Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Summer Parenting Chronicles: Navigating Teen Boundaries, Relationship Hurdles, and Growth Opportunities
Can managing teenagers during summer break really be a joyful experience? We kick off the summer (after a brief hiatus) of "Dumpster Diving with Janice and Jane" by sharing the pandemonium and side-splitting moments of having our kids home for the summer. From setting boundaries to keeping them entertained, and juggling work and relationships, we recount our personal stories and challenges. Whether you have high schoolers or college-goers, you'll relate to the trials and triumphs of balancing a bustling household.
Could summer jobs and volunteering be the key to teaching life skills and fostering independence in teens? We dive into the practicalities of keeping teens engaged with meaningful activities, from summer jobs to creative volunteering opportunities. Financial boundaries and the complexities of parenting rules around driving and alcohol are tackled head-on, emphasizing the importance of clear, consistent communication and responsible behavior. Tune in for a candid, humorous, and insightful discussion on the evolving nature of parenting across different age groups, and learn how to foster trust and accountability in your family.
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And reach out with your story at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com
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you're listening to dumpster diving with anis and jane okay, I said it twice.
Speaker 2:Don't look at me like that there was nothing coming out of my speakers okay, and I'm only reiterating that because the people watching on youtube are gonna be like wow, why did jane look at her like that? So I had to like make sure everybody else understands.
Speaker 1:Well, no, because they won't hear your voice.
Speaker 2:Well, it doesn't matter, it's irrelevant.
Speaker 1:I'm right, you're wrong Moving on, you know what. How about you go sit over there and sip your tea? You know what?
Speaker 2:I'm calling older sister rights and I'm right and you're wrong. Moving on, okay, hey, hi, it's been a minute. We're going to post this and people are going to be like where the F have you been?
Speaker 1:Well, that's a great question. And boy have we been places. We've been busy.
Speaker 2:You've been busy. We're going to pretend. Let's all pretend Everybody, five listeners, are you listening? We're going to all pretend that we took an intentional break before kicking off the summer season of dumpster diving. We sure did. You know what?
Speaker 1:we were doing. We were spending time with our children. Yes, we were feeding homeless people and all of the board's work. We really weren't. We were stressed out working and everything else and it was an unintentional, shitty ass break and I'm so sorry you guys.
Speaker 2:I know, I know I am sorry to our five listeners.
Speaker 1:I'm not sorry, rose Rose.
Speaker 2:Rose, we're sorry.
Speaker 1:We are so sorry because your Saturday cleaning has not been the same.
Speaker 2:It's true, it's true. So, anyway, but now we're going to jump right in and you know we have all kinds of fun things to talk about and you know, catching up, and I think maybe it'll like all kind of blend together, right, the catching up and the things, and does that make sense?
Speaker 1:It's going to totally make sense, because it's summertime, guys, and you know what that means. Our kids are home if they're school aged.
Speaker 2:That's right, everybody feels it. Everybody feels it.
Speaker 1:The videos and the reels on Instagram are hilarious right now, so freaking funny, hilarious, and I just you know, I know that everybody's been talking about it over and over and you hear the song like 5 billion times a day, but I can't talk about how much I love Kendrick Lamar's Ain't Like Us and so it's a big deal and all the things, and I eat up every second of everything that I see online and it's everywhere.
Speaker 2:Oh, my God.
Speaker 1:Hilarious, it's everywhere and it's so good. It's so good so I just that's my summer 2024. It's the ain't like us summer. That's what it is.
Speaker 2:All right, I love it.
Speaker 1:I love it. I'm loving it.
Speaker 2:And we're we're full on now, like it's July, so everybody's out of school, like from the end of May to the end of June. Some people are still in school, some people are out of school. Like you said, everybody's out of school. The kids are at home.
Speaker 2:So a focus of our conversation today is going to be around, like teen summer, right, like having your kids home for the summer at different phases, right, because you and I have I have one, our youngest, going into senior year. You have one going into high school for the first time. You have one going, obviously, into her second year of college, but she's home, so you have a young adult living with you. And so what are all the things? Right? Everything from you know ways for them to be spending their time this summer to how you're, like you know, setting boundaries, different based on different ages, and how you're following through and all this stuff. So, yeah, that's basically what we're going to talk about, cause I know that everybody's in the midst of it and hopefully some people have a really great kind of well thought out plan For some of you.
Speaker 2:For some of you, that plan has already imploded and so that didn't work out well for you, right, and for some of you, we can recover, we can recover, we can recover Exactly. It'll be a recovery episode. And for some of you, like, it's just completely incoherent and all it's off the rails. And for some of you, things are just kind of going and your kids like sleeping, you know, till two o'clock every day and even though they're not doing anything terrible, that's driving you insane, right. So, like, no matter what category you're in, um, this episode is going to be helpful for you? I think yeah.
Speaker 1:And and I feel like this summer so far for me personally has been chaotic, but not so much for my kids, but just for me, because you know we have so much going on at work and events and different things, and so I'm in LA a lot, so much going on at work and events and different things, and so I'm in LA a lot, and so for me, like summer is always, hard for me because I do work so far away from home.
Speaker 1:I'm not at home as much that's right Kids are, you know. And so I got that mom guilt going on, like, okay, like I got to spend the night down here Cause I have something early the next morning, and you know I'm dating too, and so I'm trying to get some me time in and, you know, spend time with you know, a potential whatever More than friend. More than friend? Yeah, mate, I don't know we're not calling them a mate. No, you won't be mating.
Speaker 1:No, well, I can't. Hmm, let me think about a name. So a friend, a friend a friend, there you go.
Speaker 2:No, that's creepy, nevermind, I take that back. All right, now we're going to be special friend no no, no, we're not saying.
Speaker 1:No, I don't know, we're not even talking to the kids about it.
Speaker 2:How about that?
Speaker 1:even better. I'm doing my thing, okay. So, um, you know, so trying to spend time with you know somebody that I met and super cool, you know, and so trying to balance everything, yeah and be all the things for everyone is a lot and and actually a little breakdown about it yesterday.
Speaker 2:Did you? Yeah, all right, everyone, we're going to pause this week's episode for a therapy session with Jane, and no.
Speaker 1:I really don't need a therapy session because I was talking to Lindsay about it and stuff like that.
Speaker 2:But nevermind, jane was talking to her best friend because her sister's not good enough. But that's okay. That's again different episode. I mean different episode. I knew I'd be talking to you today. I needed you yesterday, but I figured you were busy. Um, you didn't reach out.
Speaker 1:I'm just putting that out there. So that's okay, that's all right. Don't be jealous, my friend.
Speaker 2:I've known you longer and she's a good stand-in so is.
Speaker 1:He is an amazing stand-in and she puts up a 12 year old angsty ass when I well, you know what, and we haven't even.
Speaker 2:We haven't even posted lindy's episode. I think we're gonna hold it, oh my god you have it, that's okay, because we're gonna hold it until she's coming here, and then that way.
Speaker 1:And we can take pictures and we can do all the things and we should probably record.
Speaker 2:We will probably record another episode because I'm thinking it's gonna be a fireside chat episode right, all right, y'all had a breakdown, but you're okay.
Speaker 1:Now you're better, oh yeah, I'm fine. I'm fine and it was. You know, it's like it's. It's that whole thing that we've talked about before, where, you know, certain things trigger you and you revert back to that first time. You know and and I am very like in in my current age and mindset and everything I'm I gotta tell you I'm really feeling myself. I'm really like I'm, I'm in that like you can't tell me I'm having a bad hair day, fuck you Like I, you know I'm, I'm really feeling myself and so, and so when, when you know you get like an inkling of whatever or something, you know like something is off, you're just like what happened? You know, it's like I haven't felt that in a long time, in a very long time, and so I was just like oh, you know I don't like this, but you know I was talking to her about it and I think it's really.
Speaker 1:You know I narrowed it down yesterday and it's that whole aspect of having something that you, you know, really enjoy, or an energy or a feeling or whatever, and then it's like pulled out from underneath you and that triggers other behaviors you know like, where you kind of just like, okay, scale back a minute. I need to watch now. I have to be on the, on the guard, you know, and stuff like that. And it's like it so naturally happens. And I had that happen recently and I was just like it's. It's so weird.
Speaker 1:You know, I talked to the person about it and they're like well, why didn't you say anything at the time? And I was like you don't understand it's, it's survival mode. Yeah, it's like it in my brain that switch flips and I'm not I'm not outwardly different, but my mindset is like whoop, like it's totally different, totally opposite of what was just going on. And now I'm just planning my escape. That's what I'm doing, and so I'm going to adjust and adapt and do all the things I need to do to get the fuck out of here. And they were like okay, that makes sense.
Speaker 1:And I was like what you don't know about me? And my trauma is like there's been four times in my life where I was like okay, this is where I die, yeah, this is it. And so any inkling towards any type of like I need to be on guard or anything. And it wasn't anything traumatic, it was just like behavior. It was just like like it went right back. I was talking to Lindsay about it. I said I really hate that. I do that because I feel like um, but it's like so instinctual. I was frustrated with myself because I'm like I don't and I and I don't shut down, but I'm just like at this point, like the wall is here and I'm looking like Wilson from tool time like how do you go, neighbor?
Speaker 1:You know, like see this, but that's about it, you know. And so it's interesting and it really like brought up some stuff and it was just so simple, but learning that about myself and like really narrowing it down and stuff, like that was really cool.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, my uh and you, you're like you can see everything only from here up, you know, in the fence image, which I love and what. What popped into my head is the whole iceberg analogy, right, like you're seeing just a teeny, tiny little part of me. And and I also like I think women everywhere are going to relate to this like switch flipping thing, because I and I don't know that it's uniquely female, but because I can't be in a man's brain, I, I can't say that so, but I know, for many women, right, that's the thing, like we will go and go and go and go and then, and then be done, yep, and that's what it switches. There are flips, that's it.
Speaker 2:Right, like I'm going back to that.
Speaker 1:And it's recovery mode now, cause, if you really want to, if you, if you truly aren't like that, but you know maybe what have circumstance, environment, climate, whatever the hell yeah, and you want aren't like that, but you know maybe what a circumstance, environment, climate, whatever the hell yeah, and you want to prove to that like really take it to heart. You know, and this person that I was talking to really took it to heart and was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry, blah, blah, blah. Not the right person for me, you know, but I appreciate the fact that they were like I am so sorry and yeah, that I made you feel that way. I'm like you didn't make that way.
Speaker 1:It's my own shit, you know, I own that, but that's, that's what's going on here and I needed to really process it before I could even talk about it because I was going on and so that's a big thing too is like you know, saving arguments, you know, and and not, and not freaking the fuck out, but like okay. So I I'm, I'm very proud of myself for being like okay, cool, I know what's going on, I'm going to keep you know, whatever, but but also being able to not brush it off and actually tell them what happened. You know, something that I would have totally brushed off and not even like you know, like whatever, but this person's a really good person and they want to. You know, they wanted my time, you know, and I'm just like you're cool, but this was this freaked me out, you know, and so but just being able to talk to them about that and stuff, still not the right person for me, but very good person, you know.
Speaker 2:And I'm like you are a great person to have in my life and to talk to, understanding and stuff.
Speaker 2:But you know it's just not there and that's okay. But you're making me think of one more thing and then we'll shift back to um, you know we'll shift and move forward with the topic, but um, it's that. You know, I learned from you know my first marriage that one of the things I had to own from that is that, um, a behavior that I had that wasn't fair and certainly contributed to where we ended up, is that um, that kind of suck it up mentality like have a disagreement and I you know I'm not a yell or scream, I'm not going to do any of those things. That comes from my own stuff in the past and I'm just not going to. But I would take that to the extreme and just be like, well, I guess I'll have to deal with that, guess I'll have to live with it. I'll just have to live with it, but always in my own brain and never out loud. So I didn't give him a chance to because I made a lot of assumptions about.
Speaker 2:If I say it out loud, he's going to say this this is going to happen, and I would play it all out my brain and then be like what's? What's the point? There's no reason to waste that emotional energy. I'll just, I'll just deal with it. Yeah, um, and so that's one of the things that, coming into my second marriage, right, like you know, joe and I, as you can imagine, early on had lots of conversations about what we you know what worked in previous relationships, what didn't work, and things that we owned, that we knew we would have to be different about, right, and that was one of them. And and I, it took me a while, like because even early on in our relationship, I found myself myself going well, I guess, and then it was like nope, that's not, that's not okay, say it out loud. How do we say it in a way that's calm, you know, and lots of times the it's coming back to it later right weren't listened to and you don't have an argument.
Speaker 1:So there's no point in arguing, because then you're going to get hit or something else, and whatever.
Speaker 1:So, to avoid all of that BS, we just suck it up and that goes to like my whole like nope, I'm done. Like that switch hits, you know, and before I just would have been like I'm not even talking to them about it, but you know what? Like I need to change that about myself and let them be aware. So dating so I'm like a little dating app. So talking to other, talking to people and like dating and talk, having those conversations has really helped me with my realizing when I need to say something. So I I've been like direct and blah, blah, blah. Like I'm not going on billions of dates or anything like that, but there's a lot of people talking to me so I'm like I'll talk to you for a minute and just say hi, whatever. So, anyways, it's been a lot of. It's been very interesting and a learning experience for me on certain things that trigger me and just being able to talk about it and say something. So I've been practicing that a lot. It's been, I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 2:Oh look, you gave yourself a thumbs up. Nice job, nice job, well done, All right.
Speaker 1:So shall we talk about teens and summers and all the fun things. Yeah, not the middle-aged dating mother drama.
Speaker 2:I think that a lot of our audience appreciated that. So you know.
Speaker 1:I think they do, and I'm I'm hopeful that I'll be telling some juicy stories soon, so I love it Okay, so an episode that's going to be fun. Okay, I like it, I like it a lot. An opportunity to to meet. All right, all right, all right.
Speaker 2:The upcoming weeks like teaser has been laid down.
Speaker 2:Everyone the teaser foundation has been laid, so let's talk about our kids so, um, I were, I was hearkening back through some of my own like social media stuff, because I have really put the parenting stuff I do on social media and stuff on hold because of all the things. It's just so much and I'm trying to do a few things well, versus a lot of things, um and and so. But I was going back through because I want to repost some of the stuff that I posted last year this time because I know that you know, as as as we're like getting into the heat of the summer, so to speak, quite literally right now, like I said, your kids are at all different kinds of spectrums. Right, we have kids going into senior year, kids going into high school, kids who are already in college, but they live at home. So how do you like manage all of that? And I know that some of the things in terms of your high school or right, some of the qualms becomes about like, okay, my kids waking up at one or two in the afternoon every single day. They're not doing really anything, right, except going out with their friends, which isn't a bad thing, cause our kids need that break after, after a year of school. But how do I like, how do I ensure they spend their time productively? Right, like because there's there's the rat race of they're going to graduate in a year, two years, like how should they be spending their summer in order to make progress toward that? Whatever's going to come next, whatever their goal is right, two year, four year, go right into the military, whatever it is like. How do they hone some skills?
Speaker 2:And so, yeah, part one for me is about that, right, like, how are we thinking about our teens time over the summer? So I'm thinking that I'll talk a little bit about that older teen in terms of going into junior senior year, and you can maybe talk a little. Have to give our kids a break, right, it has to be okay for them to sleep late some days. It has to be okay with them to spend some days, all day with their friends, because, again, they've been doing the work of school, which we've been telling them since they were kindergarten, is their job all year long, right? So giving them that time, I think, is really important. Table. That way you can react to them. And then I'm sure you're going to add to them are, if your kid is old enough, right, getting a job, and I am a big proponent of getting the job. The earlier the better. I know that comes because we've talked about this.
Speaker 2:I think I had my first off the books job when I was like 12. Right, like a job that wasn't babysitting, which I did obviously as well right, but at a local company like a. It was like a landscaping company, right, my mom worked there and so I would go in and like water, the plants and stuff and I would get paid to do that. So, getting a job and I know there are some people who are of the school thought, no, they're only going to be kids once. I don't disagree with that, but I do know that they're only going to be kids once but there are skills that they have to learn to be really high functioning adults right out of the gate, so that they're not living in your basement until they're 30. Right, and some of those skills are the skills that you can't teach them at home, that they need an authentic experience around and a job can do that for them. Right, so it can be any kind of a job, but and I know it's a scary idea them getting a job.
Speaker 2:But I'm gonna use our 16, well, 17 as of today, 17 year old as an example, because she's had a job for a year and so here in the state of California where we live, 16 is the E like. You can get a job at 15 with a worker's working permit or whatever, but she got her first job actually right before she turned 16 last summer. And the skills that she has learned she's a greeter at a restaurant here the skills that she has learned, there are skills she cannot learn at school, she cannot learn at home and, frankly, we could probably teach them but it would be a battle. So why not let people in a professional setting teach them? Right? And I will say the biggest skill she has learned is how to deal with fucking asshole people. Right, because she as a greeter. She gets everything from people who are super kind and super nice to people who are the biggest assholes you can imagine, and she has learned to deal with that as a result. Right? So that's my first thing is get a job Totally.
Speaker 1:And I and I'm going to echo all of that because I mean I remember my very first like real job I was 10. I was 10 working at a little like my my parents like every Friday night we would, you know, when my dad got paid, we would go and get like something. When we lived in California before and after that Never, I mean, we were eating in homeless kitchens and stuff, but yeah, when we lived in California we had a little bit of money. So Friday nights we would go get dinner together, then we'd go to the movie store and us kids would pick out a movie and then my parents would go behind the curtain and pick out their movie and then we would get ushered out to the 24 foot long travel trailer for the night and they would have their fun in the house. So that was our Friday nights. But there was this little pizza place that we would go to and it was called the Leaning Tower Pizza and it was a little Greek family and they just fell in love with us and they loved me. I was blonde, green eyes, you know, cute little girl, you know, and so they absolutely adored me and for whatever reason there we started hanging out there and then I started working in their kitchen and serving tables and, 10 years old, running the cash register. Yeah, and that taught me so much. But it also taught me like unconditional love and stuff like that. Like they didn't know us from adam, but they took me in as like one of their own and my mom was eager to let like get rid of us all the time. She was like, oh well, there you go see you in two days, you know, but um little, a little sidetrack, but it's. It's funny how it ties in.
Speaker 1:Um long story short, somebody close to that lives in oxnard or ventura, has some birds and he needed some help with training and we connected on Facebook. We were talking it was through the dating app, but we connected on birds. I was like, oh, there's not many people. So we started talking and he was telling me about his birds. And then we just started talking on the phone and he's having trouble with one of his cockatoos and I was like, well, I have a lot of experience with exotic birds and stuff like that. You know, I'd be happy to help you, so I go over there. And I just he was like amazed at what I could do with this bird.
Speaker 1:You know, I was doing all the birds nails, I was teaching them how to do like all the things, and it really got me thinking and I was like you know, and then he's like text me the next day. I really need your help. She's still not coming out to me, but she was amazing with you, she loves you. You know, like, can you please help me? And I'm like, yeah, sure, I'm like you know, like, like you said, like our jobs are so crazy right now and everything else and and like everything else that we're doing is kind of like how you know, how do we handle it. And it really dawned on me. I'm like I need something that I don't need my brain for natural.
Speaker 1:And I learned those skills from my mom, yeah, cause we were exposed to so many animals. We always had exotic birds, we always had. And then we had the little hobby farm and I was in 4-H and it's the skill how to nurse animals back to life. We have two kittens that Jenny and I have nursed back to life and all of that stuff. And I'm going to take her with me.
Speaker 1:I signed up for rovercom and I'm going to start doing that and I and I'm going to start doing our ends, and it brings so much joy to me to do that kind of stuff. And then I'm like, bring her along. She loves it, yeah, and it teaches her that skill too. And this is all that I learned from my mom during this five-year period where she was like human and and we got to have animals and all that stuff. So I just like it dawned on me I'm like that what a great way to spend some time, like doing it overnight in a house in Malibu, um, to watch a dog please okay okay for you, but you know what I mean.
Speaker 1:Like I love that, yeah, and for a long.
Speaker 2:Like she's gonna love the shit out of that and she's gonna learn so much too well, and as a reminder to folks who don't remember or aren't tracking, jenny's your rising ninth grader. So she's, she's in that age where where, okay, she's too young to get a job, job but you as the parent can bring along. And what I love about that Jane is like is that, you know, I think that oftentimes I'll speak for myself, right, you know, oftentimes we have this mentality of we don't want our kids' lives to be as hard as our lives, right, and I think it's really fascinating. I think, I think many, I think generations are different. I'm not even going to say many generations have that, but I think our generation has that to some extent, and the generation before it even, maybe. And yet here we are also like, constantly you hear this messaging that the current generation is the young generation, is, you know, is completely, you know, unable to navigate the world. You know, can't read a map, can't do all these things, for all the different reasons, all those things, by the way, generalizations, and all the things that every generation has said about the generation that comes after it. But my point in saying all that is, I catch myself and I'm paying attention to it more with our youngest, even though it's true of some of the older ones. But I catch myself doing things because I don't want to make you know oh, I can just do it. It'd be easier than asking her and then realizing, like you said, but so much of what I am and who I am now and the skills I have are because I had to do them early on, right, and so we're not actually doing our kids any favor by making their lives easier. Yes, it's nice to be able to like ensure they know they don't have to worry about a roof over their head, they know they don't have to worry about where their meal is coming from, etc. But outside of the basics, it's a good thing for them to. Even if they come along rolling their eyes, even if they come along reluctant, it's a good thing for them to come alongside us, right?
Speaker 2:Another quick story along those lines is we have a really great high school friend that we both had back in the day and we were in Virginia recently and we spent a couple of days with him and his youngest son, who is also going into ninth grade, and for a couple of years like years now, probably more than a couple his son comes along with them. He's like a landscaper, he works for a landscaping company, he's like a supervisor. So he goes from job to job, etc. And his son comes along beside him and because of it his son can take things apart and put things together. His son can do basic little construction projects around the house, et cetera, at 13, 14 years old that most kids would never be able to do. A, because some of their parents don't know how to do it, because they never had to do it. And B, even if their parents did, they don't bring them alongside them because they don't want to burden them right, they want their life to be easier. So so I think that's a great example of things that we can do for our kids during the summer or whenever. Right.
Speaker 2:And the other one I'll throw at that idea is volunteering. Right, like you know, if your kids too young to get a job, the example that Jane and I just gave aren't, you know, tangible for you. Then what are some volunteer things they can do this summer? Right. And volunteering can look like, you know, being a mother's helper for a neighbor. Right, it can be helping take care of an elderly neighbor. It can be something more organized with an organization or what have you right Again. Don't let the hurdle stop you. Don't let the whole like oh, it has to be the perfect volunteer thing get in the way of doing something, anything right.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it could be bringing down trash barrels for your neighbors. You know stuff like that.
Speaker 2:I just sent you a picture of.
Speaker 1:Jenny, yeah, she was trying to give the kittens medication and they kept scratching her. I'm like, well, you know, this is how you hold them. And she was like, oh my gosh, this is so much easier. And I was like no-transcript. And so bigger and two little Siamese cats. We always sing the little, we are Siamese, if you please, and they're so cute, you know.
Speaker 1:But it's teaching her how to care for an animal and that she doesn't need me to do it. You know, you know. And so she is like she's taking such good care of these cats. I love it. You never know. There's a litter box in her room you would never know like, and she plays with them and she gives them exercise. So it's teaching her how to care for somebody other than herself.
Speaker 1:That's what I love and like, just like I've said before, good old dr pole, you know like, I truly believe in that. So when I it dawned on me and I have all this experience and and with animals and exotic animals and stuff, I'm like, well, duh, why don't I just do that on the weekend? Get to go around and pet other animals, like you said, it brings you joy. Yes, it's so much fun and I'm so good with animals and so it's like my, my friend had us a pit bull. That's like very like, yeah, aggressive, yeah. And um, I met up with them and he's like, oh, I need to take my dog on a walk. I'm like, okay, the dog runs right up to me and starts licking me and he was like what? Like that's never, ever, ever, ever, ever happened. It was like, oh, it's your energy. I was like, oh, yeah, I have good pet, pet mom energy oh yeah, she was licking my face she was all over me and he was like never, I have no, this isn't so.
Speaker 1:Anyways, um, yeah, so I think that that's all of that.
Speaker 2:Those are so so those are some ways, right, that we can think about our older, you know kids our teenage, if you will, kids and how to help them sometime constructively. But I will say this, right, like if it's been a few weeks since school let out and or every summer before this your kids been able to do whatever the hell they want, whenever the hell they want it, and you see that perhaps they're, you know, not gaining any kind of skills and there's things that you feel like they could do that would be productive. You're not gonna just wake them up today and say I've changed the rules and I've made a different decision, right, but rather you're gonna start today, when you're listening to this episode, saying, okay, this has been on my mind and hell, refer them to the podcast episode or not, whatever, but and I want us to talk about how we're gonna think about the and then introduce the thinking, right, and then come to some agreement about what your teen might do and make sure you create space for their ideas. Right, your ideas are not always the best ideas and we think they are as parents, because we think we know what's best, but your kid actually formulating their own idea is also a really important part, right, and it doesn't have to be like don't turn it into a what do you want to be when you grow up? Now let's tie it to that kind of a thing, right?
Speaker 2:Lots of our kids have no idea what they want to be and that question freaks them the hell out because they don't know and they think they're supposed to know. They don't actually realize that most people their age don't know and that that's okay. But more of what are you interested in? And I think your example is a great one, jane, in terms of, like, what are some things you're interested in? What would make you happy? What would bring you joy? What would you know? What are some things you could do that would actually you would be happy about doing, not feeling like you had to do, right. And then in a later episode, we can talk about, like, especially the job piece. Right, because there have been so many things that come along with your kid having a job, especially before they're 18, in terms of how you help them think about money, how you help them organize right.
Speaker 2:And really quickly, I'll give you a little story. You know, when Kim got her job, just like her siblings before her, right, we started a savings account for her, a checking account for her. We set boundaries, we said every paycheck goes into savings and then we move over a certain amount right, she doesn't have control over that to spending. We could we agree on what that amount is going to be, etc. Um, because in her job she also gets tips. So it's like, technically, your tips are yours, like whatever you get, that's all yours. So, from your paycheck, what will you get? And you know all the things.
Speaker 2:Um, and, and the funny story is that her birthday is today, and so yesterday, friday, whatever it was two days ago she's. I have an idea for my birthday gift. And we were like, okay, let's hear it, great. And she said um, instead of you guys buying me a gift, I want to be able to spend a full paycheck, like, basically, go on a shopping spree. Um, and we were at first. We looked at each other and we were like, let's get this straight. We don't have to spend a dime, you just want permission to use your own money. We love this idea. So we said, how about this? Whatever we decide isn't going to be instead of cause, we're still going to give you a gift. So, period, next paragraph.
Speaker 2:And then we just came to an agreement about cause we knew it's summer, her paychecks are bigger. We're like you're not going to spend, you know, hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of dollars, but let's talk about what's real, especially because you know she wants to get a new phone, because her phone is beat all to hell. It's like let's talk about options. And then we just landed on a sum Right, and for her it was like oh, this is amazing, because it's like more than the usual. You know, she usually has like 50 bucks in her account for spending Right, spending right or whatever. But all of those things and we just said, listen, like we don't want.
Speaker 2:We know that for the last year, it has been us saying this is what has to happen, right, and that's going to continue into this year.
Speaker 2:However, we want you to start thinking about it in terms of, like, what's important to have happen so that you're set up next, next summer, going into whatever you're going to do, assuming you're going to some kind of college, so that you because you know she also just got her license, and that's a different conversation right, and so it's like you have to buy gas, all the things anyway. So those are some things that you can think about in terms of your kid and your teenage kid, especially for the summer. So now I'm thinking that it's a good time to talk about transitioning into like boundaries, right, because I know you went, I'm sure, with Chase, right Us obviously now with Cam, we've been through it with all the other kids, but, like now that they have a license, now that they and or they're just a little bit older, right, it's the whole how you set boundaries in terms of where they can go, what they can do when they. You know all the things. So what are some kind of lessons if you will learn from your experience with Chase?
Speaker 1:So with Chase chase it's different, you know, because she's 18, you know she's going on being 19 and in the relationship I have with her and and everything is like look, you're an adult, you know whatever you do, if you get into trouble, you're 100 responsible for yourself that's right so go, do what you're gonna do.
Speaker 1:Do, yeah. However, um, make good choices, because there's no mistakes. You're making choices out there and you're making adult choices, so keep that in mind and just communicate with me. That's it. I don't want to worry about you. I'm not a big worrier, but that's my kid, so I'm going to her, and so, um, and and and she, she's always been really good at communicating with me. I mean, I, I can't even go anywhere without her going. You said you were going to be here, but I see that your location's here. What are you doing? I'm in a work meeting.
Speaker 2:Ignore the word spa.
Speaker 1:Or whatever.
Speaker 2:I love it.
Speaker 1:You know, you guys having an adult, an adult child, in your house, that mama, get ready, get ready. And if you, you're single, get really ready. I don't know who's the mom now, um, at this point, no, so so I and we talk about everything. Like I have a very special relationship with my two youngest daughters because I realized the choices that I made with my two older ones, you know and, and you know, in certain situations and really have like, done my very, very best to to not make those choices again, you know, and stuff like that. So we have such a great relationship that we talked about everything.
Speaker 1:And I mean, obviously she's calling me out about not being where I said I was going to be and I'm like, look, get off my back. Yeah, um, so we communicate and she's so good at communicating like, hey, mom, I'm, you know, or, and it's even hey, mommy, I'm going to Sam's house and we're going to the movie, so I'm probably just going to spend the night. Okay, okay, you know, and she's telling me these things and she's gone to some parties and even had a dream and she stays there and she's being really good, and so I'm like, okay, cool, whatever, so with her, I don't worry about her. She's very focused on her schooling and work. She's been working her butt off, so more power to you, sister.
Speaker 1:Yeah, now Jenny, jenny's 13. I'm in LA three to four days a week, like she's home alone a lot right now, and so she's living her best life with her pets, her video games and her snacks like loving life right now. However, I need to get her out of the house more, so that's another reason for the little side hustle, and she wants to go to the gym, so it's actually getting me to like really be organized with my time.
Speaker 1:Nice, make sure that she's getting out too, because last year, you know, we had our brother here and his sister-in-law and two dogs, and so it was like a little bit easier for me to be away, but it's very much still on my mind. So, for me, as a single mom, making sure that I'm dividing my time evenly and and and being very intentional, like you know, yesterday I got invited to go do something after I was done. I was working yesterday for a little bit and uh, and I was like, no, I need to get home to my kid, aren't they 13? Blah, blah, blah. I go, yeah, but I've also told her I would be home at a certain time. Yeah, exactly that, and I'm not going to change it last minute. So, no, I'm not going to go do that, I'm going to go be with my kid, yeah.
Speaker 1:And so that's where me, as a parent, and maybe some of the other single parents out there will, you know, kind of listen to is like just be intentional with your kids and show them that you care, that it's not summertime for everybody, just all the fun things are happening and that they're still important. Just because they're not in school doesn't mean that they're not a priority in your schedule. That's a big thing. For her is like. She feels like she gets forgotten a lot, you know, and I'm like you're not forgotten, babe, Like you're just so quiet too, you know. So it's like you know, so it's like kind of forcing yourself on them and saying, okay, this is what we're going to do, and not give them as many choices and just say this is what we are doing you
Speaker 1:know. So with the bedtime thing, we actually had a conversation because she stayed up to four o'clock in the morning the other morning and I oh yeah, cause I was getting up and I still, I was like girl. So I said, you know, just like every summer and this is something that I've done for the last several summers with her Like you have your, you make your own schedule. I really don't care. Unless we have something going on, I go. But two weeks before school starts we're back on track. You know, we start, we start easing our way back into getting back into school sessions and sleep schedules and stuff like that.
Speaker 1:Right now I'm one of those moms that's just kind of like you do you, you know with. But they also have chores. Like the other day I'm like you haven't been in this living room for a week and it looks like you had a party in here, like it's time, and so they both got together and they both cleaned it up and I didn't have problems because I'm not constantly beating over their heads, I'm just like it's getting gross, let's go. So I'm kind of. I'm a lot more relaxed with stuff like that because it's not so serious. You know, to me, to me. Other people is different, but to me it's not so serious.
Speaker 2:Well, I think a couple of things I'll. I'll kind of double tap on. Right Is, um, a, like you said, you know, giving them a chance to organize their own time and see what happens. Right. And we actually, I think I want to.
Speaker 2:I guess it was this past school year, right Camps, junior year that we kind of finally said we're not going to tell you when to go to bed, but we are going to tell you that the moment you're not following through in school, then you're, because as a rising junior, right, we knew like in two years she's going to be doing this herself. So we can only dictate for so long, right. So here are the expectations, and if you know, if your grades aren't where we've come I've agreed that there'll be then we will come back to this conversation and we will say they're here, the time boundaries, right, or what have you. And she navigated the whole year right, without any issues at all. So mostly she was asleep by midnight, but every once in a while we heard her up after that, but it was kind of like okay, we said we're only going to intervene if her grades don't reflect what we agreed on, and that hasn't happened, so we're not going to jump out of bed right now and say it's 2 am, you need to go to bed, or whatever.
Speaker 2:It is Right so. So I think that you know I. So I want to double tap on that. And I'm going to double tap on the second part, where you talked about the chores piece, because a lot of us are working. A lot of us are working either remote or in person and and again I think that's a space where, you know, in the past sometimes it's like, oh, I used to hate it, my mom would leave, you know, to go to work in the summer and leave our list of things to do, and I just hated it. But again I realized it taught me so much, right.
Speaker 2:So you know, my lists from my childhood were probably overly exorbitant, right, but having a routine and saying listen here are the things you're going to be responsible for this week, while you're home all day and we're working, right, and maybe during the summer that's more than it is during the school year, right, that's perfectly OK Because, again, they need to learn how to clean their own bathroom, they need to learn how to help with communal areas in the house, because they contributed to them being dirty. They need to dot, dot, dot, right, so, um, so I'll double tap on that as well. And then the last part that I will share is like, in terms of, you know, it's a little bit related to summer, but it's also related to, like, how you know our kids, you know how we navigate the different phases of their lives, right, so our youngest just got her driver's license Um, so that happened this week. And also we just yesterday, she just had a big like pool party with like 20 kids, right For her birthday. So we were, she had the chance to do that. It's the first time we've done that since we lived in this house, lots of fun, et cetera.
Speaker 2:But in both instances, joe and I had to have this conversation where we realized, you know, it kind of sucks because all the other parents don't necessarily follow the rules and so, as a result, you get to be the parent who's the asshole. So then I just said, you and I chatted before we launched. I was like that's going to be the next book parent like an asshole, right, and it doesn't. And the misnomer is that it doesn't mean be a hard ass or being or literally be an asshole, but what it means is like follow the rules right, and what I mean by that? So the driving thing, right. So she gets home Tuesday, she's taking her driver's test and we're adding her to the insurance, because, with our kids, we pay for their insurance until they graduate.
Speaker 2:After that they're on their own. Her mom has a second car, so she's allowed to drive the second car. And so you know, immediately, we've already coordinated with mom, right, this is co-parenting in a divorce. That you know, we're in agreement. That you know, literally, on her little paper thing that she has until she gets her actual license, it says, by the way, reminder, in the state of California, your kid can't drive with anybody under the age of 25 until for a year from today, and they have to be. They cannot be driving on the road between 11 PM and 6 AM, or whatever it is like there's a curfew Right, um, and so we had to have that conversation right, like here's the here's how much money we're going to pay a month for you to be on insurance.
Speaker 2:Anything you do grades, um, get pulled over anything that increases the cost of that insurance because you weren't making good choices. Hey, fireworks, happy fourth of july everybody. Um, then then we have to regroup because we might not be able to pay for your insurance anymore if your insurance goes up because you made bad choices sorry, it doesn't want to. You don't get fireworks. That's the first time it's ever done for me.
Speaker 2:So my point in saying that is then we realized, holy shit, didn't two weeks ago she go with so-and-so, her friend who literally had just gotten her license, and we let her and didn't even think about it, like we weren't even thinking about it. No, and then, and I, and I just said to myself that kid literally has had her license for like a month, and she's not the only one, many of her friends like this is not unique to anybody, but it made us realize we're going to be the ones who enforce the rule right, because not only and we said to her, and now what we're realizing is not only can you not drive them, but you can't ride with them either, whether their parents say yes or no.
Speaker 2:We're not going to contribute to that right, and it's really tough because it puts so many cars if we're all going to go to the same place, why should we all spend our gas money to go to the same place? And the answer is because that's the rule right now, Right. And so I did look it up and if you get pulled over, like the first time, it's like 10 hours of community service but a point on your license. Second time is like 15 hours, but another point on your life. That's where the insurance comes in. So all that to say that that was one example.
Speaker 2:And then example two was kind of getting set up for the pool party, Right. And then example two was kind of getting set up for the pool party, Right, and and you know all the what's the food, what's all the things. And then of course we said and just go ahead and be upfront with people that there's not going to be any alcohol. Obviously we're not providing any. Nobody can bring it. There's like that's going to be a non-starter, not a problem at all, Fine, no big deal. And they spent four or five hours yesterday having a great time in the pool just being kids and throwing water, balloons and all kinds of fun stuff without it.
Speaker 2:But we know there are other homes they go to where the parents do the whole. Oh, I'd rather have them drink here than be on the road. And, honestly, whether you're taking my kids' keys or not is irrelevant In my mind. I think to myself who the fuck are you to decide that my kid can have alcohol because they're in your home? Like I, I will never understand that thinking, ever. But my point is, all of that is like my last piece for today's episode is parent like an asshole? Yeah, be the asshole who says and and again. None of it was contentious. We didn't have any arguments. It wasn't about being an asshole as in being mean. It would be an asshole as in look, the rules are the rules are the rules and these are the laws. And we're actually expected to abide by the laws. And when we don't abide by the laws, there are consequences. Yeah, we're going to actually model abiding by the laws.
Speaker 1:Yeah, there you go, oh yeah, I mean, and that's the thing is like we don't have control over how other people parent and we only have control how we do. So control how we do. So we have to do the very best that we can as as good parents to all of those things. And, and that's the, that's the funny thing about Chase, you know, I mentioned like, oh well, you know, if she drank, she, she went to a new year's Eve party and had a shot of tequila and that was it. Every other time there's plenty of drinking going on, but she's always the DD because she's like I don't like drinking, you know, good, good, that's great, you know, so it's, it's just something that she's just not into, which is wonderful.
Speaker 2:But at the same time, she makes wise choices and she's there for her friends, so I'm like cool and honestly, even if your kid is and that's a whole different episode right, like, if you, like you said, if you decide, and we've, you know, we've always been kind of like okay, so when they reach this age they could have a drink with us, right, because we also don't want them to go to college and get obliterated for the first time because they've never had anything, right. So we have always been like if it's a family only, and if it's this, and if it's like in your home with your family and your, your own children, do you, whatever that looks, looks like Right, yeah, exactly. But but the second somebody else's kid comes in like I, I just will never. And I know there are going to be people who listen to this, who might do that, and then they're going to be offended and I'm sorry if you're offended.
Speaker 2:This is my belief system, and my belief system is I should never give somebody else's children the permission to do something illegal. I should never do that Like I, just the permission to do something illegal. I should never do that Like I just it's a profound act in my mind and so, and it's, and guess what, it was easy yesterday. There was not like push, pull, oh, people might be sneaking it in. Oh people, right, like they just came and had fun because they understood the boundary ahead of time and it was a non-issue.
Speaker 2:Now will I find out, five years from now, somebody a white claw in? Probably, right, like I'm not stupid, I'm not naive, right, um, but right, exactly. But by setting the boundary, exactly by setting the boundary, we ensured that there you know, people understood, like you can have fun without that, right, like you actually don't need that to have a good time, um, anyway, so yeah, that's my, that's my final bit of advice, as we are, as we're like smack in the middle of the summer now, because I know that's kind of stuff is happening, right, it totally is.
Speaker 1:And at the end of the day, you know I guess we can end on this is it's all about communication with your kids you know, and just being real with them.
Speaker 1:You know, and that's part of parenting. Like an asshole is like being very direct and going, hey, here's the consequences of doing this and and and here's what your responsibilities are, and here are the repercussions and here's the ripple on me. So if you don't want to deal with me being angry about this, let alone the police department or whatever else, then don't do it, you know, because you already know the wrath. You know like we're gonna, we're gonna talk about it and it's not going to be cute, you know. Well so that's, it.
Speaker 2:Well, and what I love about you just said is like it's. It's like being super clear, right, like holding them accountable for their actions. Exactly, we didn't guess. We didn't say the world's going to end if you do it and you break the law. We went and looked it up.
Speaker 2:What actually will happen to you if you break the law, and even though you might suck it up and do 10 hours of community service, that point on your license is going to raise your insurance, and what we're telling you so, keeping the Jane version of boundaries in mind, what we're telling you is not what you can and can't do. What we're saying is, if you do this is what's going to happen. You're going to get a point on your license and our reaction to that is going to be we're not paying for your insurance because we're not paying more than what we're paying right now. So again, it's that nuance right of like. It's not what you can and can't do. It's here's what happens if you do this. Here's what happens if you do this. Here's what happens. You do this, make a choice now it's all you.
Speaker 1:This is what it's going to cost you. One like the trust between all of us to money lots of it, because not only are your rates going up, but now you're paying for all of it. And and I mean Chase is learning that right now Her insurance is like 300 and something dollars a month. Yeah, it's a lot of money. It's a lot of money, and you're committing to paying that for the next 12 months. That's well over what? $5,000. Exactly what $5,000. So you know, at that point, it's like I'm investing into you learning how to drive. Don't, don't, just be careful. Mind your P's and Q's, follow the rules and you will be $5,000 richer at the end of the school.
Speaker 1:You're welcome, but that's my investment, because I love you and this. These are the things as a parent that I I agreed to do, you know, and and really, at the end of the day, um, it's about, it's about keeping your word to your kids, too, and and to the people around you. You know, yesterday I I was being kind of like not interrogated, but like questioned about what I was doing at work, and so I was at work yesterday and I'll we'll just end on this. I was at work yesterday and one of my, one of our team members, was having a birthday party for her one-year-old daughter, and this is something she asked to do last year, like the baby was four months old, and was like can I have the birthday party in the tech center? Blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, absolutely. I was like we'll figure it all out, whatever. Well, it's summertime.
Speaker 1:My team is like stretched to the max. We have a hundred kids in our tech center all day long, and then we're doing extended hours for teens, and we're we just got done doing an event on Sunday, two Sundays ago, and I mean it's just been a lot. So I'm like, you know, I'm just going to go down, I'm going to open up the tech center and I'm just going to hang out with you guys and I'm I'll close it up and I'm just going to be there for you. And she was like, are you sure? And I'm like, yeah, and so later on I'm, you know, get home.
Speaker 1:It's like 11 o'clock at night now, because there was a big accident, all that stuff, and I was talking to my promised her last year. Yeah, he was like, wow, like I said, I keep my word. You know, like I told her I would do it. I it was no sweat off my back, but people remember that stuff, you know. And and that's the thing is like, I keep my word with my kids and if I, if I can't and I need to adjust, I tell them, I communicate and tell them why you're transparent. Yeah, just be transparent with your kids and explain to them and they understand so much more and give parents so much more grace. It's just because I said it's the rules, exactly.
Speaker 2:Teach them how to be an investigator. Yeah, that's exactly right. I love it. All right, you guys. So we're going to wrap it there, hopefully, that's, um, and we're actually going to get this episode out immediately because, um, you know, our break is over, exactly, and that way, you actually have it for the summer, cause if we post this in August, it's not going to be useful, um, so we're going to do that immediately and, um, you know, for those of you who stuck around during our break, um, and show up, because we put something out, even though it wasn't as consistent as we had hoped, thank,
