a hard one for everyone, but really that's one of our. The laws that we should live by is don't take anything personally. Pay close attention to nonverbal communication. Did you know that 56% of communication is body language? Yeah, 36% is tonality and 7%, I think, is adds up to 100. There is the actual words coming out of your mouth.

Speaker 2: 56:14

It's amazing, right? Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 1: 56:16

Yeah, yeah, because you could say something 10 different ways and get 10 different responses from it or reactions. Um prioritizing resolving the conflict over being right. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong, but there's a conflict and that's what we need to focus on. You know, no one to apologize and forgive, and it's okay to disagree. It's okay to disagree. Um focus on the conflict at hand, not past ones. That is, I think that's the money, the over, that. That's the umbrella. If you have a conflict, you cannot bring in 20, 20 years, two decades worth of bullshit and pile it on top and the go, and this is why this went wrong.

Speaker 2: 57:01

No, that's not why I did this and blah, blah, blah yeah.

Speaker 1: 57:05

It was a chain reaction for the last 20 years. No bitch, that's not what happened. Okay, get the old shit out. If you're really worried about that 20 years of stuff and you have a grudge against me or whatever, we'll talk about that later. Let's fix this first, move forward, and then we can go back and talk about those things and clear up that space, right, um, use humor when appropriate. I'm a big one with humor, like I love well-timed humor, you and I like that's what we're about, and it will be about the hardest thing. Oh yeah, laughing about it, because I mean, even yesterday there was a point where I was like you know, like people were like kind of bickering a little bit and it like I just started laughing because I'm just like, yeah, this is great, you know, like I don't know what else to do, but laugh at this point, you know. And then, um, finally remember the importance of the relationship.

Speaker 2: 57:54

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 57:55

That's the big one, that's the foundational aspect is do you kind of maintain this relationship? Is it that important to you? Because, honestly, if it's not that important to you and you don't want to remain the uh, retain the relationship, why are you even interacting with the situation or doing any of that?

Speaker 2: 58:10

Yeah, yeah, just wait, save your energy and, like you said, kind of conserve that and walk away. So my final thought then is going to be and I love all of that, jane, so many different little pieces that people can kind of take away, pick one right.

Speaker 2: 58:25

You guys like you're not going to suddenly have a whole different experience if you're somebody who goes into the holidays dreading it, so start with one, right, um. And my final thing is you know, none of this is absent the I'm going to call it the host right, whoever, wherever you're going if you're going to Jane's house, my house, your mom's house, grandma's house, best friend's house, right, wherever you're going, right, whoever's hosting it, just being mindful of all of the things, right, um, and you know we get so focused on the decorations are just right and the food is just right and all the things. And, by the way, one of the best pieces of advice I got on hosting ever and I can't remember the source, it was some social media.

Speaker 2: 59:03

Whatever it was, nobody ever looks below window height in your house, so don't like don't stress the baseball, don't stress the stupid shit, like all of a sudden you're like everything has to be perfect.

Speaker 2: 59:11

Anyway, that's a different conversation, but for this one, as the host just being um, aware, right, um, and and also enlisting some folks to help you, right, like when you're trying to navigate a bunch of people in your house and you're trying to make sure the food is out and you're trying to make sure you can't also be the conflict resolution person and also be running around trying to make sure nobody's upset about anything. So it recruit a couple of other folks, right, who are going to be the ones on hand to like jump in when things are starting to get a little bit out of where you, you know, would like to see them be in terms of the relationships and the conversations or what have you, and distract and deflect and get people to move on, et cetera. Like you can't be all things to all people, um, but you can be mindful, right, and kind of be um, thinking about things ahead of time.

Speaker 1: 59:55

Well, and, and you know, and and on just to cap that real quick is you don't have to be the hero in the situation. You can bow out and and have a plan. Have a plan for when you have, when you're feeling overwhelmed or something's going to happen, so you can still maintain your composure and have a plan. Like you know what, if, if mom gets on my nerves today, I'm going to go to the bathroom yeah, bring my phone, bring my pen, my vape pen, whatever you, whatever your advice is, and I'm going to go take a timeout in the bathroom for a couple of minutes. You know, or I'm going to go outside, I'm going to go in the garage, or I'm going to go somewhere where nobody else is, where you can just really just reset, cry a minute, if you need to do whatever you need to do to regain your composure and then who saw it? And then come back in and or make the decision to bow out or whatever it is, or still enjoy it. You know the best of it.

Speaker 2: 1:00:47

Exactly All right, you guys. So, um, yeah, we're hoping that you took a lot away from that on a lot of different fronts. And, um, you know, we are excited to spend our first Thanksgiving together. We're excited for you guys as you go into holiday season. But, again, noting, knowing, knowing, that the holiday season is not great for everyone and there's a whole, a lot of other reasons that we'll talk about in episodes before Christmas about. You know, for some folks, holidays are just not a good time and so how you think about that, et cetera. But for now, be sure to like, subscribe, share, go over to YouTube, make sure you take a look at us, you know, give us all your snide comments.

Speaker 2: 1:01:23

Um, in the description of this episode is our email. We're always, always, always looking forward to your stories, your examples. If you have a family holiday world war story that you want us to talk about um online and you want us to actually give some coaching around and thinking around, send it to us in our email. Dumpster diving uh, dumpster dive, j J at gmailcom. Right, it'll be in the the podcast description, um, and we'll put it on. Right, we'll read it and we'll keep your name out of it and we'll just offer some ideas and suggestions that are really specific to you, but like, subscribe, share, do all the things and, uh, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, you guys.

Speaker 1: 1:01:59

Yeah and uh, we'll, uh, we will do our um illegal song playing here. Here we go.

Speaker 2: 1:02:07

Yeah, let's do it as we go out, please, yeah. All right, julie noted. Peace out everybody. Yeah, we cannot hear that friend. Bye.