Hey , welcome to Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha . We are so pumped that you're tuning into this podcast . It has been designed for people just like you . We wanna do life with you , share our wins , our defeats , our ups and our downs , in hopes that you'll grow closer to God and to the people that you love in your life . Sit back and enjoy today's podcast . Hey , what's up everybody ? Welcome to another episode of .
Speaker 1Doing Life with Ken and Tabitha 24 years of marriage , all of our ups and downs . We are ready to invest into you today and you're in the right place today . You know , last Thursday we talked about saving the sexilist marriage and today we ran out of time last week because it got so good . Today we're gonna continue in that and it's called Seven Keys to Save , and we wanna get more practical this time . We wanna give you Seven Keys to saving the sexilist marriage and even if you feel like it's not sexless but it's not enough sex , you're in the right place . And so , for those of you all who are new to our show , welcome . We pray all the time and say God , please send people to our show from around the world that needs this content . And so , however you find us , whoever you are , wherever you are , we believe that this is the doing of the Lord .
Speaker 1You know , we got a better marriage boot camp than we do and we wanna make people's marriages better and we believe that if we can invest in your marriage and you can make an investment , there is not any marriage that can't be turned around . So we've put together this boot camp , which is a 90-day journey with 12 weeks , and I know that we had fun . We also worked hard putting it together .
Speaker 1And we took our good , bad ugly and everything in between . And if you wanna make an investment or want more information about that boot camp , you wanna whip your marriage into shape , make sure you go to our website at KenandTapetercom or go over to our show notes . I believe there's a link in our show notes . But , sweetheart , are you ready for today ?
Speaker 2I am ready .
Speaker 1Now , what we said last week is that this segment is your idea , so we don't want any hate mail coming from any of the ladies , because the content that we're sharing today is really not about for a man or a woman . This is not a female or male thing . This is a married people thing , and there is a lot of married people that are not having a lot of sex . And if they are having sex , it's not very good , and Dutch taught us some things . We've learned some things , and we just believe we can just help people in that area get better .
Speaker 1I wanna come out of First Corinthians 7 . Again , first Corinthians 7 in one . Listen to this , guys . It says now , for the matter that you wrote about , it's good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman , but since sexual immorality is occurring , each man should have sexual relations with his own wife and each woman with her own husband . The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife and likewise the wife to her husband . The wife doesn't have authority over her own body , but yields it to her husband and in the same way , the husband doesn't have authority over his own body , but he yields it to his wife . Do not deprive each other , except perhaps by mutual consent for a time so that you may devote yourself to prayer . Okay , there's so much in this passage , anything stick out to you that you wanna highlight this week , sweetie .
Speaker 2Yes , again , the do not deprive each other . I think that sex and marriage is a gift and it's something that we get to do , and so , when it comes to the husband or the wife , that we're always available for one another , that we're just ready to share in that capacity to be intimate with one another .
Speaker 1The foundation for great sex is agape love , and the agape love of God is unconditional , others conscious , others serving , meaning that love is not just an emotion , it's a choice and it's a selfless act . So the foundation of great sex is love , because I'm looking to meet your needs while you're looking to meet my needs . Bad sex is when I come in and I say I'm trying to get my rocks off , so to say , and I want what I want and you want , and it's not good sex because it's all about you getting yours . Great sex founded in love is that I wanna meet your needs at the crossroads of you meeting my needs .
Speaker 2And that's what great sex is about . And bad sex also for the woman is when the woman thinks that sex is all about him and his needs being met and this is going to make him happy and him feel good . And when she doesn't realize that sex is for her . It's about her needs being met as well .
Speaker 1I would also challenge women to say why don't you even make it about , like you enjoying it even more than him ?
Speaker 2You say well is that possible ?
Speaker 1Well , all things are possible to them .
Speaker 2I'm sure he would love to accept the challenge .
Speaker 1That would be really good . I think that's a great thing to do . And so , in the foundation , why did you feel like this was an important topic again for us to share on what we thought behind ?
Speaker 2this . I felt like it was important because I , being a woman myself and I've been there I think that a lot of us have been deceived . I think a lot of us have seen our marriage suffer because we kind of didn't understand what sex was in a marriage . We didn't understand the role of sex in our marriage as a wife and as a husband , like the scripture that you just read , that we should not deny each other that this is something that was created by God for the married man and woman and this is something to benefit our marriage , bring us closer . I mean , we just don't understand how important sex is in a marriage .
Speaker 1If you don't mind if I interject , I want to give the story and it's a crude story . But the last time we did Sex God's Way , which you know that's a segment that you can check out later it's months back in our podcast , there was a lady that commented and she was like so what do you ? When you say don't deprive each other , you're expecting me just to open up my legs anytime he wants it , and I'm adding emphasis there and I know that sounds a little bit crude , but the reality of that's where some people's mindsets are because of past sexual trauma .
Speaker 1Maybe she just doesn't know any better . But that's not where you're supposed to be , because sex is supposed to be something in the marriage bed that you get to enjoy , that it brings forth intimacy and it brings forth closeness , and it's an act of worship unto the Lord and it's an act of it's something that's wholly impure and wonderful , and so , for whatever , go ahead .
Speaker 2I think those words that that woman said . Unfortunately it's coming from a hurt place , a place that probably hurt her truck . She's been , you know , just hurting all kinds of ways . But you know , when we become born again , we become a new creation . All old things have passed away , and then we begin a process of renewing our mind according to the things of God , according to the word of God , and one of those things and one of the areas that we have to renew our mind in is our marriage , is the husband and wife relationship and sex . And so what we can do in our marriage is we can get married and we can bring our old mindset , that unrenewed mindset of what I have to open my legs , like , like , like this is my body and I don't have to let him , you know , have any , or like all of those old term terminology , that old terminology that we use . It's just like , let's throw that in the trash for when we become born again .
Speaker 2Now there's the , the , the Lord system . You know what I mean . Like we're going to renew our mind according to the word of God . And so now , what does the word say ? The word says that we are in a relationship , that I am the bone of his bones , the flesh of his flesh . Let no man separate us . The word says that he has found a good thing in me , that I am a crown to his head and the word also says in songs of Solomon that there's a level of enjoyment with sex .
Speaker 1There's a level of for both the man and woman . There's a level of intimacy and vulnerability and almost want to say freakiness , but like if you read the songs of Solomon , there's life .
Speaker 2There's definitely freakiness in the songs .
Speaker 1There's freakiness to it . There's sensuality to it , not sensuality in the streets . Yeah , yeah , there will be lust and carnal , but sensuality between man and woman , between husband and wife , explore one another . That we get to we get to what the scripture say , to blow on my , on my jungle Pomegranates , yeah it talks about to blow on the garden yeah to , to to .
Speaker 2I don't know , I'm mixing it with some old R&B song from back in the day . Read the song of Solomon .
Speaker 1Yeah , you go read it please , because I'm mixing it all up between freak me baby by silk and songs of Solomon . It's a mix right now , but anyway , silk there's a couple of common questions I'd love to answer . Okay , common questions , and I'm just , I'm gonna ask you , you ready , okay , ready ? How often should couples have sex ? Married couples .
Speaker 2I think that depends on the couple . You know , honestly , I will say , you know , for me I personally I don't even know if you think this , but I personally keep it like an every other day thing for me because I like to keep sex like in a rhythm . I know I don't want to go more than like two days without sex , me personally .
Speaker 1So I think that missing that quarter a little bit . You got to highlight your boy .
Speaker 2We have been , because you know I had a surgery , just a little reconstructive surgery going on with the breast and things like that . But anyway , in my mind I just keep it that like I know that if I didn't have sex yesterday , if we didn't do that yesterday , well then I know today , okay , let me start to get ready . But then even like let's say , something happens and we don't do it today , I know the next day it's like okay , just in my mind you know , I'm just keeping track just little in my mind that like by the third day , okay , we have to really make time to do this .
Speaker 1I think that's very good , and I think you just blew somebody's wig off their head .
Speaker 2I'm just saying that is not for is not for everyone , but for me . It's real easy for me to know Okay , no , I didn't . Okay , let me go . Let me make sure I do this , okay listen .
So they define a sexless marriage as having sex less than 10 times a year .
Speaker 2That would be about one time .
Speaker 1Okay , now there are some people that's like 12 , they do it once a month and once every other week , and your answer is good , it's politically correct . Oh , we don't know Every , and it's true , every couple has to determine their own sex rhythms .
Speaker 1But I feel like if you're not having sex at least once a week , you really need to talk about it you know what I'm saying and so if I was to give you like straight up , we're sitting at Starbucks and I'm not going to be judged , and stuff like that I would tell you . You ask your spouse how often would you like to have ?
Speaker 2sex .
Speaker 1Okay , you get a number from them . If they say every day , every other day , and then I said once a week , okay , what I would do is I would try to submit to the person who wants to do it the most or at least talk about meeting it halfway okay . So if I met seven days and you're at every other day , I would say , sweetheart , well , how's every three or four days ? But these big gaps between you wanna do it once a month and you wanna do it every . It's killing people's marriages because they haven't submitted to not deprive each other . And when we say it's not a duty , this is what I gotta do , this is what we get to do . You gotta come to the place where you enjoy this moment .
Speaker 2But I don't get it , babe , because , listen , if you said , okay , how often do you wanna eat chocolate cake ? Let's say , chocolate cake is like the best dessert . It's not bad for you , Chocolate cake apple pie you know , like whatever , how often do you wanna eat that ?
Speaker 1I wanna eat it three times a day .
Speaker 2I mean like seriously seriously . So I don't get the correlation between you the greatest pleasure known to mankind , the greatest physical pleasure known to there , are industries and billions of dollars being made on the greatest pleasure a lot of evil being done .
Speaker 1Y'all please help us out , cause we don't understand . Please put it in the comments . Why would you want you know what I mean ? Yeah , why would you want ?
Speaker 2And I'm challenging myself as well because , look , I mean , I could . Why ?
Speaker 1don't we wanna do it three times a day .
Speaker 2You know what I mean . Like we eat three times a day .
Speaker 1We just finished the seven day sex explosion .
Speaker 2We took the seven day challenge .
Speaker 1We took the seven day challenge , that's , sex every day for seven days . We challenge you to do that . Yes , I was tired by day four and five and six , but I pushed through . Praise God in it .
Speaker 2But it helps challenge your thinking .
Speaker 1It helps challenge your thinking .
Speaker 2And it helps you , like you know ? I don't know , I just think it's . That's my question , yeah , Anyway , here's another question .
Speaker 1If someone says my libido has changed , what should I do ? What would be your answer ?
Speaker 2I would say get it checked out physically , you know , medically , by a doctor . Make sure everything's okay in your body . I mean health is the number one thing that can probably just make your sex life go really down the hill . But just make sure that you're okay and health wise and then find out what you need to do to get it back up . You know what I mean ? I mean sometimes I go to the doctor and sometimes I'd been like , oh , your thyroid's low or you need more progesterone .
Speaker 1Which means that you're just hormonal .
Speaker 2Yeah , your hormones are not balanced , because as we grow older and things like that . Stuff changes . When we have babies , things change , so that's normal , but figure it out .
Speaker 1Figure it out .
Speaker 2Just figure it out . Trial and error Ask people .
Speaker 1Has your libido changed over the years ?
Speaker 2Definitely , Definitely .
Speaker 1It's been up and down through having babies and then also through menopause , I mean yeah definitely so right now , in comparison to what it's been , you would say it's low average or high .
Speaker 2I would say it's lower now than it's ever been . Yeah , through coming through menopause definitely .
Speaker 1And so when it comes to sex , like , let's say , last night , it's something that you're like , even though you have a libido , you're pushing through . What would be your advice to the woman ? That's like , listen , I got low libido , but somehow you're still . We still have a rhythm , even though it's the worst that it's ever been .
Speaker 2It's like I don't know . I guess I understand what sex means to me and to my marriage . It's very important to me . It's like very high . I mean , it's very important to me and so it doesn't matter if I . I guess I don't have to be in the mood . You know , I don't have to be like 100% on fire and like , yay , I wanna do this , I just have to be like a little bit like hey , can I ask you a question ?
Speaker 1So if you have low libido and maybe you're not in the mood completely , but when you start having sex , do you get more in the mood , totally Okay . So you don't give me the sloppy fish like you know where it's , just like I'm just , it's a floppy , floppy fish body . It feels like you're in the mood , but you're doing that by faith , you're intentional and as you go by faith , god is giving you more on your way before you start . Well , some woman needs to hear that .
Speaker 2Many people do that . Yeah , I mean , it's always it turns out . I mean again , it's like the piece of chocolate cake . I'm not hungry at all , but you just sat down next to me with a piece of cake . Well , I just take a little bite of it . You know I'm not really that hungry , but let me take a bite .
Speaker 1It's good you eat it , that cake , don't . I'm trying to hold it . I'm rocking that cake's world .
Speaker 2That's what happens every single time . I mean , I just don't have another way to explain it .
Speaker 1Someone says I have vaginal dryness . What should I do ? What ?
Speaker 2would be your answer . Figure it out , you know not . I agree , I totally understand where you're coming from . I have it too .
Speaker 2You know I'm a woman and at some point in every woman's life you're gonna get it . And so figure out different lubricants . I use 100% , extra , extra version coconut oil . It works for me . You'll find , yeah , you'll find you know , whatever works for you . But ask people who you trust , ask your girlfriends , ask your mom . You know what works for you , maybe the same thing will work for you . These are , you know . Some people say I don't wanna ask my mom about . I mean , it's okay , it's you know this is grown up stuff . But anyway , just figure it out , there's a solution .
Speaker 1What about this question ? I'm not attracted to him anymore . What should I do ?
Speaker 2Make yourself attracted to him again . Talk to me about that .
Speaker 1Can I do that ? I mean , he , like he gained weight , he , he , he , he , he . You know his breath is not right . I mean what ? What do you do here ? What do you mean not attracted ? Okay , let's not say that . Okay , cause , guys , let me talk to you men for a minute .
Speaker 2You need to take care of your body .
Speaker 1Okay , you need listen .
Speaker 2Tell him to go get a manny pedi .
Speaker 1Go get your manicure pedicure . Put some lotion on . Okay , smell good . Okay , make sure your breath is fresh too . That's a big thing , you gotta make sure your breath is fresh .
Speaker 1Get some breath strips , get some mints , get some banaca , Get it whatever you gotta get . I mean , like set the mood here , but I really believe that , men , you need to take care of yourself , okay , and and be presentable , Don't have oil all under your nails and all that kind of stuff . I mean , take care of yourself . You ain't gotta be like you don't have to go and spend hundreds of dollars and you know , get highlights and do all kinds of stuff , but you need to take care of yourself , but anyway . But let's just assume it's not that .
Speaker 1It's just I'm just not attracted to him like that anymore . What should I do ?
Speaker 2I think that you know , I've found for myself and for a lot of other women , attraction just comes it's more of a and a mental thing with us and an emotional thing with us .
Speaker 2And so typically you know , more than likely he's still the same guy . He might've gained a little weight or lost a little weight or whatever , but he's still the same guy that you married . What attracted you to him in the first place ? You know . And so I think those are some of the things that I practice even now , like they are intentional , things like I don't know in your mind , complimenting him , like , oh , I mean , take the time to like , look at him , take the time to enjoy what he looks like , check out his body , take the time to listen to his voice , like I will listen to my husband's voice , like , wow , you're such a man , you know , like whoa , you're so manly . I look at like his beard and stuff , like I'm like whoa , that's like a manly man . Those things make me attracted to him . So I don't know , I can't say you know what attracts you to your spouse , but think about those things that made you attracted to him in the first place .
Speaker 1Well , that's the key . Something attracted you to this person , for you to say I do yeah .
Speaker 2Now you might need some counseling to figure out where your mind has now become critical Well sometimes we overlook the things that we like into the things that we don't like , and we magnify the things that we don't
like .
Speaker 1And they overrun all those things .
Speaker 2When we first got married , we magnified the things that we did like and minimize the things that we didn't like , and we just have to reverse that again .
Speaker 1Here's one more . What should I do when I'm not in the mood , but my spouse is ?
Speaker 2I would say for me personally just do it anyway . I'd say , do it anyway . There's a lot of times when I'm not in the mood . Now again I'm not saying like okay , it's that time of the month for you , or you just got out of surgery , or you're all contagious and coughing and sneezing .
Speaker 1I'm not saying all of that stuff .
Speaker 2I'm just saying it's a normal day and you don't feel like it , but they do .
Speaker 1Just do it anyway .
Speaker 2It's gonna be the worst case . Is you like it ? I think like it's not , like you know .
Speaker 1Well , the worst case is that they like it , but you might like it . But I would say this here's the principle that I think we've lived by is that it only takes one person to be in the mood for us to have sex .
Speaker 1And I think that's where many people are missing it , because they feel like they need to be in the mood . And for both people to be in the mood you gotta go too Netflix and watch a movie , because much of that is acting . Yeah , Because most of the time in the marriage like we've been married 25 years it's like two ships passing in the night .
Speaker 1For us both to be in the mood at the same time . It has to be like an anniversary , it has to be something . Typically , it's one of us instigating and the other one saying okay , that's what you want , but I'm gonna get in the mood as well . But I never deny you . If you want some , here I am , and you always treat me that way . If I want some , there's no denying . Now , I'm not a fool . I know that . If you're coughing and don't feel good , if you had a long day , I might say it and I can tell about it .
Speaker 1Okay , it's okay you know what . I'm saying , but for the most part , here's the principle Only one person needs to be in the mood for sex to happen in a marriage .
Speaker 2And I think , going back to the scripture , that's what the Bible is talking about , when the husband should not deny the wife and the wife should not deny the husband . What that means is that wife is in the mood , husband don't deny her . That's just what it's talking about . And so I think , yeah , that's like a great deception . I think , when it comes to sex , that you have to be in the mood to want to do Well , I don't feel like it . I have a headache , and largely on the part of a woman . It's what we've been trained . Everyone has seen the movies where the woman's sitting there reading and then the husband comes on and she turns off the light and rolls over . You know what I mean . Like faking like she's asleep or faking like she has a headache . Wow , I mean , it's just been like embedded in our brains .
Speaker 1Yeah , you know what this life is to live , man . Yeah .
Speaker 2But the funny thing is that so that's how we were portrayed the married couple . But the people that aren't married , they're clothes are off by the time they hit the door .
Speaker 1I have an orgasm washed to the bed Like what is this ?
Speaker 2Like this . So we have been brainwashed you know , what I mean , and it's really an attack on marriages . Yes , please don't ever call me your old lady , I will never be your old lady Like okay , I am your wife , Fairfully and wonderfully made .
Speaker 1Here's the deal . Here's the deal . So only one person needs to be in the mood to start to spark this thing , and you gotta accept that . So you're not in the mood , so what ? So what , let's get there . Okay , here's the second principle that I would add to that is that if you ever reject your spouse , like I don't want to do it tonight .
Speaker 1Within 24 hours , you need to initiate it . Your rejection has to turn into an initiation . Listen to this because if not , if you reject your spouse in which we don't believe in but let's say that it's something and you really , and you did it , you did it okay , you rejected it okay . Or let's say that it wasn't really a rejection . It was like they were kind of playing around and you was like nah , and they kind of backed up like we'll do that . It's not like a oh , I really want to . It's like oh , I can just tell it's your job , within 24 hours , to initiate it , because you got to understand that was rejection . That person has been sexually rejected . Do you know the boldness ?
Speaker 1that it would take for me to come back again . Like you said no tonight . Well , why I want to come back in 12 hours and be like hey , is it good now ? No , it's not my responsibility . If you've said no when that person was ready to initiate sex between a husband and a wife within 24 hours , you should come back and say okay sweetheart , let's do that . That thing , that principle right there , will save so much heartache .
Speaker 2Really , I think we've both been there in marriage over the years where you've been rejected one , two , three times in a row .
Speaker 1I'm done .
Speaker 2And then we're in a family meeting and I'm just like what's wrong with you . You know what I mean , because it hurts .
Speaker 2And I've been there too , where I've been rejected like , oh snap you know , and now I'm feeling maybe I'm not attracted , maybe you don't like me , maybe you're something , and none of that's true . It's just whatever's going on in your life is going on in your life . There's no communication or whatever , but I love that principle . It's just like we have to remember that , even if you've been married for 100 years , your spouse is still a person . They're still a human being and sex is the most intimate thing that we do together . It's the most vulnerable thing that we do together , and we're still people and wanna be treated nicely . No one wants to be rejected .
Speaker 1Listen , if you are a man and you have an erection in your horny and you wanna be with your wife and she says no , you were sitting over there like a puppy , with your tail belinked between your legs , feeling like you just got hit by a bat .
Speaker 2Trying to calm yourself down . I personally hate to think that my husband was filled that way .
Speaker 1It's horrible .
Speaker 2Yeah , I know .
Speaker 1I know , baby ,
it's not . So let me take you to another level . Initiating sex should be a husband and a wife thing . Yes , it should not be the man's always initiating sex and it should not be the wife is always initiating sex . It should be a lot more balanced .
Speaker 1I'm not saying like it always has to be 50-50 , but , initiating sex should be a two-way street that sometimes you initiate , sometimes I initiate , and one of the things that is a very common thread that I hear with many men is that they feel like they're the only ones always initiating , and it shouldn't be .
Speaker 2Yeah , I agree , you know I learned that too just through maybe doing podcasts and doing marriage counseling through all of the years . And yeah , I've heard that Cause . I've heard it from you first and we would talk about it in family meetings but then other men . When we have question and answer time , someone no doubt is going to grab the microphone and ask that question . That question is going to be asked . Why do I always have to initiate and the other man be like yeah , why is that Crowd goes wild ?
Speaker 1Oh man .
Speaker 2But it's easy , you know , for wives to initiate For me , you know , I think I just get used to you , kind of like , you know , coming around and I like it , and it's nothing , you know , no offense to you , but it's just like I like it . So whatever , but I have made it a point to initiate . There's certain times and things that I plan , maybe like a Valentine's Day or a Ken's night or a you know like , or just something that I just try to just plan , little things here and there that just make it intentional .
Speaker 1So , 24 years of marriage . I want to give you what we're calling seven keys to saving a sexless marriage . Seven keys , here we go . This is time you all have been waiting on . Get out your note takers , stop your cars , record this , do whatever you got to do . Seven keys to saving a sexless marriage . Number one is that you got to get God's perspective on sex . Okay , there's three main reasons for sex , of course . Number one is procreation to be fruitful and multiply , to have kids . Number two is enjoyment between husband and wife . I know that there are some very , very religious sectors that feel like sex is only to have babies , but you have to read the song of Solomon and understand that he gives us richly all things , including sex to enjoy .
Speaker 1And number three is intimacy between husband and wife . Those are the three main reasons of why God created sex , and we need to embrace all three of those . It's good , and so you got to get God's perspective on sex . Sex between husband and wife is pure , it's holy and it's godly , yes , and you have to get that into your renewed mind and into your spirit . Anything on that ?
Speaker 2I think that there are some women and some men that have to go back in their past and deal with the reason why maybe you don't want to be naked in front of your spouse , maybe the reason why you hold back and you don't want to do this or that . If you cannot be completely , 100% free and liberated in the sexual relationship with your spouse , I would challenge you to maybe see a counselor and get pastoral guidance and counseling as well , so that you can break those chains , you can come out of bondage and be free in that area .
Speaker 1So good , and it is possible , I've done it .
Speaker 1Amen . Number two , seven keys to saving a sexless marriage is that you need to talk about your sex life . Where are you , where you wanna be , open up and communicate and talk about your feelings and the rhythms that you would like ? This is huge , because many people are not communicating where they really are in their sex life . So we do a family meeting at least every other week and one of our things on the topic and we have a family meeting outlined that we've put out to everybody and of course , it's also in our Better Merits Bootcamp is we talk about calendar , we talk about finances and we talk about sex . Baby , what do you like ? That I do , sweetheart . What do you want more of or less of ? And it's very important that you open up and you express what your sexual frustrations , your sexual appetite , what you would like to do , and you guys talk about it . Yeah , anything on that .
Speaker 2I think that's hard . It's difficult to do , especially if your marriage isn't , especially if your sexual , your sex relationship isn't like good . It's hard at first to talk about it , but it still must be talked about . The more you talk about it , the easier it will get . And so I just want to set the expectations up front . It's like , yeah , it'll be uncomfortable , yeah , you know , but because you're being vulnerable and you're saying certain things but it's okay .
Speaker 2It's okay , we felt uncomfortable , but you'll get through it . Keep on having the conversations and you'll get better and it'll be all good .
Speaker 1Number three try to go to bed at the same time . I think that there's a lot of people that are falling asleep on the couch or falling asleep in different rooms . The woman goes to bed at 7 pm , the man comes to bed at 11 pm and there are two ships passing in the night , and I think that we've learned that we kind of go to bed at the same time and I'm a late person , I'm more of an 11 o'clock person and she's the 7 o'clock person , but when she goes into the bed , I'm usually there by 7 , 30 or 8 .
Speaker 1I'm trying to catch her before she goes to sleep and I think it's important to go to bed at the same time . Yeah , definitely .
Speaker 2I think it is and you can make . As far as bedtime goes , I think we've evolved through the years . But yeah , I'm early to go to bed , early to rise . You're late to go to bed , early to rise . You just need less sleep than me . But we make sure that we're in the bedroom at the same time and therefore I go to sleep . I do things like I put in earplugs , I'll put on an eye mask and I will pass out and you'll be over there reading or doing whatever you do , but we are in the bed at the same time . So , whatever your rhythm is or your schedule is , whether you're early to bed or late to bed , I think you can make it work .
Speaker 1Yeah , yeah , here's number four . Touch each other , often Not just sexual , but loving touches . I think there are some couples that they only touch when it's sex time and that's not enough touches , and so it's a kiss . Good morning , it's a kiss . Before you leave for work . Today , it's a kiss . When you come home there's a tap on the booty , there's a caress of the arm , there's a holding of hands . Is that important to you and , if so , why ?
Speaker 2I think it is Well . I mean , touch is kind of one of it ranks high in my love language and so I like that feeling of touch . I even go and I touch my kids . But just because I'm a nerd there was a study done like scientifically there's things that happen whenever you touch each other , whenever you even come close to each other . There's things that happen . There's like energy exchange and certain things that happen like endorphins , that happen whenever we touch one another , and so it's actually I mean it's just good , it's good to touch one another and then to not feel like strangers , like no other man is touching me . You know what I mean . No other woman is touching you Like I think I want I don't know , I personally I want to be touched by my husband .
Speaker 2It's a privilege , you know , like if you know my body , everything , I am your gift and I want you to feel invited to do that . But then also , as a man , I would tell wives like I don't think I think it's a misunderstanding that men don't need touch or they don't need caress or anything like that . I would encourage you to just pour your love out on him Again , read the song of Solomon and treat him like let him be touched . Touch his face , you know . Touch his beard , you know . Touch his body , because you'll . There's intimacy in that , there's more I can't even describe the things that happen in that but there's a closeness there that touches only what husband and wife can do with each other .
Speaker 2So I think I don't know if I'm making myself clear , but I think it's a big deal . Just try it .
Speaker 1Okay . Number five will be plan sex in , if you must , and make an important part of your relationship rhythm . I think sometimes we just look for organic sex , and organic sex is good . I think you can have sex and it just be like spur of the moment kind of things . But if you're in a sexless marriage , it needs to be another step towards intentionality . And so if you're in a sexless marriage where you're not having sex enough , one sure way to make sure that you're having sex is to put it in your calendar , and so our sex nights will be every Friday night . Our sex nights will be every Monday and Wednesday . Our sex night will be Tuesday , thursday and Saturday . I think if you sit down in your family meeting , one things that you can do is to actually schedule it in to where everybody knows that this is what's going to happen tonight or in the morning , whenever it's good for you , lunchtime , we don't care , it's just plan it in A number . Six would be takes turns , initiating sex , and we talked about that just a little bit , and so we don't want initiation just to be a man thing .
Speaker 1If you're in a sexless marriage , woman of God , start to initiate it . Man of God , you start to initiate it . If you've been dealing with erectile dysfunction or some kind of other medical issue , you need to start celebrating even the small wins . Celebrate that you took a shower together . Celebrate like , just because there is a medical issue going on . Don't allow intimacy to completely crash in your relationship . Fight this thing . Come go to doctors , take your medicine .
Speaker 1Do whatever you got to do to get yourself to the place where it's the intimacy that we're after .
Speaker 2It's not just the physical part .
Speaker 1It's the intimacy that we're after . And point number seven , last but not least , seven points to saving a sexless marriage would be only one person needs to be in the mood , and we talked about that .
Speaker 1That's a great point , that's the great point right there , and so stop waiting to be in the mood , because it is a fallacy . All right , many times we have sex and we're not in the mood when we start , but we get in the mood and we're like , thank God we did this . I don't know what we were thinking , you know . And so those are our seven practical keys to saving a sexless marriage , and I hope today was
good for you . We're out of time , but if you enjoyed today , please let us know . You can comment , write a review .
Speaker 1If you're new to our show , welcome man . Hit the subscribe button . If you're on YouTube , you can be the first to grab the content as soon as it's released . We release a new episode every Thursday , 3 pm , eastern Standard Time in the United States . Of these , god bless , and America's All right . If you enjoy our content , also , make sure that you share this with other people . You know we got two great things that are happening right now . The better marriage bootcamp is alive and well , and we've been hearing stories about how it's transforming marriages , and we would love for it to transform yours as well . Even if you feel like you have to go through by yourself , grab hold of some principles and then the fruit that you have in your life will inspire your spouse to go through it with you as well .
Speaker 1A great marriage takes an investment and you're going to pay now or you're going to pay letter instead of paying through child support and alimony . We want you to pay by going through the better marriage bootcamp so that you can make your marriage better .
Speaker 1You can check out our website or on our show notes to grab more information about that . Me and Tabitha , we're celebrating 25 years of marriage this July the third y'all and so we got married July 3rd 1999 . We parted like it was 1999 . We about to do it again . All right , we're going to have fireworks on July 3rd and July 4th , and so come be with us here in Sunshiney Orlando . We would love to host you party with you . Have a good time with you . All the proceeds from this event will go to help people who are battling cancer in their families , so you can get your tickets at our website as well . Just know that you're not alone , that you're cherished , that you're loved , and we would look forward to seeing you on next Thursday . All right , just remember that when you get better , the marriage will get better . Peace .