Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Hello , hello , hello .
Speaker 2Hey everyone .
Speaker 1Man , we are pumped that we're back again for another episode of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We're your host , I'm Ken and this is Tabitha .
Speaker 2We've been married for 24 years .
Speaker 1We always joke and say it's been the best 22 years of our lives , that's right . First two years was absolutely horrible .
Speaker 2But we got it together .
Speaker 1We got it together . You're a whole lot better than what you used to be , and me as well , and so now we love to share the good , the bad and the ugly with our audience , and what we've learned is that everyone needs a mentor . Everybody needs somebody to learn from , and really it's not just our successes that we like to teach . It's a lot of our failures and our dumb stuff .
Speaker 2Come on , yes .
Speaker 1Because you can really learn what not to do , and so we're pumped up that you are here with us today .
Speaker 2Absolutely , and we just say thank you . Thank you for being a part of Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so glad that you are just even tuning in to listen to what we have to say . We always pray that God just uses our lives to be a blessing to other people , so we just pray that you're being blessed by this .
Speaker 1And if this has been a blessing to you , please let us know . You can write a review . You can also send us an email , your encouragement , your prayers it really means the world to us . Now . Tabitha is all in one piece . Y'all she's in one piece .
Speaker 2And why do you say that ?
Speaker 1Because she recently dropped our oldest daughter off at college . She is attending Earl Robert University on a full track and cross-country scholarship . And you did good I did . I was concerned about you .
Speaker 2I was concerned about myself , you know , because I was having flashbacks to when , when she was in fifth grade . Ok , she went . Hannah , she's our firstborn she went to a fifth grade camping trip .
Speaker 1In Georgia .
Speaker 2In Georgia and we're in Florida , so this was like a five-hour drive . I drove her there and I dropped her off and like I didn't have a panic attack , really , but I felt like I was having a panic attack . I was crying . I called him . He wasn't there when he picked up the phone . Guess where he was ? Do you remember where you were ? I have no clue . You were in the spa about to get a massage and I'm freaking out on the other line and you're like Tab , she's going to be .
Speaker 1OK , well , already we can tell who freaks out and who cheers out . Yeah , I try to chill out , not freak out . But I'm proud of you though , because you didn't break down , you did good , I didn't , you didn't cry . It actually was a joyous occasion .
Speaker 2It was good , but you know what I learned ? Because I was praying about it a whole lot seriously , because I had a stomach ache the whole time Hannah was gone in fifth grade . I was like Lord , I'm not going to do this again . And I heard people say it's so hard , it's so hard . But I really spent time with the Lord , and the Lord showed me a different perspective , and that perspective is this it's just like OK , so why would I feel bad about her going to college ? She's where she should be , she's on scholarship , she's surrounded by great people , she's in a safe environment . I would be sad if she didn't go to college , if she didn't want to do anything , if she were at home on my couch making wrong decisions . That's what you want to be sad about . This was something to celebrate and I did very well .
Speaker 1Hey . So for all of you guys who have kids that are going off to college , you are going to make it . Tabitha is a witness .
Speaker 2If I can do it , you can do it . Those of you ?
Speaker 1who have smaller kids . Your day's coming , and it's actually coming sooner than you think , sooner than you think . People always used to say hey , man , this is going to go by so fast . And it did . I can still remember the day she was born and pulling her out of you or helping pull her out of you . I don't know why they had me do so much at the hospital . I'd be like can you ? They say , can you cut the imbilical cord ? What ? I don't have training for that .
Speaker 2I didn't want to school .
Speaker 1for that Don't give me scissors .
Speaker 2I personally didn't want you anywhere down near that side of the table .
Speaker 1No , she wasn't coming out easy . So they put a little suction cup on her head and I remember her hair and it kind of just pulled her out and just to see , 18 years later , she's such an awesome human being and woman of God . And so we're pumped , guys , we're here with you . She's not crying , I'm not crying , we are filled with the joy of the Lord . That's right .
Speaker 1And today we have some great things to share with you . Today's episode is entitled Three Questions that you Must Ask Before Marriage Three questions that you must ask before marriage , and this is the episode that you want to share with all of your family and friends , people that are single around the world . I hope this will be a lifeline to you to make sure that you are asking the right questions . We say all the time go ahead .
Speaker 2No OK .
Speaker 1We've been married for 24 years . It's been the best 22 years of our lives , and the first two years was horrible . I had a plan to divorce her . We didn't talk , there was . I mean , I was shutting down . We were weaponizing sex All of the principles that we teach you do not do . I was doing those things and I think a lot of it is because we didn't ask the right questions before we got married . Now we got married when I was 21 years old and you were 23 . And so we got married young , and part of the reason why is because we wasn't living right but we didn't have a church . We didn't have mentorship .
Speaker 2We really didn't know better .
Speaker 1We didn't know any better , but I had a conviction , and that's what I hope people live by . I had a conviction that , ok , what we're doing is not right . I knew it . She got saved . She didn't know what she got saved as we started dating and I just felt like the Lord led me to say OK , it's time to get married .
Speaker 2And .
Speaker 1I remember when we first was telling people we're going to get married , they thought man , is she pregnant or something ? And I had to say no . I just felt like this is what God wants us to do . And it was 24 years later . It has been one of the best decisions I've ever made , but it also was really really hard in the beginning because we did not have community , we did not have church . We did not have an example and we did not know to ask the right questions .
Speaker 2Right , yeah , we were just young and , like you said , no mentors , nothing like that . But I just wanted to say this For those people who are already married and feel like , oh man , I did everything wrong , I didn't do this . Now I don't like the person I married , we're not compatible , all that stuff Like , all of that doesn't mean anything Because , like you said , the first two years were terrible for us , but for the last 22 years we have been living the best life . I love you , you love me , I like you and you like me . We were able to turn it all around Once we found out the right thing , we did it .
Speaker 1Turn it around , open the windows of heaven , pour out a blessing .
Speaker 2I would try to join in , but I don't feel like it's going to come out .
Speaker 1That's what we're starting our next podcast with you singing . That's what the people need to hear , but anyway , we didn't have premarital counseling . My uncle married us and he's a pastor . Back then he was an associate pastor and man such a godly man I love him , I love him .
Speaker 1And he was the one I asked to do our marriage . But because we lived in different cities and I didn't really go to his church , he said hey , I'm gonna give you some premarital counseling . And his premarital counseling was when was it ? Was it like the day before the wedding ?
Speaker 2I think , so I can't remember .
Speaker 1it was so long ago , but it feels like it was the day before the wedding and it was like a one hour if that , or 30 minute if that , a 15 minute blitz .
Speaker 2But you know , I don't know what he said , I don't know what the man said . I remember one thing that he said and it's pertaining to like what we're talking about today . So he was giving wisdom .
Speaker 1I just couldn't hear it . I was still in the toilet . I couldn't hear it either .
Speaker 2I rebuked it all Because the one thing he said was she's going to gain weight and I was like , well , I rebuked . I didn't use those terms , he was pretty fast , but I was thinking like mm no , I am not gaining weight .
Speaker 1No , I am not .
Speaker 2And I was going to say look at me now . No , I definitely weigh more than I did then , but I was thinking like I am not gaining weight . Right , and he was right . Yeah , we go through changes .
Speaker 1But yeah , so for us it wasn't . Like you know , at our church we have like this elaborate premirital counseling that's like maybe 13 sessions long or 10 sessions long , or maybe you can hire , go to a therapist and they have like a couple of months of premirital counseling and that's very needed . I wouldn't tell anybody to get married nowadays without premirital counseling , and I feel like people do premirital counseling all wrong . They come to premirital counseling already to determine that this is the person they're going to marry . So it's almost like your premirital counseling is just let's just check this off the box that I did it .
Speaker 1And you're going through premirital counseling while you're online , or what kind of dress you're going to have , trying to look for a venue Like there is nothing about your premirital counseling , where you're giving God or yourself a chance to say is this really the ?
Speaker 2one .
Speaker 1And so we always teach people . Before you say I do you need to say do I ?
Speaker 2So it's like , as a believer , you should almost do premirital counseling before you pop the question . So , like you're talking . Hey , I think this is the direction we want to go . Do you want to do premirital counseling ? Let's decide . Let's really make sure that this is the right thing for us .
Speaker 1Okay , now that's a news flash to some , and we're not trying to rain on your parade , but going
forward . For those of you all who are single , our advice to you would be to wait until after premirital counseling to actually get engaged and pop the question , because going through premirital counseling , it's not for you to say I do , it's for you to say do I , do I ? And you can dig in to ask questions like how many kids do you want to have ? What's your credit score ? What's your sexual rhythm ?
Speaker 1you think Hopefully you're not having sex until you get married , but what do you think that's going to be ? Or you know what I'm saying . What is our relationship going to be like with the in-laws ? I mean , there's so many questions to ask , but I've kind of narrowed it down today . We've narrowed it down to three questions and we really believe , if you can ask these questions , these will save you a whole lot of drama . Okay , are you ready for these ? I'm ready . The three questions that you must ask before you say I do . Now . These questions are set up because they will prevent the damage and the divorce .
Speaker 1And here's the deal 50% of people who get married end in divorce , but 100% who get married think it's going to last forever . Maybe not 100% . Some people get married , like you know , and they got some demented stuff in their mind , whatever . But what I'm saying is that the majority of people who get married is like this is till death does its part . There's no need to get married if you don't believe that . But half of them actually have a future that's coming , that they don't see and they don't believe when they say I do . So how we enter into this covenant relationship and the questions that we ask is huge . These are the three game changes here . Are you ready ?
Speaker 1Let's go All right . Number one is can you handle me changing ? Can you handle me changing ? Number two is can you handle me not changing ? And number three is will you love me when you don't like me ? Okay , and we're going to break down each one of these .
Speaker 2So hold your horses . We're going to break down these I have questions .
Speaker 1You got questions about my question .
Speaker 2Yes , well , cause , I understand number three , but , like number one , tell me more .
Speaker 1Okay All right , can we break them down ? Can you handle me changing ?
Speaker 2Okay .
Speaker 1Now here's the facts the woman that I married at 23 is not the same woman at 33 and not the same woman at 43 and not the same woman at 53 .
Speaker 1Who you marry at 30 is not the same person that you're going to be with when they're 60 . And my concern is that people marry an image more than they do a real person , meaning that when we first got together I married an image your shape , your size , the needs that you met for me as a young man back then , not really taken into consideration the woman that you would become , how your figure would change , how you would change emotionally , spiritually and also physically . And so the question is can you handle me changing ? Because it's just like Uncle Greg said she's going to gain weight . That's not a prophylite over everybody , that's just saying she can , she's going to change .
Speaker 1Can your love go beyond the change that we both will endure ?
Speaker 2Yeah , I think you know to me it's a very fair question , but in my mind it's like , well , yes , of course I can handle you changing because I'm going to be changing . I hope it's changing the right direction .
Speaker 1Well , a lot of people have an irreconcilable difference because they change this way . They change a part , they don't change together and I think that's a whole nother podcast , because since we're all changing or we're all growing , how do we actually grow together ? Yes , but I think that many times our focus is so much on ourself and we don't think that that person's changing . So we give ourself grace , I'm going to change , but we really haven't taken into consideration . I'm going to just tell you back when .
Speaker 1I was 19 , 20 years old and I asked you to marry me . I didn't think , I didn't count the cost that you would change . I had no clue . I wasn't that foresighted . I was very short sighted .
Speaker 2Yeah , I think part of the change it's change , there's change and there's growth . You know what I mean Like growth is change and change is growth but it's just like there's so many things that I was when we were married that I am not now . You know what I mean , because I've grown out of them . For example , I'm no longer depressed , I'm no longer bound by fear , I'm no longer this kind of insecure person that I was .
Speaker 1But honestly , that could have been what attracted me to you a little bit . Right and even that , what you call growth is still something that I would have to adapt to .
Speaker 2Right .
Speaker 1Because when we first got together , I was used to taking care of everything . I helped you get your credits score straight . I helped you learn to drive . I helped you learn about restaurants . I would take you to places you never been on plane and you may have liked doing that . I might have liked doing that because I felt like I'm the man and I'm exposing you to the world and things you've never seen before .
Speaker 1But now you turn into this boss lady where you tell me what to do all the time and if I can't handle that change then I'm going to want to strangle you .
Speaker 2Come to find out there was a boss in there the whole time .
Speaker 1I did not know that I signed up to be ran around , that's not true .
Speaker 2Things change . So , like when we had kids , that's when a lot of things changed for us , you know . So I had to be like I couldn't do everything for you the way that I wanted to , so I had to be like Ken no , I need you to do this for me , and that's where the bossiness came in .
Speaker 1Anyway , but my question is still good . Can you handle me changing Now ? Let's take it from the physical aspect . And so you meet some , you get married when you're in your 20s and you like her because she has belly button shirt on and she wears a short skirt and she has high heels all the time . And then later on she realizes that that's not necessarily chastity and so she don't put her belly button out there . Her belly button's been stretched by these three big head babies . She pushed out or high heels now her feet , like they do tear your feet up or , like you know , wearing some . You know we used to call them Daisy Dukes .
Speaker 2What they call them nowadays Daisy Dukes , the little butt huggers , I don't know , I call them Hoochie Mama shorts , and the girls get so mad at me when I say that .
Speaker 1So , whatever that is , then you find out that's not appropriate . Now , if I can't handle you changing and this is where some men have a midlife crisis they wanna leave their wife of 25 years and marry someone and go be someone who's 25 and 30 , because they're living their life in the past , because they just couldn't handle the person they married changing . You understand what's relevant to this Can you handle me changing , but still love me .
Speaker 2Yeah , and that's the thing . It sounds like you're a butt head if you say no to that . You know what I mean . But it's really . It's true , because it's those little things where you can start to despise people If you won't really love them for who they are and what they bring to the table . Besides , you know , like what they look like . What they look like . I mean , I fell in love with you , not because you're unattractive to me , like you looked good , like I liked what you looked like . You know what I mean . I like the way you dress , all of that . Now , if all of a sudden you change and you're not giving your best for me anymore and now I don't like the way you dress and your beard's down to your knees and you don't brush your teeth , that's gonna be hard to deal with . It's gonna make me irritated
by you .
Speaker 1It leads me to a question then what do we do ? Because that happens to some people . Some people , man , they tighten their stuff up , man , they go to the gym to get married . I mean they be in planted fitness , I mean they be hooking it up . Then they get married . Five , 10 years go by and it's like they just don't gave up . And so I think , when you do a podcast on the importance of keeping yourself attractive , for your spouse and also for you , you know .
Speaker 1But I think about a woman let's make it equal opportunity who marries a guy because he has the six pack , you know , and he's so ambitious and he's the life of the party . 20 years , 30 years into the marriage , he has a keg and he is a stay home dad . Can you still love him ? Can you handle me ?
Speaker 2The question is because , how do you know ? Because these are the questions . The question is so , in premarital before you say I do how do we know what they're ? How can we predict ? How can we tell what our spouse is going to do ? Are they just gonna let themselves go or are they going to keep up with themselves ? I think there's some little hints and clues that we can find . So , for example , when we got married , I was always I was athletic , you were athletic , I was . I've been a runner my whole life . I would do , you know , miles a week . And , yes , I had babies . And I was also healthy . I was a vegetarian . I was an unhealthy vegetarian at the point at the time , but I did care about my health . I like to cook for myself and I like to just take care of my body . So that was part of the qualities . Like those probably aren't gonna go away , okay , you know . So I had babies . I gained 60 pounds with my first baby 60 pounds .
Speaker 1It was eating nothing but oranges and vegetables . So she was not out at Krispy Kreme waiting for the light to come on .
Speaker 2here , people , Okay , 60 pounds . I have the baby . You know I lose the weight . You know I never got back to where I was before . You know I had the baby but I still I lost the weight . I got back in shape because that's just who I was in the first place . I wasn't the kind of person so like if you're gonna marry someone who doesn't exercise and they like to hit up the drive-thru all the time , you can probably predict is you're probably gonna see that after a year your youth , you know , is going to leave at one point and that metabolism is gonna slow down . And if you don't take care of yourself now , you're probably not gonna take care unless there's a major change .
Speaker 1I mean , I think that's a valid point . I mean , you're basically talking about trying to figure out the principles that this person lives by , to forecast where they're gonna go in the future .
Speaker 2You can tell . A tree brights through .
Speaker 1However , I'm on the other side . I'm like . Your love has to be deep enough to be unconditional .
Speaker 2True .
Speaker 1And I know that that's the part that we want , but the truth is is if I did have a beard and I did have a beard belly and I did gain 100 pounds .
Speaker 1You said this was for richer , poorer . Sickness or health till death does its part , and I think that sometimes we don't really think about the poor season or the sick season or the overweight season or the challenge season , and our love is not unconditional . I love you as long as you do this , and so I think what you're saying is 100% right . I think what you're saying is 100% right , that we should try our best to be the best we can be , but at the same time , I think that love should cover the multitude of sins , weaknesses , shortcomings , all of that stuff . And sometimes , when I look at the couples who've made it , somehow their love has blinded them to the person . You know what I'm saying . If I look at a 90 year old man with a 88 year old wife and they just barely walking , barely making it , I'm thinking that their love has overcome the frailty , so many things .
Speaker 1Your body , changing dysfunctions , whatever have you .
Speaker 2their love was deeper and I don't know .
Speaker 1I just feel like people nowadays might not get married with that kind of love , and so the question is can you handle me changing ?
Speaker 2Answer the questions up front .
Speaker 1Can you handle me changing ?
Speaker 2See up front . Okay , they are always late with their bills . You walked in the house and their electric was cut off . You know you , this is what you're gonna . You know , unless there's major changes here , you might have somebody that is never , ever gonna be good with money . You know , don't get married and then get mad at them Because they are who they are .
Speaker 1Okay . Well , you're going too fast , though , okay .
Speaker 2I'm sorry .
Speaker 1I'm sorry Slow down , cause that's question number two .
Speaker 2Oh yeah .
Speaker 1Question number two is can you handle me not changing ? Okay , so question number one is can you handle me changing ?
Speaker 2Uh huh .
Speaker 1Okay .
Speaker 2For the bad .
Speaker 1Question number two is can you ?
Speaker 2no , it's just changing all together .
Speaker 1Just change , okay , just changing all together . Question number two is can you handle me not changing ?
Speaker 2Okay .
Speaker 1Okay . So what we found in marriage is that many times we want to change our spouse into ourselves , Even if on the conscious level you're like , no , I don't want to do that . On the subconscious level , you kind of want them to be you .
Speaker 2I think that's you . That's you more than me .
Speaker 1I don't know about that .
Speaker 2I think you're even . That's what I'm saying . I just let you be . I like to let you be , it's on the subconscious level . And you don't even know that it's there . Nope , nope , nope .
Speaker 1You don't let me be . I mean , today there was something you did in the kitchen and I was like , okay , Today . Yeah , I just can't remember it . I wasn't even in the kitchen , I'm like whatever .
Speaker 1But anyway , the question is is can you handle me not changing ? Okay , and so I think many people get disappointed . Let's use an example of a married woman who gets disappointed because he can't keep a job for a long time , but he was like that before you married him . I got you or the guys playing video games all day , but he was always playing video games before you married him . It seems like you do everything , but before you got married , you was always doing everything .
Speaker 2I got you .
Speaker 1And now you're upset because he's not changing and so , but the question is can you handle me not changing ? So no matter who we decide leans to that more whether it's me or you , we subconsciously really try to change our spouse . We try to train them into something , and I understand , because we want the two to be one and walk in unison , just like any team or company . But the question is can you handle me not changing ? For example , you have always been a little untimely and that's not gonna change about you , so it just is what it is .
Speaker 2I gotta swallow it . I feel like I need to re-buttle .
Speaker 1It's not a case About that . Okay , go ahead .
Speaker 2I was gonna say , yeah , you feel I'm untimely , but for on my own I'm timely , it's just that I'm not on your time . I'm untimely every time when it comes to you , but for me , if I have an appointment at eight o'clock , I am there at 8.45 , like seriously .
Speaker 1Okay , cause that's not what I'm saying . What I'm saying is that you , the way that you approach time , is different . It really don't have nothing about . Why are you taking it so personal ?
Speaker 2Well , I was gonna . I think it goes to your point that when we try to make people into something that they're not , or we want them to be , like us Meaning like I'm good on my time by myself , but if I tried to , if you compare me to your time which is what we do to our spouses .
Speaker 1I mean there's a razzle in the house , there's a fuss in the house , there's a kid's get in the car , there's blood pressure that's being raised . In the morning before school Before school coming to church .
Speaker 2That is not my time , but it's their time .
Speaker 1And like worship is going on . How many times do you come in and worship has already started ? Tell me .
Speaker 2Only a couple . Oh my God , you should stop this podcast right now . Maybe like five in the whole 15 years 50% of the time .
Speaker 1the song is going on and you come in . It might only be 10 seconds late , but the song is going on . It counts down Five , four , three , two , one . We're dancing . Oh , here you come .
Speaker 2I feel like in the last month . That could possibly be true , but that's not . I don't think so .
Speaker 1So my point is this like I ain't even try to change that , If that's what you want to do , have I said one thing to you about it ?
Speaker 2No , yes .
Speaker 1No , because that's how you are . That's my point , and I know that you're offended , and I don't even know why you're offended , because that ain't even the point of what I'm trying to make . The point I'm trying to make here is that I just need you to make accurate points .
Speaker 2Is what I'm saying . Okay , so you're the most timely person I've ever met in my life , okay , well , whatever the case is- . The point is , my time isn't your time .
Speaker 1Well , the point is , let's use this as an example . There's no way that I'm going to win this argument , so I have to like now derail , because that's not going to change . Like you have to get the last word in .
Speaker 2Oh , no , he did not you do have to get the last word in . No , he did not go there .
Speaker 1So many times . What I do is I just ?
Speaker 2Why did you go there ? Because , you're not going to change that . I'm not even saying anything . I didn't even say the last word .
Speaker 1What I'm saying is that how are we ? Talking about the last word Many times , because it's not about the last word . The principle is that you're just not going to change those things , and the question is can I handle you not changing ? And the answer for me is yes , pat , on the back , you know bull horns , fireworks go off Because I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread . Thank you so much . Do you have anything valid to bring to today's podcast ? I ?
Speaker 2don't believe I do at this moment .
Speaker 1Can you handle me not changing ? And so there's been a bunch of stuff . You kind of stopped my list short because you wanted to nitpick all of it , but whatever it is , whatever it is okay , whether it's not , those things are negative . Let me try to get some positive things . You're not going to get up fast . You like it being very quiet . That's not going to change about you . You're going to go to bed early . I'm going to go to bed late and get up early . That's not going to change about me it's not going to change about you .
Speaker 1I'm not trying to give
you negative things . My point that all I was saying is this is that can you handle that ? That's a question that you need to ask somebody . Can you handle me not changing Because of the subconscious pressure of trying to change somebody into something that they're not ?
Speaker 2I mean , I get it . And it's not only . We don't only ask the other person , but we ask ourselves can we handle them not changing ? And that's what I was saying earlier when you said that I jumped the gun . You have to be a fruit inspector that you know a tree by its fruit , With finances , whether they're on time or not , with what kind of food they eat and their eating habits and their lifestyle habits . What friends do they hang around ? These are all . If they don't change their circle of friends , are you still going to love them ? Can you still be with them for the rest of their lives ?
Speaker 1Right , and so I don't know . I just feel like we talk to a lot of married people and I feel like let's just talk about wives . I know some wives that are trying to change their husbands into something that they will never change into . Never want to be , never even thought they needed to be before they got married , and the marriage sucks because the wife is trying to change the husband into something that he can't change into . Vice versa .
Speaker 1You know there's guys that's trying to change their wife into something that she is just not , so the question is valid .
Speaker 2It's a good question and I find this is just through my experience in pastoring over many , many years either the wife or the husband who has the problem is usually they're the more ambitious one , they're the one that wants to start businesses and , you know , run companies and take over the world . They want to do ministry and everything and take over the world . But their spouse is like , I'm good . If it's the wife , she's like look , I got these kids , I'm taking care of these kids , I'm good staying at home , I'm good doing this , you know , I'm good making dinner , you know whatever .
Speaker 2Or the husband's like look , I got this job , it pays our benefits , it pays our lights . Like , I'm good with this , I'm on the weekend to sit down and watch the football games and take my children to their basketball games . Like I don't want to take over the world . But the person who does want to take over the world , they look down like , oh , you know they don't do this and that they're not an influencer . And they don't , you know , like , and that's not fair . That's not fair .
Speaker 1Well , now you're speaking from straight up experience and as you're talking , I had several women wives go through my head .
Speaker 1Some of them are still married , some of them are divorced now , and it's almost like we project this thing on men . Well , you got to be the leader , you got to be the leader , and you got to be the leader , and that is true . But how he leads might be different than how you would lead , how another husband is leading and if you are projecting expectations on him that he cannot meet because that's not his personality or his gifting , we got to figure out how he can lead , but out of his gift , out of his wheelhouse , out of his gift set and that's a big one , it's a big one , it's a big one there's a wife .
Speaker 2Yeah , as a wife , we have the grace to find out and to lift up the gift of God and the call of God that's on the inside of our spouse , like that's what we do , yeah .
Speaker 1And well , some of us just celebrate what he is . Yeah , because sometimes you can just you can count down on what he ain't or what she ain't , but celebrate what he is .
Speaker 2Absolutely .
Speaker 1He's faithful , he's at home , he can cook , he takes care of the kids . Okay , so he's not making $500,000 a year . If that's what you want to do , you make $500,000 a year , exactly , and let you know what I'm saying . It's almost like .
Speaker 2You don't have to make more money to be the leader . That's correct . Being the leader is a spiritual thing , something ordained by God it is . You don't have to make . You know what is it 2023 ? Like .
Speaker 1You know , I do want to do a podcast to really help men lead well , mm-hmm , and I do feel like there is a lot of men who do not know how to lead their homes well , I agree , and a lot of it's because we've never had leadership in front of us before Never had an example , never had an example and leadership skills .
Speaker 1many times we think we're born with them , but they have to be developed , they have to be cultivated , they have to be learned , and there is no like school of being a husband or school of being a father . That's what we should start .
Speaker 2I'm saying I think that's a podcast right there because I didn't grow up with a positive example of a man and there are things that I would just like to ask you . You grew up with fathers , you grew up with uncles , yeah , and as an example , you're a good husband Like I would just like to ask you some things .
Speaker 1Yeah , I'm the product of strong men .
Speaker 2Mm-hmm .
Speaker 1I'm the product of strong men , from great uncles to uncles to dads , you know , to grandfather , to . I'm one of my grandfather's past before I was born , but my other grandfather I'm a man of God in church .
Speaker 2Mm-hmm .
Speaker 1I'm the product of great pastors and great spiritual mentorship .
Speaker 2Mm-hmm .
Speaker 1And many times when we don't have great men in our life , we can look to the church and don't discount that .
Speaker 2Mm-hmm .
Speaker 1Because there are great examples there . Yeah , maybe we'll do that . If you guys want that , just let
us know . But let's get to the third one . This is the third question I feel like you got to ask before marriage , and it is will you love me when you don't like me ?
Speaker 2Mm-hmm .
Speaker 1Okay Now , Tabitha has just shown off today , but I still love her you didn't like me three times .
Speaker 1today , the light is on the edge right now , but my love will rebound and so I think in life you're going to have rifts , you're going to have some things that People do . We actually Release the podcast help . My wife gets on my , my spouse gets on my nerves , like what to do , because I think sometimes , when we get on each other's nerves , there is the start of the enemy . Well that I need to find someone who doesn't get on my nerves , but the truth is is that all people go and get on your nerves , matter of fact , the closer they are to you at some point . If it's a real relationship , I mean you think about it like my parents have gotten on my nerves before .
Speaker 1Not a lot because they're just cool , but they have at some point in my life . My sip , my sister , has gotten on my nerves before my , the people that I work with have gotten on my nerves . My pastor's gotten on my nerves before them . Kids we got . They get on my nerves like very consistently . You've gotten on my nerves before . It's just life . So I think we need to normalize that and ask the question . Here's the question up front but can you love me when you don't like me ? Yeah , and I didn't say can you love me if you don't like me , because that means like , if you know when , when , when you don't like me , there's gonna come a place . When you don't like something , I said something , I did right . Can you still love me ?
Speaker 2right . Yeah , I think I think we have to stop taking ourselves so seriously and Learn to find joy in life and the humor in life , like a lot of times , you know , yes , sometimes it's not about the other people and what they're doing , sometimes it's just me and my own attitude and where I am and I don't feel well Maybe . I have a headache or something and people get on my nerves just because they're breathing talk about it .
Speaker 2You know , the funniest thing that ever happened . One of the funniest things that ever happened with my kids is I was I had three of my kids in the backseat of the car . They were like two , four and you know two , three and like what , eight . And the little girl , the middle one , was crying because our son , he would just do things to aggravate her and he was Pokerner and he said but mommy , he's touching me . And then she was fussing and fussing and then I turn around , says stop it stop . And she said but mommy , baby girl , this is your issue .
Speaker 2You're the one with the problem right now and I just , I just try to laugh at myself , like if we're in our bedroom and you , you know , do something to get on my nerves and you jump in the bed and it's just like . I mean , I just feel like I'm on a sitcom . Sometimes I imagine myself like if the world we're watching right now they would laugh with me because everybody's crazy . You know , you just have to find the humor in life , like we're supposed to enjoy every moment , and so even those times where , like just a second ago , you got on my nerves too , you actually pushed buttons . You pushed it . You pushed that button when the last word , that is a button .
Speaker 2For me , if you didn't know that , that is a but which one when you you try to tell me oh , you just want to get the last word , and then if I say something , he's like see , and I'm like no , but I just wanted to see , but I see , oh , I'll flip this table over , anyway , but you just have to laugh at it , you just have to laugh at it , right well you know .
Speaker 1This question really makes me think of the infatuation stage of relationships and .
Speaker 1I think the infatuation stage Statistically is the first three months to three years , they say , and that's when endorphins are high and you have butterfly feelings in your stomach Off the newness of relationship . But I think we get stuck in that stage and then we compare the rest of our relationship To that stage . We actually idolize the infatuation stage . But the infatuation stage is only a stage and then we compare our spouse , or even God sometimes , to how things was in the beginning , when I first got filled with the Holy Spirit is like I heard the voice of God and I prayed and got answers 20 years and I just don't feel that same way any longer . It's because now you're supposed to be grown in your relationship .
Speaker 1Yeah that was the infatuation state , same with in a marriage relationship . When we first got together , you could do no wrong like touch me , breathe on me , whatever the kids don't like , do it all . I just wanted to be in your presence . But I make a mistake if I Now , 24 years into this marriage , always judge the infatuation stages are highlights when it was only a stage , and so the truth is is that as we continue on this journey , there's gonna be stages and there's gonna be stages of your cycle
. There's gonna be stages we don't feel good . There's gonna be stages where maybe we made an investment that went awry . But can you love me when you don't like me ? Can you love me when you don't like me ? And so I don't know . I'm happy to say that 24 years into it , we're best friends . 24 years into it , I do love you , and I don't just love you , but I also like you , and I even like all of those nuances . You didn't give me a chance . I was gonna conclude this way go ahead and conclude baby .
Speaker 1Now , when you show up late , it is kind of cute . That's just you . You know you're bubbly , you're happy , you're yourself . You know you got to get the last word in . That's just my partake , my Thing . You might be upset at it , but it's . You know , if you were fly on the wall of my house , you would say , yeah , that chick is gonna , she gonna say something , she's not gonna let it die . I've seen you do it a couple times lately , though . I've seen you do it a couple times here recently I was saying something and you just shut up , you ain't say nothing else , you just let it ride . But before that man , no , it was , I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna come back and I'm gonna come back and I'm Come , but now it's cute . It's cute . That's just the part of who you are . That's just the part of you you are . You know you're upset that I'm bringing it up again . That's cute . It's just the part of who you are .
Speaker 1I wish there was a fly , because then this whole thing Would tell y'all how this woman be Sturkley at 2 am In the morning .
Speaker 2No now that that would be the truth .
Speaker 1No reason .
Speaker 2I'm sorry why are you ? It is hilarious .
Speaker 1I mean these things could get on your nerves , but I've just decided to love you , even when I don't like you . That's very true and you know , I believe that you know , liking is a very important part of our relationship . I mean I don't want to undermine , like love is huge , like everything we do . It's the agape love of God , first Corinthians 13 . It's patient , it's kind , it's long suffering , it doesn't keep an account of evil , etc , etc . But I don't know .
Speaker 1I think it's important that we also like each other , yeah , and if you fall out of like , I think you can do some things to start to fall back into life .
Speaker 1Yeah and sometimes liking is a first step to loving , just like loving is a first step to liking . You know , I choose to love you and Then , because I choose to love you , I'm gonna figure out a way to like you . That doesn't mean I like everything you do , that doesn't mean I like all of your idiosyncrasies . That just means that my lover covers all those . Yeah , but at the same time I'm gonna choose to like you . You've taken my last name . You're my best friend . We've built businesses together . We've built but ministry together . You you've . You've cared for me when I haven't felt good . I've cared for you and you haven't felt good . And if we can't be mature enough to find out our like inside ?
Speaker 2of the love I .
Speaker 1Think we need to go back to the drawing board and start the date again and start to be fascinated with each other again . And you know , I was holding you the other day and I because I could smell your , like your smell and I could feel your skin I did have a little butterfly , a little infatuation stage butterfly , because I was so intentional of focusing on my care for you , and I think that the infatuation stage might get drug out a little bit longer with some intentionality .
Speaker 1Yeah , I don't know anything else on that . I feel like I'm kind of done .
Speaker 2I love what you just said , just like rekindling that fire . You know , sometimes and it does take intention , intentionality , I think , after you know 24 years of marriage sometimes we just accidentally , just you know , there's a spark in a blaze and it's like whoa , what's that in the ? You know , you and I both feel the butterflies . It might be like on vacation at the beach or , you know , just somewhere . It's just like it might be an old song that we listen to and you know it's just right . Marriage is good .
Speaker 2But I do want to say this before we , because this is to what to do before you get married and I think , in order to Kind of safeguard yourself from I guess you talked about that butterfly feeling , and I think the easiest thing to do is to not have sex before you're married , because if you , I think sex once you have sex and I'll speak for a woman once you have sex , I mean you just emotionally is there .
Speaker 2You know what I mean . Like you know you're going to overlook a whole lot of stuff because you are emotionally connected to this guy and so he could be , you know , cheating on you . He could be like the worst . But that connection that you have and how you've opened yourself up to him , how you've given yourself to him . It's kind of like you just overlook a whole lot of stuff and when you get married you figure out I don't even like him , we don't like the same food , we don't even like to do that , you know , like , don't do that . And it's never too late to say , okay , yeah , we are in a sexual relationship right now , but let's cut it all . Let's figure out do we for the rest of our lives ?
Speaker 1Come on so good , and so right down this takeaway , if you can , guys . All right , here's the three questions . All right , this is what you ask Can you handle me changing , okay , can you handle me not changing ? Can you love me when you don't like ?
Speaker 2me .
Speaker 1And I believe that would save somebody a bunch of heartache . Okay , hey , we're out of time for today , but we want to say thank you so much for tuning into our broadcast today . You know we're doing something special . Starting now , through all of the end of the year , we're having a special opportunity of giving in our church that we call Super Sunday . That is coming up on the first Sunday in December . If this podcast and this ministry has been a blessing to you , if you feel like it's added value to our life , we would love for you to prayerfully consider making a donation or sowing a seed into it , so that we can simply reach more people on next year than we did this year . Doesn't matter the amount , just simply ask God and say God , what would you have for me to give ? I think there's a link in our show notes of where you can give . Of course , you can go to mylifechurchorg backslash give . There's different ways you can give , but just know that whatever you give will enable us to help more marriages reach more people all around the world .
Speaker 1Some of the reviews , some of the testimonies that have been coming in have been absolutely amazing and we believe that when you partner with us , you will be a partaker of the same anointing that is upon this ministry . We believe you'll be a partaker of that as well . So we speak the favor of God over you . We're going to be a unity over your relationships and the blessing of the Lord upon you . Okay , if you enjoyed today's show , make sure that you hit the subscribe button so that you can be the first to get the content . We release a new show every Thursday at 3 pm and also email us . Man , we would love to hear your testimony . Share what God's doing in your life . Anything in closing , sweetheart .
Speaker 2Hey , if you're ever in Orlando , come out and visit us .
Speaker 1Come hang out with us , not just Mickey Mouse , but come to a live church .
Speaker 2That's right , we'll take good care of you . Have a great fun time .
Speaker 1Right , so until the next time , we'll see you soon . Thank you so much for tuning in Peace .