Cocoa Pods
Podcast - Cocoa Pods Series: A feature of the Birth Center Foundation.
We discuss all things' women, all things' pregnancy, all things' after. Reasons why women fall very sick ( morbidity) or die (mortality) before pregnancy (adolescent girls and young adults),during pregnancy and after are discussed in this maternal morbidity and mortality reduction academy; especially with an emphasis on minority women, all over the world; and ways for all involved in care to work together collaboratively and mitigate and or eliminate risks in women’s health.
Cocoa Pods
The "N" ? word
As I listened to the heart-wrenching accounts of Ada and Tara, I couldn't help but recognize the shadows of manipulation and emotional turmoil that narcissistic abuse casts over a relationship. Their journey from confusion and self-doubt to empowerment and independence is a testament to the resiliency of the human spirit. Ada, against the backdrop of Lagos' societal expectations, and Tara, entangled in a web of gaslighting, share their awakening to the reality of their situations. Through their eyes, we explore the essential steps of seeking support and reclaiming self-worth, serving as a beacon of hope for those silently struggling.
This episode peels back the curtain on the complexities of narcissism in relationships, revealing how it distorts the bond between partners. We delve into the psyche of the narcissist, whose insatiable need for validation and superiority undermines the genuine connection and mutual respect foundational to any relationship. By understanding the signs and the psychology behind narcissistic behavior, we empower our listeners to recognize these traits in their own lives. It's not just a discussion; it's an invitation to a community of support, a guide for recentering oneself in the aftermath of emotional abuse, and a message that you're not alone on the path to healing.
There are stories upon stories upon stories that women have told me. So, for anonymity, this is another story. The names have been changed. Ada is a vibrant Lagosian woman whose life seemed like a fairy tale from the outside. She had a successful career, a loving family and a charming husband, emeka. From the beginning, emeka swept Ada off her feet with his charisma and confidence. But behind closed doors their relationship took a darker turn.
Dr Bola Sogade:So in the Nigerian-Lagosian culture, there is often a strong emphasis on family and preserving appearances. Ada felt pressure to maintain the facade of a perfect marriage Despite the growing signs of trouble. A maker's behavior became increasingly controlling and manipulative, leaving Ada feeling trapped and isolated. So, despite her achievements, ada's self-esteem began to crumble under a maker's constant criticism and belittling remarks. He undermined her accomplishments and gaslighted her into questioning her own worth. In a society where women are expected to prioritize their husband's needs above their own, ada struggled to assert herself and break free from the cycle of abuse. So as the abuse escalated, ada grappled with conflicting emotions of shame, fear and guilt. She was worried about how separation would be perceived by her family and community, and she feared the stigma associated with being a single woman. In the Nigerian culture, divorce is often viewed as a failure and can carry significant social repercussions for the women. Despite the cultural challenges she faced, ada eventually found the courage to seek help and support. So, with the assistance of a therapist and a supportive network of her friends in Lagos, she began to reclaim her sense of self-worth and independence. It was a challenging journey, filled with setbacks and obstacles, but Ada refused to let her past define her future. So today I meet Ada. Ada stands tall as a survivor, advocating for others who may be trapped in similar situations. She's breaking the silence surrounding the narcissistic abuse in her community in Lagos and working to empower women to speak up and seek help. Ada's story serves as a reminder that, no matter the cultural context, everyone deserves to live a life free of abuse and oppression.
Dr Bola Sogade:Welcome to CocoaPods podcast. I had another lady come to see me today professionally and I'm going to talk about her story in anonymity. We're going to call her Tara, just for the sake of things. Tara tells me her story of her journey living with a narcissistic husband and not knowing it, thinking she was a crazy one, she said it was strange looking back now realizing how much of her life she spent feeling like she was losing her mind. For years she couldn't make sense of the chaos, the confusion and the constant feeling of walking on eggshells. She thought she was the problem, she thought she was going crazy. And it started very subtly. She said, almost imperceptibly, this charming man she fell in love with. Slowly, over the years, they have three boys transformed into somebody she barely recognized. He was charming, charismatic even, but beneath the surface looked something darker, something sinister, and she didn't know it.
Dr Bola Sogade:Gaslighting became his weapon of choice. He would twist her words, manipulate her emotions and make her doubt her own reality. You are overreacting, he would say. It's all in your head. I'm perfect, you're the crazy one. And for some reason Tara believed him. Reason, tara believed him.
Dr Bola Sogade:She questioned her own sanity, wondering if maybe she was the one who was wrong or maybe she was the one who was broken. But it wasn't just gaslighting. It was the constant need for attention, the insatiable hunger for admiration and the complete lack of empathy. For admiration and the complete lack of empathy. Tara had just lost a family member and her partner showed stark, complete lack of empathy. He couldn't celebrate her successes without making them about himself. He couldn't comfort her in her moments of grief or weakness without turning the focus back to him. It was always about him. And then there were the fights, all the fights. Tara said they were like nothing she'd ever experienced before Explosive, unpredictable and always ending with Tara apologizing, begging for forgiveness, even when she hadn't done anything wrong. She walked on eggshells, terrified of setting him off or facing his wrath.
Dr Bola Sogade:It wasn't until she stumbled into an article about narcissism that everything clicked into place. Reading about the traits, the patterns, the behavior, it was like someone had shown a light into the darkness, illuminating the truth she had been too afraid to see. She wasn't crazy, she wasn't the problem. She was living with a narcissistic husband. And suddenly everything made sense. Armed with this newfound knowledge, she began to reclaim her power to set boundaries and to prioritize her own well-being. So living wasn't easy, she told me she left. So leaving wasn't easy, she told me she left. It was messy, painful and at times downright terrifying, but it was liberating for her. I was meeting her for the first time today and she said, for the first time in years, she felt free free from manipulation, from the control and the constant feeling of working on eggshells.
Dr Bola Sogade:So if you are listening to this and you are in a similar situation. Know that you are not alone. Trust your instincts, listen to your gut and don't be afraid to reach out for help. You deserve to be loved, respected and valued for who you are, not for who someone else wants you to be. And to anyone who ever felt like they are losing their mind, like they were going crazy, remember this you are stronger than you know, you are not defined by the actions of others and you deserve a life filled with love and happiness and peace. This is what I told Tara as she was leaving my office today. So how do you know what are the traits of a narcissistic person? What are the traits of a narcissistic person? Well, we're going to talk about 10 things and then we're going to talk more about them and what to do. So you have to try to identify narcissistic traits in a person, including a romantic partner, a romantic partner, and it can be complex, as it requires understanding specific behaviors and patterns rather than relying on a single characteristic. But here are some of the common signs that will indicate to you that you are not crazy, but this man has narcissistic tendencies in him.
Dr Bola Sogade:So number one excessive self-importance. Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance. They may frequently talk about their achievements and talents or abilities, while downplaying the achievements of others. Number two lack of empathy. Narcissists typically have difficulty empathizing with others. They may seem indifferent to the feelings or needs of those around them and may even disregard others' emotions entirely. Sense of entitlement. Number three narcissists often believe that they're entitled to special treatment and privileges. They may expect others to cater to their needs and desires without considering the needs of others.
Dr Bola Sogade:Number four manipulative behavior. Narcissists may manipulate others to get what they want. This can include using charm, flattery or deception to influence people or situations to their advantage. Number five constant need for admiration. Narcissists crave admiration and validation from others. They may seek attention and praise and become upset or angry when they don't receive it. Number six difficulty maintaining relationships. Narcissists often struggle to maintain long-term healthy relationships. They may have a history of short-lived relationships or friendships characterized by conflict and drama.
Dr Bola Sogade:Number seven exploitative behavior. Narcissists may exploit others for their own gain. This can manifest in various ways, such as taking advantage of people emotionally, sexually or financially. Number eight grandiose fantasies. Narcissists may have grandiose fantasies about their success, power or attractiveness. They may exaggerate their achievements or talents and expect others to believe and admire their stories. Number nine reacting negatively to criticism. Reacting negatively to criticism Narcissists often have fragile egos and may react defensively or aggressively to criticism. They may become angry, defensive or dismissive when their actions or behavior are questioned.
Dr Bola Sogade:And then number 10, difficulty with intimacy. Narcissists may struggle with intimacy and emotional vulnerability. They may avoid genuine emotional connection or intimacy in relationships, preferring superficial interaction. So it is important to note that everyone may exhibit some of these behaviors occasionally, but it's the pattern and intensity of this behavior that differentiate narcissistic traits from typical behavior. So if you suspect your partner may have narcissistic traits from typical behavior, so if you suspect your partner may have narcissistic tendencies, it's essential to seek support from a therapist or counselor who can help you navigate the situation and make informed decisions about your relationship.
Dr Bola Sogade:So let's talk about the first trait of excessive self-importance. This is a hallmark trait of narcissism, where individuals perceive themselves as superior and deserving of special treatment and recognition. Now let's look deeper into this characteristic. So, number one there is a constant need for attention and validation. Narcissists have an insatiable need for attention and validation from others. They seek admiration and praise to feed their fragile self-esteem. Consequently, they often engage in behaviors that draw attention to their achievements, talents or abilities. Whether it's through boasting about their accomplishments in conversation, showcasing their talents in social settings or seeking accolades for their work, narcissists constantly crave validation and recognition from others.
Dr Bola Sogade:Number two downplaying other people's achievements. So, in their quest to maintain their self-perceived superiority, narcissists may downplay or dismiss the achievements of others. They may feel threatened by the success of others, viewing it as a challenge to their own perceived dominance. As a result, they may undermine or belittle the accomplishments of their peers, colleagues or even romantic partners. This behavior serves to reinforce their own sense of superiority while diminishing the value of others' achievements. Number three comparison and competition. Narcissists often engage in constant comparison and competition with others to reaffirm their sense of self-importance. They may feel compelled to outshine others in every aspect of their lives, whether it's in their careers, relationships or personal pursuit. This competitive mindset can lead them to engage in unhealthy behaviors such as sabotaging others' efforts or trying to be like the Joneses, buying things they really cannot afford or exaggerating their own accomplishments to maintain their perceived superiority.
Dr Bola Sogade:Number four inability to acknowledge faults or weaknesses. So, due to their inflated self-image, narcissists have difficulty acknowledging their own faults, limitations or weaknesses. They may refuse to accept criticism or feedback that contradicts their idealized self-image. Instead, they deflect blame onto others or make excuses for their behavior. Or make excuses for their behavior. So this unwillingness to acknowledge personal shortcomings reinforces their belief in their own superiority and makes it challenging for them to develop genuine self-awareness or empathy towards others.
Dr Bola Sogade:Number five superficial relationships. So narcissists often view relationships as an opportunity for validation and admiration rather than genuine connection based on mutual respect and understanding. They may surround themselves with individuals who boost their ego and cater to their needs, while disregarding or exploiting those who fail to meet their expectations. This superficial approach to relationships further reinforces their sense of self-importance, as they prioritize their own needs and desires above those of others. So, overall, excessive self-importance is a defining characteristic of narcissism, driving individuals to seek constant validation and recognition, while undermining the achievements and contributions of others.
Dr Bola Sogade:This behavior stems from a deep, underlying insecurity and fear of inadequacy, which narcissists attempt to mask. They attempt to cover this up through grandiosity and self-aggrandizement. So welcome to this podcast series in which we unveil narcissism, we explore the dynamics of relationships and uncover the truth behind confusing and harmful behaviors. I'm your host, Bola Sogade, and today's episode is dedicated to all the women out there, whether you're pregnant, you're delivered, or you're an older woman, all the women out there who have felt like they are going crazy in their relationships, only to realize that their partner may be struggling with narcissistic traits. So coming up in our next episode what exactly is narcissism and how does it manifest in relationship?
