Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Hey , what's up everybody ? Hey , everyone , we're so glad that you're here for another edition of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . Sweetheart , you look absolutely amazing today .
Speaker 2Thank you , babe .
Speaker 1You look energetic , full of life , ready to go .
Speaker 2I am ready to go .
Speaker 1I love your hair as well . Your hair is growing back nicely after , and you're about to celebrate two years of being cancer-free . I am Come on somebody . How does that feel ?
Speaker 2It feels great . It's just all of the adjustments . Like you said , my hair . I've never had short hair before and so I don't know what to do with it , but I'm finding out creative ways , things to do , and I don't know . I'm just enjoying life .
Speaker 1I believe you are beautiful , you look beautiful and are doing so well Thank you . Thanks for tuning in . If you're new to our podcast and our show , welcome . We call this Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha because we want to be able to do life with you . We don't claim to be experts in anything , but after 24 years of marriage and 20 plus years of ministry , we've learned a lot about what not to do .
Speaker 2Come on .
Speaker 1We've learned some things about what to do , but we've learned more what not to do , and so Doing Life with us is us just giving you the real , the raw and the relevant to hopefully help you grow closer to God and also the people that God has placed in your life . If you enjoy our show , make sure that you hit the subscribe button so you can be the first to get the content . Every Thursday at 3 pm , and I wanted to take a moment . Today we're going to talk about blame shifting , and the episode is called the Dangers of Blameshifting .
Speaker 1And this is a must hear , must share episode , because many marriages are being damaged because of blame shifting and many relationships are being ended because of blame shifting . But before I get there , I wanted to take a moment just to invite our audience out to a live conference . And so every year in October , the second week in October , we have a special conference that we call a live conference . And this is what we say that these three days could change the next 30 years of your life . Our goal is to try to give people at least four times the amount that they invested in a ticket . We're going to have seven main sessions this year , six master classes , three after parties , but one encounter with God .
Speaker 1And I believe that one encounter with God is what it's all about .
Speaker 2It's so good , ac 23 . You know there are certain things that we do every year , like as believers , like I fast , I do like major fast a couple of times a year . You know , sometimes there's certain books of the Bible I'll study . You know there's a word of the year . But then something else that we do every year and that is a conference . Ac 23 is that conference . It's that encounter , like you're saying , where you just like Wednesday , thursday , friday , all day , every day , you are like enveloped in the presence of God , just daring to go beyond your own personal boundaries . It is amazing .
Speaker 1And we're going to be doing a special session on marriage . There it's going to be Ken and Tabitha . I think we're calling it unfiltered .
Speaker 2And so you really , what is that ? Like you gotta come , we're already unfiltered .
Speaker 1If you're interested with getting more information about our conference , check out the website mylifechurchorg , and you can also check it out in the show notes . I think there's a link to that as well . You gotta get your tickets now , cause it is going to be a sold out event , so let's begin today . Are you ready ? I'm ready , all right . Today's episode is entitled the dangers of blame shifting . How would you define blame shifting ?
Speaker 2Well , that's funny . I don't know if I've ever thought about that word before blame shifting , but , or the two words . But I would define it as like when you , when you are guilty , let's say but you change , you shift the focus off of yourself and onto someone else and what they did Like our kids do it all the time , like they all have responsibilities to do in the house and one will come down and I say , hey , you didn't do the dishes . And they don't say , oh , my bad , I'm sorry , I'll get better at that . They say , but they didn't sweep the floor and they didn't put the dishes away . And it's like , okay , but what does that have to do with you not doing your part ?
Speaker 1Okay , you went off , that's blame shifting . All right , the volume that you went to is almost like this happened this morning , or something .
Speaker 2It happens every day .
Speaker 1Yeah , our children are natural blame shifters . They just don't know how to take responsibility . But many times children of God are the same way , or just even adults shift blame all the time . And so I give a classical definition it is a defense mechanism where one person will avoid accountability for something they said or did and instead deflect the fault onto somebody else . And I think what sticks out to me is that they deflect the fault onto somebody else and so simply put deflect . They deflect responsibility and they do not take responsibility . They reflect responsibility and they don't take accountability . You ever do that .
Speaker 2I think it's probably like my first response in . Everything is to like . Whose fault is this ?
Speaker 1That's nice of you to know where you are . No , I know , I know I do that On a scale of one to 10 , 10 being like a serial blame shifter , one being not existing at all .
Speaker 2Where would you say you are . It's hard for me to answer that Because if I would , it's almost like I would say , naturally , honestly , like naturally , without my redeemed spirit , my redeemed person . It's like a 10 . Like I am . If I stubbed my toe , I'm yelling at the couch . How dare you be in my way , move out of the way . Like I'm like a 10 , okay , because it's not my fault that I ran into the couch .
Speaker 1The couch shouldn't have been in my way . Why are you like that ?
Speaker 2I don't know . I really I don't know . I don't know why I'm like that , some part of my personality or whatever . But I will say , because I know that about myself I do . I'll bring it down Like immediately . There's like an immediate what are they ? What do you call it ? A governor ? Like there's an immediate , like check on myself in like 99% of the time , I'm immediately checking myself on that .
Speaker 1Okay , and so with your redeemed self , meaning that you've submitted your life to Jesus ? Now , on a scale of one to 10 , where would you say you are On that ?
Speaker 2I would say . I would say I'm a four . Okay okay , I'd say I'm a four .
Speaker 1Well , that's a big jump with Jesus . I'm thinking you're more like a six or seven still , Really . Yeah , I really think you're like a six or seven because I've lived with you for a long time and it's not even that you're like trying to shift responsibility . You're just looking for who's at fault here .
Speaker 2But when you say six or seven , do you mean that ? Do I act on it ? You're saying like a , because what you're saying is 60 to 70% of the time when I have the opportunity . I'm gonna blame someone .
Speaker 1Yeah , you're looking to point the finger at someone . I mean you want somebody to be responsible , somebody . You know what I'm saying .
Speaker 2It's not like well , it just happened , it's okay .
Speaker 1No , you're looking for someone .
Speaker 2Yeah , I mean , I get it . I understand I do feel like that , I would say 100% of the time , but I don't act like I know that , so I'm not going to put the blame on someone .
Speaker 1All right , let's move the conversation then to me .
Speaker 2Scala one to 10 . 100, . No , I'm just , I'm just mad at you for telling me I was 67 .
Speaker 1That's not 100, . 100 is one to 10 , one to 10 , where am I ?
Speaker 2Okay , I'll say a five . A five yeah .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2You really don't . That's not your personality .
Speaker 1You don't really look to blame people .
Speaker 2You know , I don't know , you're really cool , calm , laid back . I would say one thing about my personality is I'm kind of like I don't like injustices . I'm going to fight for the underdog . I don't like people . If you feel like and maybe part of my background is , I dealt with a lot of racism in my childhood . I dealt with a lot of neglect , rejection , born into like race and poverty and things like that , and I grew up with people putting me in a box and I hated that and I felt like I had to fight my way out of that box and I'm also a fighter and so I think part of that there's a good side of that . But the negative side is I'm like , hey , I'm looking to fight somebody on things , but you don't . That's not you . That's not your personality . I think you're more logical . You're not as emotional . You are very emotional , but we just express it in different ways . But I think you're more logical , maybe , and just more calm .
Speaker 1Okay so you would consider this a growth area . Maybe yes for me .
Speaker 2I think it might be for the rest of my life , something that I always work on .
Speaker 1But you know , what I would think I want our audience to know is that this is not just a growth area for you , it's probably a growth area for most everybody , that we can really start to take responsibility and accountability for a lot more , instead of blaming someone else . When people go through a foreclosure , they go through a bankruptcy . The husband blames the wife , the wife blames the husband . There are people who say , well , I cheated because you didn't do this , that and other . They always want to cheat blame .
Speaker 1No , you cheated because you're lustful . You're cheated because your flesh is gone wild . You cheated because you don't put God first in your sexuality . And instead of passing the blame , many times we do things because I was raised on this side of the tracks , or my dad wasn't there , or my mom wasn't there , or I never had a healthy marriage , and all of those things might be true , but they still don't give us an escape goat from the fact that we have to take responsibility and some accountability for all of our actions . This is one of those episodes where it's like grow up time , and I believe that when you get married , marriage is for mature people and it is grow up time . Anything come to your mind on that .
Speaker 2Oh , I just agree 100% .
Speaker 1I've had people who work for us do illegal things and unfortunately we have to have conversation to release them from their employment . But then we'll turn around and say , well , it was just , I was under too much pressure . Or turn around and say , well , I just don't like the way you released us , what you said to us , like you got fired . You got fired , but now instead of just saying , man , I was wrong , I shouldn't have done that , I was lying , cheating , stealing . I was doing what I shouldn't do . I accept full responsibility . The first reaction is to look for somebody else to blame .
Speaker 2Yeah , and I can speak to that
too . I think sometimes you know we do things and we feel justified in what we do , like you know . Well , if you knew it's like I know that was wrong , but if you knew the pressure that I was under , if you knew my past , if you knew how I felt in the moment , then you would you know it would be okay . Or you know , yes , I did it , but you know , don't throw rocks at me . Like you know , I'm okay and that's not necessarily right , but it is that human need to be like . This is why I did it .
Speaker 1I don't know . I think one of the foundations of growth is to locate where you are and to be self-aware enough to say I am where I am because of me . And yeah , you might've been abused , you might've been neglected , you might've been taken advantage of , you might've been abandoned , you might've went through hell and back , but the truth is is that you're either gonna take those lemons and make lemonade and move your life forward .
Speaker 1And so let's say for us right now , I haven't saved as much money as I would like to have saved by this age and this season of my life . I can't blame . Well , I was in ministry and I was given so much away and I was doing this and I was about other people . No , you just spent too much eating out . You just didn't handle your business . You just bought something when you probably should have saved it . And I think the foundation of all growth is locating , being self-aware and taking responsibility that I am where I am because of me .
Speaker 1But with the help of God , I can take step forward and I can do all things through Christ , who strengthens me .
Speaker 2You believe Totally . I think sometimes we get into when we're wrong and the blame is on us . We are to blame . We can fall into this hole that is never ending and you're just falling in this deep pit where you just feel like I'm so stupid , I'm so terrible , I'm the only one in the world that I've done this , and we get into this self-doubt , this self-hate , this self-everything , and it's really the enemy . We'll compile and pile all of that on top of us as well , and I think that's where we get trapped and we feel like we're the only one , you're not the only person who didn't save the way that you wanted to . How many other people ? That's everyone's story . Probably most people , and I think we just have to kind of realize that as well . That positive self-talk like recognizing okay , we are not perfect , we're going to make mistakes .
Speaker 1I feel like there's a balance and we're not harping and saying hey , when you're self-aware and you take responsibility , you're supposed to crap on yourself and be like , oh , I'm horrible , look at where I am . I'm the sole reason . That's not what we're saying . There is no condemnation to them that are in Christ Jesus . Many of us have been dealt a different hand than somebody else , like the side of the tracks that you were born on , with your dad dying when he was six years old .
Speaker 1And when you were six years old , certain people not being in your life , the molestation , the different things that you've been through , you were dealt a different set of cards than I was dealt , versus the person who's listening was dealt . And so it's not to say I want to be self-aware and now be self-aware that I'm this bad person . We ain't saying that at all , but what I'm saying is the opposite side is that there are so many people that have taken no responsibility because they just shift the blame to everybody else .
Speaker 1And it is hurting relationships , it is hurting people in the work environment and we just got to take responsibility .
Speaker 2We have to take responsibility , and one thing that I really don't like in blame shifting is that a lot of people will and this is it's not to bash anyone , because I was there myself A lot of people will take the victim mentality and they will blame it on . But I was abused , but this happened to me .
Speaker 1But you know , I'm black , I'm white , I'm yellow .
Speaker 2It's the victim mentality I'm an immigrant .
Speaker 1I was poor .
Speaker 2And we blame all of our problems and the situations that we and where we are in life . We blame our bad attitude on the victimhood or the victim mentality that we're in and we just can't do that because that is not gonna get us anywhere . If I took that approach in my life , I'd still be in the projects , I'd still be depressed , I'd still be fearful , because it doesn't get you anywhere . At one point you have to take responsibility and say , okay , what happened in my life was not fair , it's not my fault , but I'm gonna take responsibility from this moment on the part that I play .
Speaker 1Yes , the part that I play . Where do you feel like the blame game began ? Where did blame shifting ?
Speaker 2begin . Oh , you know where it began . Like my favorite book of the Bible , like I don't know .
Speaker 1You know where it began .
Speaker 2The first Genesis . Okay , the first three chapters of the Bible one , two and three . Like I could just live there .
Speaker 1I love Genesis . Yeah , can I read it for everybody ? Go ahead , genesis chapter three is really where the blame game began .
Speaker 2In the beginning .
Speaker 1Well , no , that's chapter
one , but three . In verse six it says when the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye and also desirable for gaining wisdom , she took some and ate of it . She also gave some to her husband , who was with her , and he ate it . Then the eyes of them both were open and they realized they were naked , and so they sold fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves . Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day , and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden . But the Lord called to the man where are you ? And he answered I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked . So I hid . And he said who told you you were naked ? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from ? And this is what the man said in verse number 12 .
Speaker 1The woman that you put here to be with me . She gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it . And the Lord God said to the woman what is this that you have done ? And then the woman said the serpent deceived me and I ate it . And so the blame shifting began . It was actually the first evidence of a fallen , broken , sinful world . The first fruit of sin was the passing of blame and the first thing that they did when God showed up , they could have repented . They could have said my bad . They could have said I missed the big time . What Adam did is he blamed the woman and what the woman did was blame the serpent . In the beginning we see the blame game began In Genesis , chapter three .
Speaker 2They could have apologized . I'm sorry , lord , you know what ? Now , being a parent , I'm thinking of God , the father right , his first two kids , adam and Eve . This is what I do every day in the kitchen . I got three , you know the two younger kids in the kitchen . Why didn't you do the dishes ? Well , he didn't sweep the floor . Well , she didn't finish the countertops . It's like this is what God had to deal with .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , like you still ain't answered the question , like why didn't you sleep the question ? It ain't about everything else .
Speaker 2So this is what our heavenly father deals with on a daily basis you know with us in our lives . But I love that . It's so funny that God went to Adam first and Adam didn't just blame the woman , but he blamed God .
Speaker 1The audacity of Adam .
Speaker 2The woman number one is her Number two , you that you gave me . Like , come on why , If you wouldn't have gave me this woman , I wouldn't have ate the fruit .
Speaker 1How many of us are blaming God for where we are ? Wow , I trusted you , god , but look where I am . I tithe , I gave to you , but look where I am Financially . I prayed for the sick , but they still died .
Speaker 2If I wasn't born into this family , if I didn't have this skin color , if I wasn't this body type , you know ?
Speaker 1And so here we see , this is what I call a classical . The classical beef between men and women began right after the fall in Genesis , chapter three . The man blames his wife , and the principle is that we've been blaming each other ever since , and we see the feud between men and women play out all over the place .
Speaker 1You know some of our most talked about podcast and clips that we release and , of course , this podcast is our long media . We put short media things on Instagram and TikTok to kind of lead people to our long media . So if you found us , we've been praying for people like you . We don't believe you're here by an accident , but sometimes we put out short media things and whenever we talk about men versus women , or women versus men .
Speaker 1That thing goes through the roof with , and it's so vile and so people get so aggressive with it . I think one of our top videos is five things that every man needs to know about a woman and five things that every woman needs to know about a man , and in that segment we drop in jewels . But unfortunately , if we put out just short segments of that on social media , people won't even hear the jewels , they won't hear the wisdom , they won't hear the life . They will look at you .
Speaker 1There was one clip that you did where you were basically just talking out of Genesis two and you said that when God spoke the command not to eat of the tree of knowledge , he spoke it to Adam . And if you look at it , in Genesis 2.16 , god gave Adam that command before Eve was even created . And so in Genesis three , when Eve disobeyed God , we never saw God give the command directly to Eve . So we can assume that she might have heard about it from God , maybe she might have heard about it from her husband , maybe , but she even added to it something that God had never said . So you were just making a point that , hey , god gave the command to Adam , and so the segment was just about the responsibility for husbands to be spiritual leaders in the home to be the head to lead their wives' world .
Speaker 1Well , and when Eve brought Adam the fruit and disobeyed God , adam should have knocked it out of her hand and said no sweetheart , we ain't gonna disobey God . God told me even before you were here , not to eat of this tree .
Speaker 2Get that fruit out your mouth .
Speaker 1But because he wasn't a spiritual leader , he went and he obeyed his wife more than obeying God . And so when God shows up that we just read in Genesis three the first thing God says is where's Adam , Where's the man , the one that I gave the command ? So basically , you were on a clip just saying that fact
. People didn't even listen to the abundance of revelation . They couldn't even hear it because it was just a woman speaking to the fault of a man .
Speaker 1All they could hear was that women were passing the blame to a man and all the men and all the women could hear was the opposite , and they don't understand that the contention that we face as man versus woman , husband versus wives , is not a natural thing . It goes all the way back to Genesis , chapter three , number 12 , when the blame game began . And what we have to do is stop blaming each other and saying husband and wife , we're a team , and I gotta be humble enough to say you know what I haven't been leading well , and you gotta be humble enough to say you know what I need you to lead me well .
Speaker 1And then we can be accountable and responsible for our part , so we can be who God's called us to be . Come on somebody .
Speaker 2It's just like Come into that . I think , in the end , what does it matter ? Who's the blame , the man or the woman ? Does it really matter ? Cause we both lose in the end . You know what I mean ? It's not . I think . Adam had the chance to say my bad , I take responsibility . Eve had the chance to say my God , don't blame him . I gave it to him , I brought it to him , like , but no one did that , which is our point today , right right when I hear you say that .
Speaker 1I also hear you say you said that . What did you say ? That we can't blame each other . Really , the blame is on the enemy , and so there's a scripture that says we don't wrestle against flesh and blood . Husband and wife , y'all need to stop it . Y'all need to stop fighting each other and get on the same team and fight the devil , for he is the author of the confusion . He's the one that loves the generational curse of divorce . He's the one that loves you all to be separated . He's the one that loves it when you call each other out your name . He loves it when you throw dishes . He loves it when you weaponize sex . He loves it when you don't know how to communicate your deep feelings . He loves it when you shut down and give people the silent treatment . Satan is sitting wherever Satan sits and he is just looking at how you carry yourself and laughing because you're blaming each other when you should be blaming him .
Speaker 2And that's good , because Adam and Eve , they did not recognize the enemy . They didn't recognize the serpent as the enemy . Even when Eve blamed the serpent , she didn't really recognize him as the enemy . She just say he made me do it . But if Adam and Eve could have came together and been like hold up , who is this , who is this snake , who is this serpent talking to me , telling me things against what my father told me ? That's what you're talking about in marriage , when husband and wife can grab hands and look at each other in the eye and be like hold up , who's the real enemy in this situation , you start pointing to Satan . Then you're gonna see things change .
Speaker 1We had to do this many years ago , so we've been married for 24 years , always joking say it's been the best 22 years of our lives , cause the first two years was absolutely horrible . I was mean and selfish and unfaithful and you were having diagnosed depressed at that point for like 10 years , I believe , and so we had to do that . We had to lock hands and say we're gonna put God first in our family . We're gonna be humble enough to apologize to one another . We're gonna be humble enough to be kind to one another .
Speaker 1And we're going to have a common enemy . And it is the devil , for he is the author of confusion . And the thief comes to steal , kill and destroy . He's stolen two years . We're not gonna let him steal the next 22 . And I think that every couple can make that decision that we're not enemies . We didn't go to God's altar . You didn't take my last name to fight me the rest of my life and to be angry with me . I know you're not my enemy .
Speaker 2You love me .
Speaker 1You believe in me . But I think what people don't understand about marriage is that marriage is such an inter court relationship that you don't just see me like everybody else sees me , as a podcaster and a pastor and a speaker .
Speaker 1You see the private areas of my life the things that I struggle with , and so real love is the ability to see the inner idiosyncrasies of your spouse , but love them anyway . It's kind of how the scripture says that love covers a multitude of sins . Love covers your idiosyncrasies . Love covers your personality differences . Love covers your faults . It covers your trauma . It covers your past . Love , I gotta love you beyond that .
Speaker 1And I think that when a husband and wife sees their spouse how God sees them . See , I'm able to look past your bad days because I know who you are and I think a lot of people they get married but then they forget who they married and it's almost like you would rather tear that person down than build them up . But you don't understand that when the two become one , you're only tearing down yourself . So when you tear down your spouse , you're actually tearing down your own life .
Speaker 2Wow , that's really good .
Speaker 1That's all you can say is well . I have actually there's like 10 things that I wanna say about that , but I'm like which one do I pick ?
Speaker 2But , honestly , I wanna pick this one . Like when we get married , it's almost like sometimes we can marry this image . You know , like we're marrying this image of a person , but we have to remember that every person , even the best person in the world , the most handsome , beautiful , the smartest , whatever you got all your stuff together . That's why we're marrying you . You know you're so fabulous , but even that person has flaws , imperfections . They're human . You know they have times when they're on the toilet all the day . They have , you know , all day long because they ate something bad . There's times when their head hurts or , you know , they have morning breath . They are human beings and I think that once we get married , oh , you're gonna see how human he or she really is . Right .
Speaker 2And that person , if you have a weak spot , if you have some buttons that you don't like people to push or toes that you don't like people to step on , guarantee they are gonna step on every toe . They're gonna push every button . They're gonna come into every area that you don't you wanna keep private . And that's not because there's something wrong with them . All they are doing is bringing out the best in you . They're going to challenge you . God really called you to be and make you be better .
Speaker 1Wow . So what I hear this is what I'm hearing is that marriage is a magnifier and marriage is also a multiplier . Marriage is a magnifier meaning that it magnifies what's really in you , and there's a lot of people that think that they stuff don't stink until they get married . Then , all of a sudden , that selfishness comes out .
Speaker 2That's how I can't tell you how many times I'll be doing something . You be like hey Tab , you know . I noticed that you've been acting kind of , you know not nice . You're not ready for that you will call it out .
Speaker 1Marriage is a magnifying glass on your insufficiency ? Yeah , but hopefully to bring them to the surface so that you can deal with them .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1Marriage is also a multiplier because it will multiply who you are . Or I could even say marriage is a mature because it will mature who you are . And so there are some single people that man , they got no problems because it's all about them , you know . And marriage is one of them things where you die to self and it's not all about you , it's all about the other person . And that transition is a crazy one If you don't develop the fruit of the spirit . But anyway . So I really feel led just to say this to men who are watching Please share this with your husband's boyfriends , uncles , whoever is a man . Man , it's time for you to lead , and you cannot lead if you are always passing blame on the people on the team . Yeah , and at some place , man of God , you have to realize that you're the head coach , and head coach's responsibility is to take the personalities of all the star players that you have , your wife and your kids , and win championships . And what happens if the locker room gets toxic ?
Speaker 1Well , they might put up with it for two or three years , but at a certain point the blame goes to the head coach and there are some men that are like well , my wife is just so hard to lead and she doesn't listen to me , and women , they just don't listen and she don't do this and she don't . Oh , maybe , maybe , or maybe you just don't lead . Well , you know , maybe that's true . But see , sometimes we got to stop pointing the finger , because that's all that blame shifting does . It's basically finger pointing . It's basically blame shifting .
Speaker 1It's basically saying I don't want that responsibility . It's because she don't listen to me . She don't , she's stubborn , she's not submitted , maybe . But I'm not talking about that right now . I'll let you talk to the women I would like to talk about that .
Speaker 2You want to talk about it ?
Speaker 1now Very , very , very briefly .
Speaker 2So if you are a wife and you feel like your husband is not leading , I want to give you the challenge and ask the Lord to help you with this . Ask yourself am I allowing him to lead or am I making it difficult for him to lead ? If so , lord , show me how I'm making it difficult for him to lead . And I can say it because in my there's times in our marriage that I make it difficult for you to lead and I know it because you will tell me .
Speaker 2Well and it makes me angry when you tell me , but each time , each time , I will go to the Lord and ask him OK , how can I shift , how can I just OK ? Just sometimes for me it's like , girl , just calm down , it's not even that important , just let him handle it , it's OK . It's OK yeah .
Speaker 1Yeah . Well , back to the man . I would say for the man that , yeah , as a head coach , I cannot blame my point guard , my shooting guard or my small forward . We just had a coach he just got let go of depending on when you watch this but he just got let go and he released a clip saying that one of his star players is really hard to lead and it's everywhere and even though it's true , there's a percentage of that , that's yeah , you got to figure out how to lead all of these personalities .
Speaker 1That's what head coaches do , that's what a husband does , and we're going to be here , doing life with you , to help you learn the principles of leadership praise God , all right .
Speaker 1And so blame shifting leads to accusations , disgust , frustration , defensiveness , division and , ultimately , the breakdown of relationships . And so we have to get out of the blame shifting . Every relationship ends when it ends it normally ends with blame . So every divorce ends with somebody blaming somebody . Every breakup ends with somebody blaming somebody .
Speaker 1I cheated on you because you abused you . Because of you , we didn't have sex a lot . Because of you . Wow , I lost my job because of you and we needed to change that to . I abused you because I was abused and there's a little boy inside of me still .
Speaker 1That's fearful , and I take out my frustration by the spirit of fear , by trying to control you instead of lead you . We have to take responsibility and say I cheated on you because not because you were too heavy , not because you're ugly , not because you didn't give me . I cheated on you because my flesh is stronger than my spirit . I cheated on you because my relationship with God is not where I want it to be , and I thought the grass was green on the other side . We haven't been having sex a lot because I'm more concerned about meeting my needs than your needs . I've weaponized sex . I'm not giving you none to teach you a lesson . I'm really not into it like that and I have not went to the doctors to check my hormones and my levels to make sure that I'm ready for it . We gotta take responsibility .
Speaker 1I lost my job because people are like , well , I lost my job because they just , michael , managed me . No , you lost your job because you were late . You lost your job because you wasn't adding value to the team . You lost your job because your attitude is bad and you bring all of your personal business to the workplace and we gotta have a counseling session to deal with you . And I think there's something liberating and powerful about a person that says you know what you talking about me . That was me , I take responsibility and I wanna quit blaming everybody else .
Speaker 2I think when you do that , when you raise your hand and say that's me , and I do it all the time , it's like having a balloon , you know , like you just kind of take a pin and pop that balloon and all the pressure goes and it's just like it just feels almost liberating to be like , yeah , that's me , and it just allows you to just kind of relax and deal with what you need to deal with .
Speaker 1I just had a conversation with someone who was just having a problem at the workplace and they just told me you know what ? I just feel like I'm being micromanaged and I just feel like when I come into work and I'm a little bit late , somebody will sarcastically say to me hey , you're being late and really they were just blaming that organization for what they were going through . And I sat back and , just as a mirror , I gave back to them . Maybe it's not micromanagement , maybe it's mentorship , maybe you're new to the job , maybe you really don't know what you're doing yet and they're just trying to help you , coach you along and you want to just be like , let me just do it . Nobody wants you just to go out and wreck the bus . You need some training
.
Speaker 1Maybe it wasn't somebody being sarcastic , maybe you're 10 minutes late . How about being 10 minutes early ? Then nobody has to say anything to you ? Instead of just passing the blame and saying , well , I'm late , I'm just a little bit late , no , I do . Wouldn't you just say , hey , why don't I set an example and be five minutes early and be 10 minutes early ? Maybe it wasn't sarcasm , maybe that leader or that supervisor is just trying to joke so they don't have to write you up and sit you down . Maybe you got everybody on pins and needles because everybody else is on time , but you don't want to be on time and , instead of passing the blame , take some responsibility . I hear you , you hear me , let's do it . How do we overcome blame shifting ? Are you ready , audience , are you ready ? Let us know in the comments if you've been blessed by this today .
Speaker 2How do we do this ?
Speaker 1Number one . You got to make a choice that you don't want to blame shift any longer . Your will is a powerful thing . You have to make the choice . I don't want to be a blame shifter Anything you want to talk about on that one .
Speaker 2Yeah , I think again . Like I already said , if you know that about yourself and most people do this at one point in time but if you are a person like me and that's like your first go to is to blame someone else , just ask the Lord to help you with it . Like God , help me to recognize when I'm blaming someone else and not taking responsibility for myself , because it only hurts you , it only hurts myself , it will impede my growth . I won't be able to grow spiritually soulishly . I don't want to just be some bozo blaming everybody else .
Speaker 1Well , I'm going to pray that grace over you .
Speaker 2Come on , I receive it . You make that choice .
Speaker 1Because there are some times that I can tell it's in your attitude . You will come down upset . I mean you just woke up . You come into the kitchen and you're looking at the dishes , looking who to blame , You're looking at the floor .
Speaker 2I had crumbs underneath my feet .
Speaker 1You're looking at the refrigerator looking who to blame . You're looking at the shoes , looking who to blame . I'm like good morning and it's just that blame shifting so on . Today , with an international audience , tabitha is making a decision that she will choose not to blame shift anymore . Why you gonna leave me hanging ?
Speaker 2Because I'm doing what people do when they blame shift .
Speaker 1You blame shift .
Speaker 2I need you to know why I feel like that . I feel injustice .
Speaker 1Yeah , I'll tell you why you got a 12 , a 13 year old , 18 year old and more , and you all over the place . It's gonna be dirty , sometimes there's gonna be some crumbs left out . Sometimes we hear you . We just don't need you to beat it out of us . Praise God . Number two how do we overcome blame shifting ? Ask the Holy Spirit , sweetheart , to help you identify when you are blame shifting and stop it , for this step is self awareness , and the Holy Spirit will always and he's a perfect gentleman you blame shifting . You know that's not what you're doing . You're creating contention , you're creating an atmosphere that's hard to live with Anything on that one .
Speaker 2No , it's good right there . I just felt like when you were saying that , I was hearing like there are some people who never they blame shift all the time but they never even heard the word . You know like I do it all the time but I never put it in that phrase blame shifting . I just say blame , point the finger or whatever .
Speaker 1Yeah , I didn't get this because of you . I got this because I see this generation and you're not that bad . No one's taking responsibility , oh man , this younger generation coming up is like trying to pass the blame to everybody else other than taking it , and it's so dangerous .
Speaker 2But what I was saying was that there are some people listening to this now and the Holy Spirit is going to do just that your blame shifting , and it's going to be . He's gonna be a perfect gentleman , he's not gonna make you angry or anything , but it's just gonna be this word of wisdom and you're just gonna be like okay , and you're gonna adjust .
Speaker 1Yeah , Number three would be be empathetic to those you are looking to pass the blame on . Put yourself in their shoes and in their position . What would you do if you were them ?
Speaker 2Yeah .
Speaker 1And I think many times , if I use the example of the person having a problem with their supervisor , what is your supervisor going through ? What do they feel ? Trying to lead somebody who's always late when the rest of the team is always on time ? I know you would rather work from home , I know you have your own thing , but that's not you signed up to be a part of a team .
Speaker 1Yeah , or , to use your example , coming in the kitchen Well , if dishes are left out , who stayed up late , who got up early ? Is everybody feeling okay ? I don't know . I just feel like empathy is so important because it just brings the intensity off of the blame shifting , like there's a reason why those things are happening , yeah , and like let's just calm down and just think about other people .
Speaker 2Most people aren't waking up trying to ruin your day , right ? You know they're not waking up like how can I make them frustrated today ? You know they just they have their own lives and their own situations they're going through .
Speaker 1I don't know as a parent or as a mother , I think that it feels well . Let me just say as a parent . It feels like you just say the same thing over and over .
Speaker 1Like can you put away your shoes ? Can you put away your shoes , can you ? And after a while we'll put away your shoes . You know , it's like God , no , we're like . Nobody listens until you go off . And so it's maybe we'll do a whole nother podcast of how do you deal with that emotion . And I think that's where the blame shifting happens , because you're probably looking at it like , okay , here we go again .
Speaker 1How many times do I gotta tell you , do I gotta draw you a roadmap to something that's so simple ? And the other side is like , well , we're just living , we're just , we're gonna make some mistakes , we're not gonna be perfect at it . What bothers you , doesn't bother another person .
Speaker 2But there's some situations in life though and this is what I tell myself there's some situations that , like you , are just not going to be able to change it , so you better learn to deal with it . You better learn how to cash their cares to the Lord . You better learn how to do a praise dance . Talk positively to yourself . Like I get angry in traffic and that's what I do in traffic I blame , like man , if you wouldn't have been going so slow .
Speaker 1I would have made it through the light If you wouldn't have gotten such a crazy driver .
Speaker 2I wouldn't have been sitting here right now with 10 cars Like that's . All I do is blame people in traffic , but I cannot and will not ever change traffic . People are going to drive slow . They're going to . I cannot stand it when I am behind a slow driver and I can see them looking down on their cell phone while they are driving . It's like if I were police officer . I wish that I had a badge so I could pull you over right now because it is wrong Anyway .
Speaker 1I'm laughing because the amount of emotional energy over something that you cannot change .
Speaker 2That's the energy that we put into dumb things between husband and wife and marriages . We put that kind of energy into it , but it's dumb . I will not change other people's driving . There's nothing I can do about it , and so , unless I want to be frustrated all day , every day , when I'm on the road driving , I better change me , not other people .
Speaker 1You're preaching real good , but the reason that I'm laughing is that I don't look at you as the best driver ever .
Speaker 2Hey .
Speaker 1And I know you're about to say something , but listen . So it's funny that the what is this saying ? That the the pots calling the kettle black . It's almost like you're so mad at these drivers .
Speaker 2but somebody be so mad at you though .
Speaker 1Think about the number of people that's trying to run you off the road or beep at you and get mad at you . But and that's what I'm saying , that's what blame shifting is it's almost like you left your shoes out , but you left this out , like nobody's perfect . It's like you know , and that's what I'm saying with empathy . It's like , okay , all the drivers like have you ever done something dumb in traffic ? We all have . So it's like calm all that down , we got to move on .
Speaker 2Now that you say that there has been quite a few instances where people have tried to literally run me off the road .
Speaker 1Yes , wow , yes , like we had an instance , where a person like literally got road rage with you and ran into the side of our car On the Point Road Wilson Bridge Going between Virginia and . Maryland and you had to tell that person .
Speaker 2I chased them down . Chased them down and took their license plates to come back and took their license plate called the police , and then they went and somehow repainted their car .
Speaker 1They repainted their car . So when the police came they was like we don't know what you're talking about . No , we wasn't on the Woodrow Wilson Bridge , but they were so mad at you that they tried to ram you off the road . And ram , it's just crazy . But I got to move on , but I was innocent .
Speaker 2I don't even know what I did 100% .
Speaker 1It's just that's the thing . People are mad , and so number four would be follow the 50-50 rule . Assume that with all contentions , you're 50% responsible . Blame loves to put 100% of the onus on another person , but the 50-50 rule says that , whatever goes down , I have a part to play , and let's just assume I'm 50% the blame . I think when you practice the 50-50 rule , it takes us the contention out the air , and I'll give you the last one . Number five is become a person that's willing to take responsibility and be accountable . You just have to be willing to be that person . I think that today's podcast was life changing for you . Oh , my goodness , I pray that it was life changing for our audience . I know that I am a five on a scale of one to 10 . I'm gonna try to step to at least the four after today , but no .
Speaker 2I think Aren't we about to do an episode on pride .
Speaker 1Probably so .
Speaker 2Yeah , we'll see where you're right on that one .
Speaker 1But , yeah , we pray that today really blesses your marriage , and not just your marriage , but those of you all who are single you need this at the workplace . And those of you all who are a part of a team you need this with people in general . Let's take accountability , let's take responsibility and stop the blame shifting . Stop the blame . We are out of time for today . Hope you enjoyed today's show . If you did , please make sure that you like comment , share with somebody else . Also , leave a review if you enjoyed today . We love hearing from you guys . Our email address is in our show notes . Every once in a while we'll do a segment called Ask Ken in Tabitha , where we just go through your questions .
Speaker 1We don't even read them , we just go through them raw because we want our segments to be raw and real and relevant . But just know that we love you guys . We're praying for you . We're so excited that you have chosen to do life with us . If you're new to our podcast , hit the subscribe button or hit the download button so you can be the first to get the new content when it's released , every Thursday at 3 pm . And don't forget , a live conference y'all coming up the second week of October , ac 23, . We wanna see you here . You can grab hold of your ticket right now , before they sell out , and we love you guys . We will see you next week on Doing Life with Ken in Tabitha Peace .