Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Dumpster Diving with Janice & Jane Podcast
Juggling Life: Family, Work, and Mental Wellbeing - A Reddit Roulette Edition!
Summer is OVER friends and we are feeling the relief and yet craziness of Fall! Let's get all caught up and then play another round of "Reddit Roulette!" We are so excited to consider REAL issues submitted by REAL people and to use our life experience to offer actionable advice.
This episode's topics include: A powerful story from a 16-year-old dealing with family issues centered around her parents who are unwilling to acknowledge her mental health concerns AND a relationship scenario where s** seemingly is at the core.
Be sure to LIKE, SHARE, SUBSCRIBE and FOLLOW along...AND listen until the end for a prompt from a fellow DDJJ listener and join the in the fun in sharing your best parenting tips with them in our next episode. Have a tip to share? Email us at dumpsterdivejj@gmail.com
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you're listening to dumpster diving with janice and jane, and we are here on labor day, september 2nd 2024. We are laboring away on the day that we shouldn't be.
Speaker 2:I know we're here for you guys. We have to, you know, acknowledge the fact that we have. I can't say slacking, we haven't been slacking on recording. We've just been so fucking busy in our the rest of our lives that time keeps slipping, and then it's two weeks and then it's like gosh. So, yes, we're laboring for you guys today, but because we haven't labored in a while In this form, in this format Because we're laboring everywhere else.
Speaker 1:We've been laboring so much, we shouldn't have asses left A freaking men, a freaking men, but it's good to see you.
Speaker 2:It's been a minute and you know like I'm on the cusp of heading to Orlando tomorrow to be with my grandbaby for like 16 days. And so 16 days, 16 days. Actually, I'm coming on this vacation time. Like what? No, no, no, no. That's the reason I'm going there, because I'm working from there, because she'll be at a daycare, right, so she's going to continue. Mom and dad are going to be in Italy. She'll continue her routine. I'll work from their house. The only difference is that I had to like black out the month so that I'm not traveling, obviously, anywhere else.
Speaker 1:So which is such a relief.
Speaker 2:I've been on the road so much that I'm just like, oh my God, like I'm super excited about being with her, I'm super excited about planting myself and not moving for a few weeks. So, yeah, so I get there tomorrow, mom and dad leave Friday, she and I have, you know, about 10, 12 days on our own, and then I get to bring her back here and then mom and dad are meeting us here and then it's wedding time. So September, my gosh, that's crazy. It's so crazy, so crazy, super excited. And, like I was saying to you before we started recording, today has been about, like you know, trying to pack and organize the house because I'm going to be gone and all the moms out there will relate to me like going through the refrigerator and cleaning this stuff out, but I know they're not going to eat because it's just going to be rotting when I come back. And, yes, my younger sister, jane, was kind enough to be like or you could just ask them to throw stuff away, and I was like, really, really, no, no.
Speaker 1:Too much of a control freak.
Speaker 2:I was just about to say, like who am I kidding and what am I trying to say? Like you won't let anybody do that shit. But also, it's also because, in my defense, it's also because when we get back, it'll be like a week. Well, actually the day after we get back, people are going to start coming in for the wedding and so, like now the refrigerators are clean, right, like it's all that kind of stuff too. So super excited, um, and yeah, so that's been it. It's been like a mad, mad rush up until this point. So yeah, yeah, how about you? What's going on?
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh. Um well, you know, as you know, year after year, we have summer camp at work um during June, july and August.
Speaker 2:And now it's wrapped up, and that's one of the most fun times of year?
Speaker 1:No, it really is, but it is so much work, yeah, and when you're responsible for at least 100 kids and they're running around your place and you're still trying to get like regular work done and everything else. As I've gotten older, I've noticed that I'm much more affected by anxiety and being triggered by little things. Yeah, noise is one of them and, um, let me just say that the eight weeks is grueling. Yeah, summer camp, um, new set of a hundred kids come in each week and all the fun stuff Um, it's insane. And I work like 15, 16 hour days for eight weeks straight for the most part. So I really needed a vacation and it was my birthday, so, for eight weeks straight for the most part.
Speaker 1:So I really needed a vacation and it was my birthday, so, um, uh, yeah, so it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, and so I took a week off and I went to big bear with my um friend and um, actually, like it was really good. We had a lot of fun. Don't know if you you know, for our Southern California listeners or California listeners, you know, going to Big Bear during the summer it's really inexpensive. So I think like two nights. We had our own cabin, has a two person jacuzzi and all the things like 59 a night oh yeah oh yeah, what so?
Speaker 1:we had our own cabin, we had, oh, we had fun and it's a little town, like it's so cute yeah, yeah, and it reminds me. It's so funny because um then, like a couple days later, um I introduced him to my town yeah and he was like this is big bear, mini big bear.
Speaker 1:I was like I know I was like this is true I'm like it's really true, my little town is super quaint and cute, it's just. It just is what it is. But no, so we had a good time. We got out of, got out of the city for a couple of days, because he's from watts, like city city like seriously, hey, like we're in inner city la. So it was nice for both of us, because I work in inner city la and he's from there, and so it was nice to get out of the chaos and just like listen to crickets at night, you know, and take a bubble bath and have some good food, and just listen to music and do whatever we wanted to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was like a really good birthday and he's super sweet and all the things, and so it was like it was a really pleasant time, so it was very nice yeah yeah, and then he had to leave for six weeks.
Speaker 1:He's on tour with an artist. He does oh how fun. So, yeah, so he's on tour with an artist and so he's doing that now. So we FaceTime and all the fun things, but and I'm watching his dog she's beautiful, she's a, she's a pit a pit bull, xl pit bull. Okay, she's ginormous, but she's the biggest baby of all time and she drools and she's just beautiful and I love her and I pinch her cheeks.
Speaker 2:How are your pups adjusting to her? Oh, they're fine now.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the first day or two, kiwi's like I thought I was the boss. But now there's this big bitch in here. She's huge compared to my little frame and I don't know if I can uh push up on her. Uh, because, and she, you know, it's so funny, dogs are so funny. I just, I love animals and anyways. So the big dog just pushed kiwi into the ground when she was getting a little snippy and kiwi learned that um, shouldn't do that.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:But it's, they're all happy and harmonious and we have her for the next six weeks and she's just and I love her, so everything's going pretty good.
Speaker 2:And the girls are back in school and he started high school.
Speaker 1:Oh, my little Jenny, and she's so cute, I just love her so much and she made a new friend already and just yeah, everything. You know things, things for mom are stressful and crazy because of just life, but you know, the girls are doing good and we're we're making everything work.
Speaker 2:Good, good, good good. Well, let's um. I'm thinking we're going to get into it. Yeah, so we. I think this week is um, oh, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Well, I was going to say we do have a a little celebration, and I don't know if you noticed this or not, but as I was logging in and getting prepared for the last hour and a half waiting for you, I mean, um, getting ready for the call, Um, we have a listener email.
Speaker 2:No, we don't. Yes, we do. Okay, hold on, wait, wait, sorry, sorry, sorry. If we were editing, we would cut this out and then you would say it and then I'd be like, of course we do, we have millions of them. What's your point?
Speaker 1:So I blew it, but everybody knows we only have five listeners, so I'm so excited. I've never heard of this person. However, however, I would like to fulfill their request. Cool though it's not, per se, our format, but I think we can make it fun, okay, um, this person is asking for brand new baby advice. I know, like, when do you start introducing solid foods Like this is for real parenting stuff, you guys? So we actually got a real. Janice is so excited, right.
Speaker 2:I'm so happy.
Speaker 1:I love it. I love it because of this. This dad, this new dad, is going to you know whether it's fake or not. You guys, I'm excited. We're going to fucking answer those questions. So next call episode we are going to be prepared with some well thought out and funny question or funny answers for you.
Speaker 2:Well, and here's what I want. So. So we're going to record today, we're going to get this posted. People are going to listen Anybody who listens. If you have your own right, If you could think back to when your kids if you have children or nieces, nephews, whatever were little babies right, and you think back to that experience, if you could do it over again, what would be the advice you would give yourself? So we would love to hear from a few more of you the email, of course, is in the show notes and that way we can share not only our own, but also some other folks who are listening in.
Speaker 1:Well, you know, what we can do too is, at the very end, I'll bring up the email and we'll, we'll, we'll, rattle off a couple of the questions. So context, yeah, okay, cool. So I forgot to tell you that and I I'm glad to tell you cause that's exciting.
Speaker 2:Oh my gosh, so exciting. Okay, it's going to. It's going to be the beginning of an onslaught. We're going to have so many emails we're going to have every fucking day I love it, I love it.
Speaker 2:I love it All, right. Well, speaking of advice, because that's you know, definitely, as people have been listening, they know that one of the things we've embraced is this idea is that, beyond our own stories right there's a lot of life experience, expertise, whatever you want to call it that we bring to the table on a lot of different fronts, and so we've been really excited to like shift a little bit to this new not new, but kind of new approach. And, as we've been waiting for our listeners to just pile it on, we've been using Reddit as a place to go right, because there's so many things in Reddit where people are like posting, here's my problem, and then lots of people comment, and so today we've picked a couple of them for you. Ahead of time, I went into the Reddit string that's labeled am I the asshole?
Speaker 2:And it was so interesting because so often those are like, so hilarious. And this one ended up actually being really serious and I just thought to myself, like why would you think you're the asshole? Like that's such an interesting way to be thinking about yourself. But it, honestly, before I go into it, I will say it. It it hammers home. I've been thinking a lot recently about this idea of, like, our own perception of ourself and our perception of self-value, et cetera. And so, before I get into this, a quick tangent.
Speaker 2:I just finished reading a book called A Little Life and about a month ago somebody recommended it to me. I can't remember who. I wish I could, because part of me wants to punch them in the face because it's probably one of the hardest books I've ever read. It's fiction. I'll look up the author for you guys and I'll put it in the show notes. It was one of the most painful books I've ever read, and yet I could not read it.
Speaker 2:And it's about the life of four friends, men, four friends and in particular one of them and this I'm going to call him the main character. He essentially, for the first 15 years of his life, was. He had been abandoned at birth and was passed around between a series of different um places where he was sexually assaulted and abused terribly and all the things um and you. The story picks up when he's like, essentially emerged from that and gone to college and it picks up with that. But so much of the story is about their perceptions of themselves and their sense of like his especially like. How he came out of that, literally believing that he was trash um, and yet made this incredible beautiful life for himself but could never see it for what it was, because he always felt like he was fooling the people around him that really he was trash. He was right, exactly like the world's worst case of so, like I said, so painful to like and yet beautiful. So I couldn't stop. I finally finished it today. I was like sobbing my eyes out this morning.
Speaker 2:Probably a good thing that we had to delay a little bit of a mask um and um, all that, to say that like this, this kind of ties to this thing, and read I'm gonna tie to it, because I just really what it made me. One of the couple of moments I had, jane, were like moments of just being so grateful, because we've talked about this before and we can't explain it like it's a little a true phenomena in terms of, like, how we went through the shit we went through but came through it not believing we were trash, not believing that that, oh, I believe you have those thoughts.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but I still think and I don't want to.
Speaker 1:I don't want anybody to think that we are just like oh my god, we you know, not at all, no because I still struggle with that shit every day, like honestly, like that that kind of stuff is, I mean, and it could be just a fleeting moment where you have that little bit of self-doubt it still is there every single day, but it's, whether you're going to listen to it or not, you know, and whether you believe it or not, because it's, it's definitely still there. I mean, I just mentioned in the meeting the other day a couple of weeks ago, whatever at work and I'm like that shit gives me imposter syndrome. But identifying what gives you imposter syndrome is half the battle. Right, it is half the battle, agreed, or whatever Agreed. But I don't disagree with you because you know I definitely understand it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, 100%. I think you're absolutely right and I agree with you in terms of like. You know, I spend so much time coaching women around this idea of like, not letting that negative voice drive them and confronting it and acknowledging, like you said, where it comes from and what it is. I think what struck me about this story was that it was so much deeper, Like I don't I can honestly say I don't have thoughts of like, you know, because of what I went through as a child, I don't deserve a good life or I'm ashamed, or I don't carry that stuff anymore.
Speaker 2:I did early on, of course, but fortunately and again I can't explain why my own brain was able to process it all in a way that that that I don't carry that forward Right. And so that's, I think, what I mean when I say I'm grateful for that, because realizing that there are plenty of people who've had experiences like we've had, who literally wake up every morning wishing they didn't have to, wake up that morning, right right, well, yeah, and that's.
Speaker 1:I mean we've definitely talked about that and we can get on to the, to the story. But I mean, again, you know, at the end of the day it really has to do with outlook. You know, what do you see moving forward versus what other people see moving forward?
Speaker 2:And the people you surround yourself with, I think is another really big part of that. Like I just, really more and more. I just believe that you, your day-to-day experience, is so influenced by the people you choose to surround yourself with, and and that the older you and I get and we've talked about this the more I'm like I don't have space and time for people with negative energy. I just don't. Life is too short. We're halfway. I'm halfway through this life, like I know that already.
Speaker 2:I am not going to spend a second of it wallowing in shit, right, Because somebody else has that negative energy. It's like no, no, I can easily find ways to very politely not be around, you know.
Speaker 1:I'm excusing myself from the situation. Exactly, exactly.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:All right so this.
Speaker 2:It ties to this because, you know, the title of this was am I the asshole for screaming at my father and his wife and refusing to stop until I said what I needed to. And so I. Usually these are really kind of funny and just like you know, and this was so. Then I started reading and I was like, oh, kind of funny and just like it, you know, and this one. So then I started reading and I was like, oh fuck. So this is like a 16 year old who lives with dad, has lived with dad since early on.
Speaker 2:Mom has a history of mental illness, doesn't? She was young enough when she came to dad that she doesn't really have any memories, many memories of mom, and early on, when she was like five or six, dad remarried and so the stepmom has been in her life, has raised her Like she has been the mom figure, but what she's experiencing now, like she had siblings, she's, you know, has all the things, but what she's experiencing now is that she herself sees in herself signs of mental illness, signs of depression, signs of some other things, and she knows she needs help. And what's happening at home is dad and the mom or the stepmom refuse to acknowledge it. And so now they're turning it into. Every time she brings it up, they turn it into why are you trying to talk about your mom?
Speaker 2:When your mom, who raised you, is here, you make her feel bad. When you talk about your biological mom and she's not really trying to do that at all she's trying to say listen, it runs in my family. I'm having these symptoms. Yes, I need some help. And what we don't know is like is it stigma? Is it like what is their why? But their reaction? So it all, I guess, culminated where she ended up in a screaming match because they kept trying to stop her from talking and so she just started screaming until she said it all right, like the mom and the mental health history and all the evidence she has, et cetera, et cetera.
Speaker 2:And of course now you know, it's that whole like nobody's speaking to each other and the only she does say. The thing that I felt bad about is that my younger siblings were home, right, and so they could hear all of it. But but but am I wrong to like finally just get to a breaking point and and and say everything that I had to say in order to get it said basically, right?
Speaker 1:So what are your thoughts?
Speaker 2:I mean honestly. I think for me this all comes back to the mental illness piece, right, Like, again, we can't, when you, when we read stuff like this, we can't know all the context, which is why we're excited to like, get to a point where maybe we're bringing some people on with us so we can ask questions and better understand, et cetera. But for now in this, the thing I really landed on from from the perspective of like if I were going to give them some advice, is the mental health piece and trying to understand what. You know what dad and stepmom's issue is. Is it that they're scared that she might really be mentally ill and they're scared of what that could mean? So they're trying to avoid it or, you know, ignore it? Is it that it does tie to the real mom and they don't want to deal with that because that's painful? Or is it that they are just some of those people and there's still plenty of people who don't believe, right, that mental health is a real illness, right, that it's really? You know the whole like, if you try it harder, you just need to be more disciplined, and I'll give you one example, probably, well, two quick examples, and I want to hear your thoughts.
Speaker 2:One is back in the day when I was a special education department chair at a high school and we had an Indian family and their daughter had come to our school and she was severely disabled, like mentally retarded, and I know that's not the right lingo now, but I also know it's lingo people will recognize but her actual cognitive ability was below the marker for someone who had significant delays. And she was, you know, the nicest kid, the best kid, and so we did all that testing. We came to a meeting where we were identifying kind of what the testing showed us and the dad and the mom were both there and nicest could be. And usually when you find a child eligible for services like that, there's a little bit of grief that comes with it from parents, right, like it's so sad and scary to think about your child needing extra help. But in their case it was very much like thank you so much for doing all this to find all this stuff.
Speaker 2:But she's fine, we don't need to do anything like we don't need it, she doesn't need extra help, she doesn't need extra. And we were like sitting here, going most, most people are like going how much help can my kid get like we want to give them all the things. And finally, when we we kept talking, we kept talking and finally what we discovered and they were so sweet about saying it was in our culture, if she has an identified disability, we cannot find her a husband. So we can't accept this official disability for her, because then we won't be able to get her a husband. And that's where they were operating from.
Speaker 1:Wow.
Speaker 2:Right and very sincerely like yeah, but that makes.
Speaker 2:I mean, it's not a bad thing, but that's their culture, you know that's their, that's their experience, that's their so so that's a little bit different than just outright stigmatizing. But I'll say I have a close friend who in the last few years, um, you know, we've been having a lot of deep conversations and I remember we had reconnected and I remember early on um her talking about her kids' mental health but talking about it in a way of like, like I don't want him to get meds because he just needs to try harder, he just needs like not really believing that mental health can stem from a chemical imbalance. And I was so shocked because she's college educated, she's our age group, and it made me realize, wow, there really are still people out there who believe that it's not real.
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, for sure. And I mean at that you can add in historical, you know. I mean I don't want to link it all to trauma, but I mean a lot of our behavior is based off of trauma. Of course we don't want to repeat that history because it didn't feel good, you know. And and that's where the historical trauma comes from is like oh, remember when our ancestors did that, this is what happened. And people go decades moving forward with that mindset and just trudging forward with that because that's what they've always known. And it comes back to when we've talked about many of these things is like you don't know what you don't know.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:You know, we only know what we're exposed to. We make the best decisions based off of what we know, that's it, not what we don't know, because why would we be making a decision off of that? So we make the best decisions that we possibly can and, unfortunately, or as it turns out, a lot of decisions we make as humans hurt other people. And so you know, and again you know, these parents may be thinking that they're doing the best thing that they possibly can, based off of what they've always done and always known, but it's not always the right answer. And so, when it comes to this particular young lady that did her question on there, my answer is no, you're not the asshole, you're really not.
Speaker 1:And I mean it just sounds like you're my households that we lived in. Like it's just like oblivion, oblivion. We're going to live in oblivion and we're going to just act like everything's just fine, everything's good, you're alive, like that that's the ultimate goal. Like I'm doing my basic job by keeping you upright, you know, and that, and that I mean that was the basic, yeah, basic. Basic is keep your children alive.
Speaker 1:That was our foundation you just keep alive, whether they're happy or not, whatever, they're alive. And you cannot say I killed my child. Exactly that's really how I felt as a kid. You, you know, like keeping us alive, all right, right.
Speaker 1:So when it comes to the harder topics because here you go like it's not just them not listening to her, it's them dealing with their own bullshit that they have to work through. And now they have to admit that they have a child that might have some mental health issues and and and, mind you, this is just how it's unfolding in my brain is like this isn't, this is stuff from from my ex-wife, from her mother, her biological mother. This is something that has nothing to do with me, so I'm just going to act like it doesn't exist and then this is something that she can handle later on down the road. You were doing your child a huge disservice by ignoring, by ignoring these.
Speaker 1:And if you have a, a child that is an emotionally intelligent enough to tell you that they feel like they have a mental health disorder because of things that are going on the thoughts and actions and whatever and they're asking you for help, go fucking get them help. Yep, go get them fucking help. I don't care if they think that they have an eyelash in their eye. If you can't get it out, go get them help. Yeah, I don't care if they think that they have an eyelash in their eye. If you can't get it out, go get them help.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you know, like I mean I say, and relieve yourself of the pressure of being the one to say you're not the expert. Yes, be willing to say you know what I can't possibly know or understand. So we're just going to get you some counseling to see.
Speaker 1:Yeah, let figure it out when they have a rotten tooth. You don't go. Try to go. Grab a pair of pliers out of the backyard and go let me be your dentist.
Speaker 1:Some people might, but yes for the most part, you know when it comes to children. If you want to do your own dentistry, I am fine with that and just send me the video because I'm curious. But if, if it's your child, please don't break out the pliers. You know, but like literally, you have to break it down like that. Are you the expert? No, you're not a fucking expert. Who made you an expert? Right, exactly, go get professional help, please, for the love of God, get your children professional help. We're not experts at anything when it comes to that. Nobody is, and but there are people trained in these different areas. And just listen to your kids.
Speaker 2:Well, and I think it's so I agreed Right and I think that you know I get it Like we say all these things out loud and still it's amazing how quickly I feel like the human brain experiences shame and so immediately right. And I can only assume that if mom had such a significant mental illness early on that she lost custody of children, it must have been pretty serious. So what I would like to think is like, given everything we know about biology now, that you would actually be on the lookout for right indicators and, to your point, if your child's emotionally intelligent enough to raise it with you. So I would add to what you said in terms of advice no, you're not the asshole that clearly you had. You know you had reached a limit because you're so scared or you're so concerned or what have you.
Speaker 2:But we also know that that screening match didn't necessarily get you where you were to go, right, that it was really a kind of an evolution and that's just kind of where you've lost your shit. So now, right now, the really important thing is, if it's not going to be your parents, how do you get help? And the beautiful thing about the world we live in now is. There are a lot of places that a 16 year old can go on their own and say I need help.
Speaker 2:And if you haven't already, go to school tomorrow, go talk to your guidance counselor and say this is what's happening and I need help, and they are going to help you. Right Now it's not going to be comfortable, it's not going to be easy. They're going to call your parents because in most places they have to right, but they're also not going to ignore it, right, and they're not. And they might be the people from a school perspective who can help your parents deal with okay, we actually have to deal with this. They might be the people who can support your parents in helping you. Think about it, because clearly you can't and you need to let that go. You need to let go of trying to be the one who helps them help you and instead go to some other adults who will, and then maybe they'll help bring your parents along. Maybe they won't right, but at the end of the day, the most important thing for you to do is get yourself some treatment, and so, whatever it takes, yeah, advocating for yourself is a hundred percent.
Speaker 1:I mean, you and I both grew up in unsupportive households and everything else, and we really leaned on the people around us for that support. I mean, I found that support with other adults, you know, and stuff like that. So if you're not getting the support that you need at home, when it comes to that, find, you know, find a trusted adult to help you that is going to be constructive and not destructive, you know, because there are plenty of destructive adults out there that were wanting to help you with this kind of stuff. But be smart about it and and make sure that there's no ulterior motives, because people are always waiting in the, in the wings for vulnerability. But just really go to somebody that you actually trust, that you feel like it's going to actually help you, and and have them help you talk to your parents.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's it. I think you're right. Yeah so that was mine. Mine was a crazy and and honestly I'm sitting here thinking to myself that maybe what we should do and I don't know how Reddit works, so I don't know if you can but if Reddit will let us put a link then once we record this and post it, we should put the link in that comments.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we talked about that last time. I think it's a good idea.
Speaker 2:I think that yeah, so to the extent that it's helpful, okay so that yeah, so to the extent that it's helpful.
Speaker 1:Okay, so period, new paragraph. So I went. I was having a hard time finding anything that would just pop up, yeah, but I did see one at the beginning when I started reading, and then it disappeared. So I don't know if this person took it off of the thing or whatever, as I was reading it. How rude, but you take it off, I no longer reading it. How rude, but you take it off. I no longer see it, you're talking about it.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:Moving on. So I found a different one and this is some chip stuff and I giggle because I am dating and I am seeing somebody and we all know this Right, so I'm in the mix, I'm in the thick of all of those things. And the question on the original one was are all guys my age just into younger women? And I was just like, okay, she's first off, first off, she's out like around our age. We're not that old, um, and we're very vibrant and dateable and all those things. Not you, cause you're married. But you know, um, being married doesn't make me undateable.
Speaker 1:Well, no, it still makes you totally scrumptious. I just you know. I just want to make sure that you know that you can't date. Yes, I choose not to.
Speaker 2:It's frowned upon in your relationship. It's frowned upon. I feel like we are on Downton Abbey now. It's frowned upon.
Speaker 1:It's frowned upon in this establishment All right, fine.
Speaker 2:For that reason I will not do that, all right.
Speaker 1:Well, you're welcome, joe, like Jesus.
Speaker 2:I got my brother-in-law's back over here. My sister's trying to date other people.
Speaker 1:Jesus, I know All right anyways, thinking that she can just go date anyone she wants to.
Speaker 2:Just want to go on the record. Dateable. Dateable anyone she wants to. Just want to go on the record, damn it.
Speaker 1:But you are the one who is actively dating, so I am the one that's actively dating crazy as that is Okay, so this is a relationship one. Okay, so a relationship advice.
Speaker 2:Can't wait, let's do it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Okay, so it says. My girlfriend in parentheses, 28 female um, admitted to me I'm a 30 year old male that her ex gave her the best orgasms. Oh my God, how would you feel? Oh okay.
Speaker 2:So, parents, if you're listening, this is where you pause, because the rest of this conversation is not appropriate for your children. So you're just going to want to pause the podcast right now. Disclosure and unpause. Now that the children are gone, go ahead, okay.
Speaker 1:So let me just read the quick little message because it's not too long, all right. So my girlfriend and I have been dating for two years. Things were fun at first but things have been kind of safe lately or stale lately. I've told my girlfriend in the past that sex is important to me. I know it's not everything, but I just like to have fun. But over time it's become less and less. For months my girlfriend has been asking me to propose and she's already done some wedding planning for fun, like venue ideas, guest list, seating chart. I do love her. I can't propose yet until I know we have finally fully, until I know we'll have a fully happy marriage. Okay, pause, time out. There's so much. Let me break this down because we're gonna have to break this.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah there's so much all right, homie.
Speaker 1:Okay, first off, you can never make sure that you will have a fully happy marriage. No, that is impossible. So you're telling us that you're never getting married is really what you're saying.
Speaker 2:If that's what you're waiting for, we can cut to the chase and let you know you're single forever.
Speaker 1:So now that we know you never want to get married, fine, Okay. Yesterday I found a note in her phone Time out. Why are you going through her phone? I feel like there might be some trust issues.
Speaker 2:I don't know, perhaps there's more to the story.
Speaker 1:I I'm crazy there's a whole other side of the story, but we're rolling with it we're rolling with it. Let's go um note on her phone that had a list of all the guys she slept with and ranking everyone.
Speaker 2:Oh, this is classic is he ranked in it?
Speaker 1:we're. We're learning about that now. One of her exes had the highest ranking and when I asked her about it, she admitted that he gave her the best orgasms first off, he deserves that because he was on the phone.
Speaker 1:Yes, First off, don't go through your girl's phone because she is petty AF, so she's going to tell you about yourself. So you want to know why you weren't number one Because you were looking through her phone. Okay, I was already feeling like our sex life was rocky and now I found this out and not sure how to feel. What would you do or how would you feel? Oh, edit, ps. To further add, she was with her ex. She wasn't talking any. What to further add? When she was with her ex, she wasn't taking any prescriptions and and she does now. She says that the prescriptions drastically lower her sex drive and the ability to orgasm. She also said that she has this first list since before she, she met me. Okay, okay, so let's break that part down. Okay, okay, so, um, I okay. So he's already feeling insecure about their sex life because they're not having as much sex? Yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1:So he's already feeling insecure about their sex life because they're not having as much sex. Yeah, yeah, he goes through her phone, probably because he's like well, why aren't we having sex? She's probably cheating on me, so I'm gonna go through her phone. I'm just breaking this down of like chain reaction, right?
Speaker 2:okay, yeah, yeah, it's making sense like okay, if we're not having sex, she's having sex with someone else of course, yeah.
Speaker 1:So I'm just gonna go through your phone and just see, you know, instead of like asking you no, let's pretend, let's role play. Janice, you're you're, you're my girlfriend and I'm the I don't think I can.
Speaker 2:I think, um well, hold on, I feel like I need a whole. No, I think I gotta get in character. I'm like thinking how would she talk, how would she? Okay, let's try it let's try.
Speaker 1:It's your extra, Honey. Why aren't we having sex anymore?
Speaker 2:Oh wait, wait time out. Are we role-playing, how they should have done it?
Speaker 1:Oh, that's true, that's true. I don't know if we should do it that way. Okay, so hold on. Well, okay, I don't know about a role play on this one, but you know, you could have just talked about it let's just talk about right, like what he could have done instead.
Speaker 2:That might have been like hey, well, I love that. His biggest issue with all of this is the fact that her orgasms were better with somebody else.
Speaker 1:That's the biggest issue, yeah so let's so, so, so, yeah, so okay, I'm gonna get to that too, okay, so, all right. So let's break down. They're not having sex that much anymore Because she's on medication. Well, that's part of the end. So let's be real about this. You know he's not coming up front and saying, hey, she's probably on antidepressants, cause that's, those are the big ones that drive right. Those are the the big ones that drive right.
Speaker 1:And for women, you know, sex drive is very emotional, and so when you're not feeling emotionally epped and and where you're at, that's the first thing to go, because our, our whole energy with that is about how we feel. Right, we want to feel like goddesses, we want to feel like lionesses. We want to feel like lionesses, we want to feel like all right, you know, we want to. You know, and if we don't feel that way about ourselves, how can we feel that we're gonna think that our partner doesn't feel that way about us too? That's right, that's just human psyche, right? Male indifferent, whatever.
Speaker 1:But then you add on top of it that you know as this this note I'm so glad he put this side note in here, because this is your answer Ding dong, like what? Okay, so your girlfriend is on medication now that kills her sex drive and and you're now looking through her phone to see if, if she's doing stuff, you're all it's all wrong, like you should be talking to her going. Hey, I've noticed that this is an issue you know. Um, is there anything that we can do? Is there anything I can do for you? Is there anything that you need from me? How can I help you feel better, blah, blah, blah, instead of going through her freaking phone like bro, like you're gonna find shit that you don't want to find.
Speaker 2:This is where she's whenever right whenever, whenever you go, these are her thoughts.
Speaker 1:These are all those things. So if you don't want to find out things that you don't want to know, don't go looking for them. That's just where I'm at.
Speaker 2:You need to talk to me. No, that's exactly right. And so at the core of this and we know this, right, that, from a, from a statistics perspective, the things that, um, you know kind of doom, relationships, communication, money, right, those those kinds of things, um, and so, honestly, the thing that I'm going to recommend first, before anything else, given that he has essentially said the biggest issue here is our sex life is not as good as it was when we first got together, um, and now he's branched off into oh, and now I'm digging through her phone and now she says it's because of this and oh, by the way, because there's that other issue of like, she wants to get married, she's already planning the wedding, oh, it's like all of that stuff is all jacked up. But in terms of the sex piece and you and I've talked about this before I read this incredible book called Sex Talks and the author was on another podcast armchair expert that I really love and I used I listened to the audible of this book.
Speaker 2:Finally, because they interviewed her. She's a sex therapist. They interviewed her about her book that came out, and so I was like I got to read this book. This book is a book that everybody should read, because it's very much like a toolkit on when your relationship is struggling, centered around sex. Here's how you can think about trying to deal with it, and some of the pieces that I took away are that, first and foremost, almost with almost to the like 99.999% of the time, something you're experiencing around your sex life is normal.
Speaker 2:It's something everyone experiences and she does such a great job breaking it down. You said earlier, a few minutes ago, women need dot dot dot. So true, she does a great job of showing that it's actually not always gender specific. What we need, it's that we have types in terms of how we think about sex. Some people are responsive, others need the emotion piece first, and it can be guy or girl or, you know, non-gender right. It's not even, it doesn't have to be, based on genders. So, anyway, I'm going to always, from now on, anytime we talk about anything, I'm going to say go read this book. So the first thing they need to do is go read this book. However, I actually don't know that, based on everything in this thing, that there's a relationship to salvage. There, it kind of sounds like maybe it's not a relationship to salvage.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it sounds kind of. It sounds kind of like lopsided, you know, like she's making wedding plans but yet not working on on the current status, you know, and he is trying to work on the current status and not work on the future plans. So they're on two different chapters, you know, and so what they need to do is is bring it back to the, to the same level and go okay, this is where you're at and these are your plans and your goal, but I'm right here and I'm having a hard time moving forward from right now. So what's gonna? You know, they need to bridge that gap and talk about what's going to get them to their both you know happy places, to where, but they it sounds like they need to really talk because it doesn't sound like he wants, you know, like he's asking for perfection and she's just asking for comfort.
Speaker 1:You, know like now she's on medication. Maybe she's feeling better Now, she can actually think about the future because right now is calm and she's managing it and he feels like it's out of disruption because it's not calm anymore. It's not fulfilling for him right now and it's hard for him to plan for the future. So again, they're on those two different things and they just need to like and talk and go. Okay, we need to move forward from here. What are our goals now? You know, and invest time into each other and and do those things because they've obviously they've been together for two years. It's probably gotten a little stale in other areas too for her, and so then it's in turn, made it stale for him in certain areas. So it's just really communication guys um, be honest with each other. Tell if you don't want to get married, don't be with somebody that's planning a wedding.
Speaker 2:I mean I was yeah, that's exactly right. I love how you put that in terms of, first off, you have to kind of get on the same plane. Right now You're not even on the same plane with each other. Um, and and and and and seek to understand each other, like you said, right, cause if she's status side with where they are and he's not whether it's the sex, whether it's the, then it's not going to work. And so I recommended the sex talk book. I'm also going to recommend, if you've never watched the show couples therapy, I recommend you go watch that as well. Right, because again, it's a, it's a, it's a um, a reality show, if you will. Right, the therapist in it's fantastic. But again, it's not because you can watch it as a couple and get fixed, but you can watch it and go again. Oh, lots of people experience this. Oh, this is actually normal. So it kind of takes that stigma off of it and honestly help you think about like is is, am I actually, am I actually invested enough to fight for this?
Speaker 2:Because, if I'm not, that's my answer Like it's time to peace out If you are, then you can seek out like there's so many ways for couples to get support now, right, because I agree with you, this is all about communication, but it's probably not going to be as simple for them to be like force ourselves to talk. Right, there's something that's preventing them from communicating really clearly with each other. Lots of couples experience that some can get through on their own and lots of people need help, right, and they seek it in different ways. So, yeah, yeah, find it.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and exactly, and when it comes to sex, I mean, it's just, it's, it's one of those things that everybody has but, you know, nobody wants to talk about it. And um, and the more we talk about it and the more we communicate in the way that the things that we like, what we don't like, what makes us feel sexy, what doesn't make us feel sexy, what you know, all of those things Again, just like your book, you know, it's all about communication and educating each other, your partner, on what is going to be pleasurable for you and increase that connection, and that's not just the physical act you know, even that you know, because when, when women shut down, or when people shut down that that aspect of their relationship, it's usually not the other person unless there's infidelity or something like that it's typically the person that's shutting it down.
Speaker 1:There's something going on with them. So your best bet is just to talk to them and find out what's going on, because more than likely, it's not you. It's something that's going on with them, and the best thing you can do is support them.
Speaker 2:I agreed, and sometimes it really is about like, we don't even know what we need ourselves, right, like, and and I will tell you the thing I loved about this book, and again, again, shameless plug for this author. Um, the first chapter is called destroying the fucking fairy tale, right, and it's about exactly that. That we're so set up, based on movies and magazines and, uh, you know all the things to to believe programs. Great, sex happens in five minutes, right, like, oh, we look across the room, we make eye contact. The next thing, you know, we're ripping each other's clothes off and it's like perfect for everybody. Sex happens in five minutes, right, like, oh, we look across the room, we make eye contact. The next thing, you know, we're ripping each other's clothes off and it's like perfect for everybody, right? So the fucking fairytale, I think, is such an important part of that, because it is that.
Speaker 2:And what she helps you understand is that it's a journey across the course of a relationship, right, and there are gonna be times where it's amazing and there's gonna be times when it's to be either satisfied or to get it back there, right, and you have to actually work on that. That does. That's not something that happens by accident, right and together, and you have to be able to say it out loud, like if you and your partner have never actually talked about sex with each other, you've just had lots of sex. There is going to be a problem eventually. If you've never talked about it, there's going to be a problem eventually, right? So so yeah, like you said, got to talk it out, man.
Speaker 1:That's right.
Speaker 2:And hey, if you want to come on our show and talk about it.
Speaker 1:Let's go.
Speaker 2:Drop us a note Drop us a note.
Speaker 1:We'd be happy to do it.
Speaker 2:I love it. All right. So well, we're saving the world right now. I just want to make sure every I hope our five listeners are pausing right now and going wow, they are literally saving the world, the world a world, the whole world.
Speaker 1:You're welcome world. So, yeah, so okay, let's, let's talk about this. Um listener email real quick and then we'll wrap up. So, um, they're from the uk and they're both in their twenties, we're international. So it says basically, we're both expecting our very first baby child daughter together very soon and we're hoping to have a baby boy later down the road, if things go to plan properly, planning with the second child, another together.
Speaker 1:Anyway, we both want to know the best um ways are to engage and bond, interact and love my girlfriend's belly, like he's. He's wanting to know how to interact with her while she's pregnant. And then, um, suggest any good baby books that we could both consider getting looked into our daughter so that way one of us can read to her whenever she wants. One of us, blah, blah, blah. Um, I mean, like they're like really trying to do some research. Uh, recommend any toys, recommending some baby toys. Uh, tv shows, maybe cartoons, disney, plus whatever. Um, and then bonding time activities that we could do both together with her. It's just so cute. Also, our AKA belly farts, raspberries, good for development, like he was, like it's so cute.
Speaker 1:Good ways to make our daughter giggle, laugh, tickle her tummy. I'm like it's it's, it's kind of interesting like the christians, but also it's very cute. Um, I kind of think this is a joke. I uh, now that I'm reading it also, can you ladies recommend, suggest what we should both be considering our child? Or, sorry, I also want to. We both want to know if we were going to choose what type of belly button our daughter is born with. Either she has any belly button or an outie belly button, or does it depend on how the umbilical cord is after birth? Me?
Speaker 2:I don't care howdy's I don't care if this is a joke. So cute, they wrote the longest fucking email, like I'm. Like okay, if you invested that much time to write a joke email I'm hilarious, we're doing it, we're going to joke back, but it comes back to what we said at the top of the show.
Speaker 2:If our listeners have advice, if you could go back and do it over again, what are a couple of things that you would say to these parents? A hundred percent, you should do blank, whether it's around connecting with their baby, whether it's a type of food, whether it's a particular toy that your kid loved, whether it's something they shouldn't do, because you did it and you're now going oh, my God, I can't believe I did that. Like what is your two or three kind of best pieces of advice? Email them to us, use the link in the show notes, of course, and we'll share them, like we'll share them with them. I love the idea.
Speaker 2:Honestly. First off, I'm loving the idea of us going back and thinking about our own experience.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Because our youngest kids are 16, 17 years old, 15 years old, 13 years old, and then it just gives us a chance to do that. I love it and I will say this but all the parenting stuff I've done around teens, at the core of all of that is start when they're born. Don't start doing any of that when they turn 13. So I love it. Well, yeah of that is start when they're born. Yeah, don't start doing any of that when they turn 13.
Speaker 1:So I love it well, yeah, and then, and then, um, you know, I think that we could also add in there all the cool shit that they have now for baby, that we didn't have and I'm like yeah, and then you the the bottle warmer and the other things cool space strollers. Like you guys have no idea, my ex-husband bungee corded a a car seat to a umbrella stroller as as a stroller.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so we could um emphasis on x. However, I will say this sometimes people do what they got to do. You know what? I mean like resources right, it's all about what resources you have, and not everybody has all the resources to get all the gucci stuff all the highest.
Speaker 1:So the key is trying to trying to do some safety stuff well, you know, if I could just add a little more more context. On the back of his 69 land toyota land cruiser. It's stenciled on there with spray paint. Yeehaw, so I'm, you know, I Okay, just wrapping it with that.
Speaker 2:We're just going to end it there and say write in if you want to be a part of the next episode. That's what we're going to talk about Love it. Can't wait, Can't wait, Can't wait Without you guys always follow, subscribe and yes, we want to shift from Reddit to your emails to bring you on our show Every time.
Speaker 2:Because we love, we love. Jane and I both listen to so many different podcasts and we definitely love the idea of being in that space where we can bring real people on, Because we're never going to be in the space where we're the people who are interviewing celebrities. Obama's never coming on our show. You don't know that.
Speaker 2:No michelle might okay, michelle, maybe, um, yes, but. But. But honestly, the majority of people who live in the who listen to podcasts are people just like us, and so really bringing real people into it and solving real issues is exactly what we're here to do. So like, subscribe, share, do all the things. Otherwise, peace out you guys. We'll see you next time yeah, bye.
