Reflecting on a Year of Growth: Family Discoveries, Driving Lessons, and Embracing the Journey Ahead

As the calendar turns a fresh page, we're not just stepping into a new year, but also pausing to savor the stories that shaped the last one. Join us on a heartfelt journey through the highs and lows of the inaugural year of Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane - a year where we not only juggled the chaos of daily life but also celebrated the triumphs, like hitting our goal of 28 podcast episodes. We also celebrate our listeners, who've stuck with us every step of the way.

Laughter has been our saving grace, providing balance against the backdrop of more serious discussions, like teaching our teenage daughters to navigate the roads (and life) behind the wheel. We share those palm-sweating, heart-racing tales of driving lessons gone awry, and the unexpected camaraderie found in the aftermath of a Starbucks drive-thru scare. Reflect with us on the past, join in our anticipation for an incredible year ahead, and remember, no matter the detours, we're in this ride together.

Be sure to LIKE, SUBSCRIBE, and SHARE. Don't forget - we are on YOUTUBE now!

Contact us at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com with your ideas and stories!

Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:02

You are listening to Dumpster Diving with Janice and Jane and we are ringing in the new year 2024. January 7th everybody at least we made it to the first seven days of the year.

Speaker 2: 0:20

I'm calling it a win and closing it down it's done. Successful year, that's right. We are going to be really quickly on that note With the wellness stuff that I do. I've been talking with my clients about how you will measure success this year. Obviously we do a lot of goal setting and that kind of stuff. But moving beyond that to next December and when you look back, how will you measure success, Keep that in the back of your mind.

Speaker 1: 0:49

We should come back to that at the end of our episode and say I love that I actually have a different way to say it. For my clients.

Speaker 2: 0:56

I usually say why don't you make me a?

Speaker 1: 0:58

Vomit party this year. What would make you want to celebrate? What do you need to accomplish to make?

Speaker 2: 1:06

What would?

Speaker 1: 1:06

make you want to vomit. Well, that too.

Speaker 2: 1:11

We're not looking for the vomit party, we're looking for the Vomit party.

Speaker 2: 1:14

Wait a minute, let's think about a vomit party. We're not talking about my holiday party. That's a reference to the last episode. Everybody so good, congrats. We have made it through a full year. Congrats to you, congrats to me. I'm so happy, I'm so happy for our YouTube Watchers and congrats to our listeners who stuck with us. Yeah, fine, the whole time. And we do have I know we joke about it because we literally our numbers. We've got a lot of work to do on our numbers, but there are a few people who, every episode we put out, reach out and say, oh my gosh, I love this, or oh my gosh, so for you, you know who you are. Thank you, we love you. Thank you for being there every single time.

Speaker 1: 1:54

Now, this year, we need you to make a goal of sharing right Like share with us yes, we love that, but share with the world and put it out there right, yes, yes, we are doing and today we're gonna be doing kind of just a review of 2023 and look at all of the accomplishments that we've had, but we'll revisit some of the tough times that we had and where are we with them now. You know what's transpired since then and how have we handled things. So we're just gonna kind of have a smorgasbord of 2023. I love it. Pulls it out, official seal stamp of approval. We're dripping wax and stamping it Done and like it or not, we're moving on.

Speaker 2: 2:32

I love it. I love it. And we published 28 episodes in 2023. We were gonna try to get to 30 and then do a 30 minute on the 30th. And then I said to Jane so I had the whole crew for the holidays, we had all six of our kids, two of our grandkids, plus a cousin, plus other people, and then in and out, we had a big New Year's Eve party, et cetera. And so I said to her this morning, the next time, I say, oh, sure, sure, sure, I'll do that and that and that, while all those people are here remind me I'm full of shit and let's have a different plan. So 28 episodes got published in 2023. But you know what? Freakin' so proud of us for that? Like not to self-congratulatory, but we have freaking crazy lives and we both already wear multiple hats our full-time jobs, our side hustles that we do, et cetera. And on top of all of that, we did 28 episodes and got them published last year.

Speaker 1: 3:29

Right, and so maybe not congratulate yourself, but you can congratulate me and I'll congratulate you. So then it doesn't.

Speaker 2: 3:36

Oh my God, congratulations are amazing.

Speaker 1: 3:38

Oh my God, you're the best.

Speaker 2: 3:39

No, you are the best. No, you are. No, you are Okay, we both are, we both are.

Speaker 1: 3:45

All right, and if you're watching on YouTube and it looks a little drab on our video, it's because we're fucking around with different filters and CPS sounded or Sepia or however you say it. Whatever Pretty cool. So let's get into the old-timey days and have some old movies.

Speaker 2: 3:59

I think we should just keep doing this because neither one of us is really committed. I'll speak for myself. I'm not really committed early Sunday morning to being all dolled up for a YouTube video, so I like the idea of using filters. So we don't.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Yeah, should, and typically the only thing I'm committed to on Sunday morning is a little wake and bake.

Speaker 2: 4:15

So I haven't done that, yet.

Speaker 2: 4:17

That's right. See you guys, pre-wake and bake. I'm just excited Pre-wake and bake, so yeah, so I'm looking through really quickly and if you're a brand new listener, obviously we're gonna encourage you to go back to Spotify or Apple Podcasts wherever or YouTube, and just go back to the beginning, right, because all of this started when we found each other via our crazy family members who were all out there on 23andme doing shit, and so the history of all of that is already there. It's already documented, as well as our backstories, right, and why, the kind of how we ended up discovering so much synergy across us had a lot to do with the. We share the blood of our father. We grew up completely in different circumstances, different parts of the world, et cetera, and yet there's so much synergy behind the shit we went through, and so that was kind of a beautiful beginning. Beautiful beginning, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1: 5:14

And it's a very curious beginning because, honestly, we didn't even know what the fuck we were gonna talk about. We were just like we need to do a podcast and we're just gonna figure it out, because in that first Zoom call that we had with each other, it was like the universe was aligned and we were like, oh my God, we are sisters because we share a personality, a four-sword Exactly right, that was the craziest part.

Speaker 2: 5:37

right, because we literally just got on a Zoom with a stranger and I think it was like two, two and a half hours later, right, we were like it's been like almost three hours. This is awesome. And, from the beginning, the craziest thing is that it didn't feel like I was talking to a stranger, right, right, and so, yeah, so we decided we must be awesome, so we should start a podcast, because the whole world should share in the awesomeness. Right, here we are.

Speaker 1: 6:02

Not only that because we're awesome, but because the rest of the world is awesome too. They just don't know it yet.

Speaker 2: 6:06

My God, okay, yes, you're right, we're right. Your bird agrees with you or your bird disagrees with you? I'm not sure which.

Speaker 1: 6:13

Here's the deal. This bird is in the background. I'm going to try to keep her quiet, but this may be a special episode where she has some input about. I like it. I like it.

Speaker 2: 6:24

Well, we said we wanted a guest for today, but we didn't get around to organizing anybody, so I think she's just meeting a need right now, so but to your point.

Speaker 2: 6:32

Yes, that was one of the initial premises, and when folks go back and listen to the why and how episode, we do, in all seriousness, talk about, like the why is that?

Speaker 2: 6:40

You and I have naturally been the people in other people's lives that they turn to for support and resources and coaching and advice and all the things.

Speaker 2: 6:52

And so realizing that about each other made us say, gosh, wouldn't it be amazing to be able to like, create a space where we could be available to share the things we've learned, to the extent that they're helpful for people to learn from other people as they come in as guests and write to us, and all of those things, and then put that forth into the space of the world and see what happens with it.

Speaker 2: 7:14

Right, so, yeah, and in all seriousness, our kind of purpose in life, right, mine has always been very clear about this idea that I'm a big believer that we are all put on this earth to make it better, period, you know, start to finish, however long we have on it, and if we're not here to make it better, what the fuck? Right, like, you're here just to like follow the pattern of going to school and getting a job and having a family and having some grandkids. Maybe, if you're fortunate to do all those things and then die right Like we're here to make the world better in the way that we can small, medium and large ways and so this podcast, really just for me, is one more way to do that.

Speaker 1: 7:52

Agreed. I couldn't agree more. And you know, this year, I mean, we got through the first year of us getting to know each other, getting to collaborate and deal with life chaos and have to be flexible with each other. I mean, you know, and all of those things, we've all had our. You know, we both have had our fair share of stress and heartache and everything else this past year, but that's all part of life and if we can help other people navigate life in general a little bit better, just by one little thing that we said in one of the episodes or whatever, then mission accomplished.

Speaker 1: 8:30

You know, we're not trying to save the world, but we're just trying to share some of the things that we've been through and some of the heartache campaign that we've had to work through, and share the ways that we've done it so that maybe it helped somebody, exactly One person. I'm cool with that, you know. So that's what we're excited about. And you know, I'm excited about this upcoming year because we're working on a lot of things behind the scene. We're not going to talk about them right now because, you know, it's just it's things that we are brewing up but hopefully by this summer that we can start discussing, you know, openly, with our six listeners.

Speaker 2: 9:07

Hey, sometimes there's a seventh. There's some of your-.

Speaker 1: 9:08

There is a seventh. But you know what we love you guys, and we know that you're going to grow and we know that you're going to share when you feel it's appropriate. We never want to force anything on you guys or anything else, but if you hear something awesome and you think that somebody else would love to hear it, send it to your friend, just send that episode to your friend and let them listen to it. Exactly, bro, you don't put the whole. You know you have to listen to every single episode because you know everything. Yes, there's great things in every single episode. There's also some stupid shit too. So you know you'll be entertained and learn something, but let's get into it. Let's talk about you know where we started last year and where we're at now. Let's just, you know, hit some highlights and wherever you see that something has changed or there's an update, let's hit on it.

Speaker 2: 9:52

I love it. Well, and we, you know, I think that we've kind of talked about the first several episodes, right, the getting to know who we are, why we're doing this, digging into both of our backstories, et cetera. But I will say some of my and, all seriousness, a lot of them are my favorite episodes. But I really have valued, you know, early on, especially we definitely did some episodes with other members of our Doxy family, right, A whole part of the premise of this, this connection for us, is that you know we are two of 12, that we know of siblings who were born to the same father, across multiple marriages and relationships, et cetera.

Speaker 2: 10:28

And so we've been able to bring in we brought in our cousin Dylan, we brought in our cousin oh my God, cousin, thank you, oh my God, Thank you. I don't know why. I just Dina sorry, Dina, I just blanked on your name. We brought in a couple of our step-sister cousin, right, Folks, to flesh out that history a little bit more and that story a little bit more. So those were a couple of my favorites that I really loved. How about you?

Speaker 1: 10:54

Yeah, I definitely love spending time with them and if you haven't listened to those episodes, they can be very emotional, you know, because you know there's a lot of unresolved or unprocessed information that we've learned over this past year and so of our siblings and half siblings and you know I joke about Dina being our sister cousin, but it's really true she's our sister cousin but a lot of things that she's had to process through too, you know. I mean she realized who her father was this past year. Yeah, she's 51 years old, you know. I mean like or I think, or maybe she's a little bit older than that, or maybe a little bit younger, I'm not sure. Sorry, dina, but you know she just got confirmed who her father is and she found out that she has a sibling who is our cousin, dylan, and another sibling, I should say, and stuff like that.

Speaker 1: 11:47

So it's like there's a lot, there's a lot to unpack and there's a lot of, you know, anxiety around that and why me and what? This? You know I mean same with us. You know. I mean you found out last year or the tail end of 2022 that you know you had all these siblings and a father that had passed away many, many years ago. So chances of you meeting or discussing or anything like that is gone. But you have us to learn about them through and I'm sure that there's things that you are like hmm, you know, like I need to talk a little bit more. I've learned some stuff about you know, you and my other siblings that I've had to process. It's not family stuff, but it's just everything it's work stuff.

Speaker 1: 12:27

And we go into those topics. So it's been, it's been a lot of fun. I've had a ton of fun recording with you. Like I feel like I have definitely gained, you know, the sister that I always wanted you know, and in this whole process, and I'm very thankful, and so if we can bring that positivity to other people that may be in a similar situation and get them to think outside of their own box, you know then, hey, you know there's none of us has to be here. There's no one out there. Nobody asked us to be here and or nobody asked us to be here, asked our permission to have us. So here we are, you know, handling the life that we were given, and it's how you handle, it is how you move through your life and stick to it, you know.

Speaker 2: 13:17

Well, and that's you know, and we get into that a lot at different points, I think, across our episodes, folks will see that, you know, it's like you said, nobody has to be born right and certainly we have no control over the circumstances we're born into. And recognizing that, you know, that's random, right, it's completely random and depending on your religious beliefs, maybe you feel like it's more specific than that, but in general, right, we don't have control over it. We're born into whatever we're born into. And one of the takeaways I think for me is, you know, is really even more deeply understanding this idea that if we can just take five minutes and put ourselves in somebody else's shoes, right, and really think with an empathetic lens because, again, nobody asks to be born into conditions that are challenging you and I are walking, breathing proof that you can be born into that right To just shit and still turn into an adult who has a life that's filled with joy and all the things right.

Speaker 2: 14:16

But there are some folks who continue to struggle right, as a result of what they were born into and what they've gone through and or what they've gone through over time. And, yes, I love that the way you put that, jane, that together we have this opportunity to to shed light on what's possible, right, because we do believe that it's possible for any and everyone, and sometimes you just need those bright moments, and we hope to continue to bring those bright moments. And I've learned so much from you, from the perspective of you know, watching you navigate the challenges that life throws at us and really respect the heck out of your perseverance and your commitment to your family, right, which is something that neither one of us had modeled for us. No, no, and so it really does truly come from within, and watching you do that has been really beautiful for me.

Speaker 1: 15:10

Oh, thanks you, You're welcome, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 2: 15:13

I can't talk to you.

Speaker 1: 15:14

You blew it. You blew it by Sandy. I blew it, thank you. And just as a pre or a side note, I have a terrible chest cold, you guys, so I may have to go off and cough my ass off real quick. She's got a bird.

Speaker 2: 15:27

She's got a cough, she's got a. I will improvise when you leave, don't you worry. I'm on a log and on it I'm on a log and a dance. So those are some of the things, but I also love that we interspersed it all with that kind of heavier stuff, that more serious stuff, if you will. Like you said was a lot of fun, right, we brought in some really great guests this year and we're hoping to bring even more guests this second year. But we had my sister-in-law, lauren, on for the Mother's Day episode, which was really powerful Because, again, we usually think about Mother's Day in terms of, like all, light and airy and wonderful, and the fact of the matter is our relationships with our mothers are very complex, regardless of how wonderful or not they are, and so we kind of got real about that. We had, of course, jp, who you introduced me to, who I love and adore, and he's been a recurring guest and I know he'll continue to be a recurring guest. He will be back he will be back.

Speaker 1: 16:20

I don't think he can stay away from us. I think that he has a lot of fun with us and I think that whenever we have a recording with him, we're the highlight of the day for him, because and he's the highlight of our day to be quite honest, like he is just such a fun and interesting man, I just love him to pieces I really do, and he's actually helping us with the little side project. So we'll get into that further into the year, but I'm very proud of us for sticking to it, despite what you know, all of the challenges that we've both had over the year. I mean, your work schedule is chaotic, mine is too. You know, the family is the and all the extras. You know, it's really not hard to navigate work and family. It's hard to navigate when you have so many extra things going on, and this is actually one of the extra things Exactly. It's something that we don't have to do. We could just, you know, spend time with each other. But again, you know, I have a more global thought process when it comes to, you know, helping people and stuff like that, and I was like, you know, this is the best way to do it.

Speaker 1: 17:30

So you know you said the family episodes was one of yours, your favorites. I really love the goal episode from story fifth. I mean that one we were just cracking up. I've looked back on the times that I've sat and listened to our episodes, which I've listened to all of them on my own time, just driving to work you know I have a long way to work or coming home and just laughing my ass off at us, like I mean, we are so freaking silly. We are just silly and witty and I love that about us is that you never know what's going to come out of our stupid mouths.

Speaker 2: 18:07

And we never know what's going to come out of our stupid mouths. We never know.

Speaker 1: 18:10

We really don't know. I'm sure we've surprised each other and ourselves a couple of times, but I love that, through all the seriousness that we speak of, there are very heavy topics and stuff like that. We can still laugh our asses off and find the brighter side of it. Exactly you know what? But that's how we've lived our lives. That's it. Comedy is like such good there, and if you can't laugh at some of the things that you've been through Exactly, I was just explaining that to one of my employees. She took a nasty spill coming out of her house the other day and the house that she rents has tile outdoor oh gosh, on the outside when it was cleaning she slipped, hit the stairs into a cactus like she was, oh geez, fucked up. And I sent her a text and I was like you know, in like a month you're going to be laughing about this, right, that's her.

Speaker 2: 19:01

I will be counting out the days.

Speaker 1: 19:03

But I can't wait to hear the real story and laugh my ass off with you because of this baby. She's like yes my baby and I'm like no, you will, you will, I will make you laugh about it. Oh my god, If you can't laugh at it and just really just go, OK, it is what it is then why are we living life?

Speaker 2: 19:21

That's exactly right, that's exactly right. Oh God, love that so much.

Speaker 2: 19:26

That episode tickled me, I love that and I love that you, just because that was a relatively short episode and you took so much away from it. I also want to make sure, and we need to look at the timing of this, because I can't remember when, but it might. I don't even know if it's out there yet. But remember, back in September we actually did an interview with Meredith Inger from she TV. He did, we went through JP and if you guys haven't seen that episode, go back. It was published on September 4th.

Speaker 2: 19:53

But she, our focus in that conversation was a documentary they were working on called Unmasking the Scars of no, that's not what it was called, I just lost the name of it, but it's about unmasking the scars of domestic violence and they interview and they follow three women who've gone through that experience and really it's designed to be like this uplifting documentary that really gets more toward what happens after versus focusing on what happens during and up to, which is what you typically see when you see those stories. And Meredith was just fantastic and what a frickin' powerhouse woman she is right, starting her own company in that field and that industry. So that was one that I really loved. And then I loved that we introduced at the second part of the year, our fireside chats.

Speaker 1: 20:38

Oh my gosh, I love the fireside chats. They're so much fun. I mean the one about being a cult, oh my god. Yeah, I just loved that one. And there was a more recent one too, where I actually reached out to you and was like we're fucking funny. I can't remember which one it is, but I was driving.

Speaker 2: 20:56

I think it was the Eerie Encounters one, the Halloween one.

Speaker 1: 20:59

Oh, the Halloween one. Oh, my god, we were talking about the Ouija board, shikudori.

Speaker 2: 21:04

Oh frickin' funny yes.

Speaker 1: 21:09

I love being silly and I love little jokes and stuff like that, but that episode really had me in stitches Because it was just like telling a scary story. And then you're sitting outside and you're like, great, Now you're talking about creepy dead kids and I'm like, hey, guess what?

Speaker 2: 21:26

I don't know what to tell you it was awesome and I think that what I love about those chats is that well, first off, I think people who listen to us more than one time have figured out we try not to take ourselves too seriously. We feel like we have a lot to offer, but we're also not pretending to be experts on, frankly, anything. We're just asking people on learning from life lessons and then sharing them with other people. But the fireside chats was a space for us to say listen. We were a little bit, even though we dropped the effort. Sometimes.

Speaker 2: 21:54

We are a little bit PC in our regular episodes in terms of really wanting to make sure we're very clear about talking about all the hard things in a way that invites people in and doesn't shut anybody out.

Speaker 2: 22:04

Our fireside chats are more about not shutting people out None of it is but it is about being very clear about our views and our personal opinions about things, and so some of them have been fun, like the Halloween one. Some of them have been more serious. We jumped into one early on about gun violence, right, and we just had first week back to school after the holidays another fucking shooting at another school, this time in Iowa, and honestly, hardly made the news. What I paid attention to after the first day was, OK, how much it's hardly made the news because we are so desensitized. We're not going to go down that tangent rabbit hole again right now, but that's why we created that episode, because we own our responsibility. If we're going to be in this space, no matter how many listeners we have. We own our responsibility for making sure that we speak up and for what we believe in, and so fireside chats are going to continue to bring that opportunity for us as we come into year two.

Speaker 1: 23:01

Yeah, and there's a ton of topics that we could cover, but I would love to shout out to our listeners, or whoever they're sharing it with, and new listeners, if there's a topic that you want us to cover.

Speaker 2: 23:14

Absolutely.

Speaker 1: 23:17

You know, because we can adapt to any story and also give our two cents on it too. So if that's what you want and you want to know what our opinion is on something that's topical, just let us know and we'll include it in a topic we don't Doesn't have to be all our ideas all the time, so Exactly Love that and so much of.

Speaker 2: 23:36

I think what we end up talking about is the stuff that just comes up in our day to day life.

Speaker 2: 23:41

So we wrapped up the year with really navigating holidays.

Speaker 2: 23:44

There's a lot of stuff there around that Because, again, we've got a lot of experience about things that can be helpful, things that can be hurtful, all the things, and I fully expect that we're going to see that trend every year, right, because every year is a new year and bringing those experiences again from real life and helping people think through them and sometimes people just need to know somebody else is going through it too right, like just that experience in and of itself is, I think, something that can be a value to folks.

Speaker 2: 24:12

So, again, in all seriousness, we can't thank you guys enough for sticking with us and we're going to lean into you this year and really hope and ask and maybe beg a little bit that you start to share. And, jane, I loved your idea of not necessarily trying to convince somebody to go watch everything, all the things, but maybe, as you're listening to an episode and you think of someone you care about and you think, god, it'd be great for them to hear this Just send the link, a quick text with a link that says oh my gosh, you should listen to this right, and then we'll let it grow from there.

Speaker 1: 24:43

Yeah, you can text it right to your friend. You hit the little square with the arrow pointing up and then you just send it on to the square with an arrow. But speaking of things that were similar, things that we're going through, you and I have a very similar thing going on right now.

Speaker 2: 24:59

Part two of this episode is about real life.

Speaker 1: 25:03

Guys, we both have. Well, she has a 16-year-old daughter and I have an 18-year-old daughter who are both learning how to drive, and they both have their learner's permits. They've passed the paper test. Now it's time to get on the road.

Speaker 2: 25:20

Yes, they have.

Speaker 1: 25:21

You know it's very stressful.

Speaker 2: 25:26

It is, and so this part is going to be all about, like, how to parent when you're teaching your kid to drive, what not to do. What not to do because I did something yesterday or Friday, it's going to start us off with not to do, because lots of times we learn so much about hearing the what not to do story. So take it away, jane. How's it going over there?

Speaker 1: 25:43

Oh yeah, so it's going good. Actually, you know, chase is a excellent golf cart driver. Oh, impressive. So, because if you can drive as a golf cart, you can drive a car. Oh, obviously done so. That was her claim to fame before she got her learner's permit is that she knows how to drive a golf cart and everything's going to be just fine.

Speaker 1: 26:06

You put that said child in the driver's seat of her mother's car the only car that she owns, that's right and says okay, let's hit the road. I'm going to be a little nervous Now. I will say this I am being a lot better than I thought I would be. I was going to be not good at all, like don't even you know, because I'm not a control freak. But let me just lay it out. I'm a single mom. I have one car. I need to get that work. That car gets wrecked, I have nothing, that's right. You telecommuting, which I can't really do with the position that I hold. So therefore we cannot wreck my car.

Speaker 1: 26:47

So we've been doing driving. We've been doing driving the last couple of weeks, ever since she got a cool side street or, like you know, neighborhoods side. We're not taking the freeway, anything like that, but here's the deal she wants to buy a car and she needs her license. So she needs to get her practice done, because she can't buy a car without a driver's license. So I said you know what? We're going to Six Flags on Friday afternoon, going out for some fun. Why don't you drive to Six Flags? There's a back freeway, it's a highway, not a freeway, so it's two lanes. You'll be fine, are you sure, mom? Yes, you'll be fine. So we were driving and she's like okay, I can do this. You know we're on the 118 and we're just cruising. You know it's two lanes, everything. Well, I put in the directions because I didn't want to pay attention. I wanted her to just do her thing, and so I hit the button to go and here we go. Then the directions bring her on the 405.

Speaker 2: 27:41

Oh God, oh, so it's your fault. You just got a little detail with the floor.

Speaker 1: 27:47

Yeah, before we got on the 405, we're getting off the 118 two lane highway onto the 118 four lane highway.

Speaker 2: 27:57

Okay.

Speaker 1: 27:58

Still nothing like the 101 or the 405, 110 or anything like that. It's pretty chill and for a Friday late morning we're cool, right, but as we're taking this hairpin, turn onto the freeway like a clover leaf right Like one of those.

Speaker 1: 28:14

It's like, yeah, one of those where it's like a real tight turn, but it's like, you know, you can't really see where you're going. I did something you shouldn't do. You guys. I freaked out. She was.

Speaker 1: 28:25

She has this thing where she turns like a little bit at a time, not like a nice swoop, it's like. And we were heading straight for the, the, the, the on ramps, wall Right, and I'm like turn, turn, turn. And I yelled and she wasn't doing it and so I pulled the steering wheel and got us back in the lane, because we were actually in the shoulder at that point and I'm like, and and of course she's like freaking out, and I'm like I'm sorry I had to do that. We were going, I knew we weren't going to hit it. I'm like, oh my God, I go okay. So there's my my bad, you guys, I shouldn't grab the steering wheel and everything else. I've never done anything like that in my life before.

Speaker 1: 29:05

But she literally scared me, yeah, and I told her that. I said it was fear that we were going to hit that wall. I'm so sorry Cause now at that point she's crying. And that's how you know you don't yell at your kids, guys, is when you do raise your voice and then they start crying because you yelled at them. That was actually a good moment for me, cause I'm like see, see, they don't know what yelling is like.

Speaker 2: 29:26

That's right, that's right Now, you know now you know.

Speaker 1: 29:29

Now you know it Because we don't yell at my house Like we just don't, and it's nice and it's calm and it's peaceful and yeah, and I it's very rare that I raise my voice and so, and growing up in a household where all you heard was screaming and yelling, it's very nice. And so I was like, okay, mission accomplished on that part, but then I just fucked up that. So now I need to. So I kept her going and we got onto the 405. It was scary for her. There was semi trucks everywhere and stuff like that. And she's freaking out. Now she's like why'd you do this to me? And I'm like I didn't, I just hit go. I'm sorry, but let's just get through it. So we got through it. She made it all the way to six wags.

Speaker 2: 30:04

Love it.

Speaker 1: 30:05

Still crying in the parking lot. I gave her a big hug and I told her I was sorry. It's totally my fault. I didn't mean to yell at her or send her in that direction, but you did it. Yes, you did it. And how do you feel? She's like she was stressed out, she was mad.

Speaker 1: 30:19

We feel like a good hour and a half and then she kind of calmed down, yeah. So all that being said is we're still driving, we're learning, and my stress got the best of me in that moment and it was not a beautiful moment and I deeply apologized to my daughter, and not justifying why I yelled at her, but just saying you know what? I was wrong. I shouldn't have yelled at you, I shouldn't have grabbed the steering wheel Y'all make mistakes though.

Speaker 1: 30:45

Yeah, exactly, and that was. That was despite the reason for it. Yes, I still put her through that trauma and I was like, look, I did totally not, yep what happened to happen. And it was me being fearful too. So I'm sorry.

Speaker 2: 31:01

And so it just apologized to your kids, guys, because, oh my God, I love the modeling though, and so when we decided we were going to chat about this today, when we realized we were going through this together, I wrote down like three or four things that I'm like to walk away with, and one is patience. Right, that that. But. But the example you just gave us, jane, it gives, shows better light on that, because it's not just going in with the intention of being patient, but also being patient in the wake of fear. Right, like fear is a, fear is a really, you know, evolutionary emotion, right, and it's built into us for survival purposes, and so. And so you reacted on instinct, right and so, but, but knowing that it's going to take a great deal of patience, so, so Cam just got her learners, literally the week after winter break started. So, as soon as she had made the appointment, all the things, yeah, so she just got it. So, so I take her to DMV. She does all the things, she gets her permit, it's all good. And she's like she was so funny because we're waiting in line, dmv. And she's like so you want me to drive home? And I was. I started laughing. I was like do you want to drive home? And she's like no, I was like we're going to start some parking lots, girl, Right. Like we're going to start small. So start small is the second piece of advice I have for you Start small, start in places where you know they're going to experience success, right. So you set them up for success. And so you know we did right, we started.

Speaker 2: 32:25

And what I loved about Cam and although I think it's already waning and I think it's too early, but she has a healthy dose of fear, right, which is good. She has a little bit of fear of your kids to be a little bit scared of driving, and she has a healthy dose of us. But even after just the first few drives, I could see her being a little bit more cavalier and I was like, girl, like you got it, you should still be scared right now, but the funny thing about her is so our current vehicle situation is that we have two Teslas and we're leasing both of them and they're both new leases. We made those decisions for a lot of reasons, and most of which has to do with economics in terms of gas the price of gas here, by the way, it occurred to me when Jane was listening off all of our freeways. For those of you who don't live in California right, like the 405 or the 5 or the 110, those are all like the Beltway around DC or whatever your biggest highways are near you.

Speaker 2: 33:12

That's the comparison A young, sure yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2: 33:18

So she, but so we really quickly went from parking lots to. I took her on base because bases are really safe place to be on a street, but it's a very protected street. So she, over the first course of the first week, went right from parking lots to that, being able to drive on those streets. We had our first drive from point A to point B on the regular roads, right, and it literally was just we were. What did?

Speaker 2: 33:42

I was picking her up from work and it was nighttime, so it was her first nighttime drive and I stopped in the local high school parking lot, let her tool around a little bit and then said all right, drive home and it's like two miles, so it's very you know, it's in a community, it's not crazy. So she did and she got behind the wheel and she went and, like you said, like I'm actually really good about masking the stress and so being able to sit in the other seat and go, okay, so you're going to slow down, you're going to have to slow down. Okay, take your foot off the gas, right, take your. And, by the way, I mentioned the Teslas because the older children are the ones who are all balking and going.

Speaker 2: 34:15

Are you kidding me? She gets to learn to drive in a Tesla. Do you know what? I got to it? So it was very funny for the whole winter break with all the kids home. But it is a different kind of driving. And so she asked but the good thing is she's driving with her mom too, so she's going back and forth, but anyway. So we're nighttime, we're driving, it's like 9.30, 10 o'clock and she does pretty well like again. You know having to say like okay, take your foot off the gas. Like when I say slow down, that means stop accelerating, right, and like that's what that means. But we only had one part, and it was a part where there's a relatively new roundabout.

Speaker 2: 34:47

You know exchange which by the way, nobody in my fucking community knows how to drive through because everybody barrels into it versus yielding. And so if you're in my community, I love you freaking yield at the roundabout Anywho. So we're going into it and I'm teaching her to yield, Like, if you're not in the roundabout then you have to yield, right. You don't just go into the middle of traffic and she does that. But then she starts to go in and you know, if you've driven in a roundabout, they are tricky. The first time you do them right, Cause you have to like. This is a pretty small one, so there's not a lot of space, it's one lane. And she, you know she's going and she almost hits the curb right, Like in the middle, like the barrier in the middle, and she gets around it and we finally pull into our driveway and she parks. And as soon as she parks, I'm like, and I looked at her and I said how are you? And she was like, she took her hands off the wheel and she was like oh my God, oh my God. So she too was doing a good job of masking, Like, the stress she was feeling as a result of that. But so, overall, so far so good.

Speaker 2: 35:47

The only struggle that and I think it's common for new drivers is you know that space like curves and stuff where, like you can't it's a leash. You can't fucking scrape up the like you said. It's my only car, it's a leash, Scrape up the wheels and so anyway. But yeah, she's been with her mom for the last week, so driving with her mom as well and doing a lot more of it, so she's had a lot more practice on surface streets and stuff like that. So as far as I know, she hasn't been on a highway yet. We get her back this evening so I'll find out if she's been on one of the. But honestly, I kind of am glad it worked out that way with Chase, Like you said. Now she knows she can do it, because the first time is freaking terrifying.

Speaker 1: 36:25

And especially, you know, like one of the major freeways. Like that, like you, you have to, and here in California you have to drive defensively and offensively at the same time, at all times. Exactly, you never know, and it's just like so.

Speaker 2: 36:40

here's the other time where I yelled at her Uh-oh, there's been more than one, everyone in case you're camera the first time.

Speaker 1: 36:48

Well, this one, this one we laugh at a lot because I was like are you freaking, kidding me? So we're going to go pick up. So I have like an adoptive daughter. Her name is Emma. That's one of Chase's best friends. They've been friends since we moved here, so we've been here almost five years and this girl spends the night all the time. Like last night she sent me a text it's okay that Emma spends the night tonight, right? And I was like no, never. I was like why are you even asking me? Like I just want to make sure I'm like I appreciate you and love you. Okay, it's fine. So whenever she spends the night, it has to work at Starbucks down the road.

Speaker 1: 37:21

And then Jane is driving her to and from school, and her parents have done enough of that for me and stuff like that, so it's not a big deal, right. So she's like we got to go pick up Emma and I was like okay. So I was like well, she's like can I drive? I'm like sure, so we take the back roads. There's a little like a mile of a freeway you could take, or you could take a couple of miles in the back roads and you drive through the form lands and stuff, and so we did that. We get to Starbucks.

Speaker 1: 37:46

She's pulling into the driving spot and now, mind you, in front of it, in front of the parking spots, there's like this little berm of grass. Yeah, it goes down to the sidewalk. And then the street. Yeah, well, apparently in the spot that she parked in, excuse me, the grass had overgrown onto the curb, so it was almost like a little hill. Oh, okay, gotcha, she pulls in and then all of a sudden we're up, we're going up the hill and I'm like stop, stop, stop, and I she finally slams on the brakes. We are almost over the berm and into the sidewalk and I look at her and we're sitting there and I look at her and she's like what are you doing? She's like I thought I was hitting the brake. I'm like, well, obviously you weren't Could you please back up gently.

Speaker 1: 38:31

And so she backs up and I'm like, go get Emma. And I'm sitting out there and I'm like, oh my God, I almost had a freaking heart attack. I swear she was going to drive right into oncoming traffic. And I'm like, oh my God, and the car next to us. So I'm sitting there and I'm like calming my heart down and I get out of the car and the guy that was parked next to us they saw the whole thing he came out and he was like. He was like how was that? I'm like it was something and he goes. Well, at least you guys are okay. And I said you are 100% correct, sir, are okay, exactly. And I said my car. I was like, and she's not driving home. And he just started driving. I was like I think I need to take an anti-anxiety pill and just mellow out at home. And he just started laughing and he was there with his wife and the kids and they were just kind of chuckling it like scared the crap out of me.

Speaker 1: 39:21

But when she got back in the car, I was in the driver's seat and we just laughed about it. But I was just like these are the things. You think it's so easy until people cut you off or honk at you because you're going too slow, or swerve into you or the motorcycle or a bicyclist Yesterday we ran into it. Didn't run into him, but we had an experience with a bicyclist. She's like, oh God, and I'm like, okay, just slow down, let him pass you and then you can go around him to get into the right lane. She's like, okay, and I told her I was like these are the moments why they need you to practice with a license, because these are the things that will happen when you're by yourself and you need to know what to do. So different intersections we had some intersections that were just blinking the red light Okay, now it's a four-way stop.

Speaker 1: 40:05

So we've actually run into a lot of good scenarios in order to learn, and so it's been a really great experience in that way. And I don't yell and you know like the only time I raise my voice are those two times but otherwise I'm like, could you stop hitting the brakes so hard and giving us whips? So she's got a lot better at easily slowing into stops and stopping a little bit sooner, and so it's all been really positive and good. This has been a couple of like scary moments, but for the most part she's doing awesome and the fact that she is so good at taking feedback. She's coachable oh my God, she's coachable as fuck and I love that because I always have to work with them as coaching them for the last 10 years. So it works. And I gotta tell you, if I wasn't a coach you guys, and I was just the normal mom I used to be I wouldn't be teaching my daughter how to drive.

Speaker 2: 40:56

Well, it's funny you say that, because I actually have some friends who, like you know, were required. I think they're required that, like you have to pay a company, they have to take like two to three hours Like three to four hours, whatever it is for.

Speaker 1: 41:06

But they're under a 17,. You have to have a driving school.

Speaker 2: 41:09

Right. So Cam's gonna have to do that and that's a good thing, right, Cause I think her having an adult who's not her parent is also a good part of the driving process. But, to your point, like, I have friends who they have, like, paid a lot of money for those schools to do all the driving because they know they recognize in themselves and they have the means right, but they recognize in themselves an inability to do it in a way that's actually gonna be helpful. But I said that to Cam after the first or second drive. I was like you're very coachable and that's a good thing because you're able to, I can speak in a calm voice and know you hear me versus, I mean, my experience was a lot of yelling right, which, by the way, that's kind of on the list of what not to do right, Like yelling at your kid.

Speaker 2: 41:53

It's a simple thing, right, when you think about how complex driving is, like you just said, Jane, and the fact that you know your kid has a multiple ton vehicle right Under their control, and so it's terrifying because they can cause a lot of damage, just like we can as experienced drivers. But is this idea that, if you wouldn't want it done to you while you're driving. You cannot do it to them while they're learning to drive right, Like it's the worst, right you have to. And if you're not in a space where you can have the be able to say the things calmly and be able to say them in a conversational way and not be an a-hole, then you probably shouldn't be driving with your kid Like it's okay, right, but just recognize that in yourself. Yeah, and that's okay, Exactly.

Speaker 1: 42:35

If you have a friend to help them or somebody that has a little bit better of a demeanor or whatever, because I was, you know, at first she was learning how to drive with my ex-wife and in a stick shift, so that was a whole different situation, and so the fact that I have now an automatic it makes it a lot easier, a lot more accessible. But it's all those little nuances that we take for granted because we've been driving for so long and we know every pothole in the road on the way to work and all of those things. So it was nice to be able to give her some of those hints Like get in the right lane, because that lane, oh yeah, there's the giant pothole, so you know. And just teaching them like, look, you'll learn these things over time, you know, and we'll get more comfortable and you'll get a lot smoother with everything, but for right now you need to learn all the safety and all the. You know everything else, so right now I don't care that you're driving slower than everybody else.

Speaker 1: 43:27

You know, don't like you have to go 80 miles per hour because everybody else is so, but it's been an experience. This is the first child that I've taught how to drive or been with while they're practicing driving, and so it's been a big test for me as a parent as well, and I have to say, despite the two moments of sheer panic, I'm pretty proud of myself for doing this and for raising a child that is so adaptable to different things and trust me as a parent to help them. You know I totally got the blame about the 405.

Speaker 2: 44:07

Well, obviously that's what you said, Like you know what?

Speaker 1: 44:09

It's totally my fault. I just take those and I didn't look at the directions.

Speaker 2: 44:13

Well you, have to be willing to take the responsibility too, and that's we're constantly modeling that. We say that all the time. So big takeaways, then, from teaching your child to drive, whether that's gonna be next year or next month or five years from now. Patience, right. You gotta both have the patience for yourself and give yourself some grace, and the patience for them. Give them some grace. Start small right, like don't jump into big, challenging things, but just start them off in small places where you both feel comfortable. And even if they're pushing to go faster into other scenarios, you have to be comfortable too, because you want to be a good coach and you can't be a good coach if you're being pressured, and a couple of other things we didn't touch on, and then I'll turn it to you for final thoughts, jane. One is agree on expectations ahead of time about when they'll drive, how frequently they'll drive, because they're gonna wanna drive all the time and they're gonna be times where you just need to drive, and remember that when you're the driver, you can also be coaching them around driving. You don't have to save all that for when they're in the driver seat, but agree on expectations and then go ahead and start looking ahead to what's gonna happen when they get their license. Because, just like we did when we were that age, there's a thought in their head that as soon as they have the license, it's a free for all. Right, I have control, I can do what I want, I have all the things. But going ahead now, before they even get there, and setting those expectations around what isn't gonna happen. What I love about California in a lot of states now is that they already have some lines in the sand not as much for Chase, because she's already 18, but for Cam, who's 16 and will be turning 17 when she gets her license about who they can have in the car in the beginning and all that. So they already have some built-in stuff around, transitioning slowly for stuff that can be considered distractions, like friends in the car and stuff like that.

Speaker 2: 45:54

But for us too, it's about like okay, we will start to tie your vehicle as a motivator to other things. Right, Like I used to, as a high school principal, tell parents you should always have the rule that Cs equal no keys, right? Your kid is not demonstrating enough responsibility to drive a multiple ton vehicle around other people if they're not responsible enough to do what they need to do at school, right? That's just one example, but what are some of the expectations and the agreed upon future guidelines that you all are gonna kind of come up with? Now is the time to start drafting those right, like either mentally with each other out loud, or in writing, so that when it's time to actually hand them the keys to drive for the first time by themselves. This is an all a surprise, right? You have plenty of time right now to be building up to that. So those are some of my things. What are your final thoughts about it?

Speaker 1: 46:42

My final thoughts on it is is it's just like you know I think back to my life, coaching and stuff like that and desire doesn't always equal commitment and the desire to do something can be very strong, but if you're not committed to the responsibility of it and the full fledged aspect of all of it, then the answer is no. And mind you, my daughter's 18, but I could also tell her no, you're not practicing in my car.

Speaker 2: 47:11

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 47:12

However, that leaves her open to practicing with her friends and her other friends' parents and stuff like that, and I don't trust that those are gonna be the best scenarios. So, having a plan, learn from my mistake or my poor choice I shouldn't say a mistake because we don't make mistakes my poor choice of just hitting go on the Google thing for her to use a map and just get her experience with that. You know, have a plan, take a look at it. Maybe you know, maybe that's not the best route to take, but we made it through it. The other thing is, with the desire aspect and tying it to expectations is, if your child is younger than 18 and they're learning how to drive and everything else, just like the C's equals no keys is whatever you have set up for your child to accomplish or get done before they get this privilege and then set that up, but then also how to maintain it and keep it. You know there's kids out there that desire to have an iPhone at the age of 10, but they're also not brushing their teeth on their own and they will never clean their room and all those things. You don't give the iPhone to those kids, exactly. Okay, you want this. This is what I want Exactly. It's a mutual agreement that if you do these things, then you can get this, and if you maintain these things, you can maintain that. And there's still gonna be regulations, there's still gonna be times that you can and can't drive or use your phone or whatever it is, you know, and as long as you're following those, we're all gravy, exactly.

Speaker 1: 48:47

So that's something I learned a long time ago is really setting up mutually agreed upon goals, yep, and you have to make sure that we both have you know, both parties have a good understanding of that and you hold yourself as accountable to that. You know, my daughter held me accountable to yelling at her. I don't yell at my kids and when that happened she's like you yelled at me and I'm like you know what I did and I apologize. I should have never done that and that was because I was scared, but that's not the excuse and I apologize. It did not mean to traumatize you, right, you know? And if I never said that and I just said, well, you were doing this and she probably still wouldn't be talking to me, but it was an hour later and she was fine, exactly, I worked through it.

Speaker 1: 49:28

So I think about that, the longevity of our relationship too because the soon as you get comfortable and start acting a fool in any relationship now, it's unsettled, exactly so you always have to really think about how am I showing up and how am I maintaining this relationship with this person despite what we're going through, and how can I come out at the end still maintaining that relationship and growing it at the same time? And that's what these lessons that we've been through the last couple of weeks have really helped with. And that's what I would say is just have very healthy, clear expectations, have mutually agreed upon goals and then work towards them and have each other have ways to hold each other accountable.

Speaker 2: 50:09

Yeah, I love it. All right, you guys. So there's going to be more of that, right? That's what we're here to do all year long, and so, as we wrap up our first recorded episode of the new year, again be sure that you are liking subscribing all the things If you've not checked us out on YouTube. We look amazing all the time, so you should definitely check out. Totally check out Exactly and, yeah, we're looking forward to another incredible year with you guys and maybe a couple more people too. Yeah, just a couple yeah.

Speaker 1: 50:44

All right.

Speaker 2: 50:45

You guys are amazing. Peace, thanks Bye.