Cocoa Pods
Podcast - Cocoa Pods Series: A feature of the Birth Center Foundation.
We discuss all things' women, all things' pregnancy, all things' after. Reasons why women fall very sick ( morbidity) or die (mortality) before pregnancy (adolescent girls and young adults),during pregnancy and after are discussed in this maternal morbidity and mortality reduction academy; especially with an emphasis on minority women, all over the world; and ways for all involved in care to work together collaboratively and mitigate and or eliminate risks in women’s health.
Cocoa Pods
When The Threat Is In Your Own Bed
Danger doesn't always announce itself with bruises or broken bones. Sometimes it lurks beneath the surface, wrapped in excuses, disguised as sleep, masquerading as concern.
During this powerful episode, we uncover the reality of psychological abuse that happens within the supposed safety of intimate partnerships. We explore three particularly devastating forms: abuse disguised as sleep disorders, where partners deliberately cause harm and then claim they were dreaming; delusional jealousy (clinically known as Othello's syndrome), where irrational accusations of infidelity become tools for control; and identity invalidation, a systematic erasure of a person's history, accomplishments, and sense of self.
These patterns often go unrecognized because they don't fit conventional understandings of domestic violence. A husband who presses on his wife's eyeballs in the night and claims he was fighting monsters in his dreams isn't just having a parasomnia episode—he's creating a perfect cover for deliberate harm. A partner who becomes fixated on implausible affairs with pastors or distant acquaintances isn't merely insecure—they're establishing grounds for surveillance and isolation. And when someone rewrites your childhood memories or diminishes your professional identity because you've paused your career to raise children, they're not being critical—they're systematically dismantling your sense of self.
We also address the complex question of why women stay, especially in situations where material comfort masks emotional devastation. "Leaving isn't always safe, and sometimes the prison has chandeliers." The contrast between a mansion and a shelter, between marble floors and survival mode, creates painful dilemmas that outsiders rarely understand.
If you recognize these patterns in your relationship or in someone you love, please reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. Remember: you are not crazy, you are not alone, and your life—your real, beautiful, whole life—is not up for debate. Stay safe, stay sane, and stay supported.
Welcome to CocoaPods podcast, a podcast of the Bird Center for Natural Deliveries Foundation. The title of our podcast today is when the Threat is in your Own Bed Delusion Dreams and the Erasure of Self. Welcome, welcome to CocoaPods Podcast, a feature of the Birth Center Foundation. I'm your host, dr Bola Sugadi, an OB-GYN, maternal health advocate and a woman deeply invested in helping others stay safe, sane and supported. Today's episode is not easy, but it is necessary. What you are about to hear is an amalgamation of recent real stories shared by some of the women we encounter in our daily clinical practice. These aren't isolated experiences. Some of them spell patterns, some of them are warnings for others to learn from, and these are quiet cries that deserve to be heard. We're talking about a type of danger that isn't always visible, a kind that doesn't come with bruises, but with silence, suspicion, confusion and control. What happens when the threat is not outside, but lying next to you in your own bed? So for the first segment of our discussion, we talk about abuse disguised as sleep. Let me begin with the scenario A husband wakes up in the middle of the night. He reaches over, finds his wife's head in the dark and presses directly on her eyeballs. Directly on her eyeballs when she cries out, startled, he pulls away and says I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I was dreaming. I thought your eyes were bright, red eyes. But here's the thing he wasn't sleepwalking. He located her face, he deliberately pressed her eyes and he immediately gave an excuse. This kind of behavior might masquerade as what we call parasomnia, a sleep disorder. But when the actions are targeted, deliberate and followed by implausible justifications, we must ask is this sleep or is this control with a cover story? This could signal REM sleep behavior disorder or even delusional psychosis with dream enactment. But it can also be something more insidious abuse wearing the mask of confusion. So in our second segment we talk about the erosion of reality. Now imagine this same husband accuses his wife, who has shown no signs of infidelity, of having an affair, not with someone close, accessible or emotionally plausible, but with a much older married pastor from a different social class, with whom there's no chemistry, no opportunity and no history. He becomes convinced that she's lying, that she's acting innocent. He calls her a liar, repeats it, believes it. No reassurance, no truth, no logic gets through. This is not jealousy, this is not insecurity, this is what we call delusional jealousy, also called Othello's syndrome. It's a psychiatric disorder where someone becomes irrationally convinced their partner is cheating, despite all evidence to the contrary, and it's dangerous emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically. And before we go to our next segment, who is Othello?
Dr Bola Sogade:Othello is a fictional character and the tragic protagonist of Othello, a play written by William Shakespeare in the early 1600s. The play is one of Shakespeare's most powerful tragedies and explores themes of jealousy, manipulation, race, love and betrayal. Othello is a Moorish general in the Venetian army. He was respected, brave and a skilled military leader. He secretly marries Desdemona, a noble woman of Venice. Despite his accomplishments, he's an outsider, both racially and culturally, and deeply vulnerable to manipulation. Why is he associated with? Jealousy becomes tragic because he is manipulated by his subordinate, lago, who convinces him, without real proof, that Desdemona is having an affair with another officer. Overcome by delusional jealousy, othello becomes consumed with rage, doubt and mistrust. In the end he murders Desdemona, only to realize too late that she was innocent. So Othello's syndrome, named after the character, is a psychiatric condition in which a person holds an irrational, fixed belief that their partner is being unfaithful, despite no evidence.
Dr Bola Sogade:So, going back to the next segment of our podcast, which is segment three, identity invalidation. Then the plot deepens. He begins to erase her past. Tells her you didn't grow up in a loving home. Tells her your parents were emotionally distant. Tells her that her privilege upbringing is just something she made up to feel important. Tells her she's not really a professional anymore, since she's taking time off work to heal after just having a baby, taking time off to raise her children or to pursue something different. You used to be impressive, he said. Now you are just at home.
Dr Bola Sogade:This is not just criticism. It's identity invalidation, a form of insidious psychological abuse where the goal is to strip a woman of her memory, dignity and pride, to make her small, dependent and unsure of herself. Small dependent and unsure of herself. This erasure isn't loud, but it is lethal to a woman's sense of self. So, going to the next segment, why don't the women leave this relationship, you might ask. Why doesn't she just leave? But what if leaving means going from a mansion to a shelter, from marble floors to bunk beds with strangers, from safety cameras and grocery delivery to a life of survival mode? What if she's ashamed to admit abuse while wearing pearls and pushing a stroller through her gated neighborhood? Living isn't always safe and sometimes the prison has chandeliers. So she stays, she documents, she gets quieter, she starts planning. She's not stupid, she's strategic. So in the last segment here I discuss what you must know. So if you out there are in this kind of situation or love somebody who is here's what you need to know.
Dr Bola Sogade:Delusional jealousy is real and it often targets unlikely people pastors, cousins, old teachers because it's not about logic, it's about control. Sleep behavior that results in harm is not benign. Sleep behavior that results in harm is not benign. If your partner hurts you in his sleep, presses your eyes, restrains you or scares you, that must be investigated by a doctor and a therapist. You are allowed to remember your childhood. No one gets to rewrite your story or to make you feel small, and being on a pause because you just had a baby, for instance, does not mean you are no longer powerful. Stepping back from work does not cancel your career, your brilliance or your worth.
Dr Bola Sogade:So in closing, paranoia, accusations, rewriting your identity, harming you and then calling it a dream, these are not normal, they are not romantic and they are not safe. These are warning signs. If you are in a relationship where love feels like surveillance, where sleep feels like threat, where peace feels impossible, first of all, please know you are not crazy, you are not alone and you don't have to shrink to be safe. Call the National Domestic Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE, that is, 1-800-799-7233. Talk to your doctor, like some of the ladies have talked to me, and we have a plan. Tell a friend your life, your real, beautiful, whole life, is not up for debate. Thank you for joining me on this episode of CocoaPods podcast. Until next time, stay safe, stay sane and stay supported.
