Cocoa Pods
Podcast - Cocoa Pods Series: A feature of the Birth Center Foundation.
We discuss all things' women, all things' pregnancy, all things' after. Reasons why women fall very sick ( morbidity) or die (mortality) before pregnancy (adolescent girls and young adults),during pregnancy and after are discussed in this maternal morbidity and mortality reduction academy; especially with an emphasis on minority women, all over the world; and ways for all involved in care to work together collaboratively and mitigate and or eliminate risks in women’s health.
Cocoa Pods
Mending Bonds and Shattering Cycles: A Journey Beyond Infidelity and Generational Curses
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Can a marriage withstand the turbulent waters of infidelity and the weight of generational curses? This is the profound question that Charles, alongside his wife Lillian's previous insights, attempts to answer in a heart-to-heart with Dr. Bola Sogade. Witness the raw unraveling of Charles' journey through love, betrayal, and the challenging road to redemption. Hear how a year of soul-searching and confronting his mistakes led to a poignant transformation and a recommitment to his marriage and family. It's a story of self-reflection, the importance of communication, and the relentless pursuit of breaking the chains of the past for the sake of future generations.
In a narrative that seamlessly weaves personal struggle with the universal quest for balance, we explore the delicate dance between being a provider and being present. Charles gives us a window into his relationship with his father, drawing parallels and contrasts to his own approach to fatherhood and work-life harmony. This episode doesn't just share a tale of a man's efforts to rebuild trust; it delves into the complexities of father-son dynamics and the conscious decisions we make to shape a family legacy that deviates from the paths our parents walked. Join us for a powerful exploration of healing, growth, and the enduring strength of love.
Breaking Generational Curses in Marriage
Speaker 1Yes , I am breaking that generational curse .
Speaker 2Hello and welcome to CocoaPods podcast . My name is Dr Bola Sogade . I'm the curator of this public education podcast with a twist to maternal health and all the things that surround maternal health . So today we're fortunate to have with us Charles . Of course , the names have been changed . This is an anonymized situation and Charles is the husband of Lillian , the anonymized lady that we talked to in the previous podcast as we talk about difficult relationships . So , charles , thank you and welcome . Yes , ma'am , I'm welcome to be here . Good , thank you . So you know , lillian shared a lot of things with us about your relationship , how you guys met when you were young and married young . Can you talk to us about some of these things ?
Speaker 1Yes , ma'am , yes , ma'am , yes , we did . We married young . At the time she was 24 . I was 23 . I was captivated when I seen her in college , just her smile , how happy she was . And you know so , during college I was the one that pursued her . I was like her energy . And that was something new for me , coming from where I'm from . I'm from a small town , I'm used to the country women . I mean , she was more of a city girl . So that was new for me . And ever since then we've been on each other . Ever since when I go somewhere she's there . She's like my best friend at the same time . So I can't do nothing without her , everything I do . We're always there for each other . We keep each other smiling . Our marriage is like we're friends first , marriage second , because being friends first , I can come and talk to her about anything and everything .
Speaker 1I put marriage second and we handle everything together and that will make us , like this , grown bond .
Speaker 2Thank you . So you guys made a decision to get married . With this friendship and liking each other , you got married in your 20s .
Speaker 1Yes , ma'am , yes , ma'am , yes , ma'am . And we all make mistakes in marriages . Some are good , Some are bad , but I'm a big believer of you learn from your mistakes , you grow from it , and it's like what you do then versus what you're doing now . Action speaks more than words . So , and I want to still walk in that way . I just want to stick to it . And I want to still walk in that way . I just want to stick to it . I want to show her that people can change .
Speaker 1So I was very selfish , very selfish . I was a selfish person when we first got married . She knew it , that's something I know . My mom told her , my mom told her , my dad told her . But I still have a little selfish ways in me , but we worked through that . I could get a bit more than what she understands , but I always come back and talk to her and let her know . Yes , I was being selfish at that moment and at this point now in my life , I'm not afraid of making a mistake . But when you make a mistake , you have to learn from your mistake . As all men men we always make a mistake and don't want to learn from it , and we continue down that road . But when that road goes dark , you haven't learned from it . There's no turning back .
Speaker 2So you know , initially you guys got married , things were good , but you know , from your point of view , what made things to start breaking down ? Because you guys , you know , liked each other in college , you were together and all these things . You were young and happy . You got married . What made things to start breaking down ?
Speaker 1well , start made things breaking down um , I guess the marriage and the kids and everything , because for a while I was the sole provider , she wasn't working and it was like I was more overwhelmed and I just needed a break from everything , to analyze everything , to see where I'm at and I just felt at that moment what broke it down . It's like we arguing Every time I'm home , I get off work , I work 12 hours . We arguing it was constant constant , constant .
Speaker 1And I said , listen , I feel we need a break . We just need a break from everything . And at that time I feel , in a marriage , I shouldn't have took that break . We should have just sat there and talked it out . But instead of me wanting to talk to her about it , talk to my best friend about it , or being that friend , I wanted to be selfish and I wanted a break for it be away for a while .
Speaker 1I yes , I committed adultery during that time . That's something I'm not happy about . She knows that I hate talking about it , but as far as me , when I have to relive it , it hurts me more because I hurt my best friend and that's something I never want to do again . I'd rather be a man and we just sit down and talk , Because talking about it it'll help your marriage , your wife will respect you more by coming to her and talking about it . But at that time , like I said , I was being selfish , and once a selfish person is committed to doing something , he's going to stay with it . Person is committed to doing something , he's going to stay with it because he thinks it's right and the whole time it's wrong . So that's something I regret . She knows , I never say I regret something , but that's something I do regret because I hurt my best friend . You know , I never .
Speaker 1I was raised in a two-parent household . My mom and dad as still to this day , but married , still together . Oh man , getting ready to go on 40 years and I wanted to walk in that 40 years with my mom and dad . They was married . They did it . They showed proof . I seen proof that throughout anything , together you stand together and don't let anyone break that bond between us .
Speaker 2Wow , that's powerful . Now let me go back to your childhood . You grew up in a two-parent home . Was there anything in your childhood , anything that you think affected the way you acted as a grown-up in your marriage .
Speaker 1I grew up fast . I didn't have a lot of friends or cousins . That's my age . I grew up with everyone that's older . By older , I mean , when I was in elementary I was with all the high school kids and when I got into high school , everyone that I ran with was either in the 11th or 12th grade , so I just mimicked it . Well , I became a follower . Instead of walking in my own path , I became a follower . I wanted to follow behind these guys and I'm big on family Cousins . I have a big family and family is real important to me . I stick with my family .
Speaker 1Everyone I ran with was family , even my uncles . I was hanging with my uncles when I was in high school , so I just seen what they'd done and I thought that was the right way of doing things . But the whole time as I got older , no , that was very wrong . It was very wrong and I had to learn that for myself because I was a hurtner . When we go out in public , you know , I still feel embarrassed and , like I said , my childhood still feel embarrassed . And , like I said my childhood , being around older people with no guidance , that's a failure , even though I had my mom and dad , but I didn't go talk to my mom and dad about relationship things . I went to my uncles and my aunts , where my uncles were married , but my aunt wasn't married and I went to them for advice instead of going to my mom and dad . So that's something that , like I said , is another thing I regret , because I feel if I had went to my mom and dad , we wouldn't have had to go through what we went through . So , yeah , wow , wow .
Speaker 2Yeah , that's something we call called modeling in medicine . You know , you see somebody , you act and behave like them , whether good or bad . But were your parents busy ? I mean , or you just didn't have that relationship , or you were just closer with your uncles and aunt , or you just felt embarrassed to talk to your parents about some of these things .
Speaker 1I wasn't embarrassed about it . My mom , she worked . My mom worked for the state and right now she still works for the state . It's like 30-some years now . My dad he's been driving trucks for oh my God , like 40 years now and my dad was over the road . So basically I was there with my mom .
Speaker 1It's like I was raised by all females , from my mom , my grandmother , my aunts , my female cousins , but then some of the males that was there . You know we was getting advice from females . So my cousins they always say the men in our family are womanizers . So I wanted to like , as now , I wanted to break that bond and say no , we're not , you know , we're just , I say , a product of our environment knowing how to treat a woman , and that's what they always taught us . You can have multiple women , but you got to know how to treat the multiple women and make all women happy . I said a smile is everything to a woman . If you can make that woman smile , you'll be . It goes a long way . But at the time I'm like when I was younger , you're right . But as I got older , no , no , that's not right . I said only one person should get that smile and that's your wife or your companion and , like I said , it's just my childhood as oh man it's .
Speaker 1It was rough , like I said , but you live and you learn . So now , like with my kids , I preach it to them every day If you're going to get a girlfriend , get a girlfriend . Don't have girlfriends with this . One woman means a lot more to them than multiple women . Treat that one woman like you treat your mother . One woman means a lot more to than multiple women . Treat that one woman like you , treat your mother . So , and that's what I had to look at . You know my mom , you know I man .
Speaker 2I walked from Georgia to Alabama for my mom and now , at this point , I walk from Georgia to Alabama for my mom , and now , at this point , I walk from Georgia to California for her , for her your wife .
Speaker 1So I say it is childhood . I modeled the wrong things , the wrong things in life , and I regret it .
Speaker 2I really do . And you guys went to church , right ? Yes , so church didn't really help , that you know . When we look back , no , yeah , because you went to big gathering of church but , it didn't touch that personal aspect of your life as a child .
Speaker 1It didn't . It didn't Church , and same guys I was going to church with were the same guys I was hanging with . So , like I said , it's that modeling . I modeled the wrong things and I walked that path with them instead of walking my own path . So , and like I said , that's the thing that I wish I could take back . I wish I could have took a lot of things more serious at that time and what I didn't , because I was going off that model . We should walk this path , all men should walk this path , but instead of trying to create your own , I just decided to walk that path on . I just decided to walk that path . So now , with my kids , with my boys , I'm trying to have them to walk that one path and stick with it . Don't change from it .
Speaker 1The rocks might get in your way . A wall might get in your way , but you got to learn how to build a wall over that wall , because that's the only way you'll make it work now , you talked about you know being selfish and and you guys took a break , was it ?
Speaker 2I guess it was both a physical break and an emotional break . And then , when you took that break , I guess there was a damsel in distress just waiting to swallow you up .
Speaker 1Yes , it was .
Speaker 2I know you don't like talking about it , but can you tell us something about that ?
Speaker 1The break . It was a break . At that time , I thought like our love , because every day when we were in the room together , we always clashing at each other . It wasn't no , okay , let's talk about this . Okay , instead of fussing and fighting , let's just talk as adults . At that time , we was acting like we was younger , we was in our 20s , Like we was still in high school , just arguing , arguing about everything , instead of just talking the break .
Speaker 1Because , like I said , I end up talking to someone else and I start pouring out how I was feeling because , like I said , I mean , as men , yeah , we get talking to doing that during times , doing things like that , but we're seeking advice . But at the time the advice came from someone younger and we me and her , you know kicking it off during that break and me and her ended up kicking it off during that break . Like I said , that's something I , like you said , I hate talking about it , but we was , while she was at home , my wife , while she was at home , I was out being selfish , talking to a female . I ended up moving in with a female , but I wasn't in love . I didn't love that female . I was still in love with my wife and I used that female for comfort because there was no arguments and nothing like that . But then when I go home to my wife , it's arguing , arguing you don't do this , you do this , you do that , you do this , and you know I'm'm like it's not making sense . It's not making sense
Rebuilding Trust and Breaking Generational Curses
Speaker 1.
Speaker 1So that break for a year it taught me a lot . It taught me that my selfish ways can can my selfish ways are made lifelong . I'm trying to get the word out . I'm trying to say you can't recover from a selfish way , selfish things that you've done to someone . A bond is supposed to be unbreakable , but I broke that bond . Yes , we were married , we got married and I take my marriage serious . I take my bond . Yes , we were married , we got married and I take my marriage serious . I take my vows serious . But at that time I wasn't thinking about none of that , because I was trying to seek more of my happiness Instead of trying to seek of our happiness . And I was happy , going out every night , doing different things , traveling , doing some of everything , going places . And my wife at home is not happy and I'm like that's crazy . That's crazy to me because my best friend , my wife , is my best friend and I hate it took a year for me to realize that .
Speaker 1So I decided to break it off with the other female , to make things right with my wife , and ever since , like I said , just , it's been different . The trust is still there , it's still a building , but I just wanted to show her that this is where I want to be . You know I'll never hurt her again . That hurts because I don't want to be hurt like that . So it's like why am I hurting her ? It's a hurting situation . I broke that bond . Whatever I had coming to me , I was willing to accept , you know because ? But at the same time , trying to gain trust , it's like a job . It's a job where there's no off days , there's no time to sleep . It's a 24-7 situation trying to build that trust back .
Speaker 1So we tend to , like I said , have a little selfishness where , like I'm doing this , don't , don't , you can't account for me for doing this , though I mean I did this right , but it takes more . Yeah , you might go out with some friends . Hey , baby , I'm out with a friend , I'm going to be out a little late , but then no , but your wife's still at home . Cut it off with your friends , because your friends are the people that you're not living with . Your wife is is .
Speaker 1So I had to change in a lot of ways that suits her , that makes her happy , because the only way we can build trust I have to change my ways . I have to show her I want her in my life . I have to show her I have to do everything over and over , and over and over every day , just to show her that , listen , I'm not going to break this bond again , because this is the strongest bond that I ever had with a female and , plus , this is my first real relationship . I never had a real relationship . She's my first real relationship , my first and only marriage I just don't plan to . I want to keep everything as she's my first , my first to do this , my first to do that . I want to keep everything the same Every day . I look at her . I look at her and smile . When she wakes up , I smile . She's everything to me now . So I can't break that bond again .
Speaker 2Wow , wow . You know you moved me to tears , but let me ask you , you know he said something like you are a provider , a gifter , you give gifts , so I presume you know with the damsel when it was time to break it off , because you give gifts , both you know , to your wife . And what was it that made you introspective , think inside yourself that I need to break this off ? Did you go to therapy ? Did somebody talk to you ? Did you just get tired of the situation ? What exactly made you say I'm going back home ?
Speaker 1I got tired of the situation . Yeah , I got tired of the situation . And plus I have two boys that's watching me . Plus I have two boys that's watching me . How can I be a role model with my boys when I'm out here living alone ? So I just want to be a better role model for my kids . You know I don't want them to walk that same path I did and it says my family , they're everything , my kids . I just don't want them to go down that wrong path . So the only way to break that is I have to walk in a different way Spiritually , mentally , physically . I have to show them that you can't be successful or in anything . You just have to walk that right path .
Speaker 1My kids was everything . My boys were watching me . My boys , they were calling me , crying . I never told them that .
Speaker 1It hurts me , you know , to see my kids crying like that . You know it was more than just you know me and her . It was them too . So with them crying like that , it breaks me down , you know , and I never want to put them through that again , never including her . I'd never put her through nothing like that again because it tore me down . I hate to see her cry , but her crying is different . You know , I can console her , we can talk it out . But my boys , you know , they were young Once you .
Speaker 1If boys see that and think that man , my dad never be there for me , it changes their whole perspective on everything . Some kids , you know , they start acting out , they don't want to do anything because they feel like nobody's going to be there for me anyway . So I just want to change that and break that because , like I said with them , with my kids , my kids I love her . My love will never change from her . I'm in love with my kids , my kids , I love her . My love will never change from her . I'm in love with my wife , but my kids . I never put my kids or her through that . Nothing like that again . My kids is everything and , like I said , they're boys . I don't want them to grow up and say , well , my dad did this , okay , well , I can do it too . I want to break that bond early and no , I'm not going to let them do it . So my boys was everything they got me .
Speaker 2Wow Now , did you have this kind of relationship with your dad and your wife ? You know she was . So two questions she was at home taking care of both of you . These are your children that you have with your wife . So , number one did you have this kind of relationship with your dad ? Number two your wife talked about breaking a generational curse . Do you feel like you're doing that right now ?
Speaker 1Yes , I am breaking that generational curse . Do you feel like you're doing that right now ? Yes , I am breaking that generational curse .
Father-Son Bonding and Provider Role
Speaker 1My dad , like I said , he drove trucks . I didn't have that bond with my dad . I had that bond with my grandfather , but at the time , you know , I played all sports . My dad , yes , he came home and I played baseball , played basketball and I played football and that was my everyday thing .
Speaker 1But my dad , he was , like I said , he drove trucks . No fault to him . He was being a provider for my mom and for us as well , and the whole being providing , being a provider that I did model that from my dad , you know , um , but at the same time , you can be a provider and be at home . I choose to be a provider and be at home . My dad chose to be a provider and he drove trucks . He was over the road , sometimes he was out for a week , sometimes he was out for two weeks , and the whole thing of me taking jobs , traveling jobs , things like that . I got that from my dad . But see , now I'm trying to do it different because my dad wasn't there for a lot of things that I needed . No-transcript .
