Cocoa Pods
Podcast - Cocoa Pods Series: A feature of the Birth Center Foundation.
We discuss all things' women, all things' pregnancy, all things' after. Reasons why women fall very sick ( morbidity) or die (mortality) before pregnancy (adolescent girls and young adults),during pregnancy and after are discussed in this maternal morbidity and mortality reduction academy; especially with an emphasis on minority women, all over the world; and ways for all involved in care to work together collaboratively and mitigate and or eliminate risks in women’s health.
Cocoa Pods
Mending Bonds and Shattering Cycles: A Journey Beyond Infidelity and Generational Curses
Can a marriage withstand the turbulent waters of infidelity and the weight of generational curses? This is the profound question that Charles, alongside his wife Lillian's previous insights, attempts to answer in a heart-to-heart with Dr. Bola Sogade. Witness the raw unraveling of Charles' journey through love, betrayal, and the challenging road to redemption. Hear how a year of soul-searching and confronting his mistakes led to a poignant transformation and a recommitment to his marriage and family. It's a story of self-reflection, the importance of communication, and the relentless pursuit of breaking the chains of the past for the sake of future generations.
In a narrative that seamlessly weaves personal struggle with the universal quest for balance, we explore the delicate dance between being a provider and being present. Charles gives us a window into his relationship with his father, drawing parallels and contrasts to his own approach to fatherhood and work-life harmony. This episode doesn't just share a tale of a man's efforts to rebuild trust; it delves into the complexities of father-son dynamics and the conscious decisions we make to shape a family legacy that deviates from the paths our parents walked. Join us for a powerful exploration of healing, growth, and the enduring strength of love.
Yes, I am breaking that generational curse.
Speaker 2:Hello and welcome to CocoaPods podcast. My name is Dr Bola Sogade. I'm the curator of this public education podcast with a twist to maternal health and all the things that surround maternal health. So today we're fortunate to have with us Charles. Of course, the names have been changed. This is an anonymized situation and Charles is the husband of Lillian, the anonymized lady that we talked to in the previous podcast as we talk about difficult relationships. So, charles, thank you and welcome. Yes, ma'am, I'm welcome to be here. Good, thank you. So you know, lillian shared a lot of things with us about your relationship, how you guys met when you were young and married young. Can you talk to us about some of these things?
Speaker 1:Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, we did. We married young. At the time she was 24. I was 23. I was captivated when I seen her in college, just her smile, how happy she was. And you know so, during college I was the one that pursued her. I was like her energy. And that was something new for me, coming from where I'm from. I'm from a small town, I'm used to the country women. I mean, she was more of a city girl. So that was new for me. And ever since then we've been on each other. Ever since when I go somewhere she's there. She's like my best friend at the same time. So I can't do nothing without her, everything I do. We're always there for each other. We keep each other smiling. Our marriage is like we're friends first, marriage second, because being friends first, I can come and talk to her about anything and everything.
Speaker 1:I put marriage second and we handle everything together and that will make us, like this, grown bond.
Speaker 2:Thank you. So you guys made a decision to get married. With this friendship and liking each other, you got married in your 20s.
Speaker 1:Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am. And we all make mistakes in marriages. Some are good, Some are bad, but I'm a big believer of you learn from your mistakes, you grow from it, and it's like what you do then versus what you're doing now. Action speaks more than words. So, and I want to still walk in that way. I just want to stick to it. And I want to still walk in that way. I just want to stick to it. I want to show her that people can change.
Speaker 1:So I was very selfish, very selfish. I was a selfish person when we first got married. She knew it, that's something I know. My mom told her, my mom told her, my dad told her. But I still have a little selfish ways in me, but we worked through that. I could get a bit more than what she understands, but I always come back and talk to her and let her know. Yes, I was being selfish at that moment and at this point now in my life, I'm not afraid of making a mistake. But when you make a mistake, you have to learn from your mistake. As all men men we always make a mistake and don't want to learn from it, and we continue down that road. But when that road goes dark, you haven't learned from it. There's no turning back.
Speaker 2:So you know, initially you guys got married, things were good, but you know, from your point of view, what made things to start breaking down? Because you guys, you know, liked each other in college, you were together and all these things. You were young and happy. You got married. What made things to start breaking down?
Speaker 1:well, start made things breaking down um, I guess the marriage and the kids and everything, because for a while I was the sole provider, she wasn't working and it was like I was more overwhelmed and I just needed a break from everything, to analyze everything, to see where I'm at and I just felt at that moment what broke it down. It's like we arguing Every time I'm home, I get off work, I work 12 hours. We arguing it was constant constant, constant.
Speaker 1:And I said, listen, I feel we need a break. We just need a break from everything. And at that time I feel, in a marriage, I shouldn't have took that break. We should have just sat there and talked it out. But instead of me wanting to talk to her about it, talk to my best friend about it, or being that friend, I wanted to be selfish and I wanted a break for it be away for a while.
Speaker 1:I yes, I committed adultery during that time. That's something I'm not happy about. She knows that I hate talking about it, but as far as me, when I have to relive it, it hurts me more because I hurt my best friend and that's something I never want to do again. I'd rather be a man and we just sit down and talk, Because talking about it it'll help your marriage, your wife will respect you more by coming to her and talking about it. But at that time, like I said, I was being selfish, and once a selfish person is committed to doing something, he's going to stay with it. Person is committed to doing something, he's going to stay with it because he thinks it's right and the whole time it's wrong. So that's something I regret. She knows, I never say I regret something, but that's something I do regret because I hurt my best friend. You know, I never.
Speaker 1:I was raised in a two-parent household. My mom and dad as still to this day, but married, still together. Oh man, getting ready to go on 40 years and I wanted to walk in that 40 years with my mom and dad. They was married. They did it. They showed proof. I seen proof that throughout anything, together you stand together and don't let anyone break that bond between us.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's powerful. Now let me go back to your childhood. You grew up in a two-parent home. Was there anything in your childhood, anything that you think affected the way you acted as a grown-up in your marriage.
Speaker 1:I grew up fast. I didn't have a lot of friends or cousins. That's my age. I grew up with everyone that's older. By older, I mean, when I was in elementary I was with all the high school kids and when I got into high school, everyone that I ran with was either in the 11th or 12th grade, so I just mimicked it. Well, I became a follower. Instead of walking in my own path, I became a follower. I wanted to follow behind these guys and I'm big on family Cousins. I have a big family and family is real important to me. I stick with my family.
Speaker 1:Everyone I ran with was family, even my uncles. I was hanging with my uncles when I was in high school, so I just seen what they'd done and I thought that was the right way of doing things. But the whole time as I got older, no, that was very wrong. It was very wrong and I had to learn that for myself because I was a hurtner. When we go out in public, you know, I still feel embarrassed and, like I said, my childhood still feel embarrassed. And, like I said my childhood, being around older people with no guidance, that's a failure, even though I had my mom and dad, but I didn't go talk to my mom and dad about relationship things. I went to my uncles and my aunts, where my uncles were married, but my aunt wasn't married and I went to them for advice instead of going to my mom and dad. So that's something that, like I said, is another thing I regret, because I feel if I had went to my mom and dad, we wouldn't have had to go through what we went through. So, yeah, wow, wow.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's something we call called modeling in medicine. You know, you see somebody, you act and behave like them, whether good or bad. But were your parents busy? I mean, or you just didn't have that relationship, or you were just closer with your uncles and aunt, or you just felt embarrassed to talk to your parents about some of these things.
Speaker 1:I wasn't embarrassed about it. My mom, she worked. My mom worked for the state and right now she still works for the state. It's like 30-some years now. My dad he's been driving trucks for oh my God, like 40 years now and my dad was over the road. So basically I was there with my mom.
Speaker 1:It's like I was raised by all females, from my mom, my grandmother, my aunts, my female cousins, but then some of the males that was there. You know we was getting advice from females. So my cousins they always say the men in our family are womanizers. So I wanted to like, as now, I wanted to break that bond and say no, we're not, you know, we're just, I say, a product of our environment knowing how to treat a woman, and that's what they always taught us. You can have multiple women, but you got to know how to treat the multiple women and make all women happy. I said a smile is everything to a woman. If you can make that woman smile, you'll be. It goes a long way. But at the time I'm like when I was younger, you're right. But as I got older, no, no, that's not right. I said only one person should get that smile and that's your wife or your companion and, like I said, it's just my childhood as oh man it's.
Speaker 1:It was rough, like I said, but you live and you learn. So now, like with my kids, I preach it to them every day If you're going to get a girlfriend, get a girlfriend. Don't have girlfriends with this. One woman means a lot more to them than multiple women. Treat that one woman like you treat your mother. One woman means a lot more to than multiple women. Treat that one woman like you, treat your mother. So, and that's what I had to look at. You know my mom, you know I man.
Speaker 2:I walked from Georgia to Alabama for my mom and now, at this point, I walk from Georgia to Alabama for my mom, and now, at this point, I walk from Georgia to California for her, for her your wife.
Speaker 1:So I say it is childhood. I modeled the wrong things, the wrong things in life, and I regret it.
Speaker 2:I really do. And you guys went to church, right? Yes, so church didn't really help, that you know. When we look back, no, yeah, because you went to big gathering of church but, it didn't touch that personal aspect of your life as a child.
Speaker 1:It didn't. It didn't Church, and same guys I was going to church with were the same guys I was hanging with. So, like I said, it's that modeling. I modeled the wrong things and I walked that path with them instead of walking my own path. So, and like I said, that's the thing that I wish I could take back. I wish I could have took a lot of things more serious at that time and what I didn't, because I was going off that model. We should walk this path, all men should walk this path, but instead of trying to create your own, I just decided to walk that path on. I just decided to walk that path. So now, with my kids, with my boys, I'm trying to have them to walk that one path and stick with it. Don't change from it.
Speaker 1:The rocks might get in your way. A wall might get in your way, but you got to learn how to build a wall over that wall, because that's the only way you'll make it work now, you talked about you know being selfish and and you guys took a break, was it?
Speaker 2:I guess it was both a physical break and an emotional break. And then, when you took that break, I guess there was a damsel in distress just waiting to swallow you up.
Speaker 1:Yes, it was.
Speaker 2:I know you don't like talking about it, but can you tell us something about that?
Speaker 1:The break. It was a break. At that time, I thought like our love, because every day when we were in the room together, we always clashing at each other. It wasn't no, okay, let's talk about this. Okay, instead of fussing and fighting, let's just talk as adults. At that time, we was acting like we was younger, we was in our 20s, Like we was still in high school, just arguing, arguing about everything, instead of just talking the break.
Speaker 1:Because, like I said, I end up talking to someone else and I start pouring out how I was feeling because, like I said, I mean, as men, yeah, we get talking to doing that during times, doing things like that, but we're seeking advice. But at the time the advice came from someone younger and we me and her, you know kicking it off during that break and me and her ended up kicking it off during that break. Like I said, that's something I, like you said, I hate talking about it, but we was, while she was at home, my wife, while she was at home, I was out being selfish, talking to a female. I ended up moving in with a female, but I wasn't in love. I didn't love that female. I was still in love with my wife and I used that female for comfort because there was no arguments and nothing like that. But then when I go home to my wife, it's arguing, arguing you don't do this, you do this, you do that, you do this, and you know I'm'm like it's not making sense. It's not making sense.
Speaker 1:So that break for a year it taught me a lot. It taught me that my selfish ways can can my selfish ways are made lifelong. I'm trying to get the word out. I'm trying to say you can't recover from a selfish way, selfish things that you've done to someone. A bond is supposed to be unbreakable, but I broke that bond. Yes, we were married, we got married and I take my marriage serious. I take my bond. Yes, we were married, we got married and I take my marriage serious. I take my vows serious. But at that time I wasn't thinking about none of that, because I was trying to seek more of my happiness Instead of trying to seek of our happiness. And I was happy, going out every night, doing different things, traveling, doing some of everything, going places. And my wife at home is not happy and I'm like that's crazy. That's crazy to me because my best friend, my wife, is my best friend and I hate it took a year for me to realize that.
Speaker 1:So I decided to break it off with the other female, to make things right with my wife, and ever since, like I said, just, it's been different. The trust is still there, it's still a building, but I just wanted to show her that this is where I want to be. You know I'll never hurt her again. That hurts because I don't want to be hurt like that. So it's like why am I hurting her? It's a hurting situation. I broke that bond. Whatever I had coming to me, I was willing to accept, you know because? But at the same time, trying to gain trust, it's like a job. It's a job where there's no off days, there's no time to sleep. It's a 24-7 situation trying to build that trust back.
Speaker 1:So we tend to, like I said, have a little selfishness where, like I'm doing this, don't, don't, you can't account for me for doing this, though I mean I did this right, but it takes more. Yeah, you might go out with some friends. Hey, baby, I'm out with a friend, I'm going to be out a little late, but then no, but your wife's still at home. Cut it off with your friends, because your friends are the people that you're not living with. Your wife is is.
Speaker 1:So I had to change in a lot of ways that suits her, that makes her happy, because the only way we can build trust I have to change my ways. I have to show her I want her in my life. I have to show her I have to do everything over and over, and over and over every day, just to show her that, listen, I'm not going to break this bond again, because this is the strongest bond that I ever had with a female and, plus, this is my first real relationship. I never had a real relationship. She's my first real relationship, my first and only marriage I just don't plan to. I want to keep everything as she's my first, my first to do this, my first to do that. I want to keep everything the same Every day. I look at her. I look at her and smile. When she wakes up, I smile. She's everything to me now. So I can't break that bond again.
Speaker 2:Wow, wow. You know you moved me to tears, but let me ask you, you know he said something like you are a provider, a gifter, you give gifts, so I presume you know with the damsel when it was time to break it off, because you give gifts, both you know, to your wife. And what was it that made you introspective, think inside yourself that I need to break this off? Did you go to therapy? Did somebody talk to you? Did you just get tired of the situation? What exactly made you say I'm going back home?
Speaker 1:I got tired of the situation. Yeah, I got tired of the situation. And plus I have two boys that's watching me. Plus I have two boys that's watching me. How can I be a role model with my boys when I'm out here living alone? So I just want to be a better role model for my kids. You know I don't want them to walk that same path I did and it says my family, they're everything, my kids. I just don't want them to go down that wrong path. So the only way to break that is I have to walk in a different way Spiritually, mentally, physically. I have to show them that you can't be successful or in anything. You just have to walk that right path.
Speaker 1:My kids was everything. My boys were watching me. My boys, they were calling me, crying. I never told them that.
Speaker 1:It hurts me, you know, to see my kids crying like that. You know it was more than just you know me and her. It was them too. So with them crying like that, it breaks me down, you know, and I never want to put them through that again, never including her. I'd never put her through nothing like that again because it tore me down. I hate to see her cry, but her crying is different. You know, I can console her, we can talk it out. But my boys, you know, they were young Once you.
Speaker 1:If boys see that and think that man, my dad never be there for me, it changes their whole perspective on everything. Some kids, you know, they start acting out, they don't want to do anything because they feel like nobody's going to be there for me anyway. So I just want to change that and break that because, like I said with them, with my kids, my kids I love her. My love will never change from her. I'm in love with my kids, my kids, I love her. My love will never change from her. I'm in love with my wife, but my kids. I never put my kids or her through that. Nothing like that again. My kids is everything and, like I said, they're boys. I don't want them to grow up and say, well, my dad did this, okay, well, I can do it too. I want to break that bond early and no, I'm not going to let them do it. So my boys was everything they got me.
Speaker 2:Wow Now, did you have this kind of relationship with your dad and your wife? You know she was. So two questions she was at home taking care of both of you. These are your children that you have with your wife. So, number one did you have this kind of relationship with your dad? Number two your wife talked about breaking a generational curse. Do you feel like you're doing that right now?
Speaker 1:Yes, I am breaking that generational curse. Do you feel like you're doing that right now? Yes, I am breaking that generational curse. My dad, like I said, he drove trucks. I didn't have that bond with my dad. I had that bond with my grandfather, but at the time, you know, I played all sports. My dad, yes, he came home and I played baseball, played basketball and I played football and that was my everyday thing.
Speaker 1:But my dad, he was, like I said, he drove trucks. No fault to him. He was being a provider for my mom and for us as well, and the whole being providing, being a provider that I did model that from my dad, you know, um, but at the same time, you can be a provider and be at home. I choose to be a provider and be at home. My dad chose to be a provider and he drove trucks. He was over the road, sometimes he was out for a week, sometimes he was out for two weeks, and the whole thing of me taking jobs, traveling jobs, things like that. I got that from my dad. But see, now I'm trying to do it different because my dad wasn't there for a lot of things that I needed. No-transcript.
