Divas That Care Network

Aligned At Home

• Divas That Care Network • Season 16 • Episode 6

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0:00 | 54:20

Come and listen to our Host, Tina Spoletini, as she chats with today's guest, Kim Costa, for our “Determined, Not Distracted” Podcast Series.
 This mini-series serves as your blueprint for a high-impact year, distilling success into three non-negotiables: Goal Clarity, Resilience, and Commitment. By sharpening your focus, hardening your mental toughness, and anchoring your habits in discipline, you’ll shift from chasing temporary inspiration to achieving unstoppable, year-long momentum. 

Kim Costa is a Top 5% Realtor® with Sotheby’s International Realty and creator of The Wheel House Method, a transformative framework that helps women align their homes with their authentic lives. After refusing to let Oprah film at her house because it didn’t reflect her true self, Kim completely reimagined her approach to real estate and life. Now, through her work, her upcoming book Live in Your Wheel House, and her podcast by the same name, she empowers women to create spaces that support who they’re becoming, not who they used to be.

IG: https://www.instagram.com/kim.e.costa

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/kimecostarealtor

Website for book order: https://lifestylefoundations.com/

Link to book; https://liveinyourwheelhousebook.com

We talk with Kim Costa about saying a powerful no, finding alignment after missteps, and building confidence that holds during change. From the Wheelhouse Method to naming deal breakers, we lay out simple steps to pivot with honesty and design a life that matches who we are becoming.

• the season theme of Determined Not Distracted and choosing a life through line
• Kim’s story from isolated dream home to aligned living
• the defining Oprah moment and what the no revealed
• people pleasing, burnout, and reclaiming self trust
• real compromise versus chronic self erasure
• the Wheelhouse Method’s four Ms and eight life rooms
• health and finance as midlife alignment levers
• spotting misalignment at home and reading hidden clues
• normalising resistance and doing the work anyway
• one starter question to name what feels off

If this conversation resonated with you and you're craving a space to slow down, reconnect, and come back to yourself, I'd love to invite you into the Bloom Room, a monthly embodied experience where we explore intention, identity, and aligned action in a supportive, real life community of women navigating their next chapter. If you're ready to go deeper to rebuild confidence from the inside out and move forward with clarity, you can also explore working with me privately

For more Divas That Care Network Episodes visit www.divasthatcare.com

SPEAKER_00:

It's Divas That Care Radio. Stories, strategies, and ideas to inspire positive change. Welcome to Divas That Care, a network of women committed to making our world a better place for everyone. This is a global movement for women by women engaged in a collaborative effort to create a better world for future generations. To find out more about the movement, visit divas that care.com after the show. Right now, though, stay tuned for another jolt of inspiration.

SPEAKER_01:

Welcome to Confidence in Bloom, the podcast for women who are done second guessing themselves and ready to move forward with clarity, courage, and confidence. This season's theme is Determined Not Distracted. Because alignment requires focus and confidence grows when we stop chasing what looks good and start choosing what feels true. This season is about how confidence is built, tested, and sustained, especially when distractions, expectations, and old identities try to pull you off course. I'm your host, Tina Spolotini, and here we talk about confidence, how to get there, how to trust yourself once you do, and how to just how to sustain it through change, uncertainty, and reinvention. Today's guest is Kim Costa, creator of the Wheelhouse Method and host of the Live in Your Wheelhouse podcast. Through her work and her upcoming book, Kim helps women align their homes and lives with who they're becoming, not who they used to be. Kim's story is powerful. After building what looked like a dream home and realizing it left her isolated, she later made the bold decision to refuse Oprah filming at her house because it no longer reflected her authentic self. That moment became a turning point, eventually leading to a whole new way of living, working, and leading. Let's get started. Welcome, Kim. I'm so excited to have you here today.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you, Tina. I'm so glad to be here.

SPEAKER_01:

Thank you. Yeah. I saw a post on Facebook this morning, and you were mentioning that you're at your, I don't know how the wording that you used, final edit or final copy of your book. So that is the like right before going to the publisher. Am I right?

SPEAKER_02:

That's right. So you get like a like a copy, like it says not for sale on the front. And um, so then you go through just to make sure there aren't any typos and that the you know this typesetting looks good and everything. So it's like the final, final edit before it goes off for print.

SPEAKER_01:

You must be like so excited. I know you said emotional in your in your post. Yeah. I at first I was like, why would you be emotional? But I then I have to remember emotions come in all forms, right? They're positive and negative. Right. And sometimes we cry. I know I'm a crier lately, like since I hit the perimenopause stage, I cry in almost everything, right? And I think, oh my God, I never I never used to be like that. So I was kind of feeling it for you when I when it finally hit me, like, oh my God, she's writing a book. That is so exciting. I'm sure.

SPEAKER_02:

It was so surreal. It was so surreal to sit and, you know, I read through it a couple of times to make sure I caught all the errors, you know, or if there were any. And um, and I was like, I am because I read a lot and I'm always sitting in the same place reading a book. And I was like, I I kind of closed the book and looked at the front and I was like, oh my gosh, I'm reading my own book. I it's crazy.

SPEAKER_01:

Like, so when you do that, like how does it feel? Like, do you like, are you able to sort of separate yourself from this is mine?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I was actually enjoying my own book. Like, I haven't read through it, you know, 80 million times and thought about it for seven years. But I I just wanted to, I'm a good objective person, and that's why I think I'm good at objectively evaluating people's homes and their goals. Like I tried to do that.

SPEAKER_01:

I was gonna say that's where it's gonna like that's where it would show you that, right? Like it's you're gonna come back and you can look at your own house as if it were someone else's.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. So I kind of tried to do that as if I were just a uh midlife reader, woman reader reading this book, or anyone for that matter. I try to, I have some young clients right now. So I actually kind of went through thinking about them like, is this also valuable for them? I tried to imagine different people reading the book as I was reading it and if it made sense. And it I think it passed the test. So I was really happy about that.

SPEAKER_01:

Well, that's really good. And I think you touched on something a little important there. You know, when we like you and I are sort of, you know, around the same age. And so when we we look at what we didn't know back in our 20s and 30s and what we know now, right? Don't you wish that someone would have shared some of the stuff that they that we know today? Don't you wish someone would have shared that with us, right? Like my mom used to just say things like, Oh, get used to it, or you know, uh, well, that's that's just part of getting old, right? But that didn't explain anything to me.

SPEAKER_02:

Right. Or, you know, um, and all the things we do, like I I was one of those people that I put other people first, and that's lovely. And I th I think people appreciated that, but boy, did I get burnt out uh trying to trying to do all that. And so I think if I could speak to the young people as a precautionary tale, not that my life wasn't mostly beautiful and I'm very thankful for many things, but it I really got worn out, you know, doing life the way I was doing it, um, not being myself. And so I love that it could hopefully be a little bit of a tale for people to stop and say, gosh, I I'm living for everybody else. I'm really not doing what I was put here to do. And I and I think I'm feeling a little unhappy about that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, I get it. I get that. And I think, you know, most of the women I talk to are go, they go, they have they have that same conversation in their head, right? They have that same. I wish I would have let myself be who I was then, so I didn't have to struggle now, right? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

I didn't, I didn't know to self. I didn't have to do accounting for 25 years. I'm not even supposed to be doing that. It's not how my brain works. My God, I got through it, but oh, yeah, but don't have done it.

SPEAKER_01:

25 years is a long time in a job that you don't love, right? Right. But there is always, and I tell my kids this it doesn't matter what situation you're in, there is always something to learn from it. And if you don't have an open mind to get that learning, you're you're never gonna really move forward.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I totally agree. Now I use the accounting that I learned almost every day in real estate. I just don't have to do it for eight hours. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah at a desk doing like staring at a computer or like back 25 years ago, like you know, your spreadsheets, right? Like your yeah, yeah, with tabs.

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, pencils, erasers, all the things.

SPEAKER_01:

I totally get it. I totally get it. So, you know, talking about this season, you know, like I guess this season of our life, right? I mean, we, you know, 25 years of of a career, and now you're into writing a book and you know, designing homes, or I don't know, decorating. It's not I don't know really what the right term is, but what do you when you hear the phrase determined and not distracted, what does that mean to you now?

SPEAKER_02:

Determined and not distracted. So to me, that would mean that I'm really focused on exactly what I want, what exactly what I want, what my goal is, what I what my mission is in life. And and in writing, there's um something called a through line, which if you're writing a piece or a book or an essay, everything needs to point back to the same through line. Like, what do you want people to get out of this thing that you're writing? So um in in that case, it's like, is the through line of your life the same, or are you distracted by other things that aren't aligning with exactly how you want to live?

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. Right? That is so like that that's so perfect for anyone in our season of life, right? Maybe not the 20 and 30 year olds like we were talking about earlier, because they've got other priorities, but right now we don't need to be focused on many different things. We can be focused on just two or three, you know, that don't aren't super what's the word invasive. Like we can, like we can, we can focus on, you know, we still have to focus on our families and our, you know, but we can make our own priorities at the top of our list.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes. I mean, I I kind of equate because I'm about to turn 60. My mom is 89 and healthy, thank God. And I'm like, okay, I have another 30 years. What do I what do I want to do? I know writing's involved, like and and communicating with people and helping people. So like that's my through line for the next 30 years. Right. The last 30 years, it was family, um, marriage, um, working towards retirement. And then the previous 30 years before that, I was kind of developing who I was. And so that middle 30 years for many people becomes what you do for everybody else and for your for your career, for your family, building wealth, retirement. And so I feel like the last 30 years, or hopefully more, but like really good, you know, successful 30 years should be about okay, what was it I really wanted to do and did I get sidetracked from that? And for me, it was writing and working with people.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. So writing is a thing for you, right? Like it's you love to write.

SPEAKER_02:

And you loved to do it when I was little, and then I lost track of it in the middle 30 years.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow. Well, and I and I think that's normal. I think you know, all of us, all of us kind of lose track of what we really love, right? At some point in our life. And it's not that that's a bad thing, right? Sometimes you just, you know, it's I don't have time for it right now, but at least you're able to bring it back.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah. Yeah. You have to go, you can't not feed your children and not pay the bills and all that.

SPEAKER_01:

You know, not do your job. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Now, in your bio, you shared that um, you know, building a beautiful home actually led you to isolation. What I just I'm I'm interested to know, like, how did you realize that what looked right on the outside wasn't really aligned with what on was on the inside?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, I mean, still it it's it's a lovely um landscape and uh it's a farm, like it could have been on the cover of Southern Living magazine with the horses and the red barn and the and the the home situated over the um the valley, and it was you know a large home with a huge porch and so you know, very southern living. And it was beautiful, and I loved to entertain there, but it was very remote. It was um, I mean, I could really barely see any neighbors whatsoever, and I'm uh quite a bit of an extrovert. Um, I was doing accounting when I'm really a creative social person. So I was kind of holed up in an office not talking to anybody, and I was riding horses, and I'm really a golfer. And so I um I was doing everything wrong, not not wrong, but wrong for me. Great for everybody else. Everybody else in my community, you know, you have a horse farm, you ride horses. Well, I um, you know, I broke my background horses there, and it really almost crippled me. And I was very lonely, you know, kind of up in this beautiful house. Like, you know, it it didn't fit me, not because it was beautiful, but because of what that home offered me did not align with the real me.

SPEAKER_01:

I can totally relate with that. Honestly and truly, like I can my husband loves the outdoors. Yeah. And he grew up on an acreage, and when we were married, he was like, you know, kind of suggesting we move out to an acreage. And I was like, I mean, if I want you to be happy, I'll move to an acreage. But in all honesty, I want neighbors, yeah, right? I want to look out my window and see people coming and going. Now I love being around people, I don't like being outside. Right? I don't, I can't really explain it, but I don't like being outside. So for me to be in a house that's surrounded by no people, it it made me feel lonely just thinking about it. Yes, right, and so I can relate with what you're saying. Like, yeah, it looks great. You have this big, beautiful house, and you know, like you said, it could be a magazine cover photo type, but it's not who I am, right? And that's what matters. If I could be in this house, you know, 12, 14 hours a day, I want it to be what I want it to be.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, you don't want to be pulling up to your house and be like, it's so pretty, but then in the in like subconsciously or unconsciously, or even consciously, you're like, Oh, I'm I'm not gonna see anybody for like the next day. Like, and you avoid going home, right?

SPEAKER_01:

Like you avoid being at home.

SPEAKER_02:

I would. Yeah. Everything I needed to do was like half an hour away. The dry cleaner, uh, the kids' preschool, the you know, all the things that we did. So I would stay out for a whole and my son would be, he was little, he would say, Mommy, can't we just go home? And I'd be like, Yeah, but then I won't see anyone. Yeah. I need to get my fix and then we can go home.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. Oh my gosh, I can totally relate with that. Now I want to know, like, okay, so this beautiful house, I mean, it sounds beautiful, right? And if you like that, you know, the horses and being in nature that sounds probably ideal to you. But I want to know about the Oprah moment that you sort of use as a defining story. What did it take for you to like really say no inside? Because we all know, like that, not everybody gets that opportunity. And if you do, it's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for Oprah to come in and say, Let me film in your house. I mean, that's huge. That's just a celebration alone, right?

SPEAKER_02:

I could still kick myself, but but I panicked. I remember being in my kitchen, really big kitchen. People would always say, You should film a cooking show in here. It was huge and had one of those butcher block counters and all the fancy appliances, and I loved to cook. Um, but I was on the phone with the producer of the Oprah Winfrey show, and I just I sat down in some chairs near a fireplace and I was like, I can't let them come. Like, I literally in my head panicked. And I was like, Yeah, I uh I think I said, let me call my friends and see if they can all come. And then I called her back and I was like, Yeah, we're not gonna, I'm not gonna do that. I couldn't wrap my head. I was in a walker still healing from a broken back. I it was a 40-acre farm with the part that we owned and then the part that we leased. And I was like, I can't get this ready for millions of people to come. I can't even drive my kids to school right now. I can't go to the grocery store. I can't run a vacuum. I cannot let millions of people in this house to I just could I I freaked out. It was like, no, can't come. No, mm-mm.

SPEAKER_01:

Can't do it. Oh my gosh, I can't even imagine. Like, I like so what's coming to my mind right now, listening to you, is like, you know that they have we can pay people to come and clean our house, right?

SPEAKER_02:

I don't, I was like, yeah. Yeah, you know, and two, I um I was in pain and um trying to recover. And I I actually started reading the book only after I wrote the winning essay. And in the book, there was uh one of the main characters who was very unhappy in her home. And I was like, what? And the it the essay that I wrote, I don't I didn't think I wrote I would thought the essay I wrote was funny and poignant. However, it disappeared after I wrote it. And so I mean Yeah, I was because back 2001, it was this website where you wrote the essay. And so while my kids were at school one day, I sat in my office and wrote and rewrote it like for hours, wrote this essay, and I thought it was pretty darn good. And um, but I never saw it again. And I was like, Yeah, I don't even know what I wrote. I was on painkillers from you know, it was excruciating pain for quite a while. So I was like, when they finally told me I won, it was a couple months later and I was feeling better, and I was like, Yeah, I don't exactly sure what I wrote.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh, that okay, so you were drugged up, right?

SPEAKER_02:

I mean, I well, like, yeah, on like serious pain medication that I got off as soon as I could because it was dangerous to be on. I felt it.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, and I'm and I'm sure I don't know if they confirmed it with you, but I'm sure you're not the only person in the world that has said no to Oprah Wimfree.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm sure I'm not. Yeah, it's like, yeah, am I ready for millions of people to right?

SPEAKER_01:

Like, am I ready for TV? I don't think I am. Right. And and and the truth is, I mean, yeah, I like to, you know, believe that I have a beautiful house, right? And I make it so that it is, you know, like I want people to come and see it. But do I want the entire world in my house? Like that's kind of an invasion of privacy, don't you think?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, it can be, like, especially with, you know, what did I what kind of information did I um divulge in my essay? Right. So, you know, about about like how the um, you know, obviously how my friends all helped me, but like in what dire state, you know, that I was in with, you know, severe pain and was I gonna walk again and all that stuff. And it was just too fresh. And so I was like, Yeah, I can't handle this right now. Yeah. And and and a lot of it was just I was so misaligned that I was like, Yeah, I gotta figure this out. How am I gonna exp get on the Oprah show and be like really proud of where I'm living when I'm not real sure? Right. Sure about that, and I'm in pain here.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So there was a like obviously it was like a um combination of many different things that really sort of brought that out in you that said, no, this isn't what I want. This isn't, yeah, I get that.

SPEAKER_02:

Or even like I'm not ready for this. Like something's off. I haven't figured it out. I don't want to, you know, uh, it just sounded like trouble to me at the time.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. And who knows? And you know, everything happens for a reason, right? And so I'm feeling like, you know, who knows what would have happened after. Right, right. Like it's not, it's one thing to, you know, sure, invite the camera crew and all these people into my home, but what what are the what's gonna happen after? Because we all know there's those ripple effects, right? There's always something to come out of that.

SPEAKER_02:

Like when you win the lottery, bad things happen. I mean, you know, bad things can happen, they say.

SPEAKER_01:

Exactly, exactly. So when you think back then to your earlier, you know, career accounting and your life back then, how do you compare that to the confidence that you have now?

SPEAKER_02:

You know, I um I always took a backseat back then. I always just was just like, this is for my kids and for my spouse at the time, and I'll help run the business, even though I have several degrees that are leading me in a different direction. I was a sacrificer. I was a people pleaser. And so I kind of just watched and I, you know, I watched everybody else do what they wanted to do, like, you know, um, just no matter what it was. And I I that was just kind of the way I lived, just like for other people. And I still do that like all the time, all day, like my clients and my family. Um, but I do have a little more space now that I'm not a full-time mom to be the real me and to do the writing and do the real estate and be out and answer the phone at you know 10 o'clock at night and things like that. So I feel more free to be me now than then. I was sort of hiding back then.

SPEAKER_01:

And I think, I mean, just from listening to your story, I think also too what we learn about ourselves is when we when we put ourselves first and we make our wishes priority, that doesn't necessarily mean that we put others down and push them away, right? Like if someone comes to me and asks me for my advice or my, you know, my opinion, or just you know, like, you know, tells me what's going on in their life, that doesn't mean I have to say, well, I don't have time for you. Right. Right. I'm making me the priority. You can still make yourself priority with their wishes, right? Like you, if you're gonna ask my opinion, then it's up to me to give you my honest opinion. If you want me just to say what you want me to, you know, what you want to hear from me, I can do that too, but that's not who I am.

SPEAKER_02:

No, and it's not helpful either, right? It's not helpful to them to not say the truth. And people know when you're not um being authentic. I really feel like people become closer to you when you're your authentic self. And that's not always, you know, agreeing with everything.

SPEAKER_01:

Right, right. And it's giving your honest opinion, right? Like, you know, but and I know I don't know about how you would say it to your clients or to your friends, but if someone asks me something or we're having a discussion, I'll just say, well, that wouldn't work for me, right? Like in my world, right, this is what I would prefer, or this is how I would do it, right? But that doesn't necessarily, that's not putting anything on you to say you have to do it my way. Right. Right. And we and I've been there, I remember, you know, sitting with my girlfriends and no, you can't do that, or you shouldn't do that. You should do it this way. But you know, as I got older, I started to realize what works for me doesn't work for everyone else.

SPEAKER_02:

That's right. Yeah, it's so true. And I do see so many different people's lifestyles that the way I like when I see a little yellow or red flag come up, like uh oh, this may be a mistake if they decide this certain thing, let me understand better what they're trying to to go, what the what outcome they're trying to achieve, because I see some possible bad outcomes here. Right. And so I usually try to frame it as, yeah, I can see your point of view, but have you thought about this? Or I had a client who did that and this is what happened. Right.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. Exactly. And then again, like you're leaving it up to them to make the decision, but you're also opening up their, you know, their mind so that they can see there are other possibilities that could happen. Because I mean let's face it, I mean, they say like if you're narrow minded, that's what happens, right? You only see what you want to see. Right. That's what that means. And so when you can open up that narrow hallway to a more broad hallway, then we're we're talking about there's so many other possibilities. And that's good and bad.

SPEAKER_02:

Absolutely. I'm I'm a big fan of the option A, B, and C. What are my options here? What would the potential outcomes be if I did each one? And what can I not live with if it happens?

SPEAKER_01:

Right. I love that. And I I think, you know, I mean I think a lot of us are like that. I mean obviously we know there's many narrow-minded people out there. But I think when we know that the outcomes what they could be of all three possibilities or five or however many you want to open yourself up to, that makes us, you know, that curiosity, you know, gives us a little bit more opportunity to make wise choices.

SPEAKER_02:

I think you're right. Yeah. I do.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I do. So I want to talk about okay so looking back at the Clarity Farm, what that's what you called your land, right? Your property. What lessons only became clear after you were willing to stop labeling at it as a failure?

SPEAKER_02:

I think the lesson that became clear was you don't have to do what other people expect you to do or what everybody else is doing. You need to stay in your lane. And um I think the other lesson eventually was that sometimes compromise doesn't work for anybody. And if it's a big issue that you are always the one giving up just to keep the peace the way that you want to live, sometimes there's a bigger change change that's foundational that needs to happen. And those go to the four M's in my process which is myself who am I? How was I made? What are my gifts? Mastery have I mastered those gifts like am I working in my strengths? I was not doing that in accounting. I feel like my strength is probably writing in people mission, how are you helping other people? And then mates mate or mates is who is your partner and your friendships and do they see the real you and support you and if not that's a foundational issue that needs to be at least addressed.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. Okay so you touched on two major points there. Like it was basically um and now they have just lost my mind um you you said something about um making other people happy I think it was and then it was oh compromise right not all compromises work. And so now when you were explaining that to me it came up that's not a compromise if I'm always the one sort of you know shutting my mouth keeping my ideas that's not compromise anymore. That's always what you're getting what you want and I'm just learning how to not speak my mind right that's that's no longer compromising. Right. So I really liked that you said that because that's how that's how we move forward right compromising has to work both ways right I I want you to speak a little bit more on that.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah I mean so many times um I see partners that spouses that are just trying to make a decision on a home together. And every once in a while there's a deal breaker that is in direct opposition to what those two people want. And it's a really big deal to them. For me it was um being in a community versus being out like alone without neighbors that was that became a deal breaker for me. And that was a compromise that myself and my former spouse never reconciled because neither were happy with the compromise there's like meeting halfway wasn't going to work for either one of us there. And I see that with other people I mean sometimes it's you know I want to live somewhere and often it's this I want to live out in the middle of nowhere with no HOA so no one can tell me what to do. I want to ride dirt bikes and or whatever or park my RV and no one can tell me that I can't. And then perhaps the other spouse, you know, I want um a swim tennis and I want somewhere you know the kids have people to play with or there's a book club you know or whatever it is that they they want connection and community. And so that's a that's a hard one to overcome and I have overcome it only by okay let's find a street that's friendly and it has you know a couple of acres or more and you then have you know at least 10 or 15 people on that kind of street that you can become friends with. And but the other person has their alone time and they can go out in wherever the barn or the workshed and do their thing and each person is pretty happy.

SPEAKER_01:

But wow okay so that I I'm just picturing myself having to make that choice right now I don't want to be in like downtown New York where there's like I'm in a small apartment building no I don't want I don't want that I want a house I want I want a yard I want my space but yeah you're right I want to be able to talk to the neighbor over the fence right right even though I don't like I really don't talk to my neighbors but I want to be able to if the if the you know the opportunity should arise excuse me and my husband is like I want to go hide in the trees right where nobody's going to see me and you have to come and find me when it's time you know when you need me for something right and so you know that that's I I so we figured it out because you know like we bought we bought a cabin that has the acreage that has the space for him. So we go out there for a week a weekend you know he's got his space but by the end of the the whatever time we've decided I'm ready to come back home I'm like I need to get back in the city I need to see the cars I need you know and so we've come up with that agreement right and that's the compromise that we had to make yeah but I know like you said the deal breakers there are so many people that cannot agree to disagree.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah they haven't found a compromise like you guys have that is the perfect compromise to have to you know some people some people I live in Atlanta it's a huge city full of traffic and and there's a lot of great things about living in Atlanta but I've off one of my goals is to get somewhere somewhere else a little bit more remote where I can um just a little small town that's kind of cute and old fashioned um where I can go and write and be creative and and not have to you know somewhere five miles from here could take an hour. And so it's that just that's a little frustrating. So that is a goal of mine like I I still do like but but again see how I mentioned in a small town not up on a mountain with you know no one around yeah because there's still people right there's still people yeah I get that oh my gosh I get that I totally get that now women many women you know they stay stuck um because quitting or pivoting feels like they're giving up how would you reframe pivoting as a powerful um determined choice rather than a setback you know I think in if we don't pivot we we have to all pivot all throughout our lives and some pivots are bigger than others if you don't pivot you're you're bound to me you're bound for failure because there's always life change sometimes we ask for it and sometimes we don't and if life has changed on you for example you've a divorce the death of a loved one retirement empty nesting getting married if you don't pivot with that and try to stay the same you're destined for failure if you don't change because life is it's inevitable that life is going to change on you. It's asked for or sometimes it's not asked for but we do have to pivot along the way yeah otherwise it's I'm trying to think like well I mean I'm just gonna say riding a horse if you don't kind of move with that horse your your your rear end is hitting that saddle and it's gonna be a punishment you have to kind of go with the flow. And if you resist too hard and it's gonna be painful.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah and it's true and and I think you know we don't realize you know the emptiness syndrome like we don't like I remember hearing it as a kid and you know I I I always used to think what's the big deal like your kids move out I'll be fine. Yeah and then when my kids got older I mean I have I have three kids two of them are now moved out on their own. When the first one moved out I really felt she was only 19 so I was like oh my God like you know I want her to come home right I would constantly be asking her to come sleep over and I was finding reasons and excuses to have her over right and I it it really hit me that like I need to change with this right so when the second one moved out I mean I was ready for him to move out I was like see ya you know what I mean but at but it was still I mean a big you know like all of a sudden my house is really quiet. Yeah right and that's again I was like wow it it was an a more bigger change for me. Yes now I have two more worries outside of the house right yes and I'm cooking for three people instead of five and I'm like it's really quiet. I don't have that traffic right and the whole you know mom can you do this or mom did you do like you know what I mean right I'm I'm sure you've been there so you I I and I think wow if I don't change with the times that's gonna make me miserable yes you're gonna be stuck in a a a life phase that has passed yeah and that is sad it is very sad when you're it is very sad and and my mom said that like I lived at home until I was married and I I remember her saying for the first five years it's so weird without you like the house feels so quiet. Yes and I mean I worked it wasn't like I was home all the time right but it's just the whole idea that she's not coming home yeah right so I I get that like and if you don't like you have to move if you don't move along with it if you don't pivot then you're gonna you're gonna feel sad and lonely yeah right you need to embrace change and I know change is hard for a lot of women it is especially because you know like we're in our 30s we're pushing so hard for everyone else that all of a sudden when that everyone else kind of disappears we're like uh so now what do I do?

SPEAKER_02:

Exactly yeah I felt it myself and I see it all the time yeah and it is a chance to pivot back to who am I? What do I enjoy doing? What really filled me up when I was younger what did I want to do when I was younger and just kind of open that back up to I have some good time left here. It's not that I'm abandoning my grown children like I I still keep two full bedrooms here at home for them or my husband's two kids to come back right and I I'm like I'm always making up like hey um it's we're doing uh dinner and movie night you want to come stay well they don't they don't want to they have their own homes want to bring their stuff over here but I'm still I still try I get it yeah but isn't it funny like we put ourselves like we want them to come but we want it for us right because when we were their age did we want to go sleep at our mom's house? No we're like okay I'll come but then I go home right I did recently sleep at my 89 year old mom's house um because we had some golfing house guests of my husband and I was supposed to be out of town but then I didn't go and I spent the night at my mom's and it was like you know this is really cool. I love this but I don't I don't really want to do it all the time. I want to be at my house.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah I know isn't it and it's so weird but we want our kids to come like it's I mean I I get it we all experience that I want my kids close to me right for many reasons not just because I like their company but I want to know that they're safe.

SPEAKER_02:

I want to know that they're you know they're eating well they're sleeping well I want for all the reasons right yes yeah yes yeah yep and I know um you know my mom did become a career person again you know later in life I was the fourth of four children and she went back to work and recreated herself I had a good role model for recreating myself she be she went from a school part-time school teacher to a secretary to a human resource director and so I watched her flourish in her 50s and um she's still sharp as a tack and so I really admire what she's done with her her mean of that the the after 60 lifetime she's had good for her good like really good on her I hope she celebrates that daily because that is huge. Yep that is huge amazing she's sharp and she's used her brain still you know and she's still connected with her community and her church and everything. So she's a real role model for how to remain active with a full life as you age.

SPEAKER_01:

Wow good for her I love that I love I really love that I know my mom worked until she was 72 you know but she loves to read and she watched now when I was growing up she never watched TV. She watched like one or two half hour sitcoms in a week right enough time. Yeah and she didn't and now you know she's like her and one of my aunts they get on a phone on the phone like once a week to you know compare the soap operas I'm like who are you who have you become I think that's connection that's connection to her sister. Absolutely absolutely and I mean it's also like I never got to do this when I was young so now I'm making up for it right I could never sit and watch a two hour two hours of soap operas.

SPEAKER_02:

So now she's doing it she probably didn't even have time to call her sister back then.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah well exactly right and of course we're talking back in the 80s where you know long distance was it was a huge deal right now you can pay people younger people we had to pay yeah exactly right extra oh my goodness oh my goodness so I want to talk a little bit more about the wheelhouse um now obviously you made you created that method and that was the three M's right the wheelhouse well the four the the wheelhouse foundation is the four M's and then that's like the basement the foundation of your house and that which I relate to like yourself your soul a home for your soul is what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_02:

So the foundation is the four M's and then you move up to the living areas and there are eight living areas um sort of like you would have eight rooms and that would be the based on the wheel of life so um fun and leisure family and friends entertainment finance career romance spirituality and environment I love that yeah I love that so what do you notice as a core misalignment in most women's lives and in their homes well um as we age it's health health and finance become really big areas for misalignment health being is it a large property is the primary bedroom upstairs and now we're having trouble getting up there is there too much maintenance is there deferred maintenance I see that quite often with especially older women who you know perhaps their spouse has passed or there's some ill health in the family and um things are getting a little run down and they they might perhaps be better off in a uh a a home that someone else maintained these things or with a family member somewhere it's it's you know a big consideration. So health and then finance is a big thing. So either people have done quite well and they perhaps could have two homes um or they could downsize and travel around the world you know because they're they're retired now or on the other hand there something happened along the way maybe a health issue and their finances have disappeared a little bit and they they cannot maintain the home. They cannot pay the taxes and the HOA and the upkeep um and any you know mortgage that they have left. And so it might be best for them to take the equity out of the home and use that to live on in either a smaller place or somewhere um you know somewhere that they leased or something like that. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that and so I think what I've learned like in in my coaching uh business is the the wheel of life we all tend to focus on one or two at a time in our lives right like we we sort of pick you know I mean I know a lot of women in in my age group health is a big deal right finances yes and no but I feel like you know we're not spending enough time equally on the entire wheel right and I and I say we because I know I'm guilty of it the same right one thing that I am trying to you know learn myself and my you know coach my clients through is spending you know equal time throughout the week on each pie of the wheel right like because I mean we all need it. And in order to live a balanced that's what balanced life means right is is all of the pies of the life wheel are equal. Yeah right and that includes work that includes relationships it includes your intimacy with your partner or partners and and all the the things right like we have to you know bear in mind that it's all it all makes us who we are right and some areas can be neglected and um you know for I I think one that's neglected quite often is spirituality and that does not mean everyone needs to be in an organized religion.

SPEAKER_02:

It's that it's to each own in my opinion. I I have my own beliefs um and I'm I also practice yoga and I also believe that being in nature is a spiritual practice for me because it just makes me feel very relaxed. And to me that's uh become a bigger part of my life it calms me down because I am a go go go person. But I was living very out of balance and my health was suffering because of it. And so I on purpose directed some attention to spirituality um to sort of ground myself and and you know I don't I don't do like the perfect meditation but I do sit still and I do contemplate and um do some grateful thing you know great grateful habits and things like that. And it's helped me tremendously I think if people neglect a certain area it will show up.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah and and keep in mind like you said spirituality is not it's not really religion right spirituality is more about what's going on inside yeah right yeah yeah and I I know lots of people have you know debates about that right and I and I've come to realize that religion is religion spirituality is what's going on inside me right and how I bring that religion in is up to me but that's to me spirituality is just what's going on inside me.

SPEAKER_02:

Yes it's a personal journey yeah it's not about it's not out there just like you said it's inside of me and how I grow that inside of me for a right exactly a feeling of peace.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah yeah so now I I want to talk a little bit about you know your own experience going through what you've gone through um when we reach that midlife you know reinvention sometimes it can feel you know expansive but at the same time terrifying I I'm interested to know what helped you stay focused on what you saw as your bigger vision, right? I mean we all have the itty bitty shitty committee as I like to call it where you know we get the doubt we get the fear we get the you know that comfort no stay here let's stay here when all that came in how did you handle it? What did you do?

SPEAKER_02:

You know what really helped me a lot is I read a book by Stephen Pressfield called The War of Art and it was about resistance. So you have some sort of dream you have some sort of ideal lifestyle or goal and it is inevitable that along the way you're gonna have those in inner doubtful comments to yourself. You're gonna have barriers you're gonna have people that perhaps try to sabotage that because they don't really want you to to succeed and be different from them. They feel like they're going to lose you. And so there's all kinds of resistance that can happen when you're trying to make a better way for yourself. So I read I've read this book over and over again and it's what's gotten me through the past probably 10 years is you know the doubts the should I be doing this? Is this the right and and kind To find out the more important your goal is, and I'm not sure how he says this. He said, but he says the more resistance you're is going to come up. Um the bigger deal that it is for what you're trying to do, and the the better positive effect it's going to have on not only you but other people, the more resistance you're going to feel, the more uh sabotagey things are going to seem. And so expect it and just say, wow, this must be really important. If I really feel strongly that I need to do this, and it feels like the world and certain uh events are against me, just keep keep going. If you really still feel strongly that it's going to be a help to you and other people, um, that's resistance. And so that is what's helped me get through many, many sabotagey things that I felt in in the process of becoming the real me.

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. And so I'm I'm hoping this book is on um audible because I'm gonna doubt. Oh, yes, it is for sure.

SPEAKER_02:

I'm sure it's I'm a huge audible person.

SPEAKER_01:

Okay, good. Because I mean the word resistance struck the chord in me right away because I resist, you know, there's so much that I'm resisting right now that I know, and yet I can't seem to get like I can't even make the first little, you know, hole in it, right? Because I'm like, I don't know why I'm resisting it, because that's where the key is, right? When you know why, right, then you can start breaking away at that wall. Yes, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Wow, and he he has several books again. His through line was help is helping people overcome resistance for most of his books. He wrote, he wrote some fiction, but his nonfiction books um are very much along those lines. And I won't swear, but one of them is um, I believe it's called Put Your A in the Chair, and one is called Do the Work. And then The War of Art was like the beginning of the whole thing. And basically it's all about, you know, we know this is hard, but do the work and good things will come.

SPEAKER_01:

Right. I love that. Okay, so I'm gonna be looking that up right as soon as we uh end our call today because I know that I need to hear those kinds of stories, right? I need to know, you know, how to break through that. I love that. So for women that are listening today uh and are feeling maybe something is off and they can't quite name it, what is one question that you would invite them to ask themselves?

SPEAKER_02:

So is this in their life or in their home or both?

SPEAKER_01:

I'm gonna say both because I think, you know, I think they're sort of correlated.

SPEAKER_02:

They are, they are. Uh to me, you know, when there's a change in your life, your home is normally changing. And when you change your home, your life changes. So to me, they go hand in hand. I see it all the time. Um, so the question was it's repeat the question so I answer it properly.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. So when women are feeling um a little bit off, um, but they don't really know why. What's one question you could invite them to ask themselves?

SPEAKER_02:

I think the first question is, what am I feeling? Am I frustrated? Am I sad? Am I lonely? Am I angry? Um, am I regretful? So the first thing is, what am I feeling? Because frustration could be I don't have enough room to do my laundry. And that stems from I don't have enough help and I'm doing it all around here and working. And so that's frustration. Sad could be um I walk past my dog bull every day and I haven't put it away. He passed six months ago. Do I get another dog? And why am I why am I sad? Because I like pets and I don't have any pets right now, you know, and um lonely could be. I walk past my kids' rooms every day and they're 30 and 32. And I they, you know, I now travel to see them. And I don't need rooms for them here because they're, you know, they're building their own lives and they, but they want me to come there. That's great. Um, what do I need to do with those rooms? Because I'm really bored and lonely, and maybe I need to pick up a hobby like podcasting or artistry or writing or just an office to work on a volunteer position or a little side job or a bigger job. You know, it's it's what can you what what are you feeling that's negative and how can you make a shift in your life and your home to fill that void or cure that?

SPEAKER_01:

I love that. You know, and it's funny that, you know, we don't we I mean, often women don't look at that at why is this bothering me? Right? Like this might be something that's bothered you like your entire marriage, right? Or the entire time that you've lived in this house, but you don't really think about why it's bothering you.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01:

And what like what is it? Like, what am I really feeling? And what what brought it on?

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, right? What brought it on? What is this stemming from? Like if you're um in a new home with and and the spouse and the husband and wife or partners are in the home and they're arguing about the layout of the kitchen and they're angry. Is it really about the kitchen? Right. Or is it about we don't spend enough time together? And like, why do we need a kitchen anyway? Because you're never home. Or, you know, whatever it is that's the underlying reason. Like, I'm not really mad about the size of the island. I'm mad that I have no people to fill it up.

SPEAKER_01:

Oh my goodness. You know, I've often so I have a ginormous kitchen, at least I think it's ginormous. I love it, right? But I I don't have room for all my stuff, yeah. Right? I got like I don't like anything on my counter. Like, if I could have nothing, uh that would be the way I'd like it. Yeah, but I can't have it that way, and I cannot figure out why that bothers me. Like, I got this huge kitchen, and nothing that I own fits in the cupboards. I'm like, why is this bothering me so much?

unknown:

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02:

Well, I mean, the kitchen as part of the rooms is about um fan friends and family. That's your gathering spot. And so maybe I don't know. It could be you want more opportunities to to entertain people in your kitchen and you want to get those items out and use them. I don't know. You know, but you have to pay attention to why am I frustrated with this? Is it about the stuff or is it about no the opportunity? I don't like to use them.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah. I think I think you hit something there. Like, I think it's more about I want more people in my kitchen and not just my family. Like, I love having my family at the table, but I want more people. Oh my gosh, yeah, I don't know why that hit me just now, but that's wow. Wow.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, so you don't pull up to your house and be like, oh, I'm lonely, or oh gosh, it's so much maintenance, I'm frustrated, or whatever it is.

SPEAKER_01:

Or or whatever. Yeah, like it's it's kind of funny that yeah, now now my brain is really thinking about that.

SPEAKER_02:

So is your mixer out?

SPEAKER_01:

Mixer cookies, invite people over, have a book club. Yeah, I would love, I would love that. And you're you know, maybe maybe that's a good idea, actually. A book club. Is there anything that we didn't talk about today that you want to? I know we didn't really touch a whole lot about your book other than at the beginning and feeling it and holding it. Um, but is there anything else that you you know want our listeners to hear?

SPEAKER_02:

Well, really, I mean, the book has all of these, all of this in it. So it's all encompassing for people's lifestyles. So it has examples of different questions that all the questions I've heard over the past, you know, seven years and beyond, and like all the friends we've talked about, their client situations and how to solve them. And so I tried to compile as much as I could into each section in the question area. So there's a series of questions that one could ask themselves, and and then they fill in their pie chart, like this is what I'd rate my area, and these are the reasons why. And so I think the the reason we could talk about almost any topic about lifestyle as it relates to how how happy or unhappy are you in your life relating to this subject? And what is the the deal breaker for my house right now? Am I gonna stay, go, or renovate? Yeah, and so that's you mean the the reason I could talk forever is because lifestyle is all-encompassing and every scenario is different. Everybody's wheelhouse is gonna look different and their pie chart's gonna look different.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, absolutely. And then what their intentions are and what their reasons are. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, I get that. Well, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and honesty today. I love hearing about your experiences and your story really is very, very powerful. And it's it's kind of a reminder, too, that confidence isn't really about proving ourselves, it's more about choosing what's aligned and even when it's like challenging, right? And what were our expectations are. So thank you so much.

SPEAKER_02:

Yeah, yeah, that's a great summary. You don't have to prove anything to anyone but yourself.

SPEAKER_01:

Yeah, yeah. Thank you so much for joining me.

SPEAKER_02:

Thank you for having me.

SPEAKER_01:

If this conversation resonated with you and you're craving a space to slow down, reconnect, and come back to yourself, I'd love to invite you into the Bloom Room, a monthly embodied experience where we explore intention, identity, and aligned action in a supportive, real life community of women navigating their next chapter. If you're ready to go deeper to rebuild confidence from the inside out and move forward with clarity, you can also explore working with me privately. All the links are in the show notes. Until next time, remember, confidence blooms when you stay determined about who you're becoming and undistracted by who you used to be.

SPEAKER_00:

Thanks for listening. This show was brought to you by Divas That Care. Connect with us on Facebook, on Instagram, and of course on divas that care.com, where you can subscribe to our newsletter so you don't miss a thing.